E.J. Patten's Blog, page 2

The Eyes Have It

I've recently become a huge fan of sci-fi author Philip K. Dick (Total Recall, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, etc.). I found this seriously funny short story he wrote on Project Gutenberg and since it's public domain, I wanted to share.The Eyes Have Itby PHILIP K. DICKIT WAS quite by accident I discovered this incredible invasion of Earth by lifeforms from another planet. As yet, I haven’t done anything about it; I can’t think of anything to do. I wrote to the Government, and they sent back a pamphlet on the repair and maintenance of frame houses. Anyhow, the whole thing is known; I’m not the first to discover it. Maybe it’s even under control.I was sitting in my easy-chair, idly turning the pages of a paperbacked book someone had left on the bus, when I came across the reference that first put me on the trail. For a moment I didn’t respond. It took some time for the full import to sink in. After I’d comprehended, it seemed odd I hadn’t noticed it right away.The reference was clearly to a nonhuman species of incredible properties, not indigenous to Earth. A species, I hasten to point out, customarily masquerading as ordinary human beings. Their disguise, however, became transparent in the face of the following observations by the author. It was at once obvious the author knew everything. Knew everything — and was taking it in his stride. The line (and I tremble remembering it even now) read:

… his eyes slowly roved about the room.

Vague chills assailed me. I tried to picture the eyes. Did they roll like dimes? The passage indicated not; they seemed to move through the air, not over the surface. Rather rapidly, apparently. No one in the story was surprised. That’s what tipped me off. No sign of amazement at such an outrageous thing. Later the matter was amplified.

… his eyes moved from person to person.

There it was in a nutshell. The eyes had clearly come apart from the rest of him and were on their own. My heart pounded and my breath choked in my windpipe. I had stumbled on an accidental mention of a totally unfamiliar race. Obviously non-Terrestrial. Yet, to the characters in the book, it was perfectly natural — which suggested they belonged to the same species.And the author? A slow suspicion burned in my mind. The author was taking it rather too easily in his stride. Evidently, he felt this was quite a usual thing. He made absolutely no attempt to conceal this knowledge. The story continued:

… presently his eyes fastened on Julia.

Julia, being a lady, had at least the breeding to feel indignant. She is described as blushing and knitting her brows angrily. At this, I sighed with relief. They weren’t all non-Terrestrials. The narrative continues:

… slowly, calmly, his eyes examined every inch of her.

Great Scott! But here the girl turned and stomped off and the matter ended. I lay back in my chair gasping with horror. My wife and family regarded me in wonder.“What’s wrong, dear?” my wife asked.I couldn’t tell her. Knowledge like this was too much for the ordinary run-of-the-mill person. I had to keep it to myself. “Nothing,” I gasped. I leaped up, snatched the book, and hurried out of the room.IN THE garage, I continued reading. There was more. Trembling, I read the next revealing passage:

… he put his arm around Julia. Presently she asked him if he would remove his arm. He immediately did so, with a smile.

It’s not said what was done with the arm after the fellow had removed it. Maybe it was left standing upright in the corner. Maybe it was thrown away. I don’t care. In any case, the full meaning was there, staring me right in the face.Here was a race of creatures capable of removing portions of their anatomy at will. Eyes, arms — and maybe more. Without batting an eyelash. My knowledge of biology came in handy, at this point. Obviously they were simple beings, uni-cellular, some sort of primitive single-celled things. Beings no more developed than starfish. Starfish can do the same thing, you know.I read on. And came to this incredible revelation, tossed off coolly by the author without the faintest tremor:

… outside the movie theater we split up. Part of us went inside, part over to the cafe for dinner.

Binary fission, obviously. Splitting in half and forming two entities. Probably each lower half went to the cafe, it being farther, and the upper halves to the movies. I read on, hands shaking. I had really stumbled onto something here. My mind reeled as I made out this passage:

… I’m afraid there’s no doubt about it. Poor Bibney has lost his head again.

Which was followed by:

… and Bob says he has utterly no guts.

Yet Bibney got around as well as the next person. The next person, however, was just as strange. He was soon described as:

… totally lacking in brains.

THERE was no doubt of the thing in the next passage. Julia, whom I had thought to be the one normal person, reveals herself as also being an alien life form, similar to the rest:

… quite deliberately, Julia had given her heart to the young man.

It didn’t relate what the final disposition of the organ was, but I didn’t really care. It was evident Julia had gone right on living in her usual manner, like all the others in the book. Without heart, arms, eyes, brains, viscera, dividing up in two when the occasion demanded. Without a qualm.

… thereupon she gave him her hand.

I sickened. The rascal now had her hand, as well as her heart. I shudder to think what he’s done with them, by this time.

… he took her arm.

Not content to wait, he had to start dismantling her on his own. Flushing crimson, I slammed the book shut and leaped to my feet. But not in time to escape one last reference to those carefree bits of anatomy whose travels had originally thrown me on the track:

… her eyes followed him all the way down the road and across the meadow.

I rushed from the garage and back inside the warm house, as if the accursed things were following me. My wife and children were playing Monopoly in the kitchen. I joined them and played with frantic fervor, brow feverish, teeth chattering.I had had enough of the thing. I want to hear no more about it. Let them come on. Let them invade Earth. I don’t want to get mixed up in it.I have absolutely no stomach for it.

Laziest Post Ever

I know it's been a while.

I'd like to say I have excuses. I'd like to say they're legitimate. I'd like to say that this next post will make up for my extended absence from the blogosphere. I'd like to say all these things, but you read the post title; I'm not going to lie to you. This post is lazy. In fact, it's just a link to a post I did on another blog.

So click here and read this guest post I did at Operation Awesome.

The title of the post is:


Cthulhu Ate My Mother, Or the Rise and Fall of Human-Flavored Nougat.
Warning: This post has nothing to do with eating, Cthulhu, mothers, nougat, or things rising and falling.Second Warning: No Hobbits were harmed in the writing of this post...but, no worries, I will get around to it soon.Final Warning: Now that I think about it, Cthulhu is mentioned once in passing, or four times in passing if you count the number of mentions in this title. But honestly, if you have enough time to sit around and count Cthulhu references (that's five), you should really just move on to the post or, even better, find something good to read. I hear Justin Bieber has a new book out. Over four and a half stars on Amazon. That's not bad.

Yes, I just copied and pasted the title. I told you this post was lazy.

Bumper Stuck

I'd like to talk about something that's been bothering me for a long time now: The decline of bumper stickers in America. It used to be that I could understand someone's opinion based on a well-placed decal without going through all the hassle of talking to that person.

If I wanted to know where someone stood on the next presidential election, boom, it was right there in front of me, idling below the gun rack of a pick up truck. If I wanted to know whose kids were smarter than mine, slam, the parents in the beamer ahead of me had kids who were honor students. And if I wanted to know if there was a baby on board, smash, a sign warned me so that I could protect that minivan from my normally careless driving.

Bumper stickers were perhaps the greatest thing the Greeks ever invented, followed by togas, and the letter Omicron. I still remember Plato's hugely successful sticker "Soma Sema" (The Body is a Tomb), which survived on war chariots well into Roman times.

Bumper stickers take all the messy guess work out of life. I can't tell you how many times I've been born again after staring at a fish for hours on end in rush hour traffic, or how I learned to coexist

from the guy who cut me off as I was trying to merge.

I think I've said enough on this topic. Until next time: Insert Opinion Here.

Workshop Slides

I promised that I'd post the slides from the Utah Valley Writers Workshop today, so here they are:
Presentation: Concept to Outline

A big thanks to Canda and everyone else involved!

Utah Valley Writers Workshop

Utah Valley, taken from the foothill behind my houseThe Utah Valley Writers Workshop is this weekend (7/27/12 and 7/28/12) and I'm doing the Friday keynote presentation (3 hours long!). The event is co-sponsored by iWriteNetwork and the Alpine School District and you can register through the Alpine School District professional development site. Use the drop down and select "Language Arts - Utah Valley Writers Workshop - July 27 AND 28th." It's about halfway down the page and there's a one day option beneath it. The workshop description was written for teachers, but the workshop is open to everyone, so don't let the description scare you away if you're not a teacher. The workshop is focused on writing, not teaching writing. When registering, it will ask for your school. If you're not a teacher, simply put a space in that box.

My workshop will focus on story development, from concept, to character-driven plotting, to structure. It will be part presentation, part go-and-do, and part me harassing as many people as I can without getting arrested. If you've seen me present before, bits of this will be familiar, but most of it will be new. This is a deeper dive than I've done before into how I develop a story and the tools I use.


COST: $50 (this includes lunch)
There's an optional SUU Credit you can get for $15 (see below)


CREDIT: 1 sem. hr. state recertification/lane change
OR
1 sem. hr. SUU credit available at the completion of the class for an additional $15 (optional)


I got the schedule a while ago, and it may have been updated since, but here's what I have:


Preliminary Schedule Friday: Keynote and Breakouts 8:00 Pick up workshop materials
8:30 Eric Patten: Character-driven Plotting, room 315 & 316
11:30 Lunch
12:00 Tristi Pinkston: Genre & Audience, room 315Cindy Hogan: Indie Publishing Part 1, room 316Karen Hoover: Poetry, room 317Ali Cross: Beginning Blogging, room 310
1:20 Break
1:30 Jennie Hansen: Scene Structure, room 315Karen Hoover: Outlining, room 316Ali Cross, Advanced Blogging, room 310Jordan McCollum: HTML, room 3112:50 Break
3:00 Brainstorming Panel
4:15 Day 1 Concludes

Saturday Sessions  8:30 Lisa Mangum: Characters
10:30 Break
10:45 Caleb Warnock: Narrative Voice
12:15 Lunch
12:45 Lisa Mangum: Your First Chapter
2:00 Break
2:15 Carolyn Campbell: Writing for Magazines, room 315Cindy Hogan; Indie Publishing Part 2, room 316Canda Mortensen; Presenting, room 317Jamie Theler, Twitter, room 311
3:15 Workshop Concludes
You must pre-register and class size is limited, so hurry up! I hope to see you there!

And the winner is...

The Legend Thief ARCs have arrived! The winner of the Billion Dollar (Not Really) Giveaway is...

J Travis Washburn!

Sorry to everyone else. I weighted all the entries and used a random number generator to pick the winner. I wish I could give everyone an ARC, but I didn't get that many (8 total, and some of those may go to my agent). I might do another giveaway in the coming months, so check back! And congratulations to Travis! Travis, please email your address to my assistant: dianalault@gmail.com.

Quick Update

Just a quick update on a few fronts.
1. The ARCs for The Legend Thief were mailed last week and I expect them to arrive any day now. As soon as I get them, I will announce the winner (and possibly winners, depending on how many I get).2. The release dates for the Return to Exile paperback and The Legend Thief hardcover have shifted to March. Why? I have no idea. Sadly, my editor joined the FBI back in May (yes, you heard right: the FBI) and I still don't have a new one. S&S is in the processes of hiring a new editor, at which point, I hope to get things straightened out. Stay tuned.3. You guys are awesome. Thanks for all the nice things you've said about Return to Exile. Every time I see one of your comments, it brightens my day and makes me smile.

Return to Exile Book Group Discussion Guide

Several people have asked me to put together a Return to Exile Book Group Discussion Guide and I've finally done it. I made two separate documents. One has just the questions. The other has both the questions and some answers/discussion prompts. Click on the links to download their respective guides.

Return to Exile Book Group Discussion Questions
Return to Exile Book Group Discussion Answers

The Legend Thief ARC giveaway is still ongoing, so visit the "Billion Dollar Giveaway" post to enter. I should receive the ARC at the end of June, at which point the giveaway will end, so hurry up! It's awesome!

Pretty Pictures

On Sunday, I returned from a ten day writing retreat in the mountains of Southern Utah. I spent five of those days with four other authors, two days alone, and three days with my wife and kids. Just so you don't feel left out, I took some pictures.

Views along the canyon leading to Lower Calf Creek Falls.
More canyon views.
More canyon.
My family approaching Lower Calf Creek Falls. 
The picture doesn't do it justice. The falls are 155' tall and the cliffs lean out over the top of you. The water is freezing, but in the hot summer months, it's the perfect end to a three mile hike (six miles round trip).
The Burr Trail. My grandfather gave the state much of the gravel for the Burr Trail. In exchange, the state built a small lake on his property and he stocked it with fish.
Driving along the Burr Trail.
More Burr Trail views.
This tonic was in the cupboard of my uncle's ranch house where I stayed. I've visited the house at various times over the last thirty years, and this bottle has been in the cupboard for as long as I can remember. I expect that someday, it will come to life and ravage the town. There you go. I hope you feel included. If you haven't been to southern Utah, you are missing out. The drive over Boulder Mountain is quite possibly the most beautiful drive on the planet as you look out over Lower Bowns Reservoir and the red cliffs of Capitol Reef National Park.

In other news, the blog tour is still going on. Check out the calender for more information. There are still plenty of giveaways and interviews coming up. I'll end the giveaway for The Legend Thief ARC when the ARC arrives, so enter if you haven't already because I have no idea when that will be.

Billion Dollar Giveaway! (Not Really)

To celebrate my official stop on the blog tour, I’m giving everyone that follows this blog, buys Return to Exile, and leaves a comment on this post one billion dollars! Take that Oprah! Actually, don’t take that, Oprah: you’ve got enough money. Instead, can I borrow a few billion dollars? I swear I’m good for it! No? (sigh)

Well, sorry everyone. I’m going to have to rescind that billion-dollar offer. I tried. Don’t blame me; blame Oprah.

How about if I giveaway an advanced reader copy (ARC) of The Legend Thief, instead?

A note: I don't have an ARC yet, it may be a few months before I get one, and there's a small chance I may not get one at all. I only got three copies of the Return to Exile ARC. But, if I get one, I will sign it and give it to the winner. If I don't get one, I'll find something else to give you, but I am 99% sure I will have a copy of the ARC to giveaway.
ARCs are rare and signed ARCs are even rarer. I signed maybe five ARCs of Return to Exile.
The Legend Thief, which doesn't come out until December, is full of awesomeness: hundreds of hunters hunt Sky through the flooded crypts and crags of the north cemetery (aka "The Sleeping Lands") trying to kill him. On top of that, he has to evade the Darkhorn, solve a four-hundred-year-old murder, and stop Bedlam (the Arkhon's brother) from burning Exile to the ground. I finished the copyedit two days ago. It is awesome, awesome, awesome. Seriously. I'm amazed I wrote it.
To enter, leave a comment below (1 entry). You can get extra entries by mentioning:
1. That you bought Return to Exile (3 extra entries)2. Followed this blog (1)3. Liked this blog and the Facebook page (1 each)
Good luck!