Matador Network's Blog, page 2142

Ticos could learn from the Chinese

Photo: Jonathan Kos-Read

1. Old age doesn’t have to mean less energy.

Exercise is very common among the Chinese elderly. Whether early in the morning or late at night, old women and men run, dance, do tai chi, or play hacky sack outside — anywhere. They don’t need a gym, an iPod, or a special trainer. I even dare to say that I’ve seen more people of age than young ones sweating it off. Maybe this is their secret to an increasing life span?

So tell your Tico grandpa and grandma (or your parents, or yourself) to be more like the Chinese the next time there are complaints about having to walk to the grocery store on the corner.

2. The wisdom of traditional medicine.

I’ve heard of Ticos going to their clinics at work and being prescribed a shot of dexamethasone just because they have a cold. Other Ticos take strong pills for backaches that stem from the fact that they are stressed or just need a bit of exercise. Ticos value time so much, yet we don’t ever seem to have time to get better.

Traditional Chinese Medicine practices, using Chinese herbs and acupuncture, look at the patient in a more holistic way, treating not only the disease but the underlying cause of it. Many Ticos reach for pharmaceuticals with side effects that might cause more damage than good to our bodies. So next time you catch a cold, Ticos, skip the pharmaceuticals and look into taking some natural herbs.

3. Have a good understanding and appreciation for our culture.

The Chinese are very knowledgeable about their customs and traditions. Many can recite famous poems or share old legends. Identifying with your culture keeps it alive. Even though Costa Rica is a small country, we have a lot to rescue from globalization’s brushfire.

Can us Ticos mention at least 3 Costa Rican painters? Writers? Can we name all the aboriginal groups living in our country? Are we familiar with their traditions? Sadly, most of us are more ignorant than the average Chinese person when it comes to local culture.

4. Appreciate the freedoms that you now have.

China’s political system doesn’t allow for its citizens to exercise many of the rights us Ticos take for granted, like freedom of association or demonstration. In Costa Rica we can still openly challenge political views. It’s sometimes sad to see some Ticos shouting not very nice things at demonstrators, not even knowing why they are out on the streets in the first place, but every Tico can exercise their right to protest.

Another right we can enjoy is freedom of speech, and we can use the powerful tools of social media without been prosecuted. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, and many other platforms are banned in China — so enjoy what you have easy access to, Costa Rica!

5. Fresh, clean air.

China has some of the most polluted cities worldwide. You might be familiar with the apocalyptic image of people wearing face masks — the Chinese would love to have the air we have in Costa Rica! In Costa Rica, whether you are in the jungle, at the beach, or in the middle of bustling San Jose, you can still open the window and take a deep breath without worrying about the 2.5 PM. So go on, Ticos, breathe your O2 and appreciate how clean our air is here!

12 people you'll meet at Sun Valley

Photo courtesy of Sun Valley Resort

1. The Adventure All-Star

Sun Valley is home base for some of the most hard-core adventurers on the planet. From National Geographic cinematographers to mountain climbers, kayakers, endurance athletes, expedition guides, documentary filmmakers, conservationists, and conflict photographers, the list of Adventure All-Stars is a long one. These people are the true Sun Valley celebrities, and their occasional slideshows or film presentations — usually produced pro bono to benefit one charitable organization or another — routinely fill local theaters. At times animated storytellers, at others quiet with a far-off look in their eyes, the Adventure All-Stars travel all over the world but come home to Sun Valley because of the community here, and the support that community offers.

2. The White Buffalo

Ski legends never die, and there are quite a few legends still skiing Sun Valley. If you’re lucky enough to spot one of these ski heroes, you’ll know it from the flowing long white hair that never sees a hat or helmet no matter how cold it is. An old pair of glacier glasses, long poles, and some narrow skis they designed themselves will help you identify them in the lift line. On the slopes, all you’ll see is a shadow of white stampeding down the bumps under the lift, a huge smile on their face. These are the guys who made Sun Valley cool; make sure you give them a hoot from the chair.

3. The Wall Street Refugee

Burned out by the rat race, the Wall Street Refugee often arrives toting a young family, chasing the dream of small-town mountain life. Their chic city outfits of mostly black stick out amidst the sea of plaid, as do their substandard abilities and enthusiastic attitudes on skis and boards (and road bikes, in season). Always in danger of applying their big-city standards and type-A personalities to their new small-town life, the upside is they keep the local galleries and theaters well supported.

4. The Skittle Thugs

Photo: Marcus Hansson

Easily spotted in their bright orange, pink, and yellow helmets, these pint-size rippers descend on the mountain and terrain park every weekend. Skiing in packs at breakneck speeds, hopped up on pizza and candy, the Skittle Thugs aren’t to be trifled with. Keep your eye out for them flying through the air around snow guns and huddled around Irving’s hot dog stand at the base of Warm Springs.

5. The 55-year-old who’s way fitter than you

They start their day with a casual hike up Bald Mountain’s 3,400 vertical feet to watch the sunrise, followed by a dozen or so laps in Sun Valley’s quad-torching bowls, another dozen on Warm Springs, a quick trip to the gym for a two-hour workout, and then swimming a couple miles in the pool. If they can squeeze in 20 or so kilometers of cross-country before dark, they’ll consider it a good day. It can be difficult to get a good look at the 55-and-fitter-than-you crowd, but trust me — here in Sun Valley, 60 is the new 30.

6. The Local Olympian

Photo courtesy of Sun Valley

Like the Adventure All-Stars, these are the real Sun Valley celebrities. There are 56 Olympians that call Bald Mountain home, and while some are higher profile than others, their impact on Sun Valley is a substantial one. This is currently the official Olympic Training Site for Nordic skiing, after all, and international teams from countries like Norway and Sweden come here to train. It’s not uncommon to see US Ski Team gear on the slopes and trails of Sun Valley.

7. The Celebrity A-lister at the table next to you

An old Bald Mountain standby, the A-lister has always been attracted to Sun Valley. Movie stars, politicians, and celebrities of all types have been coming here since Averell Harriman first started offering free trips to Hollywood stars in the ’30s. If you see an A-lister in the Warm Springs Lodge or at the Pioneer Saloon, do them and the rest of us a favor and keep your cellphones and selfie-sticks in your pockets. There’s a long-standing Sun Valley ethos of ignoring or, if you must, politely acknowledging these A-listers. They’re here for the same reason we all are, to play in the mountains; playing paparazzi is probably the least cool thing you can do.

8. The Blue-Collar Ripper

Their gloves are covered in duct tape. Their camo jackets are the same ones they use in hunting season. Their pants are covered with dirt and grime from their construction gigs. Their goggles are years old, along with their skis and boots. But when you see these guys on the hill, they’re absolutely ripping. No frills or fancy tricks, just high-speed, non-stop shredding in any type of snow conditions.

9. The Powder-Stache

Photo courtesy of Sun Valley Resort

This devoted local character can be fairly elusive and difficult to follow. Relying on their intimate knowledge of every nook and cranny on the mountain, they’re somehow able to find powder turns even if it hasn’t snowed for weeks. The only real telltale sign of the Powder-Stache are the bushy caterpillars they keep above their upper lips, forever caked in snow.

10. Employees of the proverbial Playtex Corporation

A bit of an enigma, employees of the Playtex Corporation flutter in and out of Sun Valley constantly. Intentionally vague about what they actually “do,” they always seem to be going someplace exotic or just getting back into town. You’ll find these masters of the leisure lifestyle at the Zenergy Spa, having lunch at upscale restaurants like Cristina’s, sipping lattes at Velocio, or working out and hardly breaking a sweat with their personal trainers.

11. The Baldy Blur

Sun Valley’s Bald Mountain is built for speed, and you’ll find no shortage of fast skiers tearing down runs like Warm Springs, Canyon, and Mid-River on any given day. Truth is, you never really get a good look at the Baldy Blur. The side-by-side train-track trenches their skis leave in the snow is the main evidence of their existence, along with a flash of their mirrored goggle lenses and the back of their helmet.

12. The Perma-Grin Local

Photo courtesy of Sun Valley Resort

This group represents the majority of people you’ll meet in Sun Valley. They come from all walks of life, each with their own story of how they ended up here and what they do in order to stay. They’re the chefs, bartenders and waitresses, lift operators, ski and yoga instructors, and everyone else who works to live here and preferably keeps their days free so they can ski or ride as much of their waking lives as possible. You’ll recognize them by their wide smiles, goggle tans, and that sparkle in their eyes. They’re living the dream; their life is your vacation.

This post is proudly produced in partnership with our friends at Sun Valley Resort.

Epic canyoneering in Spain, Portugal

Editor’s note: As a lifelong kayaker, I’ve often said that paddling is all about getting access to places you couldn’t reach otherwise: deep box canyons, a single peaceful eddy in the middle of a turbulent boulder garden, remote stretches of river, views from the lip of a waterfall.

A few years ago, however, while in Patagonia, I tried canyoning or “canyoneering” and realized that this was yet another — perhaps even more accessible way. Canyoning is essentially traversing a river canyon or steep creek minus a kayak. Teams use a mix of climbing techniques and equipment, then swim, climb, rappel, scramble, and sometimes jump to descend the terrain. Over the last year, MatadorU alumnus and full-time photographer Rui Romao has traveled to epic gorges in Spain and his native Portugal to bring these 12 views into canyons that few people ever get to see.




1

In this section of the River Lordelo, Server do Vouga, Portugal, our group slows down to deal with a series of rappels. This was a good opportunity for me to climb to a point of view where I could take a wider photo, showing the scale of the terrain. In canyoning, you’re constantly tackling objectives together as a group, which leads to a strong sense of teamwork, accomplishment, and friendship.

2

On this waterfall in the River Lordelo, we improvised a second rappel line, which helped us descend the obstacle in half the time.

3

This is the last of a sequence of nine rappels on a route that was physical and technically demanding. Happy to be almost through this tough section, Luis lets out a smile before descending a face in Ribeira do Ferreiro.

Intermission


1
This is the sickest ski video we’ve ever seen
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A photographic journey through the Torres del Paine, Patagonia
by Michael Marquand



28
21 more crazy party hostels around the world
by Tom Gates













4

The Ribeira Funda Da Ponta Ruiva is on Flores Island in the Azores, Portugal. The entire archipelago of the Azores has islands with intense volcanic lakes and cliff-lined coastal areas.

5

Canyoning involves challenging swims, such as ferrying from one section of the river to another, or shooting upstream. Here, a climber prepares to enter deep water after descending a waterfall in Ribeira Funda Da Ponta Ruiva.

6

Sometimes the terrain is such that instead of rappelling you can just jump into pools. Here on the Margarida, in Corga Da Fecha, Spain, we found a jump.

7

As part of canyoning, however, you must constantly assess options. Prior to making the jump above, another member of our team rappelled down to the pool to check conditions. There was no debris, such as rocks or tree trunks, but the landing area was no more than two square meters. One-by-one, we tossed our backpacks down so we’d have more agility for the jump.

8

We found this little frog halfway down a canyon in Galicia.

9

When packing to explore a new canyoning, canyoneers carry a drill and plenty of “spits” for equipping anchor points.

Intermission


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The 22 craziest party hostels around the world
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10

Seasoned canyoneer Rui Borges replaces old and rusty anchor points on a waterfall that feeds into the ocean on the Flores Island in the Azores, Portugal.

11

Canyoneers must pack in all provisions, and the constantly fluctuating weight of your pack changes the way you navigate the terrain.

12

At the end of a climb in the Flores Islands, we descended an incredible waterfall to the ocean, where a boat was waiting to take us back to dry land.

You know you’re in Vietnam when…

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/laurakane86/4971032722

You spend the night drinking on a tiny plastic stool.

If you’ve visited Vietnam, you know. If not, imagine tiny, red or blue plastic chairs arranged on the sidewalk and street like an oversized game of music chairs. You sit and wait for a second, before smelling the cart of dried squid passing by. Then your bia hơi arrives. What’s bia hơi? A beer found all over Vietnam, brewed daily and served up street-side. Big deal, right? Not so fast. Each glass of beer typically costs 15-to-25 cents. Before you know it, you’ll find yourself spending an hour or two nightly on tiny chairs, knocking back bia hơi with friends and strangers alike.

Crossing the street involves dodging no less than 35 motorbikes.

According to Vietnam’s Ministry of Transport, there are 37 million registered motorbikes in the country (compared to roughly two million registered cars). How do you cross the street, you ask? Well, start walking. With confidence. Not too fast. Not too slow. Don’t hesitate. Don’t stop in the middle of the road. Just. Keep. Walking. Drivers will zip past you on their motorbikes, dodging you in the process. The name of the game is trust, because frankly, traffic doesn’t really stop. If you’d prefer not to risk it, well, enjoy your side of the street.

You quickly learn not to bat an eyelash at public urination.

It might be surprising the first or second time you see someone pull their pants down and start using the restroom in a public area (street, square, you name it), but you’ll quickly get over it. And don’t worry — if you’re in Vietnam long enough, you will see it. With that said, you might come across public defecation, too. No word on if you’ll ever get used to it, though.

You manage to offend a local via your broken Vietnamese.

Think the Vietnamese language might be easy because it’s written with the Latin alphabet? Think again. Instead, think diacritical marks, diphthongs, triphthongs, and offglides. Any mark above or below a letter can change the sound or meaning of a word. For that reason, you’ll likely think you can read every street sign, but chances are you’ll pronounce them in a completely incorrect manner. Or you might just happen to make a local’s eyes widen when you make an unsuccessful attempt in telling them in Vietnamese that the pomelo they just offered you was delicious.

You get a haircut on the side of the road.

If you’re in Hanoi and you need a cheap, quick (and good) haircut, you could always go to a nearby barbershop. But who needs barbershops when you have barbers running their businesses street-side? Walk up. Get a haircut. Pay. Walk off. Sure, you might become a tourist attraction for the 10 to 15 minutes that you’re getting your haircut, but it’s worth the experience. Besides, you probably don’t get to enjoy the nice weather while getting a haircut very often back home, do you?

You witness several mattresses being transported — on one motorbike.

If seeing thousands of motorbikes daily wasn’t enough culture shock on your first visit to Vietnam, make sure to take a look at what’s being transported on them (and they’re not giant Harley Davidson bikes, mind you). Several pigs. Several mattress. Tires upon tires. Dozens of goldfish in plastic bags. Entire families. And every time you see something giant being transported via motorbike, you’ll shake your head in disbelief, feeling as if you’re watching a Cirque du Soleil balancing act.

It’s karaoke time. Enough said.

Karaoke is one of the most popular forms of entertainment in Vietnam, but the experience isn’t your typical karaoke night at Applebee’s. You’ll go out, have beers, hang out with some people, and drunkenly belt out tunes all night. You may or may not get to do this on a junk boat in Ha Long Bay. While many of the karaoke bars are awesome, keep an eye out. You might end up hanging out with some cool, friendly girls and having a great time almost by “coincidence,” but you won’t be quite as excited when it’s time to pay the bill.

You’re invited into a local’s home after knowing them for 10 minutes.

If you’re visiting Vietnam for the first time, chances are that you don’t have too many connections within the country. Lucky for you, everyone is pretty damn friendly. Eating a banh mi prepared by a couple as the rest of their family hangs out in the background? Don’t be surprised if you’re offered (yes, offered not sold) tea, fruits, and an impromptu Vietnamese lesson before going on your way. Trying to bargain with the hotel concierge while booking a Ha Long Bay cruise last minute? Well, you might not necessarily get a huge bargain, but you may end up being treated to homemade rice wine, rice liquor, and hot pot by the hotel employees. Not such a bad deal after all.

A guide to trekking Central Laos

Photo: James Handlon

Central Laos does not get many travelers, and the tourism office in the provincial capital of Tha Khaek has done a good job of designing treks that alleviate poverty in isolated villages without disrupting local culture.

Travelers get a chance to experience a beautiful part of rural Laos where the locals take pride in hosting foreign guests – a happy balance that does not always exist in more heavily touristed regions of Southeast Asia.

Basics

Photo: Johannes Lunderg

The two-day trek costs about $65 per person for a group of at least 3 people — more for couples or single travelers. This is a fair price, and much of the money goes to local villagers who guide groups through the mountains and cook delicious meals.

Travelers start out in Tha Khaek, a medium-sized town on the Mekong River that’s about halfway between Vientiane and Pakse.

I would recommend booking the trek in advance at the tourist information centre in Tha Khaek. Guesthouses like the Travel lodge in Tha Khaek can also book it for you.

Remember that the wet season is from July through October. It is best to take on this trek between November and March when the temperatures are pleasant and the weather is dry. April and May bring the hot season, during which the many swimming holes along the way will make the trek very enjoyable.

Phu Hin Bun National Protected Area

The trek explores the Phu Hin Bun National Protected Area (NPA), an isolated region of jagged peaks and clear, turquoise streams that looks like a classical Chinese landscape painting. The sheer mountainsides are refuges for several species of endangered primates, and tigers stalk the deepest parts of the jungle.

The villagers who live in the Phu Hin Bun NPA are largely self-sufficient, growing rice, fruit and vegetables, and raising water buffalo, pigs, chickens, and cows. While many treks in Laos visit ethnic minorities, the villagers here are mostly lowland Lao.

More like this: A unique journey into the heart of Northern Laos


Eat, Walk, Swim

I LOVED the food on this trek. Fresh catfish grilled with garlic over a campfire on the banks of a stream was served alongside sticky rice, mountain vegetables, eggplant, and traditional pastes of herbs and chili.

For dinner we ate water buffalo laap, a Lao dish of minced meat with herbs and spices. Vegetarian options were limited, but available.

The walks through the forest were broken up by frequent stops at spectacular swimming holes, including a sacred wellspring of turquoise water called Khoun Kong Leng.

Photo: Jason Tabarias

Other highlights included a cave that links two valleys by cutting straight through a mountain, and an old temple where the prayer bell was made from the shell of a 500-pound bomb. This bombshell was a poignant reminder of the massive U.S. bombing campaign of rural Laos — a war that the White House kept secret from both Congress and the American people.

Cultural Respect

Visiting this part of Central Laos is a privilege, and travelers should take care to respect Lao customs. Understand that Lao people are extremely non-confrontational and place a premium on smooth social interactions.

Be gentle, kind, patient, and appreciative. Showing any sign of frustration or anger is extremely rude in Laos, so if you don’t like something it’s better just to smile and, if you must, gently inquire about alternatives. The head guide will speak reasonable English, but speak slowly and try to learn some Lao words. Everyone will be thrilled to hear you make the effort.

This article was originally published on April 11th, 2009

8 Irish expressions you need to know

Photo: benessere

THE LAND OF SAINTS AND SCHOLARS has been pioneering the written and spoken word ever since the English outlawed education, forcing our countrymen to squat behind hedges listening to some auld fella shite on about Catholicism or bread or whatever cos we weren’t allowed to use books. But even being bestowed with the ability to chat your arse off does not necessarily mean that the complex lexicon of Irish-isms is navigable. Here’s a quick guide to Irish idioms that will save you from any embarrassing lost-in-translation scenarios.

1. State = Disgrace

Outgoing as we are, years of repression by either England or the Catholic Church has left us somewhat reliant on the social lubricant of booze to keep the banter flowing. However, this crutch is a cruel mistress, and can often leave us cowering under a duvet on Sunday, the fear induced by the inevitable loss of dignity the night before.

Usage:

“Fucking state of you last night, you puked on my cat.” = “You were a disgrace last night, you were sick on my cat.”

“Oh my god, she’s was an absolute state. Did you see her taking a piss in front of the Garda station?” = “Oh my god, she was a disgrace. Did you see her going to the toilet in front of the police station?”

2. Session = Party

This is a blanket term for any kind of social gathering that has the potential to get a little loose. How loose will depend on the demographic. If we’re talking trad session, expect typical Irish music played by some auld fellas with bodhrans whilst the auld ones croon “She walks through the fair” to a reverential silence. If we’re talking college students frequenting the Pyg, then expect copious amounts of Class As and a queue for the early house on Tara St. Ew.

Usage:

“Fair auld session last night there lads, great to get the lock in.” = “Great night of merriment and music last night boys, delighted to be able to stay after hours in the pub.”

“Fucking chewed the face off myself at that session last night.” = “I gurned a lot at that drug-fueled party last night.”

3. Shite on / Talk the hind legs off a donkey = Talk at length

We can talk. About anything. Give us a topic; we can talk about it. Again, the degree of shiting on is determined by age and / or consumption of alcohol / drugs. Usually used in a negative context, like someone going on and on and on and on and on and on…

Usage:

“God yer one would talk the hind legs off a donkey.” = “That girl would bore you to death with her incessant talk.

“He spent the whole night shiting on to me about his gout. Insufferable bastard.” = “He talked to me the whole night about his gout. Insufferable bastard.”

4. Shift = Kiss (with tongues)

This phrase was popularised in more rural parts of Ireland and entered into common usage in the ‘90s. Often heard at discos, down the tennis club, or at lunchtime if you were lucky enough to go to a girls’ school close to a boys’ school (If you were lucky enough to go to a mixed school, this was probably the only word you ever used, ever), the mere mention of this word would set pheromones secreting and pulses racing, and eventually, saliva swapping.

Usage:

“Here, will ye shift me mate?” = “Hey, will you kiss my friend?”

“Yer man’s a great shift.” = “That guy’s a really good kisser.”

5. Yer man / Yer one = That guy / that girl

Everything will make so much more sense once you understand this. The Irish always have a wide circle of friends, and there are about 2 degrees of separation between every member of the population. So you can see how it could be challenging to remember everybody’s name. To compensate for this, we have come up with a useful shorthand for describing someone that you may know, but can’t think of their name, or for referring to any stranger in general. Enter yer man / yer one.

This causes the most confusion when people think that these are actually people’s names. Just ask any Polish immigrant how long it took before they realised that Yerman wasn’t some social wunderkind who was connected to absolutely everyone they met.

Usage:

“You know yer man, the ginger fella who’s friends with Cathal.” = “You know, that ginger guy who’s friends with Cathal.”

“You know yer man, he’s going out with yer one.” = “You know that guy, he’s going out with that girl.”

“Jaysus, yer one over there is looking fairly rough.” = “Wow, that girl over there has seen better days.”

6. Ride = Good looking person / sex

So important a word they gave it two meanings. Get your coat luv, you’ve pulled.

Usage:

“Did ye get the ride off yer one last?” = “Did you have sex with that girl last night?”

“OMG, Brian O’Driscoll is suuuuuuuuuuuuch a ride.” = “Brian O’Driscoll is hot.” (Most likely heard in Dublin 4)

7. Good man / woman yourself! = Well done!

We love a bit of auld reflexive pronoun action to illustrate how much we really mean something. It’s all about emphasis. That coupled with a bit of well deserved praise for, say, winning the ploughing championships on an banjaxed Massey Ferguson, results in shouts of the above as well as lots of back slapping.

Usage:

“Jaysus bai, you did well there, good man yourself!” = “Jesus man, well done, congratulations!”

“Sure didn’t you look great in the Lovely Girls contest, good woman yourself!” = “You looked great in the rural beauty pageant, congratulations!”

8. To score the face off someone = To kiss passionately

Every sexual act needs a euphemism because Catholicism has beaten us into a repressive state of denial about our libidos. This particular idiom sounds slightly aggressive, and it can be, so watch out for that ginger stubble. Ouch.

Usage:

“My mouth is red raw, he was scoring the face off me for hours at Coppers.” = “I have sandpapered my skin off my passionately kissing someone for hours in the local meat market.”

Fall in love with Caracas [vid]

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“PERSPECTIVAS” (Perspectives) is a timelapse project about the city of Caracas done by Diego Mojica between 2012 and 2014. It required an astounding 25,000 shots to put it together! And the result achieves the director’s goal: pause the speed of everyday life to appreciate one of the most beautiful cities in Latin America.

It doesn’t matter if you were born and raised in Venezuela, if you visited the country in the past and loved it, or if you are interested in traveling there soon, I am sure this timelapse of the extraordinary and multifaceted Caracas will leave you wanting more. The soundtrack to the video is enjoyable, but those of you who need an extra dose of Venezuelan music today, check out these 10 songs dedicated to the country.


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American habits I lost in Japan

Photo: Michell Zappa

1. I stopped wearing shoes in the house.

My Japanese teacher wasn’t just focused on teaching me Japanese; I had to learn my manners too. I walked into her apartment for my lesson and she smacked me with the might of an 80-pound 60-year-old woman. Hitting was a loving way of letting me know I messed up and never to do it again. Sumo wrestlers go through the same training.

I made the mistake of asking her why it was so important to take off my shoes. This time I got smacked in the back of the head and yelled at with her characteristic “Eh” before she painfully repeated my words, as if to say,”Are you dumb enough to ask why your shoes are dirty? You wear them outside!”

I walked past a row of neatly lined-up slippers. Without turning her head, she continued walking through the hallway and said “Put the slippers on, it’s cold.” I soon had slippers in my Genkai as well.

Months down the road I had her over for dinner, and she put on the slippers as she nodded at me. That was the most praise I was going to get.

2. I stopped worrying about being naked in front of strangers.

Walking into the onsen was intimidating. In Japan, there is a proper way to do everything, and now I had to do it without clothes on. I figured I could wing it, so I watched other women and copied every move. Those women were staring at me too, but for different reasons, I was a fat white girl in rural hot springs. Uneasiness aside, I enjoyed the beautiful natural rock facilities, with waters brought in from Atami that were of different temperatures and colors. There were also sauna and steam rooms to detox and clear the mind. It was relaxing enough to make me forget I was naked. I went back every month to unwind. I still have the habit of fully showering before I go into clean bath water so that it doesn’t get nasty for those after me, like my son jumping in with his bag of toys.

3. I stopped being “late.”

One time I took a closer train station into Shizuoka — I didn’t want to walk in heels to Shimizu station, which was one kilometer away from my apartment and figured I would get to my meeting faster this way. It was a terrible mistake, and I lost my way the moment I stepped out of the station in Shizuoka. Cautiously, I began walking around the city trying to find my way with no success. I had to call my manager, and she talked me through the route there. I was sweaty and gross, but I got there — and with 5 minutes to spare. The other foreigner teachers looked worried as I set my things down. A new teacher said, “Shibucho didn’t think you were going to make it. They called your manager.”

The trainer and Shibucho walked in and ripped into me for being late. “You are only 5 minutes early, in Japan that means you are late. You must be 15 minutes early to be on time.” There was no argument I could make. When I got to my office, I was greeted with disciplinary paperwork stating why I was “late” and how I could improve my behavior.

4. I stopped sitting in chairs at the table.

Who needs a tall table with chairs when you can sit on the floor with the food closer to your face? It’s the smart way to go — less spilling…except for the ramen juice that started to build up on my laptop screen.

5. I found alternatives to swearing.

Mendokusai is my go-to Japanese word for laughs. It translates as “bothersome” and is a word that gangsters or the yakuza use. There are many profane words in the Japanese language, but this one is mostly used by delinquents and teenage boys — who didn’t think I would understand if they used it in class. Think my lessons are mendokusai huh? That’s when I would break out in my insane yakuza character and mimic them. Mendokusai, mendokusai while exaggerating the endings with a crazy look on my face — like that show My Boss My Hero that was always on the only channel actually clear enough to watch. My students always burst out laughing — the levity was enough to get them to start working again.

6. I stopped saying hello to strangers.

Bam! This poor kid I said hello to rode his bike into an electric pole. Until the people in my neighborhood got used to me, they would cross the street when I walked by. This bothered me because I like to be friendly and smile a lot — I was always told these were positive things about me.

My friends warned me about the Gaijin bubble, but I was determined to pop it. I would make it a point to sit next to people on the train and watch them jump up the second another seat was available.

7. I stopped expecting people to bag my groceries for me.

It was never consistent — sometimes the clerk would bag my stuff, the next time she would give me the stink eye and point to the table with bags and tape.

8. I stopped driving a car.

My first bike had a basket for me to put groceries in. Every bike I had was special somehow, and each one was stolen — always gone in the stealth of the night. My manager said the only people who steal are the elderly, and no one is going to arrest them. So I eventually gave up on my bikes and started walking.

How to piss off an Arab

Photo: Faizal Riza MOHD RAF

You’re probably thinking “pretty easy” and you’re probably right.

Serve us food French-style.

Of course, I must start with food.

We’re a nation recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records for making the largest food dishes on the planet. So, do not serve me bite-sized food. Unless you want my (not-so-positive) opinion before you even bring out the actual plate.

“But are you Muslim? …Aren’t you all Muslim?”

Contrary to popular belief, most Muslims aren’t Arab and millions of Arabs aren’t Muslims. There are more than 20 faiths in Arabia. In fact, religion is the reason behind many civil wars — current and past — in the Arab world.

Trying to determine the religion of an Arab is a very irritating issue. Asking a person wearing a cross or a hijab annoys them because if she’s a hijabi (covered woman), then obviously she’s Muslim. If she has a big fat cross, then obviously she is Christian! If she’s not sporting an obvious religious symbol, then don’t ask because she’ll think you’re trying to judge her.

“Do you ride camels?” “Do you have a tent back home?”

Yeah, a camping tent that takes me two hours to set up because I lost the instruction manual.

No, we ride Ferraris. We have more BMWs on the street than Germany. We have custom-made sports cars in funny colours.

Not impressed?

Fine, we’re suffering from a large number of abandoned luxury and sport cars here in Dubai. You know why? ‘Cause we don’t live in deserts and sleep in tents.

Diss another Arab in front of us

Look darls, we’re all cousins and you can’t just insult my cousin and expect me to sit there and smile.

Refuse to let us treat you

Arabs will never take no for an answer, so let’s not argue about it. Just allow me to pay the bill and next time you want to meet up tell me it’s your treat beforehand.

“Where the black-gold money at?” Ha-ha. No.

Saying all Arabs have oil money is as true as saying all British people have had tea with Queen Liz the second.

The sad reality is we are 22 countries (if you count one Sudan but not the other), and one of them is Somalia, which is rock-bottom poor and has oil. We have the Gulf countries that have varying amounts of oil and rich people. We have Le Grande Maghreb with not much oil and even those who have great oil supplies aren’t rich. Yemen and Sudan are struggling with everything. You get the picture. We’re not one huge bag of money called Arabians.

Asking me, “What do you mean by you’re broke? Where that oil money at?” will piss me off. Stop expecting me to be immune to going broke just because I’m Arab.

Rip us off

Don’t try selling us something from the 2012 autumn collection in summer 2014 and call it “special edition.” Forget offering us a “special discount” when we know you’re actually charging us more.

There is an Arabic proverb, “If your friend is made of honey don’t suck him all up.” Nobody likes to be taken advantage of, and out of every other race on planet we tend to take everything a bit too personally.

“You’re Arab!? How come you don’t have an accent?”

Ok, I agree that some Arabs have thick accents, but that’s because they learned the language late, or from a second-language speaker. That doesn’t mean we all do.

A massive amount of us speak perfect English and French, so give us a break will you?

How to eat and drink like a Scot

Photo: simononly

1. You put salt on your porridge, not sugar.

Most people need to add extras such as sugar, honey, or fruit to make porridge palatable. There’s none of that malarkey for a true Scot. They like their breakfast oats seasoned not sweetened.

2. You call a sandwich a piece.

Question: “What are you having for lunch?”

Answer: “Piece ‘n’ chicken” or “Piece ‘n’ cheese.” If you’re particularly skint that week, it might be “A jam piece.”

3. If the chippy asks “Salt ‘n’ sauce?” You know he’s not talking about ketchup.

When in Edinburgh, as the guys behind the counter at the local chip shop are wrapping up your order, they’ll ask if you want salt ‘n’ sauce. What they’re referring to is a watered-down version of British brown sauce, similar to HP Sauce.

Don’t be surprised when ordering chips anywhere in Scotland though if you’re also given a huge choice of extra toppings. Most popular are chips ‘n’ cheese, chips ‘n’ beans, chips ‘n’ curry, and chips ‘n’ gravy. You can even have triple combinations. Chips, cheese ‘n’ beans anyone?

4. You know the words juice and ginger have nothing to do with fruit and vegetables.

Ordering any kind of meal deal in Scotland will probably include the question “What juice / ginger do you want?” They’re referring to fizzy drinks like coke or Fanta. In Scotland, there’s a big chance the answer will be “Irn Bru.”

5. You swear Irn Bru is the world’s best hangover cure.

Irn Bru (pronounced Iron Brew) is a bright orange, vanilla-flavoured ‘juice’ that’s so popular in Scotland it outsells the mighty Coca-Cola. If you’re a young Scottish male, you buy it by the litre bottle and can quite easily get through it in a day. For everyone else, it’s the first thing you reach for the morning after a big night out.

6. Your salmon is not imported.

If you’re eating it here, it’s local. Salmon is Scotland’s biggest food export, with farms sending their produce to over 60 countries worldwide.

7. Your granny made you stovies when you were a kid.

Traditionally, stovies are made from the leftovers from a Sunday roast: beef, tatties (potatoes), carrots, onions, and any other vegetables you have, all stewed with a whole load of lard. As an adult you might order stovies for a trip down memory lane, but it’s more likely you’re a workie (builder) or football fan in winter looking for a hearty meal at the pub to both warm and fill you up.

8. You think deep fried pizza is a perfectly acceptable late night grease fix.

Most chippies will serve pizza this way, sometimes battered, but more often than not it’s simply a piece of dodgy frozen pizza thrown straight into the deep fat fryer. Your arteries won’t be happy, but you probably won’t care since you’ve just stumbled out of a nightclub at three in the morning.

9. You think that deep-fried Mars bars are only for tourists.

But you’ll happily admit they’re delicious.

10. Putting fruitcake batter in a cloth sack and boiling it doesn’t seem weird.

The result of the above is called a clootie dumpling and is what you’d traditionally be served for dessert at Christmas or other festive occasions. It starts out very similarly to regular fruitcake mix, but it’s then put in a ‘cloot’ or cloth sack, boiled, then finished off in the oven to get a slight crust. You eat it warm, served with whisky-laced cream, custard, or ice cream. Yum.

11. You know haggis is delicious.

To be fair, sheep’s offal mixed with oats and spices, stuffed in a sheep’s stomach lining, and then boiled don’t sound very appetising. But Scots know better. These days it’s easier to become a fan of haggis.

Firstly, it’s more likely to be encased in a sausage skin than a sheep’s intestine, and today it’s eaten in all sorts of new ways. My favourite is the haggis bon bon; haggis that’s rolled in breadcrumbs then deep fried. You might also find it as a meat substitute in Italian dishes like ravioli and lasagne, or at the good old chippy, where you can get it battered and deep fried. There’s even a vegetarian version.

12. Your ‘go to’ alcohol isn’t whisky.

There’s a perception that whisky is all a Scot drinks. Not so. Firstly, good whisky is expensive, so it’s hardly what many people can afford to go on a weekly bender with. Secondly, have you tried the stuff? It’s very much an acquired taste — more likely to be something you’d learn to truly appreciate in your later years. But it’s common for a Scot to have a ‘wee dram’ of whisky as a beer chaser or just as a warming shot in winter.

13. You order your tattie scone on a roll.

Tattie scones are a sort of flatbread made from mashed potato, butter, and flour, and are usually found as part of a full Scottish breakfast. But they’re even better eaten in a roll. If you want to turn it up yet another notch of deliciousness, ask for some bacon and square sausage on your roll too.