Carole Geithner's Blog - Posts Tagged "honest-conversations"
Walking Alongside Our Grieving Children
How does one find words to comfort at a time like this? How can we reassure our children that they are safe in a world where people are able to get their hands on powerful guns and ammunition that can mow down classrooms of students and teachers in a matter of minutes? “You are safe and we will keep you safe” has a hollow ring to it, though those are the words and message we rush to say and our children long to hear.
Most children will pick up on some of the messages in the media, overhear snatches of whispered conversations, or notice a change in the emotional tone of the adults around them. Even if they haven’t yet asked about the Connecticut school shootings, they will inevitably ask about them or future shootings in the weeks or months or years ahead. Parents and teachers dread those questions, but being open to those conversations rather than shutting them down will allow our children to feel supported. None of us wants our children or students to feel alone as they struggle to make sense of a scary and painful part of their lives.
In my work with children who had a parent or sibling die and with adults whose lives have been shaped by early loss, I have learned some things about what helped and what hurt as they tried to make sense of a death and learn to live with the physical absence of the person they loved and cared about.
• Kids grieve in some ways that are similar to adults, and in other ways that are different. As Dr. Kenneth Doka has explained, kids have shorter “feeling spans,” so grief may be felt in “bursts” and may be observed as sadness, or may take a more disguised form, such as disruptive or regressive behavior, and/or physical reactions such as a change in appetite or sleeping.
• A child’s adjustment to death of a loved one has a lot to do with how his or her parents are coping. Having other adults to help the family return to its routines such as meal times, school, baseball, or music lessons can be very helpful when parents are having difficulty. Routines are reassuring and comforting after a crisis turns their world upside down.
• Kids need adults to be honest but reassuring when talking to them about death. The level of detail varies according to what the child seems ready to know. Ask what they’ve heard or are thinking to help clear up any misunderstandings or sense of guilt.
• Children’s cognitive understanding of death and emotional development evolve over time. Kids and teens may have new questions as they mature. It's not enough to have one conversation and consider it "done."
• Set aside assumptions about the “proper” way to grieve. People grieve in their own way, even within the same family.
• As with adults, the pain of grief lessens over time but is an uneven process, with waves of grief that are sometimes triggered by anniversaries, or things such as smells, music, and shared events.
• Kids are amazingly resilient when they feel adequately supported.
• It’s important to give children and teens a sense of choice about their involvement in preparations for and attendance at a funeral or other memorial activities.
• Creative outlets such as art, writing, song, and dance as well as free play are helpful outlets as kids try to process the difficult feelings (including feelings of anger) and make sense of the events.
• Finding ways to keep the memory of the person alive, of “continuing the bonds,” as Dr. Therese Rando calls it, by sharing memories, making favorite foods, listening to music, sending a card with a favorite memory to the family of the person who died, or looking at photos from happier times of the friend or relative who died can be helpful to the griever.
The value of listening cannot be overstated. As we try to protect our selves and our children from such frightening and sad feelings, we must be careful not to inadvertently give them the message that we cannot tolerate hearing or talking about them. Most of all, we don’t want our children to feel that they are alone.
Most children will pick up on some of the messages in the media, overhear snatches of whispered conversations, or notice a change in the emotional tone of the adults around them. Even if they haven’t yet asked about the Connecticut school shootings, they will inevitably ask about them or future shootings in the weeks or months or years ahead. Parents and teachers dread those questions, but being open to those conversations rather than shutting them down will allow our children to feel supported. None of us wants our children or students to feel alone as they struggle to make sense of a scary and painful part of their lives.
In my work with children who had a parent or sibling die and with adults whose lives have been shaped by early loss, I have learned some things about what helped and what hurt as they tried to make sense of a death and learn to live with the physical absence of the person they loved and cared about.
• Kids grieve in some ways that are similar to adults, and in other ways that are different. As Dr. Kenneth Doka has explained, kids have shorter “feeling spans,” so grief may be felt in “bursts” and may be observed as sadness, or may take a more disguised form, such as disruptive or regressive behavior, and/or physical reactions such as a change in appetite or sleeping.
• A child’s adjustment to death of a loved one has a lot to do with how his or her parents are coping. Having other adults to help the family return to its routines such as meal times, school, baseball, or music lessons can be very helpful when parents are having difficulty. Routines are reassuring and comforting after a crisis turns their world upside down.
• Kids need adults to be honest but reassuring when talking to them about death. The level of detail varies according to what the child seems ready to know. Ask what they’ve heard or are thinking to help clear up any misunderstandings or sense of guilt.
• Children’s cognitive understanding of death and emotional development evolve over time. Kids and teens may have new questions as they mature. It's not enough to have one conversation and consider it "done."
• Set aside assumptions about the “proper” way to grieve. People grieve in their own way, even within the same family.
• As with adults, the pain of grief lessens over time but is an uneven process, with waves of grief that are sometimes triggered by anniversaries, or things such as smells, music, and shared events.
• Kids are amazingly resilient when they feel adequately supported.
• It’s important to give children and teens a sense of choice about their involvement in preparations for and attendance at a funeral or other memorial activities.
• Creative outlets such as art, writing, song, and dance as well as free play are helpful outlets as kids try to process the difficult feelings (including feelings of anger) and make sense of the events.
• Finding ways to keep the memory of the person alive, of “continuing the bonds,” as Dr. Therese Rando calls it, by sharing memories, making favorite foods, listening to music, sending a card with a favorite memory to the family of the person who died, or looking at photos from happier times of the friend or relative who died can be helpful to the griever.
The value of listening cannot be overstated. As we try to protect our selves and our children from such frightening and sad feelings, we must be careful not to inadvertently give them the message that we cannot tolerate hearing or talking about them. Most of all, we don’t want our children to feel that they are alone.
