Ann Marie Frohoff's Blog
November 24, 2018
Where Is Home Now? (Part Two)
Where Is Home Now? (Part Two)
A quick refresh – both of my parents are no longer on this Earth. My Dad just passed late this summer 2018 (my Mom when I was 21) and the void felt like it could have been more immense for me than for others. Maybe it was? You may say, “Yeah, right. Everyone who loses a parent feels the heartbreaking loss.” Yes, this is true. My statement stems from more.
Cut to the chase. If you didn’t already know, I’m adopted. I’ve always known. I was very young when my adoptive mother told me I was a chosen one. A gift from God who’d answered her prayers for a baby whom had her and my adoptive father’s ethnicity. They waited 10 years for me. My adoptive parent’s were married at 19 years old. My Dad met my Mom while he was stationed in the Philippines while in the Navy. They couldn’t have children of their own.
As I write my latest work, Pieces in the Swell, where a portion of the plot is about my protagonist’s journey searching for her birth parents, I came to actually searching for my own. I want to write to the reality of the feelings, emotions and mystery of it all.
Some interesting things have happened since my 1st post on Where Is Home Now? I’ve since taken 23andMe and Ancestry DNA tests and found cousins!
Where I stated I felt like I had no home, now I feel I belong somewhere and that I’m actually made up of what my parents told me I was…Native American and Filipino – just as they are. You may say, well why would they have lied to you? It’s not them, it’s the adoption agency. Some shady shit went down in the early 70’s and who knows what social workers or agency workers would say to get rid of babies.
The relief was real. The sense of belonging and having real blood family has been overwhelming. Without going into detail I come from a very interesting family with an amazing story. I feel so lucky to have two family histories that are filled with so much historical relevance on my British/Irish and Native American sides (I’ll share more on this in the future).
In closing…I’ve been talking with my cousins. One of which is, ironically, a geneticist at UCLA! What are the odds? My family tree is GNARLY and what a gift. I can’t tell you how giddy I am about the whole thing, no matter the outcome.
The adventure continues and I’ll leave you with a portion of the last communication from my cousin – I’m paraphrasing here: ‘Here’s some speculative information, if your birth mother is XXX, she is deceased. If your birth mother is XXX, she left her family to join a cult in the desert.’ Woah.
Stay tuned!
Xxx – Ann Marie
October 23, 2018
October 22, 2018
October 18, 2018
September 2, 2018
Where Is Home Now? (Part One)
Where Is Home Now?
Part 1
That first moment when you wake from sleep. That brief second of peace right before your brain truly starts to fire – then the truth of the day before hits you like a cast iron pan to the head. The tears begin to form and trickle out over your face.
The year was 1994. I was 23 years old. The year is 2018. I am 47 years old.
Loss is loss, is loss is loss. The profound emptiness and pain that loss leaves you is really unexplainable until you walk in its shoes, until you wake up the next day and realize it’s real.
That very first day you realize a loved one is gone forever – whether through a break up, a divorce or a death. That moment when you know it’s permanent, it’s forever altered. There’s no going back. I truly only know death, but I’ve talked to many who mourn their failed marriage or union - I can only image it and liken it to a death too.
There is a commonality in such losses – each a little different, but hearts no less flattened, cracked, or broken.
My mom is gone. She’s dead. I’ll never hear her voice again. I’ll never feel her embrace again. She won’t be there when I get married. She won’t be a grandma. I just can’t believe it.
Those are the thoughts that run on loop for a decade. Each major life event is a splinter in the memory, though time dulls the pain of loss and hope fills the gaping hole. Faith and hope carry you. It brings you peace knowing that one day you will, you will see your loved one again.
My dad is gone. He’s dead. I’ll never hear his voice again. I’ll never feel his embrace again.
This time it’s different, REALLY different. It’s different because the loss doesn’t seem as piercing. Yes, there’s a deep sadness, but the memories are much more abundant. He was there. He walked me down the isle. He became a grandpa. He lived a full, well-lived life.
This time it’s different. It’s different because I feel like I have no home to go to. I know that may sound strange, because I have my own family. I do have a beautiful home. So let me preface it this way - for many of us Mom and Dad, they are home. Whether it’s together, or separate – Mom and Dad give us a place to go, no matter how old we are. We go to Mom and Dad’s for this or that. Now I have no home.
This is something I’m contending with…
Each day living in this reality brings me down another path. The other day I stood on the pier staring out at the ocean and the beach. It was the first day I felt at peace, hopeful.
I finally felt well that day.
Wellness. Wellness in grief and mourning – that short walk did me well. You know what else made me feel well? Getting up and making my bed. That simple little task made me feel like I had my shit together.
What’s next? I guess I’ll share that at some point because sharing is caring.
We all need a little hope. We all need to feel connected, like someone gets me, someone gets what I’m going through. We all need to shine a little light for each other in darkness and loss.
You are not alone and neither am I.
~ xxx Ann Marie
June 15, 2016
April 6, 2016
Here & There
It's been ages since I've posted anything bloggy! Excited that my website is back up and running. I let it slip away for a bit, as I've been in my creative cave! I have some exciting things coming up with the final "Jake & Alyssa" installment in the Heavy Influence book series! I just finished shooting a series promo called "Just Jake", looking to draw in old and new readers to their epic love story! I'm hoping to release it within the next month or so with a little virtuall release party with bookish giveaways and the like! Stay tuned in here!
xxx ~ Ann Marie
March 18, 2014
March 1, 2014
February 19, 2014
I’ll walk with you…
Love from the bottom up!
