Daniel Lyons's Blog, page 19

Things Apple is worth more than

That's the title of this awesome Tumblr recommended to me by my longtime cyberpal, Faddah. It's a pretty staggering list:

* The entire US automotive aftermarket

* The GDP of Denmark

* All of the gold at the New York Federal Reserve

* The economy of Singapore

* All of the illegal drugs in the world

And on and on. Definitely worth a look.

I never even figured out how to pronounce Leo Apotheker's name, and now he's gone already

That's the word on the street, anyway. The HP board meets today and supposedly they're going to can him. Apotheker (in photo at right, shown adjusting earpiece where he receives instructions from outer space) has been at HP for only 10 months but in that time has set a new record for creating chaos and wreaking havoc. There's a rumor that HP's board will hire Meg Whitman to take his place, to which one can only say: Wow. Why not Carol Bartz? Why not Chauncey Gardiner? Oh wait — they've already had him.

Rapid growth in Linux

Much love to the friend who sent this in. I don't know if this chart is for real but I must say it does fit with my own less-than-scientific research into the Linux community.

Michael Arrington isn't the only one about to launch a new tech site

I just learned last night of a new tech site run by a well-known big name in tech hackery that I think is going to be huge. Will go live in a week and I can't say much about it at this point except that (a) it's not going to do news; and (b) if it works it will be the most useful gadget site and buyer's guide in the world. Will say more when I can but for now I'm sworn to secrecy.

Rumor: TechCrunch trying to poach staff from AllThingsD, having no luck

A source close to the action tells me that someone at TC has been reaching out trying to steal people from rival tech blog AllThingsD. The answer from all those contacted: "Not in a million years."

TechCrunch has become a clown show, and I totally love it

Q: What do you get when you mix overweening self-regard with extreme self-pity and a total lack of self-awareness?

A: TechCrunch.

Oh, how these guys have been victimized! Oh, how brilliant they are, how much better than everyone else, and how nobly they suffer for their art and for freedom of expression! Oh, how they mock their tormentors, and laugh even as they are scourged and whipped and hung to die on the cross of corporate greed! Oh, the wringing of hands! The gnashing of teeth! The backstabbing and betrayal! The secret deals and corporate scheming! The lust for power! Oh, how they keep on moaning about their plight, not realizing that we're not laughing with them, we're laughing at them.

First, Paul Carr (above, at left) posts an article in which he quits in a huff, vowing to take his revenge on Arianna Huffington by depriving her of his pointless once-a-week columns. Then Erick Schonfeld (above right) accepts the resignation but calls Paul Carr some names and tells him to get stuffed. Then M.G. Siegler (above, middle, blue hair) has a huff of his own on his personal blog. So much huffing! Everyone's in a snit!

Paul Carr (aka Shakes) has no idea what he'll do next, but he just don't give a shite cause that's how he rolls! M.G. can't understand why the people who run AOL have not reached out to him during all this, though, as he puts it, with the bad-ass "swagger" for which TechCrunch is known, "I'm not losing any sleep over it." Obviously not, right? I mean obviously he hasn't given it a second thought about why AOL hasn't called him, which is why he's writing about it.

Anyway it's probably just as well that AOL didn't call M.G. because those backstabbing stiffs and corporate mofos at AOL sure as hell could not handle the truth that M.G. would be firing down the line at them, all loud and upper case and shit, just bam-bam-bam oh-no-you-di'n't-oh-yes-I-did. Or maybe M.G. wouldn't even pick up that call at all. He'd see "Tim Armstrong" in the caller ID on his swagger-ass iPhone 4 and just say, Fuck it, that corporate motherfucker can go through to voice mail and kiss my white ass on the way. Because really — think about it. Why would a bad-ass renegade writer of the Truth even pick up the phone and say hello to some suit from AOL who doesn't know jack shit about being a bad-ass swaggering tech journalist, amiright?

How's it feel to be ignored, Arianna? Because you know what? You suck. Yeah, that's right. I just said that. I just wrote that. On a blog. On TechCrunch. The blog you own. And I wrote it about you. And there ain't nothing you can do about it because it's out there. The whole world is gonna read it now and they will all know exactly what I think about you. That's right! This is my barbaric yawp that tears the friggin scalp right off your entire bullshit capitalism system which I despise in a kind of techno-beat-poet style even as I make a living off it. Wallow in the irony of that if you can even wrap your tiny mind around my reality, okay? All that is what I'm saying to you when I don't pick up your phone call, Arianna. And you can just read between the lines and feel the pain of my implied blow-off, rich lady who bought my Web site and wants to ruin it.

M.G. also reassures his readers that "no matter what happens," he'll be fine. Maybe so, but the worlds of technology and journalism will never be the same! How fitting it is for this band of courageous hacks to go out in a blaze of glory. Burn with fury, oh poets of the Valley! Rage against the dying of the light! Long after you are gone the world will remember that once — yes, once, in a different time — there lived men like you, brave giants who strode the earth with swagger and fuck-you attitude, who feared not the wrath of their corporate overlords, who turned defiant faces upward and bit — yes, bit, with sharpened teeth — the hand that fed them, who stood loyal beside their King and Leader and refused to break ranks when surrounded by the enemy, vowing instead to fight to their last breath.

This — yes, this! This glory, this wonder! This was Camelot! This, my friends, was TechCrunch.

Would you rent your toilet to a stranger?

These and other weighty questions of the day are what Dave Thackeray and I tackle on the latest episode of The Double D Guys.

I'm sorry, but Arianna Huffington could beat the living shit out of Tim Armstrong and Barry Diller even if they fought together and were armed with knives

NEW FALLOUT from the Arrington-Huffington-Armstrong-AOL kerfuffle: Yesterday at a conference Barry Diller said that AOL should not have fired Michael Arrington, and that that when Arianna complained to Armstrong about Arrington's journalism ethics, Armstrong should have told her "Shut up and go back to your room." One problem with this suggestion: Have you ever met Arianna? The woman is an Amazon. Like six feet tall in bare feet, in heels more like seven. I mean she towers. And yes, Tim Armstrong is even taller, but I'd still put my money on Arianna in hand-to-hand combat if only because I believe she would fight dirty, like those pro wrestlers who keep razor blades and little pouches of salt in their boots.

[Disclosure: I work for Barry, albeit somewhat indirectly. Nevertheless, if he told me to go into a room and tangle with Arianna, I would politely say, "No, please, you first."]

Ultra fanboy Andy Ihnatko raves about Windows 8 and Metro

No, seriously. It's his column in the Chicago Sun-Times. Knock me over with a feather. It's a great column, and worth reading all of it. But to summarize: Metro is cool, so let's hope Microsoft doesn't screw it up between now and release time. A solid tablet OS from Microsoft could put pressure on Apple, but the real loser is Google, which still can't figure out how to get Android working on a tablet.

Plus, some great metaphors to describe traditional Window. Like this:

Metro is the swift, graceful center of the Windows 8 experience. But the traditional Windows interface is still right there, like a mud-coated crocodile lying in wait at the water's edge as the thirsty baby gazelle draws closer.

And this:

Every time the classic Windows 7 interface pops up, it looks like a drunken uncle at an otherwise elegant family wedding.

God I love Andy Ihnatko.

Kara Swisher already hates whatever Michael Arrington does next

"It's sleazy, unethical, and crosses all sorts of boundaries. But it's typical Arrington, obnoxious and outrageous and arrogant and totally offensive in every possible way. He's still the same old egomaniac. The new site is just me-me-me, wah-wah-look-at-me-because-I'm-such-a-big-spoiled-crybaby, all the time. I can't even look at it because it makes me sick to my stomach," Kara did not say to me when I did not speak to her but instead just chose to imagine what she is already thinking.