Jeff Goins's Blog, page 72

That Thing You Didn’t Do (but Wished You Had)

You didn’t do it. You wanted to, you even thought about it, but you just didn’t take action. And now the regret comes. Did you miss your chance?

Photo Credit: YanivG via Compfight cc

January 1 has come and gone, and you may be wondering, as I am, if it’s silly to start now. Could you still make that resolution? Could you start a diet or set a goal to make some small step towards changing your life? Could you do that now, after all the fanfare and hype has died down?

Or is it too late?

The fear of missing out

We all fear missing out or being left behind. Often, I’m afraid of rejection, of looking uncool in front of my friends or those hipster kids at the coffee shop.

But notice what I just said there? We all are afraid of missing out. As in, all of us, the whole human race. In other words, we’re in this together. We have more similarites than differences, more to unite us than divide us. And that seems something worth celebrating.

The reality, of course, is that you will miss out on many things in life. We all will. The question is not, “will I miss out?” but rather, “how will I make what I do count?”

The answer to that question is to start. Not tomorrow or next year, but right now. Because it’s never too late — to begin writing your novel or lose 10 pounds. To launch a dream or rekindle a broken relationship.

The worst time to begin is tomorrow (tweet that). You’re ready now. You’re focused. It’s time. Why not start today?

What it takes

Now that you’re motivated, let’s talk goal-setting. Every goal needs three ingredients for success:

focus to follow through
practice to get good
people to encourage you through the process

Do you have those three ingredients? Where could you find them? (This might help.) If you’ve identified something you wanted to start but didn’t, here’s what you need to do next:

Pick one habit you want to master.
Set a weekly practice schedule.
Join a community to hold you accountable.

It only takes 21 days to form a habit. There’s still time. Start now and save the regrets for never.

Note: If you really want to make this year count for something, check out this live business training I’m doing with my friend Danny.

What’s something you still want to start this year? Share in the comments.

Why You Shouldn’t Bother with Resolutions This Year

Don’t waste your time with resolutions this new year. Instead, focus on something far better: resolve.

Photo credit: Windell Oskay (Creative Commons)

While the words are similar, the difference is significant: A resolution is something you make; resolve is something you have. Call it semantics, but I think the distinction is important.

This year, a lot of people will make resolutions and then immediately break them. Why? Because they’re not really resolving to do anything different. They’re just wishing.

Here’s the bottom line: Without a stronger resolve, you have no hope of accomplishing your resolutions.

In other words, you need to commit. To choose into an intentional process that will make you better. Not a set of audacious goals you’ll never meet.

Goal-setting, while admirable, is essentially pointless. Goals, in and of themselves, aren’t sustainable. They tell you where you want to go, not how you’re going to get there.

What you need are new habits, a new way of living that will bring different results.

It’s time to commit to being the type of person you’ve always dreamed of being. And that begins with creating new disciplines. Here are three important ones worth mastering, if you want to be better this year (at writing, making art, or anything else):

Set aside a time to practice. Be it early morning, during lunch, or late at night, it’s important to have a special time to spend with your craft. Although I at first hated it, I’ve now grown quite fond of my 5:00 am writing times. There’s something peaceful about the solitude of working while the rest of the world is asleep.
Show up. When I say I’m going to write, I often procrastinate and run out of time. I give excuses and justifications and end up creating nothing. I hate this. So I have refused to allow myself an “out” any longer. I must write every day, no matter what, even if for only 15 minutes. The crazy thing is this is where some of my best work comes from — concentrated blocks of forced productivity.
Give yourself grace. This goes hand-in-hand with the last one. A natural byproduct of discipline is dread. When you start showing up to do the work, you may grow fearful of the desk. I know I have struggled with this, feeling like my work is never good enough. At times like these, remember to be playful; have fun. Remind yourself why you go through the painful parts — because there is joy waiting for you at the finish line.

Sure, there are other strategies for setting and achieving your goals this year, but those three are enough to get you started. Most days, if you can remember to set aside time to practice, to actually show up and do the work, and to give yourself grace when you fall short, you are going to be just fine.

Note: If you resolved to become a better writer this year, why not join me and a group of other writers for the My 500 Words Challenge? There’s still time to join.

What about you? What habits are you trying to work on this new year? Share in the comments.

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Are you ready to embrace the "in-between" and experience all life has to offer? Check out my new book.

The Secret to Developing a Regular Writing Habit

This is the year you become a writer. And what do writers do? They write, of course.

Photo Credit: HaoJan via Compfight cc

There’s nothing mystical or magical about it. You just have to show up and do the work: place butt in chair, fingers on keys, and start typing.

And this, of course, is where most writers fail. They never actually write a word. They talk about writing, think about writing, even read about writing.

But they do not write.

How writing (really) happens

You told yourself last year was going to be different, that you were actually going to do NaNoWriMo this time. That you were going to work on that book or get back into blogging.

But none of that happened. Why? Because you attempted too much. You tried to eat the whole elephant in one bite. And that never works when it comes to writing.

Here’s what I know about writing: It happens in small bites. Step by step. One little chunk at a time.

You don’t write a whole book. You write sentences that turn into paragraphs. And paragraphs turn into sections that, then, turn into chapters.

In other words, it all begins with words.

You don’t control the outcome, just the process

I’m in the middle of writing my next book right now, and it’s scaring me to death. It feels so important, so audacious, that I’m locking up, completely paralyzed.

I don’t want to mess this up (it’s supposed to be the best thing I’ve written so far). And because of that fear I’m having trouble starting. So what do I do?

Do I try to write the whole thing in one sitting or keep fixating over the book concept? Do I continue obsessing over getting the table of contents just right or worry about what critics will think of this sentence or that paragraph?

No. I just get up and write my 500 words.

Turns out, that’s all writing really is — showing up. Not worrying about the outcome, just honoring the process. (You may tweet that.)

This is all writing really is: showing up. Not worrying about the outcome, just honoring the process. http://t.co/eSVkNnNlRf

— Jeff Goins (@JeffGoins) January 1, 2014

Join the 31-day challenge

500 words is short enough that you can usually find time to do it daily, and it’s long enough that if you stick to a schedule, you’ll have something substantial in no time.

It takes me anywhere from 30-60 minutes to write 500 words. And if I keep up with that pace, I’ve got a book in 90 days. That’s my plan for finishing my next book: 500 words per day, every day, until it’s done. And I want you to join me.

If you’ve ever wanted to develop a daily writing habit or need help getting back on the horse, then you’ll want to get in on this.

My 500 Words is a 31-day challenge designed to help you develop a daily writing habit and become a better writer.

For the next 31 days, we’ll be writing 500 words a day. These won’t be great words, but they will be written. We’re not trying to reach perfection; we’re just trying to get more ideas out of our heads and onto paper.

And if you want to be part of this, we can keep each other company.

The rules

Write 500 words per day, every day for 31 days during the month of January.
You can write more if you want, but 500 words is the minimum.
Don’t edit. Just write.
If you miss a day, pick up where you left off. Don’t make up for lost days.
Encourage, don’t criticize (unless explicitly invited to do so).
Blogging counts, but email does not.
All of this is totally free.

How it works

Leave a comment at the end of this post, saying you’re “in.”
Add your blog to the linkup on the My 500 Words Page, if you’re a blogger.
Write every day, and record your progress (I’ll be using Lift).
Join the Facebook group for extra accountability and encouragement. You can also follow along via Twitter with the hash tag #my500words.
Sign up for the free newsletter to get writing prompts and nudges sent to you via email.
At the end of January, we’ll regroup and evaluate, sharing what worked and what didn’t. I may even highlight a few success stories.

To find out more about My 500 Words and how to get started with this 31-day writing challenge, check out the My 500 Words page.

So… are you in? What will you be writing this month? Share in the comments.

You just finished reading The Secret to Developing a Regular Writing Habit! Consider leaving a comment!

Are you ready to embrace the "in-between" and experience all life has to offer? Check out my new book.

500 Words a Day: The Secret to Developing a Regular Writing Habit

This is the year you become a writer. And what do writers do? They write, of course.

Photo Credit: HaoJan via Compfight cc

There’s nothing mystical or magical about it — you just have to show up and commit to doing the work. Place butt in chair, fingers on keys, and start typing.

And this, of course, is where most writers fail. They never actually write a word. They talk about writing, think about writing, even read about writing.

But they do not write.

How writing (really) happens

You told yourself last year was going to be different, that you were actually going to do NaNoWriMo this time. That you were going to work on that book or get back into blogging.

But none of that happened. Why? Because you attempted too much. You tried to eat the whole elephant in one bite. And that never works when it comes to writing.

Here’s what I know about writing: It happens in small bites. Step by step. One little chunk at a time.

You don’t write a whole book. You write sentences that turn into paragraphs. And paragraphs turn into sections that, then, turn into chapters.

In other words, it all begins with words.

You don’t control the outcome, just the process

I’m in the middle of writing my next book right now, and it’s scaring me to death.

It feels so important, so audacious, that I’m locking up, completely paralyzed. I don’t want to mess this up (it’s supposed to be the best thing I’ve written so far), and because of that fear I’m having trouble starting. So what do I do?

Do I try to write the whole thing in one sitting or keep fixating over the book concept? Do I continue obsessing over getting the table of contents just right or worry about what critics will think of this sentence or that paragraph?

No. I just get up and write my 500 words.

Turns out, that’s all writing really is — showing up. Not worrying about the outcome, just honoring the process. (You may tweet that.)

This is all writing really is: showing up. Not worrying about the outcome, just honoring the process. http://t.co/eSVkNnNlRf

— Jeff Goins (@JeffGoins) January 1, 2014

Join the 31-day challenge

500 words is short enough that you can usually find time to do it daily, and it’s long enough that if you stick to a schedule, you’ll have something substantial in no time.

It takes me anywhere from 30-60 minutes to write 500 words. And if I keep up with that pace, I’ve got a book in 90 days. 

That’s my plan for finishing my next book: 500 words per day, every day, until it’s done. And I want you to join me.

If you’ve ever wanted to develop a daily writing habit or need help getting back on the horse, then you’ll want to get in on this.

My 500 Words is a 31-day challenge designed to help you develop a daily writing habit and become a better writer.

For the next 31 days, we’ll be writing 500 words a day. These won’t be great words, but they will be written. We’re not trying to reach perfection; we’re just trying to get more ideas out of our heads and onto paper.

And if you want to be part of this, we can keep each other company.

The rules

Write 500 words per day, every day for 31 days during the month of January.
You can write more if you want, but 500 words is the minimum.
Don’t edit. Just write.
If you miss a day, pick up where you left off. Don’t make up for lost days.
Encourage, don’t criticize (unless explicitly invited to do so).
Blogging counts, but email does not.
All of this is totally free.

How it works

Leave a comment at the end of this post, saying you’re “in.”
Add your blog to the linkup on the My 500 Words Page, if you’re a blogger.
Write every day, and record your progress (I’ll be using Lift).
Join the Facebook group for extra accountability and encouragement. You can also follow along via Twitter with the hash tag #my500words.
Sign up for the free newsletter to get writing prompts and nudges sent to you via email.
At the end of January, we’ll regroup and evaluate, sharing what worked and what didn’t. I may even highlight a few success stories.

To find out more about My 500 Words and how to get started with this 31-day writing challenge, check out the My 500 Words page.

So… are you in? What will you be writing this month? Share in the comments.

You just finished reading 500 Words a Day: The Secret to Developing a Regular Writing Habit! Consider leaving a comment!

Are you ready to embrace the "in-between" and experience all life has to offer? Check out my new book.

How to Get Ahead During the Holiday Season (Or Any Time of Year)

As I write this, much of the world is in slumber. It’s the holiday season, and many people are on vacation or taking the week off. Families are getting together to exchange gifts, eat food, and nap excessively.

Photo credit: Roger Barker (Creative Commons)

Some friends are taking a break from social media. Many bloggers are encouraging their readers to unplug: to rest, fast from the online world, and be present to those they love most. Which is great, but incomplete, advice.

Yes, be present. Be available. But don’t go on autopilot. This is the perfect time to get ahead — don’t waste it.

One way to get ahead

Have you ever seen the movie Iron Will? It’s an “underdog” story about a young man who enters a cross-country dogsled race to beat the odds and save his family.

Do you know what he does to succeed? He does what no one else will do.

Each night, the main character, Will, shaves an extra hour off his sleep schedule, until the last night when he doesn’t sleep at all. He is helped by a handful of guides, one of which gives him some important advice (which might be a mantra for our own lives):

You have to be strong. You have to learn focus, stamina, and balance. Only the smart ones will finish.

You have to run longer and sleep less… You’ll make friends who aren’t your friends, enemies who want to hurt you. Be careful who you trust.

You have one chance. You must run at night when the others have stopped. Run with the moon. Embrace the darkness.

Grow hard with the cold. Put pain from your mind. And on the last day… you alone will be friendly with the dark.

It’s not a pretty picture. Will’s body doesn’t cope well with the cold or lack of sleep. He gets sick, battles the elements, and encounters his fair share of obstacles. But he perseveres. And he wins.

How does he do it? When others are sleeping, he’s working.

This is how you win at life, how you break out of the constant feeling of being left behind: Work harder; show up more often; and eventually, you prevail. It’s not easy. It will require sacrifice. But it will also lead to victory.

What if you did this?

During a season when much of the world is going to sleep, what if you didn’t?

What if you tackled that manuscript? What if you got up early or stayed up late, not forever but just until the project was finished? What if you started something new, read a book for fun, or began working out?

This is the secret to beating the status quo: Don’t do what everyone else is doing. Do what you know you need to do, and do it well. And don’t think this only applies to the holidays.

Successful people aren’t successful because they’re like everyone else. They’re successful because they’re weird. Because they do what others are afraid or unwilling to do.

So be weird. Be you. And start working on what you’ve always wanted to do.

Don’t work harder…

Some people will read this and get the wrong idea. They’ll think I’m advocating for a workaholic lifestyle or antisocial behavior. Not at all.

What I am encouraging is you to live a life you won’t regret, one you can be proud of.

Many times, I’ve wasted energy on trivial things, squandered opportunities on distractions and comforts that didn’t add up to anything. And I’ve learned that the people who live important lives are the ones who understand sacrifice and commitment, who exchange comfort for meaning.

I want a life that looks more like that: one full of passion and purpose, a life that I don’t have to escape from.

Yes, I’ll still take vacation and time to rest, but I’ll also use opportunities to do important work. Which may mean getting up early to write, exercising instead of napping, or tackling that pile of books by my bedside instead of watching another hour of television.

This doesn’t stress me out; it invigorates me. It doesn’t steal my energy; it brings me life. And spending “down time” going deep with the things you love will do the same for you.

This isn’t for everyone

To be fair, this isn’t for everyone.

If you’ve been hustling all year and need a retreat from the world for a few days, by all means take it and recuperate. You may need to enjoy some much-needed rest in order to start the New Year refreshed.

If that’s you, you should unplug without one ounce of guilt. You deserve it.

But if you’re like many of us who have putting off important projects all year long — not drudgery, but tasks you’ve dreamed of doing and haven’t — then you really owe it to yourself to find a way to invest in those dreams. After all, they’re worth it, aren’t they?

Wouldn’t you rather exhaust yourself on the things that matter than end another year with a long list of things you wished you’d done?

How are you spending this time of year? Share in the comments.

You just finished reading How to Get Ahead During the Holiday Season (Or Any Time of Year)! Consider leaving a comment!

Are you ready to embrace the "in-between" and experience all life has to offer? Check out my new book.

How to Get Ahead During the Holiday Season (Or Anytime of Year)

As I write this, much of the world is in slumber. It’s the holiday season, and many are on vacation or taking the week off. Families are getting together to exchange gifts, eat food, and nap excessively.

A lot of my friends are taking a break from social media. Many bloggers are encouraging their readers to unplug: to rest, fast from the online world, and be present to those they love most.

Which is great, but incomplete, advice. Yes, be present. Be available. But don’t go on autopilot. This is the perfect time to get ahead. Don’t waste it.

Photo credit: Roger Barker (Creative Commons)

One way to get ahead

Have you ever seen the movie Iron Will? It’s your typical “underdog” story about a young man who enters a cross-country dogsled race to beat the odds and save his family.

Do you know what he does to succeed? It’s simple: He does what nobody else will do.

Each night, the main character, Will, shaves an extra hour off his sleep schedule, until the last night when he doesn’t sleep at all. He is helped by a handful of guides, who give him some important advice (which might as well be a mantra for our lives):

You have to be strong. You have to learn focus, stamina, and balance. Only the smart ones will finish.

You have to run longer and sleep less… You’ll make friends who aren’t your friends, enemies who want to hurt you. Be careful who you trust.

You have one chance. You must run at night when the others have stopped. Run with the moon. Embrace the darkness.

Grow hard with the cold. Put pain from your mind. And on the last day… you alone will be friendly with the dark.

It’s not a pretty picture. Will’s body doesn’t cope well with the cold or lack of sleep. He gets sick, battles the elements, and encounters his fair share of obstacles. But he perseveres. And he wins.

How does he do it? When others are sleeping, he is working.

This is how you win at life, how you break out of the constant feeling of being left behind. Work harder; show up more often; and eventually, you prevail. It’s not easy. It will require sacrifice. But it will also bring results.

What if you did this?

During a season when much of the world is going to sleep, what if you didn’t?

What if you tackled that manuscript? What if you got up early or stayed up late — not forever, but just until the project was finished? What if you started something new, read a book for fun, or began working out? It doesn’t just have to be during the holidays. It can be any time.

This is the secret to beating the status quo: Don’t do what everyone else is doing. Do what you know you need to do. And do it well.

Successful people aren’t successful because they’re like everyone else. They’re successful because they’re weird. Because they do what others are afraid to do.

So be weird. Be you.

This isn’t for everyone

Some people will read this and get the wrong idea. They’ll think I’m advocating for a workaholic lifestyle or antisocial behavior. Not at all.

What I am encouraging is you to live a life you won’t regret — one you can be proud of.

So many times, I’ve wasted energy on things that don’t matter. I’ve squandered opportunities with distractions and comforts that didn’t add up to much.

And I’ve learned that the people who live important, meaningful lives are those who understand sacrifice and commitment.

I’m compelled to try to be different, to pursue my passion and create a life I don’t have to escape from. Yes, I’ll still take days off and enjoy myself, but I’ll also use little windows of time to do stuff that matters. Which may mean working on my book, going for a run, or tackling my reading list.

Doing this doesn’t stress me out; it invigorates me. It doesn’t suck my energy; it brings me life. And if you have a passion, spending “down time” going deep with what you love will bring you life, too.

To be fair, this isn’t for everyone. If you’ve been hustling all year and need a welcome respite, by all means take it. You may need to enjoy some much-needed rest in order to start the New Year refreshed. If so, you should do that without one ounce of guilt.

But for those who have projects you could work on — not drudgery, but stuff you’ve dreamed of doing all year long and haven’t — I hope you find a way to invest in those things. They’re worth it, after all… aren’t they?

How are you spending this time of year? Share in the comments.

You just finished reading How to Get Ahead During the Holiday Season (Or Anytime of Year)! Consider leaving a comment!

Are you ready to embrace the "in-between" and experience all life has to offer? Check out my new book.

The Best Way to Overcome Those Post-Christmas Blues

This is a difficult season, the week after Christmas. It’s a mini-season of limbo, an awkward in-between time, and people have different ways of dealing with it.

Photo credit: Anthony Kelly (Creative Commons)

Some are still running on fumes from the emotional high that opening presents and seeing family brought. They may even try to extend the holiday an extra week, with varying degrees of success.

Others feel guilty for over-indulging in holiday sweets and are on a weeklong shame fest. They are already starting to make those New Year’s resolutions.

Even others are dealing with the disappointment of another year gone by, another December 25 come and gone, and a lingering feeling of emptiness after the last gift is unwrapped.

For years, I felt this way about Christmas, and to an extent, still sometimes do.

There is so much hype and expectation, building up to a single day. How does it live up to its potential? And what do we do the days after Christmas, when for many of us, a good old-fashioned case of the blues settles in?

Write about it

Capture your thoughts — yes, even your angst-ridden, Scroogey thoughts — and share them. Do it honestly and unapologetically.

If you feel something deep and dark, maybe even cynical, write about it. Use a notebook or laptop, and let yourself process the feelings without restraint.

In other words, grieve.

Did you have an amazing Christmas and you’re sad to see it go? Write about it. Did everyone get into a fight and yell at each other? Write about that, too.

Did you end the day, cynical and frustrated, not believing in the so-called “magic” of Christmas? Yes, write even about that.

And as you write, let go

As the memories and frustrations wash over you, let the feelings slip away. Honor them as they come. But don’t dwell on them. Be present to your emotions. And then, let them fade.

This is what grieving is for: not hanging on, but letting go.

Maybe you need to write a lament, like I did. This is a sort of anti-Christmas carol. Instead of singing of the joys of the coming holiday, mourn its passing — whether you loved it or hated it.

Have a funeral for this day of wonder and awe. Because it’s gone. And it won’t be coming back. You will never get this Christmas back.

So shed a tear or sing a “hallelujah.” Do whatever you need to do to let it go. There are 364 other days that need your attention; don’t dwell in the past or on the future. Focus on where you are right now.

Writing (or any creative act) can help you with this.

Ways to work through the blues

If you get stuck, here are some ideas:

Write a poem about the feelings you felt right after opening presents. Disappointment? Anger? Release? Capture them in words.
Write a complaint letter to Santa Claus about your disillusionment. What really miffs you about this holiday? Tell the old fat man “how it is.”
Write a blog post, describing Christmas day, without all the fluffy exaggerations. Be honest. If you didn’t like a gift, say so. Write what we’re all thinking.
If you’re so inclined, write a sad song and sing it aloud — for yourself or others to hear.
Pray a prayer that allows you to grieve the passing of the day, while still honoring its importance.
Paint a picture, listen to music, or do some woodworking. Just create something. Anything.

This is how we work through disappoint and overcome tragedy. We grieve. We process. We pay attention to what we’re feeling, so that we can move on. We own our feelings, so they don’t own us.

This is healthy. This is right. This is necessary.

Be brave today (and the days following Christmas); learn to grieve and let go. There is a wonderful lesson about life and loss to be learned here. If you will be present. If you will press in, mourn, and move on.

Or you can just go shopping and watch TV — it’s your call.

How do you overcome the post-Christmas blues? If you do write something, feel free to share it in the comments (here’s mine).

You just finished reading The Best Way to Overcome Those Post-Christmas Blues! Consider leaving a comment!

Are you ready to embrace the "in-between" and experience all life has to offer? Check out my new book.

The Day After Christmas: A Lament

The day after Christmas is cold. Bitterly cold. And unseasonably cruel. It haunts you like an apparition that never comes.

It teases: Next year will be better. 

It lies: If you had only gotten what you wanted.

The crumpled paper and candy wrappers litter the floor like confetti. The living room looks like a circus. If you’re honest, it kind of was.

By mid-day, the house is clean and empty. Sterile, even. The tree, though still up, lacks its luster. Family has long since gone home, and we are left only with our trinkets.

The loneliness sets in.

The mixed emotions collide and cloud our vision. Was it the best day of the year, or the worst? Did we find the true spirit of Christmas and recapture child-like wonder? Or did we lose another piece of our innocence to the cynicism of adulthood?

We think back to the day that now seems so far away, so unapproachable. We sang, we danced, but still wished for more. We feasted and napped, but found no rest.

We waited and waited. And still, we waited more. For Christmas morning — when a child comes into the world and we become children again. But when it came in all its glory, it still felt like we were waiting.

Maybe we were.

Was this how the shepherds felt, after the angel songs ceased and they returned to their flocks? Was this the same let-down the magi experienced, when they began the long trek home and Mary and Joseph fled to Egypt?

Did they wonder, like I do: Was this it? All we had been waiting for? A baby in a manger? A gift card and a food hangover?

Every glory fades, and every coming goes.

There are no words to honor this, only tears. And maybe the hope that there is still more waiting to do.

What does the day after Christmas look like for you? Share in the comments.

You just finished reading The Day After Christmas: A Lament! Consider leaving a comment!

Are you ready to embrace the "in-between" and experience all life has to offer? Check out my new book.

What We Can Learn from Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve. The perfect picture of anticipation: sleepless excitement for something we’ve been waiting all year for.

Photo Credit: Pirata Larios via Compfight cc

Every year on December 24, my parents let us open a present. This was a teaser, a taste of things to come, and we kids relished it.

Of course, it wasn’t much of a surprise — my mom almost always got us new pajamas, even when we didn’t need them. But still, it was a ritual of hope, one in which we celebrated the gift of giving, the joy of gratitude.

Christmas morning: an unfortunate picture of disappointment.

I am obviously only one person with his own set of experiences, but as I talk to others, I find similar feelings of frustration. As they get older, many people seem to develop a general distrust toward any day that promises to fill the emptiness they’ve felt all year long.

This explains the rise in suicides during this season and why, for some, Christmas is a reminder of the inevitable letdown of life.

The unfortunate answer to the question, “Did you get everything you wanted?” is, of course, no. And we feel terrible about this.

Why can’t we be happy? Why can’t we be satisfied? Will we ever be content with what we have — with the gifts in our stockings, the toys under the tree? Why this constant thirst for more?

Maybe the answer lies in the night before the big day.

Enter Epiphany…

When I was studying abroad in Spain my junior year of college, my host mom Loli told me Christmas Day is important in her culture but not celebrated the same way as in the U. S.

The more she told me, the more I wondered if there was some hidden wisdom in how the Spaniards celebrated Christmas.

She said her family gets together on December 24, La Nochebuena (“The Good Night”), and has a church service, sometimes followed by a gift exchange.

The day, though, isn’t about gift-giving; it’s about celebration and commemoration, feasting and family. It’s not about “me” — it’s about “we,” about being together, not getting things from each other.

This was a revelation to me, that an entire culture could avoid the pressure placed on a day typically about consumption and refocus it on slowing down. Instead of spiraling into credit card debt and frantically rushing around to pick up last-minute gifts, they simply enjoy the time they have together.

Wow.

Of course, that’s not to say the Spanish don’t give gifts; they do. On January 6, they — and many others around the world — celebrate Epiphany, a holiday I heard nothing about while growing up in the Midwest United States.

This is the Day of the Magi, when the wise men traditionally brought gifts of frankincense, gold, and myrrh to baby Jesus. For many cultures around the world, this is when the gifts come.

So what are they doing for those two weeks in between Christmas and Epiphany? Waiting, of course.

Although we had several Bibles in the house while growing up, I didn’t often open one, except around Christmas. Every December, I’d peel back the leather cover of my dad’s Bible and read the story of Jesus’ birth.

I’m not sure what drew me to it. I just knew there was something important in those pages that I was missing on TV and in the holiday movies I was seeing.

And although I read the same story every year, I somehow missed the distinction between Christmas and Epiphany, the time in between the birth of Christ and the arrival of the magi.

Some cultures build this wait time in to their celebration of Christmas. It seems to make the holiday, and the anticipation leading up to it, that much more significant.

Such a tradition reminds us that every arrival is not an event, but a process.

And I tend to forget that.

Christmas is about waiting, not arriving

What does this talk of Christmas and gifts and magi have to do with you and me and how we spend our everyday lives?

I’m an adult now, and the glory of what December 25 once held has now faded. I no longer sit at the bottom of the basement stairs in the morning, awaiting the arrival of seven o’clock, my parents shouting down to tell me I can come up and see what Santa brought.

But even now, I’m living in anticipation of things to come — not just in winter, but all seasons.

After years of learning important lessons about life, I now realize that the magic of Christmas was never about the day. It was always about the waiting.

Life is full of good things we haven’t yet experienced: finding a spouse, having that first child, taking the long-awaited vacation after years of hard work. Retiring. Graduating. Becoming who we always wanted to be.

However, if we’re not careful, we can rush through the process of living on our way to the next big arrival. We can waste hours and days and years looking at our watches, eager for the following appointment.

Our journey is full of rest stops — park benches and airport terminals — that signal the arrival of things we anticipate. Sometimes, they’re worth the wait; other times, the glory doesn’t shine quite like we’d hoped. Regardless, we need to learn to live in this tension, to appreciate what we have and still hope for.

This process isn’t easy; we all know that. But it’s part of being human and what connects us to each other.

What’re we waiting for?

We are all waiting for something. And in the wait, there is a necessary tension, even frustration, that doesn’t fully resolve.

This doesn’t mean some things aren’t worth waiting for. It just means we don’t always get what we want, and rarely does it come all at once.

Believe it or not, this is a good thing. Just like the delayed gratification between Christmas and Epiphany, we need to understand that the wait sometimes is essential to appreciate the gifts that come, no matter how much we hate the process.

So through the angst and anticipation, in our longing to have and be more, we need to learn:

to enjoy this place,
to slow down and be present, and
to give thanks for it all.

Maybe the lights on Christmas morning won’t shine as bright as you expected, but that’s because December 25 was never supposed to be the finale. It was always just the beginning. One more, albeit significant, day in the process of all things becoming new.

And what better day to remember that we are not done, that the story is still left a little incomplete, and there is work yet to be done? What better day than Christmas?

So tonight or tomorrow or whenever you might read this, I hope you remember Epiphany. Wherever you are in the process of becoming, I pray you pay attention to the undone-ness of life, the lack of resolution that often accompanies this season.

And I implore you to appreciate that with every arrival comes a lack of resolution, one that keeps you waiting, keeps you longing, and truly keeps you living.

This was an adapted excerpt from my recently-released book, The In-Between. To find out more and to download the first three chapters for free, go check out the book site.

What lessons do you learn from Christmas Eve? Share in the comments.

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Rediscovering the True Spirit of Christmas

For years, I never understood Christmas. Admittedly, I was a bit of a Scrooge. It just seemed like the whole thing was a farce.

Photo credit: Steve Johnson (Creative Commons)

Every made-for-TV movie I watched between Thanksgiving and New Year’s preached the same gospel: “It’s not about presents.” But then, every Christmas morning, I was inundated with presents.

It didn’t make sense. Someone was lying.

Everything you want?

My parents, and probably yours, would conclude every December 25th with the same nervous question:

So… did you get everything you wanted?

Are you kidding me? Everything I wanted? Is this what we want to teach our children about life? That you can get everything you want?

I remember being a kid. I never got everything I wanted (thank God.) My parents had the best of intentions at heart. Most do. But this is telling of our culture.

Maybe it’s America. Maybe it’s humanity at its most broken. But I shudder to think of the implications of that phrase: everything you want.

Over the years, I’ve grown cynical of Christmas. I’ve run out of good gift ideas, gotten fed up with the shopping mall feeding frenzy, and been downright been pissed-off at ungrateful people.

It’s made me want to write off the whole ridiculous holiday (told you I was a Scrooge). Fortunately, there’s another story to tell.

Rethinking the point of Christmas

When Mary finds out she’s pregnant with the Jesus, she sings a song — a pretty interesting one:

He has brought down rulers from their thrones

but has lifted up the humble.

He has filled the hungry with good things

but has sent the rich away empty.

He has helped his servant Israel,

remembering to be merciful

to Abraham and his descendants forever,

even as he said to our fathers.

—Luke 1:52-55

When I first read this, I swear I heard Santa Claus drop dead of a heart attack.

“He has sent the rich away empty…”

Does that sound like everything you wanted? Not quite.

God loves the poor. He is among them. And if we are going to celebrate the birth of his Son with any sense of conscience, we must be with them, too.

A few years ago, I spent the month of December hanging out with a community of homeless men and women who lived under a bridge in downtown Nashville.

My friend Paul and I brought them candy canes, shoes, and coats. Sure, we gave them gifts; but they gave us a gift we could never repay. They opened our eyes to the spirit of Christmas.

As it turns out, it’s not about holiday specials and sugar cookies or about getting everything you ever wanted. Through the dirty and downtrodden and nearly-forgotten, I learned what December 25 is really about.

Compassion.

Christmas belongs to the poor

I caught an old rerun of Frasier the other night. It was a Christmas episode. On the show, Frasier meets a homeless man who tells him, rather pointedly, what Christmas is all about:

The rest of the year belongs to rich people with their fancy houses and expensive foreign cars, but Christmas, Christmas belongs to guys like us.

Frasier forgets his wallet and can’t cover the cost of his meal. The homeless man and his friends cover it. This is the great irony and paradox of Christmas, of learning to live compassionately. We don’t give to the poor; they give to us.

One Sunday afternoon in 2007, I drove a car full of Christmas presents to a small rented house in south Nashville. In that home, a family of three lived — without a phone, sometimes without heat, and seemingly without hope.

A week before, this family didn’t think they were going to be able to have Christmas at all that year. But there was another story to be told. A church group of about 30 people banded together to buy gifts, food, toys, and more for this family.

The best Christmas gift I received that year — maybe ever — was the look on the two children’s faces as I pulled up in my Buick, the back seat and trunk full of presents from perfect strangers.

“How could this be?” they marveled. They were told Santa wasn’t coming this year. This had to be magic — and indeed, it was.

After a long hiatus, I believed in Christmas again.

Christmas belongs to the poor — let’s not forget that. We should be raising our glasses to them, to the outcast and the hungry, the handicapped and oppressed.

Maybe if we’re lucky, they’ll let us in on the true spirit of the season.

A radical way to do some holiday shopping

This year, my wife and I are doing something different for Christmas.

No, we won’t be celebrating it on the streets (unless the opportunity presents itself). However, we will be finding a way to connect with those in need.

We’re buying gifts. But not just any kind of gifts. The kind that make a difference.

We do this every year. It helps make the meaning of the holiday a little more tangible for us, when it’s easy to get lost in the hustle-and-bustle of the holidays.

If you’re looking for a way to give back and need some help identifying a great cause, I encourage you to check out World Vision’s Gift Catalog. It’s one of the best ways I know to reconnect with the true spirit of Christmas.

There’s just something about celebrating Christmas without the poor that feels disingenuous.

May we connect with the story of a boy born in a manger and find Christmas where it belongs — in humble places, like barns and dumps and alleys. This is where we find the true spirit of the holiday … if we’re willing to really look.

And may he lead us, as he promised, out of our own prisons and into the life we were meant to live.

How do you get in touch with the true spirit of Christmas? Share in the comments.

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Are you ready to embrace the "in-between" and experience all life has to offer? Check out my new book.