Matador Network's Blog, page 2147

What to do in Vietnam in your 20s

Photo: Khánh Hmoong

1. Take a backroads motorbike trip.

When a tourist or expat tells you they took a motorbike trip up or down Vietnam, 99% of the time they’re talking about taking Highway 1 (sometimes referred to as AH1) along the coast. It’s the only major thruway connecting all the large cities, so it makes sense. But taking AH1 also means you’ll just be packaged like a sardine, staring at the glorious view you have of a semi’s backend the entire time.

There are backroads that meander all the way along the length of Vietnam too, and they’re way more precarious, deserted, challenging, and worthwhile. Trade that generic experience for ancient bridges made out of fallen logs, “toll booths” manned by seven-person villages, and muddy, dusty orange footpaths masquerading as “roads” on your atlas that even give your 1967 Honda a run for its money.

2. Then proceed to get lost…

Because you will. The back roads of Vietnam often wind serenely and severely along cliff faces and miles of farmed, hilly terraces, splitting into forks Rand McNally never thought would come in handy. You won’t realize you’re lost for a few hours, and by then it’ll be nightfall. But that’s okay — you’ll have just spent the afternoon driving through jungle, gazing upon untouched multi-million dollar views Rupert Murdoch would kill to own, and only passing the occasional monk in burnt orange robes.

3. …And sleep on a stranger’s floor.

Though getting lost was definitely worth it, you’ll eventually have to face nightfall and the fact that you’re in the middle of nowhere. You’ll also have to end up settling for the next “town” you come to and stopping every single person that’s out at night for directions. When you ask them, “Khách sạn ở đâu?” (Where is a hotel?), they’ll inevitably tell you there isn’t one anywhere nearby, but you’re more than welcome to sleep on their floor. Don’t be surprised when they spend minutes perfecting your pile of blankets, plastering you with hot tea, or when they wake you up in the morning with the scent of fresh hủ tiếu. If you leave in the morning without getting their phone number (unprompted, of course) and giving them your autograph, something went wrong.

4. Get drunk on a plastic stool surrounded by cockroaches.

If you’ve done basic research on Vietnam or even just scrolled through images on Google, you’re probably familiar with the scene: hoards of tourists, expats, and locals on red plastic, playset-like stools lining the edge of the road, throwing back beer after beer after beer. These are called bia hơis, and the beer served is cold, weak, and super cheap (just cents on the dollar).

You can get more recognizable beer, too, if you’d like. But whether you’re drinking Saigon Đỏ, ba-ba-ba, or the local water, consider yourself hazed. Let the young girls come around to ice your glass as the sweat drips from your forehead, and take bets on the cockroaches running around on your feet. Hint: always bet on the fattest one. Bonus points if you don’t jump as it wiggles across your toes.

And remember to cheer with at least one group of inebriated locals, “Một, hai, ba, yo!”

5. Talk to a Vietnam War veteran.

One of the first questions you’ll inevitably be asked when you’re in Vietnam is what nationality you are. If your answer is American, sometimes things will get a little weird. If a man with one eye smiles at your response, points at his non-eye, mock fires a gun with his hands, and says, “America!” know that you won’t be the first one this has happened to. It’ll be weird until he tops it off with “America, number one!” and then it’ll get weirder.

Take a moment to think about what this generation went through, what they saw, and the progress they’ve made since then. As you wander the hills, the tunnels, and the beaches, you may begin understanding why your parents freaked out when you said you were going here. But you know better now, and you know a different country.

6. Live like fucking royalty.

Sure, some of us 20-somethings are mega-millionaire entrepreneurs that sip champagne at weekly galas and dine with bigwigs in high rises on feasts of caviar and Lobster Thermidore, but the rest of us aren’t. If you hold down a job, do your own dishes, and buy your clothes from stores, know that a better world exists out there and it’s called Vietnam. Stay long enough to acquire an address, hire a maid for $50-100 a month, and get all your clothes made by a local tailor.

7. Go into the Mekong for a reality check.

In the big cities, you’re going to be bombarded with new money and capitalism, capitalism, capitalism. Vietnam is growing like a 12-year-old boy out of his Nikes, at least in urban areas. To get the whole picture, be sure to visit the outskirts of small delta towns like Sóc Trăng for a glimpse into the true hardships of the past.

You’ll be regaled with stories that will remind you of your grandfather’s — remember how he joked about walking nine miles in two feet of snow to school every day? Things like that are true in the Delta, but this time it’s nine miles in two feet of water. Some places have only had the privilege of electricity for months now, and modern technology is only just starting to rear its ugly-but-useful head. You’ll be in awe of those who grew up there, and it just may make you look at your bottle of water and air-conditioned bus a little differently.

8. Wear a Vietnamese “kiss” like a badge of honor.

Nope, that’s not a Vietnamese guy or girl’s tongue in your mouth. That’s the name for the resulting mark on your shin when you lean up against the scalding hot exhaust pipe of a motorbike. And with enough time, inevitably you’ll get one. It’ll be round and bluish-purple, and you’ll carry it around for years. All the cool kids do it. When your future children point to your leg and ask “What’s that funny mark on your leg?,” you’ll get to tell them, “Well, that one time back in ‘Nam…”

9. Get diarrhea.

This is just step one of the hazing process. You’ll be fine in a day or so.

10. Test the bounds of your appetite.

Vietnam cuisine is a mouthwatering fusion of French and Asian foods, but it’s also a great opportunity to knock back plenty of Fear Factor-esque foods from your to-eat list. Duck egg fetuses, fresh fish having the life fried out of them in front of your eyes, crickets, and dog meat are just four of the culinary options at your feet. How deep of an experience do you want?

11. Experience it now before it goes away.

A decade or so ago the country was overrun with bicycles and mom-and-pop phở stands, but that way of life is slowly getting replaced by cars and KFC. Starbucks and McDonald’s are now on the scene too, and bia hơis are losing out to showy beer clubs that come complete with bathrooms that double as vomitoriums. While vestiges of the culture will always remain and smaller towns are clinging tight, the experience you have pictured in your head is slowly becoming the stuff of a generation ago. If this country is on your bucket list, book those tickets as soon as you can. You’ll be glad you did.

You've been too long in the Outback

Photo: moviebuff5

1. You’re no longer surprised to find wildlife in your washing machine.

From green tree frogs to cane toads and even snakes — they can find their way into a washing machine and set up home until you open the lid. Finding a frog is surprising, but nothing compares to finding a snake hanging out in there. Lesson learned — don’t make the assumption that a snake could never get into a washing machine, despite what long-time locals tell you.

2. You believe a swim is as good as a shower.

When your day involves pumpkin picking in 40-degree heat, nothing beats a swim in the pool at the end of the day to cool off — which then turns into beers by the pool, dinner at the local pub, by which time a proper shower has been long forgotten.

3. You automatically check the toilet for frogs.

In addition to various wildlife found in the washing machine, green tree frogs will often make themselves at home in the toilet bowl. I had friends from the city visit me a year after I moved to the Outback. I’ll never forget the look of fear on their faces when I told them to make sure they checked before sitting down. They went to the toilet in pairs for their entire visit.

4.You don’t expect cold water to actually be cold.

When I first moved here, I’d turn the cold tap on and wait. And wait. The water is never cold up here. It’s closer to lukewarm, which isn’t surprising considering the temperature can still hover around 30 degrees Celsius at midnight.

5. You reach for your jacket when the weather drops below 25.

Moving from Canada back to Australia I thought I’d never feel cold again. When I then got a job in the Outback, naturally I didn’t bring anything but summer clothes. Stupid mistake. Temperature is relative — when it’s been 40 degrees for 2 weeks, 25 feels positively freezing.

6. You don’t flinch at a $20 cocktail.

The Outback is by definition the most remote part of the country, meaning freight is expensive. Which in turn makes everything you buy, really expensive. On a recent trip to Sydney, I went out with a friend for drinks. When the cocktail list came around, the prices varied from $20 to $30. While my friend complained about how expensive Sydney is, I felt right at home.

7. You only know two seasons: wet and dry.

The seasons don’t vary much here. It’s either hot, dry, and dusty or hot, wet, and humid. Then there is the torturous buildup which precedes the wet — when temperatures hover in the high 30s to low 40s, the humidity sits somewhere between 80 and 90%, and the promise of a thunderstorm to cool everything down is months away.

8. You constantly smell like a combination of sweat, bug spray, and sunscreen.

Wearing perfume is futile. Once you’ve been outside for more than 10 minutes your fragrance has been diluted by sweat. Never mind that it’s competing with the sunscreen you slathered on before stepping outside, and the bug spray that’s necessary unless you want to be feasted on by march flies, mosquitoes, and sandflies.

9. You’ve become used to not having too many options.

When there are only two supermarkets, two pubs, and five restaurants around, you’re not exactly spoilt for choice. Deciding where to do your grocery shopping? Coles or Tuckerbox. Deciding where to go for a drink on Friday night? The Hotel or The Tavern. When you find yourself in a city being overwhelmed with joy at the sight of McDonald’s, it could be a sign it’s time to move on.

8 songs to help with the transitions in your life [playlist]

Photo: ARDE mag

I’ve struggled with transition since I was five-years old, when I had to leave the protective nest of home to travel one mile to kindergarten. To me, the journey was huge.

TRANSITIONS by Matador Network by Matador on Grooveshark

In the past few months, my travels and leaps have been larger. This fall, I drove across the country, from a sublet in Oakland to my boyfriend’s house in West Philly.

The destination? A life of stability and permanence — 9-5 job, live-in partnership, and all of it just two and a half hours from my home town. I left the beach and artisan comfort food for a steady paycheck, seasons and, of course, a much stronger relationship.

But still, change isn’t easy. It’s hard to square things when literally every aspect of my life is different now than it was six months ago, so I’ve made a special playlist to help myself land. It’s not universal by any means. These are songs that are personally important. My playlists are like little autobiographies. My hope is that this list can lend you some resilience as you come down from travel, relationship fluctuations, or those stubborn unchangeable facts of life.

CHVRCHES — “Recover”

I think I subconsciously fell in love with this band because their electro-pop reminded me so much of desert sojourns I’ve taken to Southern California. To my surprise, they hail from Scotland. Proves how much I like to project.

Transitions are sticky; you’ll need a jam like this to jumpstart things a bit.

Fakuta — “Guerra con las Cosas”

This Chilean pop princess is destroying it in the Southern Cone. Every time I turn around she’s doing a new radio performance, releasing a much-hyped music video or winning a prize for amazing songwriting. The song title refers to feeling at war with everything, a common sentiment during those messy first months of a major change.

Beyoncé — “7/11″

This song is medicine. Thought up in some bruja’s dream in New Orleans, passed down in the prayers and candles Bey’s grandmothers lit, filtered through Houston heat, and delivered neatly to an iPod near you. Delivered in the vernacular of Beyoncé flow, written in the spirit of pure play. I can’t even tell you how often this track has ended a lover’s quarrel or just made me feel a bit lighter.

A Tribe Called Red — “Burn Your Village to the Ground”

I was so stoked when A Tribe Called Red released this track around Thanksgiving. This native DJ group mixes the painful with the ironic — like making music about the historical traumas of indigenous people while sporting Redskins jerseys.

In this cut, they sample Wednesday’s monologue from the 1990s Addams Family movie. In her summer camp Thanksgiving play, she makes fun of post-Reagan wasp culture — “My people will have pain and degradation, your people with have stick-shifts!” She tells horrified parents, “The Gods of my tribe have spoken. They have said do not trust the pilgrims. And for all these reasons, I’ve decided to scalp you, and burn your village to the ground.”

Jolie Holland — “Mexico City”

Let’s dial it back a little with some sadness, shall we? Jolie Holland is a musician’s musician. She crafts slow-creeping songs that require a few listens before you fully receive their grandeur. Her songs tell big stories but never come right out and explain anything. Instead, you feel the addiction, self-deception and boozy summer nights that form the psychic backdrop of her writing.

“I’m just back from Mexico City,” she croons, almost conversational. “I came back north to Texas, to rest my weary head.” It’s a song crafted in transition, about sweet in-between spaces.

Kendrick Lamar — “Bitch Don’t Kill My Vibe”

Beautifully produced, West Coast hip hop. “I can feel the changes,” could serve as the beginning of a non-judgmental life mantra.

Javiera Mena — “La Joya”

Another Chilean, 1980s-inspired pop artist, because I just can’t stop. Javiera Mena is one of the only openly queer artists in Latin pop, and her bravery in coming out in the last few years will surely pave the way for others.

Joni Mitchell — “Down to You”

One of this master composer’s greatest musical works, IMHO. From the rise and fall of her piano, to the lyrics, “Everything comes and goes/ like my lovers and styles of clothes,” it’s a song that creates a lovely symmetry. I wanted to end this list on a reflective note, to remind you that it won’t always be easy, but it is of course, down to you.

Epic Alaska freeskiing video

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TEARING IT UP in the male-dominated world of big mountain skiing, Angel Collinson takes on some of the world’s biggest slopes in this epic Alaska segment of Almost Ablaze.

The first women to ever open a TGR ski film, Collinson makes black runs the world over look puny as she pushes the edge of freeskiing in the steeps of Juneau. No wonder she was made a finalist at the Banff Mountain Film Festival and nominated for Best Female Performance at this year’s Powder Awards.

To cut straight to the action, start at about 02:45. But trust us, you’re going to want to watch the whole thing.

Mexican 'mota' market collapses

Photo: mookielove

As President Barack Obama trumpets that the United States economy is back on track, industry groups are shouting over who’s growing faster.

The accounting sector boasted 2014 growth of 11 percent, computer systems of 14 percent, and real estate of a whopping 23 percent, says financial information group Sageworks.

However, one industry may have beaten those hands down: legal marijuana.

According to a new report by The ArcView Group, a cannabis industry investment and research firm based in California, legal marijuana sales rocketed 74 percent in 2014 to a new high of $2.7 billion. And with more states legalizing weed — Alaska, Oregon and Washington, DC, voted to join the legal stoners in November — it predicts this growth pace could continue for several more years straight.

However, winners in some places often mean losers in others. And the losers appear to be south of the Rio Grande: Mexican marijuana growers, who’ve provided the lion’s share of cannabis for American smokers for decades.

In 2014, the US Border Patrol saw a plunge in seizures of pot heading northward. Its agents nabbed 1.9 million pounds of ganja, a 24 percent reduction compared with the 2.5 million seized in 2011 — before Colorado and Washington State first voted to legalize recreational marijuana.

Capturing less drugs doesn’t necessarily mean less drugs are coming over. Agents could be working less or focusing more on other problems. Yet one sign they are as vigilant as ever is that they made increased seizures of some other drugs, especially crystal meth, which was busted in record quantities.

Mexican security forces have also noted a dive in marijuana production. In the most recent figures released in September, the Mexican government said that it had seized 971 metric tons (1,070 US tons) of cannabis inside Mexico in 2013, the lowest amount since 2000.

View image | gettyimages.com

“In the long run, it looks like the US market for illegal Mexican marijuana will keep shrinking,” says Alejandro Hope, a drug expert in Mexico. “The logic of the legal marijuana market is that it will force prices down. This would take out the big profits from the illegal market. A good way to make some money could be to short the prices of marijuana.”

As well as price problems, Mexican producers also have to compete with quality.

The legal US suppliers focus on high-grade weed, selling brands with glamorous names like “Skunk Red Hair,” “Sky Dog” and “Super Haze” in the S section of the shelves, to “Hypno,” “Hindu Kush” and “Himalayan Gold” if you look under H.

They are often labeled with their exact amount of THC, the ingredient that gets you intoxicated. They are also graded for their mix of indica, the strain that makes users stoned in a more knockout way, and sativa, which hits people in a more psychedelic way.

On the other hand, Mexican marijuana, known here as “mota,” is a mass-produced lower-grade crop, grown mostly outdoors in the mountains. It doesn’t have a fancy brand name, or tell you how spaced out or sleepy you will feel; it will just get you wasted.

Hitting the cartels

When advocates campaigned to legalize weed in Colorado and Washington states in 2012, they argued it was better to take the cash away from Mexican cartels and put it into taxes.

Former President Vicente Fox also made this case after leaving office when he visited a university in Boulder, Colo., in 2011.

“The drug consumer in the US yields billions of dollars, money that goes back to Mexico to bribe police and money that buys guns,” Fox said. “So when you question yourselves [sic] about what is going on in Mexico, it depends very much on what happens in this nation.”

If Mexican marijuana is now sinking, it could indeed be reducing cartels’ budgets to commit mass murder. Mexico’s total homicides have gone down during the time that some US states legalized grass. Killings reached a peak in 2011 of 22,852, and then dropped to 15,649 last year, according to the Mexican government’s numbers.

However, other aspects could have played a role, too. Among them are the capture or killing of some of the most brutal drug lords, including Heriberto “The Executioner” Lazcano, the head of the Zetas cartel whom Mexican marines gunned down in 2012.

Mexican gangs also have a range of other businesses. Not only do they traffic crystal meth, heroin and cocaine, they have also diversified into crimes from sex trafficking to illegal iron mining.

Mexican meth and heroin appear to have gone up as marijuana has dropped — at least, if narcotics seizures are the gauge. Last year, the US seized a record 34,840 pounds of methamphetamine at the Mexican border.

Still, longtime experts in illegal markets say there may not be any correlation between the hikes in some drugs and dives in others.

“There are lots of variables at play here, complicated factors of both demand and supply that create the markets in these drugs,” says Sanho Tree, director of the Drug Policy Project at Washington’s Institute of Policy Studies.

“One reason for the rise in heroin use is that many doctors have over-prescribed opiate drugs to patients,” he adds, referring to legal pain treatments. “The patients have got hooked and have later turned to the illegal heroin.”

But there’s another factor that could seriously affect marijuana market trends: Mexico could itself legalize it. In 2009, the country decriminalized the possession of small amounts of drugs, including marijuana. And citizens here as elsewhere were amazed when Uruguay became the first entire country to legalize weed in 2013.

Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto has spoken against legalization but says he’s open to debate.

Former President Fox is an advocate and even said he would like to team up with an American entrepreneur to import it to the United States.

If Mexico did legalize the plant, its cheaper labor costs could give it an edge over US producers. And while some consumers could want the higher-grade California strains, others could still choose the cheapest price.

“Cannabis is not unlike wine,” Tree says. “I can buy a $200 bottle of wine, if that is what I am after. But many people will prefer the cheaper, mass-market product. And if all the prohibition factors are taken out, then marijuana is really just an herb that can be produced very cheaply.”

By Ioan Grillo, GlobalPost

This article is syndicated from GlobalPost.

If Americans lived like Swedes

Does the average Swede live a better, more comfortable life an upper-class American? No doubt.

This is what The Swedish Part Model (a collaboration between trade unions and employers) is demonstrating with a good dose of humour in this video. The purpose is not to make other nations realize how bad they have it (even though it’s pretty obvious), but to make the Swedes appreciate how well their social model funcions and how hard their unions work at it.

Six-month paternity leave? Personal trainer paid for by your work allowance as a preventive healcare measure? Six weeks of holidays per year? If “like a swede” was a real trend, I wish it would overtake the world.

Habits I lost moving to Australia

Photo: W3155Y

1. Using a clothes dryer

Yes, it helps that it’s pretty much sunny and hot every day in Australia’s Gold Coast, but rarely did I use a dryer for my clothes while living there. We hung our clothes out to dry on these convenient foldaway clothes hangers instead. The few times it did rain, we would simply move them indoors to dry. In America, I can count on one hand the number of times I hung my clothes to dry outside in the summer versus tossing them in the dryer.

2. Drinking bottled water

Really, what is the point? If you live in a developed country with clean drinking water, why are we too good to drink from the tap? It saves money and the environment. I and many of my Australian friends kept a large jug of tap water in our refrigerators. As an environmentally conscious country, it made sense to take advantage of the fact that you live in a place with clean drinking water and to carry your own, reusable water bottle with you.

3. Disregarding loose change

Oh, do the coins add up in Australia. Since $5 is the smallest paper bill, your loose change is overwhelmingly $1 and $2 dollar coins. That pile of little golden nuggets adds up to a case of beer in just a few short weeks of saving. In the States, we literally throw pennies away because they are worth so little. (Side note — why do we still have pennies? Every price in Australia was rounded, thus eliminating pennies.)

More like this 10 Signs you learned to drink in Australia


4. Never carrying cash

I can’t think of one place outside of the occasional mom-and-pop stores that don’t accept credit or debit cards in the States. I never carried cash in America. In Australia, many places were cash-only, or would have a $10 minimum on credit or debit. At the pub, it was more troublesome for bartenders to run a card versus take cash and move on to the next customer. Although inconvenient if you want to make a quick purchase and have no cash on you, you form a habit of always stopping by the ATM before $3 beers on Sundays at Waxy’s Irish Pub. This is where I used the majority of my coins.

5. Splitting bills at restaurants

Not an option. You will simply be told no. If you need to figure out who spent how much on what meal, then it’s on your time, not the server’s. They aren’t working for tips (see #6), so don’t expect them to spend time organizing your bill for you. When I went out to dinner with a big group of friends to celebrate a birthday, the expectation was to bring cash to cover your portion of the bill.

6. Working for tips

I know this had been reiterated to Americans hundreds of times, but tipping isn’t standard or expected in Australia. As a waitress, this changed a lot of habits for me. In the States, customers expect you to anticipate their every need, and for the most part, kiss their ass. I quickly discovered working in a restaurant in Surfers Paradise that customers don’t want you constantly checking on them and topping off their drinks — they get quite annoyed. You aren’t an important part of their dining experience so unless they’re asking for something, leave them alone.

7. Ordering sugary and complicated cocktails or shots

Americans always want their Girl Scout Cookies, Sex on the Beach, Buttery Nipples, Vegas Bombs, and all the other ridiculously fruity and sugary shots and cocktails to cover up the taste of alcohol. But once again, bartenders aren’t working for your tip — so don’t waste their time on a complicated shot at a busy bar when they have 15 other drunk people waiting to be served a beer. Order a cranberry vodka and call it a day. Australians spend such little time mixing drinks that they actually sell pre-bottled Jack Daniels and cokes called “stubbies.”

8. Getting frustrated with customers with heavy accents

Americans consider it inconvenient when someone doesn’t speak decent English very well in customer service situations. In Australia, if I were to voice my annoyance about struggling to understand a patron with a heavy accent, it was considered rude and judgmental. I quickly learned to listen better and try to help in any way I could instead of giving attitude.

9. Expecting free and unlimited Wi-Fi

It is not normal in other countries to have free and unlimited Wi-Fi all the time, even in your own home. It requires a data package just like a cell phone plan — so cut back that phone (and Netflix!) time. Starbucks is one of my favorite places to order a coffee, hunker down, and spend hours blogging and reflecting; however, I soon learned that in order to connect to their Wi-Fi, you had to order a drink and receive a passcode on your receipt – that had a 30-minute time limit. Want 30 more minutes? Order another drink.

10. Expecting the air conditioning on full blast at all times

It’s hot in Australia. But that doesn’t mean the air-con is on. Restaurants, malls, offices, and hotels adjusted temperatures so they were comfortable, not cold. Our apartment had one small air conditioning unit we used only on the really hot days — as in topping 100-degrees Fahrenheit. You learn to live in the heat.

11. Freaking out about cockroaches

It’s gross, I know, but cockroaches are part of everyday life in Australia. It’s a common part of your side work i a restaurant to check for cockroaches under the salt and pepper shakers. They’re EVERYWHERE.

12. Brewing fresh coffee in the morning

Unless you have a fancy espresso machine that steams milk for your lattes, bring on the freeze-dried coffee. This was in every house and every apartment I visited in Australia. Boil some water, mix in the freeze-dried coffee grounds with a spoon, and — boom! — instant coffee.

13. Expecting a staggering variety of fast-food restaurants

Have a brutal hangover and craving fast food? Grab some McDonald’s, Burger King, or KFC. Those are pretty much your only fast-food choices in Australia. Because there is less fast food, the majority of restaurants are serving healthier and higher quality food, so it isn’t cheaper to eat out versus cooking at home. Quick, cheap, and easy becomes throwing something together in your kitchen, not passing a drive through.

14. Thinking the rest of the world cares about the NFL and religiously watching games

The New England Patriots are the 2015 World Champions! Yet nobody else in the world really cares. Yes, there are one or two games played in London, but the NFL is an American thing. In fact, Australians consider it a pretty weak sport compared to rugby, where they forego the padding and helmets.

15. Looking left when crossing the street

I’m telling you, this is the hardest habit to break. You don’t even realize you do it until you go to cross the street and almost get nailed by a car to your right. For the most part I ended up looking in every direction about three times before crossing the street just to make sure. It scares the crap out of you at first and you feel like an idiot.

How well do you know Canadian slang?

Featured photo by Trevor Leyenhorst

13 things your Mexican grandma says

Photo: Rantes Aguirre

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1. Your grandma says “¡Ave María Purísima!”

Literal translation: “Hail purest Mary!”

To express surprise or shock about something. She’ll pick a main character for this expression from the whole Catholic saint dynasty, according to her personal preferences and the intensity of the surprise. She’ll usually cross herself during the exclamation to add a touch of drama. Youngsters have substituted this expression with the more profane “Ay güey!”…and they no longer cross themselves.

2. Your grandma says “Viejas argüenderas”

Literal translation: “Those old gossipers”

To refer to that group of friends with whom she gathers for gossiping purposes. Of course, her participation in such necessities is merely circumstantial…she is just a victim among those evil doers.

3. Your grandma says “Condenados marihuanos”

Literal translation: “Damned potheads”

To inform you about a group of youngsters who spend their time loitering around her place and whose sense of fashion clearly disturbs her. Slackers with inappropriate garments, like trousers that seem too tight or too loose, piercings or any visible tattoos, can’t be anything but marihuanos. You might think that your abue doesn’t have a clue about drugs or anything of the sort; however, those strange herbs she keeps in alcohol to cure herself from rheumatic pains are not exactly coriander. Where does she actually get that stuff?

4. Your grandma says “Si dios nos da licencia”

Literal translation: “If God gives us the opportunity”

She loves to use this ominous sentence whenever she talks about future plans. Notice that the phrase is cleverly expressed in plural. Just a reminder that you’re not getting any younger either.

5. Your grandma says “El chiflón”

Literal translation: “The one who whistles”

To refer to any wind current that could cause you some nuisance. For example, leaving the house immediately after having a big meal can crook your mouth if you encounter el chiflón in your way. Sometimes, these evil winds stay inside someone’s body and the only logical solution is to make a cone out of today’s newspaper, put it in the patient’s ear and — of course — set it on fire. Alternative medicine at its best!

6. Your grandma says “¿Ya andas tomando vino?”

Literal translation: “Drinking wine already?”

This is the usual question your abue will use to find out if you’re developing a habit for alcoholic beverages. She doesn’t give a damn about the different types of alcohol. From beer to absynth…everything is the same and will be referred to as wine.

7. Your grandma says “Debe ser por la Canícula”

Literal translation: “Blame it on the dog days”

To explain any kind of disgrace or misfortune that occurs during the hot months of the year. Of course, excessive heat can cause a lot of trouble, but blaming everything on a heat wave is just too much. The pain on her knees, blame it on la Canícula!, and that ugly spider that walked into her house the other day, yep, La Canícula’s fault as well.

8. Your grandma says “Jaletina”

No literal translation for this one…sorry.

Whenever she refers to gelatina (jello). And according to the Royal Spanish Academy…she’s not mistaken!

9. Your grandma says “Ya es la hora de mi comedia”

Literal translation: “Time to watch my comedy”

To inform you her favorite telenovela is about to start and that she doesn’t want to be bothered. If you decide to stay and share the moment with her, she’ll give you a quick briefing of every character and plot twist you need to be aware of in order to understand the current chapter. She’ll also start complaining about how illogical these stories are getting nowadays and she’ll swear that this is the last telenovela she follows in her life. A word of caution: watching the telenovela with your abue once can easily turn into watching the telenovela with your abue forever…and no, this is not the last one she’s gonna follow.

10. Your grandma says “Se te va a derramar la bilis”

Literal translation: “Your bile is gonna spill”

Meaning you should stop your tantrum right away. Calm down hombre!

11. Your grandma says “Ese niño está espantado”

Literal translation: “That boy is frightened”

A scared or frightened child is not the one who just saw a marathon of japanese horror movies on the TV. Being scared means being ill, and grandmas love to cure children from espanto. For such occasions, they keep a drawer full of strange ointments that must be applied in the correct parts of the body while repeating some prayers. The details of the ritual can vary, but children normally go from frightened to full panic due to the process. Wanna convince your abue that there’s no such thing as being scared? Good luck with that!

12. Your grandma says “Ponte unos chiqueadores”

Literal translation: “Put on some chiqueadores”

To put on what?!? Chiqueadores are the perfect solution for your bad mood, stress or to get rid of that recurring headache. This strangely named cure consists of pieces of plants — commonly sabila or tobacco — which you must put on your temples. They’re commonly fixed by a bandanna or paliacate, and they really work!

13. Your grandma says “Ya se soltó la tromba”

Literal translation: “The deluge has been unleashed”

So you better stop wasting your time on the internet and go grab the laundry before the rain gets it all soaking wet.

6 French habits I lost in Canada

Photo: Adam Nowek

1. I stopped worrying about my looks.

The feeling that I need to look like I’m going to a job interview every time I leave the house is no longer. I only realized that Canada had a serious influence on the importance I put on my appearance when, on vacation in France, my mom threw away a pair of shoes because, to her, they looked like “they belong[ed] in the garbage.”

They were not brand new, but to my newly-acquired standards, they looked just fine. Never in France would I have left the house with a pair of hiking boots to go grocery shopping, put on my toque to cover a mess of tangles, or sport my yoga wear to have coffee with a friend. Instead, I would have put on some clean pumps, washed and blow-dried my hair, and changed into a “proper” pair of pants.

I’m not saying that Canadians don’t look good or make no efforts to do so, but because they are a very down-to-earth bunch, they just don’t seem to care as much. They know when looking elegant is a necessity and when one should just be practical, which is most of the time. In all fairness, shovelling snow in your heels before going to work, or spending hours doing your hair when you’re going to cover it up with a woolen hat all day, is ridiculous.

2. I stopped disobeying.

The first time I came to Canada, while on a walk around Nelson, BC, I tried to cross a street at a red light, but my partner held me back and said: “We need to wait. You’re not in lawless France any longer.”

Even though his comment was meant as a joke, it resonated with me and the habits of my compatriots. In France, we do tend to do whatever we want, whenever we want, breaking the rules if the consequences are limited. We park poorly halfway on the sidewalk and run out of our car to get some bread at the bakery, we smoke on the train station’s platform, and we never pick up our dog’s poop.

At first, I was baffled when someone would refuse to pull onto the side of the road to enjoy the view for a few minutes because it was “not allowed.” Who cares if it was not allowed? Well, apparently Canadians care. A lot. And because I don’t want to look like a wild French woman, I just started to care too. Also, I must admit, it makes living together a lot easier.

3. I stopped taking medical care for granted.

Those who praise Canada for its brilliant medical coverage have never been to France. I never thought it would be that expensive to have your teeth cleaned or get your eyesight checked. Are your teeth and your eyes less important than the rest of your body? In Canada, apparently so.

Let’s not mention how much one needs to pay to visit to the doctor without a care card (about $100 for a five-minute consultation).

I have even gone as far as waiting for a trip to France, where I am not covered for any medical care any longer, to have one of my teeth fixed ($58, please) and get a pair of brand new glasses ($55).

4. I stopped laughing at the French Canadian accent.

That’s just how I speak now.

Like the British one for English speakers, this accent is contagious. If you hang out with French Canadians long enough, you’ll quickly find yourself saying “tiguidou” and “J’suis tannée” to your wide-eyed parents.

5. I stopped using a cell phone.

Canadian cell phone plans are unbelievably pricey compared to what we pay in France (or anywhere else in Western Europe). I’m aware that cell coverage in a country that is 15 times larger than France is not an easy task, but I am still not ready to spend $80 or more a month on a cell phone bill when I can use my landline and call anywhere in the world for half the price. To be honest, it’s also a good excuse to not be constantly connected.

6. I stopped shopping for expensive clothes.

Before my big move, I had never been in a thrift store. I had spent the first 23 years of my life buying all my clothes brand new and at full price. It’s not that French people resent buying second-hand clothes, it’s just that thrift stores are not a common sight over there. In Canada, however, they are everywhere and their abundance completely turned my shopping habits around. Canadians love their thrift stores and I guess I’m becoming one of them, because I ditched my old habits for this greener and cheaper alternative rather quickly.