Mark R. Hunter's Blog, page 18

TrueHumor Features My True Humor, Truly

August is Mark Hunter month on Truehumor.com!

No, I'm not making this up. Why do people always laugh when I talk about humor? In fact, you can find it here:

https://www.truehumor.com/

Thanks go to Richard Magurno, who wanted to highlight the humor of real life, and maybe get people to lighten up a little. So he features one humorist a month--I assume, since August is my month. Although to be fair, August is usually pretty slow for everyone.

So he's rerunning three of what he thought were my funnier columns, and I think they're pretty good, too. Sometimes I'm write about these things. (See what I did, there?) Go check out his website, and support the other writers on there, too!


http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/&quo... R Hunter"

A Hypothetical Kneed For Down Time

Let's say some guy--not me, you understand, but just some hypothetical person--started to get a little ache in his knee. Maybe it started, for example, from lifting a sick 75 pound dog into a car, or maybe his job moved to a new place and he was climbing a lot of stairs he wasn't used to, something like that.

This is strictly hypothetical.

Now, let's say it got to hurting him, but after a couple of weeks it started getting better. So he--it could be a she--put on a knee brace and decided to mow his lawn, in the theory that it would test how serious this particular medical malfunction could be.

And let's say the next day this person couldn't walk.

Would you call this person an idiot?

You would? Oh. Well, it's hypothetical. Still, you'll be happy to know that you'd be in agreement with his wife, his dog, the doctor, and himself. But if this whole thing had actually happened, you can be sure he would have learned his lesson, especially when the pain got so bad he couldn't even sit propped in a chair, working on his writing, because it hurt to much to concentrate.

Hypothetically.

So that guy would probably suck it up, get the x-ray, take the pain med, and stay home in a chair with his foot propped up even if the weekend weather was great. There comes an age where you can't just push through this kind of thing, even if there are yards to mow and bushes to trim, and chores from last year he never got around to. It's hard for some people to not feel productive, in one way or another, but hey--there are always books to read.

Still, it makes a person think. That's more than this person was doing when he wore himself down to begin with.

Hypothetically.

Let's face it: It's not the dumbest thing this hypothetical personal ever did.


http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/&quo... R Hunter"

A Writer's Search History

With the dog and I both sick and the weather a study in hell, I haven't felt like going outside. The last time this happened, I spent a few days doing internet searches for:

Antique fire trucks, natural cliff climbing spots near Chicago, Harlequin Great Dane dogs, climbing and rappelling gear, highway cuts, dog lift harnesses, the most common Louisiana surnames, antique car restoration, and first names for men and women.

Either the infection reached my brain, or it was time for another novel research session.

Not that I don't have plenty of other work to do, in submitting, editing, and promoting other book projects. Oh, and my day job, which is at night. But when it comes to submitting, there's a certain amount of waiting involved, anyway. So I came up with an idea for a new story, and sometimes a writer just wants to kick back and do the fun stuff, which for me is researching, creating characters, and writing that first draft. I mean, fun when it's not frustrating.

At least I won't get as much Federal attention as when I started work on The Source Emerald, and researched such things as the FBI, jewel smuggling, cross country travel routes, and types of handguns.

So ... what kind of story should I research for next?



http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/&quo... R Hunter"

Pills Are Great, If They Don't Kill You

One thing about getting older is that you tend to know about all the medications out there. For one thing, they get advertised on what many people would consider "old person" TV channels: Science, History, National Geographic ... the channels I watch to learn things I didn't want to learn as a teenager.

"Have you been diagnosed with S.A.D.--Sad Acronym Disease? Ask your doctor if Incheeria might be right for you!"

The other thing, of course, is that we're now taking all those pills. I frequently have to ask my wife, "What's this med for, again?"

"It's for your memory, dear. Again."

The other day (or today, as I write this), I was introduced to one I'd never heard of. I stopped for my yearly visit to the allergy doctor, to confirm I still had allergies. When asked if I'd had any symptoms related to the whole respiratory system thing, I mentioned in passing that my sinus headaches had been increasing lately.

I hadn't given it much thought. I suffer from the Butterfly Effect: If a butterfly flaps its wings in South America, it will cause changes in weather patterns that will, sooner or later, hit my sinuses. Just another day in the Midwest, which has more spores and dander than the Great Lakes have sand.

I was being seen by a nurse practitioner--who was wonderful, by the way--named Ambush. Seriously. And she had an Army pin on her shirt, so even though she was nice and friendly, I had the strangest feeling Nurse Ambush could kill me with her pinkie. In a way she almost did, when she started pushing her finger into various places on my face.

Beats going to the urologist, anyway.

After I stopped screaming and begging for her to stop, she reminded me that people with strong allergies tend to get sinus infections easily, and guess what? As if I didn't already know.

She wrote me a prescription for, yes, an antibiotic ... but I'd never heard of this one. My regular doctor's office had heard of it, but they didn't have it. Why? "Well, we don't have a sealed, explosion proof vault."

That's when I started to get nervous.

Then I got the bottle.

First, the lid was actually bulging. I was worried it was over pressurized, but it turns out they were dead set--maybe I should rephrase that--on making sure I had enough to kick it this time.

Second, isn't that the color they give to pills that might kill people? I mean, I've seen blue and purple on the side of hazmat train cars.

Well, one of the possible side-effects is explosive diarrhea, so there's that.

I remained concerned, so I called my doctor for more information. When I told him the name and that it was 300 milligrams, he said, "You don't have children in the house, do you?"

Not unless you count me.

"Okay. I know this is going to seem counterintuitive, but these might make you very sick. Then they'll make you well, of course."

Should I avoid doing anything?

"Yes, you should."

Huh. Any other advise?

"Whatever you do, don't accidentally take two at once."

Why? What would happen?

"Have you ever heard the word Chernobyl?"

After that, I stopped asking questions.



http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/&quo... R Hunter"

This week's newsletter covers the summer doldrums, wet dogs, and Oz

This month's newsletter is out and about:

https://mailchi.mp/a19474764019/the-s...

What's the Oz connection, you ask? Well, it has nothing to do with Australia or prison TV shows. Otherwise it's just a little thing, but you have to read it to find out. *insert evil laughter here*

(Yes, I'm aware there are a couple of typos in it--but I can't edit them once it's out. *sigh*)


https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/im...


http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/&quo... R Hunter"

The Land of Independence, Opportunity, and Smallpox

I originally wrote this seven years ago, but few people read it because it's about history. Ironically, it was one of the last pieces I wrote before my newspaper column became history.

As I said in the opening of our book "Hoosier Hysterical", history would be a lot more fun if it was made ... well ... fun. So I had fun with this. (It's been changed slightly because I'm six years older.)

-----------------------------------------------------


Ever since Christopher Columbus first landed in the New World and hid all the Viking artifacts, America has been a land of opportunity, independence, and smallpox.

Eventually the British colonists decided to go off and form their own country. (Except for Canadians, who were just too polite to leave.) Since our schools don’t teach enough history these days--there’s so much more of it now--I thought I’d give you a quick timeline of how we, the people, went from tea to coffee:

1756: The French and Indian War

This was probably the first World War. No, seriously: Over here we just mention the French and Indians, but the rest of the world called it the Seven Years War. It spread all over the globe, like a viral YouTube video, but with more cannon fire and disease. Nations involved included Austria, France, Great Britain, Prussia, Spain, and Sweden. Oh, and the Indians, who had their own list of nations.

(Later on Prussia, not wanting to be confused with Russia, changed their name to Germany.)

Why does this involve American Independence, which came decades later? Because it cost the British government so much to defeat their enemies (and the Indians) that they began taxing the colonists to help pay for it. And yet they didn’t allow the colonies to raise their own armies, plus there was that whole taxation without representation thing.

Oh, and one more thing: The whole world war began (well, partially) because a young Virginia militia leader ambushed a French scouting party in the far west wilderness … near Pittsburgh. In later years, George Washington would be more careful to start battles after war was declared.

1770: The Boston Massacre:

No, it wasn’t a sporting event. It started when a group of colonists began throwing snowballs at a squad of British soldiers (In Boston. Sheesh.). That’s not so bad, is it? Then the colonists starting tossing sticks and stones, which, contrary to popular belief, can indeed break bones.

This is a perfect example of why you shouldn’t throw stuff at people with guns. Five colonists died and the soldiers were arrested, but they were mostly acquitted thanks to a crafty defense by a young lawyer names John Adams.

1773: The Boston Tea Party

Tired of high taxes, an unresponsive government, and Earl Gray, colonists (In Boston—sheesh) dressed up as Indians, sneaked aboard ships (In the harbor—sheesh), and tossed 342 chests of tea into the water. In today’s dollars, they turned Boston harbor into the world’s biggest cup, with $750,000 worth of tea. They were led, of course, by the famous Boston patriot Folger “Starbuck” Maxwell.

But why blame the Indians? They didn’t even drink tea.

1774: The First Continental Congress

They didn’t get much done. But in their defense, they were a Congress.

1775: Patrick Henry stirs the pot

With the grievances of the colonists ignored by a remote government—sort of like today, only without Facebook—a radical named Patrick Henry, upset because he had two first names and no last one, began making fiery speeches and resolutions.

The truth is, Henry was kind of a deadbeat. Worse, a lawyer. But man, he sure could talk good, and his actions helped ignite the American Revolution. You’ve probably heard the last line of his big speech, which was “Give me liberty or give me death!” Luckily, he got liberty.

1775: The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere.

He rode through the countryside yelling, “The British are coming!”

Sleepy residents yelled back, “Shut up, you fool! We are the British!”

Then he got arrested, probably for violating the noise ordinance, and the ride was completed by William Dawes. Unfortunately for Dawes, the name “Paul Revere” sounded better in poetry.

Also 1775 (busy year, there): The Battle of Lexington and Concord

Revere had discovered the British were marching by sea, which slowed them down considerably because the horses didn’t swim well. That gave the Minutemen almost a full two minutes. It was plenty of time to gather in Lexington, to protect stores of arms and gunpowder, and Concord, to protect the grapes.

1775 (saw that coming, didn’t you?): The Second Continental Congress

Didn’t get much done. They made up for it in 1776, though.

1775 or so: The Battle of Bunker Hill

It was actually fought on Breeds Hill.

177—wait for it—5: Patriots occupy Montreal, Canada

Things were looking up, up there. And that’s the last time things looked up for the Revolutionaries in the north, who discovered Canadian hospitality didn’t extend to invasion.

I wrote about both the American Revolution and Canadian hospitality in Hoosier Hysterical. Did you know Indiana was the location of the westernmost naval battle of the Revolution? You didn't? It's in the book--I'll go sulk, now.

1776 (finally!) Egged on by the British, Cherokee Indians attack along the frontier

They were still upset about the whole Tea Party fraud. Also, they were mad about getting named for a country on the other side of the world.

June 7, 1776: Richard Henry Lee points out to the Continental Congress that they’ve been rebelling against the British for more than a year, and wouldn’t it be a good idea to actually declare themselves to be rebelling?

June 11: Five Congressmen are appointed to draft a Declaration of Independence. The other four talk Thomas Jefferson into doing the writing, pointing out that he’s the only one who’s invented a portable desk to use.

June 12-27: Jefferson writes a rough draft, only to receive a rejection letter from the committee.

July 1-4: The entire Congress rips apart the Declaration. (Not literally. Sheesh.) Jefferson quits writing and goes into politics.

July 2: Congress declares independence, just as the British fleet and army arrive to invade New York. Talk about timing. John Adams declares that July 2 will forever be celebrated as Independence Day.

July 4: Having already declared independence, Congress now adopts the Declaration of Independence, declaring something they’ve already declared. John Adams’ head explodes.

July 9: George Washington has the Declaration read before the American army. The soldiers nod politely and ask when they’re going to get paid.

There was much more to it, of course. In fact, you could say the American Revolution went on until the US Constitution was adopted in 1788, or even until we fought the second Revolutionary war in 1812, which might also be related to the real second World War.

Now, that’s a funny story.


-----------------------------------------------------------------

What's that, you ask? Why yes, of course you can celebrate July 4th, or any date, by buying Hoosier Hysterical: How the West Became the Midwest Without Moving At All:

http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/&quo... R Hunter"

It's So Hot, We Stopped Telling "So Hot" Jokes

This week has been so hot, "so hot" jokes have been trending.

There's only so much you can do with them, of course--they've been around a long time. One of the original European settlers, in the Roanoke Colony of Virginia, left a note that said "it's so hot we're moving to Plymouth". The settlers were never heard from again, after apparently getting lost on the Washington, D.C. beltway.

Just the same, it's been so hot even I've been uncomfortable, not that I'd admit it. I'd still take a heat wave over a cold snap, but that doesn't mean I like either one. I went out to mow the lawn at 9 a.m. the other day, and ended up going through five water bottles: Three in me and two over me. It was so hot the lawn mower started flashing an error light that said "water me".

"You think I'm leaving the shade without a drink, first? You just filled me with gasoline!"



I didn't know it even had error lights.

Fun fact: In order to clean my mower you have to connect a garden hose, which sprays water all over the inside of the mower deck while it runs, to clean the grass off. So, you DO have to water it.

Naturally, it's not just the heat up here. This week the relative humidity was relatively low, but last week was so humid that, after I mowed, I had to step into the shower to dry off. Relax, I'm not posting any photos of that.

Anything that was in full sunlight started to glow red, unless it was already red, in which case it started to glow orange. The fire hydrant down the street called me over and begged me to let my dog pee on it. I refused, being worried about steam burns.

"Don't worry about me peeing back at you, I can hold my water."



You'd think the humidity would satisfy it. At one point the humidity level was 140%, which translated to a heat index of, and I quote, "broil". Jim Cantore came over from The Weather Channel to investigate how the humidity can actually be higher than 100%, and his cameraman drowned. Meanwhile, three people were blinded when the sun shone of Cantore's head. He was heard to say, "I'd rather have thundersnow". Speak for yourself, fella.

But I took advantage of it by letting the air conditioner drain its water into a bucket outside, then using the bucket to water my plants. By the way, if anyone needs any planters, I, uh, killed all my flowers with scalding water.

It's been especially rough for people who don't have air conditioners--or for people who had no power at all, including the ones south and west of my home who were hit by the latest derecho. (It is too a real word--shut up, spell check.)

I tried to honor their crisis by going outside, at least long enough to mow the lawn. Their general response was that I was crazy, and could they stop by for several hours?

Anyway, eventually I had to go out again, to let the dog water that hydrant. The dog's response? "Um, no thanks ... I'll hold it."
"Nope. Uh-uh, not until the next cold snap hits in July."



http://markrhunter.com/
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https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/&quo... R Hunter"

movie review: Jurassic World: Dominion

Spoiler alert: "Jurassic World: Dominion" is about dinosaurs. But the real bad guys are humans ... which I guess is also obvious from all the previous movies.

What isn't obvious is how the movie makers would be able to get the characters from both the original Jurassic Park trilogy, and the Jurassic World trilogy, together in a story that makes any kind of sense. But this, we're assured, is the big climax to the whole franchise, so it had to be done.

And it is done ... more or less successfully.

The first trick is to introduce all those characters (plus new ones) slowly, so we start with Owen and Claire hiding away in the backwoods, to protect the cloned girl they--let's face it--kidnapped at the end of the last movie. Lots of people want to dissect Maise (Isabella Sermon, who should have a great career ahead), perhaps literally. Unfortunately, Maise is fourteen now, and chaffing at being stuck in a cabin with two adults, even with the excitement of a velociraptor in the woods and giant herbivores hanging around the local lumber camp.

Dinosaurs have spread all over the world now, and while some humans try to protect or at least control them, others do the normal human things: Dinosaur black markets target the animals for everything from exotic meat to dogfighting-like competition. Meanwhile, a new threat has emerged in America's heartland: dino-sized locusts, which our old friend Ellie Satler is investigating. When she gets an invitation to visit the place the new threat may be coming from--an invitation from Ian Malcolm--she tracks down Alan Grant to help.

Meanwhile the bad guys finally track down and kidnap Maise, so Owen and Claire also start a journey, and--wouldn't you know it--their search leads them to the same villain's lair Ellie and Alan are headed for.

See? It took me three full paragraphs just to begin to describe the plot, and I didn't even get to some interesting new people (especially DeWanda Wise as a wisecracking pilot), and returning side characters. There's a LOT going on here, people.

That's even before all the main characters finally meet up--which really is a treat to watch. JW:D somehow manages to give each of them some time to shine, and it's great to see the youngin's interact with the old farts, to coin a phrase. There are also, naturally, some fantastic dinosaur appearances, although sometimes the movie gets a bit too busy in the action sequences (especially a duel chase scene in Malta, which made me want to hum the James Bond theme).

I usually give things like this a pass, but there were so many coincidences. People and animals kept coming from miles or continents away, and then showing up at the perfect moment to save/meet/wisecrack with someone else. I suppose they couldn't think of a better way to do it, with so many characters and animals running in so many directions--but if I noticed it, it's pretty blatant.

Just the same, it was a joy to meet our old friends again, and the Jurassic World cast did a fine job ... after all, the failings of the last two movies weren't their fault. There was even a surprise or two, toward the end, and enough shout outs to the original movies to satisfy or disgust everyone.

Is this the end of the Jurassic franchise? Everyone involved seemed to think so, but I wouldn't bet on it.


My Score:

Entertainment Value: 4 1/2 out of 5 M&Ms. The movie came close to going out of control a few times, but it was still fun.

Oscar Potential: 1 out of 5 M&Ms. It's a summer popcorn movie: Enjoy it as that.

http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/&quo... R Hunter"

book review: Circles of a Future Politician: How an Average American Saves America

Dave Volek goes for a peaceful revolution with his books about Tiered Democratic Governance, including Circles of a Future Politician: How an Average American Saves America. Dave's using the novel format to get the word out about a political system that works from the bottom up, instead of the other way around. That's something that could make for dry reading.

But it's also an idea that wouldn't appeal to people who profit from the top side down system, so I shouldn't have been surprised that this book, the third in a series, starts out with an assassination.

https://www.amazon.com/Circles-Future...

The idea is fairly easy to follow, so although I haven't read the second book, it wasn't hard to pick up. This time we follow Eli Weasel and friends on the Tankosin Indiana Reservation, as they attempt their own version of the TDC idea. It's progressed slowly for the group, until other events challenge them to get more active. The story follows them for the next few years, as the concept gains popularity both on the Reservation and in nearby communities. Dave means to challenge the readers' thinking about government and, if read with an open and serious mind, it does.

The story is meant to guide the reader through the theory and the process of building a TDG, so of course there are scenes that move more deliberately than you'd normally expect in a novel. I was more surprised about some scenes of excellent writing, following Eli's thought processes as he goes about his normal life in addition to his efforts to improve his community. It's hard to balance out a book like this, but Dave makes it work--and gives us something to think about.

The author and I don't see eye to eye on every political issue ... but that doesn't make him wrong this time.

http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/&quo... R Hunter"

Genesis of a Fish Fry, or: The Fish is Much Newer Than the Fry

With the Albion Fire Department's annual fish and tenderloin fry coming up Wednesday (June 8th), I thought I'd let everyone know just how long the AFD has been doing this fund raiser, which you can read more about here:

https://www.facebook.com/events/11257...

The answer: I don't know. I do know we've been doing it for at least forty-five years, with pauses for such things as, oh, pandemics. So I consulted the ultimate guide to the AFD ...

But then I remembered: "Oh, yeah ... I wrote that book." So if I didn't know it, it isn't in there. However, there is one moment in the book that might give us a clue of the annual fish fry's origins:

###

Sometimes people forget volunteers must be ready always; there’s no time when a fire isn’t possible. Sometimes even firefighters forget that.

On April First, 1946, the AFD held its traditional fish fry at the fire station. Unlike today, the fish fry wasn’t a fundraiser, but a social event held on a Monday before the regular fire meeting, with the Town Board members as guests.

Chief Harry Campbell himself caught the fish – one of his more pleasant duties – and they were prepared and served by firefighters Ted Frymier, Byron and Welty Smith, Harry Butler, and Don Barcus, at “Gerald Fryonler’s restaurant”. In the midst of their supper, a young girl ran into the establishment and reported a vehicle fire at the REMC, which at the time was around the corner on East Main Street.

(The REMC – Rural Electric Membership Corporation – was then in the same building that, back when it was a Chevy garage, first housed the ’29 engine.)

The men can’t be blamed for the obvious conclusion: It was an April Fool’s joke. Certain their falling for the joke gave some prankster great amusement, the volunteers hurried to the scene.

There they found a car, blazing merrily away.

###

I've always wondered if one of the volunteers had to stay behind to make sure the fish didn't burn.

Anyway, hope to see you at the *mumblemumble*ith anniversary fish and tenderloin fry, and don't worry--you don't have to bring your own fish.

If anyone's interested in reading more about the AFD's history, there should be copies at the firehouse, plus I have some, or you can find them on our website:

http://www.markrhunter.com/

Or on Amazon with the rest of our books:

https://www.amazon.com/Mark-R-Hunter/...

Or what the heck, even Barnes and Noble:

https://www.amazon.com/Mark-R-Hunter/...



Everyone who's tried them agreed that yes, the fish fry has fish, and yes, the AFD history book is about the AFD's history. If they fried up books at the fish fry, that would be odd.