Mark R. Hunter's Blog, page 21
January 21, 2022
Amazon Ads and Unsolvable Puzzles, But I Repeat Myself
I embarked on a fun experiment at the end of November, and by fun I mean it wasn't much fun, and by experiment I mean I had no idea what I was doing.
One of my goals has been to increase book sales, a goal for most authors. The problem is, when it comes to sales an author is competing with--well, almost all those other authors. Writers don't like to think of themselves as being in competition. Writing can be tough, and selling--well, that's way worse. So we support other writers, because we know just how hard it can be.
That doesn't change the fact that there are only so many readers, seemingly fewer all the time ... and a lot of those readers are writers. They can read only so many books--I only managed about a dozen or so last year. So, while we'd like all authors to succeed, we all have to fight to be heard ... I mean, read.
Social media, once a great way to get the word out, has in the last few years bombed. Why? Because the people who run social media sites have realized they can get money from people who are trying to get the word out. As a result, they've changed things around so that an author finds it almost impossible to reach people on the internet, unless they pony up some cash, first.
And most of us can't afford a pony.
So I tried promotion websites, and I tried Facebook Ads. Both gave me a few more sales, but not enough to justify the money I spent. Here's a fun fact, kids: If you spend more on advertising than you make in sales, it's bad. (It does sometimes work in the short term, like those "loss leaders" offered in stores.)
And so I turned to Amazon Ads.
Honestly, I'd rather sell direct, through our website or an independent bookstore. I'd also rather eat chocolate for all meals and be 25 years old again, forever. But never mind that--in this case we're talking about Amazon, the Godzilla of online selling. (I've heard Apple is the second biggest online bookseller.)
Figuring out how to run an Amazon ad is hard.
I mean, driving in a NASCAR race when you've never actually driven at all hard.
I had to learn about impressions, clicks, targeting, keywords, and, most important of all, ACOS.
That means Advertising Cost of Sales. In other words, how much does it cost you to sell a book? If ACOS is over 100, you're spending more money on ads than the book itself sells for. This is bad. If your ACOS is right at 100 you're still in trouble, because Amazon takes a cut--you're still spending more than your' making. The best number is right around 30, give or take, so you're making at least a little money.
I decided to experiment with my latest published novel, Coming Attractions. I set up an Amazon ad for the book, which hasn't sold a single copy through Amazon since November--of 2020.
On November 27 of 2021, my Coming Attractions e-book Amazon rating was 2,931,646. That's almost three million books selling better than mine. On November 28, the rating was 264,568. It peaked on New Year's Eve at 63,798. That was the book's highest Amazon ranking ever, including when it was first published--when I labored long hours to publicize it.
My goal for last year was to sell an average of one copy of our books every day. It didn't happen. In December it did: 37 e-book copies and two print copies of Coming Attractions, and one copy of The No-Campfire Girls sold in a little over thirty days.
After a few weeks of joy and celebration I checked my numbers, and what I found made me very unhappy.
I was indeed selling a lot of books, but when I checked the ACOS, I learned that for every 99 cent e-book I sold, I was spending almost nine dollars to advertise it. This, for those of you who don't care to do the math, is unsustainable, unless you're a millionaire who's not concerned about spending money. I'm not a millionaire. I don't think I'm even a thousandaire.
So, like any sharp businessman, I panicked.
I spent the next several days tweaking all the details, including the list of terms I mentioned earlier. My sales dropped, but as of the first full weekend of January I've gotten my ACOS down to 56%. For me that's about breaking even, so still not great, but at least I'm not bleeding money. They don't make bandages for that.
I'm going to try again, of course, this time going in a little wiser. I haven't decided whether to try one of my other published books, or wait until the next new one comes along, but for once in my life I haven't been cowed by math. Much. I should add that most people who use Amazon ads say it's pretty common to have high ACOS ... ACOS's? ... at first, although I suspect my early numbers would have made them faint.
If you decide to try it, my best advise is to learn everything you possibly can about the process, first. The homework might save you some cash. How have you other authors been doing in your sales attempts? Any tips?
http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/&quo... R Hunter"
One of my goals has been to increase book sales, a goal for most authors. The problem is, when it comes to sales an author is competing with--well, almost all those other authors. Writers don't like to think of themselves as being in competition. Writing can be tough, and selling--well, that's way worse. So we support other writers, because we know just how hard it can be.
That doesn't change the fact that there are only so many readers, seemingly fewer all the time ... and a lot of those readers are writers. They can read only so many books--I only managed about a dozen or so last year. So, while we'd like all authors to succeed, we all have to fight to be heard ... I mean, read.
Social media, once a great way to get the word out, has in the last few years bombed. Why? Because the people who run social media sites have realized they can get money from people who are trying to get the word out. As a result, they've changed things around so that an author finds it almost impossible to reach people on the internet, unless they pony up some cash, first.
And most of us can't afford a pony.
So I tried promotion websites, and I tried Facebook Ads. Both gave me a few more sales, but not enough to justify the money I spent. Here's a fun fact, kids: If you spend more on advertising than you make in sales, it's bad. (It does sometimes work in the short term, like those "loss leaders" offered in stores.)
And so I turned to Amazon Ads.
Honestly, I'd rather sell direct, through our website or an independent bookstore. I'd also rather eat chocolate for all meals and be 25 years old again, forever. But never mind that--in this case we're talking about Amazon, the Godzilla of online selling. (I've heard Apple is the second biggest online bookseller.)
Figuring out how to run an Amazon ad is hard.
I mean, driving in a NASCAR race when you've never actually driven at all hard.
I had to learn about impressions, clicks, targeting, keywords, and, most important of all, ACOS.
That means Advertising Cost of Sales. In other words, how much does it cost you to sell a book? If ACOS is over 100, you're spending more money on ads than the book itself sells for. This is bad. If your ACOS is right at 100 you're still in trouble, because Amazon takes a cut--you're still spending more than your' making. The best number is right around 30, give or take, so you're making at least a little money.
I decided to experiment with my latest published novel, Coming Attractions. I set up an Amazon ad for the book, which hasn't sold a single copy through Amazon since November--of 2020.
On November 27 of 2021, my Coming Attractions e-book Amazon rating was 2,931,646. That's almost three million books selling better than mine. On November 28, the rating was 264,568. It peaked on New Year's Eve at 63,798. That was the book's highest Amazon ranking ever, including when it was first published--when I labored long hours to publicize it.
My goal for last year was to sell an average of one copy of our books every day. It didn't happen. In December it did: 37 e-book copies and two print copies of Coming Attractions, and one copy of The No-Campfire Girls sold in a little over thirty days.
After a few weeks of joy and celebration I checked my numbers, and what I found made me very unhappy.
I was indeed selling a lot of books, but when I checked the ACOS, I learned that for every 99 cent e-book I sold, I was spending almost nine dollars to advertise it. This, for those of you who don't care to do the math, is unsustainable, unless you're a millionaire who's not concerned about spending money. I'm not a millionaire. I don't think I'm even a thousandaire.
So, like any sharp businessman, I panicked.
I spent the next several days tweaking all the details, including the list of terms I mentioned earlier. My sales dropped, but as of the first full weekend of January I've gotten my ACOS down to 56%. For me that's about breaking even, so still not great, but at least I'm not bleeding money. They don't make bandages for that.
I'm going to try again, of course, this time going in a little wiser. I haven't decided whether to try one of my other published books, or wait until the next new one comes along, but for once in my life I haven't been cowed by math. Much. I should add that most people who use Amazon ads say it's pretty common to have high ACOS ... ACOS's? ... at first, although I suspect my early numbers would have made them faint.
If you decide to try it, my best advise is to learn everything you possibly can about the process, first. The homework might save you some cash. How have you other authors been doing in your sales attempts? Any tips?
http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/&quo... R Hunter"
January 17, 2022
The Headache Medicine That Gives You Headaches
Just a few medical thoughts shooting through my mind like a runaway bottle rocket (only the thoughts aren't as exciting). Come to think of it, fireworks were once involved in my medical condition, but never mind.
My annual major sinus infection has arrived, a bit later than usual, possibly as another way to welcome in the New Year. Because I'm having more pain and pressure this time (Naturally--it's the Roaring Pain 20s.), the Doc decided to put me on prednisone.
Despite my previous experience with the stuff.
Well, maybe it'll be different this time. After all, that's what people have been saying about 2022, isn't it?
"It has to be better than 2021!"
Hah. No, it doesn't.
The irony is that last time they gave me prednisone, several years ago, I was struck with one of the typical side effects: severe headache. So, to help my headache, I'm taking a med that gives me headaches.
Speaking of headaches, the morning I went to pick up the prednisone and my old friends, the antibiotics, we had an ice storm. It wasn't much of an ice storm, but I'm sure my walk to the car was a good preview of how I'll be walking when I'm 90, assuming a sinus infection hasn't killed me by then.
Bad weather, especially when it's cold, tends to give me ... sinus headaches.
Still, a lot of the really bad winter weather this year has been south of us. My humorist friend, Barry Parham, lives in South Carolina, and this year has seen five times the amount of snow we have. I hate snow. The only kind of precipitation I hate more is ... ice.
I survived the trip to pick up my meds (how ironic would it be if I didn't?), and my only near-collision was when I got buzzed by a speed skating competition. Then I came home, read the list of prednisone side-effects, and promptly called in sick on the assumption I'd get them all.
No, of course I didn't call in sick--I don't do that unless I'm running a fever, or missing both legs.(Maybe I would show up if I lost both legs. I've never tried it.) On the subject of showing up, the day before the ice storms I was exposed to someone who the next day tested positive for COVID.
Tell me again how wonderful 2022 is going to be.
I thought that would give me a week home to write, but no--unfortunately, I'm fully vaccinated, the person who tested positive just had their booster and is asymptomatic, and I'm just not that good at faking illness. Even my grandmother and the dog are feeling better.
Speaking of the dog, the veterinarian says the med she gave us for Beowulf tastes even worse than prednisone, and that's going some. How the vet knows that, I was afraid to ask.
This explains why we gave up trying to give him the pill in food (the dog, not the vet), and Emily had to resort to force. I mean, on the dog--I took mine voluntarily, and thus have no excuse. Emily correctly informed me that I'm not tough enough to do the job, which involves prying open Beowulf's jaws and shooting the pill in like a basketball. All she had to do was avoid the three-point bite.
(Our high school men's basketball team just won their conference championship, so I'm allowed to make a basketball joke even though I hate basketball.)
So, having left the second full week of the year behind, my impression remains the same as it did after the first week: 2022 sucks.
Unless you're a Central Noble basketball player. Or manufacture medicine.
http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/&quo... R Hunter"
My annual major sinus infection has arrived, a bit later than usual, possibly as another way to welcome in the New Year. Because I'm having more pain and pressure this time (Naturally--it's the Roaring Pain 20s.), the Doc decided to put me on prednisone.
Despite my previous experience with the stuff.
Well, maybe it'll be different this time. After all, that's what people have been saying about 2022, isn't it?
"It has to be better than 2021!"
Hah. No, it doesn't.
The irony is that last time they gave me prednisone, several years ago, I was struck with one of the typical side effects: severe headache. So, to help my headache, I'm taking a med that gives me headaches.
Speaking of headaches, the morning I went to pick up the prednisone and my old friends, the antibiotics, we had an ice storm. It wasn't much of an ice storm, but I'm sure my walk to the car was a good preview of how I'll be walking when I'm 90, assuming a sinus infection hasn't killed me by then.
Bad weather, especially when it's cold, tends to give me ... sinus headaches.
Still, a lot of the really bad winter weather this year has been south of us. My humorist friend, Barry Parham, lives in South Carolina, and this year has seen five times the amount of snow we have. I hate snow. The only kind of precipitation I hate more is ... ice.
I survived the trip to pick up my meds (how ironic would it be if I didn't?), and my only near-collision was when I got buzzed by a speed skating competition. Then I came home, read the list of prednisone side-effects, and promptly called in sick on the assumption I'd get them all.
No, of course I didn't call in sick--I don't do that unless I'm running a fever, or missing both legs.(Maybe I would show up if I lost both legs. I've never tried it.) On the subject of showing up, the day before the ice storms I was exposed to someone who the next day tested positive for COVID.
Tell me again how wonderful 2022 is going to be.
I thought that would give me a week home to write, but no--unfortunately, I'm fully vaccinated, the person who tested positive just had their booster and is asymptomatic, and I'm just not that good at faking illness. Even my grandmother and the dog are feeling better.
Speaking of the dog, the veterinarian says the med she gave us for Beowulf tastes even worse than prednisone, and that's going some. How the vet knows that, I was afraid to ask.
This explains why we gave up trying to give him the pill in food (the dog, not the vet), and Emily had to resort to force. I mean, on the dog--I took mine voluntarily, and thus have no excuse. Emily correctly informed me that I'm not tough enough to do the job, which involves prying open Beowulf's jaws and shooting the pill in like a basketball. All she had to do was avoid the three-point bite.
(Our high school men's basketball team just won their conference championship, so I'm allowed to make a basketball joke even though I hate basketball.)
So, having left the second full week of the year behind, my impression remains the same as it did after the first week: 2022 sucks.
Unless you're a Central Noble basketball player. Or manufacture medicine.
http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/&quo... R Hunter"
January 12, 2022
Injured Grandma, Sick Dog
Before we start, let me stress: Everyone's doing better.
So, how has 2022 been for you, so far? A rerun of the last two years? Me, too.
The first week of the year we had to take Beowulf to the animal hospital in Fort Wayne, and we returned just in time to learn my 96 year old grandmother was being taken to a human hospital with a possible broken hip. This was the day my three day work weekend started: Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, 12 hours each. Some of the kids at work like having more days off, but for me it takes a couple of days after to recover.
But never mind that, the important stuff is as follows: Grandma Nannie (Nannie is her real name) did not have a broken hip, although she did bang it up pretty good. She's going to have to have physical therapy, and as a person married to someone who just finished that, I can tell you it's no fun even for someone younger.
But the good news is that for rehab she's been transferred to Lutheran Life Villages in Kendallville, where she's stayed before, and so at least is not in a pandemic overwhelmed hospital.
I found out about her fall when I got to work Friday night. Earlier in the day I'd laid down to take my pre-work nap, but after about an hour Emily woke me to say the dog needed to go to the vet. Waking me and using the word "vet" are not things she takes lightly.
We had a chore getting Beowulf in the car, and they had to take him into the animal hospital on a cot. If you're not a pet lover, you might not understand just how distressing that is. Well ... it is.
He kept throwing up and stumbling into things, veering constantly to the left. He was like a drunk Democrat. ('Cause--left. It's a joke, like when I had a right leaning lawn mower.) The verdict: Vertigo. The Doc said he had a neurological condition (dog, not Doc), which comes in two types: The "In a few days he'll start doing better" type, or the "would you prefer burial or cremation" type. After numerous tests, the Doc thought it was the "good" one.
With me working twelve hour shifts all weekend, which I can only handle with a dose of melatonin and ten hours of strange dreams in between, it was left to Emily to nurse poor Beowulf through the weekend.
Granted that once the meds took effect he slept a lot, but she had to be near him the whole time for when he woke up and tried to stagger around. Also, she had to give him the meds that we couldn't sneak into food, because the meds made him lose his appetite. Personally, I think she deserves a reward other than a good night's sleep, which she also deserves. Cheesecake?
So that's how the opening of 2022 went for us. Everyone seems on the road to recovery, so I guess you could call that a win, although I'd just as soon not have things like this happen to begin with.
http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/&quo... R Hunter"
So, how has 2022 been for you, so far? A rerun of the last two years? Me, too.
The first week of the year we had to take Beowulf to the animal hospital in Fort Wayne, and we returned just in time to learn my 96 year old grandmother was being taken to a human hospital with a possible broken hip. This was the day my three day work weekend started: Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, 12 hours each. Some of the kids at work like having more days off, but for me it takes a couple of days after to recover.
But never mind that, the important stuff is as follows: Grandma Nannie (Nannie is her real name) did not have a broken hip, although she did bang it up pretty good. She's going to have to have physical therapy, and as a person married to someone who just finished that, I can tell you it's no fun even for someone younger.
But the good news is that for rehab she's been transferred to Lutheran Life Villages in Kendallville, where she's stayed before, and so at least is not in a pandemic overwhelmed hospital.
I found out about her fall when I got to work Friday night. Earlier in the day I'd laid down to take my pre-work nap, but after about an hour Emily woke me to say the dog needed to go to the vet. Waking me and using the word "vet" are not things she takes lightly.
We had a chore getting Beowulf in the car, and they had to take him into the animal hospital on a cot. If you're not a pet lover, you might not understand just how distressing that is. Well ... it is.
He kept throwing up and stumbling into things, veering constantly to the left. He was like a drunk Democrat. ('Cause--left. It's a joke, like when I had a right leaning lawn mower.) The verdict: Vertigo. The Doc said he had a neurological condition (dog, not Doc), which comes in two types: The "In a few days he'll start doing better" type, or the "would you prefer burial or cremation" type. After numerous tests, the Doc thought it was the "good" one.
With me working twelve hour shifts all weekend, which I can only handle with a dose of melatonin and ten hours of strange dreams in between, it was left to Emily to nurse poor Beowulf through the weekend.
Granted that once the meds took effect he slept a lot, but she had to be near him the whole time for when he woke up and tried to stagger around. Also, she had to give him the meds that we couldn't sneak into food, because the meds made him lose his appetite. Personally, I think she deserves a reward other than a good night's sleep, which she also deserves. Cheesecake?
So that's how the opening of 2022 went for us. Everyone seems on the road to recovery, so I guess you could call that a win, although I'd just as soon not have things like this happen to begin with.
http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/&quo... R Hunter"
January 3, 2022
movie review: Spider Man: No Way Home
This is going to be a short one, because I don't like to put spoilers in my reviews--and "Spider-Man: No Way Home" is about as chock full of spoilers as any movie could be. Still, I should get something out of almost getting killed on the way home from the theater, so here goes.
At the close of "Spider Man: Far From Home" the duel lives of Peter Parker (Tom Holland, still my favorite Spider-Man) are revealed, and all the world knows he's a superhero. It doesn't go well. But then, nothing is ever easy for Peter. Casting around for a solution, Peter thinks: "Hey--casting. I'll talk to Doctor Strange!" (See what I did there?)
Strange (Benedict Cumberbatch) feels grateful for Peter helping with that whole Thanos thing, so despite dire warnings he agrees to cast a spell that will make everyone forget Peter and Spidey are one in the same. But--again--things go horribly wrong, when Peter keeps wanting to make exceptions during the spell casting. Soon other realities are opening, forcing Strange, Peter, and his friends to fight a multitude of new challenges to keep the entire universe from unraveling.
Nothing like high stakes.
Now, chances are good that if you're interested in this movie, you're already aware of major reveals and surprise characters that pop up here. Just the same, I don't want to ruin the fun, so I'll just say "Spider-Man: No Way Home" is ... well, fun. I expected that.
What I didn't expect was the depth of characters, and the truly heart-rending moments that people who don't watch "comic book movies" would be surprised about. (Marvel fans know that, of course, having shed more than a tear or two over character deaths and other tragedies. Jeeze, Thanos, who didn't you just ask for twice the resources?)
Marvel has an uncanny ability to fit in a proverbial cast of thousands, and still have a coherent plot and great character moments. Here that makes for the best of the Spider-Man movies, and one of the better MCU flicks. I should have seen that coming, since Spidey always has a lot of heart--that's his real attraction.
My only caveat: To fully appreciate this movie, you really need to go back and watch all the previous Spider-Man movies--even though technically most weren't set in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I've missed one, although I didn't have trouble keeping up, but it's a lot more fun if you see what's come before.
My score:
Entertainment Value: 5 out of 4 M&Ms. Because it's my rating system, and I can. It was totally worth holding my bladder, and then almost dying in a snowstorm.
Oscar Potential: 3 out of 4 M&Ms. In addition to the usual--effects and such--several of the performances here are at the Academy level, although I can't mention most of them because--spoilers. But the Academy will, of course, nominate movies they love: Slow and downbeat.
http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/&quo... R Hunter"
At the close of "Spider Man: Far From Home" the duel lives of Peter Parker (Tom Holland, still my favorite Spider-Man) are revealed, and all the world knows he's a superhero. It doesn't go well. But then, nothing is ever easy for Peter. Casting around for a solution, Peter thinks: "Hey--casting. I'll talk to Doctor Strange!" (See what I did there?)
Strange (Benedict Cumberbatch) feels grateful for Peter helping with that whole Thanos thing, so despite dire warnings he agrees to cast a spell that will make everyone forget Peter and Spidey are one in the same. But--again--things go horribly wrong, when Peter keeps wanting to make exceptions during the spell casting. Soon other realities are opening, forcing Strange, Peter, and his friends to fight a multitude of new challenges to keep the entire universe from unraveling.
Nothing like high stakes.
Now, chances are good that if you're interested in this movie, you're already aware of major reveals and surprise characters that pop up here. Just the same, I don't want to ruin the fun, so I'll just say "Spider-Man: No Way Home" is ... well, fun. I expected that.
What I didn't expect was the depth of characters, and the truly heart-rending moments that people who don't watch "comic book movies" would be surprised about. (Marvel fans know that, of course, having shed more than a tear or two over character deaths and other tragedies. Jeeze, Thanos, who didn't you just ask for twice the resources?)
Marvel has an uncanny ability to fit in a proverbial cast of thousands, and still have a coherent plot and great character moments. Here that makes for the best of the Spider-Man movies, and one of the better MCU flicks. I should have seen that coming, since Spidey always has a lot of heart--that's his real attraction.
My only caveat: To fully appreciate this movie, you really need to go back and watch all the previous Spider-Man movies--even though technically most weren't set in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I've missed one, although I didn't have trouble keeping up, but it's a lot more fun if you see what's come before.
My score:
Entertainment Value: 5 out of 4 M&Ms. Because it's my rating system, and I can. It was totally worth holding my bladder, and then almost dying in a snowstorm.
Oscar Potential: 3 out of 4 M&Ms. In addition to the usual--effects and such--several of the performances here are at the Academy level, although I can't mention most of them because--spoilers. But the Academy will, of course, nominate movies they love: Slow and downbeat.
http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/&quo... R Hunter"
December 29, 2021
Don't Be Too Quick to Welcome 2022
2021 sucked.
I mean, totally blew, as the kids say, which is the same as sucked in the same way people use flammable and inflammable. On a related note, 2021 was both flammable and inflammable.
And yes, it was worse than 2020. At least it was to me, starting with my brother's death and ending with my wife in physical therapy. The physical therapist people are very nice, by the way, but I'd rather meet them in a social situation.
Not that anyone was allowed to be in social situations.
One of the reasons 2021 was so bad is because everybody thought it would be so good. "I can't wait for 2021! It has to be better than this."
The first time I heard that, sometime around the summer of 2020, I knew we were in trouble. Very few of the things that started then are the kind of problems that disappear when the ball drops. Pandemics, inflation, shortages--read your history, people. At that point I started lecturing everyone to watch out! 2020 was the second Matrix movie, and 2021 would be the third one.
(For those of you who aren't aware, they sucked. And blew.)
I'm a fan of being upbeat, but you have to be a realist, too. The way people thought in 2020 reminded me of what happens on my job whenever someone says "It's quiet" or, while escaping at the end of their shift, "Have a quiet night!" It's the equivalent of that old Chinese curse, "May you live in interesting times".
Saying the word "quiet" in a 911 center is the verbal equivalent of pulling the pin on a grenade and rolling it into the room. So all of you, keep your gosh-darn mouths shut.
You know, I didn't even get a new book published that year, for the first time since 2011. That's a small thing compared to everything else going on, but it's a symptom of what I'm going to call "Two Thousand Sucky-One", because I can, and it was. By the way, as I write this it's still 2021, and I have another sinus infection.
Yes, it IS related.
"2022 has to be better, right?"
"Yeah, it'll be quiet." *pulls pin* "Fire in the hole!"
No. No, it doesn't have to be better. Could it be worse? Yes, yes it could. I can picture the old man representing 2021, stumbling toward the exit, broken, bleeding, covered in boils, only to meet the infant 2022 coming in. 2022 takes one look, fills his diapers, and says, "Um, maybe I should go back and gestate for a few more months."
I'll bet the dinosaurs were fighting a pandemic the year before the asteroid struck. And do you know what survived that extinction event? That's right: the virus.
The murder hornet is still out there. Politicians are proof snakes are mammals, because they're still blowing hot air. All the Kardashians are still alive. But maybe they're all distractions. What's next? Super Volcano in Yellowstone? Earthquake off Washington State? Another election? And that's just this country.
So Happy New Year, and fingers crossed. Fuel your generators, stock up on water and masks, and barricade your doors because, the way things are going, door to door salesmen will come back into vogue.
Which would suck ... and blow.
I mean, totally blew, as the kids say, which is the same as sucked in the same way people use flammable and inflammable. On a related note, 2021 was both flammable and inflammable.
And yes, it was worse than 2020. At least it was to me, starting with my brother's death and ending with my wife in physical therapy. The physical therapist people are very nice, by the way, but I'd rather meet them in a social situation.
Not that anyone was allowed to be in social situations.
One of the reasons 2021 was so bad is because everybody thought it would be so good. "I can't wait for 2021! It has to be better than this."
The first time I heard that, sometime around the summer of 2020, I knew we were in trouble. Very few of the things that started then are the kind of problems that disappear when the ball drops. Pandemics, inflation, shortages--read your history, people. At that point I started lecturing everyone to watch out! 2020 was the second Matrix movie, and 2021 would be the third one.
(For those of you who aren't aware, they sucked. And blew.)
I'm a fan of being upbeat, but you have to be a realist, too. The way people thought in 2020 reminded me of what happens on my job whenever someone says "It's quiet" or, while escaping at the end of their shift, "Have a quiet night!" It's the equivalent of that old Chinese curse, "May you live in interesting times".
Saying the word "quiet" in a 911 center is the verbal equivalent of pulling the pin on a grenade and rolling it into the room. So all of you, keep your gosh-darn mouths shut.
You know, I didn't even get a new book published that year, for the first time since 2011. That's a small thing compared to everything else going on, but it's a symptom of what I'm going to call "Two Thousand Sucky-One", because I can, and it was. By the way, as I write this it's still 2021, and I have another sinus infection.
Yes, it IS related.
"2022 has to be better, right?"
"Yeah, it'll be quiet." *pulls pin* "Fire in the hole!"
No. No, it doesn't have to be better. Could it be worse? Yes, yes it could. I can picture the old man representing 2021, stumbling toward the exit, broken, bleeding, covered in boils, only to meet the infant 2022 coming in. 2022 takes one look, fills his diapers, and says, "Um, maybe I should go back and gestate for a few more months."
I'll bet the dinosaurs were fighting a pandemic the year before the asteroid struck. And do you know what survived that extinction event? That's right: the virus.
The murder hornet is still out there. Politicians are proof snakes are mammals, because they're still blowing hot air. All the Kardashians are still alive. But maybe they're all distractions. What's next? Super Volcano in Yellowstone? Earthquake off Washington State? Another election? And that's just this country.
So Happy New Year, and fingers crossed. Fuel your generators, stock up on water and masks, and barricade your doors because, the way things are going, door to door salesmen will come back into vogue.
Which would suck ... and blow.
December 24, 2021
What's Christmas All About?
I’ve always related to the cartoon character Charlie Brown.
I was the odd shaped kid, naïve, a little strange, unpopular. If I’d dared to manage a baseball team, it would have been the worst team on the planet. The little red haired girl was very nice, but clearly had no interest in me. I even had a white dog, although he slept inside the dog house.
So it’s not surprising that, like Charlie Brown, I can be a little cynical about Christmas. In today’s society, what’s Christmas all about?
Not long ago, a newspaper gave a “hiss” to people who put huge inflatable Christmas figures in their front yards. I understand (said the guy who had a huge inflatable Santa in his front yard until it died of old age). But can’t you overdo it just as much with more traditional Christmas decorations? If you fire up so many lights around the outside of your house that it sets off NORAD’s missile launch alarm, isn’t that just a bit gaudy? Is it entirely within the realm of good taste to replace the livestock in your nativity scene with reindeer and snowmen?
I love Christmas lights, but we can go way overboard, and start thinking Christmas is all about keeping up with the decorating Jones’s. When your decorations drain the North American power grid; when your electric meter flies off the side of the house and decapitates the courthouse clock tower; when Jennifer Lawrence shows up in a limo, thinking your home is the spotlit premier of her new movie; it’s time to think about cutting back.
The holidays have become make or break time for almost all of America’s retail establishments. If they don’t do well at Christmastime, you can forget the rest of the year. Is this the economic model we want to follow? Is this what Christmas is all about?
When the National Guard tries to break up a riot over the new X-Box, but is driven off by a rabid crowd; when the first Christmas displays of the year melt in the August heat; when the after-Thanksgiving sales begin at 4 a.m. the Friday before Thanksgiving; it’s time to rethink our priorities.
Meanwhile, we've become totally disconnected from what Christmas is supposed to be about. Naysayers will tell you many Christmas traditions have nothing to do with Christ, and they're right: The trappings aren't the point at all. It's about faith, something that can be appreciated just as well by non-Christians. But when your definition of faith means you’re confident you’ll get the new “Blood Splatter 3” game in your stocking, you could be in a very lonely place, indeed--maybe even if you don't realize it.
But so many people are in that place. Thinking about who has the better stuff, worried about nothing more than today, believing in nothing. Today’s cynicism eats into my feeble attempts at optimism, this cold, gray time of year. I wonder what it’s all about. Can anyone tell me what Christmas is really all about?
Of course, the little boy Linus walks up with his blanket, as he has in that Charlie Brown special for fifty-five years. Kids are honest; that’s both their blessing and their curse. They may not have the maturity or education of adults, but they also don’t have all that baggage that keeps some things from being black and white.
“Sure, Mark,” he says. “I can tell you what Christmas is all about:”
And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the fields, keeping watch over their flocks by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not, for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born in the City of Bethlehem, a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; you shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel, a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, “Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace, good will toward men.”
“That’s what Christmas is all about, Mark.”
Oh. Well, that makes a lot more sense than lights, toys, and shopping.
And then Linus goes off, to abide for another year in the hopes that, this time, we’ll take that Christmas spirit with us all year long.
Me? Like Charlie Brown, I may kill my little tree, or screw up directing the play. But, no matter what bad thing happens, I can’t help having an innate sense of optimism. When I hear a baby laugh, or smell a flower, or see a sunset, I can't imagine they weren't created by something greater than ourselves. But this world can be a better place if the good people of every religion, and who lack one, refuse to give up. We can still have peace and good will toward men, someday. We just have to keep the faith ... and the love, with is in many ways the same thing.
That’s what Christmas is all about.
http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/&quo... R Hunter"
I was the odd shaped kid, naïve, a little strange, unpopular. If I’d dared to manage a baseball team, it would have been the worst team on the planet. The little red haired girl was very nice, but clearly had no interest in me. I even had a white dog, although he slept inside the dog house.
So it’s not surprising that, like Charlie Brown, I can be a little cynical about Christmas. In today’s society, what’s Christmas all about?
Not long ago, a newspaper gave a “hiss” to people who put huge inflatable Christmas figures in their front yards. I understand (said the guy who had a huge inflatable Santa in his front yard until it died of old age). But can’t you overdo it just as much with more traditional Christmas decorations? If you fire up so many lights around the outside of your house that it sets off NORAD’s missile launch alarm, isn’t that just a bit gaudy? Is it entirely within the realm of good taste to replace the livestock in your nativity scene with reindeer and snowmen?
I love Christmas lights, but we can go way overboard, and start thinking Christmas is all about keeping up with the decorating Jones’s. When your decorations drain the North American power grid; when your electric meter flies off the side of the house and decapitates the courthouse clock tower; when Jennifer Lawrence shows up in a limo, thinking your home is the spotlit premier of her new movie; it’s time to think about cutting back.
The holidays have become make or break time for almost all of America’s retail establishments. If they don’t do well at Christmastime, you can forget the rest of the year. Is this the economic model we want to follow? Is this what Christmas is all about?
When the National Guard tries to break up a riot over the new X-Box, but is driven off by a rabid crowd; when the first Christmas displays of the year melt in the August heat; when the after-Thanksgiving sales begin at 4 a.m. the Friday before Thanksgiving; it’s time to rethink our priorities.
Meanwhile, we've become totally disconnected from what Christmas is supposed to be about. Naysayers will tell you many Christmas traditions have nothing to do with Christ, and they're right: The trappings aren't the point at all. It's about faith, something that can be appreciated just as well by non-Christians. But when your definition of faith means you’re confident you’ll get the new “Blood Splatter 3” game in your stocking, you could be in a very lonely place, indeed--maybe even if you don't realize it.
But so many people are in that place. Thinking about who has the better stuff, worried about nothing more than today, believing in nothing. Today’s cynicism eats into my feeble attempts at optimism, this cold, gray time of year. I wonder what it’s all about. Can anyone tell me what Christmas is really all about?
Of course, the little boy Linus walks up with his blanket, as he has in that Charlie Brown special for fifty-five years. Kids are honest; that’s both their blessing and their curse. They may not have the maturity or education of adults, but they also don’t have all that baggage that keeps some things from being black and white.
“Sure, Mark,” he says. “I can tell you what Christmas is all about:”
And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the fields, keeping watch over their flocks by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not, for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born in the City of Bethlehem, a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; you shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel, a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, “Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace, good will toward men.”
“That’s what Christmas is all about, Mark.”
Oh. Well, that makes a lot more sense than lights, toys, and shopping.
And then Linus goes off, to abide for another year in the hopes that, this time, we’ll take that Christmas spirit with us all year long.
Me? Like Charlie Brown, I may kill my little tree, or screw up directing the play. But, no matter what bad thing happens, I can’t help having an innate sense of optimism. When I hear a baby laugh, or smell a flower, or see a sunset, I can't imagine they weren't created by something greater than ourselves. But this world can be a better place if the good people of every religion, and who lack one, refuse to give up. We can still have peace and good will toward men, someday. We just have to keep the faith ... and the love, with is in many ways the same thing.
That’s what Christmas is all about.
http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/&quo... R Hunter"
Free Christmas Short Story--Merry Christmas!
I have a new (and free) short story up on the newsletter:
https://mailchi.mp/1a341fafb2bb/free-...
Because we all deserve a little free entertainment ... but especially this year. So here's the story of a man with a morally questionable past adjusting to a new life, and the extended family that welcomes him. (The characters are from the Storm Chaser stories, but beyond revealing the books have happy endings, there are no spoilers here.)
And don't forget the rest of our books--Merry Christmas!
http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/&quo... R Hunter"
https://mailchi.mp/1a341fafb2bb/free-...
Because we all deserve a little free entertainment ... but especially this year. So here's the story of a man with a morally questionable past adjusting to a new life, and the extended family that welcomes him. (The characters are from the Storm Chaser stories, but beyond revealing the books have happy endings, there are no spoilers here.)
And don't forget the rest of our books--Merry Christmas!
http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/&quo... R Hunter"
December 20, 2021
Happy Birthday, Emily!
Happy birthday to Emily, who was born on what’s usually the first day of winter—which I prefer to think of as the time when the days start getting longer. So--she's the harbinger of better days ahead. See what I did, there?
I still sometimes wonder why Emily said yes when I proposed. I was all the bad things: Old(er), poor, and lived in the north, where we could actually get snow tornadoes. I had the weird hours of a third shifter who’s also a struggling writer, and my hours have only gotten weirder since then.
Unknown to either of us, she signed on to become my editor, book designer, nurse, dog wrangler, traveling partner, photographer, best friend, and the love of my life, not at all in that order. She's the one who explained to me what Dad Jokes are, and that I tell them. What do I do in return? The dishes. That's not a fair trade, but she still loves me.
She pushes me in my writing career, and often out of my occasional (and mostly winter) funks. She's my inspiration. I could never have done our self-published books alone, which is why they're "our", and I'm not convinced I'd be published at all if she hadn't been there.
She's quite definitely my rock, my inspiration, the person who can best thump me on the back of the head when I'm acting up, and all that other mushy stuff.
Oh, and she's great with the grandkids ... but of course, she would be.
http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/&quo... R Hunter"
I still sometimes wonder why Emily said yes when I proposed. I was all the bad things: Old(er), poor, and lived in the north, where we could actually get snow tornadoes. I had the weird hours of a third shifter who’s also a struggling writer, and my hours have only gotten weirder since then.
Unknown to either of us, she signed on to become my editor, book designer, nurse, dog wrangler, traveling partner, photographer, best friend, and the love of my life, not at all in that order. She's the one who explained to me what Dad Jokes are, and that I tell them. What do I do in return? The dishes. That's not a fair trade, but she still loves me.
She pushes me in my writing career, and often out of my occasional (and mostly winter) funks. She's my inspiration. I could never have done our self-published books alone, which is why they're "our", and I'm not convinced I'd be published at all if she hadn't been there.
She's quite definitely my rock, my inspiration, the person who can best thump me on the back of the head when I'm acting up, and all that other mushy stuff.
Oh, and she's great with the grandkids ... but of course, she would be.
http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/&quo... R Hunter"
December 18, 2021
Another Christmas Parody Song
Last year I was inspired to write a parody holiday season song, and this year it appears I still haven't learned my lesson. Here's last year's effort:
https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/2020...
Again, I can't imagine anyone who's not in the emergency services will fully appreciate this, but that never stopped me before. I wrote new lyrics to the Christmas song "Happy Holiday/The Holiday Season”, dedicated to emergency telecommunicators out there--including those who, like me, still call themselves 911 dispatchers.
I'm 30 years on the job, so it's possible it's starting to get to me.
Crappy Holiday/The Dispatcher Season
(Sung to the tune of “Happy Holiday/The Holiday Season” … in Andy Williams’ voice.)
Crappy holiday,
crappy holiday
As the relatives keep drinking
Crappy holiday to you
It’s the family fight season
And Uncle Ted is coming ‘round
He gets so drunk that he falls to the ground
When old Teddy gets into town
He’ll be going to the jailhouse now
(He’ll be going to the jailhouse now)
https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8bUsKkmLjt...
It’s the drunken fight season
Your cousin Roy got into the booze
Wonder how many fights he will lose
He may show up on the evening news
He’ll be sleeping in the jailhouse now
(He’ll be sleeping in the jailhouse now)
Your nephew Jack is flat on his back
The football game didn’t go quite his way
So your old gram, a big Bears fan
put him underneath the Christmas tree
It’s the drunk driving season
An SUV, instead of a sleigh
Is hung up on your outside display
The guy inside thinks he’s in his driveway
He’ll be going to the jailhouse now
(He’ll be going to the jailhouse now)
Crappy holiday
(drunken holiday) Crappy holiday
Till the hangover takes over
Crappy holiday … to you!
Remember, every time you don't buy a book, the Grinch steals a tree.
http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/&quo... R Hunter"
https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/2020...
Again, I can't imagine anyone who's not in the emergency services will fully appreciate this, but that never stopped me before. I wrote new lyrics to the Christmas song "Happy Holiday/The Holiday Season”, dedicated to emergency telecommunicators out there--including those who, like me, still call themselves 911 dispatchers.
I'm 30 years on the job, so it's possible it's starting to get to me.
Crappy Holiday/The Dispatcher Season
(Sung to the tune of “Happy Holiday/The Holiday Season” … in Andy Williams’ voice.)
Crappy holiday,
crappy holiday
As the relatives keep drinking
Crappy holiday to you
It’s the family fight season
And Uncle Ted is coming ‘round
He gets so drunk that he falls to the ground
When old Teddy gets into town
He’ll be going to the jailhouse now
(He’ll be going to the jailhouse now)
https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8bUsKkmLjt...
It’s the drunken fight season
Your cousin Roy got into the booze
Wonder how many fights he will lose
He may show up on the evening news
He’ll be sleeping in the jailhouse now
(He’ll be sleeping in the jailhouse now)
Your nephew Jack is flat on his back
The football game didn’t go quite his way
So your old gram, a big Bears fan
put him underneath the Christmas tree
It’s the drunk driving season
An SUV, instead of a sleigh
Is hung up on your outside display
The guy inside thinks he’s in his driveway
He’ll be going to the jailhouse now
(He’ll be going to the jailhouse now)
Crappy holiday
(drunken holiday) Crappy holiday
Till the hangover takes over
Crappy holiday … to you!
Remember, every time you don't buy a book, the Grinch steals a tree.
http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/&quo... R Hunter"
December 13, 2021
30 Years In the Headphones
Hey, I almost forgot: December 13th marked my thirtieth anniversary working in Noble County Government!
It's complicated, because I spent the first few years working in the Noble County Jail, and thus can honestly say I spent time in jail. After that I moved to dispatch, which is now it's own department: Noble County Communications.
I was disappointed that there was no cake ... but then, I'm always disappointed when there's no cake.
Sometimes the job gets ... rough. I used to go home and scream into a pillow from time to time, but it upsets the dog. And I'll be the first to admit that I thought all along I'd be writing full time by now. But we have an important job, and I work with good people, and we have heat and air conditioning. Also my vacation days have reset, and there's something comforting about knowing if things get really stressful, I can take some time off to eat ... well, chocolate cake. Or brownies. With chocolate frosting.
Anyway, while I could have retired last year, I can only afford it if I supplement my retirement pay by selling, according to my estimation, a thousand books a week. Right now a good week is double digits.
But I'm working on it.
http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/&quo... R Hunter"
It's complicated, because I spent the first few years working in the Noble County Jail, and thus can honestly say I spent time in jail. After that I moved to dispatch, which is now it's own department: Noble County Communications.
I was disappointed that there was no cake ... but then, I'm always disappointed when there's no cake.
Sometimes the job gets ... rough. I used to go home and scream into a pillow from time to time, but it upsets the dog. And I'll be the first to admit that I thought all along I'd be writing full time by now. But we have an important job, and I work with good people, and we have heat and air conditioning. Also my vacation days have reset, and there's something comforting about knowing if things get really stressful, I can take some time off to eat ... well, chocolate cake. Or brownies. With chocolate frosting.
Anyway, while I could have retired last year, I can only afford it if I supplement my retirement pay by selling, according to my estimation, a thousand books a week. Right now a good week is double digits.
But I'm working on it.
http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/&quo... R Hunter"
