Delilah S. Dawson's Blog, page 34

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all my fellow mothers!


That's what I looked like a few moments after I became a mother. That stubborn little girl with her round, perfect head was upside down the whole time and ended up being a very unwanted c-section. But I got to see my intestines, so that was pretty cool.


And this is me after I became a mother for the second time. That squinchy little dude came out the usual way, which was also pretty fascinating to watch.When I finally saw him, he looked like a prizefighter after nine tough rounds.Bruised and exhausted.I was, too.Mothering can make you feel that way, no matter how big they get.*My daughter emerged to the sounds of the operating room, beeps and whispers and the cold rustle of metal.My son emerged to Toto's Africa.Now she likes Ladytron and he likes Cake and Shakira."I want hear dat song bout the girl wit a jacket an' a skirt an' she does stuff," he says.She just rolls her eyes, 5 going on 13.*They exhaust me, infuriate me, surprise me, delight me, hug me until my neck aches.But overall, they're pretty awesome, and I'm glad they're mine.
*Here's to being a mother. It's hard as hell, but totally worth it.*

this chaise, it is so verra longue

When I was little, we sometimes kept our family's furniture for a while, since we mostly stayed in one place. And, being a child, I would get attached. Once, I fell in love with a chaise longue owned by my aunt. When she took it back, I was heartbroken. Hundreds of hours I had cultured my butt on that chair, reading.

And then it was... gone.

Today, I healed that minor wound. Much like Skydancer, there was a hole in my life where a chaise should have been. I found this chaise at TJ Maxx for $150 a few months ago and thought, "That's a good price. But it's not good enough."

And then I went in today, and it was $50.

FIFTY DOLLARS. To heal a broken heart.

SOLD, said I!

And now I can read in my studio while sitting on my chaise.

I am a happy girl, oh yes.

All it took was an old pony and a very swoopy chair.

What can I say? I'm easy.

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crowdsourcing has jumped the shark

Here's a metaphor for almost any crowdsourcing request on Facebook.

me: Looking for a delicious hamburger joint near Alpharetta that serves sweet potato fries and is child friendly. Anybody have a suggestion?
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friend 1: u should try Vinnie's for pizza, it is great.

friend 2: Burger Haus has amazing regular fries!

friend 3: Yummyburger is PERFECT for you. Amazing burgers, great SP fries, indoor playground with free nannybots to watch the kids. It's in Nowhere, North Dakota.

friend 4: You should become a vegan. Meat is harmful and horrible and you will die of cancer.

friend 5: lol veganz

friend 6: www.chickfila.com ChickfilA had sweet potato fries last year.

friend 7: La Burger de la Tristesse has good burgers and fantastic SP fries! But no kids.

friend 8: There's a great, child-friendly vegan place near us with an amazing black bean patty.

friend 9: OMG! I know the perfect place! In Alpharetta, grassfed burgers, SP fries, kid-friendly, but it just opened and doesn't have a website yet. Hold on, I'll get my coupon for you. (disappears offline forever)

friend 4: www.meatismurder.com/delilahsburgerki... You should watch this video.

friend 10: I had a burger the other day that wasn't that good.

friend 11: McDonalds?

friend 12: Meat isn't murder. Meat is God's way of making us happy. Everyone should eat meat. Vegans should stop eating celery and start eating more meat. I eat meat and meat only for ever meal. Meat meat meat. Vegans are hairless trolls. But I don't know the answer to your actual question.

friend 13: Why don't you do it yourself? Just buy a cow and a quart of bull sperm. Inseminate the cow with a turkey baster and wait 9 months while also growing organic sweet potatoes in your yard using compost. Help birth the calf, using a backhoe and a rope if it gets stuck in its mother's pelvis. Feed it on organic fescue until it's approximately three years old, gelding early and with hand-forged clippers for optimal tenderness. Hang it up from a tree, slaughter it, butcher it, and grind your own meat. Shape the patties into hearts and grill them over mesquite while you harvest and roast your sweet potatoes. NOTHING COULD BE EASIER!

friend 14: Have you been to Vinnie's? Great pizza!

a glompy post of good news

Good news, everybody!
1. Wicked as They Come *and* Wicked as She Wants sold in GERMANY!

2. I've been invited to participate in FandomFest in Lousville, KY this June 29 - July 1 and in the Dahlonega Literary Festival in Dahlonega, GA this November 9-11.

3. That burn on my pinkie is healing nicely.

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Month of May, we cool.

so that was fancy

me and Dr. Krog, mere moments before the riveting story told below
When I called to make reservations for our overnight trip, I signed us up for a wine tasting and asked for dinner reservations

"Which restaurant?" the clerk asked, as there are several on the property.

"Whichever one is the fanciest," I said. "We're celebrating a birthday and a ten-year anniversary, so I'm looking for super-duper extra fancy," and she nodded sagely (I imagine, since we were on the phone) and said, "Versailles." Which sounded fancy, so I booked it.

We were all dressed up, me in actual make-up and a short dress and teetering in whoa-high heels. As we walked from our hotel room down the hall, feeling extremely fancy, we were met by a Secret Service looking dude with an earpiece.

"There's a wedding going on," he whispered. "I'm going to need you to stay on this side of the hallway, by the windows, and try to stay out of sight."

Very well. Weddings are important. We quick-walked along the windows, catching a glimpse of an adorable ring bearer. As we rounded the corner, another guy with an earpiece intercepted us.

"There's a wedding," he whispered. You know, in case we hadn't noticed? "You're going to go around that corner, and then someone will escort you to the elevators."

Fine. We did that. We were ushered into the elevator, which had somehow been rigged not to make annoying PING noises. Another Secret Service dude met us when the door opened and sneaked us behind some columns and to the back entrance of the restaurant. Thus far, our super fancy meal had felt like getting sent to the principal's office. And that's when we discovered that the restaurant was in an open atrium shared by... the wedding. And we were the only people in the restaurant. And we were asked not to speak.

The waiter showed us to a table, and we stared at each other. The Bridal Chorus began. Our fanciest of fancy dinners was occurring in an open, brightly lit atrium where two people we didn't know were getting married about twenty feet away and we weren't allowed to speak.

"I can't do this," I whispered. "If I sneeze, I'm going to ruin their wedding video, and they'll get divorced, and it will be ALL MY FAULT," and then someone hissed SSSSHHHHH.

So we thanked the waiter, apologized for getting lipstick on the water glasses, and made a run for it. We ended up having our fancy, doubly celebratory dinner at an Irish pub, sitting on stools at the bar as people cheered for horse racing.

And you know what? It was awesome.

That's what ten years of a good marriage can do. No matter how badly your plans go awry, you can find a way to have fun. We wanted a truly indulgent, sumptuous meal with candlelight and champagne and romantic conversation. We got Kentucky Derby on the widescreen, cranberry margaritas, and greasy haddock with paper napkins.

And we had a fantastic time.

Conclusions:
1. Before booking a wedding in a public place, make sure I won't be nearby sneezing or cackling.
2. Before booking a fancy dinner, be sure to read out the dictionary definition of the word "fancy" to make sure you and the restaurant are on the same page.
3. Before taking close-up photos, do something about your eyebrows, woman.
4. Go to a wine tasting after a weirdly WIN/FAIL meal, because everything seems awesomer after 6 glasses of wine.
5. WOOOO!

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the gift that keeps on giving

How am I supposed to top that, you stupid cat?
Happy Birthday, Dr. Krog!
I'll find something to kill for you today, I promise.
<3

may the fourth

It's May 4th, and you know what that means.

1. My annual attempt at Leia buns, which aren't as big as they used to be. With bonus Han vest!

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2. Dr. Krog's birthday cake, because as we all know, tomorrow is Cinco de Krog-o. This year, it's a happy dancing Grimlock, one of our shared favorite Transformers. I used cookies for his gold parts, but it wasn't bright enough, so I frosted them yellow. Watch out, Cake Boss.

May the Fourth be with you all!
And now, back to eating the leftover cake...
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10 unrelated declarations

1. Dresses are the new jeans. I finally realized that a comfy dress is basically like wearing pajamas all day, except that old people stop you on the street to say nice things.

2. Receiving flowers never gets old.

3. Someone should have told me about Rufus Wainright back in 1999 or so.

4. Deadlines are the birth control pill of writing.

5. I wish my feet were size 5 or 6, because the really cool shoes are always on sale for $20 in that size.

6. One should never search Twitter for one's book name or character names or anything that might lead one to find people talking about said things unfavorably, because if they wanted you to see it, they would @ you, idiot.

7. Kentucky might be a nice place to visit in June.

8. Good things happen on Wednesdays.

9. Getting less than 5 hours of sleep a night for two weeks can induce a psychological state similar to the one in The Shining.

10. Strawberries and sea salt dark chocolate are a winning combination.

That's all. Just finished up another deadline and have totally forgotten how to blog.

Oops.

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Criminy's coat: it's real!

Dig Criminy's coat? You can actually buy it.

Well, most of it. Some of it, Tony Mauro created with his magical fingers.

I thought you should know.

Now, if anyone should find a link to Criminy himself, PLEASE TO SHARE.

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50 shades of somethin'

So I'm reading the Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy, and I have many thoughts on it.

Many. Thoughts.

First of all, I have many criticisms. For one thing, "I don't understand you and I'm afraid you're going to leave me" is not a plot; it's your early twenties. Something needs to happen in the story besides inner turmoil and occasional dramatic dead-ends in the real world. For another thing, without the holy triumvirate of "he's young, he's handsome, he's rich," this book goes nowhere. Take away one corner of that triangle, and there's suddenly no attraction to Mr. Grey that can balance out his ferocious need for domineering kink. And lastly, for now, let's just consider that gettin' jiggy with it 7 times a day for three weeks is more than a little physically unrealistic, even considering that the protagonists are nearly perfect people, outside of their self-abhorrence.

Despite all that, and despite the fact that it's so clearly still Twilight fanfic for the further-along, I can't stop reading it.

And that's why I like it.

Say what you will about Fifty Shades. Say it's poorly written-- it is. Say it has no plot-- it doesn't. Say the characters are just as lame as they were in Twilight, but even more self-obsessed-- it's true. But it's still nearly impossible to put down.

And I think that's fantastic.

Any book that raises this many questions and debates is a good thing, to me. If it gets people reading and, better yet, talking, then it's doing what books were meant to do. Books are meant to elevate us from the dreary circuit of everyday life, to provide an escape and make us question the status quo. And this series does both, if a little inelegantly for my taste.

And also, if Goodreads and mainstream media contain any truth, it's giving staid married people some delightfully dangerous ideas. And we all need delightfully dangerous ideas, from time to time.

So I'm in favor of Fifty Shades of Grey. It ain't perfect, but it serves a purpose, and I appreciate that.

It also makes my book look rather tame, so I blush slightly less, which I also dig.

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Anyone have any thoughts on 50 Shades? 
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