Rebecca Nolan's Blog - Posts Tagged "rough-drafts"

Blood dripped from the paper cut and down onto the note she had been writing. Abigail cursed. Why did one simple note have to be so hard? Tear fell from her swollen eyes as she grieved the loss of this relationship. She had for all intents and purposes just slipped the noose around the hangman’s neck. It wasn’t going to work; this marriage, she knew it and somewhere deep down so did he. They were two very different people, not so blinded by love as they had once been. The thick red substance began to seep through the thin paper. Her words of rejection no longer visible. Dread filled her, making her stomach knot. Abigail didn’t want to have to do this in person, not to Michael. He was too sweet, too sensitive to handle this kind of conversation.
That was one of the reasons they didn’t work…Everything was about him. How he felt. What he wanted. La-de-fucking-da, Abigail thought her finger still bleeding. She had needs. Things that she wanted…feelings that were being left unmet. It was frustrating to say the least…but that didn’t make leaving him any easier. After all five years was a long time to just walk away. She wasn’t even sure if she really could but she had to venture out into the big wide world and see. She needed to know what it would be like to be underneath another man. To have a man take you. To have her deep seeded needs meet.
She had never dreamed she would be contemplating terminating things with Michael. All it had taken was one chance meeting. A meeting that had made her blood red hot and there hadn’t even been any sex. The man was a friend of a friend and he was visiting from out of town. Abigail could still remember the smell of his aftershave and the look in his bright blue eyes as he spoke to her. Even now, with just the fading memory Abigail felt her core clench as her sweet, hot liquid, began to seep down into her panties. Abigail knew it was wrong, to be so turned on at this moment. She felt like a whore, a cheap nasty whore and yet she wanted it, the promises the stranger had made where eating away at her. She needed to know about this other world. A world where sex wasn’t all confined to the bedroom.
Her bags where packed wanting for her at the door…all she had to do was write that Darn letter. How was it, that this ending up being the most difficult thing. Abigail sighed, if she didn’t start figuring out how to word ‘I am leaving you soon’ she was going to be forced to say it in person. Sure it was a coward move but it was the only way she was guaranteed to make it out. Abigail paced, her teeth holding her bottom lip captive as she thought. Her finger nails digging into her palms as the frustration grew.
Michael opened the front door, almost stumbling over her bags. A quizzical look upon his face. Those piercing brown eyes penetrating her line of thought.
“Oh shit,” she muttered under her breath. The one person she had hoped to avoid was now staring at her. Abigail’s chest grew tight, as though she couldn’t breathe. In a very calculated way Michael closed the door taking a step towards her.
“Going somewhere?” he mocked, watching Abigail squirm. Her throat was suddenly dry rendering her unable to speak. Michael ran his hand though his sandy hair. Frustration or maybe annoyance was written all over his face.
“So…” he started, taking another step, “I take it those bags aren’t there because you’re going on a holiday, then.”
Abigail was suffocating, the tension in the air putting extra pressure on her chest. Tears were flowing.
“I can’t do this anymore, Michael…” she managed to choke out. He fist was suddenly through the wall leaving a huge hole.
“You can’t do this…You!” He began, those eyes growing blacker “What is it you can’t do…huh. Tell me Abigail, I am all ears, because for the life of me I can’t work out what it is you can’t do, oh besides house work and argh finding a job…and let’s not forget the fact that you can’t cook.” He snapped moving closer towards her. She knew he was hurting, those words were his weapons…like always.
“Michael, I don’t want to hurt you but let’s face it this isn’t working.”
“Why is that Abigail, because it was working darn fine for me only minutes ago.”
“You can’t tell me you were honestly happy, Michael, we’re too different. We’ve grown apart these last few years…I need space.”
“I was happy Abby, you made me happy but clearly I don’t do the same for you.” He said as he slumped against the wall, his head in his hands. Abigail hated herself for doing this to him, but it really wasn’t working. If only Michael would admit to himself how unhappy he had been these last few years.
“I love you so much Abby, tell me what to do, I’ll do anything to make you stay…anything” he wept. Abigail’s insides were all kinds of messed up, she knew from so many pervious fight’s that Michael couldn’t change. Sure, he tried but he was never able to keep it going. He was who he was and Abigail was who she was. The two of them together just didn’t gel anymore.
“I think we are past that. I need to find myself outside of us and the confinements of this relationship…please understand that.”
“How am I meant to understand any of this… Don’t you care about what you are doing to me Abigail? You’re killing me right know…I hope that makes you happy.” He hissed.
“I think it is time for me to go.” Abigail whispered, tears still running down her face. Why did this have to be so hard?
Michael stood up, his arms reaching out towards her. Abigail dodged him the first time but Michael grasped onto her the second time. He was holding her close, one hand on her lower back the other at the base of her skull.
“Don’t go, Abby, please, just don’t go.” He whispered as his gazed down upon her. One hand reaching forward to wipe away the tears. Abigail shuddered against him. He was going to kiss her. She knew it was his feeble attempt at making her stay and yet, a part of her wanted him to. She wanted to feel some kind of passion from him in a kiss. And as his lips touched hers mental alarm bells sounded. It was wrong; the kiss wasn’t going to help the situation only make it worse. As much as she hated to do it, Abigail placed her arms onto his chest and pushed him away.
“Michael please, give me the time I need to find myself.” She pleaded her voice shaky.
“Go ahead. Runaway Abigail, it’s what you always do.” Michael opened the front door “Just know that if you step out that door…then that’s it, Abby. I. Am. Done. You feel me Abigail…D-O-N-E” he spat out the letters with pure animosity. Abigail stared at him, her mouth open with surprise. She could see he was shaking all over. Carefully she moved past him so that she was on the porch. Some neighbors were already gathering, trying to look casual as they watch this free show. Abruptly one of Abigail’s bags landed on the front lawn, soon followed by the next one. She turned, Michael was clearly seething inside. No doubt he never expected her to walk out the door.
“Have fun finding yourself” With that he slammed the door in her face. The neighbors were all gawking, their tongues practically hanging out of their mouths. Abigail swore she wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of crying. She held her head up even though inside she was crumbling; picking up her bags she walked to her car and hopped in. There was no point in dwelling, it was time for her to move on.
Chapter 2
Abigail arrived at her mom’s house, hoping that she would have the place to herself. It was stupid to feel like this…after all she had been the one to break it off. What she needed to do was to take her mind off everything. She needed to get blind drunk , drinking always helps to numb pain. Her mom had known of her plans, the spare room was made up for her. Abigail felt a little like a loser, to be back home at age 25 was borderline embarrassing. Placing her bags onto the bed Abigail began to unpack, filling the draws. Her hands still shaking. She needed her girlfriends around her, to make her feel secure that she had done the right thing. ‘Oh God’ she thought, what if she had just made the biggest mistake of her life. Fear shattering her…what was she doing. She was 25 not 18, she should know who she is…right?
Abigail’s cell phone rang, her ring tone playing ‘Sexy and I know it’ as she scrambled to find the damn thing. As always it was hidden underneath all the other crap in her purse. Sliding her finger over the hard glass frame she checked her missed calls. There were five three from her mother and two from her best friend. Quickly she texted her mother; letting her know that she was settling in nicely into the spare room. She didn’t want to cry over the phone to her mother after all. Next was to return Meg’s call, after all she was the one who had listened over and over to Abigail as she struggled to decide whether or not she should leave Michael. If it hadn’t been for Meg, Abigail might still be there, feeling suffocated. On the third ring, Meg picked up.
“Abby, chicka, you ok?” She asked, pausing as though she was holding her breath.
“I need to get drunk Megs, it was horrible, he said some really mean things” Abigail could feel her reserve failing. ‘Goodness, where was Jim, Jack and Johnny when you need them?’ she thought. Now there were men that one could depend on. They wouldn’t have belittled her, thrown her out like a stray dog…in front of all the neighbors too.
“Well, he’s an ass. You are better off without him Chicka! Now let’s get you hammered and then find you Mr. Tall, dark and Rebound…how does that sound?”
“Megs no men…not tonight. Tonight is for drinking and dancing, nothing else.”
“Chicka, you’re free, you can live your life how you choose, so why not jump right back on the proverbial horse as they say.”
Abigail groaned, she was quite happy to be horseless for a while. Whether or not it was her choice to walk away it still hurt, but she knew Meg wouldn’t let her sit around sulking. It was one of the things that Abigail loved about her.
“What time are you going to pick me up?” She sighed, she needed a shot or three of tequila STAT.
“That’s my Girl…be ready in two hours, ok.” With that Meg hung up.
Abigail sat wondering if her mother still kept liquor in the top self of the panty like she used to. Plugging her iPod in, she turned up the tunes. Meg’s had already made her a breaking-up playlist. Until now Abigail hadn’t bothered to listen to it but tonight seemed like a good night for music. Her cell phone vibrated a text from her mother. She was having dinner with a client tonight but was willing to cancel if Abigail needed her to. Quickly Abigail replied, letting her mother know she was going out with Meg. No Doubt’s Don’t Speak had just finished the iPod changing to Brittany Spears…Oh god, Abigail thought as she skipped the song. Next was Katy Perry’s Part of me. Instantly Abigail hit replay. This was her song. The one that spoke to her. ‘What a powerful song’ Abigail thought as she began to sing along to the tunes. By the third time it was playing Abigail was dancing her way to the panty, she was actually happy. She was free, no more pretending to be happy, no more hiding herself. Hell, she wasn’t even sure who she was without Michael, but at least she had a chance to find out.
The bottle of vodka was still there, covered in dust. She didn’t care as she pour a good splash into the bottom of a glass before filling it up with coke. She hadn’t had a drink…in like, forever. Michael didn’t like it when she was drunk; it was demeaning he would say. Well, he wasn’t here to see her demean herself anymore. In fact she could get really demeaning if she wanted to. Actually she could even wear whatever she wanted, no more disapproving frowns or shakes of the head from him. She really was free.
She showered slowly, taking her time to shave her legs. They were silky smooth. The buzz in her head was disappearing. She needed another drink. Pouring another before she dressed. Her dress was short, low cut at the back and high at the front. It didn’t really show off her curves but it did magnificent things for her long legs. For being five foot six she wasn’t really tall but she had legs that seemed to never end. It was a blessing at times as it took away for her more rounded top half. Abigail had a waist but she also had hips and a butt that would reveal J.lo’s. The Alcohol was rushing back to her head making it buzz again. Abigail glanced at her cell phone, Meg would be there any minute…How the hell had 2 hrs already passed. Gulping down the rest of what was left in her cup, she gathered her purse and her shoes, not bothering to put them on her feet until they arrive at the club.
Meg beeped the horn rudely. Abigail walked out the front door only to run straight into meg herself. Abigail was worried, maybe she was more drunk then she thought…how could Meg be at her door when the horn only just beeped. The car was all the way out on the street. Meg grinned, she had that guilty, I’ve been a bad girl’ look upon her sweet round face. The horn beeped again making Abigail jump.
“Megan…who is in the car?” she inquired cautiously. Her greyish eyes narrowing on the guilty figure that was trying to tug her towards the car.
“Megan?” she said standing her ground. “What is going on?”
“Chicka, I thought we could bring some friends, honestly it is nothing. Are you coming or not?”
“Friends?” she cocked her head turning back towards the car for a quick glance before refocusing on Meg. “Who are the… friends?”
“No” she pouted “you won’t come if I do and besides you will see them soon enough. Come on Abby…live a little. It has been too long since we did this. I want you to have the best night.”
“Fine” she pouted, taking Megs hand. Clearly the woman had guy or guys in the car. What didn’t her friend understand about No Guys.