Lisa M. Lilly's Blog, page 16
January 6, 2016
Missed Communications And The Rise Of The Emojis
I had another topic in mind for this week’s blog post, but I started reading comments from beta readers (first readers who critique a writer’s manuscript) for The Conflagration, Book 3 in my supernatural thriller series, and it got me thinking about how people communicate, and fail to communicate, in today’s world. The readers of this draft of The Conflagration raised questions about plot points and characters that I had thought I’d written clearly. One bit of crucial information about who is sending cryptic Bible verses about Satan appeared in my outline for the book, but not in the manuscript. And I’d cut scenes between two characters (professor and former nun Sophia Gaddini and billionaire Erik Holmes, for those following the Awakening series) to keep the plot moving quickly, but that left one of the characters underdeveloped, as what was in my mind never made it onto the page.
Already I have ideas about how to revise to address these points. But the same types of miscommunications—and missed communications—happen all the time in day-to-day life and, unfortunately, we don’t have beta readers to review what we say or write before we share with others.
The Death of Letters
Ironically, this age of multiple communication methods and platforms seems to lead to more communication problems. Part of it is the death of written letters. Three or four decades ago, people regularly wrote letters for business and personal reasons. Handwriting takes time. Word processing is quicker, but it allows multiple revisions. Either way, letter writers tended to think about what they wrote and read their words again before sending the correspondence, which in itself was a process. You couldn’t zap off a letter in a rush of anger two seconds after you finished it. At the very least, you needed to address an envelope and walk it to a postage machine in your office or find a stamp and a mailbox. The length of letters also allowed the writer to include details and asides that conveyed tone and emotion.
The Depth of Real Phone Calls
Phone calls, too, provided cues that are missing in most communication today. I’m referring to “real” phone calls—ones on landlines with good sound quality. Tone of voice, how quickly or slowly someone spoke, hesitation, breathing—all of these gave cues to the listener about what the speaker meant and felt. And phone calls were two way. If my friend on the other end of the phone line understood something different from what I meant, I usually could tell that based on her response and further explain myself.
All this is not to say that today’s communication methods are worse than those in the past. Technology has allowed us to expand communication in so many ways. For example, video conferencing, though it hasn’t caught on as much as I'd expected. When I was a kid, video telephone calls were a staple in futuristic television shows or movies. Now such calls are easy and free for anyone who has Internet access and a Skype account or FaceTime. Yet, I have only one friend who FaceTimes periodically with me, but usually we talk on the phone, and more often than that, we text. Also, I’ve yet to use video conferencing on a day-to-day basis for business. Texting or emailing is quicker and allows the sender to communicate when she has time, and the recipient to answer whenever it’s convenient. It’s often hard enough to find a time when two people are free to talk via phone, let alone when both are able to access a video device and want to be seen. (My mom’s generation used to have a phrase called “putting on your face,” meaning to put on the amount of make up considered appropriate to see other people. In a more general sense, I think that’s also a factor in why video telephoning hasn’t become common.)
The Rise of Emojis and Exclamation Marks!!
Another innovation is the emoji, descendant of the emoticon. The emoticon came about when letters gave way to emails, which are still a main method of business communication. A letter was long if it went past a few pages; an email is long if it exceeds a paragraph. That makes it harder to read tone, and I probably spend nearly as much time composing and revising an email as I did a letter, despite its drastically shorter length. Because of that, in the 90s, people began combining and typing symbols to show emotions, such as :) or :( According to what I found on the internet here, as texting became more prevalent, emojis, shown above, developed to replace the multiple character emoticons. An emoji is a small picture that counts as a single character, thus making it easier to stay within text message limits. (If you’re into grammar, here’s an Atlantic post on whether the plural of emoji is emojis or emoji.) Emojis and emoticons, as well as a lot of added punctuation, provide tone and context for texts. Without them, promises to get together soon or congratulations on graduations or promotions or new babies can sound flat or, worse, sarcastic. Emojis also can go beyond tone and convey activities or messages in themselves.
------------------------------------------------------------------Click here to Join Lisa M. Lilly's M.O.S.T. (Mystery, Occult, Suspense, Thriller) Email List and receive Ninevah, a short horror story published exclusively for subscribers, free. ------------------------------------------------------------------
Emojis Take Over Social Media
I also see emojis in social media, which makes sense. Social media typically involves people interacting through public personae, often carefully crafted. In a certain way, this makes the communication less interactive. One person posts carefully chosen photos, videos, quotes, and anecdotes. Others comment, often at a different time, and often in posts as short as those in texts. It’s easy for people who just happen to comment on the same photo to debate, without the benefit of knowing one another personally or knowing anything about one another’s context and lives. Emojis, emoticons, and exclamation points make it a little less likely tone will be misread.
Making Peace with Emojis
I learned to write at a time when exclamation points were considered weak, as good writing in itself ought to convey the emotion. So part of me dislikes the trend toward shorter communication that requires multiple exclamation points and emojis. But I’ve taken to using them so there is less chance of misunderstanding. And, as with email, I reread what I type into social media platforms several times before sharing. As a corollary, if something someone else writes strikes me as offensive, I try to assume the best of all possible intentions by the writer. All of this involves effort, but in the end the chance to communicate with so many people I’d never have met in an age of more limited means of communication makes it worth it the effort.
What are your thoughts on today's methods of communication? Feel free to use emojis below!!
------------------------------------------------------------Lisa M. Lilly is the author of the occult thrillers The Awakening and The Unbelievers, Books 1 and 2 in the Awakening series. A short film of the title story of her collection The Tower Formerly Known as Sears and Two Other Tales of Urban Horror was recently produced under the title Willis Tower. If you'd like to be notified of new releases and read reviews of M.O.S.T. (Mystery, Occult, Suspense, Thriller) books and movies, click here to join her email list and receive free a short horror story, Ninevah, published exclusively to M.O.S.T. subscribers.
Already I have ideas about how to revise to address these points. But the same types of miscommunications—and missed communications—happen all the time in day-to-day life and, unfortunately, we don’t have beta readers to review what we say or write before we share with others.
The Death of Letters
Ironically, this age of multiple communication methods and platforms seems to lead to more communication problems. Part of it is the death of written letters. Three or four decades ago, people regularly wrote letters for business and personal reasons. Handwriting takes time. Word processing is quicker, but it allows multiple revisions. Either way, letter writers tended to think about what they wrote and read their words again before sending the correspondence, which in itself was a process. You couldn’t zap off a letter in a rush of anger two seconds after you finished it. At the very least, you needed to address an envelope and walk it to a postage machine in your office or find a stamp and a mailbox. The length of letters also allowed the writer to include details and asides that conveyed tone and emotion.
The Depth of Real Phone Calls
Phone calls, too, provided cues that are missing in most communication today. I’m referring to “real” phone calls—ones on landlines with good sound quality. Tone of voice, how quickly or slowly someone spoke, hesitation, breathing—all of these gave cues to the listener about what the speaker meant and felt. And phone calls were two way. If my friend on the other end of the phone line understood something different from what I meant, I usually could tell that based on her response and further explain myself.
All this is not to say that today’s communication methods are worse than those in the past. Technology has allowed us to expand communication in so many ways. For example, video conferencing, though it hasn’t caught on as much as I'd expected. When I was a kid, video telephone calls were a staple in futuristic television shows or movies. Now such calls are easy and free for anyone who has Internet access and a Skype account or FaceTime. Yet, I have only one friend who FaceTimes periodically with me, but usually we talk on the phone, and more often than that, we text. Also, I’ve yet to use video conferencing on a day-to-day basis for business. Texting or emailing is quicker and allows the sender to communicate when she has time, and the recipient to answer whenever it’s convenient. It’s often hard enough to find a time when two people are free to talk via phone, let alone when both are able to access a video device and want to be seen. (My mom’s generation used to have a phrase called “putting on your face,” meaning to put on the amount of make up considered appropriate to see other people. In a more general sense, I think that’s also a factor in why video telephoning hasn’t become common.)The Rise of Emojis and Exclamation Marks!!
Another innovation is the emoji, descendant of the emoticon. The emoticon came about when letters gave way to emails, which are still a main method of business communication. A letter was long if it went past a few pages; an email is long if it exceeds a paragraph. That makes it harder to read tone, and I probably spend nearly as much time composing and revising an email as I did a letter, despite its drastically shorter length. Because of that, in the 90s, people began combining and typing symbols to show emotions, such as :) or :( According to what I found on the internet here, as texting became more prevalent, emojis, shown above, developed to replace the multiple character emoticons. An emoji is a small picture that counts as a single character, thus making it easier to stay within text message limits. (If you’re into grammar, here’s an Atlantic post on whether the plural of emoji is emojis or emoji.) Emojis and emoticons, as well as a lot of added punctuation, provide tone and context for texts. Without them, promises to get together soon or congratulations on graduations or promotions or new babies can sound flat or, worse, sarcastic. Emojis also can go beyond tone and convey activities or messages in themselves.
------------------------------------------------------------------Click here to Join Lisa M. Lilly's M.O.S.T. (Mystery, Occult, Suspense, Thriller) Email List and receive Ninevah, a short horror story published exclusively for subscribers, free. ------------------------------------------------------------------
Emojis Take Over Social Media
I also see emojis in social media, which makes sense. Social media typically involves people interacting through public personae, often carefully crafted. In a certain way, this makes the communication less interactive. One person posts carefully chosen photos, videos, quotes, and anecdotes. Others comment, often at a different time, and often in posts as short as those in texts. It’s easy for people who just happen to comment on the same photo to debate, without the benefit of knowing one another personally or knowing anything about one another’s context and lives. Emojis, emoticons, and exclamation points make it a little less likely tone will be misread.
Making Peace with Emojis
I learned to write at a time when exclamation points were considered weak, as good writing in itself ought to convey the emotion. So part of me dislikes the trend toward shorter communication that requires multiple exclamation points and emojis. But I’ve taken to using them so there is less chance of misunderstanding. And, as with email, I reread what I type into social media platforms several times before sharing. As a corollary, if something someone else writes strikes me as offensive, I try to assume the best of all possible intentions by the writer. All of this involves effort, but in the end the chance to communicate with so many people I’d never have met in an age of more limited means of communication makes it worth it the effort.
What are your thoughts on today's methods of communication? Feel free to use emojis below!!
------------------------------------------------------------Lisa M. Lilly is the author of the occult thrillers The Awakening and The Unbelievers, Books 1 and 2 in the Awakening series. A short film of the title story of her collection The Tower Formerly Known as Sears and Two Other Tales of Urban Horror was recently produced under the title Willis Tower. If you'd like to be notified of new releases and read reviews of M.O.S.T. (Mystery, Occult, Suspense, Thriller) books and movies, click here to join her email list and receive free a short horror story, Ninevah, published exclusively to M.O.S.T. subscribers.
December 30, 2015
What's Next: Goals, But No Resolutions
I've never been much for New Year's resolutions. If in the first month I miss a few days of exercise or skip practicing piano, it’s too easy to chuck the whole thing. Also, if something truly matters to me, I’m usually already doing it. I've always loved to write. Happy or sad, depressed or excited, employed or unemployed, sick or well, I've written something, whether it’s novels, poetry, short stories, or journal entries, so I've never needed to set a resolution to write more. Likewise, if I really don't want to do something, unless I find a way to like it or to value it more highly, I don't to do it even if I set a hundred resolutions.
My high tech scheduling app for the New Year.Still, I like the approaching New Year as a time to take stock, reflect, and plan by setting goals. Last year’s goals tell me where I’ve been and where I didn’t get to. Sometimes they surprise me. I’ve achieved goals I didn't recall setting, and I’ve forgotten goals that during the previous December seemed vital. (Which is why one of my goals for 2016 is to review my goal list once a month, probably at the same time I publish my MOST eNewsletter.)
Professional/business goals were always fairly easy for me to set as a lawyer. When I worked for a large law firm, I aimed to exceed the firm’s requirements for number of billable hours per year, pro bono work (unpaid legal work for organizations that help people of limited means), and improving my skills. In my own law practice, the goals were not that different, just focused more on the big picture—bringing in new cases or clients when I was growing, ensuring current clients were happy with my work, deciding when to outsource work or hire an assistant. These days the goals are simpler than ever, as I only handle a limited number of matters. So my goal is to give excellent service on those cases and maintain my practice at that pace so I can continue to write, publish, and teach without slighting my legal work.
With writing, setting and meeting goals has been more fluid. I have been pretty good at completing the novels I want to write. On the other hand, writing a certain number of articles and short stories is a goal that appears every year but that I often meet halfway at best. I enjoy that type of writing, but don’t love it the way I love novel writing. (See above, not doing things I'm not that interested in despite resolutions. Or goals, apparently.) Also, until very recently, writing was something I did on the side, so what time I could devote to it I wanted to spend on favorite projects.
My other struggle is with setting aspirational goals versus realistic ones. I believe people rarely exceed their goals, so setting one too realistically can become a limit rather than an inspiration. Also, it's hard to get excited about goals that are realistic. Over the past six months, during which I devoted the bulk of my work time to writing and to the business side of marketing and publishing, I doubled my book sales. I expect my split between writing, teaching, and law to be about the same in the coming year, so it would be realistic to seek to sell 2-4 times the number of books I did this year. But how exciting is that? Exponential growth, on the other hand—selling 100 times the number of books this year—now that would be exciting. But it’s highly unlikely for any author to do that, and I might be left overly discouraged if I achieved any less than that.
Mostly I solve this conflict by setting the majority of my goals in terms of what I have a reasonable amount of control over. I plan to finish and publish The Conflagration, Book 3 in my Awakening series, this coming spring. My aspirational goals are to also write and publish the final and fourth book in the series and to outline and draft the first novel in a new mystery series I’m planning. As far as sales, I’ve settled on aiming for 10 times this year’s sales. That’s high, but doable. I also have a number of flexible goals around possible non-fiction books and short stories. And I hope to significantly expand subscribers to my monthly MOST eNewsletter. If you enjoy fiction and movies in the mystery, occult, suspense, or thriller genres and you’d like to help with that goal, the link to join is below.
------------------------------------------------------------------Click here to Join Lisa M. Lilly's M.O.S.T. (Mystery, Occult, Suspense, Thriller) Readers Group and receive Ninevah, a short horror story published exclusively for subscribers, free.
------------------------------------------------------------------
In the process of setting 2016 goals, I’ve put aside one idea that’s been bouncing around in my head, which is to start a podcast. At some point, I’d like to produce a weekly 10-minute show for people dealing with loss, inspired by my parents’ deaths due to a drunk driver and my experiences with the amazing, inspiring people I’ve met through AAIM (the Alliance Against Intoxicated Motorists). After investigating what’s involved on the technical and production side, I realized that the significant time and energy I’d need to spend to learn how to do podcasts and then produce a show each week would make it too hard to finish the Awakening series. The podcast may very well be on my 2017 goals, though. Or, given that it matters to me, I may find myself doing it anyway sometime in the middle of the year.
While I focused on professional goals in this post because personal goals are, well, personal, I do set those types of goals as well. They include staying close with friends and family, travel, and health. A lot of them overlap. Most of my travel plans for the coming year include writing or readers conferences in places I also think will be interesting to visit. My main health goal, other than staying overall healthy, is to find a way to keep my neck and shoulders pain-free in between my once a month visits to a massage therapist. The more I write at my keyboard, the more I find myself popping Advil during that last week before my visit to deal with muscle pain and prevent migraines, and I’d like to avoid all of that. I’ve started setting a timer to make myself get up every twenty minutes and I'm adding stretching exercises throughout the day. I’ve also started using the dictation function on my iPhone to do first drafts of blog posts.
Most of all, though, when I consider the coming year, I hope it is a happy and healthy one, not just for me, but for everyone.
I’ve shared these goals in part because by doing so, I’m adding more accountability. I’d also love to hear about your goals, resolutions, and New Year’s thoughts below, via email, or on my Facebook author page. Best wishes for a wonderful new year!
------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa M. Lilly is the author of the occult thrillers The Awakening and The Unbelievers, Books 1 and 2 in the Awakening series. A short film of the title story of her collection The Tower Formerly Known as Sears and Two Other Tales of Urban Horror was recently produced under the title Willis Tower. If you'd like to be notified of new releases and read reviews of M.O.S.T. (Mystery, Occult, Suspense, Thriller) books and movies, click here to join her email list and receive free a short horror story, Ninevah, published exclusively to M.O.S.T. subscribers.
My high tech scheduling app for the New Year.Still, I like the approaching New Year as a time to take stock, reflect, and plan by setting goals. Last year’s goals tell me where I’ve been and where I didn’t get to. Sometimes they surprise me. I’ve achieved goals I didn't recall setting, and I’ve forgotten goals that during the previous December seemed vital. (Which is why one of my goals for 2016 is to review my goal list once a month, probably at the same time I publish my MOST eNewsletter.)Professional/business goals were always fairly easy for me to set as a lawyer. When I worked for a large law firm, I aimed to exceed the firm’s requirements for number of billable hours per year, pro bono work (unpaid legal work for organizations that help people of limited means), and improving my skills. In my own law practice, the goals were not that different, just focused more on the big picture—bringing in new cases or clients when I was growing, ensuring current clients were happy with my work, deciding when to outsource work or hire an assistant. These days the goals are simpler than ever, as I only handle a limited number of matters. So my goal is to give excellent service on those cases and maintain my practice at that pace so I can continue to write, publish, and teach without slighting my legal work.
With writing, setting and meeting goals has been more fluid. I have been pretty good at completing the novels I want to write. On the other hand, writing a certain number of articles and short stories is a goal that appears every year but that I often meet halfway at best. I enjoy that type of writing, but don’t love it the way I love novel writing. (See above, not doing things I'm not that interested in despite resolutions. Or goals, apparently.) Also, until very recently, writing was something I did on the side, so what time I could devote to it I wanted to spend on favorite projects.
My other struggle is with setting aspirational goals versus realistic ones. I believe people rarely exceed their goals, so setting one too realistically can become a limit rather than an inspiration. Also, it's hard to get excited about goals that are realistic. Over the past six months, during which I devoted the bulk of my work time to writing and to the business side of marketing and publishing, I doubled my book sales. I expect my split between writing, teaching, and law to be about the same in the coming year, so it would be realistic to seek to sell 2-4 times the number of books I did this year. But how exciting is that? Exponential growth, on the other hand—selling 100 times the number of books this year—now that would be exciting. But it’s highly unlikely for any author to do that, and I might be left overly discouraged if I achieved any less than that.
Mostly I solve this conflict by setting the majority of my goals in terms of what I have a reasonable amount of control over. I plan to finish and publish The Conflagration, Book 3 in my Awakening series, this coming spring. My aspirational goals are to also write and publish the final and fourth book in the series and to outline and draft the first novel in a new mystery series I’m planning. As far as sales, I’ve settled on aiming for 10 times this year’s sales. That’s high, but doable. I also have a number of flexible goals around possible non-fiction books and short stories. And I hope to significantly expand subscribers to my monthly MOST eNewsletter. If you enjoy fiction and movies in the mystery, occult, suspense, or thriller genres and you’d like to help with that goal, the link to join is below.
------------------------------------------------------------------Click here to Join Lisa M. Lilly's M.O.S.T. (Mystery, Occult, Suspense, Thriller) Readers Group and receive Ninevah, a short horror story published exclusively for subscribers, free.
------------------------------------------------------------------
In the process of setting 2016 goals, I’ve put aside one idea that’s been bouncing around in my head, which is to start a podcast. At some point, I’d like to produce a weekly 10-minute show for people dealing with loss, inspired by my parents’ deaths due to a drunk driver and my experiences with the amazing, inspiring people I’ve met through AAIM (the Alliance Against Intoxicated Motorists). After investigating what’s involved on the technical and production side, I realized that the significant time and energy I’d need to spend to learn how to do podcasts and then produce a show each week would make it too hard to finish the Awakening series. The podcast may very well be on my 2017 goals, though. Or, given that it matters to me, I may find myself doing it anyway sometime in the middle of the year.
While I focused on professional goals in this post because personal goals are, well, personal, I do set those types of goals as well. They include staying close with friends and family, travel, and health. A lot of them overlap. Most of my travel plans for the coming year include writing or readers conferences in places I also think will be interesting to visit. My main health goal, other than staying overall healthy, is to find a way to keep my neck and shoulders pain-free in between my once a month visits to a massage therapist. The more I write at my keyboard, the more I find myself popping Advil during that last week before my visit to deal with muscle pain and prevent migraines, and I’d like to avoid all of that. I’ve started setting a timer to make myself get up every twenty minutes and I'm adding stretching exercises throughout the day. I’ve also started using the dictation function on my iPhone to do first drafts of blog posts.
Most of all, though, when I consider the coming year, I hope it is a happy and healthy one, not just for me, but for everyone.
I’ve shared these goals in part because by doing so, I’m adding more accountability. I’d also love to hear about your goals, resolutions, and New Year’s thoughts below, via email, or on my Facebook author page. Best wishes for a wonderful new year!
------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa M. Lilly is the author of the occult thrillers The Awakening and The Unbelievers, Books 1 and 2 in the Awakening series. A short film of the title story of her collection The Tower Formerly Known as Sears and Two Other Tales of Urban Horror was recently produced under the title Willis Tower. If you'd like to be notified of new releases and read reviews of M.O.S.T. (Mystery, Occult, Suspense, Thriller) books and movies, click here to join her email list and receive free a short horror story, Ninevah, published exclusively to M.O.S.T. subscribers.
December 23, 2015
When The Holidays Are Not So Happy
Usually I love the winter holidays. I have great memories from when I was little and my brothers created present treasure hunts for me and from when my nieces and nephews were kids and presented their own original holiday plays. I find the Chicago holiday lights cheerful and a great antidote to the sometimes dreary weather. But bright lights and parties and unrelenting good cheer, in my experience, can also make a person feel that much worse if the holiday occurs after a serious loss, during a difficult personal time, or simply brings bad memories or highlights challenging family circumstances.
An ornament from my parents' Christmas tree that's now on mine.
2007 was one of the hardest holiday seasons for me. Early that year, both my parents were hit by a drunk driver and died of their injuries. Sadly, through the Alliance Against Intoxicated Motorists (AAIM), I also know many people whose children were killed and who struggled with the first holiday season and every one thereafter. Less tragic but still extremely difficult situations like a divorce or job loss can also make the end of the year and coming new year hard to handle. And then there are the day-to-day, year-to-year issues that cause many of us to dread holiday meals. Thanksgiving dinner can be less about gratitude and more about refighting family battles, highlighting longstanding feuds, or prompting excessive drinking and related unpleasant behavior or, worse, tragedy if drinking and driving leads to a crash.
What's important when feeling blue or more seriously depressed or anxious at the holidays is experimenting and finding what works for you regardless what tradition dictates. The most freeing thing for one of my friends was realizing there was no law requiring her to attend family holiday gatherings. From then on, her view was, “If you don’t like your family, find another one.” I've spent many holidays with friends rather than family for various reasons. Some people I know from AAIM changed holiday locations after their childrens’ deaths, choosing to travel for Christmas rather than staying home. Others invited friends for coffee and cake on Thanksgiving rather than hosting a traditional large family dinner.
Starting a personal solitary tradition can also be wonderful. A photographer I knew in my twenties found being with his parents very difficult and instead went out each Christmas morning at sunrise to take photographs of Lake Michigan. They were among the most beautiful pictures I’d ever seen, and his ritual struck me as wonderfully peaceful, sane, and happy in an often too-intense holiday season. During a few of the years after my parents’ deaths, I skipped some holiday gatherings entirely in favor or rewatching favorite movies or rereading favorite books. I found the familiarity and predictability comforting after shocking, disturbing life events, and I was freed of feeling I had to keep up a happy face. My favorite books to revisit run the gamut, including Pride and Prejudice, The Little Princess, Gone With The Wind, Atlas Shrugged, The Dead Zone, and The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe. I also like putting on a few CDs (yes, I still listen to music on CDs) and making a favorite food like Pillsbury biscuits with cinnamon and brown sugar or heating rich hot chocolate with real milk and dark chocolate shavings. I do try to avoid more than a glass or two of wine because alcohol is a depressant, and too much of it and I’ll start dwelling on people I’ve lost rather than remembering the happy times I had.
------------------------------------------------------------------Click here to Join Lisa M. Lilly's M.O.S.T. (Mystery, Occult, Suspense, Thriller) Readers Group and receive Ninevah, a short horror story published exclusively for subscribers, free.
------------------------------------------------------------------
In addition to rereading favorite novels, there are a few nonfiction books that helped me over the years, particularly at the holidays. One is Anthony Robbins’ Awaken The Giant Within. I particularly recommend his chapter on the questions we ask ourselves. It's a quick way to help yourself if you tend to get stuck mentally asking things like why something terrible happened to you or someone you love, or why your family is so difficult, or why you aren’t more successful (and I have at different times asked myself all those things, which is part of why I'm enjoying turning fifty). If you are grieving a loss or suffered another type of crises, whether recent or not, I found Living Through Personal Crisis and Coming Back: Rebuilding Lives After Crises and Loss, both by Ann Kaiser Sterns, very helpful. I don’t think the latter is in print anymore, but you can buy used copies on Amazon. And I often refer back to Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff, a book I avoided for many years because the title made me think it was about learning to be a slacker. To the contrary, it is about how to be relaxed and happy while still working hard and achieving goals—very valuable to me as for many years I bought into the idea that those two concepts simply could not coexist.
I hope some of the above thoughts are helpful if you’re struggling with the holidays this year or if the holidays are generally a challenging time for you. And to all my friends, readers, and colleagues, my best wishes for a safe and happy holiday season.
------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa M. Lilly is the author of the occult thrillers The Awakening and The Unbelievers, Books 1 and 2 in the Awakening series. A short film of the title story of her collection The Tower Formerly Known as Sears and Two Other Tales of Urban Horror was recently produced under the title Willis Tower. If you'd like to be notified of new releases and read reviews of M.O.S.T. (Mystery, Occult, Suspense, Thriller) books and movies, click here tojoin her email list and receive free a short horror story, Ninevah, published exclusively to M.O.S.T. subscribers.
An ornament from my parents' Christmas tree that's now on mine.
2007 was one of the hardest holiday seasons for me. Early that year, both my parents were hit by a drunk driver and died of their injuries. Sadly, through the Alliance Against Intoxicated Motorists (AAIM), I also know many people whose children were killed and who struggled with the first holiday season and every one thereafter. Less tragic but still extremely difficult situations like a divorce or job loss can also make the end of the year and coming new year hard to handle. And then there are the day-to-day, year-to-year issues that cause many of us to dread holiday meals. Thanksgiving dinner can be less about gratitude and more about refighting family battles, highlighting longstanding feuds, or prompting excessive drinking and related unpleasant behavior or, worse, tragedy if drinking and driving leads to a crash.
What's important when feeling blue or more seriously depressed or anxious at the holidays is experimenting and finding what works for you regardless what tradition dictates. The most freeing thing for one of my friends was realizing there was no law requiring her to attend family holiday gatherings. From then on, her view was, “If you don’t like your family, find another one.” I've spent many holidays with friends rather than family for various reasons. Some people I know from AAIM changed holiday locations after their childrens’ deaths, choosing to travel for Christmas rather than staying home. Others invited friends for coffee and cake on Thanksgiving rather than hosting a traditional large family dinner.
Starting a personal solitary tradition can also be wonderful. A photographer I knew in my twenties found being with his parents very difficult and instead went out each Christmas morning at sunrise to take photographs of Lake Michigan. They were among the most beautiful pictures I’d ever seen, and his ritual struck me as wonderfully peaceful, sane, and happy in an often too-intense holiday season. During a few of the years after my parents’ deaths, I skipped some holiday gatherings entirely in favor or rewatching favorite movies or rereading favorite books. I found the familiarity and predictability comforting after shocking, disturbing life events, and I was freed of feeling I had to keep up a happy face. My favorite books to revisit run the gamut, including Pride and Prejudice, The Little Princess, Gone With The Wind, Atlas Shrugged, The Dead Zone, and The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe. I also like putting on a few CDs (yes, I still listen to music on CDs) and making a favorite food like Pillsbury biscuits with cinnamon and brown sugar or heating rich hot chocolate with real milk and dark chocolate shavings. I do try to avoid more than a glass or two of wine because alcohol is a depressant, and too much of it and I’ll start dwelling on people I’ve lost rather than remembering the happy times I had.
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------------------------------------------------------------------
In addition to rereading favorite novels, there are a few nonfiction books that helped me over the years, particularly at the holidays. One is Anthony Robbins’ Awaken The Giant Within. I particularly recommend his chapter on the questions we ask ourselves. It's a quick way to help yourself if you tend to get stuck mentally asking things like why something terrible happened to you or someone you love, or why your family is so difficult, or why you aren’t more successful (and I have at different times asked myself all those things, which is part of why I'm enjoying turning fifty). If you are grieving a loss or suffered another type of crises, whether recent or not, I found Living Through Personal Crisis and Coming Back: Rebuilding Lives After Crises and Loss, both by Ann Kaiser Sterns, very helpful. I don’t think the latter is in print anymore, but you can buy used copies on Amazon. And I often refer back to Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff, a book I avoided for many years because the title made me think it was about learning to be a slacker. To the contrary, it is about how to be relaxed and happy while still working hard and achieving goals—very valuable to me as for many years I bought into the idea that those two concepts simply could not coexist.
I hope some of the above thoughts are helpful if you’re struggling with the holidays this year or if the holidays are generally a challenging time for you. And to all my friends, readers, and colleagues, my best wishes for a safe and happy holiday season.
------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa M. Lilly is the author of the occult thrillers The Awakening and The Unbelievers, Books 1 and 2 in the Awakening series. A short film of the title story of her collection The Tower Formerly Known as Sears and Two Other Tales of Urban Horror was recently produced under the title Willis Tower. If you'd like to be notified of new releases and read reviews of M.O.S.T. (Mystery, Occult, Suspense, Thriller) books and movies, click here tojoin her email list and receive free a short horror story, Ninevah, published exclusively to M.O.S.T. subscribers.
When The Holidays Are Less Than Happy
Usually I love the winter holidays. I have great memories from when I was little and my brothers created present treasure hunts for me and from when my nieces and nephews were kids and presented their own original holiday plays. I find the Chicago holiday lights cheerful and a great antidote to the sometimes dreary weather. But bright lights and parties and unrelenting good cheer, in my experience, can also make a person feel that much worse if the holiday occurs after a serious loss, during a difficult personal time, or simply brings bad memories or highlights challenging family circumstances.
Reindeer Games2007 was one of the hardest holiday seasons for me. Early that year, both my parents were hit by a drunk driver and died of their injuries. Sadly, through the Alliance Against Intoxicated Motorists (AAIM), I also know many people whose children were killed and who struggled with the first holiday season and every one thereafter. Less tragic but still extremely difficult situations like a divorce or job loss can also make the end of the year and coming new year hard to handle. And then there are the day-to-day, year-to-year issues that cause many of us to dread holiday meals. Thanksgiving dinner can be less about gratitude and more about refighting family battles, highlighting longstanding feuds, or prompting excessive drinking and related unpleasant behavior or, worse, tragedy if drinking and driving leads to a crash.
What's important when feeling blue or more seriously depressed or anxious at the holidays is experimenting and finding what works for you regardless what tradition dictates. The most freeing thing for one of my friends was realizing there was no law requiring her to attend family holiday gatherings. From then on, her view was, “If you don’t like your family, find another one.” I've spent many holidays with friends rather than family for various reasons. Some people I know from AAIM changed holiday locations after their childrens’ deaths, choosing to travel for Christmas rather than staying home. Others invited friends for coffee and cake on Thanksgiving rather than hosting a traditional large family dinner.
Starting a personal solitary tradition can also be wonderful. A photographer I knew in my twenties found being with his parents very difficult and instead went out each Christmas morning at sunrise to take photographs of Lake Michigan. They were among the most beautiful pictures I’d ever seen, and his ritual struck me as wonderfully peaceful, sane, and happy in an often too-intense holiday season. During a few of the years after my parents’ deaths, I skipped some holiday gatherings entirely in favor or rewatching favorite movies or rereading favorite books. I found the familiarity and predictability comforting after shocking, disturbing life events, and I was freed of feeling I had to keep up a happy face. My favorite books to revisit run the gamut, including Pride and Prejudice, The Little Princess, Gone With The Wind, Atlas Shrugged, The Dead Zone, and The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe. I also like putting on a few CDs (yes, I still listen to music on CDs) and making a favorite food like Pillsbury biscuits with cinnamon and brown sugar or heating rich hot chocolate with real milk and dark chocolate shavings. I do try to avoid more than a glass or two of wine because alcohol is a depressant, and too much of it and I’ll start dwelling on people I’ve lost rather than remembering the happy times I had.
------------------------------------------------------------------Click here to Join Lisa M. Lilly's M.O.S.T. (Mystery, Occult, Suspense, Thriller) Readers Group and receive Ninevah, a short horror story published exclusively for subscribers, free.
------------------------------------------------------------------
In addition to rereading favorite novels, there are a few nonfiction books that helped me over the years, particularly at the holidays. One is Anthony Robbins’ Awaken The Giant Within. I particularly recommend his chapter on the questions we ask ourselves. It's a quick way to help yourself if you tend to get stuck mentally asking things like why something terrible happened to you or someone you love, or why your family is so difficult, or why you aren’t more successful (and I have at different times asked myself all those things, which is part of why I'm enjoying turning fifty). If you are grieving a loss or suffered another type of crises, whether recent or not, I found Living Through Personal Crisis and Coming Back: Rebuilding Lives After Crises and Loss, both by Ann Kaiser Sterns, very helpful. I don’t think the latter is in print anymore, but you can buy used copies on Amazon. And I often refer back to Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff, a book I avoided for many years because the title made me think it was about learning to be a slacker. To the contrary, it is about how to be relaxed and happy while still working hard and achieving goals—very valuable to me as for many years I bought into the idea that those two concepts simply could not coexist.
I hope some of the above thoughts are helpful if you’re struggling with the holidays this year or if the holidays are generally a challenging time for you. And to all my friends, readers, and colleagues, my best wishes for a safe and happy holiday season.
------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa M. Lilly is the author of the occult thrillers The Awakening and The Unbelievers, Books 1 and 2 in the Awakening series. A short film of the title story of her collection The Tower Formerly Known as Sears and Two Other Tales of Urban Horror was recently produced under the title Willis Tower. If you'd like to be notified of new releases and read reviews of M.O.S.T. (Mystery, Occult, Suspense, Thriller) books and movies, click here tojoin her email list and receive free a short horror story, Ninevah, published exclusively to M.O.S.T. subscribers.
Reindeer Games2007 was one of the hardest holiday seasons for me. Early that year, both my parents were hit by a drunk driver and died of their injuries. Sadly, through the Alliance Against Intoxicated Motorists (AAIM), I also know many people whose children were killed and who struggled with the first holiday season and every one thereafter. Less tragic but still extremely difficult situations like a divorce or job loss can also make the end of the year and coming new year hard to handle. And then there are the day-to-day, year-to-year issues that cause many of us to dread holiday meals. Thanksgiving dinner can be less about gratitude and more about refighting family battles, highlighting longstanding feuds, or prompting excessive drinking and related unpleasant behavior or, worse, tragedy if drinking and driving leads to a crash.What's important when feeling blue or more seriously depressed or anxious at the holidays is experimenting and finding what works for you regardless what tradition dictates. The most freeing thing for one of my friends was realizing there was no law requiring her to attend family holiday gatherings. From then on, her view was, “If you don’t like your family, find another one.” I've spent many holidays with friends rather than family for various reasons. Some people I know from AAIM changed holiday locations after their childrens’ deaths, choosing to travel for Christmas rather than staying home. Others invited friends for coffee and cake on Thanksgiving rather than hosting a traditional large family dinner.
Starting a personal solitary tradition can also be wonderful. A photographer I knew in my twenties found being with his parents very difficult and instead went out each Christmas morning at sunrise to take photographs of Lake Michigan. They were among the most beautiful pictures I’d ever seen, and his ritual struck me as wonderfully peaceful, sane, and happy in an often too-intense holiday season. During a few of the years after my parents’ deaths, I skipped some holiday gatherings entirely in favor or rewatching favorite movies or rereading favorite books. I found the familiarity and predictability comforting after shocking, disturbing life events, and I was freed of feeling I had to keep up a happy face. My favorite books to revisit run the gamut, including Pride and Prejudice, The Little Princess, Gone With The Wind, Atlas Shrugged, The Dead Zone, and The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe. I also like putting on a few CDs (yes, I still listen to music on CDs) and making a favorite food like Pillsbury biscuits with cinnamon and brown sugar or heating rich hot chocolate with real milk and dark chocolate shavings. I do try to avoid more than a glass or two of wine because alcohol is a depressant, and too much of it and I’ll start dwelling on people I’ve lost rather than remembering the happy times I had.
------------------------------------------------------------------Click here to Join Lisa M. Lilly's M.O.S.T. (Mystery, Occult, Suspense, Thriller) Readers Group and receive Ninevah, a short horror story published exclusively for subscribers, free.
------------------------------------------------------------------
In addition to rereading favorite novels, there are a few nonfiction books that helped me over the years, particularly at the holidays. One is Anthony Robbins’ Awaken The Giant Within. I particularly recommend his chapter on the questions we ask ourselves. It's a quick way to help yourself if you tend to get stuck mentally asking things like why something terrible happened to you or someone you love, or why your family is so difficult, or why you aren’t more successful (and I have at different times asked myself all those things, which is part of why I'm enjoying turning fifty). If you are grieving a loss or suffered another type of crises, whether recent or not, I found Living Through Personal Crisis and Coming Back: Rebuilding Lives After Crises and Loss, both by Ann Kaiser Sterns, very helpful. I don’t think the latter is in print anymore, but you can buy used copies on Amazon. And I often refer back to Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff, a book I avoided for many years because the title made me think it was about learning to be a slacker. To the contrary, it is about how to be relaxed and happy while still working hard and achieving goals—very valuable to me as for many years I bought into the idea that those two concepts simply could not coexist.
I hope some of the above thoughts are helpful if you’re struggling with the holidays this year or if the holidays are generally a challenging time for you. And to all my friends, readers, and colleagues, my best wishes for a safe and happy holiday season.
------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa M. Lilly is the author of the occult thrillers The Awakening and The Unbelievers, Books 1 and 2 in the Awakening series. A short film of the title story of her collection The Tower Formerly Known as Sears and Two Other Tales of Urban Horror was recently produced under the title Willis Tower. If you'd like to be notified of new releases and read reviews of M.O.S.T. (Mystery, Occult, Suspense, Thriller) books and movies, click here tojoin her email list and receive free a short horror story, Ninevah, published exclusively to M.O.S.T. subscribers.
December 16, 2015
The Beauty of Being Fifty
This month I am celebrating my 50th birthday, and, so far, I'm finding it to be a wonderful time of life. Below are 10 reasons I feel that way:
On a trip to Maui, relaxing after finishing latest revisionsto The Conflagration. Happiness :
When I was in my late 30s, I read a book, How We Choose to Be Happy, that compiles studies on happiness. I don't remember the details, but the gist of it was that the happiest people are those who figure out for themselves what brings them joy and follow their own paths rather than trying to conform to what other people believe they should do. The book made sense to me, but I confess I sometimes worried when family members and even friends warned me that I’d “be sorry later” for not making the same choices they had made or were making. (My mother, distressed about me living with a longtime boyfriend without being married, once said, "You're not happy, you just think you are." Which could provide fodder for some interesting philosophical discussions, but that's a whole other post.) I've stopped worrying about being sorry later. Over fifty years, I’ve known enough people for enough time to see firsthand that those who are happiest are those who’ve been fortunate enough to spend much of their time doing what they enjoy, being with people they like and respect, and putting most of their effort toward goals they find meaningful, regardless of how well their lives match anyone else’s picture of what they "should" be doing.
Home:
For the first 15 years of my working life, I worked very hard and earned very little. For the next 15, I worked hard and earned enough to buy a home (and later buy and move to a different home), but I was at my office or traveling so much I often felt I was living in a hotel. It was nice, but impersonal. Over the last decade, though, I’ve managed to accumulate furniture and furnishings I love (the former from a mix of Pottery Barn, secondhand and antique stores, and family pieces, including my grandmother's Singer sewing machine) and paint colors and flooring that all actually fit together. I enjoy my surroundings at home more than I ever have. That’s especially important because I do most of my writing in my home office. So my kitchen is both my kitchen and my break room, and my living room is my living room and a second area for pacing and dictating chapters into my iPhone when I feel too cooped up in my home office.
Privacy:
Now that I'm near 50, fewer people ask intrusive questions about my personal life. Many women have told me that when they were pregnant, strangers would come up to them and touch their bellies and ask personal questions about how far along they were or if they were planning on natural childbirth, as if it is everyone's right to know about their reproductive choices. Likewise, as I wrote about in Goodbye Ovaries, throughout my 30s and early 40s, people took it upon themselves to ask why I hadn't had children yet and to rush to assure me that there was still time to have them, even when I said I didn't want or plan to have kids. My guess is that now people satisfy themselves by thinking, “Oh, how sad, she never had kids,” and refrain from saying anything for fear of making me feel worse. I don't feel sad at not having children, but if the idea that I might be causes others to keep their views on my choices to themselves, I’m all for it.
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Privacy (Part Two):
On a similar note, people also are less likely to ask me if I am married, divorced, or single or if I ever married. I'm guessing it’s connected to the child issue above. As with having children, I haven't noticed that marriage in general makes people happier or unhappier, but based on the questions I used to get, most people either presume that married people are happier and so want to push everyone into it or feel they personally are unhappy with being married and don’t understand why those of us who are happy being single ought to be allowed to stay that way. For whatever reason, the past five years or so I've noticed a decrease in such questions. Which is good for my reputation for being a polite, nice person, as the next time someone asked me, “Why haven’t you gotten married yet?” I was considering responding, “I don’t know. Why haven’t you gotten divorced yet?”
Gratitude:
The older I am, the more I realize how privileged and fortunate I am to have always had a home, enough food to eat, and people around me who care about me, as well as people who have helped me reach my goals. Each morning, I say out loud three things from the last twenty-four hours for which I’m grateful and say how specifically they have made my life better. And then I feel grateful that I can always think of three things.
Innovation:
I'm excited to be living at a time where technology has opened so many ways of connecting with people and conducting business. The two ways I make my living now, writing and law, changed dramatically in the past decade. As a solo lawyer, I can work with clients all over the world on the same basis as do lawyers in very large firms, as the technology to do so is inexpensive and easily accessible. As an author, I can run my own publishing business and sell my work directly to readers, without being limited by what large publishing houses believe will be popular. Also, through social media, I’ve found communities of writers, artists, and readers all over the world whom I never would have met a decade or two ago. I found the story editor for Book 3 in my Awakening series, The Conflagration, because I listened to him on Storywonk podcasts about Buffy, Pride & Prejudice, and writing. Through the editor, I also found two beta readers, one of whom lives in Australia. With a click of a button, I sent her the manuscript to read. Likewise, I can keep in touch with friends and family all over the world as inexpensively as I can with someone who lives next door.
No More Working "For the Experience":
I no longer need to do work I dislike simply to get experience or build my resume. I've gained valuable skills and learned a great deal at every job I've held. Many had tasks I didn't enjoy or actively hated, and I persisted to build a reputation or gain skills or add to my resume. Those are all good reasons for doing work that you don't particularly like (earning money is a really good reason too), but it's wonderful to be at a stage of life where how much I enjoy doing something is as important, if not more important, when I'm deciding what work to do. Recently, to celebrate my 50th birthday, I spent a week in my favorite place, Maui (see photo). I've been there several times before. While I had just as good a time as always, and I knew I was returning to Chicago in winter time, for the first time at the end of the trip I felt ready to come home. That's because I really enjoy almost every aspect of my work life, so returning to work is a happy thought.
Doing What I Like To Do For The Experience:
On the flipside, everything I do now is for the experience, in a different sense of the word. I take a trip or read a non-fiction book or introduce myself to somebody new simply because I want to, regardless whether it fits neatly within whatever professional or personal goals I’m pursuing. I've written enough novels and seen enough litigation to conclusion that I know it's okay to take time to simply enjoy an activity for its own sake. How much fun is that?
Confidence:
I’m more aware of and comfortable with my strengths and weaknesses, and I've realized how to best use my strengths rather than trying to be everything to everyone. When I was a new lawyer, people outside of law often told me I was "too nice" to be a lawyer. I recognized that this had more to do with the television and movie depictions of lawyers being, at best, overly aggressive and, at worst, underhanded, nasty, and unethical, but it still worried me that I might not seem tough enough to be a real lawyer. Over the decades, happily, I’ve discovered that being civil and treating people respectfully is an advantage 99 times out of 100, and when I need to be more aggressive, I’ve learned how to do that effectively. But I don’t try to change who I am to fit other people’s ideas about what a hard-driving, pound-the-table attorney looks like. Similarly, I know my books aren’t for everyone. If I get a good or bad review that is detailed and specific enough to draw my attention, I look to see what other books that reviewer likes and doesn’t like. If someone loved Rosemary’s Baby and The Da Vinci Code, I’ll consider the comments, positive or negative, when writing my next book. On the other hand, if the reviewer prefers literary fiction with chapters of lyrical prose where nothing happens and no one speaks, I’m less inclined to take that reviewer’s view of plot and character development to heart.
People:
I have friends and colleagues I've met during all different phases of my life so far. Some I met at my early jobs throughout and soon after college, others I met in school, others when I became a lawyer, others at writing conferences, and more through on line communities and other activities I've enjoyed over the years. Yes, I had friends and acquaintances in my 20s and 30s, but not nearly as many, and it was harder to keep in touch. Now I spend nearly all my time interacting with people I like, admire, and respect. I can't think of anything better to be able to say about life than that.
How do you feel about different milestones in life? And what do you think are the most important factors in how happy you are? Feel free to comment.
------------------------------------------------------------ Lisa M. Lilly is the author of the occult thrillers TheAwakening and The Unbelievers, Books 1 and 2 in the Awakening series. A short film of the title story of her collection The Tower Formerly Known as Sears andTwo Other Tales of Urban Horror was recently produced under the title Willis Tower. If you'd like to be notified of new releases and read reviews of M.O.S.T. (Mystery, Occult, Suspense, Thriller) books and movies, click here to join her email list and receive free a short horror story, Ninevah, published exclusively to M.O.S.T. subscribers.
December 9, 2015
When The (Holiday) World Revolves Around You
In early November I attended a cocktail party. A business acquaintance mentioned she was exhausted from traveling constantly for her work, which is international. I asked if she’d be able to be home for Thanksgiving, and she said yes. I then said I hoped she could be home for Christmas, too. She said, "So I'm Jewish--" and someone interrupted before we could finish the conversation. She didn't seem offended, but I was embarrassed that by default I’d asked about the holiday I grew up celebrating.
This year's Christmas Tree at Macy's (Marshall Field's)I could say the reason I automatically asked about Christmas is that I don’t celebrate it as a religious holiday, having left the Catholic Church decades ago and no longer being a theist. So, to me, it’s not about religion. It’s a time to celebrate friends and family. It also brightens the winter months. I keep my lights and decorations up for a long time (I’ve been known to take my tree down on Valentine’s Day), to help me cope with the cold and darkness of Chicago winters.
I could also say that I’m aware of differences in religious and holiday practices and am usually much better about recognizing them. For my personal holiday cards, when I am organized enough to send them (stay tuned for whether that happens this year), I choose winter scenes and Seasons Greetings-type messages because it’s simpler than buying different sets of cards for friends who celebrate Christmas, Hanukah, other holidays, or no holidays. On a business level, Seasons Greetings cards have always been my choice. When I was at my busiest as a lawyer, I sent about a hundred to two hundred cards to colleagues around the world, and it would have been impractical and intrusive to call each and ask their religious affiliation, or lack of, and their personal holiday practices before sending each card. (For this reason, I don’t buy that Donald Trump, a business person based in New York City, which has 1.1 million people who are Jewish, actually thinks making every businessperson say “Merry Christmas” rather than “Happy Holidays” is a wise idea.)
I could also say my default to Christmas is due to growing up in a suburb where, as I’ve written before, religious diversity meant some people were some type of Christian other than Catholic, but that my writing and my business life show that I am well aware of the many religious differences in the world.
------------------------------------------------------------------Click here to Join Lisa M. Lilly's Readers Group and receive Ninevah, a short horror story published exclusively for subscribers, free. ------------------------------------------------------------------
But the reality is, I asked about Christmas because, when it comes to holidays, the world revolves around me. When I go to Macy's department store on State Street (the former Marshall Field's for those of you who, like me, haven’t adjusted to the change) in December and eat in the famed Walnut Room, I sit below a gigantic and beautiful Christmas tree. Every year on my birthday, which is in December, I walk through City Hall to see the Christmas trees, and I browse the Christkindle Market in the Daley Center and usually buy a Christmas ornament or two. This year for the first time I’ve taken a winter vacation somewhere warm. The resort I’m at features no less than three Christmas trees in its extended outdoor lobby. Not only that, but despite having worked on every other holiday of the year at some point or another, and having worked in retail, manufacturing, law, and other businesses, I’ve never been asked to work on Christmas. All my coworkers have always wished me Merry Christmas. Yet despite having worked with lawyers who are Jewish for over 15 years, I cannot tell you on any given year on what day Hanukkah begins, nor when Yom Kippur is. And I don't know the names of the holidays in most other religions. They are just “other” to me.
I love Christmas. The decorations make me smile. I have wonderful memories of when my nieces and nephews were little and I’d stay overnight at my parents’ house and help wrap presents and put out cookies for Santa. None of my friends who did not grow up celebrating Christmas have ever complained about the prevalence of Christmas trees and decorations all over the stores and city plazas, nor been upset if I don’t know which holidays they celebrate or on what day. Nor would I be upset if they did not wish me Merry Christmas or send me a holiday card. All the same, in the future, I hope to do a better job of recognizing everyone’s holidays and choices and being more aware of the privilege I have that the traditions I grew up with are those that are recognized everywhere I go. Not everyone gets that same recognition.
What about you? How do you feel about holiday traditions?
------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa M. Lilly is the author of the occult thrillers The Awakening and The Unbelievers, Books 1 and 2 in the Awakening series. A short film of the title story of her collection The Tower Formerly Known as Sears and Two Other Tales of Urban Horror was recently produced under the title Willis Tower. If you'd like to be notified of new releases and read reviews of M.O.S.T. (Mystery, Occult, Suspense, Thriller) books and movies, click here to join her email list and receive free a short horror story, Ninevah, published exclusively to M.O.S.T. subscribers.
This year's Christmas Tree at Macy's (Marshall Field's)I could say the reason I automatically asked about Christmas is that I don’t celebrate it as a religious holiday, having left the Catholic Church decades ago and no longer being a theist. So, to me, it’s not about religion. It’s a time to celebrate friends and family. It also brightens the winter months. I keep my lights and decorations up for a long time (I’ve been known to take my tree down on Valentine’s Day), to help me cope with the cold and darkness of Chicago winters.I could also say that I’m aware of differences in religious and holiday practices and am usually much better about recognizing them. For my personal holiday cards, when I am organized enough to send them (stay tuned for whether that happens this year), I choose winter scenes and Seasons Greetings-type messages because it’s simpler than buying different sets of cards for friends who celebrate Christmas, Hanukah, other holidays, or no holidays. On a business level, Seasons Greetings cards have always been my choice. When I was at my busiest as a lawyer, I sent about a hundred to two hundred cards to colleagues around the world, and it would have been impractical and intrusive to call each and ask their religious affiliation, or lack of, and their personal holiday practices before sending each card. (For this reason, I don’t buy that Donald Trump, a business person based in New York City, which has 1.1 million people who are Jewish, actually thinks making every businessperson say “Merry Christmas” rather than “Happy Holidays” is a wise idea.)
I could also say my default to Christmas is due to growing up in a suburb where, as I’ve written before, religious diversity meant some people were some type of Christian other than Catholic, but that my writing and my business life show that I am well aware of the many religious differences in the world.
------------------------------------------------------------------Click here to Join Lisa M. Lilly's Readers Group and receive Ninevah, a short horror story published exclusively for subscribers, free. ------------------------------------------------------------------
But the reality is, I asked about Christmas because, when it comes to holidays, the world revolves around me. When I go to Macy's department store on State Street (the former Marshall Field's for those of you who, like me, haven’t adjusted to the change) in December and eat in the famed Walnut Room, I sit below a gigantic and beautiful Christmas tree. Every year on my birthday, which is in December, I walk through City Hall to see the Christmas trees, and I browse the Christkindle Market in the Daley Center and usually buy a Christmas ornament or two. This year for the first time I’ve taken a winter vacation somewhere warm. The resort I’m at features no less than three Christmas trees in its extended outdoor lobby. Not only that, but despite having worked on every other holiday of the year at some point or another, and having worked in retail, manufacturing, law, and other businesses, I’ve never been asked to work on Christmas. All my coworkers have always wished me Merry Christmas. Yet despite having worked with lawyers who are Jewish for over 15 years, I cannot tell you on any given year on what day Hanukkah begins, nor when Yom Kippur is. And I don't know the names of the holidays in most other religions. They are just “other” to me.I love Christmas. The decorations make me smile. I have wonderful memories of when my nieces and nephews were little and I’d stay overnight at my parents’ house and help wrap presents and put out cookies for Santa. None of my friends who did not grow up celebrating Christmas have ever complained about the prevalence of Christmas trees and decorations all over the stores and city plazas, nor been upset if I don’t know which holidays they celebrate or on what day. Nor would I be upset if they did not wish me Merry Christmas or send me a holiday card. All the same, in the future, I hope to do a better job of recognizing everyone’s holidays and choices and being more aware of the privilege I have that the traditions I grew up with are those that are recognized everywhere I go. Not everyone gets that same recognition.
What about you? How do you feel about holiday traditions?
------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa M. Lilly is the author of the occult thrillers The Awakening and The Unbelievers, Books 1 and 2 in the Awakening series. A short film of the title story of her collection The Tower Formerly Known as Sears and Two Other Tales of Urban Horror was recently produced under the title Willis Tower. If you'd like to be notified of new releases and read reviews of M.O.S.T. (Mystery, Occult, Suspense, Thriller) books and movies, click here to join her email list and receive free a short horror story, Ninevah, published exclusively to M.O.S.T. subscribers.
December 2, 2015
Five Wonderful Things About Millennials
When I created the main character for my Awakening series, I wasn't thinking about generational issues. I wanted Tara Spencer to be young enough that it was believable she’d never had sex, I wanted her to have a strong reason other than a religious one for choosing to remain a virgin, and I wanted her to discover she was nonetheless pregnant when it would most disrupt her life. So I made her a pre-med student and the oldest of five children, so she understood exactly how much responsibility being a parent involves and avoiding pregnancy mattered a great deal to her educational and career goals. The term “Millennial” wasn’t one I recall being all that aware of. But I made Tara 21, and she's now 22 as I write Book 3, so if she existed in real time, she would be a Millennial.
Awareness of the Millennial generation is more a part of my day-to-day life these days. I teach law students, most of whom fall into the 22 to 28 age range, and, now that I write full time, I read more blogs and listen to podcasts that are produced by or aimed at Millennials. On the other hand, most of the lawyers I work with (I still practice law part-time) are Baby Boomers or older Generation Xers. Their clerks and junior lawyers tend to be Millennials, though, so I’ve heard plenty of complaints about the (lack of) work ethic of twenty-to-thirty-year olds. But as I thought about and further researched the Millennial generation, curious how or if my main character fit within it, I realized how much I like about people in that age range. A few of the main reasons:
They seek advice from adults, particularly their parents. When I was in my twenties, I rejected most of my parents’ advice as irrelevant. They were more than forty years older than me, how could they possibly understand anything I was going through? The older I get, the more I realize how many things my parents were right about, or at least had useful insight regarding. While Millennials get a lot of flack for relying too much on mom and dad (and I personally find it hard to understand how 85% of them could name a parent as their best friend), there is a lot to be said for taking advantage of the knowledge and experience of people who’ve been around a lot longer than you. When I rely on marketing tips from authors more savvy than I or seek input from a lawyer with a couple decades more experience, I don’t call that being too dependent, I call it being smart and efficient. Many Millennials are smart and efficient.
More so than previous generations, Millennials value and respect differences among people. Part of it is that, in the U.S. at least, they are the most ethnically and racially diverse generation to date. They also are the most social both on and off line. They are more likely to know people with different sexual orientations, different religious and philosophical beliefs, and who are part of different racial and ethnic groups. In contrast, I grew up in a part of a middle income suburb that was almost entirely white and non-Hispanic. I never had an African-American classmate until my first year of college or an African-American professor until my fourth year. Religious diversity where I grew up meant some people were Catholic and others were non-Catholic Christians. The first time I saw a synagogue was on a field trip in high school. That was also the first time that I heard anyone say he didn’t believe that Jesus Christ rose from the dead. I love that Millennials are so much less likely to live in worlds where everyone is so similar to them.
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On a related note, and perhaps for the above reason, Millennials as a group care about other people's feelings. If they unintentionally offend someone by using a word or term, they’re less likely than members of previous generations to insist they didn’t mean anything by it and the person offended should just “get over it.” Millennials would rather look for another way to express themselves that won’t offend others. Likewise, people in the Millennial generation are more likely to believe that everyone can get along and to look for ways for that to happen, rather than assuming that people of different genders, races, religious backgrounds, or sexual orientation are so radically unlike that it’s as if they come from different planets. As someone who found the stereotypes about gender in the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus books frustrating and reductive, I’m happy many Millennials reject that type of thinking. Also, on a personal note, having grown up with a mother who often spoke her mind, to me at least, without a thought for how her comments might sound (most famously, “You couldn’t get your first novel published, why would you waste time writing another?”) but who generally did not intend to make me feel bad, I’m all for everyone taking a few extra minutes to consider the effect of their words.
Social issues still matter when it comes to finances. Many twenty-somethings finished college or graduate school during the recent recession when jobs were particularly scarce. Despite having more limited economic resources, they are concerned with the values of the companies from which they buy products and the employers for whom they work. More than 50% of those in the Millennial generation buy from companies that support causes they care about. Millennials also push their employers to issue more honest public relations materials.
Perhaps related to both their economic circumstances and their social consciousness, Millennials generally value experiences and quality of life more highly than things. One life skill vital to my personal happiness that I learned from my parents, who grew up during the Great Depression, was to thoughtfully consider how I spent both my money and my time and make choices based on what I found important, not on what society in general found most alluring. My mom and dad were among the last to buy a color TV, never owned more than one car at a time, and never bought a grocery that wasn’t reduced for a sale or based on a coupon. Yet they spent money taking trips to Europe, including to sites of religious significance to them, signed up for adult education classes, and donated every month to several charities. Interestingly, Millennials are making similar choices in some ways to those of the Greatest Generation. As noted above, they are more apt than their parents to buy products based on the manufacturer’s and distributor's ethics and values than price. Many also share cars rather than own them outright and prefer smaller living spaces that are more environmentally sound rather than working longer hours to pay high rent. Along the same lines, they prioritize taking trips to other countries over purchasing homes and value their free time more than how much they could earn if they worked their lives away. While this last leads to charges that they are lazy and/or entitled, and no doubt some are (just as some people in every generation could be called that), my guess is they will live longer, healthier, and happier lives than the generations before them did.
So, in all, I’m happy Tara, at least for the moment, is part of the Millennial generation, though, as with any individual, she shares some of the traits of her generation and not others. Please feel free to share your experiences with people of various generations below.
------------------------------------------------------------Lisa M. Lilly is the author of the occult thrillers The Awakening and The Unbelievers, Books 1 and 2 in the Awakening series. A short film of the title story of her collection The Tower Formerly Known as Sears and Two Other Tales of Urban Horror was recently produced under the title Willis Tower. If you'd like to be notified of new releases and read reviews of M.O.S.T. (Mystery, Occult, Suspense, Thriller) books and movies, click here to join her email list and receive free a short horror story, Ninevah, published exclusively to M.O.S.T. subscribers.
November 25, 2015
Five Somewhat Unexpected Things To Be Thankful For
I had a few different ideas about what to write this week, but then I looked at my calendar and saw this post would go live the day before Thanksgiving. So in the spirit of the holiday, and in no particular order, I'll share what I'm especially grateful for.
- Grandparents who emigrated from Poland: I said no particular order and then realized I needed to start with my grandparents. If they had not come to this country, I wouldn't be here. My grandfather came before World War I, and my grandmother followed about 11 years later. She brought my Aunt Hermie and Uncle John with her. My aunt lived to be 97 but still talked about hating school. At 12 years old, she was put in third grade because she didn't speak English, and all the kids made fun of her. The whole family struggled, especially during the Depression. My grandfather could not get work, so he did construction through the WPA. One of the projects he worked on was the Brookfield Zoo. My grandmother cleaned houses. My uncle told stories about how he and his brothers stole sleds from the orphanage in their neighborhood. My mom’s family couldn’t afford sleds, and my uncles were jealous that people donated things like that to the orphans. By making such a huge change in their lives and persevering, my grandparents opened up so many opportunities for their children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren, who include teachers, lawyers, professors, doctors, executives, and many other professions and who are all people who work hard, contribute to their communities in positive ways, and have loving families. I wish I could tell my grandparents how much I appreciate their willingness to get on boats and travel to a new land where they didn't speak the language and were not sure what awaited them.
My mom and dad at their wedding.- That lower-than-entry-level job. My first full-time job after college was at a company called PetroVend. Other than the money I earned and that there were nice people there, I would not have expected I’d be particularly thankful for that job. I worked at the company part time during the last two years of college coding by hand key cards like the ones that are now used for hotels. I was a good employee, so the company expanded the job to full time, adding duties such as invoice entry, filing documents, and assembling and sending catalogs to distributors. It was not particularly exciting, but I gained a lot of computer skills on the job. One of my more mundane tasks was photocopying a financial newsletter for one of the two owners. As I copied, I read. It was my first exposure to the idea that money itself could be invested to make more money. I had nothing to invest at the time, which made it easier to learn. I had no strong emotions tied to the stock market or to how to use money I might make in the future. I also often had to copy of the company’s manuals when we ran out. This was on a photocopier that did not have a collating function, so I made 20 copies of each individual page, then laid out hundreds of pages on the table and collated them myself. The same owner saw me doing this day after day and working quickly and, generally, cheerfully. (I was plotting my next novel in my head.) He stopped to tell me that he was impressed that I worked so hard at such a dull task and that he believed I would do well at anything I chose to do in life. He probably does not remember saying that to me, but it made a big difference. I realized that even at a low level job, I could distinguish myself. I also learned that working hard and caring about doing a good job are qualities that not everyone has, and that those qualities are valuable to employers. (And now that I hire people myself, I realize those qualities are even rarer than I grasped back then.)
- New ways of watching television. I never would have expected to say I’m grateful for television, as for many years I did not regularly watch any shows. But I love the new ways to watch TV, particularly being able to watch an entire season within a short time period. That change in viewing habits has led to season-long story arcs, something almost unheard of when I was growing up. It is such a great way to see and understand plot, theme, and character growth. Plus it’s led to excellent scripts. In fact, at a panel discussion at the Goodman Theater last year, one of the speakers commented with disappointment that many of the best writers now work in television rather theater. I love seeing plays, so it is disappointing from that perspective. But watching a season of television now can be much like a 13-20 hour play, with all the nuances and challenge and excitement. While I doubt I’ll ever write for television, being able to watch a drama play out that way has helped my novel writing immeasurably. Plus it’s fun.
- Podcasts. I just started listening to podcasts this year. In them, I’ve found a wealth of information as well as a sense of community. Every week, Joanna Penn in The Creative Penn interviews people about writing, marketing, and/or publishing. So much of that advice has helped me not only improve sales of my books but improve how I use my time and how I write. And Joanna’s updates on her fiction and non-fiction books and her speaking engagements, as well as comments by her listeners, keep me in touch with the community of other independent authors. At the StoryWonk forum, I’ve found other people who love writing as much as I do, and who care about story, theme, plot, and characters as if the world depended upon it. There I’ve also found people who love Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the Dusted podcast) and Pride and Prejudice (the In Want of a Wife podcast), plus Alastair Stephens’ Journeyman Writer podcast on the craft of writing. Through the Reel Chat podcast, I've been able to enjoy learning more about story and also all aspects of making movies. The podcasters have such a great sense of humor and camaraderie that I often listen even if I haven’t seen the film. (Though I do love Reel Chat most when it covers favorite movies such as Terminator. And, I hope someday soon, the Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles series -- that’s a hint, guys.) Finally, the Thank God I'm Atheist podcast addresses both religion and lack of belief with humor and insight, and I am very grateful to feel that I’m not alone in being a non-believer with a fascination with religion and its power in our culture.
------------------------------------------------------------------Click here to Join Lisa M. Lilly's Readers Group and receive Ninevah, a short horror story published exclusively for subscribers, free. ------------------------------------------------------------------- The age difference between my parents and me. My parents got married in their thirties and had my two brothers, then I came along when they were in their forties. My mother said having children late kept them young, and I am very grateful for that. (That’s a surprise, as when I was growing up, the large age gap exacerbated generational differences, and I wished for parents closer to my age.) Even when she hit her late seventies and early eighties, my mom’s philosophy was that old is ten years older than you are. My dad lived to his late eighties without losing any of his mental sharpness. Particularly because I have colleagues and acquaintances in their fifties who are already practicing to be old by reminiscing about how wonderful it was to be young and lamenting not seeing as well, thinking as well, etc., I’m grateful to have had examples of people who focused on the privilege of being alive rather than the negatives of living into middle age and well beyond. As I reach middle age, I feel more effective in both my law and writing careers because of the knowledge and experience I worked so hard to gain. I’m also freer to do things I enjoy because I’m not scrambling merely to pay the rent, and my life is richer for the friends and family members I’ve shared good and bad times with and because my widening circles of interest brings me in touch with new people all time. Just as there were good and bad parts of being in my twenties, there have been good and bad aspects of each decade since. I’m glad I learned from my mom and dad not to romanticize being young and not to dread being old, but to live life in the here and now.
What about you? What are you thankful for this November?
------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa M. Lilly is the author of the occult thrillers The Awakening and The Unbelievers, Books 1 and 2 in the Awakening series. A short film of the title story of her collection The Tower Formerly Known as Sears and Two Other Tales of Urban Horror was recently produced under the title Willis Tower. If you'd like to be notified of new releases and read reviews of M.O.S.T. (Mystery, Occult, Suspense, Thriller) books and movies, click here to join her email list and receive free a short horror story, Ninevah, published exclusively to M.O.S.T. subscribers.
- Grandparents who emigrated from Poland: I said no particular order and then realized I needed to start with my grandparents. If they had not come to this country, I wouldn't be here. My grandfather came before World War I, and my grandmother followed about 11 years later. She brought my Aunt Hermie and Uncle John with her. My aunt lived to be 97 but still talked about hating school. At 12 years old, she was put in third grade because she didn't speak English, and all the kids made fun of her. The whole family struggled, especially during the Depression. My grandfather could not get work, so he did construction through the WPA. One of the projects he worked on was the Brookfield Zoo. My grandmother cleaned houses. My uncle told stories about how he and his brothers stole sleds from the orphanage in their neighborhood. My mom’s family couldn’t afford sleds, and my uncles were jealous that people donated things like that to the orphans. By making such a huge change in their lives and persevering, my grandparents opened up so many opportunities for their children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren, who include teachers, lawyers, professors, doctors, executives, and many other professions and who are all people who work hard, contribute to their communities in positive ways, and have loving families. I wish I could tell my grandparents how much I appreciate their willingness to get on boats and travel to a new land where they didn't speak the language and were not sure what awaited them.
My mom and dad at their wedding.- That lower-than-entry-level job. My first full-time job after college was at a company called PetroVend. Other than the money I earned and that there were nice people there, I would not have expected I’d be particularly thankful for that job. I worked at the company part time during the last two years of college coding by hand key cards like the ones that are now used for hotels. I was a good employee, so the company expanded the job to full time, adding duties such as invoice entry, filing documents, and assembling and sending catalogs to distributors. It was not particularly exciting, but I gained a lot of computer skills on the job. One of my more mundane tasks was photocopying a financial newsletter for one of the two owners. As I copied, I read. It was my first exposure to the idea that money itself could be invested to make more money. I had nothing to invest at the time, which made it easier to learn. I had no strong emotions tied to the stock market or to how to use money I might make in the future. I also often had to copy of the company’s manuals when we ran out. This was on a photocopier that did not have a collating function, so I made 20 copies of each individual page, then laid out hundreds of pages on the table and collated them myself. The same owner saw me doing this day after day and working quickly and, generally, cheerfully. (I was plotting my next novel in my head.) He stopped to tell me that he was impressed that I worked so hard at such a dull task and that he believed I would do well at anything I chose to do in life. He probably does not remember saying that to me, but it made a big difference. I realized that even at a low level job, I could distinguish myself. I also learned that working hard and caring about doing a good job are qualities that not everyone has, and that those qualities are valuable to employers. (And now that I hire people myself, I realize those qualities are even rarer than I grasped back then.)- New ways of watching television. I never would have expected to say I’m grateful for television, as for many years I did not regularly watch any shows. But I love the new ways to watch TV, particularly being able to watch an entire season within a short time period. That change in viewing habits has led to season-long story arcs, something almost unheard of when I was growing up. It is such a great way to see and understand plot, theme, and character growth. Plus it’s led to excellent scripts. In fact, at a panel discussion at the Goodman Theater last year, one of the speakers commented with disappointment that many of the best writers now work in television rather theater. I love seeing plays, so it is disappointing from that perspective. But watching a season of television now can be much like a 13-20 hour play, with all the nuances and challenge and excitement. While I doubt I’ll ever write for television, being able to watch a drama play out that way has helped my novel writing immeasurably. Plus it’s fun.
- Podcasts. I just started listening to podcasts this year. In them, I’ve found a wealth of information as well as a sense of community. Every week, Joanna Penn in The Creative Penn interviews people about writing, marketing, and/or publishing. So much of that advice has helped me not only improve sales of my books but improve how I use my time and how I write. And Joanna’s updates on her fiction and non-fiction books and her speaking engagements, as well as comments by her listeners, keep me in touch with the community of other independent authors. At the StoryWonk forum, I’ve found other people who love writing as much as I do, and who care about story, theme, plot, and characters as if the world depended upon it. There I’ve also found people who love Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the Dusted podcast) and Pride and Prejudice (the In Want of a Wife podcast), plus Alastair Stephens’ Journeyman Writer podcast on the craft of writing. Through the Reel Chat podcast, I've been able to enjoy learning more about story and also all aspects of making movies. The podcasters have such a great sense of humor and camaraderie that I often listen even if I haven’t seen the film. (Though I do love Reel Chat most when it covers favorite movies such as Terminator. And, I hope someday soon, the Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles series -- that’s a hint, guys.) Finally, the Thank God I'm Atheist podcast addresses both religion and lack of belief with humor and insight, and I am very grateful to feel that I’m not alone in being a non-believer with a fascination with religion and its power in our culture.
------------------------------------------------------------------Click here to Join Lisa M. Lilly's Readers Group and receive Ninevah, a short horror story published exclusively for subscribers, free. ------------------------------------------------------------------- The age difference between my parents and me. My parents got married in their thirties and had my two brothers, then I came along when they were in their forties. My mother said having children late kept them young, and I am very grateful for that. (That’s a surprise, as when I was growing up, the large age gap exacerbated generational differences, and I wished for parents closer to my age.) Even when she hit her late seventies and early eighties, my mom’s philosophy was that old is ten years older than you are. My dad lived to his late eighties without losing any of his mental sharpness. Particularly because I have colleagues and acquaintances in their fifties who are already practicing to be old by reminiscing about how wonderful it was to be young and lamenting not seeing as well, thinking as well, etc., I’m grateful to have had examples of people who focused on the privilege of being alive rather than the negatives of living into middle age and well beyond. As I reach middle age, I feel more effective in both my law and writing careers because of the knowledge and experience I worked so hard to gain. I’m also freer to do things I enjoy because I’m not scrambling merely to pay the rent, and my life is richer for the friends and family members I’ve shared good and bad times with and because my widening circles of interest brings me in touch with new people all time. Just as there were good and bad parts of being in my twenties, there have been good and bad aspects of each decade since. I’m glad I learned from my mom and dad not to romanticize being young and not to dread being old, but to live life in the here and now.
What about you? What are you thankful for this November?
------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa M. Lilly is the author of the occult thrillers The Awakening and The Unbelievers, Books 1 and 2 in the Awakening series. A short film of the title story of her collection The Tower Formerly Known as Sears and Two Other Tales of Urban Horror was recently produced under the title Willis Tower. If you'd like to be notified of new releases and read reviews of M.O.S.T. (Mystery, Occult, Suspense, Thriller) books and movies, click here to join her email list and receive free a short horror story, Ninevah, published exclusively to M.O.S.T. subscribers.
November 18, 2015
Book Fairs, Fun Fairs, and Ice Cream
When I was in grade school, my three favorite events during the school year were the Fun Fair, the Ice Cream Social, and when the Scholastic book catalog came out. (I know, I was really wild kid, right?) The Fun Fair was held in the gymnasium. It was a giant space, or at least it seem that way at the time. There were rows and rows of carnival-like games. The one I loved most had plastic ducklings floating in long narrow troughs. You handed over your tickets and chose a duckling to lift out of the water. A number was written on the bottom of each duckling, and you got whatever price matched that number. I'm sure the prizes were small, but I loved it because I always "won" something. The other game I remember is one I'm pretty sure schools aren't allowed to do anymore. You tossed a ping-pong ball toward a group of goldfish bowls with narrow openings. If the ball went into a bowl, you got to take the goldfish home. The fish never lived very long, but I did have one for a while.
Getting reading for the Chicago Book Expo, 11/21/15, 11-5 at Columbia College, Chicago (sorry, piano not included)The Ice Cream Social was held in a medium sized room our school very creatively called the Multi-Purpose room. We had gym class there in the early grades and dance lessons there in junior high. I'm sure the Ice Cream Social had some games or prizes, but I mostly remember being excited about getting free ice cream. (I assume my parents probably paid something for us to attend, as I have to think this was some sort of school fundraiser, but I didn't know that at the time.)Then there was the day our teacher handed out the Scholastic book catalogs. I loved that day because it was the one time I got to buy books rather than only taking them out of the library. I love libraries, as I wrote about in Rediscovering Bliss--At The Library, but there was something very exciting about choosing books to own. My mom always let me pick out two. I'd circle them in the catalog, hand it in, then wait however many weeks to get the books. The anticipation was part of the fun. I had only one disappointment, and it was a big one. I got a book, it was some sort of fantasy story. Halfway through, suddenly the print on the pages was upside down. The first half of the book had been printed twice. Once right side up and once upside down so that if you flipped over the book you would be reading the first half again. When the teacher contacted Scholastic, she was told that a correct copy of the book was not available, but I could choose something else, which I did. But I was left hanging in the middle of the story. I finally found the book in the library about a year later. (This seems very strange now in the age of Amazon when you can order almost any book in the world and have it within a few days on paper or within a minute on your Kindle.) Scholastic continues to have a huge influence on publishing. Among other things, it is the U.S. publisher of the Harry Potter books.
------------------------------------------------------------------Click here to Join Lisa M. Lilly's Readers Group and receive Ninevah, a short horror story published exclusively for subscribers, free. ------------------------------------------------------------------
As an adult, carnivals have lost most of their allure. The prizes look like dust catchers, and I know too many statistics about accidents on hastily put together rides for temporary events. And getting ice cream is not quite the novelty it once was. But I still am excited to go anywhere where I might find lots of new books. Which is why I'm so happy this year to be taking part in the fourth annual Chicago Book Expo for the first time. I will have a table there, and I hope to get a chance to walk around the fair as well. It promises to be full of Chicago area publishers and authors, and I can't wait to explore and discover books I might not have otherwise come across. The panels also look very interesting and include one on historical mysteries and another on the cutting edge of horror. (Of course, there are many “literary” panels as well, but I confess those don't interest me quite as much.)
The Expo is this Saturday, November 21, 2015, from 11 AM to 5 PM at Columbia College, 1104 S. Wabash, Chicago. (I'm also excited about seeing the building itself, as I attended Columbia before it expanded so much across Chicago.) The event is free. If you live in or near Chicago and love books as much as I do, it's a great way to spend a possibly snowy Saturday afternoon. If you do, please stop by my table on the 8th floor. I will have paperbacks from the Awakening series and free short stories and, more important, mini candy bars to hand out. Hope to see you there!
------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa M. Lilly is the author of the occult thrillers The Awakening and The Unbelievers, Books 1 and 2 in the Awakening series. A short film of the title story of her collection The Tower Formerly Known as Sears and Two Other Tales of Urban Horror was recently produced under the title Willis Tower. If you'd like to be notified of new releases and read reviews of M.O.S.T. (Mystery, Occult, Suspense, Thriller) books and movies, click here to join her email list and receive free a short horror story, Ninevah, published exclusively to M.O.S.T. subscribers.
November 11, 2015
The Workplace, Veterans, PTSD, & The Mockingjay
Over the last week, I rewatched the Hunger Games movies. (CAUTION: Some spoilers ahead.) In the beginning of Mockingjay Part One, hero Katniss Everdeen, survivor of two battles to the death, hides in a narrow corridor, rocking and whispering the few facts she remembers, desperate to reorient herself. The scene reminded me of a question a friend asked me after I saw the film at the theater. She hadn't seen it yet, but she'd heard other moviegoers say they did not like it as much as the previous two Hunger Games films because, in this installment, Katniss seemed weak.
Having just read an article on veterans and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, it occurred to me on rewatching Mockingjay Part One that Katniss suffers from PTSD. In her two times in the arena, Katniss sees people killed right in front of her, including a little girl she thought of as a younger sister, and she kills others to defend herself, Peeta, and her allies. She sets off an explosion that causes her to lose her hearing in one ear (though the hearing loss is omitted from the movies). These are all experiences that can cause PTSD, especially close proximity to explosions.
The symptoms of PTSD include many of those we see Katniss exhibit in Mockingjay Part One and, to a lesser extent, in Catching Fire. Flashbacks, disturbing dreams, severe emotional distress on being reminded of anything related to the trauma, negative feelings about self, overwhelming guilt (think of how angry and upset Katniss feels over being rescued from the arena while Peeta was not), trouble concentrating, angry outbursts, and feelings of hopelessness. Fellow survivor Finnick Odair, also shattered by the experience, tells Katniss with conviction that they'd be better off dead.
I admire Suzanne Collins for delving into the consequences of war. Both The Hunger Games and Catching Fire, the first two films, depict the pageantry of war. Young people are sent to fight battles with everyone knowing how many of them will die. (Further, those in lower income brackets are the most likely to "volunteer," as each time a family puts its child’s name in the reaping, it gets extra rations some need to survive.) Catching Fire and the third film, Mockingjay Part One, show the severe effects of combat on the survivors. These consequences are particularly striking seen against the propaganda both sides engage in during Mockingjay. While obviously Katniss Everdeen is a fictional character, that some audience members might see her as as weak when she exhibits those effects made me think about our culture’s views of strength, weakness, and emotional and mental challenges.
------------------------------------------------------------------Click here to join Lisa M. Lilly's M.O.S.T. (Mystery, Occult, Suspense, Thriller) Readers Group and receive Ninevah, a short horror story published exclusively for subscribers, free. ------------------------------------------------------------------
People who live with PTSD, depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues also face the challenge of how others see them. Despite greater awareness, many people still see emotional or mental illnesses as a form of weakness. I am a fan of many self-help guides and methods, and I use techniques I've learned regarding meditation, goal setting, and being aware of what questions I ask myself to feel my best and achieve as much as possible. But versions of these techniques and their related messages often trickle into popular culture in an oversimplified form. We are told that your life circumstances are those that you've created, as if we had complete control; that you get what you focus on; that the world returns to you what you put out into it; and that if you are struggling with anything from low earnings to depression to difficult relationships, it’s all your own doing. Further, improving anything is solely a matter of the adopting the correct mindset, evoking the right emotional state, or taking a more spiritual path. These advice soundbites can leave those facing challenges that can't be addressed through a change of individual mindset or habits alone feeling guilt and shame over not being able to "pull themselves together" or "get over it."
Reactions to Katniss are also, I suspect, grounded in cultural stereotyping of certain emotions as feminine or masculine. When Katniss cries uncontrollably and is distracted and depressed, President Coin of the rebellion sees her as weak. When she expresses anger, even against the President, she’s seen as a strong symbol for the rebellion. This is not so far off from norms for girls and boys, and women and men. Boys are socialized not to cry but are allowed to express anger while girls are taught that crying is acceptable, but showing anger is inappropriate. Because of this socialization, many women report that they cry when they're angry, making dealing with workplace disagreements particularly challenging. A man who raises his voice to a coworker in anger or slams a poorly written report by a subordinate down on the conference table never risks being seen as weak. A woman who cries in the same context will likely never be seen as a leader. She might not even be seen as competent.
I saw shades of this in my past life as a large law firm litigator. In a retreat for senior associates, a consultant advised that if a junior lawyer came to your office, started talking about a work problem, and began to cry, you should immediately leave to give her a chance to compose herself because the woman crying would be embarrassed and also needed to learn to manage her emotions better. Talking while calm is a good idea, but the idea of standing up and walking out on someone who starts to cry strikes me as awful in most circumstances. I did not hear any similar advice given about men who became angry, though women were cautioned against expressing anger too often or too strongly given the likelihood of being perceived as a bitch. Recently I read a woman blogger who said that her new plan is that every time a man shouts in the workplace, she's going to say, "I can't talk to you when you're so emotional. Please come see me when you compose yourself." If that starts happening, I will be more OK with the advice about walking away from a woman who cries. But the reality is still that expressing emotion through tears is seen as weak, while expressing anger, for men, is seen as empowering.
It’s a stretch to imagine that The Hunger Games books and movies can change that. But I love that in Katniss, we have an action hero who shows the real effects of what she's been through. Rather than being stoic, she cries and shouts, falls apart when confronted with certain scenarios, and eventually finds her way through--not by toughing it out, but through finding a sense of purpose and with the aid of medical help and friends. Perhaps her story will open the way for more heroes, real and fictional, of any gender, to express all types of emotion.
------------------------------------------------------------Lisa M. Lilly is the author of the occult thrillers The Awakening and The Unbelievers, Books 1 and 2 in the Awakening series. A short film of the title story of her collection The Tower Formerly Known as Sears and Two Other Tales of Urban Horror was recently produced under the title Willis Tower. If you'd like to be notified of new releases and read reviews of M.O.S.T. (Mystery, Occult, Suspense, Thriller) books and movies, click here to join her email list and receive free a short horror story, Ninevah, published exclusively to M.O.S.T. subscribers.
Having just read an article on veterans and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, it occurred to me on rewatching Mockingjay Part One that Katniss suffers from PTSD. In her two times in the arena, Katniss sees people killed right in front of her, including a little girl she thought of as a younger sister, and she kills others to defend herself, Peeta, and her allies. She sets off an explosion that causes her to lose her hearing in one ear (though the hearing loss is omitted from the movies). These are all experiences that can cause PTSD, especially close proximity to explosions.
The symptoms of PTSD include many of those we see Katniss exhibit in Mockingjay Part One and, to a lesser extent, in Catching Fire. Flashbacks, disturbing dreams, severe emotional distress on being reminded of anything related to the trauma, negative feelings about self, overwhelming guilt (think of how angry and upset Katniss feels over being rescued from the arena while Peeta was not), trouble concentrating, angry outbursts, and feelings of hopelessness. Fellow survivor Finnick Odair, also shattered by the experience, tells Katniss with conviction that they'd be better off dead.
I admire Suzanne Collins for delving into the consequences of war. Both The Hunger Games and Catching Fire, the first two films, depict the pageantry of war. Young people are sent to fight battles with everyone knowing how many of them will die. (Further, those in lower income brackets are the most likely to "volunteer," as each time a family puts its child’s name in the reaping, it gets extra rations some need to survive.) Catching Fire and the third film, Mockingjay Part One, show the severe effects of combat on the survivors. These consequences are particularly striking seen against the propaganda both sides engage in during Mockingjay. While obviously Katniss Everdeen is a fictional character, that some audience members might see her as as weak when she exhibits those effects made me think about our culture’s views of strength, weakness, and emotional and mental challenges.
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People who live with PTSD, depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues also face the challenge of how others see them. Despite greater awareness, many people still see emotional or mental illnesses as a form of weakness. I am a fan of many self-help guides and methods, and I use techniques I've learned regarding meditation, goal setting, and being aware of what questions I ask myself to feel my best and achieve as much as possible. But versions of these techniques and their related messages often trickle into popular culture in an oversimplified form. We are told that your life circumstances are those that you've created, as if we had complete control; that you get what you focus on; that the world returns to you what you put out into it; and that if you are struggling with anything from low earnings to depression to difficult relationships, it’s all your own doing. Further, improving anything is solely a matter of the adopting the correct mindset, evoking the right emotional state, or taking a more spiritual path. These advice soundbites can leave those facing challenges that can't be addressed through a change of individual mindset or habits alone feeling guilt and shame over not being able to "pull themselves together" or "get over it."
Reactions to Katniss are also, I suspect, grounded in cultural stereotyping of certain emotions as feminine or masculine. When Katniss cries uncontrollably and is distracted and depressed, President Coin of the rebellion sees her as weak. When she expresses anger, even against the President, she’s seen as a strong symbol for the rebellion. This is not so far off from norms for girls and boys, and women and men. Boys are socialized not to cry but are allowed to express anger while girls are taught that crying is acceptable, but showing anger is inappropriate. Because of this socialization, many women report that they cry when they're angry, making dealing with workplace disagreements particularly challenging. A man who raises his voice to a coworker in anger or slams a poorly written report by a subordinate down on the conference table never risks being seen as weak. A woman who cries in the same context will likely never be seen as a leader. She might not even be seen as competent.
I saw shades of this in my past life as a large law firm litigator. In a retreat for senior associates, a consultant advised that if a junior lawyer came to your office, started talking about a work problem, and began to cry, you should immediately leave to give her a chance to compose herself because the woman crying would be embarrassed and also needed to learn to manage her emotions better. Talking while calm is a good idea, but the idea of standing up and walking out on someone who starts to cry strikes me as awful in most circumstances. I did not hear any similar advice given about men who became angry, though women were cautioned against expressing anger too often or too strongly given the likelihood of being perceived as a bitch. Recently I read a woman blogger who said that her new plan is that every time a man shouts in the workplace, she's going to say, "I can't talk to you when you're so emotional. Please come see me when you compose yourself." If that starts happening, I will be more OK with the advice about walking away from a woman who cries. But the reality is still that expressing emotion through tears is seen as weak, while expressing anger, for men, is seen as empowering.
It’s a stretch to imagine that The Hunger Games books and movies can change that. But I love that in Katniss, we have an action hero who shows the real effects of what she's been through. Rather than being stoic, she cries and shouts, falls apart when confronted with certain scenarios, and eventually finds her way through--not by toughing it out, but through finding a sense of purpose and with the aid of medical help and friends. Perhaps her story will open the way for more heroes, real and fictional, of any gender, to express all types of emotion.
------------------------------------------------------------Lisa M. Lilly is the author of the occult thrillers The Awakening and The Unbelievers, Books 1 and 2 in the Awakening series. A short film of the title story of her collection The Tower Formerly Known as Sears and Two Other Tales of Urban Horror was recently produced under the title Willis Tower. If you'd like to be notified of new releases and read reviews of M.O.S.T. (Mystery, Occult, Suspense, Thriller) books and movies, click here to join her email list and receive free a short horror story, Ninevah, published exclusively to M.O.S.T. subscribers.
