Chris Raabe's Blog, page 3

Hey Bud, Let’s Nip This Potato Problem

Were you aware that potatoes in the store no longer can be used for elementary school science experiments? What is the world coming to these days? What will small children do for science projects? It will be mass chaos; parents will no longer have a quick fix for their little darlings. I know you have all seen this experiment. A potato with wooden skewers through it so that it rests with a portion in the water in a cup and a larger portion above the water. The “eyes” then grow little buds and soon stems and leaves. Little kids are amazed, and parents are praised by their children for their total awesomeness.

I recently watched a cute little girl share her insights about the state of our food in America. It is really criminal that large companies are adding chemicals to keep potatoes from growing “eyes,” and thus keeping parents from creating simple science experiments for school projects. (Cute girl and a sweet potato video)

The chemical is commonly known as “Budnip.” Funny, that was what my grandmother called it when she stopped my sister and me from fighting before we even started, a “Budnip.” If we didn’t heed her warning, we got a “Budwhip.” Those were the days, when brothers and sisters listened to their grandmothers and potatoes had eyes. I did not research this because it was on youtube, and everyone knows that the internet is totally true. Just ask my seventh graders. Besides, why would a cute little girl and her grandmother try to deceive the world. They aren’t the President or Congress. She would have definitely failed her elementary science class for lying on a science experiment, so I am going to believe her on this one.

Now, Budnip is not a topical chemical. It seeps into the potato, so that the entire thing is filled with Budnip. I guess that is just in case the “eyes” get smart and try to grow from deep inside of the potato. This does cause me a little concern, because if I eat too many potatoes, will it affect my eyes? I kind of need them. How else would I play Candy Krush?

Seriously, who cares if the potato in my pantry grows some buds? I searched the archives of the CDC, and I found something very interesting. Not a single human has been attacked and killed by a potato. Yes, potatoes do have a poison in them, and if you eat enough potatoes you could die. It is called glycoalkaloid poison, and it is found in the stems and leaves of the plant, and it can turn potatoes green if there is enough glycoalkaloid in them. So if you ever wondered why that french fry was green, I guess you know. I think you have to eat something like 30 potatoes every hour for 16 months to die from it. Well, that’s what one of my seventh graders read on the internet.

That is also the argument for this Budnip chemical. It would take so many potatoes to get too much of the Budnip in your system, that it isn’t a real threat. This Budnip also has a cool name, Chlorpropham. I guess the big question is this: if you want death by potato, do you want to get glycoalkaloid poisoning or do you want to get budnipped? I don’t want anybody nipping my buds, so keep your manmade chemical garbage out of my food. If potatoes are going to kill me, I want the mean green poison.

In all seriousness, what is wrong with people? Are you telling me that society needed potatoes that won’t grow buds in the pantry? That’s really what this all boils down to. When grandmas saw potatoes in the pantry that were growing buds, or eyes, she knew it was time to use them or they were going to spoil. I guess it was natures way of letting man know that the potatoes were about to expire and needed to be cut into fries or mashed for the steak on the grill. God is pretty smart to create a built in warning system for His almighty potato. It has always bothered me that our government allows companies to put strange “additives” into my food. The people who came up with a chemical to stop eyes from growing into buds on my potato are probably the same people who thought the anal glands of a beaver should be used to enhance the flavor of raspberry candies. (Read it on the internet, so it must be true.)

I want to go on the record and say I don’t want fertilizer in my sandwich, shellac in my sprinkles, or coal tar in red candy. Why do we have to add all this crap to our food? The answer is easy; we don’t spend time eating together. We want something easy and quick, and that means prepackaged and full of garbage. Read a food label some time. Today, most of the stuff on the shelf has too many things I can’t pronounce. I am guessing those long names are to cover up what it really is. Would you eat something that said “sheep secretions” on the packaging? Do you chew gum? I read that on the internet, too.

I am sure some of my information could possibly be incorrect… we are talking about the world-wide web, which when mixed with my brain can produce some interesting results. But I am pretty sure that too much of what may not be good for us is going into our food supply. Meals used to be prepared in the kitchen, and often they contained the local flavor of whatever was in season, in the garden, or in the jars from the year before. Families worked together to get the meal ready, they sat around the table together to eat, and they had kids so someone could clean up afterwards. That’s why my wife and I had children. We were sitting around after a meal and said to each other, “Wouldn’t it be great to have someone to clean up this great meal when we are done?” The rest is history.

I am surprised those people who were so turned off by the buds on potatoes actually eat them. Do they know that potatoes come from the ground? Do they understand how dirty the ground can be? The only budnip the world needs is that of a grandmother. Buy local, buy organic, grow your own, and prepare and eat meals together. If you want a healthy, happy family, that’s what you need to do. Well, that and have children because who wants to do dishes when you are in your thirties and fourties.

Disclaimer: No potatoes were harmed during the writing of this article, but the family plans to sit down together and cut some up for soup later this week. If you find any inaccuracies in this post, contact one of my seventh graders. They do all of my research.

Did I say “Crap” too much?

We all have faults. I am no different from the next person. In fact, I may have more flaws than the average man, which according to my wife is far more flaws than the average woman. Okay, she didn’t say it out loud, but using my Jedi powers of perception, I am absolutely positive that she was thinking it and probably ususally thinks it.

I don’t know why my flaws exist, and no matter how many times I shower, I can’t seem to get rid of them. One of my flaws is the need to organize things that bug the crap out of me even though it’s not mine. Let me elaborate. My family of five is currently living with my parents. Yes, you could say we have been removed from our comfort zone for a number of months. Actually, combining homes has been tough but very rewarding for all of us, including my parents. One of the results of moving into someone else’s home is what I refer to as the compounding crap principle.

Basically, when you take your own crap and move it into another home that is already at its crap quota, then the Compounding Crap Principle is initiated. One might think that by adding one family you simply double the amount of crap, but the CC Principle actually states that by doubling your crap in such a short period of time actually breaks the fabric of the space-time continuum, resulting in somewhere between five times and a million times the amount of crap you had initially. It’s like in the movie Gremlins. That little cute Gizmo didn’t look too bad, but then a little food and BOOM! Yeah, the Compounding Crap Principle (CCP) is something like that, only the crap doesn’t put dogs in microwaves and try to kill people… well… not directly, but I digress.

My parents reached their G.S.C.Q (Governemnt Standard Crap Quota) around 2011. But in 2013, my father retired. Since their household now has two retirees, the government standard for crap goes up substantially. In some cases, the crap quota can rise for double retirees by as much as 300 percent, and if there is an organization that understands crap, both creating it and measuring it, it’s the government of the United States. Don’t worry, I rented a storage facility to house most of my family’s crap, so we won’t be dealing with an investigation into our crap quota by the IRS. My parents are Democrats, so the IRS would overlook a minor crap infraction on their part; however, our cats our Tea Party so we thought a storage unit was better than an IRS inquiry.

Oh, that’s right, we were talking about my flaws. I visit the pantry of our house daily in search of a salty snack. Every time I step into the pantry of my parents’ house, I step on crap on the floor. I can’t find things because of crap on the shelves. So, I decided to “fix” the pantry; I wanted to remove crap and make the pantry a better place to visit. I removed candy that had expired in 2008, there was marshmallow spread that had actually separated into black oil and white crap which expired in 2002 (fortunately it was sealed, and what in the world would you use marshmallow spread for), and there was a box of some kind of drink mix that had an advertisement for a sweep stakes that had to have postmarked entries by January 1, 1995. I also found two green pot lids from the 1970s that matched two pots my parents quit using in 1983.

All CRAP!

Here are the lessons I have learned from the expedition through my parents’ pantry:

1. Don’t take crap with you when you move. My parents are in their third house since 1983, which means those pot lids were transported with the rest of the house.

2. If crap does make the move, get rid of it as you unpack it.

3. Remove crap when you see it. Crap left alone to its own devices will multiply.

4. Don’t reorganize your parents’ crap when you move into their house for an extended period of time, even if they go to another state for a couple months and you think you are doing a service to your family and your country because somehow it will cause a fight with your wife. (I can’t go into any more detail about it at this time or I would be in deep crap.)

So my New Year’s resolution is “stay out of other people’s crap, don’t take crap from anyone (except my wife), and crap stinks.” The third part really isn’t a resolution, but it is definitely true. Happy New Year!

Why to kids ask tough questions?

  My family just completed a trip to my wife’s hometown and back. I love small towns, even though I have spent most of my life in cities.  My youngest asked me what makes it a city? Being the well-traveled writer that I am, I should have made up an answer and left it at that. Instead, I decided to wade into the murky waters of internet question and answer while my youngest daughter found something constructive to do. I thought it would be simple.

  Simply put, I thought it would be easy to look up the answer and give my daughter what she deserved, an informed answer. I overestimated the simplicity of the question.

  Most sites on the world wide web agree that a city is 50,000 people. Many other sites disagree with that fact or opinion depending on whether you think the site is accurate or not. Since none of the sites agree on anything really, I thought I would open up a chat on the subject. This is the information age, and if you put a question out there, it doesn’t take long to get a number of experts to weigh in with their expertise. I found many people willing to share their insights.

  Julii was my first expert on the subject. I know she is an expert because she spells her name like an expert would. Either that or she is the second Jul in her family, which means she comes from a long line of city experts. A “city” that is close to where she lives has 15,000 people and a cathedral. In ancient times, cities were cities if they had cathedrals. Her more modern explanation was that a town could start calling itself a city if a monarch said it could. She said many towns compete annually for this kingly or queenly designation. Julii did not go into specifics about this competition, but I am guessing it is quite exciting.

  Aimee had a different take on it. A city is usually defined by its size in comparison to a town. She also mentioned something about churches and infrastructure, like streets, and businesses. All important factors to consider when deciding if the place you are located in is a city or actually a town or maybe a town mimicking a city in order to influence the queen. Many creatures in the insect world are known to do things like this, so Aimee may be onto something.

  Jameel agreed with Aimee about the business requirement to be of city status, although he used the term “industry.” I was not sure what differentiated business from industry, and I was even more confused by the need of so many people to have double vowels in their names. I decided to contact the Chamber of Commerce of what I thought was a small town, but Charrlee (Seriously?) said they were a city and not a town. I asked how she was so sure of that. She said, “Well, we have city limits.” I hung up.

  Hypothetically, what if my wife’s hometown is declared a city by the homecoming queen or the queen of Watermelon Days? They have zero cathedrals but they do have streets and some of them are paved. Do they qualify as a city? My frustration with the growing gray area between cities and towns was building to a crescendo when my daughter walked into the room.

  “I am sorry honey,” I said sadly. “I have not found an answer to your city question but I think I am close. We live in a city, so cities are large. We have a cathedral and streets and industry. Towns are missing at least one of those and probably more and they don’t have a monarchy in place to designate them as a city even if they wanted to. It’s very technical, but we live in a city. Does that make sense?”

  She looked at me strangely because by this time she had forgotten the question she had asked in the first place and was wondering what in the world I was talking about. Then, she said something so profound, I was at a loss as to how to respond.

  “Daddy, if Omaha is a city, why do you call it your hometown?”

  I did what any parent would do in this situation… I announced that everyone was grounded from all electronic devices and there would be no dessert for a month. Why are kids so smart? Why are we as parents so dumb? How can it be a city if it is my hometown? She is brilliant! She gets that from her mother, so I told my wife she was grounded from electronic devices as well. She responded by telling me I was grounded from our room.

  Needless to say, my daughters are all eating ice cream right now and my wife is playing candy crush. Upon completing this post, I am banning myself from electronic devices for the evening, well, not the tv, but my brain is fried by the city-town conundrum, so I will end with my take on town vs. city.

  If there is a combine (or any other farming implement of irregular size) parked in someone’s yard within “city” limits, then it is a town regardless of whether there is a cathedral or not. If any sidewalks or streets are made of brick (and they are not part of a historical site, special road, or special part of town), then that is a town and not a city. If the new community wellness center shares part of the building with the bar, then it is a town, regardless of the amount of industry located inside the “city” limits.

  If over half of the population celebrates something similar to Watermelon Days, Old Settler Days, or Pioneer Days; if you have a celebration for unorthodox food like the Testical Festival; if you have a “city-wide” celebration for a pastry like Kolache Days; or if you have a queen for any of the previous celebrations and her picture is front page news… well, then you are living in a town. AND there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

  It’s not about whether or not you have enough people to be a city. It’s about having the right people, and I have found that towns have more of the right people than cities do. It is easy to get caught up in the rat race and the run-a-round in a city. In fact, the bigger the city, the easier it is to get caught up in what doesn’t matter. My advice to all of you is to make your city smaller. Increase your community (those you know more deeply). Take care of those in need. Help others out and slow down. Support and cheer for your local high school. Join a church. Meet your neighbors. Get to know the other parents your children hang out with.

  Most importantly, don’t look for answers on the internet. Listen to the wisdom of children. I better get some ice cream before my daughters have finished it all off.

Thank You Indoor Plumbing

I wanted to be thankful on Thanksgiving, but with Black Friday looming and napping to be done, I haven’t had a chance to get to blogging until today. What am I thankful for? A lot.

1. Indoor plumbing and heating – I went to my first deer camp the weekend before Thanksgiving.  The bonfire and a portable heater were the sources of warmth and the evenings reached below freezing. The toilet was a box with a lid and no walls surrounded by nothing but open forrest. The north wind was unpleasant to begin with, but add a 12 degree toilet seat… well, I think you get what I am saying. I don’t think my cheeks have thawed out yet.

2. Family – I love my family. My extended family is great, too. I even took a Hawkeye fan to a Husker game, and everything turned out okay.  Well, the Huskers lost, but it was still a good time.  You can’t beat family that you love around Thanksgiving.

3. My wife – Bless that poor woman’s soul. She loves me more than I deserve and puts up with more than she should, and I love her laugh and enjoyed a double-feature with her over the holiday. Home Front caused some anxiety and I got a loving talking to for bugging her during the movie.  She makes me smile.

4. Hollywood – I love movies. It is a great way to remove myself from the real world for a couple hours. I like explosions and action and explosions and car chases and explosions and well-timed humor surrounded by more explosions.

5. Gifts – I don’t mean getting gifts. I like the gifts we all possess. My writing, my wife’s crafty nature, my daughter’s athletic ability, another one’s cello expertise, and the positive energy of my youngest. “Mom, that was the best (insert food item) you have ever made.” We all have something that we are good at, a gift of some kind, and I love seeing those gifts put to good use.

We are all thankful for something or someone. Take time to ponder all those blessings you have in your life. Oh, and if anyone has access to a port-a-potty that I could borrow next November, let me know.

Happy Halloween

Which one is the real Mr. Crawford?  For Halloween, our team of teachers dressed up like our follically challenged PE teacher, Mr. Crawford.  I am the first bald one on the left, next to the real Mr. Crawford.  I love where I teach.

GoodReads Giveaway

And the six lucky winners from the GoodReads Giveaway are…

Amanda H (TX)

Ebbie P (NY)

Melissa P (MI)

Jake L (NJ)

Alyssa H (UT)

Brian L (NY)

Each of you will be receiving your autographed copies of “On The Run” next week. Thank you for entering our giveaway. Please post a review on my blog, facebook page or Amazon.

Happy Reading!!

I Remember…

 Today, I realized that the students in my classroom were a year old or less when the events of 9/11 took place.
 
   These kids don’t know that this is the reason why we cheered the capture of Osama Bin Laden. They don’t know that this is why it takes so long to check in for your flight at the airport. That the war on terror happened in our own front yard. That thousands of people lost their lives. That all air traffic was halted for days and the skies were eerie and silent.
 
   My wife was 9 months pregnant as we watched the events unfold on our television sets (ours had rabbit ears).  We sat silent and worried about the world our unborn daughter would be entering.  Tears ran down our cheeks and disbelief filled out bodies.  Everyone knew someone who was affected by the falling towers, the aircraft involved, the Pentagon.
 
   Life halted for a moment, and everyone took a self-inventory.  We looked at others differently, and we showed compassion to those who needed it.  We all needed compassion.
 
   We never know when the next “event” will take place.  Why wait for it to arrive before taking a self-inventory, making a change, turning over a whole tree of leaves?  Today, let us remember those who fell by giving forgiveness we have been withholding.  Let us remember by loving on our neighbors.  Let us honor those people who lost their lives on that fateful day by honoring those people in our lives that we cherish today.

Good reads at Goodreads

Want to stay connected with your favorite authors? Goodreads.com is the perfect place to do that. While you are there please take a few moments to write a review for The New Phenomenon, On The Run and End Game. I love to read your feedback. 

Be on the lookout for giveaways and special deals at Goodreads.

END GAME is free on kindle July 30

END GAME is free on Kindle today.

click here for kindle version

Parables in Old Mill Omaha has my books

Get END GAME at Parables in the Old Mill. Call to make sure they haven’t run out. The New Phenomenon and On the Run are also available there.