Cate Ellink's Blog, page 11

Fearless Friday - all care, no responsibility

I'm amending my Wednesday post today - because it's Friday and I should be fearless, plus its International Women's Day which has made me think more deeply.
I was not responsible for my father or husband. They are both adults and are quite capable of deciding if they wanted to swim, and were capable of swimming, with dolphins. I may be good at swimming, but it was not my responsibility to look after them because neither asked me to, and both are capable of that. I may be female and wired to nurture and care, but it's not an obligation. I chose not to have children so I could fulfill what I wanted to do in life, that does not mean I need to have anyone act in the role of a child and demand my full attention and responsibility.
I am strong. I am fearless. I have boundaries. I look after every myself.
I am not responsible for any one else.
I can love, and l do, but that does not make those I love my responsibility.
We each have our own lives to live, our own journeys to make, and we're responsible for that; for ourselves.
I've been watching the males in my life, and they don't feel the responsibility for me that I feel for them. Somehow I got hard wired to think I have to look after others. I don't. I need to perish that thought.
I can care. I can love. It doesn't mean I am responsible for them.
Do you think I've said it enough to de-program my brain?

Wildlife Wednesday - dolphins

OMG! I've just been to Kangaroo Island and I'm going to bombard you with all the critters I saw while there. My favourite encounter first - swimming with dolphins. When I got home, I couldn't sleep, and I wrote this (below) so I'm pasting it here and only the names have been edited. I hope it captures my emotion.

Feb 25th, 2019

Today was incredible. The water was crystal clear, green, gorgeous. Not cold, perfect. The day was sunny, a bit of a breeze, hot. The Dolphins came to check us out, a mother and calf first, then a single. Then we met the pods as they came up beside us...or did we go to them? They're interested in the boat, coming to see, to ride the waves, to look at us.
After some time of watching them come, we're at the back, ready to slide in with them, mask and snorkel on, my camera in hand.
I should have looked after Mr E and Dad but I didn't. I lost myself in dolphins. They swam by, clicks and squeals and squeaks. Huge and small. The largest ones nearest to me, watching, ready to protect their pod.
And me, not even thinking of my pod, just off on my own, revelling in the experience. Then our time is up. Back to the boat. Dad and Mr E don't look good, both pale, breathing hard, looking unwell. Fuck. I should have cared, stayed with them. I help Dad up, get his gear, ply him with water. Watch him cough and hack. More fresh water. Mr E looks on, stoic, not wanting water, not all that happy.
The next group are in and I take some shots, I try my best to care but I've already shown my true colours.

An opportunity to go in again. I'm there. I'm in again. Before I do, on the back, I see the couple with the small boy. The boy has not swum but his parents have. And I understand them. I feel some camaraderie.
 Then I notice the lady, standing with a beautific smile, hands cradling her stomach, a small bulge that the sun-smart shirt sticks to. I wonder if she's pregnant but it's not something I can ask a stranger. I ask if she's okay, if she enjoyed it. She beams. Beautific becomes luminous. "My baby became active when the dolphins swam past." Oh, my heart almost melted. We spoke of it, of them, of the experience, the joy.
I mention the baby movement to the photographer on board. She's more excited than either of us. Now all three of us are buzzing. We allow the pregnant lady to get in alone. We watch the dolphins came around her, circle her. She's ecstatic, grinning, thumbs up. Her baby responds again, rolls and is active. The dolphins click and chatter as they pass her.
We go in again, and again. Again and again. Maybe 6 times. Each time is different, exciting, incredible. I talk, I roll, I swim, I follow, I twist and turn, kick and crawl, but there is no way to keep up with them. I watch them glide past, tails pulsing, as I lumber almost unmoving compared with them.
In an interlude I spot fish, inquisitive fellows who came swimming right up to me, posing for my shot. I snap weed and jellyfish, patterns in the sand, the boat and the boat's movement.
The captain, picks us up, drops us off. Easily. Flawlessly. We slip into the water as the pod arrives. They circle, sweep around us, check us all out.
They're huge. Solid, big, grey, some stick to shadows, lurking at the edges of the pod. Once I looked closely, a shark or a dolphin? But I felt no fear, just a burning curiosity and a feeling of belonging...and not belonging at all.
When it was time to go, we took off with some speed and the dolphins were there, they knew, it was playtime. They rode the waves, leaping from the water, joyous, exuberant, showing off their skills. It was the most incredible way to end the trip. A buoyant, exuberance for all.
A deeply moving day, because of the incredible experience the lady with her baby shared with us. The joy of seeing her face, her hands cradling the new life inside, the care of her little boy.
I don't think Dad and Mr E enjoyed it anywhere close to how I did, but I think they enjoyed the day. The view from the boat was quite amazing. If I manage to have energy tomorrow, then I think Mr E may be a lot happier. I don't think he can comprehend the impact the ocean has on me.
I don't think I'll ever forget this experience.
Magical.

If you want to do this, here are the details. Enjoy!!

Wildlife Wednesday - grasshopper in hiding

I was taking a photo of my flower, when I spied antennae, then a tiny grasshopper. You just never know where little critters hide in your backyard!

Fearless Friday - returned rights

My very first published story is getting a re-run.

You may remember A Real Online Fantasy looked like this when it was with Momentum Publishing. But Momentum closed down and most of the Hot Down Under Authors had their rights reverted to them...and I have taken a very long time to do that.

I have now!

Self publishing is something that scares me - even though I think it's a great option. It scares me because I'm in total control. I have to make decisions. It's all up to me. I have to sell myself, my books, pick covers, hire editors, foot bills. That's a lot of decisions weighing on me. It means I have to believe in myself and trust my judgement. I have to be fearless in my business self.

It's taken me some years to work up to that. I've tossed a few self-published stories into the mix, and found it's not that terrifying! It's no worse than sending a book to a publisher - except I wear all the costs. But if I believe in myself, that shouldn't be too much of a worry. And if I'm careful and frugal, I should be able to make end meet, right?

In my quest to be fearless, I've backed myself. I asked for my rights back. I asked a cover designer to do me a cover. I've even added to the story, so now I have Part 2 as well as the initial Part 1.

Part 1 was when Condamine and Esquire met and acted out her fantasy.

Part 2 is when they act out his.

The new cover has completely inspired me! I think I need to do parts 3, 4, 5, 6, etc.

I promise I'll show you this fabulous cover just as soon as I have all the rights reverted and I'm able to republish my story. I'm busting to show the world!!!

But let me give you a glimpse of some branding that's got some themes from the cover.

What do you think?

Wildlife Wednesday -

Today's wildlife is the coolest caterpillar. I found him hiking along my front verandah. The pointy nose and the eyes was leading the way, with the flag out the back.

I've googled to see what he may have turned into but I'm none the wiser.

Mr E thinks I should have caught it and waited for it to turn into a butterfly, but I didn't even contemplate that. What if I'd killed it inadvertently by not feeding it correctly, or not housing it right? I may never know what it became, but i bet it was cool!!!

Sunday Story - Mary Queen of Scots

I went to the movies and saw the latest movie adaptation of Mary Queen of Scots. It’s magnificent.
It took me back to when I first became interested in the history of these times when I was in Year 8 at high school and history turned to Tudor England. I don’t think history ever captured me like that period did. I was ravenous for information. I read everything I could about Henry VIII and then branched out further and further.
I think Jean Plaidy made me love Mary Queen of Scots. This movie made me love her even more.
This movie (and this period in history) fills me with hope and hopelessness. It tugs me from one extreme to the other, and I don’t know how to reconcile that.
On the hope side: Mary and her cousin, Elizabeth I, were incredible women. Strong, fierce, intelligent, born to rule (even if they were women) and they must have commanded such a presence. Elizabeth did so much to change society, and yet, there was so much more these two women could have achieved.
And here’s where the hopelessness comes in. Men did everything they could to bring these women to a halt. The savage politics of the time, the greed and lust for power, the lies and fabrications that were woven to halt changes in society were incredible. If two Queens cannot fight that, what hope do we have?
Mary and Elizabeth, were incredibly tolerant and open-minded in a society where civil wars had been fought over religion for years. They both seemed to want to rule with compassion. Neither wanted war. Both wanted cohesion, less division, more merging and blending. They were after a world where people mattered.
And they couldn’t achieve it.
Elizabeth could not allow herself to believe that Mary wasn’t trying to take her throne. They hardly knew each other, so it was a fair assumption, but was it fuelled by the men surrounding Elizabeth who wanted power and to rule beneath the skirts of a lowly woman?
Mary wanted to love and be loved. She was fooled by men who used that need to further their own political agenda.
Elizabeth resisted marriage, fearing for her rule. Mary married hoping for love, only to find herself manipulated just as Elizabeth had always feared.
Women, once again, came so close to changing the power, politics, patriarchal structures of the world. Yet men fought against any change. They banded together and used every tactic they could to stop any change. To stop peace. To stop compassion. To stop open-mindedness. To stop people being allowed to be themselves. They fought to keep their closed-minded world.
If only…

Fearless Friday - women changing the world

SheEO
Have you heard of this?

I hadn't until it came up in an email from a writing course I'd done. It blew my mind.

It's a new way of supporting women in the business world. It's in Australia and NZ as well as Canada and the US.

The Australian businesses who are short-listed for support are introduced here.

What type of businesses do women run/own that focus on positive changes in the world?

online marketing of skillshelping kids play and develop skills for work (coding), sport, and liferecycling of plastics, rubbish, clothing, goodsagricultural healthhelp for homelessindigenous storytelling and fashionjob supporthealthcare techfashionremote sensingbusiness serviceshealthy drinksenvironmentally conscious sunscreenmenstrual productsfood
The organisational structure of SheEO sounds incredible. It makes me so optimstic that there might be a way forward to a future with hope, helping, less greed, more power to all.

Are you interested in this?

Wildlife Wednesday - isopods / amphipods

I had a win, I think. I took photos on the river the other day of tiny holes in the sand and as I was down there taking the shot, I realised that there were 'bugs' running around too. I called them isopods, but I'm never confident with what I call things! So I Googled, and today I'm on a winner and doesn't that make me happy!

These were such tiny critters, maybe only the size of a pinhead. I noticed them only because of their movement. Picking them out in the photo took a bit of an effort too! And I haven't quite got them in focus either, but see how tiny they are, they make the sand grains look big!

You might remember the bugs from a huge media ruckus a couple of years ago after a person was 'attacked' by them. The Australian Museum blog has an article about Isopods that references the biting incidence. You can read it here.

Let me assure you, that even though I have these photos, and saw lots of the scurrying around on the sand, I left with all my skin intact! I might be too old and tough for these little mouth parts :)

EDITED: amphipods is what they are called in a beachcombing book I recently picked up!

Wildlife Wednesday - isopods

I had a win, I think. I took photos on the river the other day of tiny holes in the sand and as I was down there taking the shot, I realised that there were 'bugs' running around too. I called them isopods, but I'm never confident with what I call things! So I Googled, and today I'm on a winner and doesn't that make me happy!

These were such tiny critters, maybe only the size of a pinhead. I noticed them only because of their movement. Picking them out in the photo took a bit of an effort too! And I haven't quite got them in focus either, but see how tiny they are, they make the sand grains look big!

You might remember the bugs from a huge media ruckus a couple of years ago after a person was 'attacked' by them. The Australian Museum blog has an article about Isopods that references the biting incidence. You can read it here.

Let me assure you, that even though I have these photos, and saw lots of the scurrying around on the sand, I left with all my skin intact! I might be too old and tough for these little mouth parts :)

Fearless Friday - Passion

I may be an erotic writer, but in today's blog 'passion' is not about the erotic.

Passion is a strong and barely controllable emotion. Most often it is used in a romantic/sexual sense, but today, I'm using it for a more general life purpose term.

Have you had those questions thrown at you? The ones something like:
What are you passionate about?What's your passion in life?What makes you get up in the mornings?
I've had those thrown at me over the last year or more...and they've kind of had me stumped.

I like lots and lots of things. I love some things too. But passion left me kind of lost.

Then yesterday, I read an interview that had my body tingling, my mind firing on a thousand different ideas, my heart racing, and everything in me jumping up and down. It was an interview by Mark McGuiness of Vicki Saunders, which you can find here.

I did a Creativity/Productivity course online with Mark McGuiness, and his emails keep coming to my inbox. If I'm busy, I don't get a chance to read them, but yesterday I read this one (and I'm not sure why - fate poked me, I guess).

Vicki Saunders spoke to and for me. I felt every word she said. I vibrated with energy as I read what she said, had experienced, and I was incredibly inspired by what she had created SheEO.

My passion awakened as I read. My mind engaged. My body was excited. These were signs of passion. I knew it right away.

And then a strange thing happened. A tiny bit of practical advice from a friend shut me down. It was as if a light turned off and everything went dark. I gave it no thought. I went to work.

This morning, as I wrote about yesterday, I had almost finished when I remembered the interview. I wrote how I'd felt reading it. I got those bubbles again. Then I wrote about the advice. And I realised how disproportionate my reaction was to a practical response. My friend didn't laugh at me. There was no scoffing. No abuse, or discouragement. In fact, my friend acknowledged the idea I presented, and encouraged me to keep thinking.

Yet, I didn't.

Why?

I'm scared of passion.

I've always been a firey, passionate person. I'd have an idea and I'd run with it. I'd push shit uphill if I thought it had a worthwhile purpose. I'm not afraid of hardwork, so long as it has purpose and I'm passionate about it.

So often through life people laughed or scoffed at my ideas. Usually it didn't bother me. Often I didn't listen and went ahead anyway. Sometimes I listened and stopped. Other times I gave my ideas away to see them used by others later. And these were fine.

But... I can pinpoint the event where my passion died. Where the fire inside me was extinguished. Where everything I was passionate about, everything I'd worked for, everything that made me who I was, was snuffed.

It's a time in my life that almost killed me. I think if I wasn't such a tenacious, pig-headed, stubborn person, I wouldn't have made it through.

Since then I've steered well clear of passion. I've made myself into a cautious, controlled, contained, shut off person. Nothing I do is all-consuming because there is no way in god's earth I will go through the completely gut-wrenching, demoralising, soul destroying, horror of having my passion torn away from me.

And that's not right.

That's not who I am.

That's not who I am meant to be.

But it's terrifying to be reduced to nothing. It's terrifying to have everything torn away. It's terrifying to completely lose control of your life. I hate being terrified.

I want to be passionate. I want my fire. I want to feel that energy bursting through me.

So, today I have a dilemma. How fearless can I be?

I don't know the answer to that.