Michael Allen's Blog: Michael Allen Online, page 12

January 6, 2024

When A Man’s Shrinkage Becomes The Butt Of The Joke

Everyone remembers the Seinfeld episode when George just got out of the pool, and Jerry’s girlfriend walks in on him while he’s naked. It’s the greatest example of shrinkage, but this guy just might have it beat.

I would love to know more about this story like why was the guy in the aquarium at the Bass Pro Shops in Birmingham, Alabama? Or, why was he naked? Does he have a mental condition, or was he on drugs? I don’t know the answer to any of these things. All I know is it happened.

Before you watch the video, just be warned there is nudity. Don’t worry about it. You can’t see anything.

He’s yelling for someone to come and get him because he’s ready. He seems coherent, so I don’t think he was on drugs or that there are any other issues involved. He probably just wanted to do something crazy stupid, and it’s par for the course these days. I don’t question anything anymore because people are doing all kinds of off-the-wall things. 2020 just has us like that now.

It appears he was ultimately arrested for his actions, which by the way, he should have been. And here, you can see the shrinkage is strong with this one. Imagine being escorted through the store with everyone watching, and the police aren’t even trying to cover you up.

I guess they thought, if you want to be naked and show off your junk, then that’s the march you’re going to take to the car. I wonder if they put anything on the seat before he put his bare butt on it?

And the jokes are flying. I’m not sure when this was, but he probably woke up the next day asking himself, what did I do? Why did I do that?

I’m inclined to say that he did it for the likes. It seems that’s all some people are concerned about these days, what kind of attention they can get from total strangers as long as it reaches into the thousands or tens of thousands.

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Published on January 06, 2024 15:20

November 23, 2023

That Moment Lisa Kudrow Taught Taylor Swift ‘Smelly Cat’

It was an interesting snapshot in history that will go down as one of the greatest Taylor Swift moments of all time. Of course, there was a special guest, and she made it all that much better.

So that there is no confusion, this was during Taylor Swift’s The 1989 World Tour. The tour took place in 2015. So, that helps make sense of what’s happening when you suddenly see Phoebe Buffay come on stage with her guitar.

That’s right. Taylor Swift invited Lisa Kudrow on stage to perform as Pheobe Buffay. What messed up most of us who weren’t there was that the timeline didn’t seem to make sense. First of all, Taylor Swift was born in 1989. Obviously, she wasn’t performing in 1989.

Also, Friends didn’t air until 1994. So, Phoebe Buffay wasn’t a character anyone would have known in 1989. Finding out that The 1989 World Tour took place in 2015 suddenly made sense to all of us who had to do some serious catching up.

Now that we’re all on the same page, Taylor Swift stops the show to introduce a special guest. She says that the lady about to come on stage has only performed in coffee shops, which I love because that shows how much everyone was committed to the bit. When Phoebe steps on stage, the fans go wild.

They go even more nuts when Phoebe announces that the song she’s going to sing is “Smelly Cat.” Of course, Phoebe did perform other songs during the running of Friends. But “Smelly Cat” by far is the fan favorite and perfect for the occasion.

The best part comes when Taylor Swift is singing the song, and Phoebe stops her to teach her how to sing it. Classic! They nailed it, and it shows how big of a star Taylor Swift was back then to be able to get Phoebe Buffay on stage with her. How big of a star is she now? It’s hard to fathom!

-She has more money than the King of England.
-She watches a football game, and viewership breaks records that day.
-She dates a football player, and his jersey sales start going through the roof.
-Her tour is boosting the economy everywhere she goes.
-She touched a dead pigeon, and it flew away.

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Published on November 23, 2023 21:19

November 16, 2023

‘Dinner in America’ Caught Me Off Guard In A Good Way

Dinner in America came along at the wrong time in history to only gross just over $20,000 at the box office. It’s a shame too because the movie is “tits,” and you’re about to find out why that’s funny.

Dinner in America was released in 2020 when we had our minds on other things, but it begins with a guy and girl at a cafeteria table being fed and looked over by what appear to be nurses. My first thoughts were that they were in a hospital for the mentally ill. But we soon find out that our lead character was in a clinical test, and the drugs they were giving him didn’t agree with his system, so he was booted from the program and paid less than he expected.

That’s what takes us on a short journey when the girl is also booted from the test, and she offers to take him to her house for dinner and oral sex. At this awkward dinner where Lea Thompson and Nick Chinlund have cameos, things go a little sideways. Not to spoil the movie for you, but the mother comes onto our lead character, her daughter walks in on them, and then he has to fight his way out of the house, and I’m leaving a lot of the details out on purpose because you will enjoy the entire scene and I don’t want to ruin it for you.

It’s time for me to introduce to you Simon who is played by Kyle Gallner, an actor you might recall from Smile and Scream. He’s our main character and there is something about him but I’ll get to that in a minute. This is a character who is bat-shit crazy and at first, I thought Dinner in America was just going for bizarre and unexpected. He cashes his check, buys drugs, and runs from cops for a reason we have yet to find out. But that leads him to bump into Patty, an awkward girl who gets picked on by two guys in matching uniforms and has a particularly boring home life. But there is something about her as well.

She’s into a band called PSYOPS, and they have a gig coming up that she wants to see. When she asks her parents if she can go to the show, they talk themselves around in circles about strobe lights and then deny her innocent request. Here’s the thing, Patty is played by Emily Skeggs, an actual singer who has also starred in such movies as When We Rise and Don’t Think Twice as well as the Broadway musical Fun Home where she played one of the Alison’s and was nominated for a Tony.

This movie does take unexpected turns, and it does bring on the bizarre but in the most welcome way as these two get into some things that make the movie so interesting to watch. They exact revenge on our two bullies I mentioned earlier, but in such a hilarious way. He fights for her, and she learns how to come out of her awkward shell to fight for him, and in all this mix they catch real feelings for each other.

The kicker is that Simon is the lead singer of PSYOPS, but she doesn’t know that until he tells her because he wears a mask on stage. No one knows his actual identity. She’s been sending him lyrics to songs that she writes along with Polaroid photos she takes of herself and he doesn’t realize his biggest fan is her until she asks him to take her to the show, a show he knows nothing about because he was in a clinical test when the other band members set up the gig.

There is heart in this movie and it takes a moment for that point to set in because you’ll be enjoying watching these scenes unfold and it sneaks up on you. There is more going on here than just two people who don’t fit in finding their way together. Nothing sums this up more than a beautiful scene where he digs through those letters and finds one of the songs she wrote for him. In his bedroom at his family’s house where he really isn’t welcome, he has a recording studio where he lays down the drum tracks, follows that with the base, and then adds a guitar riff.

Then, he asks her to sing her song. It’s a moment and I have to tell you it hits deep.

Simon: That was tits.
Patty: Is tits good?
Simon: Yeah. Tits is good.

If you’d like to enjoy this movie, it’s on Hulu. But take a second and watch this scene first. I love this part.

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Published on November 16, 2023 04:18

November 13, 2023

The Irony Of Letting A Murderer Out Of Prison Because It Could Kill Him

No one ever said that prison life was nice. But this story is ridiculous beyond all stretches of the imagination.

It is the saddest story about breadcrumbs that I have ever heard. Dimitri Fricano was on vacation with his girlfriend, Erika Preti. They were in Sardinia, seemingly enjoying a good time, when all that changed in the blink of an eye. The story goes that he was on the bed in their hotel eating, and she started complaining about the mess he was making.

So, he got up and stabbed her…57 times. Because when someone is complaining about breadcrumbs, you have to stab them 57 times. Erika’s life was taken from her that day, and no one had a chance to plead her case or fight for her life.

But Dimitri gets that luxury. The incident happened in 2017, and it took until 2019 for his case to go to court, where he was convicted of murder and sentenced to 30 years in prison. However, because of COVID, he didn’t even step inside one until April 2022. He was 260 lbs. at the time he went in, and because of the diet, he has fattened up to a nice plump 440 lbs.

Because of health concerns, they are going to let him out of prison to serve the rest of his time under house arrest at his parent’s house. The prison appears to be unable to provide him with the food he needs to keep his weight down. In fact, they are concerned the diet will kill him. How ironic is that? A convicted murderer is being let out of prison because they have concerns that the diet might kill him!

I have a better idea! Make him work for the food he needs in order to keep his weight down. It’s always about money, and if the prison can’t afford the food for the special diet he needs, there are other ways to pay for it. Either his parents could cut a check to buy the food, or they could put him to work within the prison where he is able to generate the extra money he needs to keep himself healthy.

Instead, he gets to go home and hang out with his parents, play video games, and eat great food that his Momma makes. He’s a convicted murderer, and he’s being handed the easiest sentence I have ever seen in my life. He is in Italy, though, and that’s their decision. Don’t expect to get away with that in America. At least, I don’t think we’d ever do something that ridiculous. Of course, I’m surprised every day. I wouldn’t completely rule it out.

After having a news story when it first broke translated from Italian to English, it appears he tried to blame the murder on a burglar, but obviously, that didn’t add up. There was too much evidence to prove he was full of it.

Disclaimer: It’s not the smoothest translation, but if you can get over a few hiccups, the story is all there.

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Published on November 13, 2023 21:04

November 10, 2023

Spotlight On Angela Nikolau And The Most Dangerous Selfie

Angela Nikolau is living her best life, taking pictures and videos of herself in some of the most exciting and beautiful places in the world. But she has attracted most of her attention by living dangerously, and I mean doing extremely dangerous stunts for the likes.

Angela Nikolau is a Russian blogger, but she could be a model. Her Wikipedia page lists her modeling work with such brands as “Cartier, Kenzo, Adidas, Calvin Klein, Samsung, Pandora, Jo Malone, and Formula I.” But then it states that there is no citation for that. While there are plenty of websites out there referring to her as a model, there isn’t any evidence that she’s ever worked in the industry. All I’m trying to say is she could.

Angela Nikolau living on the edge

Yes, modeling could be in her future if she wanted it. But I think she’s just having too much fun taking selfies all around the world and being her own boss. She goes to concerts, and she brings her energy. She goes to the beach, and she brings her beauty. She gets to do what she wants to do, and there is good money in what she’s doing, especially when she’s been doing it as long as she has and has gained over 700K followers. This is her first Instagram post from ten years ago.

Looking through her photos on Instagram, which is like a bottomless pit of awesome experiences, she has a love for art and stunning beauty. But there is a dark side to her, and it often comes out in mysterious ways.

Her dark side often shows itself in her breathtaking selfies from some of the highest places in the world. When I first saw this selfie, the first thought I had was how in the world she avoided a sudden gust of wind blowing through and taking her to her death. This is the selfie that has been noted by various publications as “The Most Dangerous Selfie In The World.”

Sometimes, she puts her life in someone else’s hands.

But most of the time, she takes all the risks herself.

And to be honest, it was after looking through all her work that here is where I fell in love.

And for bonus material, watch her ride away…

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Published on November 10, 2023 02:16

November 8, 2023

Went To The Hospital For A Stress Test And Boy Did It Work

I got the call the day before from the doctor who would be performing my stress test at the hospital. He asked a hundred questions about my diet and my daily routine, and then he told me that I couldn’t eat or drink twelve hours before the appointment.

I don’t know about you, but going twelve hours without food is already enough to turn me into a grizzly bear. The thing is that once I got to the hospital, I knew there were going to be a few more hours that I was going to have to go without eating. Thinking about that all night kept me tossing and turning. I didn’t get any sleep. This was torture.

When I finally nodded off, it felt like only five minutes later when my alarm clock started screaming in my ears. I woke up tired and hungry and there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn’t even drink a cup of coffee. This was cruel and unusual punishment.

For once in my life, I couldn’t wait to get to the hospital. I just wanted to get this all over with and grab two cheeseburgers, a bunch of fries, maybe some cheese sticks, a slice of pizza…etc. The more I thought about it, the more my stomach growled all the way to the hospital.

When I walked into Cardio, there was one nurse behind the desk and a security guard who was half asleep. I waited, and I waited, and I waited, and I waited. It felt like it would take forever for the nurse to finally call my name, and then when she did, she had a baffled look on her face.

“Mr. Allen,” she asked.

“Yes, that’s me,” I answered.

“You don’t have an appointment,” she said. She started typing into the computer.

“What,” I asked with a slight pitch in my voice.

“Uh, you were supposed to be here yesterday,” she added.

“What,” the pitch got a little higher. “No. No, the doctor called me yesterday to make sure I was aware of my appointment today.”

“Um, I don’t have a record of that,” she said as she looked me straight in the eyes. Then, she handed me a sheet of paper, “Here’s your bill for your missed appointment.”

“What,” a new higher-pitched noise escaped my lips. “A bill? For what?”

“For the appointment you missed yesterday,” she said with the most stoic face I have ever seen.

“I didn’t,” I started to say as the heat in my neck was letting a little steam escape. “I didn’t,” I tried to start again but I was seriously trying to hold back from yelling or saying something that I knew I would regret. “I didn’t…miss…my…appointment! It’s today!”

“It’s okay,” she said with a relaxed tone, as if she didn’t understand the weight of my frustration. “We’ll just reschedule you. In the meantime, we’ll let your insurance company take care of that bill, and everything will work out just fine. All you have to do is cover the deductible. No big deal.”

My eyes went wide, and I could actually see myself strangling her. The veins in my neck started popping out first, and the next to follow were the ones at my temples. My entire face went red as I was clenching my fists as tight as I could. The world almost went completely blank.

“Okay, test him. He’s good,” the nurse ordered.

They quickly strapped monitors on my arms and stuck one to my chest as they watched the machine do its calculating. She recorded the numbers and then she smiled at me, “All done. Would you like a cup of coffee? It looks like you could use a cup of coffee.”

My vision started to come back as the dreams of killing everyone and everything began to fade. I shook my head, still not fully in control of my body. As she handed me the coffee, my hand was shaking and some of it spilled onto the floor. That’s when the thought occurred to me, “So, that’s the stress test?”

“Yes. You did very good. Your numbers are great. But we’ll know more after we take a more thorough look,” she answered.

“Oh, you guys got me,” I looked at her with half a smile, “You guys got me good.” As she looked back at me with a smile and question in her eyes, I asked, “Where’s your cafeteria?”

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Published on November 08, 2023 00:29

November 6, 2023

Thanksgiving Movies To Watch Instead Of Rushing Christmas

Mariah Carey was thawed out of a block of ice as midnight of Halloween had just passed, totally disregarding that Thanksgiving was next. “All I Want for Christmas Is You” is a Christmas song and all I want is for my holidays to be celebrated in order.

I’m not a “Bah Humbug” kind of guy at all. I love Christmas time. I just don’t think it starts in September when some stores start putting up their decorations. Halloween is a great holiday where we get to explore that inner dark side of ourselves and eat all the candy we want. Then comes Thanksgiving, the national holiday of food and football. It’s a very special holiday that should not be looked over and it shouldn’t have to share with anything else. Christmas comes in December and if it were contained to just that month, it would be appreciated even more because of how quickly it comes and goes rather than how soon it arrives and lingers.

But, no! We already have Christmas movies playing on various channels with their ugly sweaters and white Christmas scenes of the powerful business lady who has to leave her high-power firm to travel home to some small town to sort out her family affairs, suffer intolerable conditions of slow internet and blocked roads trapping her there, and then she falls in love with the first guy she met when she arrived but they didn’t get along because he was a simple small town fellow who dared to offer her help when she clearly needed it.

This year, let’s break the cycle. Instead of watching Christmas movies in November, let’s check out Thanksgiving movies instead. There are a few although the selection is slim. Christmas movies have always sold more and with a cookie-cutter template, they can shoot those babies out all day. But if we change things, Thanksgiving movies can rise up and take back November.

A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving

We start off with a Thanksgiving classic already in place. Released in 1973, the Peanuts comic strip comes to life as Snoopy takes center stage but the gang is all there each with their own little idiosyncrasies. This Thanksgiving special has kept children captivated for decades and as adults, it doesn’t hurt to revisit an old tale that takes us back to our childhoods when we sat on the floor in front of the TV with a bowl of popcorn watching kids come and go as they pleased without any adult supervision.

Addams Family Values

Instead of It’s A Wonderful Life, for November Addams Family Values seems to be a more appropriate flick. It’s the wonderful cast made up of Anjelica Huston, Raul Julia, Christopher Lloyd, Joan Cusack, and Carol Kane that takes this movie above and beyond prior Addams Family productions. Christina Ricci rules as Wednesday years before Jenna Ortega came along and stole the show. And yes, something about Thanksgiving is in it. Of course.

Son-in-Law

November isn’t the right time to watch A Christmas Story. So, I suggest Son-in-Law instead where the hilarious Pauly Shore is taken out of his wildlife in L.A. to enjoy Thanksgiving break in South Dakota with a farmgirl he met in college. He helped when she felt out of place in the big city and it’s her turn to make him feel at home with her family. Just imagine, Pauly Shore doing chores on the farm. Now, you get it.

Mistress America

This list is off and running but it’s time for us to take an interesting turn into the life of a student struggling to find her place in college. This one has comedy, family drama, and backstabbing that gives the story its rich depth. The ups and downs through thinly veiled relationships and the scandalous twists that push this story along make it the perfect Thanksgiving movie because all of our families are different and we each celebrate this time of year in our own way.

The Object of My Affection

Jump into a sweet romance with two of your favorites, Jennifer Aniston and Paul Rudd. Instead of Mike and Phoebe, it’s Mike and Rachel in this awkward rom-com about Nina and her gay roommate she begins to have feelings for. When she becomes pregnant, he vows to help her raise the child but eventually, drama comes into the picture when he meets the man of his dreams, and she begins to realize her feelings for him. Oh, and they have Thanksgiving dinner somewhere in the movie.

The Vicious Kind

This is another family twist to the traditional grub holiday where a guy brings his girlfriend to meet the family and celebrate the feast. What a celebration they have too with an older brother who doesn’t think that highly of women while his younger brother’s girlfriend looks awfully a lot like his cheating ex-girlfriend. Feelings start to fly and Emma finds herself the object of too many men’s infatuation. With Adam Scott, Brittany Snow, J.K. Simmons, and Alex Frost playing the four main characters, you’re in for a great Thanksgiving flick.

The House of Yes

The House of Yes brings dark comedy to another story of a man who brings his fiance home to meet the family and thinks that the holiday is the best time to do that. Parker Posey plays Jackie-O, a lady who has an unhealthy obsession with Jackie Onassis and who has just been released from a psychiatric hospital. Upon meeting the fiance, she decides she’s going to break up her brother’s relationship. In a movie darkened by an incestuous relationship and an affair, something special is in the air.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

Take yourself back to when John Candy and Steve Martin were only trying to get home for the holiday. But nothing they tried seemed to work. They try everything and encounter hilarious problem after hilarious problem along the way like when John wakes up and thinks his hands are between two pillows but sadly, that’s not the case.

Scent of a Woman

Al Pacino and Chris O’Donnell star in this powerful piece of cinema history where a young man takes on the responsibility of looking after an elderly geezer who is tough and battle-worn. He proves to be quite a handful for the struggling prep school student who is facing disciplinary action for the crimes of other privileged backstabbing kids. Instead of making things easy, the old man takes the young fellow to New York where he has a special set of plans that could change the kid’s life forever. It happens over Thanksgiving, so there’s that.

Home For The Holidays

To get back on the lighter side of things, Holly Hunter and Robert Downey Jr. play brother and sister in this dysfunctional family where everything that could go wrong does go wrong. It’s an American Thanksgiving and it has all the bells and whistles. Fighting over a football game. The dropped turkey in the kitchen. People who you want to spend time with over the holidays but they don’t want to spend that time with you. It’s all there in one comedy that finds a way to have heart.

A Gallery Of Great Thanksgiving Shots

via Paramount

via Miramax Films

via Twentieth Century Fox

via Paramount Pictures

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Published on November 06, 2023 19:08

October 19, 2023

Mad Scientists Have Brought Spider Corpses Back To Life, In A Way

Here’s a Halloween story for you if you want to hear one, only it’s very true. Mad scientists, Faye Yap and Daniel Preston, have found a way to reanimate spider corpses and they think they have a really good reason for doing it.

Can you imagine living all your life climbing things and biting people, making webs and eating flies. Then, one day you die and think that’s it. You’re in your final resting place with your legs curled up to your body and you’re thinking, you’ve lived a full life. You’re happy.

Then all of a sudden, your dead legs start moving again. You have no control over it. You are being controlled by a puppetmaster who has designs for how to use your body. Now, you’re under the control of mad scientists who are using your body for their will.

What are they going to do with you? Are they going to have you walk the earth biting as many people as you can? Are they going to turn you into a web designer, an occupation you had never considered while you were alive? But what do you know about the internet?

While the mad scientists are using your body for whatever they want, it’s decomposing. It’s being eaten from the inside out and that’s a video we need to see. It’s Halloween and that’s what we watch this time of year.

Actually, the mad scientists have a totally different idea in mind. They are using the spider’s natural hydraulic system to pick up small items. That’s it. That’s the study. They don’t need to create small hydraulic systems that can grip small things when they can simply manipulate a dead spider’s body to do it.

Amazing stuff, really! You know, if you’re into that sort of thing. I like my idea better. The thought of having mad scientists create zombie spiders in their dark labs is too good. If there was anything else in this world, I would want that to happen.

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Published on October 19, 2023 10:07

October 16, 2023

When A Bird Is The Solution To Your Money Problems

The solution to your money problems just flew in the window. All you need is a bird or a specific type of bird.

This is no joke as you’ll soon see when you watch the video below. Someone has a bird that brings them money. Where they get it, that’s anyone’s guess.

Hopefully, the bird flies around town and looks for cash people have dropped. Because the bird doesn’t speak any human language, it doesn’t have the ability to find that person and return it, “Sir, you dropped this. This is yours, right?”

It would be a shame if the bird was flying around and just taking money out of people’s hands. That would be horrible. Imagine yourself pulling cash out of your pocket to pay for a hotdog and all of a sudden, it’s flying away in a bird’s mouth.

What I’d really like to know is how all this got started. Was there a training session? Did this person train the bird to go rummaging for cash and bring it back to the house? That would be awesome. I never knew I could just train a bird to fly around and get me stuff. I might have to take a walk one day and find me a bird.

This particular bird looks happy to do it and it looks like he’s been doing it for a long time. He’s not afraid of the dog when the little sniffer sticks her nose in there to see what’s going on. Plus, he knows where to put the money. He has a drawer where he’s been storing money for what looks like a while.

He definitely has a nice cash haul and that’s called hustling. I wonder what the bird gets after all that. If a bird is bringing me cash, he’s got the golden cage with meals prepared by a chef and a big screen TV to watch Howard the Duck, The Crow, The Angry Birds Movie, anything he wants.

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Published on October 16, 2023 09:25

October 14, 2023

Joel McHale Hosting ‘House of Villains’ Bloopers And Other Nonsense

Joel McHale found out real quick that hosting House of Villains was going to have its extremely difficult moments. After all, it’s called House of Villains.

Not House of Good People, House of Saints, or House of Professionals. It’s House of Villains and it’s named that for a very good reason. The personalities who are on the show include Anfisa Arkhipchenko, Johnny Bananas, Shake Chatterjee, Jonny Fairplay, Bobby Lytes, Corinne Olympios, Omarosa Manigault Newman, Tiffany “New York” Pollard, Jax Taylor, and Tanisha Thomas. You might recall a few of those names because they tend to grab attention in any way that they can.

Some of them are actually despised by fans like when Jonny Fairplay made up the story of his grandmother passing away just to get attention. That’s the kind of thing you can expect from this show. Again, these are not the Taylor Swift or Beyonce “Grabbing Headlines” type of personalities. No. They have their own way of doing things.

Bobby Lytes didn’t even take the time to find out who Joel McHale is. He kept thinking the famous comedian standing by the pool asking everyone to come outside for the intro was Carson Daily. He said it so many times and even said it to Joel. Normally when someone makes a mistake, it’s okay. But stop talking about it. Don’t make a thing out of it. But, that’s Bobby for you.

Take after take after take, it was one thing after another to get the intro down. Omarosa just quit and headed back inside. She didn’t have time for all that.

Uh, you mean the show? You’re on the show and you don’t have time to do the show?

Jack Nicholson will do twenty takes after nailing the first one. He gives directors more than enough tape to make a great movie with all their footage. But Omarosa’s done before the director tells her she’s done. I wonder how long that’s going to last.

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Published on October 14, 2023 11:35

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Michael Allen Online

Michael Allen is the author of the newly released Joker Joker Deuce, a psychological thriller about a deranged internet stalker who uses apps to find anyone he wants at any time, his victims have no i ...more

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