Jeff Goins's Blog, page 56

048: How to Write a Book in Five Drafts [Podcast]

We all want to write a book. We’ve got an idea or maybe just a dream, but we’re not sure where to go with it or what to do next. How do you know when it’s time to write that book and, more importantly, how do you write the book?

That’s a question I get asked on a daily basis. So in this episode of The Portfolio Life, Andy and I break down the seemingly complicate process of writing a book into five simple, but not necessarily easy, drafts. I hope you like it.

Listen to the podcast

To listen to the show, click the player below. (If you’re reading this via email, click here).

You can also listen at iTunes or on Stitcher.

The five-draft method (how I write books)

People often ask me how I write a book or how long it takes. For me, writing a book takes about five different drafts.

Each draft has a unique goal in the overall process of creating a finished product you can be proud of. You can think of each of these drafts as a step to follow in taking a rough idea to a published work.

1. The Junk Draft

Essentially, in the junk draft you’re throwing up on the page. It’s going to stink. It’s going to be ugly. Your goal here is to get black on white and come up with about 75 percent of your content on to the page.

2. The Structure Draft

By this point you’ve got content in a rough format that’s poorly organized. The question you have to ask yourself is “Is this actually an idea good enough to be worth publishing or do I have to scrap this and start over?”

At this point in writing my latest book The Art of Work, I drastically changed the content to turn it into a book I think is worth reading.

3. The First Draft

Now you have an actual manuscript. You know the structure works but it’s not a well-edited work so you review the whole thing and make sure it makes sense.

4. The Surgery Draft

The Surgery Draft is exactly what it sounds like: cutting, slicing, and dicing content. You’re now ready to ask friends, editors, and members of your target audience into the process for their honest feedback. It hurts but you have to realize these early readers are trying to help you.

5. The Last Draft

Leonardo DaVinci once said,

Art is never finished; it is only abandoned.

This is where you abandon your book by letting it go, releasing it out into the world. You’ve spent a lot of time working on it, editing line-by-line, and making your book the best it can be but it will never be perfect. At some point you have to let go.

Let your book be great enough, be proud of it, and realize your next one will be that much better because of what you learned in writing this first one.

Resources

For more details on each of the drafts, check out the blog I wrote on the book-writing process.

And this week only, if you buy my new book The Art of Work from any retailer and email me your receipt, you’ll receive the audiobook for free, plus $250 in bonuses.

Submit your receipt.

What are you going to write your next book about? Share in the comments.

The Art of Work Is Here (or, Why Book Launches Are Sometimes Selfish)

“What everyone does wrong with book launches is it’s such a selfish moment,”a friend told me yesterday when I asked for some book launch advice. Then he continued, “And it has to be.”

The words stung, because immediately I knew they were true.

As you know, my book The Art of Work launches today. If you’ve been waiting for it, you can now buy it on Amazon and get the audiobook for free, plus $250 in bonuses. But after so much effort expended on telling you to pre-order the book, it seems silly to spend one more blog post telling you to buy it.

Instead, I’d like to do something different. I’d like to thank all the people who made this, and everything I do, possible.

We all need community

There are three groups you need if you ever want to launch anything:

A family. My wife has been incredibly supportive throughout this whole process, cheering me on with each obsessive check of the Amazon rank. And my almost-three-year-old has been quick to remind me that no matter how busy you are, there’s always time for a lightsaber duel.
A team. I couldn’t have pulled this off on my own. My team, which consists of a wonderful assistant, bedazzled customer service rep, and incredible project manager, have helped me not lose my mind. Our book launch team members have been early adopters and constant encouragers. And my partners have helped the book reach brand-new audiences.
An audience. It doesn’t escape me that the books I write, the stuff I create, and how I make a living is all made possible by people like you who have given me the gift of attention. I try to not take that lightly.

In The Art of Work, I wrote that every story of success is really a story of community, but now I feel like I’ve lived it. The lessons I’ve learned both in writing and launching this book are:

We all need people to remind us we are not doomed by our greatest failure or defined by our greatest success.
You can only accomplish so much on your own. A race is no fun if you don’t have anyone to meet you at the finish line.
In any undertaking, the work you do is only as significant as the people it impacts. And if you’re creating for your own amusement, the enjoyment you get doesn’t come close to the satisfaction of making something and seeing it connect with another human being.

For me, there’s something healthy about remembering that wherever I am in life, I did not get here alone. So today, we celebrate.

To everyone who pre-ordered the book and made it a success (it’s currently a best-seller on Amazon), this is your day. To those who believed in the message and helped it spread, my hat is off to you. And to the amazing people whose stories are featured in the book, I am forever grateful.

Let’s celebrate together

As part of the celebration, I want to invite you to the following festivities this week:

When you get a copy of the book, snap a picture of you with it and upload it to Instagram. Tag me @JeffGoins and use the hashtag #artofworkbook. We’ll randomly be giving away prizes to those who participate. If you want bonus points, write out a quote from the book and share it as an image (like this). Every day, we’ll pick a winner.
Order a copy of the book (paperback or eBook) through any retailer and submit your receipt at the book site, and you’ll get a free copy of the audiobook plus $250 in other launch bonuses. This launch week exclusive expires at 11:59 p.m. on Saturday, Mar. 28, 2015.
Register for my online book launch party , where I’ll be sharing more about the book, answering any questions you have, and sharing what it takes to find your calling.

If you haven’t bought the book and joined our community of dreamers yet (you get instant access to a private group when you order the book), you can pick up a copy of The Art of Work at:

Amazon
Barnes & Noble
iTunes

And lots of other places. See what extra bonuses you can get when you order the book this week here.

What it all comes down to

So, are book launches selfish? They certainly can be. But do they have to be? “I think…” my friend continued at the end of our conversation, “love on people. Just show them the love.”

Maybe, as simple as it sounds, that’s the answer. How do we catch ourselves in the midst of our own ambition when we’re running too hard or too fast in a certain direction? Just love. Yes, I launched a book today. And if you buy it, that’s awesome.

But I want to make one thing clear: none of this would have happened without you. I don’t always know if I’m doing everything right or feel like I’ve got it all figured out. But when I’m surround myself with people who love me and remember to love them back, things tend to work out.

There is no better cure for selfishness and no better way to live your life — or, for that matter, launch a book — than to share it with others. Thanks for letting me do that.

Of course, I’d love your support with the book launch this week. But I couldn’t pass up a chance to express my gratitude. This day belongs to you as much as it does to me… maybe more.

Claim Your Launch Week Bonuses
See The Art of Work Bulk Deals

What do you think? Share in the comments something you started that initially felt selfish but eventually became much bigger than you.

The Story I Didn’t Tell about My Free Book Offer

Note: This offer is now over. You can order the book at your favorite bookseller and get exclusive bonuses at the book site. Find out more here.

You may have heard me mention I have a new book coming out. And you probably heard I’m giving that book away for a limited time. But I left something out.

I’ve never been happy with the way my previous books have sold, so I wanted to do something big this time. It was important for me to do everything I could to get the book into as many people’s hands as possible.

That’s where the free book offer came from. I believe this book has the potential to change lives, and this was an experiment to see how far a message could spread.

As a result, thousands pre-ordered the book, already outselling my previous book. It seriously exceeded my expectations.

What the book is about

This is a book that will help you answer the question, “What should I do with my life?” It’s something I struggled with for years before finally discovering what I was meant to do. But once I understood the process, everything became more clear.

Most people will say you just need a plan, but I think we need more than that. On the quest towards meaningful work, we need a proven path. We need to walk in the footsteps of those who have come before us and left a legacy worth remembering.

The Art of Work is that path.

In the book, I share seven stages of finding your calling, each helping you make the most of your situation, understand where you are in the process, and know how to take the next step.

What people are saying

Early readers have told me how this path has already helped them. Here’s what they’re saying:

“Jeff’s writing has forever changed my outlook on chasing my dreams.” —Jennifer
“I didn’t want [the book] to end.” —Bryan
“If you’re feeling stuck in life, read this.” —Brandi
“Jeff’s encouragement to ‘just take the next step’ is a roadmap that will have you going from overwhelmed to accomplished.” —Kimi

I had one friend tell me he ordered the book and said, “It better deliver, Goins.” So far, people seem to be telling me it is.

How to get the book

Order The Art of Work today, and you’ll get a copy of the book, plus $250 in bonuses, including a four-part video course, downloadable workbook, and access to an exclusive community.

And to all those who have already supported this crazy experiment by ordering a book, thank you. You’re welcome to grab another one for a friend, if you’d like. Regardless, I’m grateful.

Click Here to Order the Book Now

(Already ordered the book? Would love your help in getting the word out. Click here to donate a tweet or Facebook share to spread the news.)

What’s one problem you’re hoping The Art of Work helps you solve? Share in the comments.

Last Chance to Get My New Book for Free (and the Story I Didn’t Tell You)

You may have heard me mention I have a new book coming out. And you probably heard I’m giving that book away for a limited time. But I left something out.

I’ve never been happy with the way my previous books have sold, so I wanted to do something big this time. It was important for me to do everything I could to get the book into as many people’s hands as possible.

That’s where the free book offer came from. I believe this book has the potential to change lives, and this was an experiment to see how far a message could spread. As a result, thousands have pre-ordered the book, already outselling my previous book. It’s seriously exceeded my expectations. 

But this isn’t over yet.

Today is the last day to get The Art of Work for free. That’s right. If you live in the U.S. or Canada and order today, I’ll give you a copy of my new book. You just have to pay shipping and handling. (If you live elsewhere, you can order the book from a local retailer and submit your receipt here to claim five exclusive bonuses.)

What the book is about

This is a book that will help you answer the question, “What should I do with my life?” It’s something I struggled with for years before finally discovering what I was meant to do. But once I understood the process, everything became more clear.

Most people will say you just need a plan, but I think we need more than that. On the quest towards meaningful work, we need a proven path. We need to walk in the footsteps of those who have come before us and left a legacy worth remembering.

The Art of Work is that path.

In the book, I share seven stages of finding your calling, each helping you make the most of your situation, understand where you are in the process, and know how to take the next step.

What people are saying

Early readers have told me how this path has already helped them. Here’s what they’re saying:

“Jeff’s writing has forever changed my outlook on chasing my dreams.” —Jennifer
“I didn’t want [the book] to end.” —Bryan
“If you’re feeling stuck in life, read this.” —Brandi
“Jeff’s encouragement to ‘just take the next step’ is a roadmap that will have you going from overwhelmed to accomplished.” —Kimi

I had one friend tell me he ordered the book and said, “It better deliver, Goins.” So far, people seem to be telling me it is.

How to get your free book

Tomorrow, the book launches, and you can buy it at full price from any bookseller. But through the end of the day today, you can grab it for a fraction of the cost.

Order The Art of Work today, and you’ll get a practically free copy of the book, plus $250 in bonuses, including a four-part video course, downloadable workbook, and access to an exclusive community.

And to all those who have already supported this crazy experiment by ordering a book, thank you. You’re welcome to grab another one for a friend, if you’d like. Regardless, I’m grateful. If you want to grab a copy before this offer ends (at 11:59 p.m. Mar. 23, 2015), click the link below.

Click Here to Order the Book Now

(Already ordered the book? Would love your help in getting the word out. Click here to donate a tweet or Facebook share to spread the news.)

What’s one problem you’re hoping The Art of Work helps you solve? Share in the comments.

Before You Decide What You Want to Do with Your Life, Do This First

Note: This is an adapted excerpt from my upcoming book, The Art of Work , which you can pre-order today and get $250 in bonuses.

Many people wander through life, unaware of their purpose, blindly following the whims of the world.

Photo Credit: jjay69 via Compfight cc

To them, those who reach their potential seem to possess an extraordinary gift. But what if pursuing your calling wasn’t a luxury reserved for the elite? What if it was needed to live life, fully alive? Where would you start?

Listen to your life. That’s Frederick Buechner’s advice. An author who spent part of his life as a schoolteacher and another part as a minister, he observed that finding your vocation is less about grand moments of discovery and more about a habit of awareness. In his memoir Now and Then, he wrote:

See it for the fathomless mystery it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments…

What Buechner was saying is that knowing what you’re meant to do doesn’t just happen. It’s an awareness that has to be cultivated. In other words, you don’t just know. It takes time and practice to figure out your calling.

Why we don’t listen

In a world full of distractions, this is what we are inclined not to do. We would rather sign up for a seminar or attend a conference to instruct us. Take this step. Follow that program. Adhere to these six principles. 

But such experiences are poor substitutes for the “fathomless mystery” of life, as Buechner put it.

We have been raised to believe that anything is possible, that our potential is unlimited, and that we are entitled to our dreams. But finding your calling is not so simple. Just because you can become an astronaut or a newspaper deliveryman does not mean you should.

Each person is responsible to not only do what she is capable of but also what she is meant to do. To paraphrase Parker Palmer: Don’t just tell your life what you want to do with it; listen to what it wants to do with you. [Tweet]

Listening to your life 101

Here’s how it works:

Identify major events in your life and write them down.
Note every significant detail, even the things that seem silly or irrelevant but come to mind anyway.
Look for a common thread or recurring theme.

Don’t try to decode the meaning. Just put down everything you can think of.

Can you see how one event, without any intention or planning on your part, influenced another? How that late-night trip to the diner led to meeting the love of your life? How a series of useless internships influenced your career choice?

When I went through this exercise years ago, a few memories emerged:

I thought of when I won the sixth grade spelling bee, beating my eight grade opponent with the winning word, acquiescence.
I thought about how my mom used to read the dictionary to me on family vacations.
I thought of how I always loved to write.

It was this exercise, a simple process of identifying the core themes of my life, that helped me learn that I was supposed to be a writer. Maybe it’ll help you figure out what you’re supposed to do, too.

Applying this process to your life

When you pay attention to your life and the lessons it can teach you, you won’t feel so lost. Your story will seem less like a series of disjointed events and more like a beautifully complex narrative unfolding before you.

You will understand each setback, inconvenience, and frustration as something more than what it appears to be. And perhaps, as you listen to it, your life will speak.

It may call to you in the early morning or late at night and tell you what you are meant to do with your gifts, your passions, and your abilities. This voice might help you make sense of what has happened to you, and it may even give you guidance. Or it might unravel a whole new thread or theme you never before considered.

You will begin to see a theme, a surprisingly obvious thread that ties it all together. Will it be clear at first? Of course not. This is just the start. But there’s less intrigue to this process than we think.

Your life, though a mystery, is trying to tell you something. The question is, “Are you listening?”

Remember: there are only a few days left to pre-order my upcoming book, The Art of Work and get $250 in bonuses, including the paperback for the price of shipping (if you live in the U.S. or Canada). This offer expires at 11:59 p.m. on Mar. 23, 2015.

Pre-order The Art of Work
Download Chapter 3

When you listen to your life, what does it tell you about yourself? Share in the comments.

047: The Seven Stages of Finding Your Calling [Podcast]

Finding your calling usually isn’t a defining moment of clarity. It’s a hard, long process to discover what you were meant to do with your life.

Failure is inevitable. It’s also a gift. When you fail, it’s a chance to learn how to move forward, overcome, and take that lesson to the next thing you do. Failure forces you to grow. Those growing opportunities help you find what you are called to do with your life.

Each step of finding your own calling is difficult in its own. To find your calling you must walk through the seasons of awareness, apprenticeship, practice, discovery, profession, mastery, and legacy.

In this week’s episode of The Portfolio Life, join my co-host Andy Traub and me as we walk through the seven stages of pursing your calling as I outlined them in my new book, The Art of Work.

Listen to the podcast

To listen to the show, click the player below. (If you’re reading this via email, click here).

You can also listen at iTunes or on Stitcher.

Highlights from the show

Your life is speaking; you just need to be able to recognize the signs.
Every story of success is really a story of community. We don’t get to where we’re going alone.
Practicing is how you learn what you’re supposed to be spending your time doing.
Pick one thing and do it for the rest of your life then you can become a master at it.
Our calling is not complete until we begin to share it with others.
Pursuing your calling is a process of awareness, accidental apprenticeship, painful practice, discovery, profession, mastery, and legacy.

Resources

This podcast is just an overview of the process of finding your calling. In my new book, The Art of Work, I go into more details on each of these steps and help you look at what they look like in your own life. You can pick up your own copy of the book at ArtofWorkBook.com

This is the last week to get in on the free paperback copy of The Art of Work plus $250 in bonuses. The deal ends at 11:59 PM Central Time on Monday, March 23, so visit ArtofWorkBook.com to get your free copy.

Where are you in your journey of finding your calling? Share in the comments.

Want to Know What You’re Meant to Do? Listen to Your Ache

Recently, I met an ex-musician who told me every time he sees a band perform, he feels an ache. It actually hurts him to listen. Why? Because it reminds him of the pain of an un-lived life.

Photo Credit: Orangedrummaboy via Compfight cc

I know that ache.

It used to come every time I read a book or saw a speaker step up on stage. Whenever faced with someone sharing their gift, I would feel it. Late at night or early in the morning, it would tease me, telling me I was missing out, taunting me for not answering my calling.

And for the longest time I made the mistake of ignoring it.

At times, I think, we all feel this ache. It aggravates us only because we know what we’ve done to ourselves. We’ve listened to the adult in our heads instead of the child in our hearts. And when we do this, we lose.

Because adults rarely have time for sidewalk chalk and dance parties and whimsy. They tend to quash impractical ideas and dissuade you from risk. Call me naive, but I think you need to listen to that child — at least long enough to know what you’re meant to do.

“What wrecks you?” I heard a preacher once say. “What bugs you? What can you just not stand? These are clues to your calling.”

Turns out, he was right. The broken things you notice are precisely the problems you’re meant to fix [tweet]. It took me a long time to do this, to pay attention to my ache, but once I did, things started to align.

And what I learned, what I think we all learn, is that nothing is wasted. Everything in life is leading to a moment that’s to come. It’s all preparation — a wonderful redemption of what we thought were long-lost dreams.

Now that I’ve come in contact with my calling, I know that the difference between a fulfilled life and one full of regret is whether or not you listen to that ache. Whether you pay attention to that unsettled feeling and finally realize all is not right with the world until you stop hiding your gift.

So I have one very simple question for you: as Mary Oliver once wrote,

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

In other words: What’s your ache? What unsettles you, like a concert messes with my musician friend? That’s a clue to your calling. Do something today to share your gift, and let it begin with leaving a comment. Feel free to promote whatever you’re working on in the comments.

Want to read more? Go here to read an excerpt from my new book.

Two Lies We Believe about Success

There are two stories we often hear when it comes to pursuing our life’s work, two lies we believe about success, and neither is very satisfying.

These are the stories my parents told me. Maybe they’re the ones your parents told you. Chances are, you probably heard at least one or the other at some point. And sadly, these are the very things that hold us back from achieving our dreams.

But what if neither was true?

Lie #1: You can be whatever you want

In this all-too-common tale of the self-made man, we see an individual defying the odds to achieve success. And all it takes is sheer tenacity. If you follow the plan, the logic goes, you will succeed.

But something about that has always bothered me. When does life ever go according to plan?

The truth is you cannot be whatever you want. We all have limitations and obstacles, certain impediments and weaknesses. But maybe those things that we often think of as bad really aren’t all that good? And what if being whatever you wanted wasn’t the point at all?

Lie #2: Only special people succeed

In this story, you don’t really have control over anything. If you aren’t given some special circumstance or opportunity, then you must be doomed to failure.

This is called fatalism, and in this paradigm, life has little meaning and there’s nothing you can do to change that. Whatever will be, will be. Your destiny is inescapable.

But where is the adventure in that, in having everything scripted out for you? And what do we make of the countless stories of people lying on their death beds, full of regret?

Surely, there must be another way.

A surprisingly satisfying alternative

When I was working on my latest book, I stumbled upon some stories that turned these ideas of success upside down. What if you couldn’t be whatever you wanted? But what if hidden in your worst weakness was your greatest strength?

This new way of approaching life with open hands aligned with most success stories I encountered in interviews and biographies. By no means was it a one-size-fits-all approach to discovering meaningful work, but it revealed a familiar pattern amongst those who have found their purpose.

One story was the tale of a five-year-old boy who beat brain cancer, then ran a dozen triathlons, hiked Machu Picchu, and became an Eagle Scout. And he did it all being legally blind, with more impediments than most of us can imagine.

When I asked young Garrett if he thought any of that good stuff could have happened without the bad, he said absolutely not. It wasn’t that having cancer was good necessarily, but it was a means of bringing focus to his life, forcing him and his family to make the most of every moment.

We can learn a lot from that, especially when it comes to figuring out what to do with our own lives.

Understanding the journey

Many people are considering their life’s purpose, wondering if they were born a destiny. Are we imbued with an innate reason for living, or is it something we have to create ourselves? The truth is that the route to your life’s work is not what you have been told.

Finding your calling is not some carefully-laid plan. It’s not a goal you set and plow through life to achieve. At the same time, it isn’t a series of random events, either. It’s a mix of mystery and intention, both practice and introspection, and it tends to happen in stages.

The process begins with awareness, with “listening to your life” and looking for common themes that emerge. Then it leads to action, where you learn that your purpose won’t just come to you — you’ll have to work for it. And then, you move into legacy, the phase in which you realize your vocation isn’t about you but rather the impact you have on others. And all of this becomes your life’s work.

Everyone has a right to do work that matters. In The Art of Work, I lay out a path that emerged after studying the lives of countless people, reading their stories and interviewing them myself. This is the way that many others have walked for thousands of years, so it can be trusted.

There’s something beautiful about following in the footsteps of others while still being able to make the path your own. Understanding the process before you will help you make sense of your journey and know the next step to take. It’ll also reinforce a lesson I learned over and over while writing this book:

What makes a life extraordinary aren’t the chances we get, but what we do with them. [Tweet]

We all have opportunities we’ve been given, although sometimes we don’t realize it. And we all have a chance to do something incredible with our lives as Garrett did. The question is, are we willing to embrace what we have or keep waiting for something else?

I hope you don’t wait another second and get started today.

Don’t forget: Until Mar. 23, you can pre-order my book at no cost to you when you just pay a flat rate shipping (if you live in the US or Canada). International people can order here. You can also download a sample chapter to learn more.

Pre-order The Art of Work
Download Chapter One

Do you ever find yourself believing these lies about success? Share in the comments.

046: Learning to Savor: An Interview with Shauna Niequist

Is more always better? It’s tempting to believe. It’s easy to get caught up in always striving to be more and achieve more, but when we’re constantly chasing after the next best thing, it becomes impossible to savor the moment.

This week on The Portfolio Life I have the privilege of interviewing one of my favorite writers: Shauna Niequist. Shauna and I talk about the life of a writer and the pull to do many things, as well as the discipline of soaking up every moment.

Listen in as we talk about learning to pay attention and her new book, Savor.

Listen to the podcast

To listen to the show, click the player below. (If you’re reading this via email, click here).

You can also listen at iTunes or on Stitcher.

About the author and her new book

My wife introduced me to Shauna’s writing a few years ago, and since then she has quickly become one of my favorite writers to follow. Shauna has a respect for the written word and a dedication to her craft that’s rare these days.

Her new book Savor: Living Abundantly Where You Are, As You Are released just this week (and is bound to be a bestseller). Through short snippets of inspiration, she urges readers to create a sense of stillness as they begin each day.

Sometimes the fear of missing out pushes us to overdo it. But when we constantly chase more, it becomes impossible to enjoy the everyday moments. Savoring requires discipline, and sometimes saying “no” to good things so that you can live at a pace that allows you to enjoy life.

In Savor, you’ll be encouraged to savor each day, no matter what it holds.

Show highlights

In this episode, Shauna and I discuss:

What it means to savor each moment.
How she has organized her life as a writer (and what she’s had to say no to).
The effects of not creating enough stillness in your life and what busyness really costs you.
How jealousy can (sometimes) be a good teacher, if you know how to learn form it.
The importance of boundaries and discipline in writing, family, and life.
And so much more!

Resources

Shauna’s blog
Lindsay Letters — illustrations and cover design for Savor
Cold Tangerines  (affiliate link)
Bittersweet  (affiliate link)
Bread and Wine  (affiliate link)

Get Shauna’s new book here.

Do you struggle with placing boundaries on how you spend your time? Share in the comments.

Shame Is Something We Learn

Recently, my son Aiden danced for the first time. Without any prompting or either parent showing him how, he just started moving to the music. First his hips, then his hands, and eventually his head bobbed, as if the act were hardwired into him. It was amazing.

Photo Credit: Jonathan Adami via Compfight cc

At this age, Aiden doesn’t understand social norms. He doesn’t grasp that some men don’t dance, that it’s not always appropriate to bust a move in front a room full of strangers. And I love that. All he knows is that he feels the music, and when it plays, he has to move.

This isn’t something he was taught; it just comes natural. Some day, though, Aiden may not be so quick to move his hips. Some day, his friends might make fun of him for dancing or clapping or having blond hair. Who knows. Kids are cruel. But for now, Aiden dances.

My son, who is still very much a toddler, knows no shame. What little fear he possesses, he probably learned from me, over-parenting him while he was attempting something brave. But for the most part, he is shame-less, in the very best definition of the word.

I, on the other hand, am not. Insecurity has haunted me most of my life. As a child, I was overweight and awkward, with long hair and too many flannel shirts. As a teenager, I was often picked on, pushed around, kicked, teased, and called every name in the book. The result was a heightened level of caution when approaching risk in life. I knew the pain of embarrassment, the sting of shame when you stepped out of line. And I was determined to avoid it at all costs.

This was what I held onto for years, while secretly dreaming of becoming a writer. I’d been writing my whole life but was still afraid to admit I wanted it. Who was I to attempt something so bold? But when I finally shed my shame and decided to embrace my identity, something inside me came unlocked. And what I discovered is that shame is not our natural state. It’s something we learn. [Tweet]

Pat the Cow

Not long ago, my father-in-law decided to teach Aiden to call him by his first name, Pat. The next morning, our little guy woke up, saw a book with a cow on the cover and somehow connected the two experiences. He began calling the cow, “Pat.”

Weeks later, when asked, “What does Pat say?” Aiden would reply, “Moo!” We didn’t have the heart to correct him, partly because it was so hilarious and partly because at this age he can do no wrong in our eyes.

Call us naive, but we are doing everything we can to keep our son from feeling embarrassed. We try to not unnecessarily correct him or tell him his way of seeing the world is wrong. Because maybe it’s not. Maybe in his magical world where everything is new and wonderful, all the cows are named Pat.

I’d like to believe that innocence is not a weakness, but a virtue, and it’s our job as parents to preserve it for as long as we can. Sadly, shame will come to our son soon enough, in spite of our efforts to fight it. But for now, we are enjoying watching our boy believe in what is true and good, even if it means calling all the cows “Pat.”

Remembering to dance

Isn’t it interesting that dancing comes natural, but shame is something we learn?

Shame is not like your sense of smell or sight. We are not born embarrassed. Fear and self-doubt are habits we learn, often from those who have teased us into compliance or forced us into conformity. And at some point, if we are going to discover why we were born, we must unlearn these habits.

If you and I are going to unlock our true purpose, we’ll have to deal with shame head on. We’ll have to face our demons and reclaim who we really are. Finding your calling isn’t like a job search. It’s not about learning a new skill, but about reclaiming who you really are.

Some of us have been shamed out of our dreams and passions, forced to live as shadows of our true selves. Along the way, we knew we were faking, but we just didn’t know there was an alternative. 

You were told to hide your gift, that the world didn’t need what you had to offer. But those were lies.

We all have a great work in us, some unsung song demanding to be let out. Many of us, if we are attentive enough, can hear the music, vibrating in our bones. So maybe it’s time to unlearn our shame and once again remember to dance.

When was the last time you felt shame for who you were? Share in the comments.