Kergan Edwards-Stout's Blog, page 26
December 6, 2011
An Epic Kind of Love
I've been thinking a lot about love lately. I'm grateful to be able to give it, and equally humbled to receive it, from Russ and the boys on a daily basis.
At a recent reading/signing for my novel, Songs for the New Depression, a woman asked if the book was about depression. A valid question, given the book's title, but "depression" is not what I was going for…
The title actually comes from an old Bette Midler album, for whom lead character, Gabriel, has an affinity. Gabe has long been challenged by his past, particularly his unwillingness to fully deal with his emotions, which has lead to a long string of quick sexual encounters and ultimately futile relationships. He has taken the easy route, never really facing his issues and, as much as he may want love and affection, he has no clue as to what real love is, let alone how to fully give himself to another.
When I was younger, I was much the same. For me, though, sex was never casual. It was all about finding "the one". I pictured an all-engulfing, romantic kind of love, but whenever I did feel "the fireworks", a fire would soon follow.
It wasn't until meeting Shane, who had been diagnosed with AIDS, did I rethink what it means to love, both in giving and receiving. Prior to jumping in, as I would previously do, with him I carefully weighed my options, considering all outcomes, before entering into the relationship. And that considered approach, in turn, led to a more adult type of relationship, a richer love, and eventually a personal awakening. Through giving myself over to someone as not only as partner, but caregiver, I finally faced my fears and darker emotions. Through love, I discovered who I am and the strengths I have, and I am all the richer for it.
Many people think, because I attribute this to my experience to Shane, that Russ must feel slighted. But Russ understands how transformational real love can be. Russ and I moved slowly into our relationship, making sure it felt "right". And there is something about that more considered approach which not only feels authentic and "grown up", but also seems to lead to an ever-increasing emotional connection and deeper affection. Despite our 9 years together, our love continues to evolve, strengthen, and flourish, growing more rich and nuanced every day.
Thus, the theme of my book is not depression — or depressing. Rather, it is all about love. Wanting love, sometimes desperately. Not knowing how to love, or what it really is. Confusing sex with love. Finally finding love–and then losing it. And how love has the power to fully transform one's own soul, if only we let it.
Love can be redemptive, changing our very existence.
To me, Songs for the New Depression is about that epic kind of love, fully engulfing. Real love is not the fireworks. It is the slow burn that comes from total enrapture.
And this song exemplifies just that:
December 2, 2011
Goodreads Giveaway: Songs for the New Depression — Enter Now!
December 1, 2011
The Power of Negative Thinking
The other night, I got my first piece of "hate mail". Well, it wasn't hate, exactly, but it was about my novel, Songs for the New Depression, and this person clearly had an issue. He wrote, "This book is a piece of garbage made for cliche homosexuals who are nostalgic for a life that they never had. It's a disservice to our generation, the most recent ones, and the actual diversities in the gay community. Saccharin to the max. You all are suckers."
Now, my first thought was to just delete the comment and try to brush off the sting. After all, I fully realize that not everyone who reads the book will love it, though the reaction thus far has been incredibly positive. Still, there was something about the way he described the book as "saccharine" which didn't feel right to me. People have used words such as "riveting" and "brutal" in describing the book, but there is little about the story or lead character which is remotely sugar sweet.
So I wrote the gentleman back.
In part, my note said: "I'm sorry you didn't like my novel, Songs for the New Depression. Everyone is, of course, entitled to their own opinion, and if you actually read it and thought it saccharine, that is entirely fine with me–you are welcome to your opinion, and I appreciate your sharing it. I do, however, take issue with your comment that the book is somehow written for those nostalgic about a life they never had. The novel was loosely based on my partner, Shane Sawick, who I put into the hospital on the day I turned 30, and who died just two weeks later. Having watched countless others die as well, I assure you that few of us who lived then are nostalgic for that time. The book is really about facing our own mortality, finding redemption, and living fully and authentically, which I think are themes that all people can learn from, regardless of their individual experiences. If, as you say, you did read it, then we'll just disagree about the intent and quality of the work. If, however, you have not read the book, if you give me a mailing address, I'm happy to send you a copy, so you can evaluate it more fully."
He responded quickly, confirming that he hadn't actually read the novel, but had based his feelings and subsequent actions on an advertisement for it.
There are two important elements in this exchange I'd like you to consider.
First, without full knowledge or understanding of something, he took the time to put a negative thought out into the world. His anger came through in his writing, and it upset me in return. What good did such negativity do either of us?
Second, and more importantly, is how I decided to deal with the situation. After initially reading his first email, I deleted it, but then thought better of it. Had I done as I originally had intended, his stated issue and anger would have burned through me, making me question my work and allow my insecurities to take center stage.
But instead I retrieved his email and wrote him back.
My first draft, however, was very pointed — it too written in anger — and would surely have prompted a similar response from him, allowing that negativity to simply spiral out of control for both of us. Instead, I allowed my finger to hesitate above the "send" button, eventually deciding on a different and more open approach.
In his following note, confirming that he hadn't actually read the novel, he wrote of my measured response, "Bold move."
There is nothing bold about being kind and extending understanding. We've all made mistakes (drunk facebooking, anyone?), but as we evolve, hopefully we learn to give each other room for such mistakes, and not take on others negativity as our own.
The energy that we put out into the world has power, and the effects of our choices can have ramifications far beyond our limited sight lines. Use your power wisely.
November 28, 2011
Christmas Memories
I trimmed the first of our three trees this weekend. It is fake, in terms of material, but holds more emotional weight for me than any of our others. We also do a real tree, very cabin/rustic-themed, and a small tree in our boys room, which holds their ornaments. But it is the fake tree which always makes me cry.
Throughout the years, I have assembled an array of decor, some Christmas-themed, others not, which serve as ornamentation for the tree. On almost every trip we take, I return with something to capture the moment. Almost every ornament tells a story of a time, place, and people, and trimming the tree always leaves me, at some point, in tears.
Some may ask, then why bother? To me, feeling such emotions is the entire point of being alive, and I cherish each and every tear.
There was a time in my life where I couldn't, or wouldn't, allow myself to cry. I was afraid of what lay beneath my surface, and was certain that even the slightest crack in my veneer would prompt a flood the size of which it would be impossible to recover.
But eventually I was faced with just such an emotional tsunami, and found that indeed I was somehow able to survive.
On the tree, there hangs a baby blue shoe, to celebrate Mason's first year on earth. There are numerous items which Russ, the boys, and I have bought together, as a family. There are also toenail clippers from the Eiffel Tower and a Pope bottle opener, which came from my first trip to Europe, with Shane. There are also ornaments bought on trips with my ex, which always cause me pause.
And each and every one of our 57 nutcrackers tells a story. Shane left his collection to me, as his mother began giving him German nutcrackers to commemorate special occasions. I've continued the tradition with our boys, and they each get a nutcracker every Christmas eve.
It is not the number of things we have that is important, however. It is the stories they tell, the memories they encapsulate, and the motions they trigger.
Tell your stories. Pass on the traditions. And feel every moment.
This Thursday: World AIDS Day
Please join me on World AIDS Day, when I'll be reading from and signing copies of my debut novel, Songs for the New Depression, and doing a Q&A on the book. As most of you know, the novel was loosely inspired by my partner, Shane Sawick, who died from AIDS om 1995, and in his honor, as well as all those lost to AIDS, I will be donating 30% of the book event sales to AIDS Services Foundation/Orange County.
Books will be available for purchase at the event, by cash or check, in both hardcover ($23.99) and paperback ($15.99), plus tax.
The event takes place on Thursday December 1st, beginning at 7:00PM, in the sanctuary of Church of the Foothills, which is located at 19211 Dodge Ave (cross street Newport), Santa Ana, CA 92705-2236. Hope to see you there! (Even if you're not in the O.C. area, please post on your facebook wall and share with others!)
P.S. The Kindle version is now available at Amazon and the Nook version is up at BarnesandNoble.com. If you have other favorite e-Bookstores, let me know and I'll make sure they're carrying it!
November 23, 2011
Thankful for… Being Gay?
Okay, it may seem odd to some, but being gay is something I am truly grateful for. It is just one interesting element of my personae which gives me different perspective and varied life experience, and I wouldn't change it for anything. Unfortunately, not everyone who is LGBT can say that they are grateful for this particular frame of reference, and the conflict they've felt has led to lifetimes of unhappiness.
For far too many, they associate being gay with negative qualities, whether from their own religious beliefs, or those of others, or by animosity directed towards them based on their orientation.
But this has got to change.
Even if you accept the view that being gay is a sin or abnormal, what then? Have you really thought this all through? Do you harass those who are LGBT, simply because you equate it as a negative? Do you challenge them to "convert", as if such were possible? Or do you wish LGBT people would simply disappear?
I believe that many of those with strong anti-gay views do hope that LGBT people will simply up and disappear, exterminated. What else could they be hoping for, by denying equality? They want us to either be treated as sub-humans, or to go away–neither of which will happen, if I have anything to say about it.
The faulty part of their logic comes when you ask them what they truly envision. Few will admit to advocating for the erradication of LGBT people, but isn't that what they seem to be working toward? They are creating an environment where gay youth feel that suicide is preferable to life.
But I believe if they truly followed their logic to its conclusion, we might actually change some minds.
Show them what a world without gay people would be like. Imagine the world without the Sistine Chapel, painted by a gay man. Imagine the world without Michelangelo and his "David." Imagine the world without the music of Janis Joplin, Elton John, or the Village People. Imagine the world without the plays of Edward Albee, or Tennessee Williams, or Stephen Sondheim. Imagine the world without the writings of Virginia Woolf, Truman Capote, or Augusten Burroughs. Imagine the world of sports without Martina Navratilova or Greg Louganis. Imagine "Glee" without Jane Lynch and Chris Colfer. Oh, wait–there wouldn't even BE a "Glee" without creator Ryan Murphy!
Without LGBT people, the world would continue to turn, but it would be a far grayer place.
To help change minds and expand horizons, I've launched a twitter campaign, hoping to combat LGBT stereotypes. Using the hashtags #rethinkgay and #imaginetheworldwithout, I hope to create dialogue and remind the world community at large just how bleak our world would be with the enormous contributions of the gay and lesbian community.
Of course, right now, my campaign is really a monologue. It takes more than just one person, screaming in the wilderness, to make a difference. Join the conversation. Follow me on twitter.com/edwardsstout. Retweet my #rethinkgay and #imaginetheworldwithout messages.
Together, we can create a world in which each and every LGBT person can wake up and say, truly, that they are thankful for being gay.
Happy Thanksgiving!
November 22, 2011
This Moment… Grasp It–See It.
I've been awash in gratitude lately. While I've written about gratitude before, this time of year I always pause and count my blessings. Part of that is due to Thanksgiving and all that it entails, but another part is more seasonal. As the weather cools, the leaves change, and the holidays approach, I find my usually reflective self going even further into a state of hyper-drive, and it is almost impossible to stop my mind from running over past experiences and emotional threads. Not that I want to.
I value the past. I view each incident, both positive and negative, as a building block. The question for me is, what do I use them to build?
I've learned a lot about building lately. Prior to launching my book, I had never built a website, nor edited my own video, nor knew graphics, let alone any of the intricacies of the publishing world, or book promotion, or starting your own business, or–
The point, though, isn't what I have learned or done. The point is that I have chosen to do it. I have chosen action over inaction.
It would be much easier to settle in each night with a glass of wine and a Netflix movie, which I'm sure would make Russ happy, but instead I've decided to make certain sacrifices in order to see my dreams fulfilled. While I'm uncertain as to whether that bigger dream will eventually be realized, I do know that this decision was the right one for me.
This is the age of do-it-yourself everything. Want to be a star? Film a video and post it on YouTube. Want to be a singer? Record your own CD. Want to be a writer? Self-publish. Share with your friends on Facebook and Twitter. Use your skills and talents. Don't wait for the world to hand you the opportunity–Create it yourself.
We only have this moment. This single, infinitesimal moment, which just passed as you read these words.
And aside from my gratitude for my family and friends, this Thanksgiving I am feeling grateful for how I've chosen to use my moments, pushing myself farther than I've ever dreamed of going… It has not been easy, but the easier choices are often the least rewarding.
When I do have the opportunity to sit and reflect on what I want to do with my time, I think of that often-told Cherokee tale of a grandfather teaching his young grandson about the internal battle that each person faces.
"There are two wolves struggling inside each of us," the old man says. "One wolf is vengefulness, anger, resentment, self-pity, fear… The other wolf is compassion, faithfulness, hope, truth, love…"
The grandson sits, thinking, then asks his grandfather, "But which wolf wins?"
The grandfather replies, "The one you feed."
This is your moment. Grasp it. See it. And make sure you feed the right wolf.
November 17, 2011
Benefit & Book Signing – AIDS Services Foundation/OC
I'm happy to announce that on World AIDS Day, I'll be reading from and signing copies of my debut novel, Songs for the New Depression, and doing a Q&A on the book. As most of you know, the novel was loosely inspired by my partner, Shane Sawick, who died from AIDS om 1995, and in his honor, as well as all those lost to AIDS, I will be donating 30% of the book event sales to AIDS Services Foundation/Orange County.
Books will be available for purchase at the event, by cash or check, in both hardcover ($23.99) and paperback ($15.99).
The event takes place on Thursday December 1st, beginning at 7:00PM, in the sanctuary of Church of the Foothills, which is located at 19211 Dodge Ave (cross street Newport), Santa Ana, CA 92705-2236. Hope to see you there! (Even if you're not in the O.C. area, please post on your facebook wall and share with others!)
P.S. The Kindle version is now available at Amazon and the Nook version is up at BarnesandNoble.com. If you have other favorite e-Bookstores, let me know and I'll make sure they're carrying it!
November 10, 2011
Goodreads Giveaway, through November 21st!
November 9, 2011
Going Beyond "It Gets Better"
I've written before about my friend Charles Perez and his NoShame Project, which is attempting to eradicate the shame around being gay. While the "It Gets Better" campaign tells people that, in time, their lives will indeed improve, NoShame takes it one step further, insisting that there is no shame in being gay in the first place, and it is the larger world around us we need to change.
The NoShame Project now has a revamped website, and I am happy to be one of its first contributors. Check out my post, below, and the NoShame website. Together, we can make a difference and build a more tolerant world where our differences are seen not as divisive, but as complementary.
The Unlikely Bully – Turning Terror into Triumph
by Kergan Edwards-Stout
I still remember the terror I felt, every time I approached the soccer field. It was junior high, a difficult time for all, but for me, it felt even worse.
I'd always known I was gay. Even in kindergarten, just looking at Jeff Hayward's smile would make me happy, providing boundless energy which would propel me throughout the day. And I knew, intrinsically, that it was alright to feel this way—to love other boys—as everything about it felt completely natural and unforced.
But in junior high, things changed. What I had seen as natural and good suddenly was being labeled as abnormal—detestable, even. While I caught flak from many, and would dodge the verbal taunts at lunchtime, the worst offenders turned out to be fellow members of my soccer team. You'd think that, as team members wanting to win, Johnny Shea and Mike Trautman would have supported me, but every day I would face a barrage of insults, some veiled, some not, as we sat on the sidelines.
"Faggot" was spit towards me, with the kind of bile and hatred I could both feel and see, plain on their faces. Whispers and dirty looks on a daily basis would continually unnerve me, affecting both my sense of self, as well as my performance on the field. These questions about my masculinity hovered over me, and I would feel physically ill at the thought of another practice or game.
Somehow, however, I survived. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other, keeping myself at a distance from all who would harm me. And, as the phrase goes, it did get better.
In high school, while I went on to be active in theatre and academics, Johnny Shea and Mike Trautman continued to rise socially, becoming the big men on campus that I'd always longed to be. In our junior year, Johnny was even voted onto the homecoming king's court, and as he took to the field, flashing his charming smile, all I could see was the sneer on his lips when he turned and looked my way.
A short time later, during summer break, word came that Johnny had tried to commit suicide and was in a coma. No one knew what had happened, and he eventually returned to school our senior year, but I could sense something in him had changed.
The following summer, I got another call. Johnny had tried again to kill himself, hanging a noose from the rafters in his garage, and had succeeded. He'd also left behind a note, writing that although he did not like girls, he did not want to like boys.
As difficult as it may be to see at the time, our tormentors often have their own issues, to which we are not privy. Whether they are secretly gay, or filled with self-doubt, or are simply taught at a young age to hate, their anger and animosity is fueled not by us, but from something deep within.
I later learned that Johnny's buddy Mike had a younger brother who came out as gay, and at our high school reunion, Mike sought me out, attempting to make amends for his past actions.
We all grow. We all have the capacity to change. The question becomes, how do we deal with abuse? Do we let our tormentors corrupt us? Do we turn into them? Do we hide? Or do we call out abuse for what it is, and insist that our lives not fall victim to it?
If you are experiencing harassment, in any form, take advantage of the resources in our community. Seek out a counselor or therapist. Find a support group, in person or online. And make sure that you use the opportunity to better yourself and those around you.
Take control. Don't let the moment define you. Let it be you that defines the moment.
We can be so much better, if only we try.
