M.A. Drake's Blog, page 6

Trash Can Guilt

Sometimes I realize that it's trash day and that I haven't taken the trash out. I rush out and find that my side of the street has been done, but the other side hasn't yet. Generally there's a half an hour between the two sides of the street, so I go and grab the trash bin and take drag it across the street in front of that neighbor's house.

And I don't know why, but I feel terribly guilty about this. I don't know all my neighbors very well, in fact, I don't even know who the family is that lives directly across from me-- I think it's an asian family? And I'm always afraid whoever it is will come bursting out saying "Hey! What the fuck, buddy! You put your fucking trash in front of my house? You don't see me disrespecting your shitty house!"

When I think about it rationally obviously no neighbor would give a shit, especially if I come out and get my trash bin right after the trash man takes it; obviously I could see someone getting upset if I just left it out there all day. Still, even with that in mind, I can't shake the feeling that I'm getting away with something when I do it.
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I am not impressed with your vile tricks, temptress.

I am very bad about being cold to hot girls. And when I say "hot", I don't mean the kind of girl that I think is hot, I mean the kind of girl who has hair that obviously takes her a long time to style, wears lots of make-up, and talks in this high pitched baby voice while running her fingers in her hair no matter who she's talking to, and wears shirts with her boobs hanging out. You know. Paris Hilton types, except real people you actually know.

I am kind of mean to them. It's just instinct. People that were the type to be popular in high school, even if all grown up now, make me feel full of disgust. When it's a guy I just hate them. But when it's a woman I specifically resent them. Their very existence makes me think constantly, "How dare you?"

What really annoys me about them is when every guy I'm around suddenly reverts to a 12 year old boy and all trip over their own dicks to converge around her. Worse, often this competitive nature that was never there in any other situation comes bubbling up and they all become assholes to one another in a weird attempt to impress her, like she's going to say, "Oh my god, you totally made fun of that guy in such a totally unrecoverable way! Please bend me over something now!"

And when she looks over at me, I feel like she's thinking to herself, "Oh look, there's another toy for me to play with and to give me attention."

This makes me do the opposite. I stare at them with contempt and go out of my way with my actions and body language to say "I AM NOT IMPRESSED WITH YOUR VILE TRICKS, TEMPTRESS."

But then I realize that the way I'm being isn't fair. She can't help the way she looks, I think. Sure, she can help the way she dresses, but what's wrong with a sexual being exhibiting sexuality? And if boys are going to stab each other in the back just to be near her, well, eventually it would just be natural to take advantage of that. If I had every girl I came in contact with fall at my feet, I'm not sure that I wouldn't eventually give in to that. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't be aware of how ridiculous the situation is or that I stop being a good person, so there's no reason this person isn't genuinely cool but also a sex pot who takes advantage of the attention she gets. After all, if I want to know her as a person and not as a thing that I want to have sex with, why in the world should I care about guys wanting to bone her?

So what invariably happens is that I'll see her alone, in a rare moment not being crowded by men who seek her attention, and I'll think to myself, here, try some one on one. Get to know her as a person. So I'll approach her and I'll start conversation.

"Sigh. So uhm. What kind of music do you like?"

And they grin and bounce a bit so their boobs jiggle and they run their finger through their hair and say "Oh my god, like, I *insert shittiest band in the world here!* I like music that is so bad I don't even know how bad it is! What about you?"

"Absolutely nothing! I listen to no music at all! See ya around!"
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Hating is good for you and me

I thought about it really hard, and I realized today that I don't hate anyone I know. And it kinda bothered me. I mean, honestly, I'm a really agreeable person, easy to get along with. But I'm also very sensitive and opinionated and it's very, very rare for no one to be on my "list". I enjoy having enemies, I really do, so long as my number of friends outnumber my number of enemies. I think hating things and people is good for the soul, so long as you use it in a positive way. Hate can give you purpose and direction. So when I don't hate anyone, I feel bored and directionless.

When you're a bitter, hateful person and you realize you don't hate anyone, it makes you start looking for reasons to hate people, and that's not good. So someone needs to join my blog right now and start getting all up in my face about stupid shit before I start scowling and swearing at innocent people for undeserving reasons.

Interesting thought.

You know one thing I honestly don't understand about conservatives? Their aversion to stem cell research.

They call themselves patriots, but clearly they don't care enough about their country for it to get ahead. Stem cell research is ineviable. The only thing their support of pushing it back does is clinch the scenario that some other country beats us to it. And why would a so-called patriot willingly allow some other country to beat us to the punch in something as important as science?

Imagine how different the world would be if Italy had invented the steam engine. If Russia had invented the cotton gin. Imagine how different the world would be if the Japanese beat us to the nuclear bomb. If the Russians put a man on the moon first.

Imagine how different the world will be when China cures cancer.

Win for Evolution, sorry Christian friends, I mean no disrespect... I am a science guy.

Question: Why do women have periods?
Answer, According to a Christian: Eve ate from the fruit from the tree of knowledge, and as punishment, God cursed Eve with pregnancy, and a period once every month.
Follow-Up Question: Okay, fine. So why do dogs, horses, and most other large mammals have periods?
Answer, According to a Christian: Something something man has domain over the animals?
Answer, According to Science: Because all mammals have a common ancestor, and the menstruation period has to do with the common reproductive cycle all mammals have.
Any comments are welcome. I love a good religious debate :)

Loved this story, got me thinking.

During the recent non-Rapture, I heard a story on NPR that, as an atheist, I wasn't sure where I stood morally.
Eternal Earth-Bound Pets. This is a real company that really does provide a service for a hypothetical scenario that will never happen. For a fee of 135 dollars, with 20 dollars for each additional pet, in the eventual time that the rapture comes, this company will take care of your pets. You of course will be unable to, because you'll be raptured up to heaven. This group does not believe in God (and, to make sure there are no loopholes and they get Raptured anyway, every member of Eternal Earthbound Pets denies the existence of the Holy Spirit at least once a month, which is the only unforgivable sin-- look it up), so they'll be around to take care of your pets until the absolute end.
And I don't know what I think of this, from a moral atheist point of view. On the one hand, they're taking advantage of people's ignorance. On the other hand, unlike every other person who takes advantage of people's religious superstitions, this organization is being completely upfront about who they are and what they believe. This isn't the same as some evangelist on the air crying and pleading on air for the audience to send money, and then using that money to buy expensive cars and fuck hookers. This is an organization that says, on the chance that we're wrong and you're right, we're not going anywhere, and we promise to take care of your pets. So since they're being up front about everything, they're not hiding that they're atheists, they're not hiding what they believe in (or don't), so if someone wants to spend their money on someone that's being completely up front, then that's their business.
But there's still the fact that, up front or not, they're still taking advantage of people's ignorance, even if the person is giving the money willingly.

Response from an E-mail I sent the company... of course I did.
for the record, we do not ask our representatives to blaspheme monthly. Once at time of hiring is sufficient. 
We tell our potential clients that we do not believe in the rapture, and state it on our site. We also tell them we never expect to have to execute these contracts, but are prepared to if we are proven wrong. 
Unless one is so arrogant as to assume that 40 million rapture believers are mentally deficient and incapable of making any judgements, then the concept of "taking advantage of the ignorant" is erroneous.
Bart Centrecreator/co-owner Eternal Earth-Bound Pets

My problem with local foods

I hate going into Tacoma Boys and Farmer's Markets or what have you, because like most people, I have been going to regular grocery stores my whole life, and when I walk into one of these places. I have no idea what brands are good. Let me give you an example: Peanut Butter. When I walk into a grocery store, I know what Jif is going to taste like, and that it will taste acceptable. But when I walk into one of these places, not only is every brand of peanut butter more expensive than Jif, making the risk less palatable, none of them sound appealing at all. They have names like Jim Burkilbottoms' Organic Peanut Salve and Hurley Jacktower's All Natural Nutty Paste Solution. And yes, I'm sure any of them is probably healthier than that bottle of Jif's, but they also have labels that appear to be hand drawn, and I don't know if I'm buying a "product" of somebody who's actually making something of good quality or somebody selling stuff out of the back of his tub that's been laced with asbestos. 
What they really need at these high-end grocery stores is somebody at the entrance who is basically a tour guide who can point you to harmless equivalents of things you're used to if you're a first timer. I'm sure you could just go up and ask somebody what peanut butter they recommend if you wanted, but I'm also sure by the fifth or sixth "Seriously, what the fuck is this?" they'll start to say, "Listen, I have other things to do than follow you around all day." Which is why we need somebody whose job it is entirely to say "Oh, you buy Jif? Then the qualities of peanut butter you're looking for will be found in Bobby Jack-Jacks Creamy Peanut Slurry. And if you find that you like that, you might want to graduate to Farmer Glibjarb's Peanut Cream Spread Substitute."

Every had a whole story inspired by a song?

I don't know if you've ever heard Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots  by The Flaming Lips before, but years ago as I was listening to it, a very, very distinct movie idea started forming in my head. Pink Robots  is not a concept album, in fact, robots only come up in two songs, and Yoshimi herself only comes up in the title track. Still, certain ideas brought up in specific songs really formed an entire world in my head. And as time passed and I heard the record more and more, the idea became more elaborate and concrete, and I've always thought, goddammit, that would be a really fun movie. 
And it just sat there in my head for years, mostly because it's a lark. I'll never be able to make such a movie-- even if I am ever afforded the ability to write a movie, it certainly wouldn't be this one, as I am just a guy with a blog, and not a Hollywood writer, or friends with the band who can slip this idea in their pocket so they can start talking to Hollywood writers.
Still, every single time any Flaming Lips song comes up on random-- not even just the ones from Pink Robots-- I can't stop thinking about this idea. I finally decided, you know what? Why not just write the fucking thing down?
If you know the record very well, you'll note that the bulk of the plot is inspired by the songs "Fight Test", "One More Robot/ Sympathy 3000-21", and of course "Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots", but if you've never heard the record before, I still think you'll be able to keep up.

YOSHIMI BATTLES THE PINK ROBOTS
It's 2033, and we are in a city called Neo-Tokyo, a retro-futuristic world with hyper saturated colors (such as found in Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World). Sky-scrapers reach to the sky, there are neon-colors everywhere, and the movie is almost entirely shot during the daylight, giving everything an almost utopian glow. This is what you expect when you think of anime being translated into real life. The entire cast, including all extras, is about 45% white, 45% Asian, with the remaining 10% being other minorities. Most people have spiky anime-style haircuts, dyed every imaginable color.
The movie opens with gorgeous swooping shots of this hyper-pristine city with a voice-over newscast-- live on the scene!-- of a new musical opening in downtown. As we watch the news reporter interview various cast members and producers outside of the theater, we cut to an office building where the TV is on, playing the news cast. This is obviously the floor of some sort of ad agency, and the camera settles on our main character, Garnet. He is unassuming, white, and currently working on some sort of design, deeply lost in thought. The office floor is bustling.
Suddenly there's an enormous, earth-rattling crash just outside the window, and there is panic in the office. All the workers scramble to the window to see what's happening outside. The news reporter is in front of the theater which, coincidentally, is across the street. She tries her best to narrate exactly what's going on to her live telecast.
In the middle of the boulevard is a two-story retro-style robot, menacing in every way except that it is colored bright pink, and as it shouts "DESTROY! DESTROY!", it begins to stomp around and smash into buildings as people scatter in fright. The news reporter keeps narrating, informing the viewer that it's another one of these giant pink robots that have come to destroy Neo-Tokyo, and that the last time this happened it was just six months ago.
With that, all of the sudden, a brightly-colored ninja wearing a motorcycle helmet does a backflip off a building and lands in the street dramatically. We cut up to the window of the ad agency with our main character, who smiles gently. We go back down and the ninja removes her helmet, letting out a long mane of beautiful jet-black hair. This is Yoshimi, a sexy, svelte, yet appreciably cute Japanese woman in her mid twenties, and as she whips her hair around she poses, looks at all the civilians around, who are now still with silence as they look on. She smiles and gives a thumbs up. The crowd goes apeshit. Suddenly we cut to a poster on the wall of Yoshimi giving that exact smile and thumbs up in an ad for soda. We have several more jump cuts around the street of Yoshimi giving variations of that same smile and pimping various different products on advertisements all across the city.
The robot stops and sets its sights on her. We see its Robo-vision, TARGET: YOSHIMI. THREAT EXTREMELY HIGH. DESTROY WITH IMPUNITY.
Yoshimi pulls out a bottle of vitamins and, being sure to pose with the bottle for the crowd, pops a few-- we cut to another poster of her pimping said vitamins. Then she gets into a battle pose, runs at the robot, and unleashes fury. Despite being much smaller than this hulking behemoth, she is able to run up along buildings and, with a flurry of awesome ninja moves, destroys the pink robot. The crowd cheers again.
Yoshimi poses a bit, waves at her audience, then looks up into the window where Garnet is, winks and blows a kiss. Garnet smiles and blows back, then waves. Yoshimi runs up a building and disappears.

This is the opening to Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots. The plot of the story will be about Garnet, who is in a long-term commitment with Yoshimi, the super ninja badass, biggest celebrity in the entire world. Over the course of the movie Garnet will have to deal with how emasculating it is that he's a nobody-- just a guy at an ad agency, shit on by his boss and largely ignored by his coworkers, while his girlfriend is the most beloved person on the planet.
Living in Yoshimi's shadow for as long as he's known-- they were childhood friends, dated in high school, and now, in their mid twenties, are engaged to be married-- Garnet is living in a state of perpetual lack of ever having to be responsible for anything concrete other than his relationship. Yes, this particular theme of being a man and learning to grow up has been dealt with a lot  in movies, especially lately, but here we have a story of a man not just learning how to be a man, but how to be his own man, and not just a thing that is standing next to his girlfriend when the paparazzi show up and take pictures. Garnet is frequently humiliated by looking at the papers and seeing that he has been cropped out entirely from the photo, often leaving just his disembodied arm around hers.
Furthermore, Yoshimi, being this super-awesome ninja, hasn't just overshadowed his existence in the world, but also fights all of his battles. Not because she is overbearing, but because Garnet does not have much of a spine, and, well, Yoshimi isn't afraid of confrontation. 
One of the things that always interests me about stories is the idea of the supporting character. What if you knew that you were the supporting character, the second banana in the story of your life? And what if the story focused on that character, even though all the major events followed the top character? What if Harry Potter was written from Ron Weasley's perspective? What if Godfather was written from Connie Corleone, Michael Corleone's little sister's perspective?Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots  would be about Garnet realizing that there is worth in being second banana, that he can be a supporting character in his own life, so long as he is still a fully rounded person as himself.
Meanwhile, there's the problem of these giant robots that keep showing up and attempting to destroy Neo-Tokyo, and initially the city doesn't seem to mind much because they always have Yoshimi there to turn them into scrap metal. As the movie progresses, the robots that show up start getting bigger and more elaborate, giving Yoshimi a run for her money. What exactly is happening here?
At the end of the first act, we will cut to a dangerous, smoldering volcano on an island somewhere, and we find out that, indeed, these robots are being made on an assembly line, and they keep coming faster and faster, larger and larger, to the point that it's inevitable for Yoshimi to become overwhelmed. A computer AI has been making these things, each one better than the other, and what was a faulty part from the previous model gets thrown into a ditch, replaced with something new. Eventually these parts become sentient and put themselves together-- it turns out that the parts that didn't work were the parts that make sentience, ergo, not parts that work well for killing machines. This is Robot 3000-21, who is appalled that its creator is hell bent on destroying humanity, starting with Neo-Tokyo. He heads there to help out, and discovering that, were he to introduce himself to Yoshimi, would probably be immediately destroyed, he decides to approach the next best thing: Garnet.
Along the way there will be scenes of Garnet not sticking up for himself, learning to become a man. At the climax of the movie, while trying to get to the AI to help a quickly-becoming-overwhelmed Yoshimi, Garnet will get in a fist fight with a character that he's always hated-- a high school "friend" that has known him and Yoshimi since grade school, and has been dogging him throughout the movie. This guy has always had the hots for Yoshimi, and has always been there to bust his balls way past the point of comfort, and when she and Garnet get into arguments, is always there to tell her she should dump him. Of course, Garnet has never told this guy to fuck off because he's been too much of a wimp up until this point, always trying to be the better man, always trying to play it cool. But here, in this crucial moment, Garnet has had enough, and after all the insane pyrotechnics and crazy stunts from the ninja Yoshimi destroying things three, four times her size through the first two acts, the most nail biting moment in the movie will be a normal, run-of-the-mill fist fight, mano-a-mano.
Of course, Garnet wins, is able to destroy the AI from making more robots, giving Yoshimi the breathing room to get a second wind, and completely and utterly kick ass.
Also, somewhere during the middle of the movie, before shit really hits the fan, there will be a slow, romantic moment where Garnet and Yoshimi are in a club, in a dark corner, smiling and looking into each others eyes. The Flaming Lips are playing  live in the club. They are finishing "It's Summertime", and as the last notes fill the room, Yoshimi tells him that she wants to be close to him. They stand up and take each other in arms, as The Lips start up "Do You Realize???", and it's as if the entire room disappears, and it's just the two of them, holding each other.
I'm not kidding, I just teared up thinking about it.

A little elitist fit

I hate other geeks!
I am a geek. It's not something I'm ashamed of. I owned stacks and stacks of comic books. Just the other day I had a conversation over whether Captain America could beat Batman up (he could, unless the time and place had been predetermined, in which case Batman could plan ahead). I used to have tons of comic book collectible cards (although I got out of them back in like, 1994, I never wanted to get rid of them). I had a rather large collection of toys. I have every major video game console, and owned over 180 games before I got rid of the bulk of them when I moved to Arizona-- and that was only Playstation era and up Most people with that large a collection start at NES.
Having said that, there are an unfortunately large amount of things associated with geek culture that not only do I not understand, but bring out the inner bully in me and make me want to beat these kinds of geeks up.
* Anime I don't care how into anime you are. All anime looks the same. I'm sorry, it does. And this is coming from someone who can pinpoint comic book artists by looking at their work, someone who knows the difference between Monet and Degas, someone who briefly attempted to get into anime but just couldn't. It all looks the same. Now, to an obsessive, they look different, but I'm sure a toenail expert can tell you what toe a random clipping came from, but that means nothing to me. All anime looks the same. Period. And there are way too many giant robots, even in anime that has little to nothing to do with giant robots. And all anime uses the same voice actors. And there are too many demons that look stupid. And action anime characters always announce their moves when they do them. And what's up with all those speed lines? And why does all anime have the exact same sound effects? And what's up with monsters with tentacles? And if a virgin gets raped by a undead robot ninja demon, how is she still a virgin in the next episode? And the plots! Oh, god! The plots!
*The Fantasy Genre in General When I first saw a painting of a dragon, I thought it was pretty bad ass. And when I saw a painting of an awesome body builder with huge battle axes and hot topless chicks at his side, I thought it was pretty sweet. Then I turned fifteen and realized it was all just the same thing over and over again. Dragons, orcs, trolls, goblins, sorcerers, barbarians, valkryies, yadda yadda yadda. Who the hell cares?
*Dungeons and Dragons Right before I realized I hated the fantasy genre, I tried very briefly to get into D&D. But no matter who I played with and what class I was playing, I couldn't get over how shitty it was. "You come across a goblin, what do you do?" "I, uh, kill the goblin." *rolls dice* *rolls dice again* *more rolling of dice* "You missed. Now the goblin swings. What do you do?" "I uh... Try not to get hit?" *rolls dice* *rolls a different type of die* *rolls it again* "What's your stamina?" "Uh, 24." "And your defense?" "Uh, 17." "And your charisma?" "25." *flips through a book* *rolls another die* "Okay, you're dead." Sorry Brandon.. :(
*Magic: The Gathering Magic is pretty similar to the suckiness of the fantasy genre in general and D&D, except heightened by the fact that the rules are written in fucking Greek and make absolutely no goddamn sense. Yes, I did learn them, I also leaned quantum physics, that doesn't mean it isn't over complicated. Yes, hordes of Magic players will disagree that the rules to Magic are not overly complex, but then, there are people out there that have translated Hamlet into Klingon, so I don't give a shit what Magic geeks say. Again sorry Brandon :(
* Star Wars  On the one hand, I get why people obsess over it. There's an elaborate back universe to get lost in if you need to divert attention from your aging virginity, and the series has a crappy mumbo-jumbo philosophy to it for people who want to pretend they think about deep things. And I appreciate what Star Wars did to the movie industry. But, I mean, the series is a thinly-veiled attempt to sell shitty, low-grade action figures that only passingly look similar to their movie counterparts, and endless useless paraphernalia. At worst it's just corny and predictable.
*Star Trek Okay, what I don't understand is Trekkies. The original series was imaginative but too cheeseball for me to take seriously. Deep Space Nine was cool at first but quickly grew tiresome with its constant soap-opera-like melodrama. Voyager was basically just Next Generation Junior. And Enterprise, well, I don't even know when it came on. I understand it as entertainment, but not as a lifestyle thing.
*Cosplay See, I really don't have to explain why dressing up as characters that look ridiculous asfiction anyway and look even more ridiculous when you spend 20 bucks to look like them is idiotic. I really don't.
*Fan Fiction Yes, I've written a fan fiction. Two of them, in fact. But I do not warrant or endorse fan fiction. Nor do I particularly understand them. Especially the ones where the writers imagine romantic and/or erotic situations between two characters (particularly if they're homosexual). I think it's the whole Harlequin novel aspect. Reading Harlequin novels is pretty pathetic. Writing them when you're not being paid is even worse. If you're a good writer, why not just write something... You know... real? And if you're not a good writer... Why not watch TV some more?
*Vampires I know this is more of a Goth thing, but if you think about it, goths are just geeks that have a gloom fetish. Anyway, vampires are the most boring creatures in all of horror. They're just people. Except they're spoooky! And they all wear black! And drink blood! And nowadays, they're Victorian! And have emotional issues! Oh, brother.

Yet another fucking idiot scaled the fence to a Polar Bea...

Yet another fucking idiot scaled the fence to a Polar Bear cage, this time in London. Zoos of the world are now forced to close their respective Polar Bear exhibits after said idiot, one Melissa Fockdoosh of Reddon, England, got mauled to death."This is the eighth asshole to climb the fence to a Polar Bear exhibit in only the past six months," said London Zoo official Erik Shingler of the most recent Polar Bear-related death. "It's like a goddamn worldwide epidemic.""No matter how high we make the fences," continued Shingler, "no matter how many signs we put on the fences saying 'Do Not Climb Fences' or 'Animals Are Not Safe To Interact With', or 'You Fucking Idiot, This is a Fucking Bear, It Will Kill You if It Gets A Chance', even if we have the fences electrified, these idiots keep climbing over and they keep getting mauled to death."Clayton Maliszewski, Director of the International Zoo Association which is an organization with members representing over 388 zoos across the world, has decided to close down the Polar Bear exhibits in every zoo in its group in reaction to these constant deaths."We regret this decision," said Maliszewski in a press conference today, "but it's become a neccessity. Ordinarily these stories are good for a laugh on 'weird news' websites, but this phenomenon has crossed the line from novel amusement at the gene pool losing one more retard to something genuinely concerning. The zoos of the world keep getting sued by the idiot families of these fucking lunatics, and if we continue leaving the Polar Bear exhibits open and more of them just keep climbing over to their doom, it's going to get to the point where we'll have to raise tickets to prices so high people who aren't insane and don't plan on jumping in cages with wild animals and just want to bring the kids won't want to come." "Besides, nearly every polar bear in every zoo internationally has eaten at least one of these dumbasses, and once they've tasted blood, they go fucking crazy, making our jobs that much more difficult," said Maliszewski.The IZA stated that all polar bear exhibits will be closed immediately, and the polar bears will have been moved to the North Pole by the end of 2009, where, thanks to life-long domestication, they will die within weeks."Global warming is going to kill all the polar bears," stated Maliszewski, "so it made our job of keeping them safe and ensuring their continual breeding in our artificial habitats absolutely essential. Now, thanks to these mouth-breathing fuckwits who absolutely can't continue their shitty lives without hugging one and inadvertently getting eaten, we have no fucking polar bears. Happy now, assholes?"Panda bears are kept in far fewer zoos and are a more rare treat for zoo-goers and, therefore, there are far fewer people jumping at them to their painful deaths, meaning they will be seen in zoos for many more years to come. That is unless of course they continue to refuse to breed, in which case they, too, will die out soon. But that's totally nobody's fault but their own.------*the picture above is a real picture, also, the name i picked isn't her real name. i'm not THAT big of an asshole.