Matador Network's Blog, page 2247

Meanwhile, in the Philippines [vid]

At Cebu City Zoo in the Philippines, they’re trying to make the zoo more “interactive” — you can now get a massage from four 20ft Burmese pythons. The massage consists of simply putting the pythons — totally 250 kilograms (550 pounds) — on top of you and letting them sliver all over your body.

In case you were wondering, yes, a Burmese python is totally capable of killing you through constriction, and can deliver a pretty mean bite as well. But the zoo feeds each of the pythons “ten or more chickens” prior to each massage in order “to curb any hunger pangs.”

I should note that, according to Wikipedia, “Burmese pythons are opportunistic feeders…they will eat almost any time food is offered.” On the plus side, the massage is free.

Notes from a father-daughter trip

Photo: Hamama Harib

MY PARENTS DIVORCED when I was three. I stood to the side while my dad tried to figure out how to adjust the pleats of my school uniform. “I’ve never ironed a skirt before,” he said. In a row of girls wearing black leather shoes and lace socks, I wore hiking boots and wool. Neither one of us had ever heard of starching a skirt.

With divorce came dating, then step-parents and an ever-changing mix of families. Only our father-daughter trips remained the same.

In the passenger seat of a beat-up Pathfinder, I tapped my feet against the floorboards and listened as he told stories. He always did the accents. We spent hours driving across state lines, exploring wide expanses of public land.

He took me to the woods before I learned to walk. Sitting on weather-beaten picnic benches, we watched the Pacific roll into the rocks and then slide back again. We read Mark Twain and Thoreau, stared at the stars, followed one another’s bobbing headlamps into the damp corridors of underground caves, stretching out afterwards on warm rocks, watching the lazy flight patterns of turkey vultures.

In Colorado, riding along a dusty horizon with the scent of burned cattle hair clinging to our clothes, he commented on the weather, the scenery, the horses, the food. I kept my thoughts to myself. The more people pushed, the more I retreated. My dad learned to wait.

On the shores of Yellowstone Lake, trying to reel in anything that would bite, I asked if I could take a kayak out alone.

He tightened the straps of my life vest and stood on the shore as the red kayak cut through the eddy and out toward the lake. The wind swept the water into white-capped peaks, pushing me farther from shore. I panicked, unable to paddle against the current or the wind, screaming for help. After he had rescued me, after we had tied up the kayaks and put away the fishing tackle, he said, “I’m proud of you, kiddo.”

I threw a rock into the lake. “I couldn’t do it.”

He flicked the brim of my baseball hat, pushing it up and away from my eyes. “You were brave enough to try.”

We didn’t catch any trout that night. I poked a stick into the campfire, watching the embers sputter and then smoke.

In college, halfway through a biology degree I didn’t want, frustrated with my introverted nature and my ever-present fear of failure, I called my dad.

I wanted to ask if he remembered our trip to Yellowstone. And I wanted the mountains. I drove the six hours home. Immersed in the scent of the Sierra Nevada, tapping my boots against the leaves, I tried to explain how I felt sheltered in the mountains, how I wanted to trust people, how it takes time. How when you feel too much, you learn to pretend you feel nothing at all. How when it’s impossible to become impervious, you learn to become elusive.

I was eleven again, throwing rocks into the lake, mired in my own disappointment and unable to see the merit of having tried. He reminded me. With only the trees, the smallest birds flitting from one branch to another, I felt bigger than myself. I hinted at dreams.  I wanted to say thank you. I never did. It’s not too late, but I couldn’t find the words.

I don’t know much about child development, about the impact of divorce or of incessant uprooting. But I know that in a constant flux of moving and change, of people entering and exiting, those father-daughter trips gave me a pathway to myself. I know that under his guidance, within the boundaries of North America’s public lands, the courage to try became the mantra of my heartbeat, the open road became a kind of therapy.

Because in spite of my fears and all my hesitation, I have failed spectacularly, turned it into a sort of art. I have fallen hard, skidding into mistakes, wheels spinning, emerging bleeding and broken from clouds of dust. And I have never learned to give up. Because there is a version of me standing on the shores of Yellowstone Lake with bruised knuckles and bluish lips. She remembers. She has faith in her father’s words; she fights hard to go her own way.

And he won’t take credit for it. But he should. Because while he stood helplessly in the feminine care aisle, wondering how to teach her all the things she might need to know about being a woman, he overlooked that the most important thing he’d ever give her is the courage to be herself.

From the passenger seat of a beat-up Pathfinder, under desert skies, along dusty trails, from the bow of an old red kayak, she learned to live, to travel, to cling stubbornly to her own ideals, to take wrong turns and hard falls, to find solace in the mountains, to never learn to starch a skirt, to stay within her head because she likes it there. And when she is thousands of miles off-course, feeling homesick and alone, she will always know where to go. There will always be Yosemite, there will always be Yellowstone, there will always be a place outside with a wide blue sky and her father’s voice saying, “Be brave enough to try.”

Meet the ultimate World Cup 2014 fan

Andy Smith at Maracanã stadium in Rio de Janeiro.
All photos courtesy of Andy Smith, unless otherwise noted.

Let’s just assume we’ve all had enough on-the-road experience to know the grind of typical traveler small talk: “Where are you from?” or “How long are you traveling for?” we mechanically ask each other, most of us just on the same backpacker trail with a few detours. This isn’t the case when it comes to Andy Smith, or, as he’s known on the road: Smudger.

The 35-year-old Englishman has spent the last five months on a 5,500-mile whirlwind assault, dubbed Smudger Samba Cycle, to all 12 stadiums in World Cup host cities spread out around Brazil. With the world’s largest sporting event now in full swing, the lifelong Watford FC supporter is finally getting off his bike to attend all of England’s matches.

The journey’s wide media buzz has helped Andy spread the word on his commendable charity campaign, as he raises donations for Laureus Sport for Good Foundation and Watford FC’s Community Sports and Education Trust. In the words of Smudger himself, “they both provide community sports-based projects for people that need activities, training, education, and positive aspirations.”

I had the opportunity to meet up with the football-crazed fan in Salvador, where he joined me on my free walking tour. And now I’m chatting to him again as he approaches the last leg of his bike journey in Manaus. You can read more of his stories on his blog.

A map of Andy Smith’s whirlwind journey.

SF: You’ve kind of become a mini-celebrity in some parts of Brazil. Is it strange being recognized? And let’s be honest, are you tired of answering the same interview questions yet?

AS: Yeah, I’ve been recognised a lot when cycling on the day or two after leaving cities where I had local, or even national, media coverage. It’s weird, because I’m just a normal guy from England, so nothing like this happens to me back home. But I’m really glad the Brazilian people like my journey. And, no, I’m not tired of answering questions yet. I just hope I get across how amazing Brazil is to people reading about it for the first time.

Andy Smith with the British Ambassador and Consuls at different stadia.

You said you knew Brazil 2014 was your dream World Cup before even stepping foot in the country. Why?

I think it’s fair to say that this country loves football more than any other, so combine that passion with the beautiful landscape, people, music, and culture here, and how can it not be a dream location for any football fan? I can say for sure that every World Cup host city is different in unique ways, so the fans will love exploring whichever destinations they visit.

You used to call yourself a Management Accountant. Do you ever think about your desk back in London?

I’ve been told a lot that I’m ‘brave’ to quit my job in London and travel across Brazil alone, but I think it’s the most sane decision I’ve ever made. I wasn’t happy doing what I did before, so I made a radical change in order to do something that I’m passionate about instead. So no regrets at all.

You’ve stayed in an abandoned ‘horror-movie’ house, a fairy castle, and, ‘by accident,’ you stayed overnight in one of Brazil’s infamous love motels. Tell us what really happened there.

Some days I don’t know where I’ll stay overnight until I get there, and so sometimes bizarre things happen. The love motel was hilarious, since I twigged what it was whilst checking in but carried on anyway since the sun was setting, and therefore I didn’t want to cycle any further that day. I felt very self-conscious pushing my bike — ironically named Legover at the time — along the corridor to ‘our’ room, but once inside I decided to make fun of the situation and started posting photos and comments on Facebook, which got lots of replies from friends around the world.

The sand dunes of Lençóis Maranhenses National Park.

Chapada Diamantina National Park in Bahia state.

You seem to be good at finding yourself in some weird situations, like being in a religious cult theme park and a town crazed for UFO spottings. What’s the oddest thing you’ve encountered so far? Did you join a cult or see any UFOs yourself?

I think the oddest has to be the religious community at Vale do Amanhecer because they’ve created such a unique and colourful place with all the strange buildings, costumes, and ceremonies. I’ve never seen anything else quite like it. And I may be unfair to call it a cult, but since they apparently recruit new members by bringing homeless and ex-alcoholics here, then I think there’s a form of brainwashing going on, since it’s easier to make desperate people into believers. No doubt they have a better life here, though, so I’m not criticising.

Andy Smith and his bushy beard hang out in Salvador’s historic centre on Salvador Free Walking Tours. Photo: Author.

So you’re currently single. Do you think all the international media coverage might have boosted your dating profile when you return to London?

I doubt it, since no one apart from family and friends seems to be taking much notice of my adventure back home, judging by the charity donations so far. Also, I doubt the bushy beard is helping my image with the ladies.

How do you feel about Brazil’s preparation for the World Cup? What are your expectations for the tournament?

Let’s be honest, the preparations are far from ideal. I was pretty shocked by the unfinished stadia I witnessed in Curitiba, São Paulo, and Cuiabá, but the main issue is the related infrastructure around the stadia that hasn’t materialised in many host cities, which is a great shame. However, the international fans arriving soon won’t know any different, and they’ll have an amazing time in Brazil enjoying the fantastic cities, carnival atmosphere, and exciting football.

Andy Smith (back left) with a group of cyclists at Christ the Redeemer in Rio.

Is England going to win?

England will lose on penalties in the quarterfinals, as per usual. I predict a Brazil versus Spain final with the Europeans breaking the hosts’ hearts by retaining the trophy.

There’s been lots of controversy around this year’s Cup. Despite that fact, can you feel the football fever gripping the nation?

Of course I’m here to celebrate this World Cup, so it’s been difficult to see people protesting against it, but during my journey I’ve learnt a lot about the reasons for these protests. And of course I understand their fundamental argument that it cost far too much public money to construct the 12 stadia. But I really do feel the excitement building now amongst the vast majority of Brazilians, and hopefully the political debates can be put to one side for the next month, and everyone will come together to enjoy an incredible World Cup.

21 surprising facts about Costa Rica

Photo: … your local connection

1. Costa Ricans call themselves ticos (males) and ticas (females).
2. It’s not a big deal to see someone walking around with a machete.

Although it’s more common in the countryside, ticos use machetes for everything and often keep one on them. They’re considered the Costa Rican equivalent of duct tape.

3. Costa Rica is only slightly smaller than Lake Michigan.

And has 801 miles of coastline.

4. Ticos often refer to their significant others as their “media naranja”.

Which means “the other half of their orange.”

5. Costa Rica’s president, Luis Guillermo Solís, won the 2014 election with over 77% of the vote.

This was the largest margin ever recorded for a free election in Costa Rica. Previously, Costa Rica’s president was Laura Chinchilla, Costa Rica’s first female president and sixth female elected for president of a Latin American country.

6. Costa Rica has more than 121 volcanic formations, with seven of them being active.

Poás Volcano has the second widest crater in the world, and Arenal is one of the ten most active volcanoes in the world.

7. The country is host to more than 5% of the world’s biodiversity.

Even though its landmass only takes up .03% of the planet’s surface, more than 10% of the world’s butterflies live here — there are about 750,000 species of insects that live in Costa Rica, and 20,000 various kinds of spiders.

8. Costa Rica has no standing army.

They abolished the army in 1948 after their last civil war ended.

9. Costa Rican women don’t take their husband’s last name.

And instead use their full maiden name for life. Children take their father’s name but add their mother’s maiden name to their full name.

10. Instead of saying a woman “had a baby,” ticos say “ella dio a luz.”

Meaning, “she gave light.”

11. Every Costa Rican radio station plays the national anthem every morning at 7am.
12. Until a few years ago, wearing shorts was a sign of disrespect.

And government buildings wouldn’t allow visitors to enter unless they were wearing long pants.

13. Pedestrians are called “targets.”

And speed bumps are called “son muertos” — in English, “(they are) dead people.”

14. Costa Rica is considered one of the most valued environmental destinations in the world.

There are over 100 protected areas to visit, and 25% of the country has protected forests and reserves.

15. Ice cream flavors in Costa Rica are interesting and sometimes slightly weird.

Flavors include coconut, goat cheese, wild blackberry, peanut, sour cream, chipotle blueberry, chocolate almond, and more.

16. You could easily call Costa Rica the unofficial hummingbird capital.

The country is home to over 52 species of hummingbird.

17. Pura Vida is a happy, feel-good expression.

Pura Vida is used regularly by the locals when asked how they are or in passing to say hello or goodbye.

18. Costa Rica has an exceptionally high life expectancy of 79, one of the highest in the world.

And receives international praise for its modern healthcare system, where it’s ranked 36th in the world by the World Health Organization (WHO). The Nicoya Peninsula is one of the world’s seven Blue Zones, a place where people live longer and happier lives, and has a high concentration of people over age 100.

19. There are usually no street names or addresses.

So people simply get accustomed to giving directions via landmarks. When giving someone a home address, ticos usually say something like, “It’s the blue house just south of where the cow is tied up,” or “It’s 500 meters north of the big tree.”

20. Mae is the Costa Rican slang term for “dude.”

And is used regularly in conversation with young people.

21. Costa Rica has a 96% literacy rate.

In rural areas of the country where ticos are very poor and don’t have access to school, classes are taught on air over a national radio station.

Yes, gay men play sports too

NO ONE SHOULD NEED “PERMISSION” to be themselves. But one of the biggest and worst stereotypes I’ve encountered are the ones that try to link sports to homosexuality.

“Girls who play sports are lesbians,” or “Guys who play sports aren’t gay” are two of the more common things I’ve heard over the years, but they give you a good idea of what many people in the world believe. I think it’s incredibly brave when anyone in the limelight, not just athletes, comes out to the public, because it helps us change the way we view LGBTQ culture.

In light of the craziness that is the 2014 FIFA World Cup, I hope that people set aside their prejudices and focus more on the awesomeness that is soccer. I hope they can appreciate the feeling of pride at having their culture and country represented during this time, and that they can cheer on the members of their favorite teams, regardless of who the athletes choose to love in return.

10 best World Cup goals of all time

Photo: Moazzam Brohi

WHILE THIS YEAR’S WORLD CUP is sure to have its fair share of electrifying strikes, years past have shown us the same. Take a look at 10 of our favorite World Cup goals of all time, in no particular order.

Diego Maradona: Argentina vs England, 1986

No, it’s not the notorious “Hand of God” goal. This one came less than 5 minutes later during the same game. Upon receiving the ball, Maradona turned on the jet engines and covered 60 meters in 10 seconds, dribbling past four English defenders (Terry Butcher had the joy of being juked around twice) and goalkeeper Peter Shilton before releasing the ball into an open goal. Though still up for debate, the goal was voted the FIFA World Cup Goal of the Century in 2002 by fans from all over the globe.

Dennis Bergkamp: Netherlands vs Argentina, 1998

It took Dennis Bergkamp less than 2.5 seconds to formulate a solution to the 1-1 score during the 90th minute of the quarterfinal match between Holland and Argentina: three precision touches of the ball (all made with his right foot). With the first touch, Bergkamp gracefully reins in Frank de Boer’s long pass before megging Roberto Ayala for touch number two, only to complete the series by expertly placing the shot past goalkeeper Carlos Roa into the far top corner.

Michael Owen: England vs Argentina, 1998

A well-kept secret until this point, Michael Owen made his name known with this goal at a young 18 years of age. Receiving the ball in stride just past midfield, Owen speeds by the opposition and meets his last defender face to face. He feigns left and moves right, shaking Roberto Ayala for a split second, before firing the ball across the box into the far corner of the goal. After this one, well, Owen wasn’t such a secret anymore.

Pelé: Brazil vs Sweden, 1958

Forty years prior to Owen’s coming-of-age goal, Pelé announced himself to the world at the age of 17 with this impressive goal against Sweden in the World Cup final. Bringing down Nilton Santos’ cross with his chest, Pele flicks the ball over the defending Bengt Gustavsson before sending it past Karl Svensson with a low volley. The score of the match ended at 5-2 with Brazil victorious, giving them their first World Cup trophy — things were never the same.

Carlos Alberto: Brazil vs Italy, 1970

This time around Pelé wasn’t the scorer, but he did provide some help. The scene begins with Clodoaldo as he effortlessly maneuvers around four Italian players before passing the ball to Rivelino, who quickly finds Jairzinho downfield. Pelé fields a short pass from Jairzinho before delivering the ball to a Carlos Alberto, moving at full-speed, who rips the ball into the opposing goal. Already far ahead on the scoreboard, Brazil brings the trophy home once again.

Saeed Al-Owairan: Saudi Arabia vs Belgium, 1994

Saeed Al-Owairan went on a solo mission to score this goal in Saudi Arabia’s 1994 World Cup match against Belgium. In 2002, his goal received the sixth-most votes for FIFA World Cup Goal of the Century. Five minutes into the match, the midfielder received a pass and set off running. He kept running, shimmying past several players in the process, until finding the opportunity to send the ball zooming past Michel Preud’homme for the goal. Al-Owairan’s showmanship and efforts kept Saudi Arabia’s World Cup 1994 hopes alive, later dashed by Sweden in the Round of 16.

Roberto Baggio: Italy vs Czechoslovakia, 1990

Often touted as the “goal of the tournament,” Baggio’s goal against Czechoslovakia in 1990 is one to remember. Off a one-two with Giuseppe Giannini, Baggio dribbles the ball all the way to the penalty box, splitting much of the defense in the process. Feigning left and losing his final defender, Baggio zips the ball past the goalie from the direct center of the penalty area to score. The mullet and the missed penalty kick are equally memorable, unfortunately.

Gheorghe Hagi: Romania vs Colombia, 1994

Playing in Pasadena during 1994’s World Cup, Hagi received a short ground pass just past midfield. After a handful of short dribbles, he releases the ball with a long-distance lob. Colombian goalkeeper Oscar Cordoba leaps, hand stretched in the air, but there is little that he could do. The ball hits the back of the net. The Romanians celebrate as they continue on their path to the quarterfinals.

Esteban Cambiasso: Argentina vs Serbia and Montenegro, 2006

Argentina routed Serbia and Montenegro in their 6-0 victory during 2006’s World Cup, and the 24-pass series culminating in Cambiasso’s goal is the perfect summary. The Argentines casually passed the ball between themselves over the course of nearly 90 seconds before Cambiasso, 12 yards out, received the ball off a nice backheel and smashed it into the back of the net. The goal was a picture-perfect demonstration of Argentina’s style.

Arie Haan: Netherlands vs Italy, 1978

Arie Haan’s most famous goal was his 40-yard shot against Italy in the second group stage of 1978’s World Cup. Haan wound up and ignited a long-distance strike towards the Italian goal. Dino Zoff, the Italian goalkeeper, leapt and extended in an effort to stop the attempt but was unsuccessful as the ball bounced off the goalpost and ricocheted into the back of the net.

Chile's HidroAysén project shut down

Peter Hartmann, activist leader, standing above massive rapids. Photo: Bridget Besaw / iLCP

AFTER AN EIGHT-YEAR BATTLE between environmentalists and developers, the Chilean government has rejected the controversial hydroelectric project HidroAysén.

The $8 billion mega-dam project had initial permits approved in 2011, leading to the largest protests since the end of Chile’s military dictatorship. HidroAysén proposed building five dams along the country’s two largest rivers, Rios Baker and Pascua. This would have flooded 14,000 acres of pristine watershed, devastating local ecosystems (including habitat of the endangered Southern Huemul deer), as well as the area’s rapidly growing eco and adventure tourism industry, which is based on free-flowing rivers for whitewater paddling / rafting and fishing.

Patricio Rodrigo, executive secretary of the Patagonia Defense Council, called the decision “the greatest triumph of the environmental movement in Chile.”

In addition to the dam construction, the project also called for one of the longest clearcuts ever executed: a 1,200-mile swath for transmission lines to power mining operations north of Santiago. These lines would have traversed dozens of wilderness areas, including several protected areas and national parks across Patagonia.

So who’s bright idea was it to build these dams? HidroAysén is the brainchild of two of the largest energy companies in Chile: the Chilean Colbún and the Spanish- and Italian-owned Endesa. “Without HidroAysén, the country is starting to turn its back on hydroelectricity — the only real remedy to the continuing dependence on fossil fuels,” said Daniel Fernandez, the CEO of HidroAysén (who, in all of the emotion of losing project approval, probably forgot that just a few days prior, Chile inaugurated the largest solar project in all of Latin America, the Amanecer Solar power plant).

The Chilean government has set a target of producing 20% of the country’s electricity from renewable sources by 2025 (it is currently at about 6%). In addition to solar, geothermal plants are possible with the country’s large number of active volcanoes, as are experimental wave and tide projects along Chile’s long coastline.

HidroAysén can appeal the decision before an environmental court; analysts expect a long legal battle. But for now, thank you, Chile, for standing up to protect one of the world’s most pristine places.

The sun sets over Aysén, taking one last glimpse before nightfall. Photo: Jeff Foott / iLCP

Crossing the street in Saigon [vid]

If you’ve been to Ho Chi Minh City, you know that crossing the street is risky business. It’s a city that doesn’t pay a whole lot of attention to traffic laws, and there’s so much traffic that it rarely stops long enough for you to cross.

The solution? Cross anyway. As one resident told me, the rule is to first make sure there aren’t any trucks coming or anything that wouldn’t be able to swerve around you, and then, always keeping your eyes on the traffic, just walk out into it, keeping a slow and steady pace.

As long as you pay attention, the traffic — which mostly consists of small motorbikes anyway — will graciously swerve around you, and might not kill you right there in the middle of the street. It’s not remotely safe, but it does give Ho Chi Minh City the charming distinction of being the town where just crossing the street is an adventure.

How to piss off a New Mexican

Claim green chile as your own.

Nothing has united New Mexico so fully under a single banner as the Colorado-trying-to-steal-our-claim-to-green-chile scandal. Green chile is the state vegetable of New Mexico. It is actually called “New Mexican green chile.” New Mexico has a state question: “Red or green?” And that question is referring to your chile preference. And you think you might be able to say it doesn’t belong to us? Nice try. We have little else as our claim to fame, so we’ll fight for this one to the death.

Spell ‘chile’ wrong.

There is chili and then there is chile. Chili is that spicy(ish) mixture of meat and beans that goes great with cornbread. Chile is the delectable plant that defines New Mexican cuisine, and also happens to be the largest agricultural crop in the state. Confuse them and you’ll be sure to make a New Mexican twitch (and probably correct you).

Assume we’re not American.

New Mexico does happen to be one of the 50 states of America. Take a look at a map and try and pretend to be a bit more educated, please.

Say, “You’re from New Mexico? Your English is really good!”

See above. Just no.

Eat at Chipotle or Taco Bell.

If you’re in New Mexico, for the love of God, don’t eat this crap. You can get indigestion from these any day of the week in any other place in the country. Seriously, eat a freakin’ smothered burrito from a local joint while you’re here, will you? I could give you a hundred recommendations.

Refuse to try our green chile.

As you may have guessed by now, New Mexicans take their chile quite seriously. If you’re visiting the state, or have a New Mexican friend who wants to cook you one of their favorite meals from home, don’t be that person who just “doesn’t really like spicy food.” We’re not trying to shove it down your throat, we just want you to taste what goodness we enjoy every day.

Assume it’s all just like Phoenix here.

A lot of people seem to believe all of New Mexico is some vast, brown, blistering desert (no offense, Phoenix). But actually, the terrain varies greatly from one end of the state to another. Yes, there are areas of desert, but there are also millions of acres’ worth of national forests, and, being at the foothills of the Rocky Mountains, much of the northern half of the state happens to be mountainous. Don’t underestimate our geographic diversity.

Act like you know what it’s all about here because you’ve seen Breaking Bad.

No, I don’t know anyone who cooks meth. No, I’ve never seen a meth lab. And no, not all of my friends are just like Jesse Pinkman.

Assume we’re all from Albuquerque or Santa Fe.

I realize this happens with a lot of states. The biggest cities get all the love. But there are other cities with their own populations, and they deserve some awareness, too.

Ask us to say something in Spanish.

Or one of the eight Native American languages in the state, for that matter. Nobody likes feeling like an animal on exhibit. Just because someone is from New Mexico, and even if they can speak a language other than English, does not mean you can just command them to say some meaningless phrase in that language for your entertainment. 

This post originally appeared at NewsCastic and is republished here with permission.

19 signs you're from FL's Panhandle

Photo: Janine

1. You actually know which part of Florida the Panhandle is.

Hint: It’s the part touching Georgia and Alabama.

2. You’ve heard someone say, “If it’s called ‘tourist season,’ then why can’t we shoot them?”

Tourist season is basically all year. Spring break, summer tourists, then the snowbirds flock. They bring in lots of revenue, but they’re also really, really annoying.

3. You’re either a Gator or a Seminole. There are no in-betweens.

College football is a huge deal in the Panhandle. Family members won’t speak to one another if their team loses and the other’s wins. If you’re from the Panhandle, you probably bleed garnet and gold.

4. You know Florida gets cold.

We get frosts. We get below-freezing temperatures sometimes. It’s traumatic. Having to actually wear socks.

5. You’re a time traveler.

The Panhandle is split between two time zones: Eastern and Central. So you can celebrate New Year’s twice.

6. You hate BP but you love its dirty money.

Most of the Panhandle’s business is based around the Gulf of Mexico, and people mistreating our ocean are not our friends. But hey, thanks for the new garage.

7. You avoid Panama City Beach at all costs during March and April.

While the antics of your spring break are funny and entertaining for us locals, we mostly just want you to leave.

8. You can’t stand snowbirds either.

Please go the speed limit. Please stop telling me how charming my accent is. Please go back to the frozen north you came from.

9. You drink sweet tea every day.

With every meal. And when you go somewhere that doesn’t serve it, you’re appalled and confused. How can you not have sweet tea? What I am supposed to drink? WATER?

10. You have a grasp of basic manners.

We hold open doors. We wave. We’re friendly folks.

11. Until something pisses you off.

Ain’t nothing scarier than a pissed-off Southerner. We take things personally.

12. You know the horror of yellow flies.

If you have to ask…

13. You’ve attended more than a few hurricane parties.

Because what else are you going to do for the next few days besides get drunk and eat crap?

14. You don’t question the “beach time warp.”

Have I been here for ten minutes or ten days? I could check my skin, but it started burning as soon as I stepped out the door.

15. But you also know “the beach” isn’t the only source of water-themed fun.

Despite all of the wonderfulness the Gulf has to offer, you know that the springs, rivers, and lakes also make the Panhandle awesome.

16. You own more than 7 bathing suits.

It’s all about the water.

17. You understand Florida is a big state.

So you’re going to South Florida for some unknown reason? Enjoy your hot, humid, 6-hour drive. Going to the East Coast? Enjoy your 6-hour drive.

18. You take your seafood very seriously.

Apalachicola oysters and big Gulf of Mexico shrimp…know what I’m saying?

19. You’ll come back.

Sure you think you’ve moved away “for good” and to “see the world.” Good for you. See you soon because the Panhandle doesn’t let go easily.