Maude Mayes's Blog: Secrets of a Successful Relationship Revealed, page 97

The Need for Flexibility In Successful Relationships

“Okay, so our core values match and we are ready to pursue a long term relationship.”

So what now?

“We’ve renewed our vows and want to re-create our relationship with peaceful intentions and an awareness of being on the same side in all we do.”

So what now?

“Total acceptance you say! How do we do that?”

Well, let’s have a look. You think one thing. Your partner thinks another. It might be whether to replace the car or what color to paint the kitchen. How do you reach a decision? If both of you hold fast to your original position, you can’t. At least one of you has to change your position.

There are various ways this can happen.

One person is always adamant, and the other accedes. Not a good idea for a balanced relationship.
You compromise. Maybe you take it in turn, maybe there’s a balance sheet scored by the scale of the concessions. This may work for many couples, but we don’t think this is a good idea. You may have different views on the value of the concession, but worse than that is the act of the concession itself. Someone always loses. It may rankle for a long time – until the kitchen is repainted or the car is resold.
You can both be flexible.

Guess what – we pick the third choice! Let’s examine what it involves.

Holding on to your original position is, when you think about it, an incredible act of hubris. Is this really the best position in the whole world? Have you examined every other one and found it wanting? Are you sure there isn’t another possibility you might have overlooked? Is there a teeny chance your ego doesn’t like admitting it’s wrong?

So let go of the need to be right. It only gets in the way.

This is a skill that can be learned. It even has a distinct feel to it. When you can let go of the attachment to your idea and just see it as one of many, bobbing in the stream, any tension and conflict about the decision disappears.

The next trick is to realize that for any issue, there will be multiple solutions that work for you. You just haven’t found them yet. With all that in place, here’s how issues can get resolved peacefully.

Each person describes their position, their reasons for it and their feelings about it. This gives the listener different ideas plus the opportunity to empathize. The speaker may even gain insight themselves through the act of clearly articulating reasons and feelings.

This process allows new possibilities to arise that might accommodate your partner’s position, both rational and emotional, and by continuing this process you can find a place that works for both of you without either person having compromised.

We have been using this process to make decisions and solve problems for many years now, and it has turned into something we really look forward to. The experience itself always brings us closer, gives us a sense of our shared intimacy and the results are always better than anything either one of us had in mind before.

Recently we were planning a trip to celebrate our anniversary. We started out with two very different ideas of what to do.

Maude: I want to go to somewhere neither of us has been before, but I just don’t want to drive a long distance. I drive so much for work, it wouldn’t really feel like a vacation if I were driving again.

Phil: I was thinking of a long California drive but I know what you mean. Since you don’t like driving on our trips, I always wind up being the driver. I’m not much in the mood for being the driver either. Maybe we should fly.

Maude: The only problem with that is I so enjoy the scenery and seeing all the places we go through on the way to somewhere. I was thinking of maybe going to Yellowstone, but it’s a long way off and would involve a lot of driving. But I know neither of us has ever been in that part of the country, and I think we would both love it. The trip would be great for you to take photos on too.

Phil: I love the idea of Yellowstone. Now that we are talking, I remember seeing a train trip advertised which leaves from San Francisco and connects to trains all the way to Yellowstone. You know how I love trains. We had such a great time when we went to Portland, Or. Sleeping on the train was so much fun and we met such great people.

Maude: OMG, now I’m getting really excited. I love that idea. Let’s look it up and see what we can book!

Who would have thought there was such power in flexibility?

When you are locked into set ideas, this causes conflict in all your relationships. Flexibility enables you to be sensitive to your partner and pay attention to what makes them comfortable or happy with any given situation.

Let go of the need to be right. It only gets in the way #relationships #quote
Click To Tweet
If you practice remembering at all times that both of you are on the same side and are seeking to create mutual solutions together, then flexibility will be your watchword.

When you remain flexible and even start to greet the differences your partner brings to the relationship with pleasure, you will very quickly find that your world is greatly enlarged and that you are experiencing things that you could never have come to on your own. You will share an existence that is open and changing and at the same time not frightening or upsetting.

One of the great benefits from this flexible approach to your partner and your relationship is the change you will notice in yourself. This way of being together brings with it a deep sense of peace and well-being.

So we say to all those who would walk the path of flexibility and total acceptance: celebrate the differences, reap the benefits of new ways of looking at and doing things, and stretch the boundaries of who you are.

Phil and Maude’s Friday Feature: Gail Brenner

We are excited to be announcing a new offering from PhilandMaude.com.

Occasionally on Fridays we will be either sharing guest blogs or featuring authors and speakers who work in the field of peaceful relationships.

This week we’d like to feature Dr. Gail Brenner, a licensed Ph.D. psychologist with over 20 years of experience offering psychotherapy. In her work as a therapist, she “invites people to return to their essential wholeness, to shed false identities and realize the truth of who they are. Problems are seen as opportunities; the illusion of the separate self as a doorway to enduring happiness.”

We first encountered Gail when we were looking for links for our Wednesday blog on the Successful Relationships Reading Corner, and came across a wonderful article called The Secret to Peaceful Relationships which led us to look into Gail‘s other work. She blogs for many sites including her own and has been featured on Huffington Post, Zen Habits, MindBodyGreen, Tiny Buddha, Inspire Me Today, and the Undivided Journal, to mention a few.

Imagine our surprise when we noticed that she also lives in Santa Barbara. This led to our getting together and we were even further impressed when meeting and speaking with Gail. She is a warm-hearted and caring person with much to contribute to spreading peace in people’s lives.

Gail has recently brought out her third book “At the Core of Every Heart: Reflections, Insights, and Practices for Waking Up and Living Free”, available on Amazon.

This book is structured as 52 essays, woven around the themes of being present and paying attention to your body, your feelings and your reactions. You need to have started on the path of self-awareness and growth to understand and make use of this book, but as long as you have had a glimpse of what Dr. Brenner is writing about, these essays will be invaluable. Each essay concludes with a practice, and although you could tear through the book in an evening, it calls to be read slowly and considered. The author does not say so, but the count of 52 essays hints that you could savor each one a week at a time. You would be a very different person at the end of that year if you did so.

Gail also offers a series of guided meditations in audio format, which are available on her website. “These meditations are for you whenever you’re lost—in your mind, in stories, in agitating emotions. You’ll be guided to get out of your head and into the peace of this loving present moment.”

We highly recommend checking out Gail’s blog and all her offerings. She is another peace worker who is helping spread peace one relationship at a time.

Phil and Maude’s Friday Feature: Gail Brenner

We are excited to be announcing a new offering from PhilandMaude.com.

Occasionally on Fridays we will be either sharing guest blogs or featuring authors and speakers who work in the field of peaceful relationships.

This week we’d like to feature Dr. Gail Brenner, a licensed Ph.D. psychologist with over 20 years of experience offering psychotherapy. In her work as a therapist, she “invites people to return to their essential wholeness, to shed false identities and realize the truth of who they are. Problems are seen as opportunities; the illusion of the separate self as a doorway to enduring happiness.”

We first encountered Gail when we were looking for links for our Wednesday blog on the Successful Relationships Reading Corner, and came across a wonderful article called The Secret to Peaceful Relationships which led us to look into Gail‘s other work. She blogs for many sites including her own and has been featured on Huffington Post, Zen Habits, MindBodyGreen, Tiny Buddha, Inspire Me Today, and the Undivided Journal, to mention a few.

Imagine our surprise when we noticed that she also lives in Santa Barbara. This led to our getting together and we were even further impressed when meeting and speaking with Gail. She is a warm-hearted and caring person with much to contribute to spreading peace in people’s lives.

Gail has recently brought out her third book “At the Core of Every Heart: Reflections, Insights, and Practices for Waking Up and Living Free”, available on Amazon.

This book is structured as 52 essays, woven around the themes of being present and paying attention to your body, your feelings and your reactions. You need to have started on the path of self-awareness and growth to understand and make use of this book, but as long as you have had a glimpse of what Dr. Brenner is writing about, these essays will be invaluable. Each essay concludes with a practice, and although you could tear through the book in an evening, it calls to be read slowly and considered. The author does not say so, but the count of 52 essays hints that you could savor each one a week at a time. You would be a very different person at the end of that year if you did so.

Gail also offers a series of guided meditations in audio format, which are available on her website. “These meditations are for you whenever you’re lost—in your mind, in stories, in agitating emotions. You’ll be guided to get out of your head and into the peace of this loving present moment.”

We highly recommend checking out Gail’s blog and all her offerings. She is another peace worker who is helping spread peace one relationship at a time.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

This week’s blog is on belief and intention within relationships. Here are some articles of interest on this topic.

3 Questions To Ask Yourself Before You Enter A Relationship “Recently, I did something radical; I entered into a relationship with the intention of extending love. I consciously set the goal of peace.”

How to Attract Peaceful & Nurturing Relationships “I used to think relationships had to always be hard. Full of strife, jealousy and distrust. Subject to harsh words, crossing the line, anger and resentment. And I found myself in relationship after relationship, whether friendship or romantic, that only confirmed this…. Eventually, I just couldn’t take it anymore… I wanted peace. I wanted understanding. I wanted my relationships to feel calm, nurturing and, most of all, respectful.”

Why Are Intention and Belief Important in Relationships? This is an earlier post by us (Phil and Maude) on the same subject. “You have to believe that a peaceful non-conflictual relationship is possible before you are likely to experience it…. Once you have the belief that such a form of relating is possible, you have to make it your intention to have this in your relationship.”

 

Why Will Belief and Intention Make Your Relationship Successful?

We have a wonderful relationship. We just flow through life together. We don’t ever clash. We are never alienated. And there’s nothing complicated about what we do. There are just a few things to avoid and a few practices to do, and bingo, it works.

When we first started sharing our experiences in our first book Secrets of a Successful Relationship, we often heard comments like “Well, how is that possible,” or “You are probably just suppressing your feelings,” or “Are you guys for real?”

You just have to believe that’s how it is for us. That it’s possible. We offer our life together up to you for proof. If you need further convincing, think of other people you’ve met or read about who fit that description, even if it took them a long time to get there.

For us, it is the way it is because that’s what we want. We really, really enjoy having a peaceful, passionate, harmonious relationship, and so that’s what we have. In other words, we intend to have a relationship like this, and so that is what manifests. It’s a choice, it really is. If, say, you intend to reach Las Vegas by Thursday, exterior forces may conspire to thwart you, but in a relationship, being peaceful is an interior choice the two of you make together.

Now, it’s true that, as mentioned above there are a few practices to do, and that brings us to the answer to another comment we’ve gotten “That’s fine for you, but what do we do?”

This question in its various forms led us to write our second book How Two: Have a Successful Relationship, where we outlined our process and shared information on making this type of relating a reality in your life.

Some of the critical components to this type of relationship are:

The belief and intention to have a peaceful relationship
Matching core values
Accepting your partner as a complete, separate and unique individual
Spending time dedicated to being together
Solving problems and making decisions as a process of finding mutual solutions
Applying good communication skills e.g. active listening
Always remembering you are on the same side

We all have a bit of happily-ever-after; find it, believe it & make it a reality #quote
Click To Tweet
Applying these and other skills is important to the health of a relationship. However, belief and intention are primary. You have to be able to visualize and believe in a peaceful way of being together and then have the intent, the active decision to make it so.

Of course, the other thing you need is a partner with the same belief and intention. Someone like that may be hard to find, but knowing what you’re looking for will make it that much easier. With a partner like that, you can create a mutual vision for your relationship. This can be a wonderful and playful part of your together time and will set you on the road toward acting with awareness of the importance of harmony.

So believe it is possible. We all have a bit of happily-ever-after left inside us; find it, believe it and make it a reality.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

 

This week’s blog is on the power of touch. Here are some articles on that is important.

The Power of Touch “Touch is the first sense we acquire and the secret weapon in many a successful relationship. Here’s how to regain fluency in your first language.”

Intimacy In Relationships “One of the keys to a healthy, long-term relationship is maintaining physical intimacy. I’m not just talking about sex, though—for many reasons, non-sexual physical intimacy is just as important. For one thing, touch is a form of communication. It can reveal everything from your partner’s current mood state to their stress level.”

The Power of Touch in Your Relationship “research reported in the New York Times suggests that couples that engage in more touch report higher levels of relationship satisfaction. This might sound like common sense, but it is also a good reminder of what helps sustain successful relationships.”

Why is Touch so Important in Your Relationship?

“I was so touched by your gesture.”

“I felt for the leading character.”

“I contacted John and set up lunch.”

“I see what you mean.”

“It smells fishy to me.”

Language is full of metaphors, often drawing on the senses. In particular, touch and the emotions are so intertwined that the word “feelings” is a synonym for both.

We were sitting next to each other with our bodies gently touching, while writing our weekly blog post. We were fleshing out the main points and discussing what to communicate. It felt so close, so intimate.

The exchange of ideas is always very exhilarating, but this was more than that. It was the physical contact that was creating that sense of warmth and connection as well.

This really got us thinking about touch and the importance of the physical in that triad of relationships – body, mind and spirit.

We have often written about how helpful it is to have some physical contact when making decisions and solving problems. We have emphasized that having eye contact and sitting near each other creates a stronger sense of being heard and acknowledged when practicing active listening. These sound like very simple acts, and yet they can have a profound effect in creating an atmosphere of connection.

When you touch a body, you touch the whole person, the intellect, the spirit, and the emotions. Jane Harrington

Sexual intimacy supports many couples in staying connected and experiencing their union as active and thriving. The same can be said of sensual exchanges where massage, stroking and other forms of physical intimacy are shared.

Sex, in its physical aspect, is a celebration of all the senses, but touch is the only one that is essential to the occasion. Remove touch, leaving the other senses, and you have a porno movie with popcorn and patchouli.

In a relationship, touch is an essential part. It is how people feel connected. (There’s that metaphor again.) Studies that were done of Romanian orphans who were neglected and rarely touched showed that they developed brain abnormalities and lifelong behavioral problems.

The senses predate our neocortex and language, and the messages we get from touch are way deeper that words. We are soothed and calmed by contact with another. It gives the message that we are not alone in the universe.

And there it is: touch is one of the most critical factors in keeping that sense of intimacy and connection so necessary to successful relationships. Without it, people begin to doubt the reality of their connection.

Touch can turn around many problems without even a word being said. #quote #relationships
Click To Tweet
There are many ways to share physical contact, and different styles fit different partners. Whatever form this kind of sharing takes for you, make sure it is a regular part of your relationship. Don’t get so busy that you forget to physically connect with your partner.

To connect physically, you have to stop what you are doing and reach out toward your partner, you have to be close enough to your partner to actually make contact. The warmth and reassurance that comes from a hug, a quick kiss, your partner taking your hand while walking, sitting close enough together that your legs touch while talking together or even watching a program, all these acts are forms of physical contact that speak volumes with no words.

This is an easy, readily available and important form of letting your mate know that they are seen, heard, and appreciated. Be lavish in this area. It can turn around many problems without even a word being said. It is not a substitute for other forms of communication, but it is a wonderful way to share intimacy. So whether you’re single, celibate, playing nymph and satyr or snuggling in front of Netflix, be aware of the importance of touch. Give and receive it, and drink in the message of love and connection.

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

 

This week’s blog is a review of together.guide and the article we wrote for them on “Our Conflict-Free Relationship.” It’s hard to find articles that espouse our position directly, but these cover the important issue of communication in relationships.

Communication Between Couples: How to Communicate in a Relationship “Most people have never learned how to communicate. Without this skill, a person is handicapped in an intimate relationship. Without being able to express themselves and listen to another, partners cannot achieve intimacy. By developing your communication skills, you and your partner will be able to establish and preserve a loving, respectful relationship between two people who love each other.”

The Seven Deadly Sins of a Relationship “A reader, newly married, asked me to share my tips on how to make a marriage work. I wish I had a magic formula, but here’s a simple list of tips: spend time alone together; appreciate each other; be intimate often; talk and share and give.”

How to Communicate with Your Partner without Starting a Fight “A frequent concern couples have is how to express their disagreements without starting a fight. Learning how to communicate with your partner in a way that minimizes your partner’s defensiveness and makes it possible to have a conversation and not an argument is vital to the success of any relationship. Having a conversation and having an argument are two very different things…”

Conflict-Free Relationships are a Reality!

We recently had the honor of writing a guest article for together.guide, an interesting site aimed at supporting relationships. It has a very clean, well-designed look, and was founded by Erik Newton, an ex-divorce attorney who decided to shift his focus and help couples build healthy relationships. We highly recommend this site, which includes articles and podcasts featuring a wide variety of topics on relationships.

In our guest article “Our Conflict-free Relationship” we wrote about how different our view is on estrangement within relationships. Here’s an excerpt from the article (this week’s audio is the full article):

Our view on conflict in relationships is radically different from the common one, which holds that conflicts are unavoidable, even important and necessary. In our experience, this is a fallacious assumption that sets up and perpetuates a negative mindset. Couples are primed to expect adversarial exchanges in which they take different sides, creating an illusory separation between them. Our experience is otherwise…. When you can imagine that such a relationship is possible, a great transformation can occur…. This kind of intimacy brings the real experience of peace, which has the power to change the world.

Here’s what we wrote in our latest book “How Two: Have a Successful Relationship”:

All of us have heard over and over that conflict is inevitable within a relationship. The common view is that we must deal with this conflict and learn to work through it. We believe that the essence of this myth is false. Although well-meaning, it perpetuates the view that the partners are adversaries and on different sides, and this attitude often leads to unnecessary separateness and estrangement between couples. It reinforces differences such as gender and personality, and instead of making them something potentially positive, presents them as obstacles to be overcome. Many therapists believe in conflict , and even seem to revel in it…. We categorically reject this view. Instead, we see differences as something to celebrate, and rather than leading to an inevitable conflict , they can be a strength which helps a couple thrive.

We’ve really enjoyed what we have found on together.guide; for example, Erik writes this week about what monogamists can learn from polyamorists. We listened to a 2 part podcast by Gaby and Raj and enjoyed their sharing on the tools they’ve created and use to keep their relationship going in the direction they’ve chosen for it. There is a lot of pragmatic and novel information to use and peruse on this site. Check it out.

 

Successful Relationships Reading Corner

This week’s blog is on peace in your relationship and the world. Here are some articles on peaceful relationships.

The Secret to Peaceful Relationships “There was a time when it was very easy for me to be disappointed by other people. I can’t tell you how many times I would feel angry or let down when someone failed to do what I wanted them to do or what they agreed they would do. I would sometimes be filled with strong, uncomfortable feelings in these situations.”

10 Ways to Have Peaceful, Loving Relationships “If you’ve ever gotten in a fight only to find yourself wondering what you were really upset about, this post may help you. If you’ve ever been disappointed because someone didn’t meet your expectations, this post may help you, too. Feel walked on and unheard? You guessed it—there’s likely something in here that will help you change that.”

5 Rules for Relationship Peace “the tension that actually led to the fight itself almost always related to the deeper issues of whether the partners felt understood or valued…. So it is the nature and degree of interaction between the partners that determines how they get along. Too little interaction, or too imposing interaction, and things heat up. Both of these relationship mistakes have one thing in common. They lack mindfulness and presence.”