Violet Yates's Blog, page 14

I am not Anon

I may shift to posting non-poetry to another blog, because I am not anonymous here. I still need to vent away from social media and it has come to my attention that a person was viewing my Facebook profile last year when I never dreamed she’d have access to it, it being private. It has occurred to me that she could easily read what I post here, because my name is on this blog, and I’m not going to change that because my books are linked here.

It is quite sad, however, I feel a bit violated, as my Facebook is and was private and must have been accessed through a ‘friend’s’ account. This is really a hard point because I must weigh how much to share on my blog at all times against what is too much. I stopped sharing anything personal at all on Facebook a long time ago because things always had a way of getting back to me, or I’d see others posting comments that I’d take personally such as, “Too much drama, people should stop whining on Facebook and go see a therapist.” Hence, I blog. I usually stick to poetry, however, because it allows me to vent without giving too much information about me away. This sort of thing is why. Anyone can enter my name and Hawaii into a search engine and find me here.

All I wish to say about this person is I wish her luck and don’t jump to conclusions. Just because you read what you did, it didn’t mean what you thought it meant.  I have empathy. If you want to, you can talk to me. I can keep a confidence.

I will continue to post poetry. :)

Filed under: Writing Tagged: anonymous, blog, blogging, ex wife, ex wives, hawaii, jumping to conclusions, raising daughters, writing

Review of Noah (2014)

I liked it. It wasn’t your typical ‘Christian’ movie where everything is predictable, but if you compare scripture with the second coming and our times, it is similar re: the violence of our times compared to the violence in the movie. Our world is full of violence, war, rape, murder. It was like that in a few scenes. I believe the reason Christians and christian filmmakers didn’t approve is because Christian films have expectations: no or minimal violence, even Christians portraying ‘bad guys’ are expected to only go so far, and the ending is happy (ie, someone is saved, the team wins, a marriage is saved, etc). In real life, these days, often those things don’t happen, but when they do, they are miracles. What we call God is called the Creator in the movie. There is a lot of symbolism relating to original sin, the garden, temptation, good vs. evil and who is really capable of sin (all of us). The creation story is told. There are fallen angels in the story called “The Watchers.” There is temptation and sin within the ‘innocent,’ like the garden of Eden. At one point in the movie, there is a scene similar to Abraham and Isaac on the mountain- a test of Noah… There is also hope and the ending is full of that. Although the producer took a lot of artistic license, he made a really beautiful movie, and if one can look beyond the violence, they can see what it is really about: hope for a new beginning.

Filed under: Movies, Review Tagged: Adam, Anthony Hopkins, christian, Christian films, Christianity, cleansing of sin, Creation, Creator, Douglas Booth, Emma Watson, Eve, fallen angels, Garden of Eden, God, Ham, hope, Ila, innocents, Jesus, latest movies, Logan Lerman, love, Magog, Messiah, methuselah, murder, Naameh, new release, Noah, noah 2014, rape, Ray Winstone, Russell Crowe, Second Coming, Shem, Sin, temptation, test, the flood, Tubal-Cain, Violence, war, world of sin

Anger & Worry

I’ve been dealing with a lot of anger within me lately. Having relived some of the abuse I’ve suffered in my marriage through words received, I lashed out. I don’t like feeling that way. I want to be over it. But I am worried about my daughter and what ‘could’ happen to her. I am too far away and I am frustrated. I am hitting brick walls every time I turn around. Even well intended requests are twisted and turned to make me appear as if I am doing something wrong. I am a peaceful person, I have always wanted peace in my life, frequently sought and so little obtained. If I could only see my daughter, hug her, speak to her, I would know that she is okay. She has changed and I do not know if it is the distance, my anxiety about her father, or that she has grown up without me these last six years. I just feel alienated from her, I feel shut out. It seems she isn’t excited by the things she used to love, like writing, reading, drawing. Why can’t he understand my only concern is for her? He is more upset that it seems like I don’t ‘trust’ him than anything. In the years I was living in the same county, I never saw any bruises on her when she came home from his house or once she went to live with him. But there were things that disturbed me and I did take her to see a social worker once. I need to be sure. The teen years form who a person ultimately becomes. If there is something going on, or was, it’s better dealt with now. I know this first hand. I got therapy in my teens after an abusive family life growing up. My sister did not. She is dead, she died at age 41 of a drug overdose after trying to commit suicide 3 times in her life before. They said this last time was an accident, but we still don’t know because they didn’t find her for days afterwards. I somehow made it, I still had a messed up life but I pulled myself out of the wreckage time and again; I am a survivor. I still go to therapy. Talking about it can never hurt, in spite of what people fear about labeling and ‘what good is it going to do to talk to a stranger?’ What they do is help you better understand why you do the things you do, particularly when what you’re doing is either hurting yourself (ie self destructive behavior such as addiction and getting into abusive relationships) or hurting others (abusing your wife, kids, partner, mother, grandparent, brother, sister, etc).  By understanding why you do something, you can then work towards finding healthier outlets for stress (such as a walk instead of a cigarette, or painting a picture), and accept the need for further work such as anger management.

Thanks for reading. Aloha! :-)

 

Filed under: autobiographical, Writing Tagged: abuse, anger management, blog, blogging, childhood, custody, daughters, distance, divorce, domestic violence, hawaii, human magnet syndrome, loss, love, marriage, miss my daughter, missing you, NY, peace, peaceful, puberty, sadness, teen girls, teenagers, time, worried

Silent All These Years

I sat down last night and cataloged every domestic violence incident in my relationship with my ex-husband that I could remember. It’s been over a decade since I lived with him so a lot of things are blurry, but as I started to write, more and more came back. It started with verbal and emotional manipulation and was so subtle I really didn’t know what he was doing until much later. I would do things he didn’t like and he would shut me out emotionally. Then the name calling. I got called every name in the book: cunt, slut, whore, cock-blocker, bitch… I had a drinking problem before I met him and he was well aware of this, and he would punish me for my behavior when I was drinking with psychological mind games. He would tell me after the fact that he had been planning on giving me a gift, or doing something nice for me, and now that I had ‘behaved badly,’ he wasn’t going to do it. Even if I hadn’t been drinking, if I did something or associated with someone he didn’t like, he would do something like that. Or shun me.

I had been in one other abusive relationship and had walked away, but this one was on a whole different level for some reason. I’ve pondered on it for many years as to why and I’ll try to touch upon this topic in a minute. I think it’s important for those reading to know the kinds of psychological games these men play so they can recognize them.

My ex-husband acted like a hero. Like he was rescuing me. I was working and going to school at the time and living on very little income, but I actually had a better situation than he did; he was living with his parents. I had my own apartment and a nice car. I had some money from school loans and paid off a few tickets he had so he could get his license back. Money didn’t matter to me and I loved him, but perhaps I shouldn’t have just rushed in like that and ‘rescued’ him.

I was a young mom of two sons who were 5 and 7 at the time. We found out that their dad was hurting them and took them to Hawaii. When we were getting ready to move, I had to sell my car and my parents financed our move. He kept his car. It was years before I had a decent car again. When we got to Hawaii, the abuse really kicked in. My sons were a bit unruly at their age and he  would yell at them a lot. Then he and I would fight a lot. It got really awful at times. But we still managed somehow. We both worked at the same place and often it was very difficult to handle that because he would scream at me and at customers. He wasn’t happy in Hawaii.

We got married and wound up moving back to the mainland. My 5 year old was put on a plane in California and I didn’t like the idea one bit but didn’t feel I could stick up for myself. It was always that way and still is; if I speak up I hear an earful in return. When we got back east, both the boys wound up back with their dad and I wasn’t really given much a choice on that. I was very worried and have regretted allowing that ever since, because my boys grew up very troubled and there’s no going back now.

He really put me under his thumb once we got our own apartment. He got a day job doing hard labor and I was working nights at a fast food place. He wasn’t happy that I was working at night. I had stopped drinking for the most part in Hawaii but picked it back up as the fights started up again. He told me to quit my job. I wasn’t too happy there, so I did, I wanted to spend more time at home as well. But when I wanted to spend more time with him, he said no. He wouldn’t take me with him when he was going fishing. When I begged him to once, he threw me on the bed and hurt me, then I screamed and he clamped his hand on my mouth and was smothering me so I couldn’t breathe. This sort of thing happened a lot. I’d get bloody lips sometimes from cuts on my lips. I would get yelled at if I didn’t have dinner made when he came home. Then he would criticize my cooking, saying it tasted like ‘dog shit.’ Nothing I ever did was good enough. Then he just started going out after work instead of being home, leaving me without any friends (he’d made me pretty much cut most of my friends out). I’d drive by the Dunkin Donuts and he’d be there with another woman or two and his fire house. I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to hang out. I was completely isolated.

Then one night came where we had an argument again, he had gone out after throwing me off him in the parking lot- I’d been begging him to take me with him. I went out with friends to the bar that night after leaving  a note for him. I was completely bereft and down. After I left the bar, he tracked me down and punched me in the eye. So I took off and was trying to get away from him. I shouldn’t have been driving, but I didn’t know what else to do. He cut me off in his car, so I had no choice but to pull over, then kicked me up and down the right side of my body, then kicked in my headlights. The police showed up and I lied about him hurting me. I wish I had not. The next day was a truly awful day, my worst nightmare. I went to a friend’s house a couple days later and had her take pictures of all the bruises. I was black and blue.

A couple weeks later, he left. I should have been glad but I was broken. Fortunately my friends had not forgotten about me. I spent a lot of time in NYC with my cousin and was getting ready to move on with my life. I think he realized that. We got back together after being apart for just a couple months. We moved. He was still involved with the other woman for a while and that was terrible for me but eventually it ended, but not without many arguments occurring in which I got pushed around and bruised up.

I found out I was pregnant and I was just shocked. When I told him, he said, “You mean I have to deal with you the rest of my life?” Then he was trying really hard to convince me that I should have an abortion. I don’t believe in abortion. I am a Christian. I think abortion is murder, a sin. How could I do that to my innocent child? He also tried to say my health was bad. At that time, I had asthma, but it wasn’t bad like it is now. I flat out refused to even consider abortion. We got into a heated argument. After a while I needed to take a bath and was in my bathrobe, I said something flippant and walked into the bathroom, slammed the door and locked it. The bathtub was full of warm water. He kicked the door in and asked me, “Do you want to die?” as he grabbed me by the neck and shoulders and held my head over the water. Fortunately, he stopped. Many abusers don’t.

During my pregnancy, after he had accepted I wasn’t going to terminate, he began to act like a perfect gentleman. But it was just an act. As soon as I had our daughter, he was back to himself. Once he was in a rage about something, he disabled my car by taking the distributor cap off. I was going to go to the store to get a couple things, so I left without telling him, left him with the baby. I came back five minutes later and he was red in the face, holding our screaming baby, and screaming at me. I had to beg him to give me our daughter because she was so frightened. Another time I was being hurt and I grabbed the phone to call 911. I managed to dial and get an operator before he ripped the cord out of the wall. We had so many phones broken, lamps, end tables… holes in walls. That night when officers showed up to check on us, he told me to lie and say we were having problems with our phone or he’d take our daughter and I’d never see her again. I don’t know if I believed he could do it or if the possibility scared me, or if the fact that he would leave me scared me the most.

On the weekends we had all three of our sons and I had to drive all over the place to pick them up because he didn’t want to pick his own son up. He would get pissed if I was late getting his son even though my other ex would get pissed if I was late getting our sons. I couldn’t win. When I was pregnant my other ex told me I was a bitch, then my current husband got on the phone and screamed at him. When I was late getting my ex husband’s son, his ex would bitch at me. I became very frustrated at being put in the middle.

We eventually wound up moving back to his home town and things just spiraled from there. I was having issues at work because he kept calling me at work when we were arguing and yelling at me. I had two consecutive performance reviews that addressed this fact. He would also call his mother, who watched our daughter while I was at work, and tell her not to watch her when we were arguing. He would call her and bring her into our arguments as well, and this was very hurtful to me. We were adults, why did we have to bring others into it? I liked his mother and he was trying to make her dislike me. I was getting more and more depressed and sneaking alcohol when he wasn’t home. I hated my job. I didn’t like where we were living because that’s where everything had gone wrong the first year we were married. Everybody in his circle gossiped about everybody. That town had always been that way and I hated it because since I had gotten together with him all I had heard were rumors about him, hurtful ones.

My sons’ father decided to move back to Hawaii and wanted to take them with him. I wasn’t too happy about the circumstances surrounding that and didn’t want them to go. I had good reason. I told my ex husband why I didn’t want them to go but he didn’t seem to care. The last day they were in there, he made sure it was ruined. I dropped them off with their dad that night and they both cried like their hearts were breaking. It is not something I’ll ever forget. My heart broke that night too. The next day, he had a party and said he was celebrating their being gone. I was so angry and sad.

I decided I wanted to go back to school and he said he supported me. But soon he began to get frustrated with me. I had taken on a lot of credits that semester in order to get the maximum grants and loans I could get so we could manage. It was really hard on me; I was juggling so many roles: wife, mother, daughter, student… by the end of the semester I had a tic in my eye and had lost my voice. I had a 3.93 GPA though and I was doing really well. I was happy in every way but one: my marriage. I had to run around like a chicken with its head cut off to take care of things and that was very stressful. When I worked it was bad enough. I could never do enough, give enough, be enough in his eyes. I was constantly walking around on eggshells. If I was late, he’d be calling me on my cellphone asking why. Then one day he came home and told me he had been showing a naked picture of me to the guys at work. I was humiliated and upset. I took it and tore it up. I didn’t want a strange guy to know what I looked like naked! So he began to tear up pictures of my babies, my family. We got into it and I would up getting held down on the bed again, him smothering me. I bit him. Then he gets up and tells me to hit him so I did. I was soooo sick of being hurt, called names, emotionally and psychologically tormented. Our daughter had come into the room and started screaming. I tried to grab her and my purse to leave, but he made it impossible by taking my purse and my keys were inside my purse. The police showed up. I went in the hall to talk to an officer and I told him what happened. Then wrote the report as if he was a victim too, because I bit him and hit him. I’m still afraid of this man. I’m angry to this day at that police department because they treated me so poorly. I was a battered woman and because they knew him and his family they took his side. They made him leave that night but he called only an hour or so later asking that I talk to him. He said he was going to take Trina if I made him leave. He often made threats like that. Or that he would quit his job if our marriage didn’t work out, like, ‘what was he doing it all for?’

After that, things deteriorated rather quickly. He kept telling his mother not to watch our daughter when we argued. Eventually his mom just quit and I got another person to watch her. He criticized the new babysitter, she could do nothing right in his eyes either. This woman continued to watch our daughter for years and was really great.

He began disappearing at night again. I knew there was probably another woman. I found a woman’s phone number and email address in his wallet. My pride was hurt and my heart. I went out one night and saw a friend of his who was hitting on me. He told me my ex husband was cheating on me and had never stopped doing so all those years. My pride made me tell him that I was just biding my time until I found a job and was able to leave. I really had no plan.

One night the situation came to a head. I do not even recall what we were fighting about and it was the most important night of our relationship. The end result: he asked me if I wanted him to move out and I said yes. He immediately began to look for apartments on the web. Then we went to bed and made love. But not for the last time.

The next day it dawned on me what had actually happened and I backpedaled. I could not see my life without him. It was in no way about money. I just didn’t think I could emotionally survive without him. For days I moped around and cried. Fortunately I was on break from classes so I didn’t have to go. After that I asked that he meet me and talk. I made a really nice dinner with candle lit. He had other ideas. He was very rushed and impatient with me. He had very little interest in discussing anything. I felt completely rejected and when he kept checking his cellphone to look at text messages, I was almost certain that there was another woman waiting somewhere.

I didn’t drink for over a month after he left. I knew I would sink into depression if I did. I found out within two weeks that he was involved with his boss, the woman whose number I’d found in his wallet. There was also a woman who was married who had supposedly been ‘stalking’ him. I was so angry. I called the first woman and found him sleeping in her bed. Of course he at first denied anything physical at all. Then I confronted her and told her what kind of person he was, he flipped out on me and made me out to be the bad guy. I wasn’t being very rational at the time. I was thinking with my emotions. But the ultimate insult to me was for my husband to tell me to please not ‘ruin’ it for him because although he screwed up things for us, he didn’t want to do it with her.

I dealt with his family members spreading untrue rumors about me and having him threaten to take me to court for custody of my daughter. He had a girlfriend and was living with her, yet when I started seeing someone he was all over him wanting to know every little thing. But if I wanted to know about his girlfriend, he told me to mind my own business and ‘trust’ him. After so many threats I eventually did file for custody and because I didn’t know how he’d react, I got a restraining order to protect myself. He did not react well to that at all and left a hostile message on my phone. All his associates in town made me out to be someone who was ‘picking’ on him for leaving me. But they never really knew who he was because they had never dealt with what I had to deal with.

We went to court and he freaked out when they told him he’d have to pay for anger management classes and they removed him from court. We were out in the hall and he was there with his family and girlfriend saying he would take the cost out of my child support. That angered me so I reacted. They called us both in and proposed that we both go get help! The system is so unfair. I was very upset that he could make those sorts of threats in a court house and the justice system is so blind that they cannot see how manipulative he is. He did that on purpose to get me riled up.

By the time we had been split up for six months, things had cooled somewhat. I was still really hurt about the other woman, but dealing with it. It was the holidays and time to let go or so I thought. Then he started flirting with me on the web and phone. He would tell me things he didn’t like about his girlfriend, the way she cooked, how she said bad things about me, etc. That made me dislike her and worry that she would talk badly around my daughter. Now I see it as manipulating to get what he wanted. What he wanted was for me to sleep with him. I fell for it. I had always believed in staying with the one you married. My parents are still together and have gone through a lot. I thought that we could work it out and get back together. But that isn’t what he had in mind. For the next two years, he played a game of cat and mouse with me. He would seduce me, then I would fall for it, we would stay involved for a period of time, then I would get very unhappy about sharing him, about living alone, about the fact that I was keeping a secret from everyone, particularly this woman. I’d cringe every time my daughter would mention her name. I felt such a confused mixture of emotions: anger, guilt, sadness, happiness, lust, envy, rage, jealousy. I also felt almost absolutely certain that he had been unfaithful to me, because here he was cheating on her and I was proof. I couple times I tried to tell her. The first time was a disaster. I went to her work and told her. She refused to believe it, or so she said. Then she apparently went home and packed his stuff. But she didn’t leave. I bore the brunt of that though. He raged at me for doing it. Told me he was never coming back. I look back now and wish he’d been a decent enough person to respect the mother of his child by not toying with me. It was hardly fair. As time went on, it happened less and less as each time hurt me more and more and I grew very resentful of him. My sons were back from Hawaii by then and I was having problems with them, they were placed in detention. My daughter went to live with him. I felt more replaced than ever when she slipped up and called his girlfriend ‘mom.’ I was drinking too much. The last time I had anything physical to do with him was in 2006. It broke my heart because two weeks later he was asking for a divorce again. I felt it was her doing it. I wrote a blog about it and she saw it and left him. I got blamed. I had one last hope he would come back, but he did not. I am glad, in retrospect, that he didn’t. She wound up coming back and they wanted one big ‘talk’ to clear the air. Really, it was one big ‘attack’ on me, one big lie. I had fallen deep. I went to his mother’s house and they were there and so was my daughter. I told his girlfriend what had been going on and that I had never lied. He lied right in front of me. That was it right there. I was so angry.  I shouldn’t have been very surprised. He did exactly what he had done in the past. Attacked me when he was in the wrong. I was his wife. He left me for her. Whether or not they were involved before hand, the fact that I am mother to his daughter means he owes me some decency and respect. I have rarely felt that.

I had talked to a lawyer before and she had offered to file my divorce for free after hearing my story, but I was so pathetic and addicted to that relationship that I didn’t take up her offer. She would have helped me get child support the right way too. As it was, when the child support and divorce went through, he hid two part time jobs and the lawyer he used was her partner so I couldn’t use her. I don’t think I ever told him but may have. I went through hell when I got those divorce papers and I’m lucky I didn’t drink myself to death. Our divorce was final in early 2008. I moved to Massachusetts later that year and got sober and started picking up the pieces of my life.

He is dealing with his second divorce now. I do not know the details but know it wasn’t exactly amicable. I am having a hard time with communication regarding my daughter and when I push the issue I get yelled at or told off. When I ask for legal documents such as medical records or school records, as is my right, I’m brushed off or refused. He says he’ll have my daughter send me a copy of her next report card, distancing himself from the responsibility. I moved back to Hawaii four years ago because I have emphysema and the cold makes it worse; I was suffering from bronchitis every few weeks and winding up in the emergency room. I was promised by him that he would bring her over here and yet he has not done so. He has told me that she doesn’t want to come here and he knows why but it ‘has to come from her.’ Every time I get yelled at by him I go through days of anxiety, depression, anger and helpless feelings. I don’t want to deal with him anymore and the only reason I am is because he has my daughter. I only gave him custody of her because I was needed to get at least one more year sober and he said he wanted custody for tax purposes and I needed to make up my mind. This was five years ago now. I am seriously regretting giving him residential custody. We have joint legal custody and in my eyes, he’s violating it. I’ve been very concerned about my daughter because she has been very withdrawn on the phone in the past year and this isn’t like her. There are other issues as well. The last time I made a mistake and let my sons live with their dad it messed up their lives.

I live on a very fixed income and he makes a good income so he’s got that advantage over me. But sometimes a good, attentive loving home means a whole lot more than money. I know she is home alone a lot. I know he has had two different women living there since her step-mom left and although she claims not to mind, I know kids will say things like that to make their parents happy. He gets mad at me for suggesting that he is anything like he was in the past, but I know that abusers don’t often change, particularly when they haven’t gotten any counseling. I don’t think I’m a bad person for being concerned about my daughter’s well-being. I don’t know what the solution is to this right now, but I hope that something comes to light.

I’ve been thinking a lot about why it was harder to forget him and why he was different than the last guy who was abusive. I think it was because I was older than him and I felt ‘grateful’ to have someone like him. I think it was because I had already been abused before and had that mindset also. The last guy kinda wore his abusiveness on his sleeve, but my ex husband was easily able to hide it from others and even from me at first. My best friend told me when she met him that he was the best guy I’d ever been with. If she only knew…

Filed under: autobiographical, Writing Tagged: autobiographical, blog, blogging, child custody, depression, domestic violence, drinking, justice, PTSD, relationships, sadness, spousal abuse, substance abuse

Gettin’ Saved

When words form a lyric creates a chord inside my Heart

I become emotional whenever I am reminded that we’re apart

Why must you be so cold?

I am getting, I am getting too old.

The burning inside of me has already slowed to embers,

Can you really think of anyone who truly remembers?

I know you, I know you well,

I can tell, you’re going through hell,

Can we at least talk, talk it over?

When I call, when I call, am I just a bother?

It’s been so darned long,

Outside, I am not too strong.

But inside of me is a person standing tall

I will, I will not fail, I will not fall.

My body, my body may be weak,

But my soul, my soul is full of what you seek.

Filed under: Poetry, Writing Tagged: Agape Love, beauty in poetry, christian, Christianity, coming home, Getting Saved, Glory of Christ, grace, Heaven, Holy Spirit, Jesus, love, lyrical poetry, poetry, Salvation, savior, Second Coming, Strength, true love, Violet Yates

Domestic Violence

SAD

Too many disappointments have been reaped from a sorrow-filled life…

Too many tears I have shed, for a man who called me his wife.

Often I wonder what all this is for,

Why is this load so heavy to bear?

Why am I trying so hard?

It doesn’t seem to matter anymore.

Although I have come a long way,

From the misery of before,

Still I have to wonder,

What am I here for?

 

PLEASE UNDERSTAND

Please understand:

It wasn’t just the bruises that hurt.

It was the shame,

It was and is the names.

I was sinking,

Still do sometimes…

So low.

I feel I cannot live carrying this knowledge… must relieve it, but…

I don’t know how…

I sink…

I cry, give my soul to all the world.

Few can understand my plight.

Or could back then, either…

No one can fathom…

My psychology…

How helpless I felt .

I could not emotionally survive without him…

I could not save myself…

I turned on myself…

Blamed myself.

Excused him…

At times, how I loved him! Oh it was higher than the sky!

How I hated him, at others…

Then, confusion…

Then,

Vengeful…

Most of all,

Feeling, once more,

self-blame,

at the same time,

as Hate.

A cycle.

 

Filed under: autobiographical, Poetry, Writing Tagged: anxiety, beaten, blame, broken, control, cycle of abuse, depression, divorce, domestic violence, humiliation, life, loss, love, love relationship, marriage, men, playing it safe, PTSD, recovery, relationships, sadness, self, self-esteem, selfishness, shame, spousal abuse, trauma, unhappiness, woe, women

Someone Like You

I’ve been divorced since the fall of 2007 and separated for much longer. It was a horrible time for me, and I still struggle with things that went on in my marriage and in the first few years after the separation. I’ve dealt with really awful anxiety, stress and what was later diagnosed as PTSD. I spent many years looking for someone like my ex because I was so attached to him; it as what is called ‘learned helplessness’ when a partner makes you feel as if you cannot live without them, cannot function and feel as if you have a deep black hole inside you without them. I am a survivor of domestic violence and for whatever reason I keep picking men who cheat, use and abuse me. So I’ve decided to stop looking. When I have met someone nice, the tendency to reject them is very strong; it’s on a subconscious level. I find fault with them. Having spent a lot of time alone in the past 5 years, I have had time to reflect and have only begun recognizing some of these patterns in the last couple years. I’m wary of getting involved for other reasons as well.

This song reminds me of myself for so many years. Also, lovely singing!

 

 

This song just reminds me of the insanity that was my life in the first three years after the separation.

 

 

Thanks for reading! :-)

Filed under: autobiographical, Writing Tagged: 1999, 2007, 2014, adele, adultery, blog, blogging, divorce, domestic violence, hawaiian violet, hope, learned helplessness, learning, love, marriage, recovery, reflection, relationships, sad, sadness, someone like you, therapy, thinking, thought, turning tables, youtube

Missing on Maui & the Big Island of Hawaii

Originally posted on hawaiianviolet:

Missing From: Wailuku, Hawaii

Missing Since: 01/12/14

White Female

Age at Disappearance: 46

Date of Birth: 09/08/67

Height: 5’7

Weight: 170

Eyes: Brown

Hair: Brown

Clothing: Black cargo capri pants. Cotton Shirt

Nickname: Mo

Details of Disappearance

Monsalve was last seen around 10 p.m. on January 12 at her ex-boyfriend’s home in Wailuku. She was reported missing  on January 14 and the car she had been driving was found later that day. She has never been seen or heard from since. Her case remains unsolved.

Investigative Agency

Maui Police Department ( Hawaii)

808-989-6246

Source: http://www.ncmissingpersons.org/moreira-monsalve/

Mowatch Page on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/mowatchmoreiramonsalve

If you know anything about Mo’s disappearance, please call MPD. Anything at all. Alexis and her family deserve to know, to have closure, to have justice.

Name: Carly “Charli” Scott

Missing from Makawao, Maui, Hawaii

Age: 27

Height: 5’10

Weight: 160 lbs

Hair: Red

Eyes: Green

Carly Scott’s mother reported…

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Missing on Maui & the Big Island of Hawaii

Missing From: Wailuku, Hawaii

Missing Since: 01/12/14

White Female

Age at Disappearance: 46

Date of Birth: 09/08/67

Height: 5’7

Weight: 170

Eyes: Brown

Hair: Brown

Clothing: Black cargo capri pants. Cotton Shirt

Nickname: Mo

Details of Disappearance

Monsalve was last seen around 10 p.m. on January 12 at her ex-boyfriend’s home in Wailuku. She was reported missing  on January 14 and the car she had been driving was found later that day. She has never been seen or heard from since. Her case remains unsolved.

Investigative Agency

Maui Police Department ( Hawaii)

808-989-6246

Source: http://www.ncmissingpersons.org/moreira-monsalve/

Mowatch Page on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/mowatchmoreiramonsalve

If you know anything about Mo’s disappearance, please call MPD. Anything at all. Alexis and her family deserve to know, to have closure, to have justice.

Name: Carly “Charli” Scott

Missing from Makawao, Maui, Hawaii

Age: 27

Height: 5’10

Weight: 160 lbs

Hair: Red

Eyes: Green

Carly Scott’s mother reported her missing on Monday, February 10, 2014. She was last seen by a family member on Sunday night, the 9th of February, leaving her sister’s home in her 1997 Toyota 4Runner with her dog Nala. Her dog was found in the Nahiku Marketplace unharmed. Her vehicle was found burned near the Peahi shoreline at the surf spot also known as Jaws. Charli was nearly 6 months pregnant at the time of her disappearance. Her case was reclassified as a homicide on March 7, 2014.

Contact information: Callers can remain anonymous by contacting Maui Crime Stoppers, Inc. at (808) 242-6966 or toll free from outer islands at (888) 242-6966. Maui Crime Stoppers, Inc. is a non-profit corporation that allows members of the public to remain anonymous while providing police with information vital to this case. Or you can call the Maui Police Department Tip Hotline at (808) 244-6400 Ext. 0. Crimestoppers website, click here.

For further information, please visit Charli’s family’s Find Charli Scott Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/FindCharliScott

The family is having a memorial on Sunday, March 23, 2014, at 11:00 AM. Baldwin Beach Park, Paia, Hawaii.

Please pray for justice for Charli & Joshua Aiden Scott. You will never be forgotten.

If you know anything, any tiny little thing that could help break this case or Mo’s case, CALL IT IN. You will not only be doing a service to their families but for yourself, the human race. This poor woman and child did not deserve this fate. The perpetrator(s) of this crime(s) must be called to account for what he or they have done in a court of law. Also, if you have any theories with evidence to back it up, please get in touch with police or family. If you see anyone behaving suspiciously either in the area or on the web, call. Or get in touch online.

I was surprised to find out that I had a couple friends over there in Maui who were friends with people who were friends with Charli, her friends and her ex boyfriend. The islands are that small. I am rooting for you, Charli & Joshua! Much Love from a Hawaiian Violet to a beautiful Unicorn.

Naomi Monica Shalom Sanders

Missing since June 6, 2011

Last Seen at her home in Kealakekua, Hawaii at 8pm

Big Island of Hawaii

County of Hawaii

State of Hawaii

First Name: Naomi

Middle: Monica Shalom

Maiden: Beshore

Age: 42 at disappearance

Height: 5’1-5’3

Weight: 100 -120 lbs

Hair: Brown

Eyes: Hazel

Tattoos: Tribal band tattoo upper right arm

Clothing: A blue t-shirt and black shorts or a dark red long sleeved shirt and dark-colored denim pants.

Medical: Sanders is an alcoholic. She is disabled.

Circumstances: Naomi Sanders (Beshore), female 42 years old, who resides at her mothers Kealakekua coffee-farm property, in a separate dwelling, was last seen at her residence on 06-06-2011 at about 8pm. The following morning she could not be located and mysteriously, her vehicle, purse, cell phone, etc remained. Sanders, an alcoholic, was reportedly extremely intoxicated and was acting unusual the last day she was seen but thorough searches were conducted on / around the property which resulted in no sign of Naomi.

Her bank account has been untouched. An extensive search of the area turned up no clues. She was supposed to fly to Honolulu on June 14, 2011 to have bladder surgery but never showed for her flight. A possible sighting of her on June 15 in the vicinity of the Honolulu Airport but this hasn’t been confirmed and there’s no evidence she flew at all.

Naomi was recently separated from husband, however there is no indication at this point to believe he or anyone else close to her is involved in her disappearance. She used to run a cleaning business with her husband, Professional Cleaning Systems. Little information is available. Her family believes she is deceased.

Sources: http://www.charleyproject.org/cases/s/sanders_naomi.html

http://www.missingin.org/reg6373/naomi_monica_shalom_sanders.htm

http://hilo.hawaiitribune-herald.com/sections/news/local-news/without-trace.html

I knew Naomi in High School, she was a friend of mine. I was younger than her and I knew her sister better. I was horrified and appalled to learn of her disappearance, and as the months and then years just went by with nothing new learned, it was just really awful and sad. No one knows what happened to Omi. Her sister still grieves for her. I cannot imagine any sort of real closure happening without knowing WHO, WHAT, WHEN, HOW & WHY.

Before my sister passed away, she was missing for a couple weeks. This wasn’t all that uncommon for her to fall off the radar for a few days, but weeks? Her daughter was pregnant and about to give birth. Then I called my dad and was in the process of leaving a message to say, ‘Hey maybe we ought to call in a missing person’s report,’ when my dad picked up and said my sister was dead. Eventually we got autopsy results and found out why. The who was my sister. The why is still painful to comprehend. The when was pretty easy for the ME to pinpoint. The how I still something I question.

The point is, every family needs to know. If you know what happened to Naomi, any clue whatsoever, please, do the right thing. Call Hawaii Police Department. Police Detective Sean Smith at 326-4646, ext. 262, or the police non-emergency line at 935-3311. Anonymous tips may be left at 961-8300.Thank you.

Rest in Perfect Peace.

Filed under: Crime, Hawaii, Missing Persons, Writing Tagged: 2011, abuse, alcoholic, anon, anonymous, big island, Big Island of Hawaii, Carly Joann, Carly Scott, charli scott, children, community, County of Hawaii, court of law, crimestoppers, dad, daughter, death, doing the right thing, domestic violence, family, Haiku, Hana Highway, hawaii, Hawaii Police Department, Hawaii's Missing Women, hawaiian violet, help, home, Homicide, HPD, jaws surf spot, joshua aiden scott, June 6, justice, Kailua Kona, Kainaliu, Kealakekua, Keanae, kona, Konawaena, life sentence, loss, love, Makawao, maui, Maui Crime Stoppers, Maui Police Department, memorial, middle aged women, missing, Missing Persons Hawaii, mo. alexis felicilda, mom, moreira monsalve, MPD, murder, Nahiku Marketplace, Nala, Naomi Beshore Sanders, naomi monica shalom sanders, picture, pictures, Pit bull mix, prayers, pregnancy, pregnant, pregnant woman, relationships, safe, Search and Rescue, tipline, Toyota 4Runner, tribal tatoo, unicorn, unicorns, unsolved, Without a Trace

Bipolar Disorder, Through the Lens

Violet Yates:

I love how her pictures portray how it is to be bipolar in vivid detail.

Originally posted on Don't Flinch:

Manic

Trying to photograph grief

A life

What depression feels like

Dreaming of joining the ghosts

Late night anxiety

Down again

The manic compulsion to change my place

Asking for help

Exhausted

Duality

I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type II disorder on January 28, 2014. I have been working on a series of images since then to depict what mania (hypomania) and depression have been like for me. These are the images in the series so far. I will be making more images for the series and will add them as they happen. To see these images in better quality (and to see a bit more than I have shared here) visit www.kaitmauro.com/bipolar. Some of these images, I found out today, are going to be featured in a show in New York City on March 29th. I will post more details about it later — for now I am…

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