Adam Oster's Blog, page 34

The First Adventure of Buddy Hero

The Legend of Buddy Hero is the book of the week here at fatmogul.com and that means you can currently snatch it up for a mere 99 cents at Amazon.com.

It also means that I’m giving you some deeper insight into the background of my debut novel.

And as I promised yesterday, I’m sharing the absolute first thing I ever wrote about this character. 

Quick disclaimer – I was mighty green at writing at this point and I’m doing nearly no editing to the piece before putting it up here (outside of some formatting issues and obvious typos and whatnot).  Believe me…it was really difficult not to do a complete edit on this piece…but that wouldn’t really give you the full behind the scenes look, now would it?

“Today was yet another example of spectacular theatrics on the part of the Defense League as they once again saved the world from definite destruction,” I hear coming from the TV set over the bar. Tracy LaLane, horrendously reading from the teleprompter, seems to be taunting me from the flickering screen, going on and on about the glorious Defense League and their heroic efforts.  I find myself wanting to tear out my eyes as she continues while showing the images of this team of flamboyantly dressed freaks going about their business of saving the world.

“The threat du jour came from yet another meteor aligning with the earth’s orbit.  As always, our saviors at the Defense League were quick to act as the danger became apparent.  Colonel Courageous, ever the face of the team, held a press conference this afternoon to outline their efforts.”

The screen changes to an image of the Colonel standing in front of City Hall, surrounded by his entourage of costumed crusaders.  The frame seems to have been perfectly aligned so that it looks like the statue of Lady Justice is watching over him.  It is possible he was allowed to set up the camera angle himself?  I suppose they’ve got a pretty good PR set up over there. . . If only the world knew how Lady Justice really would view him if she was not just a statue looking down upon him.

“People of the city of Ikon,” Courageous begins, ever the one for putting on a show, “and of the rest of the world, today is yet another day that shall be entered into the history books.”

I mean seriously, the balls on this guy.  You’d think someone would be able to see through his crap, right?

“As you’re all by now aware, the planet earth was threatened again today by a giant asteroid that threatened to destroy all life on our wondrous soil. I am here to tell you that this threat has been contained.  After conferring with several of the world’s top cosmologists, it has now become understood that this will not be the last of this kind of threat upon our lives.  Although the cause of this recent continuing threat has not yet been determined, you can be certain that the Defense League will not rest until our children can feel safe.  For this reason, twelve of the League’s 15 members are being deployed into the depths of space to research the cause and the extent of this disturbance in our solar system.”

Yeah, there you go, twelve of you need to go out and check out how many big rocks are plummeting towards Earth.  I’m sure there’s nothing in it for them either.  I mean seriously, twelve?  I can’t imagine which of the three are the chumps who are going stuck behind with the rest of us. . .

Because of the obvious repercussions that will occur due to so many of the Defense League gone at one time, we are calling upon the hard-working police officers and emergency personnel to carry on in our stead.  These diligent men and women have always been the backbone to the legacy of keeping our nation safe, and I can’t imagine any better hands to leave you in.  However, the true key to our nation’s safety lies within you, the common people.  With such a tragedy on hand, I know that we can work together and feel safe.”

Jeez, now he just sounds like a parent leaving the kids with a babysitter.  How much more cocky can this guy get?  He might as well just tell us that if we’re bad while he’s gone we’re going to be grounded. Hell, I wouldn’t put it past him if he did ground us.  How the hell did this guy ever become the Icon of Ikon?

“Now, although I know it is standard procedure to answer questions after such an announcement as this, however, it is important that our operation begins immediately.  So, with that, I leave the world in your hands, good people of Earth.  Take care!”

And then in perfect unison, they all fly away.  I wonder how long they worked on that to get the image perfect?  It definitely comes off as quite the sight.  Maybe they have some sort of hand signal or something.

“Hey, BH, whatcha think about that, huh?  All yer pals jest up and left ya.” Carl, the bartender, sounds like he started smoking while he was hanging out in his mother’s womb.  All the same, he knows how to make a drink strong, and usually keeps from talking about the superhero stuff.

“Carl, come on, you know I don’t go by that name anymore.”

“Sorry, Buddy, you knows it’s alls cuz I tinks youse the best and all though, right?”

“Forget about it.”

“Fergottin’.  So’s, whatcha tinks about all dis, though?  Youse tinks they gonna find somethin’ out der in da outers spaces and whatnot?”

“I think it’s just another example of those freaks trying to lord it all over us common folks, trying to make us believe we couldn’t get by without them, you know? How do we know any of this is even real?”

“I dunno, Buddy, dat’s why I was axin’ you.  I thought dat maybes you might-”

“That’s not my life anymore, Carl.  Can we talk about somethig else?”

“Sure ting, Buddy, what youse wanna talk about?”

“How about another glass of whiskey?”

The idea for this scene, although it was never completed, was that a monster would fall from the sky and land just outside the bar.  This would happen in several places all over the city, and seeing as the big name heroes had all left (for reasons we would have later found out were just because they were going to go party or some sort of ill-conceived conspiracy theory I don’t remember anymore), it was left to Buddy and the C-Squad superheroes to save the day.

Which Buddy, of course, would do reluctantly….and drunk.

It’s rough, and nothing really happens, but this was the original concept that led me to actually coming up with the full story of The Legend of Buddy Hero.

How Buddy Hero Came to Be

For the first week of my ‘Make 2017 Great’ sale, I’m focusing on the book which started it all, The Legend of Buddy Hero.

It’s on sale right now, right this very second, right as you’re reading this.  So get yourself out there and pick up a copy for a mere 99 cents.  You’ll be glad you did!

Now, I’ve talked a lot about this book over the years.  A whole lot.  I’m proud of it.  Damned proud.

But the truth of the matter is that the only reason it came about at all is because of how I felt that I completely and utterly failed in my attempts at an entirely different form of art.

But I’ve talked about my failures in film before.  I’ve even talked about how my supportive wife told me time and again how I should turn my focus to writing a book.  And I’ve even talked about how arduous of a task putting together the first draft was.

But what I haven’t ever talked about before is how Buddy Hero existed before I decided to write a book about him.

And it all started with a silly username I gave myself, SuperOstah.

Since I was/am a fan of Superman and the general pronunciation of my name by friends at the time ended with an ‘Ah’ instead of an ‘Er’, it seemed a silly enough choice for a username.

And then I began mentally crafting a back story for him.

And then I came across a website for an upcoming MMORPG called City of Heroes.  I got fairly excited about the game, although I wouldn’t end up actually playing it until several years later (but I’ll get into that later) so I ended up spending a lot of time hanging around the forums, you know, the place where people would talk about the upcoming game and get excited about it’s development.

And then I came across the section of the forums dedicated to role playing.  To put it briefly, the idea here was that you would create a character and insert it into an on-going story, where each user would use their character to write the next part of the story.

This, right here, folks, is where I realized that I really liked writing.

And it’s also where I ended up developing a large portion of the backstory for the character which would become Kid Zero.

Soon, the beta for the game was released and I was invited to play.  I did get in a few minutes, but life got busy at approximately the same time, and so I dropped away from both the game and the site.

But I had gotten this itch.  And this character was stuck in my head.

The following years I would write little short stories and such about the character and began including other characters along with it.  Very little from those stories actually made it through the many iterations of the concept to the final phase.

And then finally, a few years later, I came across a casting call for a reality TV show called something along the lines of “Who Wants to Be a Superhero?”.  It was, at the time, being produced by MTV, Stan Lee was attached, and I was really into acting at the time, so it seemed like a perfect opportunity for me.  So, I wrote a little piece to put together for an audition video and began getting all the documents together, and then realized that I would be giving away the usage of the name SuperOstah if I signed up for this thing.  Since I had been using the name SuperOstah for this character I had been writing so many stories about, I was concerned about the idea of giving away the usage of that name, and decided I needed to come up with something new.  Something kinda cool, but ultimately too stupid for me to ever want to use for anything I would write.

The name I came up with was Kid Zero.

Shortly thereafter, I realized I really liked the name Kid Zero and he became the new version of SuperOstah, seeing as I realized that although it might be a fair username, it was a terrible character name.

Both SuperOstah and Kid Zero, at this point, actually shared a lot of similarities with the Kid Zero you’ll find in the books today, but were still worlds different from the homage to Golden Age superheroes you’ll find in the character today.

Around this same time, buddy of mine told me about a video game he had been playing and how he had an extra disc and how I should try it out.

The game was, of course, City of Heroes.

This time around, I actually got to playing quite a bit.  So much, in fact, that I created several characters.  At one point, I wanted to test something which could have terrible results if done to a character I was actually using, so I created a test character just for the purposes of doing one thing and then dumping him.  I dressed him in an incredibly obnoxious bright green outfit and called him by the first two words which popped in my head.  Buddy Hero.

It wasn’t too long after I stopped playing that game (mostly because of being busy, but also because games like that get way too repetitive way too quickly) when I began trying to write some stories again.  And I came up with this idea of a washed up superhero.  A guy who used to be the greatest, but now just drank his life away at a bar.  The superhero version of Raging Bull.

And who came to mind, but Buddy Hero himself.

This right here, folks, is where the actual start of The Legend of Buddy Hero began.

So, I wrote a little story, never even fully completed, to encapsulate this idea I had come up with.  And it just so happens that I still have that story.

And I’m going to share it with you tomorrow.

But for today, why don’t you pick up a copy of what that story became.  I promise you’ll love it!

Have fun out there!

The ‘Make 2017 Great’ Sale!

It’s been fairly well accepted that 2016 was a terrible year.  Between the loss of dozens of beloved iconic personalities, Brexit, the US presidential election, and a list of things I just don’t feel like taking the time to complete, it was pretty darn bad.

On a personal level, there were more than enough struggles happening which led to a year of very little writing and absolutely no book releases and a whole lot of other things I just don’t want to get into in this forum.

But I aim to make 2017 great.  Sure, we’ve got a new president who I’m really not a ‘yuge’ fan of (to say the extremely very little least)and a political arena that is, quite frankly, absolutely hostile and terrifying  at the moment.  Really, I could list off plenty of things to show how this year is not proving to be an improvement on the last.

But I aim to change all that.  Today, right now, as you’re reading this, I’m starting my first day at my new job, working from home once again, and I’m feeling mighty darn positive about my personal 2017 while also feeling that I need to help make sure that everyone else’s 2017 is just as great.

So, I’m doing a sale.  (Yeah, I know, cheap versions of my books hardly compensate for much…but it’s a start…maybe?)

But not just your old regular push a button on a website and things are all cheaper type of sale.  No, I’m want to have a bit more fun than that.

You see, although I haven’t done a lot of writing over the past year, I have taken the opportunity to go through my already released novels and put a hefty helping of polish on them, making them shimmer like never before.

In fact, I’m so absolutely proud of these new editions of the books that I’m putting each and every one of them on sale.

But, instead of just putting them all out there in a big lump, each week for the next six weeks, one of my books will be on sale and get some extra special focus here on the site.  That means I’ll  talk a bit about the inspiration behind the books, a bit about how the books morphed from the initial concept to the final version, and, most importantly, a bit about how the stories might continue past the final page.

And for that entire week, the book of the week will be on sale for the low low price of 99 cents!

Because I’m happy, I’m feeling good, and I’m ready to give you a reason to enjoy 2017 as much as I intend to.

Stay tuned later to learn about this week’s book of the week!

Have fun out there!

Book Review: When Time Comes by Cat Nicolaou

The author sent me this book, When Time Comes, asking me if I’d give it a read and review it.  And me, being the guy I am, did.

Okay, standard disclaimer for this type of book, I just can’t get into the romance genre.  And this book is most definitely aligned deep within the wish-fulfillment world of perfect love of the romance genre.

Separating myself from my inability to really ‘get’ romance novels is difficult, but I’ll attempt to do so for the purposes of this review.

Because, you see, this is a well written book.  The characters are developed, the scene is set, and the picture is painted quite clearly.  There is even a little bit of drama revolving around the will they or won’t they ever get to their happily ever after, so it’s probably not entirely wish-fulfillment fiction…but pretty darn close.

Sorry…I promise I’ll leave my comments regarding the genre itself out of it from here on out.

A young woman finds out her favorite musician is coming to Greece (the country she resides in, in case that’s not apparent here), and is overly excited about getting to see him in concert for the first time ever.  On the fifteen hour ferry ride to the island of Rhodes to see the concert, who does she happen to run across but the musician himself!

An attraction develops between the two of them quickly, and a whirlwind of a weekend ensues, but at the end, neither seem capable of revealing their true feelings and …

Sheesh, I’m really bad at this.

Bottom line:  If you like reading romance novels, this is a spectacular example of the genre, one of the few I’ve ever been able to actually make my way through.  It’s solidly composed and should be something any fan of the genre would absolutely fall in love with.

I’m giving it a three out of five stars, which is by far the highest rating I’ve ever given a romance novel.  And that rating has nothing to do with the skill of Ms. Nicolaou, but purely due to the fact that I just can’t fully get into the genre itself.

As an added bonus, an additional short story is included after the main novel to give you yet another example of Nicolaou’s spectacular way with words.

Seriously, if you like this type of book, you’ll love this book.  I’m certain of it.

Buy it now!

Book Review: Ayahuasca by Jonathan Huls

The author sent me this book and asked if I might be willing to give it a read and a review. And me, being the guy who can’t turn down a free book, took him up on it.

Also, me being the guy who doesn’t actually do any sort of reading up on books to know what they are about or what sort of genre they are or anything before beginning to read a book, went into it completely unawares of what I was about to find.

I don’t know if I can quite suggest you go into this book quite as unaware.

It’s a good book, possibly even a great book.  It’s incredibly well written, the concept is novel, and I can honestly say that I don’t think I’ve read anything quite like it before.

That being said, there are certain parts of this book that are quite unsettling.  If I hadn’t agreed to read and review the book ahead of time, I’m fairly certain I would have set the book down never to pick it up again at numerous stops along the path toward the final resolution.

But the real question here is, should you read it?

If you can handle some unsettling imagery regarding death and dismemberment (not a large amount, mind you, just enough to definitely stick out in your mind), then yes, I would wholeheartedly suggest you read this book.

Now here’s the issue…the reasons I would suggest you read this book (outside of the fact that it is quite well written and very good at pulling you deeper into the story, even when discussing rather disgusting events) are reasons I don’t know I should actually reveal.  They’re something of surprises that you find along the way.  Even the official description of the book doesn’t really give you a good idea of what you’re getting into.

So, when you start reading it, all you get is that there was some sort of plane crash, and a journal discussing excitement about an event called only G-88.  G-88 is talked about quite heavily throughout the text, but isn’t actually explained until the moment the event comes up.  Things actually start to fall into place quite well at that point, but until then, I’ll admit that I really couldn’t gather how all these pieces fit together.

Or maybe I just didn’t want to.

Huls takes a rather standard story type, specifically that of a coming-of-age style road trip and turns it on its side a bit, giving us a glimpse of what the world of white privilege can look like at its worse, at how a couple of young boys can be absolute sociopaths simply because they come up in a house where nothing is really expected of them.

Of how boredom can lead men to absolute insanity…while still allowing them to appear to be completely normal human beings.

Ayahuasca contains two of my least favorite protagonists of all time.  All I wanted was for someone to come around and put a bullet in their heads from nearly page one…But I really had a hard time putting it down, even when I really really wanted to.

So, if you like having yourself challenged in a read, I’d definitely say this is a book for you.  If you like books where the winners are spotless and the bad guys wear black hats, then this probably isn’t one you want to pick up.

Buy it now!

Fat Mogul vs. The World Showcase

I just returned from a last minute solo trip to Disney World.

And the entire world says, “What, why?”

I’m not going to go into a lot of details, but ultimately, the last couple years have been mighty stressful for the Oster family.  And after utilizing the opportunity to take a trip sans family for herself, my wife suggested I do the same.

So, I slowly began the process of trying to determine where I might go, who I might go with, and came up with a few options, and also a few bites from friends/family who were at least mildly interested in taking a trip with me.  I was working through the process slowly, not feeling too rushed.

And then something happened.  Something I can’t quite announce officially yet.  Something which meant I couldn’t wait any longer.

If I didn’t do it right away, it wasn’t going to happen.

So, after a great deal of hemming and hawing and keeping my finger hovered above the PURCHASE VACATION button, I made the decision to take a solo trip to Disney World.  Two days of traveling, one day in the parks.

Reason for Disney World?

The simple answer: I love it there.

The slightly longer answer: Places like Las Vegas, Memphis, New York, or many other options I considered just felt like they ran a high risk of not being nearly as fun as a solo traveler.

The ultimate reason: To strike off my bucket list item of Drinking Around the World Showcase.

Drinking Around the World Showcase (which we will now abbreviate as DAWS), entails having a drink at each of the eleven countries held within EPCOT’s World Showcase over the course of one park operating day.

As a Wisconsinite, the idea of having eleven drinks over the course of approximately twelve hours didn’t sound all that crazy.  The only reason I had never completed it on our previous trips was because I had kids in tow.

So, I figured in order to make it a real challenge, I should up the ante a bit.  I looked around and found that the restaurant within the Germany pavilion serves liters of beer and quickly came to the final details of my challenge.

I would have my first drink with breakfast at France at around 9am.  Then, after doing some rides and whatever else, I would get to Mexico at approximately noon and make my way around the other countries, winding up at Germany at 6:30 for dinner and a liter of beer.

Now, outside of the breakfast mimosa, I was looking at 9 drinks over the course of six and a half hours, followed by an incredibly large drink.

That felt a bit more challenging.  Not quite imposing, but definitely something to put my talent for alcohol consumption to the test.

I got into Florida around 3pm on Sunday.  With little else to do, I decided to stretch my liver and kidneys a bit by checking out a few of the bars hiding outside of the parks.  Specifically an Indiana Jones themed bar at Disney Springs called Jock Lindsay’s Hangar Bar, a magic-themed bar at the Boardwalk Inn called Abracadabar, and the well-hidden, yet beloved treasure at the Polynesian Village known as Trader Sam’s Grog Grotto.

Things were actually going fairly well at the Hangar Bar.  I had a couple of drinks and a late lunch, but since there wasn’t any space at the bar, I was seated alone at a table and they rushed me through my meal and I was out the door within an hour.

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I then went off to do some souvenir shopping for the family and by the time I had arrived at my second location, I was still feeling quite clear-headed.

At the Abracadabar, I actually managed to find a seat at the bar itself and since I was being amused by my fellow bar patrons, as well as the bartenders, I actually found it difficult to want to leave, meaning that by the time I actually forced myself off the bar stool, I had already managed to consume over half of the number of drinks I intended to drink the following day.

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I finally managed to get extract myself from one bar to reach my final destination (easily my new favorite place to drink in the world…well…not the world…but the Disney World anyways), Trader Sam’s.

Here, the bar was full as well, so I sat down at a table and ordered my first drink and some food.

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Once I completed that, a spot at the bar opened up…and then bad decisions happened.

You see, I looked over and saw the guy who was sitting next to me nearly on the floor.  Not because of alcohol consumption, but because the bar stools were trick chairs, and the bartenders had decided to lower his as far as it could go.  This moment is when I first got to talk to Morrie, the man who convinced me to drink The Nautilus (a drink to be shared between at least two people) by myself…The man who almost killed my chances at completing the DAWS challenge.

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These two drinks were not, in any way, necessary.  Before I had even arrived at the bar stool, I could have just gone back to the hotel and gone to sleep in preparation for the coming event.  I also have to admit that I’m not completely certain these two are the only drinks I had once sitting down next to Morrie, as we closed out the bar (a Disney first for this guy).

So, it’s obvious.  I consumed much more than I had intended to (should have) that night.  Even worse, due to my want to showcase my DAWS successes to the world, I posted each drink I consumed to Facebook, meaning my friends and family were all aware of the bad choices I was making that very night.

So when I posted this picture the following morning:

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Everyone understandably believed me to be quite terribly  hung over.

It’s a fair assumption, but I was actually feeling mighty amazing.  I had woken up an hour before I had my alarm set for and was out of my hotel room by 7:30am, ready to take on the day.  The face in the picture was merely to mimic the intensity of the main man himself, Donald Duck.

At this point, I was confident.  I knew I was going to kick this challenge in the nethers and come out the other end feeling absolutely fine.

I arrived at EPCOT fifteen minutes before the park even opened (another first for me), got myself a coffee while I waited for things to open up, took a trip on the new Frozen ride (yeah…I know…but the effects are amazing, seriously), and then finally made my way to France for breakfast and some champagne-laced orange juice.

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And that’s where things started going south.

I can’t specifically say that this attempted hair of the dog was the culprit, but I know that within an hour, I began to feel the effects of a terrible hangover.

I wasn’t too concerned, as I had scheduled some time on some rides between this drink and the rest of them, so I was certain the feeling would pass.

As I climbed into the seat of my last ride before heading to Mexico, I knew the challenge was going to be a real struggle.  It probably didn’t help that the ride was Mission: Space, a simulator which rockets you into space, around the moon, and finally lands you on Mars, all through the power of spinning you around really really fast.

I didn’t end up needing them, but I definitely had my eyes on those special bags they leave in there for those who might have trouble with their lunches attempting to reach escape velocity.

I got off the ride, grabbed a bite to eat (delaying things), and went to Mexico.  Then I went to ride the ride in there (further delaying with a slow, dark, boat ride) before finally heading to their Margarita bar.  I looked at the menu with a fairly green face, which is probably why the bartender suggested an avocado margarita.

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I’ll be honest with you, this seemed to help.  I didn’t feel amazing and I was definitely taking it slowly, but it caused me to feel better.  I’m chalking it up to the fatty nature of avocados.

So, I hopped over to China where I changed up my plans from a rather hefty sounding drink called Tipsy Ducks in Love, to a rather tame sounding Cantaloupe Vodka.

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It was good, but my stomach began churning yet again.  Three drinks in and I was already doubting whether I wanted to complete this challenge.  I was an hour behind my original schedule and couldn’t envision drinking another eight drinks.

I came to the America pavilion and found they were offering a new drink which consisted of sipping chocolate with a shot of Chambord.  I had high hopes the chocolate itself might soothe my stomach’s woes.

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It didn’t.

I even chased it with a nice bready pretzel to try and makes things better.  But I simply did not.

This was when I first sent a message to my wife stating how I was fairly certain I wasn’t going to make it.

I wasn’t completely ready to give up yet, so I decided that I’d take a bit of break and head off to ride a few of the rides I didn’t fit in earlier (slow, dark rides…)

I knew the hour or so I was taking off wouldn’t help my cause of actually finishing with a liter of beer at Germany at 6:30, but I would still be able to complete the official challenge if I finished by nine.

I rode the rides and still didn’t feel all that great, but decided to go to Canada and try for a beer and see if I perhaps the added water content might help things.

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And it totally did.  I still wasn’t feeling amazing, but was feeling a heckuva lot better than before.  So, I followed it up with another in the UK.

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I was feeling pretty amazing at this point, so I figured now was the time to do the one thing that terrified me the most of the rest of the countries, the Aquavit from Norway.

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Yeah, they have beer available, but this shot is one of the unspoken rules of the DAWS challenge. It’s almost like if you don’t do this, you haven’t really done anything.

I downed it…and it stayed down.  And I still felt good, so I moved on throughout the rest of the countries, sticking with beer, as any responsible drinking would:

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Italy, Morocco, and Japan went down nice and easy, and as I was finishing up my last sips, I saw it was time for dinner.

I had made it!

And as I headed to dinner, this sense of accomplishment washed over me.  I knew I could fit one more beer in me.

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But I didn’t believe in myself for a whole liter of beer.

In retrospect, I probably would have been just fine if I had gone for a whole liter, but I don’t feel any less of a success without it.

I managed to make it all around the world.  And it all stayed down.  And I didn’t even get picked up by the Magic Police for doing something completely inappropriate or illegal or whatever…I’m pretty sure that’s because I didn’t do any such things.

After I finished my dinner/beer, I wandered around EPCOT for a few more hours until they closed, made my way back to the hotel, and put myself to sleep…

And honestly, although I wasn’t feeling amazing the next morning, I wasn’t feeling as terrible as I probably should have, considering how I had consumed 20 alcoholic beverages (if you’re counting the nautilus appropriately, it’s at least 22) over the course of approximately 27 hours.

I arrived home about eight hours after I woke up and was greeted with my own very special medal!

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It says, “You drank all around the world”.

And I did.

But I don’t think I’d do it again.  I’d much more prefer sipping and enjoying just a few drinks over the course of a long period of time than what happened over the course of my 2-day binge.

However, I did just learn about a challenge to ride all 47 rides at Disney World over the course of one day…

 

Guest Post: To Ibiza or to Infinity (and Beyond)? An Intergalactic Holiday Guide

Quick note from Adam:  Hey folks, I know this is a bit odd for me.  I don’t generally have much for guest posts in general, much less ones which aren’t from authors looking to sell books.  But you know what, the folks at Cruise Club UK sent me this post and I found it absolutely adorable and thought, “Why not?”  I have no connections with this organization, have done absolutely no business with them (you know, outside of talking about this guest spot), so don’t take this post as a recommendation of their services.  I did do some research on them and they appear to be on the up and up, and very friendly to talk to, but I’d still suggest doing your own research, as I would suggest with all interactions with online (and offline) businesses.  That being said, if you’re looking for a cruise, and from the UK, I would highly suggest giving this travel agency a look.  They at least have a fantastic taste in books…

To Ibiza or to Infinity (and Beyond)?  An Intergalactic Holiday Guide

2017 has just begun. If you’re wondering where to holiday this year, why limit yourself to this earthly realm when there are whole galaxies out there to explore?

With the advent of cheap global travel, the whole world is at our fingertips. With a little saving of our pennies and a few hours on a plane or boat, we can visit almost anywhere. It’s all accessible to us. Perhaps too accessible.

If you’re feeling uninspired by your options, if BA first class to Madagascar is mundane and even a luxury NCL Cruise to the Bahamas’ banale, step outside the box with us and allow your imagination to wander off not only our planet, but out of our galaxy and into a completely different dimension.

Using our decades of experience as travel experts, along with our love of fantasy and science-fiction, the Cruise Club team have put together a must-visit guide of intergalactic travel destinations, inspired by our favourite films, books and shows. After all, when there’s so much technology untapped and so many solar systems to explore, who’s to say these places aren’t out there and we won’t visit one day?

A WEEKEND OF CULTURE

Vogsphere – Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

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It’s no Rome, but if you’re a fan of tourism based around bad poetry, such as a William McGonagall pilgrimage to Edinburgh, then you’ll love a trip to the Vogsphere. Although the worst poetry in the universe is still regarded to be by Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings, she’s from Essex, which is hardly going to sound like an impressive holiday in your Christmas newsletter. The Vogons, however, pride themselves on writing the third worst poetry in the Universe. As Jennings is from Essex, the Vogsphere is probably a more exciting holiday prospect.

If you’d rather somewhere a little more classic for a short cruise, try a visit to Milliways: the restaurant at the end of the universe where you can watch the Gnab Gib — the opposite of the big bang — while eating delicious food. Or how about a holiday on the Frogstar? Described by the holiday brochure as ‘Sun, Sand, and Suffering on the Most Totally Evil Place in the Galaxy’, the kids would really learn to behave on a trip to the Frogstar, that’s for sure.

BEST CITY BREAK

Coruscant – Star Wars

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You might need more than a weekend for this city break. After centuries of war and destruction, most of the galaxy far, far away isn’t going to make any top ten lists of holiday destinations. Coruscant, though, is a bustling metropolis that makes Tokyo and Hong Kong look like villages. With skyscrapers a thousand stories high, we haven’t even begun to develop the structural architecture to allow us to build such towering structures. It may not be somewhere you want to live (if Beijing is bad for pollution, I don’t even want to imagine Coruscant’s carbon emissions rating), but it would be a fascinating trip for a weekend.

We’re still a long way from the technology to explore other galaxies, so while you wait for NASA to hone their skills, why not cruise from the UK or US to Hong Kong instead? It’s not Coruscant, but you’ll still feel like an ant in the shadow of Hong Kong’s buildings — and you won’t have to worry about the Empire blowing you to smithereens mid-voyage. Bonus!

THE NUMBER ONE TROPICAL VACATION

Risa – Star Trek

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Endor in Star Wars may have been competition for Risa as a tropical holiday destination, but after the ending of The Return of the Jedi which might have left the Ewoks extinct, there’s a strong chance you’ll just find an empty planet. Although bad for Endor, this leaves Risa firmly planted in the number one spot.

A mere 90 lightyears from Earth, Risa is also known as the ‘pleasure planet’. It’s been popular with tourists since the 22nd century — so not too long for us until we can experience it. Risa originally had a climate not unlike the west of Ireland, as it was dismal and rain-soaked, with the added bonus of a tropical climate and frequent Earthquakes. Unlike the Irish, however, who seem to have a booming tourist economy regardless, the Risians transformed their world with a sophisticated weather control network. This provides nearly constantly desirable weather and its seismic regulators eliminate the geological instability for optimum tourist comfort.

Until the 22nd century arrives, cruise off to a tour of Ireland to experience a colder, pre-climate-controlled, more seismically stable version of Risa, or cruise to Taiwan for a sub-tropical and damp climate that experiences regular seismic shaking. Both, like Risa, are infamous for their abundant amount of rain and incredibly friendly locals.

TOP NCL CRUISE FOR 2017 3017

Mars – In our own Milky Way

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Mars may not be fictional (on clear nights you can see it shining down on us, tinged with red) but visiting is still something in our imagination. Considering a whopping 200,000 people applied for a one-way ticket to be among the first people to colonise Mars, imagine how many more would want to go on a cruise that would then come back? Even film director Werner Herzog, in his recent documentary Lo and Behold, Reveries of the Connected World, said without hesitation that he would want to visit. Celebrities have been throwing money at the few remaining seats on the Virgin Space Voyage, hoping to be among the first ever space tourists.

Large cruise companies such as NCL Cruises and Azamara Cruises aren’t yet looking at expanding onto the space travel market. Outer Space voyages are still a sphere dominated by billionaire entrepreneurs, such as Richard Branson and Elon Musk. When space travel becomes possible, though, it’s a logical expansion. Imagine a future where, when you log onto a cruise deals website, you don’t just have to choose between Hong Kong and Dubai, but you can look at the Moon, at Mars, the moons of Jupiter and beyond? With so many possibilities out there, where would you go?

Author Bio: Paul Edge, director of Cruise Club UK , has spent over 25 years working to improve the travel industry. When not in the office, he’s on a Cruise from the UK relaxing on the deck with Ford Prefect, Captain Spock and a couple of Wookies.

Q&A: How do You Get Published?

I, rather often, have people contact me because they want to get into writing and would love to know my experiences.

Invariably, when this happens, I feel hesitant to respond.  The messages usually involve some version of “Hi, I’ve started writing a book and want to know how you go about getting published.”  Sometimes they’re more specific in their questions than that, sometimes less.  But the bottom line of the questions that come to me is basically, “how do I get people to buy my books?”

And my knee jerk reaction is always to say, “They won’t!”

Officially, I don’t actually give them that answer, but that’s what I want to say.

And I know it’s a rather pessimistic response, especially considering I have people reading my books all around the world.  I’m not a runaway success or anything though.  Amazon just told me yesterday that they didn’t like that I had best seller as one of the keywords for one of my books because it’s not accurate.

But people do read AND buy my books.  Pretty regularly.  And they generally seem to enjoy them and come back for more.

So why is the response I want to give so immediately negative?

For the answer to that, I feel like I need to take you back. Way back.  To five and a half years ago when I finished the first draft of my first novel, The Legend of Buddy Hero (buy it now!).  After a decade of conceptualizing the novel, I had finally gotten to a point in my life where I just needed to force myself to sit down and write it.  The writing process took me two years.  So, you can imagine that when I finally put those last words to the page, I had this feeling of being done.

Actually, you don’t have to imagine it.  I began this blog that same week and began outlining everything I went through from that point forward.

However, instead of making you trudge through years of terrible blog posts, I’ll take you through the highlights of the first few years I had as a writer with a “completed” novel.

When I finished the first draft of The Legend of Buddy Hero, I knew it needed some editing and dived right back in nearly immediately.  But at the same time, I began seeking representation.

This is mistake number one.

Getting yourself published through traditional means is an uphill battle.  Just convincing an agent or publisher to actually take a look at your book is nearly impossible, so, if you send them something that isn’t absolutely pristine, you may as well consider yourself blackballed.  I’m not saying that the industry has some list of names of annoying authors who sent them first drafts somewhere so they know to avoid them, but I haven’t proven they don’t.

But seriously, the response rates from agents just saying they’ll give your book a read is in the single digit percentage points.  How terrible would it be that they get to the first page and see that you can’t even keep the main character’s name spelled the same way in the same paragraph?

As should be expected, although I was very positive going in that *someone* would find my book interesting and choose to put some money behind it, I got shut down time and time again.

I did manage to get three agents to actually read at least a part of the book, but they came back pretty quickly with responses on how it just didn’t seem finished.

My response to this, at first, was rather pathetic. I decided that I must not have had a trendy enough book and made some modifications, such as (at one point) turning the whole thing into a young adult novel (which, for the record, goes completely against the mid-life crisis message I built it off of).  I thought my issue was marketability.

I was wrong.

I finally decided that agents and publishers had it out for me and I decided then and there that I would venture out on my own with self publishing.

This happened a mere five months after I had completed the first draft.

The first draft of the book took me two years, yet over the course of five months, I went through 6 edits, some of which involved changing the entire tone of the book, sat around waiting for responses from agents, which would take upwards of a month (during which I was completely incapable of doing any sort of writing/editing), before finally doing the type-setting and cover design that led to me releasing the book to the wild.

This was another bad mistake.

And I wouldn’t realize it until three months later, when at a Thanksgiving party with the in-laws, I overheard someone reading the book out-loud, unaware that it was written by me, and I realized that it was absolutely terrible (teachable moment here: during at least one of your edits, read the whole book out loud.  I cannot stress this enough).

I took it down from Amazon before the day ended.

And then broke down completely.

For months I felt absolutely worthless about the whole thing.  I came to the determination that I could never be a writer.  That I was a fraud as well as a failure.

But when I was able to face the daylight again, I put myself back to work.  On a completely different book.  The one you’ll know as The Agora Files.  And this time, I was on a mission.  I finished the first draft in thirty days.  I had become so incredibly inspired by what I was working on, and had learned so many tricks from the two years of writing the first book, that I flew through that first draft.

But then I did something.

I set it aside. (well, to be completely honest, I again made the mistake of attempting to sell this first draft book to agents and publishers, as I hadn’t learned my lesson quite yet, but I did this concurrently with the following)

And I returned to The Legend of Buddy Hero.

And I ripped it to shreds.

The basic concept and plot and characters are all there, although some of the characters (especially Kid Zero) are completely unrecognizable from their originally released version, but I took every single page of that book and made it new.  Fresh.  A completely different book.

The original release was this dark emotional saga.  The final version still has its emotional backdrop, but brought back the comic satire which was the original inspiration.

And a year later, I finally felt like I had really done something amazing with this book.  I determined that I had really made it to a point where this thing shined like a diamond.

Over the course of the six months following my completion of the first draft of The Agora Files, I poured every ounce of myself into making this book something special.  Something new.

But I still hadn’t really learned my lesson.  As I immediately went right back to my old standard and began shipping out emails to everybody I could find in the industry and attempted to convince them to read my book.

And again, rejections abounded.  I don’t have the numbers anymore, but I’m going to say that I may have had 2 people respond with any sort of interest out of the 200+ people I sent emails to.  Those two didn’t even care to ask for the whole manuscript.

I felt rather lost at this point.  And so I sought out advice.  And I found a now-defunct website for author collaboration.  It promised the possibility of having your book read by someone in power at Harper-Collins, but that wasn’t why I was there.  I was there to try and find out if my book had any merit.  I wanted to know if there was some way to make it better.  To make it sellable.

Ultimately, I wanted to know why I couldn’t get anyone in the industry to read my books.

And I came across an amazing group of authors who were all struggling with the exact same thing.  And I learned that many of them found my writing to be solid.  Engaging.  Funny.  And more than worthwhile to read.

And I gained my confidence back.

And, more importantly, I learned a little something about myself.

You see, I had used my unhappiness in my career as a motivational tool to write, but the reason I needed to write was because I needed the creative outlet.  Because I had stories to tell.  My motivation became my reason.  I had become so focused on changing my career, that at too many points in the process, I had forgotten about the artistry.  I had overlooked how writing had actually made my career bearable.

It would take me another six months before I finally felt comfortable releasing the book into the wild again.  This time without looking for representation, without thinking about the money, just looking to have people read my books.  And the immediate response was overwhelmingly positive.  Easily one of the best weeks of my life.

And this, all of this above, which is an incredibly abridged version of the full story, is what goes through my head the second someone asks me how to get published when they don’t even have a book written.  And, to be fair, even when they do have a book written.

Success stories for authors are the exception.  Most authors today live out their days in relative obscurity, writing in the wee hours of the night obsessively, instead of writing as an actual bill-paying career.  But there are more books written today than at any other point in history.  Many, I’m sure, are written for the same reason so many people quit school and move to Hollywood, or start garage bands, or start filming themselves and putting it up on youtube.  They want to get famous.  They don’t have anything to say, they just want validation.  Love.  Fame.

But so many more, like myself (although I got distracted by the idea of money), write because they have something they want to say.

I can’t suggest writing for the purposes of getting published.  You may find success, but the path to get there will be a painful one.

Instead, I suggest writing because you have a story to tell.  When you finish it.  And edit it.  And then edit it again.  And then find complete strangers you can convince to read it and have them tear it apart.  And then edit it again.  And then set it aside for a month or so.  And then read it out loud.  Take notes.  Edit it again.  And then probably a few more times after that.

And once you get there…then you can consider your options for publication.  The options are far wider than I ever allowed myself during my time of trying to find representation.  I hunted after the biggest and best agents and publishers.  But there are so many smaller groups.

Or…if you want to have a true adventure, self-publish.

This is the basic response I give when I’m asked how to get published.  To perfect the writing first.  To write until you can’t write anymore.  And then write more.  And to take risks with your writing.  But just keep writing until your fingers and heart are literally raw with the effort.

Art shouldn’t be about money.  Whenever it is, it ultimately falls short.  Art should be about expression.  It needs to be an act of love.  It needs to be art.

So, the question you really should be asking is not how do I get published, but how do I get better as a writer.  And there are really only two steps: 1. Write constantly.  2. Get all the negative feedback you can and use it to make you stronger.

And there’s a third, also important, thing which you need to be able to do as an author.  Be patient.  If you give your 800 page fantasy tome to someone to read, the likelihood is that they won’t finish it by the end of the week.  Or the end of the month.  It could be years in some cases.  Waiting for my children to be born was nothing compared to waiting to see if someone liked one of my books.

I have no clue if you’ll get published.  I have many author friends who have been published.  Only one of them, when talked to directly about their experiences, appears to have much more success than I do as a self-published author.  And they put a lot more effort into selling their books than I do.  I don’t think it’s because my books are any better, or that their publishers are all that bad.  I believe it’s simply due to book sales being a crap shoot.

But I would never talk someone out of writing.  It is one of the most fulfilling things I’ve ever done, hovering near being a father and husband.

I only hope to keep people from thinking, like I naively did 5.5 years ago, that the first draft is the hard part.  The first draft is the fun part.  If I could, I’d just write first drafts over and over again.

(and I have…)

Enjoy the outlet.  Enjoy the creativity.  You can worry about what to do with the book when you’ve finished it.  For now, just write!

At the Flip of a Coin

Today marks 10 years since the day I asked my wife to marry her (it actually came around last Friday, but internet issues and a busy schedule delayed me posting this).

That’s a pretty huge deal.  And to mark this occasion, I’ve determined now is the time to reveal what actually happened on that fateful night when we flipped a coin to decide whether we would spend the rest of our lives together.

Okay, maybe I should back up a bit…

I was in an incredibly bad state when I first met my wife.  I had been recently dumped by a girl I had been dating for over four years.  A girl I was sure I was going to marry.  I was devastated.  Certain no one could ever stay with me.  Completely sure I couldn’t trust anyone with my love.  The fact that the relationship had actually been a rather bad one, at least toward the end, didn’t play into my feelings toward it.  Although it probably didn’t help how terrified I was of jumping into any new relationships.

Throughout the three years from the moment I began dating my now-wife to the day I finally popped the question, my now-wife spent a lot of time trying to talk to me about the idea of marriage.  She was sold on the idea of us making ourselves official pretty darn early on in the process of our dating.  I was petrified by such an idea.

Just a few months prior to meeting my now-wife, I had been certain I was going to marry the girl I had been dating for four years.  In fact, when she broke up with me, I came to the conclusion it was due to how I had been dragging my feet in actually popping the question.  I was so sure of this idea that I actually attempted to call her father to ask if he would give me his blessing so I could ask her right away and fix the issue.  Luckily for me, he didn’t answer and my proposal ended up being nothing more than a vague suggestion later in the day which was responded to with a definitive negative response.

It didn’t actually take me all that long to realize she had been right in her response.  Marriage would have been a terrible plan for us.  But learning I was so wrong about this relationship, about how it would work on the long term basis of marriage, terrified me.  If I had been so wrong then, how could I not be wrong any time I thought I could spend my life with someone.

Because of this, whenever my now-wife would bring up the topic of marriage, I would shut her down.  Some of our worst (and nearly only) fights ever were completely based around how I wouldn’t even discuss marriage with her.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I knew I loved her.  I told her as much pretty early on in our relationship.  I was the actually first to say the words.  But I was incapable of making such a huge decision.  Incapable of even considering it.

Things finally changed when I came to a point in my occupational life where I realized I needed to make a change and I started looking at schools.  I fell in love with a school which would require me to move across the country.

Upon revealing my interest in this school, my now-wife noted that if I expected her to move across the country with me, I should at least be willing to talk about marriage.  To converse about making things official.  To give her a reason to believe she wouldn’t be stuck on the other side of the country being broken up with by the guy who made her move.

And, considering I ended up in Wisconsin because of a very similar situation, I couldn’t fault her.  And for the first time in over three years, I allowed myself to consider the idea of marriage.

And when I did, the answer came to me almost immediately.  I don’t believe I even spent a whole day considering it.  I actually remember precisely where I was when I came to the realization that there wsa only one answer to the question.

I had to marry her.

This happened on my way out the door from a performance for a show about a murder at a wedding where I played the groom.  After spending an evening in a tuxedo exchanging vows with a different blonde girl, I walked out to my car, and came to the conclusion right there, standing next to the dumpster with “BUSH LIES” spray painted on it.  This moment stands out in my mind much more vividly than the proposal itself even.

So, that night, sitting together on the couch in her apartment, I gave her my biggest smile before getting down on one knee and asking her to marry me.  I had considered a much bigger affair, but now that I knew what I wanted, I couldn’t wait to develop something bigger.

I couldn’t even wait to get a ring.  I needed to ask her as soon as I could.  I needed to make it official.

And do you know what happened when I got down on that knee and said those infamous four words?

She scowled at me.

Because, you see, as far as she was concerned, I was still that guy who didn’t talk about marriage.  To her, this moment was not an honest gesture.  If anything, I was poking fun at her.

However, I was smart enough to realize this would be her response.  I knew that she wouldn’t take my proposal seriously.  But I also knew something else.  I knew it was meant to be.  And I had prepared for precisely this moment.

So, I asked her, “What if we flip a coin?  You choose heads or tails and if you get it, we’ll get married.”

She scoffed at me, saying something along the lines of, “I’m not going to *make* you marry me based on a coin flip.”

I smiled and reminded her I had just asked her to marry me and, after a fair amount of coercion, she relented and decided to humor me with the coin flip.

She called heads, and the coin came up heads.  And so, again, I got down on the knee and asked her to marry me.

She turned me down.

I suggested we flip again, best two out of three.  She sighed in frustration, but ultimately decided to humor me.  So I flipped it, she called heads, and again it came up heads.  And she shut me down before I could even fully get down on the knee again.

I looked her in the eyes and said, “I want to marry you.  I will marry you.  And I am so certain of it, that I don’t care how many times I flip this coin, it will always come up us.”

And I flipped the coin again.  And again it came up heads.

My proposal may not be as grand as some.  It may not be as romantic as many.  But it was a gesture of confidence.  A confidence I hadn’t been able to show for much of our relationship.

I knew this was meant to be.  Not only would my fear of marriage not be able to stop it, but neither would the randomness of a flipping coin.

And I haven’t regretted that decision a single day since.

I kept that penny in my pocket for years until we finally moved into our own home where I placed it in a framed picture of the two of us from our wedding. Unfortunately, it’s somehow managed to move itself outside of the frame, hiding from even the most detailed of search.  I only hope it’s gone off to help someone else find their happiness as it helped me find mine.

(Also, for the record, no, it was not a two-headed penny.)

Book Review: Dog Walker by Jack McGuigan

Disclaimer: I received a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

Ben Carter walks dogs for a living, which makes the opening to this book appear rather mellow.  Sure, he might get attacked every once in a while, but the majority of his day appears to be picking up behind greyhounds with over-active bowels.

But things change rather quickly when he begins walking a little dog who goes by the name of Toby.

He’s quickly thrust into a world of demons and cultists and a luchador from Japan…

This book is completely ridiculous, but in a very good way.  Much like John Dies at the End, it strikes this incredibly irreverent tone while dealing with some deeply dark issues.  The amount of detail which is placed behind the world McGuigan can be easily overlooked amid Ben’s infatuation with a young hipster girl who turns out to be…well, let’s just say she plays a very integral role to the story Ben finds himself directly in the middle of.

In the end, this story is a great one revolving around developing responsibility and crafting courage to stand up for things, even if you find them absolutely insane.

And it’s a lot of fun.

If you like books like John Dies at the End, you’re certain to dig this light tale about a Dog Walker and his pet demon.

Buy it now!