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The Cringe Of Today’s Social Media Parents

It’s not all bad. Parents who love their kids always want to show them off to everyone they meet. But social media reaches more people than anyone can imagine and some things never go away.

Years ago, you could be sitting in a doctor’s office, and out of sheer boredom, you pick up a conversation with someone. Most of the time, if it was a parent, that conversation would lead to their kids. They had some pictures in their wallet or pocketbook to prove it, “Now this one, this is my youngest. He just started playing baseball. This is him in his uniform. He played his first game the other day and then, I took him for some pizza. He’s a champ. He deserved a slice of pizza after the game he played.”

Bragging about that kid could go on for an hour and fill up the time it took for the doctor to call your name. But then, there were other types of parents. They brought their picture albums with them and you were about to get an earful about each and every one of them, what they had for breakfast, where they went to school, what they planned on doing in life, and every achievement from elementary school on up.

Don’t try to change the subject. Just sit through the torture. Because it could get worse. It could get a whole lot worse.

Now, here comes the social media. It has made an entirely different beast out of some parents. They’re called social media parents and it’s called social media parenting. They love taking pictures of their kids asleep with drool dripping out of the sides of their mouths. Parents like this have to get a picture of their toddler struggling to potty train. Those are the most precious photos.

Because it’s only on the internet. What could possibly go wrong?

Years from now, they’ve all grown up and every moment of their lives was announced on Facebook. Everyone’s seen everything about them and they have no idea what the word “privacy” even means. Guess what, mom? Guess what, dad? It’s your turn. Enjoy the most embarrassing moments of your life you can’t control being shared with people who don’t even know you.

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My New Video Style On YouTube

I’ve been having fun with videos on YouTube for years. The 300 Beer Weekend has been providing me with entertainment for years. But that’s not what it’s about. It’s about you.

Trying to find a niche on YouTube is tough. There are all kinds of channels with everyone doing their own things. Some like to teach people different aspects of the internet. Some like to teach about different aspects of life. I love the one guy who makes videos of things young people can use like how to check the oil or put air in a tire. There are kids who don’t know how to do these things and these YouTube videos are there to teach them how.

Entertainment channels include celebrity gossip and everything from music to dance. Those are technically niche channels. But they’re so huge, it’s hard to think of them that way. Meanwhile, I’m just trying to make people laugh. So, I do it the best way that I can.

Recently, I came up with a new video style and it’s starting to work. It begins with a joke and because they come off the top of my dome every day, that’s the easy part. All I have to do at that part is figure out how to turn that joke into a video.

Finding the simplest footage works best. As long as it’s not too distracting, viewers will still be drawn to read the words.

Then, all it takes is finding the right music to go with it. Sometimes, the footage might be a little too distracting. But that’s okay. You can push play, and after that, you can push play again.

Some jokes are more like Dad Jokes, all corny and everything. That’s why it’s a good idea to give viewers something interesting to watch.

And sometimes, my jokes come from my own experiences. This actually happened to a friend of mine. When his security system was delivered at his front door, a porch pirate stole it. You can’t make that up!

But then, there are times when the joke lands on my lap. There’s nothing I can do but pass that footage around for everyone to get a laugh.

Check out the 300 Beer Weekend when you get a chance!

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Market Price And The Dreaded Restaurant Trick

When you’re out to eat, you’re out to have fun and that’s where the restaurants get you. They use your good mood against you and get you wrapped up in a little thing called Market Price.

A group of friends come into a nice restaurant and sit down at the table. Everyone wants to be polite and no one wants to be embarrassed. So, the waitress brings everyone a menu and then hangs around to answer anyone’s question.

The one lingering question in everyone’s mind is why aren’t there any numbers on this menu. What does Market Price mean? How much is my dinner going to cost me?

But of course, no one wants to say anything because that would mean you care about the price. A person who cares about the price is broke or at least, not rich. Remember, we’re all living in a society where we’re trying to keep up with the Joneses. They have everything and we don’t want to look like we don’t have anything.

But seriously, what is Market Price? On the down low, let me know! How much is this dinner going to set me back?

By the way, the part in this commercial is played by the awesome . She is the actress we’ve been waiting for all our lives. She got her start in 2006 in 13 episodes of Just for Kicks. So, she has been in the industry for quite a few years.

But she did 10 episodes as Mia Hines in Love Life in 2021 and now she plays Gaby in Shrinkage, I can’t get enough of her. She’s in the new Road House too and Tunnel Rave with an untitled project along the way. Can’t wait to see what that is.

In the meantime, enjoy how she portrays the struggle we all know far too well.

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Peaceful Protest Is No Longer Possible

It would be nice to have a peaceful protest instead of the riots and the burning buildings we’ve seen in our recent history. But there are two reasons why they don’t work and it’s a shame that this is our reality.

No one pays attention to a peaceful protest. Sitting in a designated area singing “Give Peace a Chance” is a nice way to gather and get to know people who are just as upset as you over whatever cause it is. But people walk by and wave, they smile gently as they go back to window shopping and enjoying their evening strolls down the peaceful streets.

A protest like that doesn’t get anyone’s attention. It’s not loud enough and it doesn’t cause anyone any alarm. It’s said that the squeaky wheel gets the attention. As we’ve learned throughout history, if people aren’t yelling at the top of their lungs and being disruptive in some way, no one cares. They might try to show they care in their Faceygrams and Instatweets but their actions won’t back up their words because a peaceful protest just isn’t inspiring enough.

So, the solution might seem to be to step it up a notch, or a few notches. But that just won’t be allowed. Protestors will be playing right into the government’s hands as soon as they decide to intensify their actions, even if they all agree to keep their protest legal. On the surface, the government says that it invites lawful assembly but deep down inside, it doesn’t like being criticized and it has its methods of legally shutting down a protest.

Ask yourself, is it that hard to believe that government agents will infiltrate peaceful protestors with the purpose of encouraging them to violence? An even more revealing question, is it that hard to believe that criminals who have been charged with crimes have been recruited to work for government agencies to get out of serving time by being used as actors to infiltrate peaceful protests and incite protestors to violence?

When Ray Epps was part of the January 6 rioters, he urged fellow rioters, “Tomorrow, we need to go into the Capitol … peacefully.” Then, on January 6, another video surfaced of him saying, “As soon as the president is done speaking, we go to the Capitol.”

Epps was charged and given a year of probation for his involvement. But he became a target of the right and received death threats. There were people calling him a Fed on the day of the insurrection. When asked, the Justice Department, “Couldn’t say whether FBI agents participated in the insurrection because [they] couldn’t discuss ‘the specifics of sources and methods’ of the FBI.”

Then, the House released the FBI findings that there was no insurrection. That makes things very confusing since there are people being prosecuted for their involvement in the insurrection and it is still being termed that by our government as well as a justice system across the land. So, was it or wasn’t it?

That’s a question the government should have to face or will it be another thing that goes unnoticed while it distracts your attention away from that document? Either way, Ray Epps is a Marine who got caught up in the action just like everyone else who was there. It’s called mob mentality and when you’re in it, it’s hard to pull yourself back out of it.

Ray Epps on 60 Minutes

The following clip with Jim Gaffigan on the Joe Rogan Experience begins with a talk about Trump and Biden that was months ago. In light of Trump’s conviction, it didn’t age well. But only a few minutes into their discussion, they start talking about the insurrection and Joe Rogan talks about Federal involvement on January 6.

Choose what you want to believe but I don’t find it hard to believe at all. It really isn’t just about the Feds either. When peaceful people try to have a protest on a subject that is particularly triggering, there are going to be bad actors from both sides who will come with the intent of stirring up trouble. Expect it to happen.

Be prepared to be caught up in a potentially violent situation with violent people from both sides who want to push things as well as violent police officers ordered to step in and stop things. And if the bad actors don’t show, expect the government to whip things up itself because, how dare any American question the sovereignty of this government and disrespect the moral ground it stands on?

If you read that without laughing, it’s a shame you’ve lost your sense of humor over all this.

Did Feds Turn Protest Into Insurrection?

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Freedom Of Speech Is Dying, The Harrison Butker Saga

When Harrison Butker stepped on stage at Benedictine College to give a commencement speech to the class that was graduating, he knew what he was doing. But the controversy has exploded across America, dividing us once again and opening up our ongoing debate about Freedom of Speech.

Here is a Catholic man giving a speech to a Catholic college and talking about their beliefs. Of course, the world is listening and everything is up for commentary. It always has been. In fact, that’s the other side of this two-edged sword. Freedom of Speech does indeed go both ways. If you can dish it out, you better be ready to take it. But there have been some ridiculous actions to this saga and they need to be called out.

First of all, I want to say that I get this TikToker who was in attendance. She is a graduate who heard Butker’s speech first hand and she was not happy with it. This is not one of those ridiculous things that need to be pointed out. This is actually how Freedom of Speech works. If you don’t like something, speak up about it. There will always be people on your side who agree with you and will give you the time of day to listen.

@susi.leisegang

Respuesta a @Kiki Thank you to everyone congratulating me it means so much butkercommencentspeech benedictinecollege

♬ sonido original – Susannah

It is in the interest of what she had to say though that I would like to point out that the college she just graduated from is a Catholic college. I’m sure she knew that going into Freshman year. In its Mission Statement, Benedictine College states, “As a Catholic college, Benedictine College is committed to those beliefs and natural principles that form the framework of the Judeo-Christian tradition.”

Having said that, I think it’s important to point out that it doesn’t seem to be a requirement of the college that all students be Catholic, “The college embraces students and faculty from all faiths who accept its goals, seeking in its members a personal commitment to the ideals and principles of a spiritual life and the expression of these in worship and action.”

So, a student doesn’t have to be Catholic to attend. But I’m quite sure that in the years spent there to get a degree, every student learns what the college’s beliefs and principles are. Harrison Butker’s commencement speech would not have been the first time hearing these things. I know that graduation is supposed to be a special day and having your day ruined by a commencement speech can put a damper on the whole experience. I hate that she’ll have a bad memory of it but it shouldn’t have come as a surprise when these beliefs and principles had been shared with her all along.

After seeing memes spawn on Facebook like this hilarious one, I realized that it’s as if so many of the people who were triggered by his commencement speech have no idea what Harrison Butker really said. Of course, people don’t always have enough time to catch every little thing going on in the world. So, they rely on what they consider to be credible sources to fill them in on the details. Unfortunately, those aren’t always reliable.

AP does a great job of glossing over different views of the speech from a lady in the audience who liked it to a lady in the audience who wasn’t too happy about it as well as the criticism nuns had for it. PinkNews went a bit further and pointed out all the statements that the LGBTQ+ community as a whole might find issues with. What I liked about that article is it quoted Harrison Butker directly and discussed those statements honestly. It also didn’t have a call for action to have him fired or to sue him and have him sent off to a social awareness camp to be brainwashed into thinking their way. It simply says, here are the facts.

But this is ridiculous…

An actual petition exists to have the Chiefs fire him, calling his words “harmful” and “unacceptable.” I would like to point out that there are people on the right who find words and actions from people on the left “harmful” and “unacceptable.” Who wins that one? Who’s words are actually “harmful” and “unacceptable?”

If we’re all “harmful” and “unacceptable,” then we all need to be canceled. There will be no more commencement speeches, book readings, parades, protests, television programming of any sort, or anything at all, ever again. Stop talking to each other. It’s all too disturbing.

It’s either that or we all have Freedom of Speech. Harrison Butker can continue kicking for the Chiefs and living his life by his family values as well as giving speeches wherever he’s hired to do so. And everyone else will also enjoy those rights. Sound good?

It’s either all or nothing. Because I refuse to sit back and let one side dictate how we’re all going to live and what is and is not acceptable in this world. One side does not get to say and have everything their way.

Why wouldn’t the White House still welcome Harrison Butker? If this administration has actually considered this action and it isn’t just CNN trying to push it, this reaches the epitome of what is not American. The president is the president of the entire country, not just the people who agree with him. To consider rescinding an invitation based on the fact that he was criticized in a speech shows very weak character, not the kind of character an American president should have.

This is the kind of behavior from a country that has a dictator who doesn’t like opposition. This is the kind of behavior that takes place in a country ruled by a tyrant who silences those who stand against him. This is not who we are as Americans.

We might disagree on what family values are and we all might be divided by a commencement speech given by a certain person to a certain group of people he thought believed just like he does, but we all still agree on some things. Deep down in our American values, we know that this isn’t a dictatorship run by a tyrant. This is a free country where we are allowed to believe as we wish and the president of the United States is obligated to take company even with those who disagree with him. How else is he supposed to make an informed decision if he doesn’t hear what the opposition has to say?

But enough about me! Here’s Whoopi Goldberg to back me up…

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Little Tug Liked To Party With Sexy Ladies On His Yacht

Tugger is his actual name. But he goes by Tug and it was on his day off when he decided to take his yacht for a spin to look for a good time. Of course, sexy ladies are what first came to mind.

He knew one way to get it done was to cruise around and see what he could find. It was a nice sunny day. It shouldn’t have been that hard for him to find a party and get things started.

Jen seemed like she would be helpful. She was just floating on the waters and she did give him the time of day when he asked if there was anything interesting going on for him to do. She leaned toward him as if telling him a secret the world was holding, there is always something interesting and if he looked hard enough, he might even find something special.

Then, he asked if she’d like to join…

She kept smiling that beautiful smile but unfortunately, she shook her head. She had come out to do some turtle-watching for a college project that was due. When Tug asked if he could help, she encouraged him to go on his way and enjoy his day. She assured him that there was no reason to turtle watch with her on his day off.

Such a nice lady, Tug thought. So, he scooted off to find someone else who might want to do a little boating with him on his yacht. That’s when he spotted Samantha. She winked at him flirtatiously and that was all the invitation he needed.

The next thing she knew, he was floating right beside her boat, the waters bobbing up and down. She looked him over and asked what he wanted. But he soon learned she wasn’t what he was looking for when she looked him in the eye and gave him her reply.

Boating isn’t cheap and he couldn’t afford her…

That confused him. To him, it was simple math. He had the boat and if she was willing, what more did they need?

When he looked at her with that blank look in his eye, she didn’t offer him any more information. That was all she was willing to say. And when she saw that he wasn’t reaching for his wallet anytime soon, she knew that was his answer.

So, Tug shook his head as he went on his way. It wasn’t long before he bumped into someone else but this conversation would be his life changer. Wendy was floating by herself and enjoying the sun when Tug came up alongside her.

She gave him the side eye and asked what she could do for him. That’s when Tugger learned a little something about himself.

She looked him over and told him to get real. That’s not a yacht. How was he supposed to party with all these sexy ladies he kept bugging when that’s what he was working with?

Tug’s heart sank. His boat found it hard to stay afloat. The wind in his sail had been deflated.

Tug hadn’t once thought his boat was the issue. He had taken it joyriding before. He had put it in more times than he could count. He had even gotten in trouble with it so he thought it was definitely a bad boy.

But Wendy had let him know that wasn’t the case. He was going to have to slow his roll. There was only so much he could do with that thing.

As he thought back throughout the day at all the sexy ladies he had met, he started to realize that there was something they had all been trying to tell him. Some of them were just too nice to come out and say it. They would just smile at him, hoping he would get the hint.

Some would straight-up laugh without letting him in on their little inside joke. That’s why he was so clueless. What he thought was a yacht was nothing more than a little tugboat. Then, he realized that’s how he got this name. It was like the entire universe had been trying to tell him something. But he refused to listen.

It was all starting to sink in. Who wanted anything to do with Tugger? He was going to have to take his boating adventures on his own.

But facts have a way of coming through. That’s what Tug was about to learn when he bumped into two girls who were just hanging around.

They were nice girls with nothing else to do. They didn’t mind his company and didn’t care what he was working with. If anything, they liked his sense of humor and the way he made them laugh.

While he was talking, he was actually feeling a vibe. He didn’t know if what he was feeling was real because of what Wendy had said. But in there lies the truth.

When one lady sees a boat, another sees her yacht.

When he asked them if they’d like to climb aboard, they asked if they could take turns. A boat always needs steering whether the captain is at the helm or not. So, he didn’t see much problem with that.

That’s all they needed to hear. They were excited to check out his yacht and even more excited to get a little wet.

Of course, that’s what the day was about. That’s what Tug had wanted from the moment he started on this journey. The thing is that not only did they come, but they brought all the fun.

Once girls saw the party hopping, they came knocking. A good time tends to draw attention and when the water started making waves, the other boats naturally gravitated his way.

How many could he handle?

Before long, he had a real party on his hands. With everything popping, his boat started rocking. There were so many girls, he didn’t know what to do with himself. Then tragedy struck as the party hit full stride.

Life has a funny way of playing pranks on us all. Just when things are going good, that’s when the worst will most likely happen. That’s also when you find out who you’re friends are and who was only there for the good parts.

The party was over. The girls went their separate ways. They were making calls on their way off and already lining up their next thing. He had no idea they could bail that fast. It was enough to blow his mind and make his head spin.

That’s when he heard her voice, “I’m still here.”

He turned around and saw the one girl who had been checking him out all day. She liked what she saw and she had been patiently waiting to take his tugboat for a ride.

Tugger doesn’t party like he used to. His boat is no longer new and it can’t handle all that these days. He has finally come to the realization that it has aged gently.

But that’s okay because she’s not worried about all that. She knows how to get that engine revving and make it take a couple of trips around the lake. To Tug, that’s all that matters to him anyway.

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The Tom Brady Roast Went Sideways And Kept Going

Imagine telling Jeff Ross to back off from a true roaster. That’s what Tom Brady tried to do and it all went downhill from there. They called it The Greatest Roast of All Time and Kevin Hart set out to prove it as he hosted the Netflix presentation that aired on Sunday night.

We all know that Tom Brady likes to have his special rules. But this was a torcher and he knew what he was getting into when he signed. Of course, the only argument I can offer is that Tom Brady signed up for this. Everyone associated with him didn’t. So, do they get a pass? According to the Roastmaster General, that would be a No.

It’s Not A Tom Brady Joke

If you didn’t catch what the seven-time Super Bowl champion said to Ross, it was, “Don’t say that shit again.”

That’s right, the GOAT got up and said that in Jeff’s ear while he was doing his bit. Tom must not have gotten the memo. He may not have been aware of all the rules. But the fact is that there really aren’t any rules.

The celebrity being roasted isn’t supposed to referee his own roast. It’s not a common practice that they tell the guests what to joke about and what not to joke about. But Jeff took it like a pro. He finished his jokes about Robert Kraft and went back to roasting Tom.

By the way, the last I heard, the charges were dropped. Robert Kraft is an innocent man or at least, as innocent as a lot of money can make you. Plus, it all happened in public. It was dragged out into the headlines and his name was plastered all over the net for something other than football.

That’s a tough break. That’s what happens when you’re a public figure. So, don’t go to a roast if you’re sensitive about the jokes that are going to fly.

It went further downhill from there. The quarterback’s ex-wife, Gisele Bündchen, was another innocent victim of the roast. Of course, Jeff Ross went there too. But Kevin Hart, Nikki Glaser, and even Drew Bledsoe got in on the act.

Drew was the starting quarterback if you don’t know when he got hurt and that’s when Brady stepped up to take his place. It was history from there. So, Drew had a chance to get back at his former backup and he didn’t pull any punches. He mentioned the fact that Brady will never know what it’s like to be the first-round draft pick because Tom was chosen 199th in the sixth round. Way back in the back! So, Drew holds that over him. Plus, he went on to say that the GOAT would also never know how good it feels to celebrate a 28th anniversary. Whoa! Low blow!

Across the internet, headline after headline talks about how all the marriage and divorce jokes upset Gisele. But there’s nothing from her directly. Sites like TMZ and People refer to their sources who but they don’t have direct quotes or names to put with their stories. The fact is that Gisele didn’t even watch the show. She had more important things to do. Like, her part in saving the world.

Gisele Was Busy Doing Other Things

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A post shared by Gisele Bündchen (@gisele)

Roasts can get pretty bad. They aren’t like the Dean Martin roasts of yesteryear where celebrities would joke about the roaster and keep it at that. The roast tradition has progressively branched out into everything about the person and every bit of dirt they can dig up.

But if you know what’s going on, then you know what to expect when you sign up for a roast. It’s not going to be a few innocent jokes that make people laugh in a wholesome family setting. It’s going to go there and there is no pulling back in sight.

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The Games Of Death Kids Played Decades Ago

Young parents of today would have a heart attack if they saw the games kids played back in the 70s and 80s. They were fun and provided hours of entertainment but they could easily result in death and our parents never even batted an eye.

It was a different time back then when warning signs weren’t stuck to everything. I remember when Mr. Yuk was introduced and parents started putting stickers on bleach, glass cleaner, dish detergent, and every other poisonous substance a kid might be enticed to drink. Before that, it was okay if we drank it. Labels were our only way of knowing.

Thankfully, parents got wise in the 21st century. They had games yanked off the shelves. Schools stopped letting us kill each other in gym class or on the playground. It became a whole new world and the kids were safer. They had their video games and some completely forgot to go back outside.

Red Rover And The Line Of Death

It was an innocent game invented by a nice person who thought it would be fun if one person ran at the line of people on the other end of the field. If they break through, they win. If they get caught, they didn’t. And therein lies the rub.

The need to break through lit a fire in the runner that would motivate them to go full speed at the other kids. The need to catch them was just as motivating to kids standing in a line. The line got harder and the running faster until it was like full-on NFL football. A close line here and a horse-collar tackle there and kids ended up in the hospital in traction. Schools have banned the game after gallons of tears were cried into buckets and used to clean the blood off the walls.

But, our parents in our generation actually organized the games in our backyards. If you got hurt, walk it off. Pop that shoulder back into place. If you were choked, hold your hands above your head and breathe. We were fine.

Dodgeball Was Sweet Revenge

We had dodgeball in gym class sometimes and we could always have it on the playground. So if we needed to get back at our classmates for something, dodgeball was when. A blast to the face was so satisfying. But if we were really going for it, hit them in the legs and trip the rascal who stole our pencil.

It appears this is another game the schools have banned. I don’t get it though. It was a rubber ball. That didn’t hurt, not that much anyway. It wasn’t like the toys we played with at home.

Lawn Darts Were Serious Stuff

When they said “Javelin Darts,” that’s what they meant. These things were solid and weighed enough to go right through someone’s head. There was a point at the end to make it happen too.

We would swing them back and forth and let them fly. If kids weren’t paying attention at the other end, that was their fault. It was a good heads-up game that got us ready for a lot of things like throwing grenades and hiding bodies. Somewhere along the line, the Toy Police decided for parents that we couldn’t be trusted with Lawn Darts anymore and banned them for everyone.

Chemistry Sets Were Death Ready To Happen

Chernobyl exploded in 1986 and we were still selling chemistry sets in America. It didn’t faze us that there were real chemicals in the set that should never be mixed. We had science teachers doing demonstrations all day and we learned everything we needed to know about chemistry.

What could possibly go wrong? There were only chemicals that could cause a fire. Others could pollute the oxygen in the room. Then, there were chemicals that could melt metal. It was awesome. Nothing a parent needed to worry about when their ten-year-old was up in their room playing.

Automic Energy Lab

Complete with Uranium 238, Sheldon Cooper would have loved this game. We’re not talking about a small explosion in the room anymore. This time, we’re talking about something that could make a child’s hair fall out. Death would come shortly after.

Of course, Atomic Energy can also cause an explosion. But it would probably take the whole block out. The cute little explosion a chemistry set would make in a kid’s room has nothing on a nuclear weapon your little Sheldon could cook up.

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Man Sells Kidney To Buy A Salad, The Secret Health Fad

Flying an Airbus A320 from Maryland to Florida is a quick two-hour trip that passengers mostly enjoy, especially when they’re going on vacation. But for Gus, it was another inspiration to find a health fad that this time might actually work.

He was in the aisle seat feeling like he was stuffed in a sardine can. One lady smacked him in the face with her purse as she made it up the aisle while the drinks cart busted him in the knee on its way down. The flight attendant didn’t realize what she was stuck on and kept ramming it to get it to go until he caught her attention and got her to back up so that he could move his leg out of her way.

He made the mistake of ordering a drink, which went through his system like a flood that had just busted through a dam. He quickly shuffled his way back to the bathroom and in there, had the time of his life trying to find enough room to empty his screaming bladder. Standing in front of the toilet, he kept hitting the walls with his arms. So, he turned sideways to unzip and then forward again to do his bidding.

Every move he made, he hit something. He banged his head when he tried to look down at his zipper. His arms were bouncing off of everything. Something stuck in his back, which turned out to be an ashtray, a relic of the past that had no business being where it was in the first place. There is a law against smoking on planes and keeping ashtrays in the bathrooms with “No Smoking” signs makes absolutely no sense.

But getting back out presented the biggest challenge because the door opened inward, meaning he had to find enough room in there to get out of the door’s way. The maneuvers he had to make were ingenious and could easily be turned into a video game for skinny people who love making fun of the pudgy thickums. That was it! That was all he needed to begin to get inspired and start thinking about losing weight.

The next wave of motivation came in the form of Adele and Rebel Wilson. It was like they were on something amazing. What was their health fad secret?

The thought had occurred to Gus that Chris Pratt and Jonah Hill also made great inspirations for weight loss. But for some reason, it was Adele and Rebel who got him off the couch. He was finally done thinking about it. He was to the point where he was almost about ready to actually start doing something.

The internet has a plethora of information about losing weight but no magic potion. Yes, there are plenty of health fad promises from supplements to shakes but there is no wicked pill that simply dissolves fat while you sleep. Trust Gus on that. He tried several that came with a guarantee, empty promises that just take money from desperate people who took their time gaining weight for years and now want it gone in the next five seconds.

What Gus did find were diets and exercises, all the things he loathed to hear. That meant sacrifice and work. Worst health fad ever! Eating a salad was just plain torture! And walking? Like, did they mean every day?

But he finally gave in to the overwhelming amount of information from credible sources that kept saying over and over that a proper diet with exercise is the only true health fad that works. Salads. Fruit salads. Seafood salads. Salad salads. No pizza. No cookies. No chips. No SODA?

Has the world gone mad? How do people live like this?

When he picked himself up off the floor from throwing an all-out temper tantrum, he wiped the tears from his eyes and headed to the market. That’s where he got the biggest shock of his life. Going through the snack aisle and the frozen food section that had been his regular weekly stops where his plaque was hung proudly on the ice cream door, he found the salads in a part of the market he had never been before.

He looked at the prices with a very confused look on his face. He could buy three cheeseburgers from a fast food joint for less than the three-ounce bowl of rabbit food staring him in the face. He quickly started to calculate how much it would cost to buy a salad a day. Then, with his fingers, he deducted that from how much money he had and that’s when reality struck him. He couldn’t afford to lose weight.

What kind of scam is this? The whole world wants him to be skinny. The whole world is made for skinny people. One flight on an airplane makes that point abundantly clear.

Eight hotdogs and eight buns cost less than three dollars. One bowl of grass with a leaf of lettuce and a touch of carrot shavings costs enough to put a kid through college. That’s when he started to negotiate with himself. If he cut down on how many cheeseburgers he ate during a meal and exercised twice as much, that might get him to his weight goal.

“Psst,” Gus heard out of the corner of his ear. “Psst,” he heard again.

He turned to look and he saw the butcher gesturing to him. Gus looked around to make sure, then walked over to see what it was about. The butcher took his time to make sure Gus was properly motivated and made him promise to keep a secret.

With sweat dripping from his cheeks, Gus shook his head and that’s when the butcher informed him that there was an underground network of anonymous sellers and buyers who were in the live organ game. If Gus was in the market, the butcher could give him a nice wad of cash for one of his kidneys.

“How much,” Gus asked.

“Enough,” the butcher replied.

“Would I be able to afford a salad,” Gus asked.

“My friend, you’ll be able to buy a couple of them,” the butcher answered.

Gus thought for a moment and then agreed. The butcher wasted no time taking him back to the walk-in refrigerator and getting down to business. The process took about fifteen minutes and Gus walked out of the grocery store a half a pound lighter.

When the butcher pointed out to Gus that removing the kidney immediately took him down half a pound, he realized that he had done enough for the day. That was the fastest he had ever lost weight and there was no reason to push more. Plus, he had a huge wad of cash. It was a win-win situation.

Later that evening, as he sat in his recliner watching TV, he took a look at the incision on his side and smiled. That was one less thing for him to worry about. It was hard enough for him to keep all his organs working all day. Selling one for a good cause only made his body’s work that much easier.

Then, he reached over to his folding tray table and grabbed another cheeseburger from the pile. Inspiration was one thing but being smart was another. There was no way he was going to be able to eat salads for the rest of his life. He didn’t have enough kidneys.

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The Day I Met My Daughter

Marking papers from a stack of thirty students, I was biding my time until the teachers could leave school when a personal announcement came across the speaker on the wall. “Mr. Allen, are you there?” the voice from the office asked.

“Yes,” I answered.

“Your wife is going into labor,” the voice reported.

“Thank you,” I replied as I shoved the papers into my bag and walked out of the classroom, knowing that it would be fine if I left early. I did have a valid reason after all.

I was out of the building, across the parking lot, and into my car in no time flat. A few minutes later, I was at the hospital, walking around the halls trying to find my wife who had been pacing the floors with her mother for over an hour. My presence put a slight smile on her face but only for a moment because she wasn’t happy, in a happy kind of way.

We knew the birth of my daughter was coming soon. We just didn’t know which day exactly and the due date had already passed. So, my wife was very excited about meeting her daughter but the misery she was going through could easily be read on her face. I offered if there was anything I could do and the response was quite hysterical from a soon-to-be mother who wasn’t actually enjoying the moment.

“Can you have the baby for me? Can you take the pain away?” were the kinds of responses she gave to a very humbled man who felt helpless when all he wanted to do was help.

My daughter finally arrived at four in the morning when the rest of the world was asleep. I ran up and down the steps several times from the room to the desk for administrative purposes and to grab the new mother a soda that she so desperately needed. I sprained my ankle somehow during one of those trips but I didn’t feel it until the next day because all I cared about was the new person in my life, which I finally got to hold about fifteen minutes after she was born.

I didn’t get to hold her right away like they do in the movies. Nurses are busy with babies for a few minutes while dads are running around the hospital whichever way they’re told to go. No, it’s not at all like it is in the movies. But it’s so much better.

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