Heidi Angell's Blog, page 46

Sneak Peek, Hell School Fresh Meat

I am going to start offering sneak peeks into my current projects. As I mentioned earlier this week, my current focus is the first book of my four-part series Hell School: Fresh Meat.
Tentative Cover title. Thoughts?
This is one of the hardest books I have written to date. I actually started working on this book in 1999. The reason I have struggled over the years is that this series is based on a true story, MY true story.

It has a very personal note for me because most of the stalker stories are based on my own experience. Yes, the book is listed as fiction and the finale is fiction, but only based on my deepest fears. All through high school I was plagued by a stalker and no one was able to do anything for me. I approached teachers, the police, counselors and even the principal and vice principal. But since my stalker had not already done something, there was nothing they could do.

A lot of my friends made fun of me and some even suggested that I was paranoid and watched too much TV. Things like that didn’t happen in our little town. Fortunately my mom taught me to be smart and cautious. I never went anywhere by myself, trusted my gut, and did everything I could to stay off of his radar. Unfortunately, I missed out on a lot of what most high school kids do. I never went to a high school party, because I was afraid he might show up. I went to two football games, but then he found out that I was going and showed up at my third and last football game.

I did go to my proms, because I found dates who wouldn't be a problem. But I never had a boyfriend from high school. There were a few guys who were interested, but he would invariably threaten or scare them off. I wasn’t worth pursuing when they had to deal with a six foot four behemoth who had such pleasant nick names as Wolfman Jack or Lumber Jack from Hell. (No, I did not make those up.)

As soon as I graduated I booked it for the least likely college that he could get into and made sure that no one except my closest friends and family knew where I was. That Thanksgiving I got a call from one of my friends. She asked if I had gotten the newspaper. When I said no, she said she would be at my house in ten minutes.

There was an article about my stalker in the paper under arrests.  Apparently when I had disappeared from the scene he started stalking a beautician who had a boyfriend.  My stalker beat her boyfriend half to death!

Image from Customer Lobby Blog



The problem with our society is that “Stalker” is a term that has been thrown around so loosely that people do not know when to take it seriously. Unless a stalker actually physically does something there is nothing that the police can do about it. Women are attacked, raped, beaten and often killed because of what someone at some point labeled as “just a stalker.” Those of us who have had a stalker and survived are lucky, but I still feel so much guilt that if someone had just listened to me and paid attention that girl and her boyfriend would not have gone through that.

The way a stalker changes you is permanent. Even if they do not actually attack you, your perception of the world is very different. My husband now laughs at me because for the longest time I would not have a facebook/myspace/twitter account. He thinks it is because I am a technophobe, but the truth is: I am afraid. Sane people should not put their private information out there for the predator’s to see.

He laughs, because I always take my keys out before I leave a store: The truth, I am always hyper vigilant and have to have something (even just a key) that could be used as a weapon.
I don’t like to go out to clubs unless I’m in a group. I don’t like shopping at night and will avoid it like the plague. I hate big shopping days like Black Friday. I don’t go out much and I never just drive around. I am constantly checking in and I want him and my children to do the same. He says I am a control freak. I say I am a survivor.

My kids love to have What if: discussions such as “what if there was a zombie apocalypse, what could you do to survive?:
What if a burglar broke in what would you do?
What if you were in a slasher movie, how would you survive?

My answers awe, mystify and even sometimes scare them. I don’t have to think about what I would be willing to do, because I have already evaluated that a long time ago and I know what I would do. I took women’s self-defense. I won’t leave my children out of my sight in public for two minutes. They cannot hang out with kids I don’t know, or go to a friend’s house unless I know the parents. (And I’m not talking about a quick five minute conversation over the phone, I’m talking hung out with and talked with and even done research on "know".)

My husband thinks I am a paranoid control freak. I know I am a paranoid control freak. The world is a scary place and people don’t want to see it in their own little communities. Refusing to see it or thinking that would never happen here is exactly what allows these predators to continue to hunt and harm others.

I hope this book opens your eyes. I doubt you will think it is fun, but I do hope you will think it is a good read. I hope you will find it educational and I hope it will help you become a survivor, not another victim.


That is my introduction to the book. The Preface, if you will. 

I have struggled back and forth on how to tell the story. I have debated bringing it to current time, telling the whole story in one book, telling it in first person, versus writing in third person, but really the hardest part is telling the story. The first several times I started the story, I would have PTSD-like recurring nightmares, would feel like I was being watched, and be afraid of being alone. 
Time heals all wounds, and I am finally ready to focus on how to tell the story. I look forward to sharing more as I progress! 
What do you think of this story? Would you like to learn more? Share in the comments below! 

Pretty-Shield: Medicine Woman of the Crows by Frank B Linderman, A Book Review

Genre: Biography, memoir, anthropological study

Synposis: Pretty-shield, the legendary medicine woman of the Crows, remembered what life was like on the Plains when the buffalo were still plentiful. A powerful healer who was forceful, astute, and compassionate, Pretty-shield experienced many changes as her formerly mobile people were forced to come to terms with reservation life in the late nineteenth century.
Pretty-shield told her story to Frank Linderman through an interpreter and using sign language. The lives, responsibilities, and aspirations of Crow women are vividly brought to life in these pages as Pretty-shield recounts her life on the Plains of long ago. She speaks of the simple games and dolls of an Indian childhood and the work of the girls and women—setting up the lodges, dressing the skins, picking berries, digging roots, and cooking. Through her eyes we come to understand courtship, marriage, childbirth and the care of babies, medicine-dreams, the care of the sick, and other facets of Crow womanhood.
My Take: OK, my mom got this book when she was in college, and I read it when I was very young. I loved it so much, that I still have that copy and have read it about a dozen times! Something about Native American History calls to me. It always has. (No one has noticed that many of my books have Native Americans in them, have they?)  Perhaps it is the need to connect with my heritage, perhaps it comes from growing up in Montana, so close to the reservation. Maybe it is my Underdog complex, I don't know. 
But this book is an amazing view of Native Americans. It not only shows the culture and history, but how that changed with being forced to live on the reservation. It is not about legendary characters, or massive game changing events (though they do briefly discuss her memories of some events that may not be big in the collective memory of Native American history, but were catastrophic for this tribe.)
Pretty Shield focuses on the every day, and makes it beautiful. She shares stories of her youth, stories of her People. It is simple, elegant, and enlightening. I am sure I will read it again soon. 

Best Laid Plans

Hello my lovely readers, we have an exciting guest post today from author Anne Conley, sharing her story. For those who are fans of romance, this looks like a fun read! 

Let me let Anne tell you about her story.

Once upon a time, I wrote a short story for an anthology.  The anthology didn't do all that well, and after about six months or so, I decided to re-write the story, and make it longer.  It's a cute story, fluffy, not like most of the Stories of Serendipity.  But I like it, and the readers that I've heard from so far like it too.

This go-around, I'm trying out KU, so at the moment, The Best Laid Plans of Boys and Men is only available on Kindle.  But it's FREE to KU members, so I'm hoping it will help me gain some exposure and maybe even a few new fans... The Best Laid Plans of Boys and Men tells the story of the whirlwind May/December romance between Taylor and Alexander. While Taylor is completely caught off guard by Alexander’s maturity and the difference between him and every other boy she’s dated, Alexander’s busy trying to figure out how to tell her he’s the lawyer suing her pants off. 

Here is the Amazon Link I hope everyone enjoys this little story of mine, about Alexander and Taylor.  I sure did enjoy writing it!
Excerpt from the first chapter of The Best Laid Plans of Boys and Men:AlexanderThe bell tinkling over the door announced his entrance into The Unique Hairtique, and Alexander was immediately assaulted by the scents of chemicals and shampoo.  Why did women put this shit on their hair?  This was why he went to a barber shop for his trims.  Clean smells were what he was used to, not this…“Hi!  Can I help you?” He looked into the eyes of an angel—eyes which were a deep hazel, moss green fading to an earthy brown at the edges.  She was standing at the station nearest to the door, sweeping hair from the floor.“Uh…yeah.”  He found himself swallowing past a sudden lump in his throat, wondering where it had come from.  Alexander Gibson was never at a loss for words, but the dark blonde hair piled into a messy bun with tendrils artfully escaping called to him.  “I need a trim.”“I can get you.  Come have a seat.”  She emptied the dustpan into a trash can and opened a drawer on a rolling cart, whipping out a smock for him to wear.  “Same style, just a little shorter, right?”  Her fingers ran through his dark hair, sending a tremor of goose bumps up his arms.  They toyed with the silvery hairs at his temples, lightly plucking the shock of hair over his forehead.  “You like this long on top?  Or do you want it out of the way?”“What do you think?”  For some reason he wanted her opinion.  She was quite a bit younger than him, but he was fascinated by her—her lips, her eyelashes, the rosy bloom on her cheeks.  He’d always had that shock of hair there; he didn’t particularly like his hair super-short.  It was one of his best features, not that he was vain about it, but women seemed to like to play with that particular part.  “I think it’s sexy,” she grinned at Alexander, and he felt a stirring under the smock at the way her lips formed the word.  He thought she was sexy too, but he kept that to himself.He grinned back at her, suddenly feeling twenty years younger.  “Then I’ll keep it.”  He watched as she grabbed the spray bottle from the cart to wet his hair.  “Um… can I get the works?  A shampoo and everything?”  He suddenly wanted to prolong this experience.  What had started as a chore had turned into something he needed to savor.  He’d never had everything done for him at his barber shop, but the need to feel this angel’s hands in his hair was suddenly extreme.Her eyes widened in surprise, but that was the only reaction to a man asking for the pampering afforded by a place like this.  Most men he knew only let the stylist wet their hair and then cut it.  She swiftly hung the spray bottle back on the cart and smiled again.  Her smile aligned something in Alexander’s insides.  This woman was doing something to him, and he couldn’t explain it.  Nor did he want her to stop.“Sure.  Follow me back here.”  She turned and strode to the back of the shop where a row of sinks waited.  He watched her backside move under the tight black capris she wore, pretending he had ex-ray vision, ridiculously glad for the smock hiding his stiffy.Five minutes later, Alexander was officially in some erotic heaven he’d never experienced before, and he’d completely forgotten why he’d come here in the first place, only that he never wanted to leave.  “…Christ…”  Words could not describe the feelings of her hands on his head, massaging his scalp, running through his hair, lathering it up.  “That feels so good.”  He looked up at her to see a smirk on her face.“It’s the best part of the whole hair-cutting experience.”  Her smirk turned to a wicked grin, and Alexander was helpless to stop his raging boner.  He crossed his legs to hide the bulge.  Instead, he focused on what he could see of the woman hovering over him, rocking back and forth with her movements.This was quite possibly the most sensual thing he’d ever experienced.  While she washed, his eyes crept to her exposed cleavage and the black lace peeking from the black v-neck t-shirt she wore.  He watched the cleavage bounce—smooth white skin, marked with a tiny mole at the top of her left breast—as she lathered his hair vigorously.  Her toned biceps and forearms flexed with the movements, and he was powerless to do anything besides close his eyes and relax with a groan.  As soon as his eyes closed, her scent overwhelmed him—a light floral scent, mixed with an underlying musk that screamed female.  He inhaled deeply, desperate to cling to the images of skin sliding across skin, tangled sheets, and sweat that suddenly invaded his mind.



Who knew haircuts could be so steamy?!

Anne was kind enough to send me a copy and I will be reviewing it in the coming weeks. Anyone want to read along and do a group review? Go download your free copy and let me know in the comments below. I will get in touch with you before my post to get your thoughts on the book as well! 

Book Review: Runaway Ralph by Beverly Cleary

Genre: Midgrade Fiction

Back of the Book: Ralph, the adventurous mouse, sets out for a children's summer camp on his motorcycle after being teased and chided by his family.

My Take: I loved this book as a kid, and am amazed how well my garage sale copy held up! My youngest picked it off the shelf for our family reading time as we are in between series until after Christmas ;)

It was unfortunate timing, as we had just put out poison because over a month of live traps had not cured our mouse infestation. But the book was as fun and as charming as I remember, and left me feeling very guilty when my son begged me to go back to the live traps and pleaded to keep one as a pet. Alas, the poison did its job. 

Cleary's writing is far from brilliant, but her storytelling is superb. She breathes life into her characters and now I have a bit more insight into why I don't like cats, I feel guilty for putting out poison to kill mice, and I always dreamed of going to summer camp!  Still loved it after all these years! 

Until next time, 

Keep Reading!

Happy New Year: My Goals for 2015

Image from Happy New Year Wallpapers

Hello lovely readers, if there are any still out there. I do apologize. There have been some major changes in my life this last year.  Because of them, I have struggled with reorganizing my limited time and making time for writing. But I am actively working on my Stalker series, and plan to publish the first book in the series, Hell School: Fresh Meat, this year.

I have been doing A LOT of thinking on whether to pick the blog back up, how I would go about it if I did, and if it was truly beneficial to my writing, or would only distract from my limited writing schedule.  Here I am, so I guess we are going to do this!

My goals for 2015 are around focusing on my writing. I had to take a "real job" in 2014. (You have no idea how hard it was to write that. I have published 5 books, but can't consider it a real job since I am not making a real living from it... yet)  On a plus note, this job allows me the money to pay for decent covers, to pay for marketing and to pay for promotion. The downside is that it takes up 40 hours a week. That's a lot of writing time. But in 2015 I will be working on making writing a priority outside that 40 hour work week.

I am focusing on putting my marketing dollars to work; getting my books out there more, and building up a readership. I have great reviews from those who have read my books, but two years working social media has shown me that it isn't enough to get out there and build up my reputation. There are too many other authors competing for the free space.  I am not going to completely disappear from social media, but as I am sure many of you have already noticed, I don't have as much time. I will be there more in 2015, but my main focus is going to be producing quality writing to entertain you. That doesn't necessarily include clever posts, pretty pins, or 124 character tweets.

I have seven books beating around in my brain. The four-part Hell School series, the sequel to The Hunters, the Third book in the Clear Angel Chronicles and an Infection story I actually wrote two years ago, but lost in the move. I don't expect to finish them all in 2015, that would be insane! But I definitely need to get them going!

That, on top of my personal goals will keep me pretty busy! Look forward to staying in touch with all of you in 2015!


 Until next time,

Keep Reading!

Eternal City, Book 5 in The Castleton Series is out!!

Hello lovelies!

I am so excited to announce that the fifth book in The Castleton Series released yesterday!!

Genre- Sci-fi, YA

Synopsis- Seven generations from now an island rises out of the ocean between Brazil and Africa. Archaeologists are stunned to find the ruins of an unknown city. Chaz Newcomb and his team arrive to begin a dig, but are forced to abandon their work when all but he fall into a mysterious trance. There is only one way to identify the city: go back in time and visit it before it disappeared. Once again, the Auckland’s and the CT 9225’s crews combine their efforts. Their quest takes them to the dawn of humanity where they encounter the last of the Neanderthals, about to go extinct. They also find the lost city, inhabited by an unknown species of humans with amazing technology. The inhabitants have been overtaken by a trance, all but Carolus Nukium, and the city’s three leaders, a set of triplets that call themselves the Triumvirate. When the city sinks below the sea, the Triumvirate goes into stasis; reappearing 12,000 years later at the archaeological dig. There, they discover that humans can now time travel and head for the Time Institute to seize its technology, knowing it will make them invincible. The crews follow in hot pursuit with no idea of the price they are about to pay.

My Take:  My boys are so excited to read this, and I am excited to read it with them! They have absolutely loved every single one of The Castleton series! But I try very hard to read what they are reading before we read it, especially after awkward questions from Rick Roirdan's books caught me completely unprepared! The Eternal City is an exciting and unique take on the lost city of Atlantis. I love the educational elements of all of Mike's books. After The Triangle, my boys were wanting to learn more about pilots and we just watched Flyboys as a direct result of reading Mike's book. I am eagerly looking for information to expand on the myriad of questions I am anticipating about Atlantis, Neanderthals, and Greece. When was the last time your kids read a book that made them want to learn more about history? 

Love, love, love this series!! 

Here are the links to get your own copy in e-book format or paperback. 

Start an exciting adventure with your own kids, or for your own pleasure, today! 

Review: The Unfolding of a Rose by Mamie Smith

Genre: Biography, Spiritual

Synopsis: Author Mamie Smith recounts her daughter Meta Rose's life, and untimely death due to cancer and botched surgery, sharing lessons she learned from Christian Science along the way. The story starts out in 1962 when Meta is just a toddler and the family is moved to Germany because Meta's father is in the military. It follows their lives as they move to Japan, and then back to the states, but never really settling down. It follows Mamie's introduction to Christian science in Japan, her later encounters with it, her eventual conversion, her daughter's conversion, their lives and experiences that led up to Meta finding out that she had cancer, treating it with Christian Science, turning to modern medicine and the surgery that Mamie believes caused her daughter's death. It follows the long hard road this mother walked, holding her daughter through sickness, trying to heal her with her beliefs, and then ultimately losing her, and processing that loss through her beliefs.


Good
The story is heartfelt, deep, and emotionally involving. A mother's loss and pain is a great burden to bear. Mamie's catharsis (this book) to process the good, the bad, and the ugly of her experiences; and move to a place of healing is a wonderful experience to witness. Her love and devotion to her daughter is heroic and endearing. Her guilt over her daughter's death is heartbreaking. The emotions run deep in this story, so keep a box of tissues handy.

Bad


This book was clearly a self-published, or at best a vanity published book. Being self-published is not the problem, but this book desperately needed a non-biased editor for content and flow. The story portrays itself as being about Meta, but it really isn't. It is about Mamie. And that is fine. The story of a mother's conversion, her love for her children, her processing of grief after losing one of them, that is an acceptable story. But without the focus being in the right place, the story is split. Sometimes it is about Meta. Sometimes it is about extraneous details about the family's life, mostly it is about Mamie and the way she saw these events in her life. A good editor could have helped her cut out parts that were not relevant to the story, to fluff up parts that were probably more relevant, and to help re-align the focus. They could've helped Mamie show the story, instead of telling it all.


The Ugly

I try very hard to be respectful of other people's beliefs, religious and otherwise. I respect many religious believers' right to not believe in modern medicine, to put their faith in God healing them. I do question the practice when it endangers others, however.  I found comfort in the story Mamie shares about when she decided that she would heal herself of her need to wear glasses, and a man from the church man pointed out to her that by refusing to wear her glasses while she was driving, and relying on God to heal her, she was endangering others. The man gave her several citations to read on "spiritual sense". It gave me a different perspective on what I thought I knew about Christian Scientists.

And yet, Mamie condemns cancer treatment in this book. She blames the doctors who "botched" the surgery, for her daughter's death. Yes, she goes about it in a very sweet way not blaming them for their shortsightedness. Looking at their sin of fear as the reason that they would not take responsibility for butchering her daughter, and turning her own belief of her ability to heal her daughter and her seen failure into a spiritual lesson of healing the spiritual part of her daughter and therefore not failing.   All of that is good, I guess, but the overall message that she is spreading to others is not to trust doctors, to trust God to heal you.

A wonderful message, except that science and medicine cure hundreds of thousands of people every day!  Early prevention and detection increases the chance of success of treatment. Who knows what might have happened if Meta had not waited to get treatment? It may have turned out the same way, because medicine is fallible. It is not perfect. Then again, Meta may not have had to have such invasive surgery in the first place. I was raised that God made man in his own image, that our cleverness was a gift from God. What we do with our cleverness is up to us, but medicine is a product of that cleverness. A product that, for the most part, does more good than harm. Yes, we should use wisdom in how we implement medicine. Yes, we should weigh the pros and the cons of any given surgery. But to ignore the tools that God has given us through the gift of ingenuity is as much a sin of fear, in my mind.

The spiritual growth and learning in this story is worth the read, but I cannot get on board with the overall message and theme. It hits too close to home for me.

Update: It's Been Awhile

Hello Lovelies,

It has been awhile, and I apologize for that. I have been super busy getting ready for FanX coming up in April, working a full-time job to pay for all the snifty merch, prepping new books to launch, and being sick. Yep, I am home sick (so please excuse any and all spelling/ grammar/ general errors).

I had this lovely schedule planned where I would post once a week while doing all this other stuff, but it just hasn't happened. Yet here I am laid down low by strep and it is time to  touch base with you guys again. Get you up to date and let you know that I have not quit, I am just doing a lot of rallying.

I have joined the rank of authors who work a full time job, and write. (Ok, in my case I am working two full time jobs, still as vp of Soul Star, and now a new job to fund Soul Star's endeavors) It is tough. There are never enough hours in the day. So while out sick I came to some conclusions. I need to blog. I need to keep in touch with you guys. But you will find the posts a bit shorter.

I need to keep doing book reviews. I have about ten books that I have finished reading and not posted the reviews for. That is crazy! There is no excuse for that! So, you will be seeing more reviews coming up. I'll be taking on a different format, I think. Following the short and sweet. But they will be coming.

I need to learn to ask for help. This is something I have always struggled with. Partly because I feel that asking for help makes me less independent, but mostly because I am a little OCD and feel that no one will do it as well as I do. And yet, I have found a couple of fantastic artists who are redoing the covers for several of Soul Star's books. They are wonderful! They do it far better than I could. I need to get past this inability to ask for help.

So here goes: I would like to ask each of you who read this blog to share it with others. Seeing that it is being read will help motivate me to keep writing.

I would like to ask each of you who have read any of my books to post reviews on Goodreads, Amazon, Smashwords, and even on your own blog (if you haven't done so already).


I would like to ask you to share my social media updates. Help me tell people about our books!

If you have read books by Soul Star, I would like to ask you to post reviews for them. We have published some really wonderful Sci-Fi and Fantasy books. Share them with your friends!



If you haven't read any of our books, I would like to ask you to find something you like, read, and post a review.

I would like to ask you to share the love!

Until next time,
keep reading and writing

A Special Holiday Gift

Hello lovelies,

I started this blog in February, 2011. It was "the first step" in "building my author platform".  and it has been a rocky road the last three years. Gosh, it has only been three years?!  Anyway, I'm not really sure that anyone even reads most of my posts. I suppose that is because I don't post consistently or something.
I have been all over the map of marketing, trying to promote my writing, build an audience, get reviews, and all the things "They" say I am supposed to be doing to get my books out to the world.

And you know what? I am tired.

I am doing a lot of soul searching and one of the things that I am doing, in a last ditch effort to reach the masses. (most of which don't read this blog, so this post is probably pointless.) is to offer my e-books on Smashwords for whatever price you are willing to pay. Here is the video I made to announce it. It has all the details, if you are interested in getting one of my books.



It was supposed to be a cute and funny video. I had planned to do my little Ely Preston speech, mention that he suggested that the key to being funny was surprise, show off my books with details about how awesome they were, end with a little blurb about how this was a gift from my family to yours, have my boys and I sing  the chorus of "We Wish you a Merry Christmas, and then my boys were going to hit me with snowballs. Surprise laugh. Cute, right? But the one thing that kept hitting me was "be authentic." and I couldn't make it through the recording without crying. A lot. (And for those of you who have known me for a long time, know that I don't cry.) I went on my little rant and voila. I probably should've just not posted it. Scrapped the video. But I can't. That would not be authentic. I am tired of putting the Pollyanna spin on everything I do.

This last year has been really rough on my family. In some ways, the changes are for the better, but in a lot of ways the changes are just changes. They cause upheaval, but have not left us better off in the long run. Some have even left us worse off.

Since I began this writing adventure, I have published five books. All the "writing advice" out there insists that you cannot expect to make a living as a writer until you have at least five books under your belt. Well, here I am at that magic five book number, and yet I would be making more at McDonalds working part-time than I am currently making.

And I am tired. I spend more time marketing, promoting, pitching, and pleading for reviews than I spend writing.

And I am tired. I've spent more money buying books, merchandise, advertising, and images than I could've made working part-time at McDonalds.

And I am tired. I've worked more hours a week than I ever have in my life. More hours than when I was going to school full-time, working full-time, and raising two toddlers.

And I am tired.

The only reviews I have are ones that I have specifically pushed for from blog reviewers, a few friends, and one or two family members. Out of the (literally thousands) of reviewers I have personally submitted my books to, I have gotten a total of  43 rankings, and 34 reviews. I am grateful to those who were willing to post those reviews. Very grateful.

But I am tired. I am tired of spending most days not writing, for the sake of marketing and promotion and selling. I am tired of spending hours writing special requests to reviewers that almost never get open. I am tired of not selling books.

I am tired of not being able to pay my student loans. I am tired of my house always being a mess. I am tired of scrimping and saving, in the hopes that I can afford to send out the "freebies" and "promotion items" in an effort to get readers and reviewers to pay attention. I am tired of the tension this is causing in my family. I am tired of not being able to write, which was the whole point of this venture in the first place.

I have been running this campaign for about a week now, and have almost doubled my downloads. Sadly, most aren't willing to pay. They are picking the "free" option. I've gotten exactly two reviews from all those downloads. Now, hopefully others will be reading the books over their holiday breaks, and more reviews will come in eventually. (There goes my Pollyanna again, putting the good spin on.)

But I am tired of pushing and promoting and pleading and giving my hard work away for free. What is the point?

Another author commented that most authors of any talent were never famous in their lifetime. Isn't that a tragic condemnation to the arts? I don't want fame, I am just tired of being ignored. I don't want fortune, I just want to be able to feed my family.

I guess I've got a lot more soul searching to do.

In response to a comment in The Black Bruins Video

I watched this video and was impressed with these young men speaking out about something that they felt was an injustice. I was impressed with their using words and art to convey their feelings of frustration. I was impressed with their cohesive expression. I was impressed with a lot.   




I went on to read the comments on the video and found a lot of sad, unthoughtful responses. I did not waste my time an energy on those. It is not productive. Then I read a comment I could relate with:
Numuves : "I'm not completely sure where I stand on this video. I was a bit confused by it to be honest but, I'm actually glad that there's some dialogue happening here which is probably a good thing. People don't talk openly enough about "race". Anyway, I'm noticing a lot of people throwing the word "White privilege" around as if it is a scientific fact and that it applies to all Whites. I'm pretty sure it isn't a proven fact like gravity and we shouldn't assume that just because you believe it to be true that it is the truth. A lot of people are saying that the true privilege is money and that's an interesting point. Anyway, I guess I'm just trying to say that it isn't helpful to dump your beliefs on others and then disparage them for not believing the exact same thing you do."
I replied: "I agree! I am white and I sure as hell don't get any privileges! But then folks might argue "well, you are a girl. That is what affirmative action is all about! Helping you out."  Except that 50.8 % of the US is female, all applying for those same scholarships. Those who have race and religion to add to the mix have a better chance of getting those scholarships than I did. And my "privileged white brother" couldn't get any scholarships, even though he was as qualified as I was. He had to drop out because he couldn't afford the debt. I took on the debt and now I can't get a job to pay it off. Welcome to the world of the "white privileged female" in the US. Life sucks for most of us no matter what our skin color, creed, sexual orientation, or religion. But if others don't speak out about their own experiences, then people don't know that, do they? "
And then Imcalledlove replied: "It's inaccurate to compare white privilege to something as tangible and physical as gravity. White privilege is intangible. The term white privilege has a long history, but most recently from an article by Peggy McIntosh, "Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack" (a great article). White privilege applies to all non-minority peoples who don't have to think about their race and how it effects their life on a daily basis. Are you profiled at the grocery store for writing a supposedly "bad check"? A person’s white privilege is reflected they second they wonder why people are still talking about race."
I had never read this article by McIntosh, so I decided to look it up. Yeah, I like to learn! I started to write a response in the comments section of Youtube, but realized it was a bit long (Lols, just a bit ;)  ) So I decided to write a blog post. Racism and socio-economics are topics that are near to my heart. Here is my response. 

It is interesting that McIntosh's article was written in 1988, and I have found that many of the points that she addresses are no longer true. Certainly, we have a ways to go in "leveling the playing field", but isn't it nice to look at the progress we HAVE made? And then it is also important to look at how many of those things apply to the economics as well? Growing up "poor", I think I can attest to this to an extent. 
Here are the "invisible knapsack" points that McIntosh addressed. She stated, "I decided to try to work on myself at least by identifying some of the daily effects of white privilege in my life. I have chosen those conditions that I think in my case attach somewhat more to skin-color privilege than to class, religion, ethnic status, or geographic location, though of course all these other factors are intricately intertwined. As far as I can tell, my African American coworkers, friends, and acquaintances with whom I come into daily or frequent contact in this particular time, place and time of work cannot count on most of these conditions." 
1. I can if I wish arrange to be in the company of people of my race most of the time. 
I can, but I am not comfortable with "white" people. My husband and I moved to "suburbia" after graduating and relocating cross-country for a job. I was so uncomfortable living there that as soon as our six month lease was up, we moved to a neighborhood with more diversity. We are all happier here than we were in "the American Dream" neighborhood.
2. I can avoid spending time with people whom I was trained to mistrust and who have learned to mistrust my kind or me. 
Nope, see above reference.
3. If I should need to move, I can be pretty sure of renting or purchasing housing in an area which I can afford and in which I would want to live. 
Beyond the first two questions, we have really struggled with renting properties. On top of that, after doubling our income we still cannot be considered for purchasing a home because our college debt is too high. We had to fudge the numbers to get a new car because our old car didn't meet the emission requirements in our new state, and we didn't make enough money.
4. I can be pretty sure that my neighbors in such a location will be neutral or pleasant to me. 
They weren't, which is why we moved.
5. I can go shopping alone most of the time, pretty well assured that I will not be followed or harassed. 
Nope. I am a woman. My husband benefited from this before we moved. Now he can't. Guess he knows how we feel now, huh?
6. I can turn on the television or open to the front page of the paper and see people of my race widely represented. 
Who can't? Well, maybe Native Americans... But when was the last time you saw images of people who couldn't afford a fancy new car, who were wearing hand me down clothes, who had to scrimp and save just to pay for their kids to eat... No one is advertising to us, because we can't afford what they are selling. 
7. When I am told about our national heritage or about "civilization," I am shown that people of my color made it what it is. 
Thanks to major progress in the education system, that is true for most races. But let me ask you this, when was the last time your race was demonized for the way they "conquered" and "subverted" other races to achieve this society? Columbus used to be praised, now he is villianized. He couldn't have known what the rest of the Europeans were going to do when he came here!
8. I can be sure that my children will be given curricular materials that testify to the existence of their race. 
See 7. My son's are mixed Native American and White, but with so much white that it is "a moot point" on stats. My "whitest looking and acting" child is so quick to tell people that he is 1/16th Native American.... because he is constantly treated differently, simply because he looks white.
9. If I want to, I can be pretty sure of finding a publisher for this piece on white privilege.
But I couldn't find a publisher for my works. I chose to self-publish, but can't afford to market my books. I work my butt off trying to utilize free opportunities, but so is every other starving artist. Yet people with money can publish a book in a heartbeat. They will even get a "real" publisher if they have an ounce of notoriety. Most of them don't even write their own books, they hire starving ghost writers who will take the measly payout without credit because they gotta eat. 

10. I can be pretty sure of having my voice heard in a group in which I am the only member of my race. 
None of us can claim this. Having taken plenty of minority classes where I was one of only a few white people in the room, I can attest that when I expressed my opinions about balance, it was chalked up to "white privilege" and quite vocally so.
11. I can be casual about whether or not to listen to another person's voice in a group in which s/he is the only member of his/her race. 
See number 10. Racism DOES swing both ways. And don't call it something else (reverse-racism) to make it seem ok. My family is not racist. We have taught tolerance and cultural understanding and respect, yet my "white" son has some really "racist" attitudes sometimes. Can I call that reverse-racism? He was taught to be mistrustful of other people because of the way they treated him. It is still racism. No religion says to treat others the way they treat you. No, we are supposed to treat others the way we want to be treated. It is why Martin Luther King is held to almost saint-like status, and the black panthers are labeled as criminals. I get that it is hard (my son is living proof) not to treat all people of a certain ethnicity the way that many have treated you. It is hard not to think that every white person is a racist when at every turn you see evidence of it in the media, in politics, in your own lives. But as I tell my son, if you start discriminating against all of them, because of what those kids have done to you, then you are no better than they are. Do we really want the pendulum to swing the other way? 
12. I can go into a music shop and count on finding the music of my race represented, into a supermarket and find the staple foods which fit with my cultural traditions, into a hairdresser's shop and find someone who can cut my hair. 
Most of us can say yes to many of these.... and none of us can find someone who can cut our hair at ANY hairdresser shop we go to. But I can't afford the fancy places who can cut my hair :(  
13. Whether I use checks, credit cards or cash, I can count on my skin color not to work against the appearance of financial reliability. 
But those credit scores will bust you EVERY TIME!
14. I can arrange to protect my children most of the time from people who might not like them. 
Which is why the Anti-bullying campaign rages strong today. My eldest has been horribly bullied because he is an easy target due to issues other than his skin tone, yet he is the whitest looking of all of us. So, yeah... nope.
15. I do not have to educate my children to be aware of systemic racism for their own daily physical protection. 
Nope, you don't have to because the school systems are doing it. Oh, wait, remember my son who is ashamed to be "white"?  And all these politicians and actors who are quick to point out that they are 1/4, 1/8, 1/16... blah, blah, blah! But on the economic end of it, people are poor because they choose to be. My kids can't have a phone like their friends because we are lazy and don't work hard enough. It has nothing to do with the debt we incurred because of school, or the medical bills, or the car payment. We must be spending our money in places we shouldn't. I mean, we are educated and white. How can things be so tough for us? Mind you, I am not complaining. We live within our means, no matter what the Jones' have. We are responsible and paying off our debts, rather than getting credit cards and sinking ourselves further. But our kids don't understand that. They are kids. They want what all the advertisers out there are selling. They believe that we should be better off because their parents are educated. How do we teach them this, when they are constantly bombarded with different messages? And why should we have to teach them this when they are so young? Thanks media!
16. I can be pretty sure that my children's teachers and employers will tolerate them if they fit school and workplace norms; my chief worries about them do not concern others' attitudes toward their race. 
Ah, nope, just our financial obligations to allow them to participate in field trips, after school activities, events, organizations, and all that other fun stuff!
17. I can talk with my mouth full and not have people put this down to my color. 
Yes, but they might put it down to bad manners, because we are poor.
18. I can swear, or dress in second hand clothes, or not answer letters, without having people attribute these choices to the bad morals, the poverty or the illiteracy of my race. 
Yup, just bad morals and my income level.
19. I can speak in public to a powerful male group without putting my race on trial. 
Sure, but they will want to know how my gender affects this, oh and what college I went to.
20. I can do well in a challenging situation without being called a credit to my race. 
But not my gender, and not my financial situation.
21. I am never asked to speak for all the people of my racial group. 
I'm never asked to speak at all. I have to fight for speaking engagements, and often my opinion or view is written off because I cannot possibly understand.
22. I can remain oblivious of the language and customs of persons of color who constitute the world's majority without feeling in my culture any penalty for such oblivion. 
Huh? Which is why my boys got in trouble for saying "what up, my Niggah" as they had heard other kids in school say, and didn't know why they were in trouble because they have never heard the N word used in our home. We made the mistake of thinking it was better not to teach them the bad words. And that is why my eldest son gets offended about buying bread, because he got the nickname "wonderbread" in school. Why it is perfectly fine to call white people "pasty" but don't suggest that your own skin is "ashy" around black folks. (even though it happens to "white" folks and is as noticeable if they have an ounce of melanin!)
23. I can criticize our government and talk about how much I fear its policies and behavior without being seen as a cultural outsider. 
But if you question our "Black" presidents financial policies, it is because you are racist. If you question their fiscal choices, then you must be a wealthy elitist.
24. I can be pretty sure that if I ask to talk to the "person in charge", I will be facing a person of my race. 
But certainly not my economic status.
25. If a traffic cop pulls me over or if the IRS audits my tax return, I can be sure I haven't been singled out because of my race. 
Nope, just the crap car I drive, or the fact that I am in debt past my eyeballs.
26. I can easily buy posters, post-cards, picture books, greeting cards, dolls, toys and children's magazines featuring people of my race. 
And they all have shiny new toys, fancy cars, and own their own home. Something the economically deprived cannot say.
27. I can go home from most meetings of organizations I belong to feeling somewhat tied in, rather than isolated, out-of-place, outnumbered, unheard, held at a distance or feared. 
Nope, can't afford to be a part of most, and feel pressure to spend money I don't have at the rest. Big nope!
28. I can be pretty sure that an argument with a colleague of another race is more likely to jeopardize her/his chances for advancement than to jeopardize mine. 
Most certainly not. I will be labelled as a racist and could very well be terminated. Now, lets rephrase the question "I can be pretty sure that an argument with a person of another race will likely lead to my view being acknowledged" and here is a problem I end up with: any time I disagree with someone based on sound and legitimate arguments, it will often get dismissed because somehow the fact that I am white negates my ability to think. If you look at the economic end of it, my poverty makes people think that I am looking for a handout. It doesn't matter that I work 60 hours a week, and my husband works overtime any opportunity he gets. It doesn't matter that we got our degrees like we were "supposed to" and that makes up the majority of our debt. It doesn't matter that our debt doesn't come from wanting to live like the Jones', but because we were told that if we got an education, jobs would be waiting for us. "You can't feed your kids? How do you have a car?" Oh, right, we need a car to get to work.... so we can feed our kids. Yeah, looking for that handout, man!
29. I can be pretty sure that if I argue for the promotion of a person of another race, or a program centering on race, this is not likely to cost me heavily within my present setting, even if my colleagues disagree with me. 
To argue against it, even with valid points, would. Same with economics. Proposing that the minimum wage be raised so that people can support their families is just not economically sound. Rich people wouldn't be able to afford stuff. Oh, wait... all cost of goods would rise, leaving us poor folks not able to afford stuff either...
30. If I declare there is a racial issue at hand, or there isn't a racial issue at hand, my race will lend me more credibility for either position than a person of color will have. 
The opposite is true nowadays. And as for the economics, well I'm just looking for a handout!
31. I can choose to ignore developments in minority writing and minority activist programs, or disparage them, or learn from them, but in any case, I can find ways to be more or less protected from negative consequences of any of these choices. 
Do I really even need to address this? How many people get slammed in the press almost daily for being ignorant of this? Now substitute "economic" for "Minority" and I definitely cannot ignore it. And what I am often being told is that my economic situation is my fault. I'm not living within my means, I am not saving for emergencies, I am not working hard enough, I am not trying hard enough to find a job. I did try hard to find a job, and planned to write on the side. But then I made this my full-time job because it was less depressing than constantly being told that I wasn't good enough in interviews. (Sorry, I believe the most memorable exact phrases were "not enough experience." "Not within our pay grade." and "unable to hire anyone at this time.")
32. My culture gives me little fear about ignoring the perspectives and powers of people of other races. 
 If anything, white people are held to a higher standard. Hence the reason these boys could use the term "snowflake" in their video with very little repercussion, but a prominent figure can lose their career for something even vaguely racist. 
And as for economics, poor people cannot ignore the rich. We would lose our jobs. 
33. I am not made acutely aware that my shape, bearing or body odor will be taken as a reflection on my race. 
Seriously? But a poor fat chick must not be that poor, now is she? and in today's media, no woman dares to be anything but skinny. "You can't afford to buy your 9 year old deodorant?" Wait, I didn't start wearing deodorant until I was 12!! And people find my directness extremely disconcerting, since I'm a woman. But hey, being poor sucks! I'm gonna talk about it! 
34. I can worry about racism without being seen as self-interested or self-seeking. 
I'm sure I'll get plenty of hate for this list here. If I were not white, would people think it was ok? I don't know, because the world sees me that way and I can't make them see me any other way, no matter how much I feel connected to my American Indian ancestry. I know if I wasn't poor, people would be more inclined to listen to my concerns about the poverty levels in this country.
35. I can take a job with an affirmative action employer without having my co-workers on the job suspect that I got it because of my race. 
Just my gender. Now how many jobs can I get if I can't afford a decent interview outfit? How many jobs can pass me over because when they do my background check they see how much debt I am in?  How can I afford to take a job making less than $35,000 a year (Most jobs I was applying for were between $26,000 and $30,000. Even if most school sites will tell you $35,000 to $40,000. The economy sucks, man!) when most of that will get eaten up in daycare costs, I can't afford a vehicle to get to work, and it still won't allow me to pay back my student loans... and yet I would probably take it if given half the chance. 
36. If my day, week or year is going badly, I need not ask of each negative episode or situation whether it had racial overtones. 
Isn't this really a choice on the person? I could. Or I could ask if it is my gender.  I could also question if it is because of my economics... and that one has clear evidence to support. For example: Last week our car died, our washer broke, and both boys came home wanting to sign up for some sport at school. I was stressed, harried, and had a major deadline for work. My boys were sad and depressed because once again we could not afford something they really wanted. Clearly more money would've made a world of difference here. Would my washer still have broke if I was Asian? Would I have magically been able to get the car fixed if I were Mexican? Would my boys have been able to play the sports of their choice on a scholarship because they were black? Meh...
37. I can be pretty sure of finding people who would be willing to talk with me and advise me about my next steps, professionally. 
Sure, and so can any other college student. It is called Career services... Fat lot of good it did us, and many of our alumni who we have kept in touch with!
38. I can think over many options, social, political, imaginative or professional, without asking whether a person of my race would be accepted or allowed to do what I want to do. 
Um, we have a BLACK president. But poverty restricts that a lot more. Would you elect a homeless person for president? What about someone who didn't graduate from an Ivy League school? Hmmm....
39. I can be late to a meeting without having the lateness reflect on my race. 
I can only speak for myself, but I don't typically blame that on race. But I am notoriously early everywhere I go because I have to worry about things like the car breaking down.
40. I can choose public accommodation without fearing that people of my race cannot get in or will be mistreated in the places I have chosen. 
I know that this can sometimes still be a problem in the South. I cannot attest to other parts of the country. I do know that when I haul my kids out to a restaurant once in a blue moon, the service is limited because they saw what we drove up in, they see our "fine clothes" that are well-worn and hand me downs, and when we share.... they assume that we aren't going to tip. As a server, the worst tip I ever got was from a local minister of a prominent church of wealthy individuals. They were dressed to the nines, pulled up in a Lexus, and his wife was wearing a rock that I couldn't even fathom! Left less than 10% tip after complimenting me for the best service they had ever experienced. Was it because I was white? Oh, so were they.
41. I can be sure that if I need legal or medical help, my race will not work against me. 
Nope, but my lack of funds sure will. Oh, but if I want to sue for racial discrimination, sorry that ain't happenin'. I could probably pull off a sexual harassment suit and win.
42. I can arrange my activities so that I will never have to experience feelings of rejection owing to my race. 
Not in the neighborhoods I choose to live in. But if I don't participate in any activities, my socio-economic factor never gets brought up ;)  
43. If I have low credibility as a leader I can be sure that my race is not the problem. 
Ha, not really. Nor can I be sure that my economics don't play a factor. Hard to dress for success when you can't buy the latest fashion. But more than likely, no one will listen to me because I am not "pretty".
44. I can easily find academic courses and institutions which give attention only to people of my race. 
Not where I went to school. But there were minorities studies courses out the wazoo. I loved taking them! And when was the last time we focused on men's needs in a gender studies class? But seriously, who told me that after finishing college, I might not be able to find a job? Where are there courses offered to teach you to manage being poor? Yeah....
45. I can expect figurative language and imagery in all of the arts to testify to experiences of my race. 
I think this is probably one of the places where we have seen the largest growth in the last 80 years. But at my level of financial lack of independence, I can't really afford to own it. I can still appreciate it once a month when the museum has the "free" days, and can admire snippets of writing that are offered for free. And the radio exposes me to more of it! But how many of those opportunities expose you to the socio-economically deprived without being mocked, or treated as "the unfortunates"?
46. I can chose blemish cover or bandages in "flesh" color and have them more or less match my skin.  
My friend Megan shared this interesting article,  Things Only Pale People Will Understand, with me a couple of weeks ago. I don't have this problem, mine is that darn Indian red undertone. But lets be real, I can't afford make up. I can barely afford to feed my kids.
47. I can travel alone or with my spouse without expecting embarrassment or hostility in those who deal with us. 
Note restaurant experience above... and who can afford to travel?
48. I have no difficulty finding neighborhoods where people approve of our household. 
Because everyone loves living next to the folks who's kids wear hand me downs and clothes that don't quite fit right, who's kids get excited about the cool video games their friends have that they could never hope to have. Who drive a clunker that makes a lot of noise when they come and go at odd hours because of all that working that they do. Who's yard is not mowed every week because they can't afford to fix the lawn mower, and who's yard is less than perfect because they don't have 20 hours a week to devote to it. Our new neighbors are a bit more sympathetic, but then we are in similar socio-economic brackets.
49. My children are given texts and classes which implicitly support our kind of family unit and do not turn them against my choice of domestic partnership. 
Is it just me, or is this question a bit racist? But from an economic standpoint, my children are constantly bombarded with programs we can't afford, fundraisers we can't participate in, pressure for us to participate in school assemblies, events and PTA's when we have so little time to spend with them as is. So, in principle, yes!
50. I will feel welcomed and "normal" in the usual walks of public life, institutional and social. 
I can't speak for how much progress we have made on this front for race, but I can say that economically I don't. 

Going through this list, I am impressed with the progress that we have made as a country in changing a lot of these issues for people of minority. And I can't help but wonder if some of these things that minorities have issues with are not related to their skin color so much as related to their socio-economic status. How many times do they blame things on racism when it is not racism, but that is easier to blame. Because no one can question racism anymore. 
Am I saying that racism is no longer an issue, but people keep making it an issue? Certainly not. I know that racism still exists. And that sexism still exists. Judging people based on the way that they look still exists. It is a part of the way our brains process information. Do we need to let it keep doing that? Not if we want to evolve. Can we live in a world where differences are celebrated, understood, appreciated? Not until we are all willing to do our part to make that happen. 
I think it is important to keep the dialogue open. For all of us to try to see things from other people's perspective. Not just about racism, but about all of the things that make each and every one of us different. I think that we need to promote understanding and acceptance of other cultures, religions, abilities and belief systems. We need to stop looking at the world as "us versus them" and start looking at it as "us with them, and them, and them, and them." 
Is it going to be easy? No. Many of our religions teach us that those who do not believe what we believe are condemned. Our cultures teach us that to do things as others do is to deny who and what we are. Children with different abilities get labeled with disabilities. People whose brains work differently have "mental health problems". Until our major institutions stop classifying us, we will not stop classifying ourselves. The day we move past this, I think, will be the next major leap in evolution! 
What are your thoughts on this? Feel free to share in the comments below!