Sara Hacala's Blog, page 2

Rise to the Occasion

Over the Christmas holidays, I was invited to make a presentation on civility at the Greenbrier Hotel in White Sulphur Springs, West Virginia as part of their holiday calendar of events.  As a native of that state, I felt like I was not only going "home" but had, in fact, stepped back in time.  The Greenbrier—a vacation spot frequented by numerous U.S. Presidents—is rich in history and steeped in tradition.  With its unparalleled style and grace, it is an utter bastion of civility.

My immersion in this culture for a couple of days made me aware of the stark contrast with the outside world.  I couldn't help but ponder, why can't it always be this way, whereby everyone is on his and her best behavior?  Further, I began to wonder how this unique culture—in which each staff member is not only polite and courteous but genuinely wanting to serve and please—continues to prevail in this day and age.

A visit to the staff cafeteria gave me an insight.  Walking down the labyrinth of corridors, I stopped to read each of the many messages painted on the walls.  The first wall that I encountered listed twelve values embraced by the personnel—respect, fairness, honesty, excellence, pride, teamwork, loyalty, empowerment, safety, commitment, cleanliness, and responsibility.  A few steps farther revealed three separate mission statements addressing community, employees, and guests.  After passing by additional signage, the summation of the philosophy was "Ladies and Gentlemen serving Ladies and Gentlemen."

Indeed, the Greenbrier sets a high standard, a code of conduct about how employees should interact with each other and with guests.  Although one might argue that employees are paid to behave this way, it is apparent that employees are hired to fit a culture of service, which is established and modeled, from the top down.  Given that many among the staff have worked there for decades, that culture becomes a way of living and being.

Becoming attuned to these surroundings, the guests themselves mellow and fall into a pattern of grace that is often a departure from their behavioral norms.  The respect, courtesy, and kindness extended by the staff, begins to rub off.  It's so pleasing to be in such an environment, that patrons are wont to behave in a more pleasing manner, smoothing their otherwise rougher edges.  When there is a prevailing standard—a code of expected behavior—we raise the bar and rise to the occasion.  We portray what we are capable of doing—behaving as ladies and gentlemen.  When that standard is missing, so are expectations; the bar is lowered, and, often, so is the level of our conduct.

 

 

I Hereby Resolve …

As 2012 has recently been ushered in, now is the time when we reflect upon new beginnings, new adventures, and new learning, as well as those things in our lives that we plan to change or eliminate—in other words, our list of New Year's Resolutions.  Fueled with enthusiasm and a sense of optimism, we compile that list with the best of intentions. Unfortunately, we sometimes waver along the way, and our desired results become almost predictability fleeting and our efforts short-lived.

There can be many reasons for that outcome.  Perhaps the items on the list are too grandiose, or beyond our ability to accomplish.  Maybe our list is based on what we should and ought to do, or wanna' want to achieve, meaning that we haven't really owned or embraced those behavioral changes.  It could be that we are a tiny bit lazy.  However, I would like to suggest another possible reason for our waning commitment, and that has to do with our choice of words.

In my own experience, I've noticed that my "making a list of resolutions" is not nearly as strong as "I resolve to do this…."  "I will" is more forceful than "I want to," in the same way that "I know" carries a bit more strength than "I believe."  That extra weight I'm carrying is much more likely to disappear if I say, "I'm determined to lose ten pounds," rather than "I need to go on a diet."  Thus, for myself, when my language is concrete and assertive, my commitment is more powerful.

This year, I will practice what I preach by embracing three of the more difficult behavioral changes—for me, anyway—about which I wrote in my book—Saving Civility: 52 Ways to Tame Rude, Crude and Attitude for a Polite Planet.  Since I sometimes have a slight proclivity to be an Eeyore, I will "Cultivate Optimism," so that I more cheerfully and effectively manage my thoughts.  This journey is certainly going to be easier if I remember to "Laugh At Least Once A Day," guaranteed to lighten anyone's perspective.  My toughest challenge, however, is to "Practice Gratitude," which is actually a life-long path, helping me to not only learn greater appreciation, but acceptance.  Therefore, I hereby resolve…and by the way, I really need to lose ten pounds.

 

Put It In Writing

T'is the season for giving gifts, and whether you observe Hanukkah, Christmas, and Kwanzaa, or mark other occasions, there is a good chance that you have—or will have—received a present or two, or were treated to a holiday party or celebration.  If that is the case, now is the time to put ink to paper—yes, I mean actual paper—and pen a thank you note to the person who graciously remembered and included you.  It matters little what you might really think about the choice of the gift; what matters is how you make the giver feel, showing your appreciation for their thoughtfulness and effort, rather than taking them for granted.

Inscribing thank you notes is becoming a lost art in our culture with the prevalence of technology, which is rendering our communication increasingly impersonal.  By contrast, a hand-written note makes a statement, standing out among the clutter of e-mails and texts, distinguishing and illuminating your gratitude.  The note does not have to be long; three or four sentences, in fact, can do the trick, which does not require extraordinary effort or time on your part.

It is never too soon to begin this practice, which is why it is important to teach your children at an early age to thank individuals for the gifts they receive; it is an admirable lifelong habit.  From the time our daughter was three, I would sit with her, spelling out a word letter by letter:  "D-e-a-r  G-r-a-n-d-m-a,  T-h-a-n-k  y-o-u  f-o-r …."  Admittedly, the process—which took hours—could be absolutely agonizing and exhausting, for both of us; however, it was an investment that reaped enormous benefits.  Today, my twenty-year-old daughter writes notes that make the recipient feel like a million dollars, even if the gift was a ten-dollar bill within a card.  Contrast that to a recipient in my own life, to whom I sent birthday and Christmas presents for twenty years, for which I received only one thank you note.  My gifts, it seemed, descended into a black hole.  Had it not been for wanting to preserve the friendship that I had with his mother—who actually believed that notes were unnecessary—I would have curtailed the gifts long ago.

No one wants to be ignored or made to feel like he's chopped liver.  Writing a small thank you note is a very big gesture that goes a long way toward preventing that occurrence, which is a very nice thing to do.

Naughty or Nice?

Human beings can be a wily bunch, with an uncanny ability to readily identify the faults of others while justifying or ignoring our own.  Before pointing fingers, it behooves us to take stock of our own behavior.  This being the final count down week before Santa determines whether we've been naughty or nice, perhaps it would be a good idea to think about where we fall on his list.

Looking online, I found a "Santa meter" with the following categories:  very naughty, kind of naughty, not too bad, pretty nice, and very nice.  Obviously, these labels must be based on an "average score" of sorts, as it's likely that we're not totally "very naughty" or "very nice" in all areas.  Therefore, I've come up with a just-in-time mini-quiz, assigning the following numerical values, so you can see how you score in your behavior self-assessment before Santa makes his own judgment:

Never = 1 point

Almost never = 2 points

Sometimes = 3 points

Usually = 4 points

Always = 5 points

1.   I say "please" and "thank you" when someone does something nice for me, whether opening a door or giving me a gift.

2.   I actively listen—respectfully and thoughtfully—to others' opinions, without interrupting them.

3.   I am able to disagree without being disagreeable.

4.   When I am wrong or have wronged someone, I apologize.

5.   I recognize the power of words and choose them carefully.

6.   I enjoy doing kind deeds for others.

7.  Rather than make snap judgments, I give the other fellow the benefit of the doubt.

8.   I am judicious in my use of a cell phone—never while driving—and considerate of those who are in my presence.

9.   I am prompt and on time for appointments and meetings.

10.  I am courteous to fellow drivers in parking lots and on the road—for example, allowing them to merge ahead of me.

11.  I accept responsibility rather than blame others.

12.  I am a grateful person.

13.  I keep my emotions in check and am cool under fire.

14.   I treat all people with respect.

15.   As a parent, my behavior is a worthy role model for my children.

Obviously, this little quiz addresses only a limited number of behaviors, but you can see where this is going.  Also, you probably don't even have to tally points to quantify your strengths and shortcomings.  However, if your answers are consistently "never" or "almost never," you'll need plenty of soap to tidy up from that pile of coal that Santa drops down your chimney.

 

Hats Off—Antlers too!

Civility is all about how we can live in community together, treating one another with respect and courtesy.  As the population density of our planet increases, civility becomes an even more essential component to our getting along.  While we're sometimes tempted to ignore the madding crowds, our awareness and consideration of those in our midst can make life a lot more enjoyable.

When we think of densely populated areas, cities frequently come to mind, with high-rise apartment dwellers and sidewalks teeming with pedestrian traffic.  However, consider a stadium, concert auditorium, or movie theatre; compactly seated, side-by-side in outstretched rows, we find ourselves in pretty tight quarters, whether the venue is in New York, or Montana.

Last week, for example, I attended a lecture, a concert, and a movie.  At the first event, a woman seated in front of me had gorgeous puffy silver hair, which I might have admired, had it not been for the large red hat that she wore off to one side, in effect, doubling the size of her head.  By the end of the lecture, my neck ached from craning to peer around it, which is why, two days later, I avoided sitting behind a patron wearing festive reindeer ears at a holiday concert.  (Even branches are distracting!)  And although I was not seated in close proximity to another attendee sporting a hat the size of a small hassock, I couldn't help but wonder what was going on inside that person's head, given what rested on top of it.

I finished the week by going to a much-anticipated movie where, once again, a lack of consideration for others was evident.  Fortunately, most of us heed management's request to turn off cell phones, cease texting and e-mailing, and to not talk during a performance so that others might hear.  (It would also be nice to hear "excuse me" and "thank you" when viewers climb over my seat in order to get to theirs.)  What frosted the cake on this particular occasion, however, was the latecomer who stood directly in front of me, blocking my view of the movie, for more than a minute while he "settled in."  Although I kindly asked him to sit down, he took his time doing so.  As soon as the closing credits began to roll, he did the same thing.

Our regard and consideration for others can often be expressed in very small gestures; those small acts, however, can make a very big difference.

 

 

 

Give the Gift of Civility

"Civility costs nothing but buys everything."

                                                                        —Mary Wortley Montagu

 

When we think of holiday presents, we often think in terms of dollars and cents.  However, when we give of ourselves, the outcome is often priceless, particularly when we connect with others and deepen our interpersonal relationships.  So this season, particularly if your pocketbook is a few pennies short, think of how you might nurture those around you.

1.  Sometimes the gesture can be as simple as smiling at a shopper passing by on a sidewalk.   Smiling is not only the great connector, but can be that bit of holiday cheer that slices through stress and lifts someone's day.

2.  At an office or neighborhood party, be inclusive.  Pay attention to a fellow guest who is standing alone, possibly because he doesn't know anyone or is too shy to introduce himself.  Your showing interest by taking a few minutes to chat—and introduce him to others—might brighten an otherwise dull occasion.  Besides, you might find a new friend.

3.  Spend time with your children—baking cookies, decorating the house, reading stories, and playing games—creating memories that are precious, for them as well as yourself. These moments can be remembered and cherished by all, long after the gifts under tree have gone.

4.  Embrace a positive attitude when faced with extended family members or friends with whom you have had contentious relationships in the past.  Determine in advance how you can put an upbeat (and merrier!) spin during the gathering, rather than focusing on the negative.  Praise your brother-in-law for his sense of humor or his suggestion of a good book because "he's such an avid reader"; hug your cousin for her contribution of her "out-of-this-world sweet potatoes," even if the tablecloth might have been tastier.

5.  In this season of "peace on Earth and goodwill towards men," think about repairing a relationship that has caused great suffering.  Consider how making an effective apology to someone that you have harmed might bring you together again.  Conversely, reflect on how you might forgive someone who has harmed you; the release of that burden might set you both free.

 

 

Shopping for Sanity

Increasingly, we are living in a culture with an "I'll get mine" or "me first" mentality, whereby we position ourselves to run ahead of the pack, in competition with others.  Evidence of this attitude is mounting during "Black Friday" sales when, in 2010, customers and company associates alike were trampled by crowds of shoppers stampeding opening doors of stores in the pre-dawn hours.  While those incidents were deemed accidental, random incidents across the country during this season's Black Friday were more calculated by perpetrators who were armed with pepper spray and loaded guns for what—an opportunity to save a few dollars on a TV or toy?

 

This outrageous hysteria obviously represents one extreme end of the spectrum—certainly not ourselves.  But how often do we fall prey to our own bad behavior, when driven by frustration and fueled by impatience?  Nerves frazzle and tempers flare as we jockey for space in parking lots and checkout lines or deal with disappointment when an item is out-of-stock.  The final straw that almost guarantees a meltdown is when we lose out to a fellow shopper who nabs that sole perfect handbag just as we are reaching for it.  So how can we preserve our sanity in the midst of such chaos?

 

1.  It sounds simple, but go into Zen-mode before approaching the hoards, as you already know what to expect.  Allow ample time; you'll need it.

 

2.  Prioritize your list as to what you can accomplish that day; you can only do what you can do.  You'll not only curb your exhaustion but also extend your patience and good will towards fellow shoppers.

 

3.  Rather than driving yourself crazy locating this year's hot toy or electronic gizmo, think of alternatives that will come close to filling the bill—or begin shopping in July.  You'll feel more at peace and less of a failure.  Besides, there are other ways to become a hero.

 

4.  Be kind and considerate to store personnel.  Their nerves are often at loose ends just like yours.  Besides, a sales associate may be more inclined to help locate what you want from another store if your lose the "tude."

 

5.  If you see a shopper contemplating an item that you want to purchase, avoid a squabble by concealing your enthusiasm and admiration.  Your expressed desire will encourage that shopper to covet the prospective item even more, making him or her even more likely to buy it.

 

6.  Adopt "Thou wilt not snatch" as a commandment in your battle strategy.  Remember the Seinfeld episode when Jerry seized the remaining loaf of marbled rye from the elderly woman ahead of him in line.  While he triumphed in securing the bread, it all came to a bad end in the final episode of the series.

 

7.  Keep your sense of humor at all times; it will not only increase your merriment during this season of joy, but also soften life's entanglements throughout the year.  Mine, in fact, helped me to write this blog entry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Giving Thanks

"Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted."  

                                                                                                                               –Aldous Huxley

"When eating bamboo sprouts, remember the man who planted them."

                                                                                                                               –Chinese Proverb

Across our nation today, we gather to celebrate a universal American holiday—Thanksgiving.  In the midst of feasting and observing family traditions and customs, we are reminded that it is a special day set aside on our calendars when we are encouraged to not only reflect upon our blessings and the abundance in our lives, but to actually say "thank you," in prayer and/or to each other.  Our focus shifts to gratitude, a virtue that is too often neglected, much less nurtured.

Unfortunately, that sense of appreciation often fades as our attention is diverted by the onslaught and hype of Black Friday, a shopping spree turned feeding frenzy that ushers in the high-pressured season where commerce is king.  We begin to think about what we don't have rather than what we do have. When gratitude is absent, we will always feel lacking, wanting, and needy.  We forget to be grateful; we forget to say thank you.

Gratitude is a life-long practice that needs to be cultivated daily, not just on Thanksgiving.  If we could only realized how rich gratitude makes us feel, we might be compelled to devote more attention to that practice.  It is an antidote to that green-eyed monster, jealousy, curbing our inclination to make comparisons to those who have more than we do.  When we are grateful, we become conscious of the best parts of our lives, recognizing what is truly important and valuable, stabilizing and centering us.

Given that gratitude is life long, it is never too late nor too early to begin.  It is a value to be instilled in our children.  One of my friends, from the time her three children were small, would include—as a topic of discussion around the dinner table—what was the best part of their days.  Not only did that practice help them to be aware of what was positive and good in their lives—which were often the very small things—but to also be grateful for them.  Indeed, it is very often the small things that not only make us happy but the small acts of others which makes our world flow more fluidly.  So when giving thanks for the food on the table, be cognizant of the many hands that allowed that food to be there, beginning with the person who did the planting.