Donald Miller's Blog, page 81

Don’t Expand Your Influence, Deepen It.

A long, long time ago I ran a very small publishing company in Oregon. Part of my job was to create a database and sales system to chart our orders. I noticed that, while we had about a thousand customers, only a hundred or so of them were supporting our business. Initially, I wanted to expand the business to grow our customer base even larger. We spent thousands of dollars in this attempt, visiting trade shows and printing expensive catalogs. But sooner or later I realized it wasn’t working. I mean we did see an increase in business, but it brought in about as much profit as our marketing efforts cost. So I changed our strategy.

We began to focus on the one-hundred customers who were already faithful and familiar with our products. I created a monthly newsletter that I printed right off my desktop and sent it to these hundred customers each month. I also made a call list and called as many as twenty or thirty, personally, every month. And I noticed our business increased, while our overhead stayed the same. These customers gave us more prominent positions in their catalogs and in their stores.

I’d say this general principal applies to much more than business. Perhaps those deep relationships you long for are all around you, they’ve just not been deepened yet. Perhaps the fulfilling, romantic amazement you’ve been reading romance novels to experience could actually come from that guy snoring in bed next to you each night.

For the rest of this year, try focussing on what is already around you, try cultivating the seeds that have been planted, or the plants that are just producing a little bit of fruit. My guess is this will be easier than going out into the rocks to chip away at a brand new garden.




A repost from the archives

Don’t Expand Your Influence, Deepen It. is a post from: Storyline Blog

How Being Too Competitive Too Early Can Hurt You

I know nothing about physics. My science journey ended in high school after a generous B minus in Chemistry my junior year.

But I was fascinated last week to read the story of Nobel Prize winning physicist, Peter Higgs.

Nearly five decades ago, a young Peter Higgs theorized that there was a particle that acts as the building blocks of the universe. He believed that a subatomic particle must exist that made matter clump together to form everything around us today.

His theory hinged on the existence of a so-called “God Particle” and while his ideas were good, they couldn’t be proven. Until now.

In July of this year, with the 84-year-old Higgs sitting in the lecture hall, the European Organization for Nuclear Research announced that Higgs’ theory as a young man in Edinburgh, Scotland, was indeed true. He had been right all along.

The resulting emotion from the very stoic British physicist is pretty cool. He’s clearly moved to tears upon hearing that his theory has been proved while he receives praise from the scientists around him. Here’s the quick video:

Storyline Blog

The Story You’re Believing May Be a Lie

Recently I spoke at a conference and didn’t feel good about my presentation. I’d say I hit a single. I don’t like hitting anything less than a home run. And if I hit anything under a double, I feel terrible for days.

I knew I hadn’t done well. I chose the wrong talk for the wrong audience. It was a group of accountants and I talked about narrative strategy in marketing. Quite a dopey move. Regardless, though, people were kind enough and said they enjoyed it but I knew I could have done better.

When I left the conference, two gentlemen boarded my plane and walked by my seat. One leaned over to the other and said “I’m glad I don’t have to sit next to him.”

*Photo by Michelle Lee, creative commons

What? Was my talk that bad? Do they really not want to even hear the sound of my voice?

I spent the two hour flight reworking my talk so it would never fail again. And I made a list of all the good things that would come out of my recent failure, including having rewritten the talk to make it better. And yet the idea those guys wouldn’t even want to sit next to me bothered me.

• • •

And then it occurred to me that I really didn’t know the whole story. I’d assumed they didn’t want to sit next to me because my talk was so bad, but how did I know for sure?

When I got off the plane, I waited a couple minutes for them to come up the ramp and I mentioned we’d been at the same conference, I asked if there was anything I could do to improve my lecture. They both looked at me blankly. Finally, one of them said “Were you at the State Farm conference?”

I hadn’t been. In fact, those guys weren’t even at my lecture, and they weren’t even at the conference I spoke at. And when they got on the plane, they weren’t even talking about me.

The whole thing made me wonder what other false narratives I was inventing in my head. How many people do I think don’t like me who actually do? How many people have I been offended by when I actually just misunderstood them?

Since then, I’ve been careful to follow up on every story I tell myself about somebody being upset or disapproving of me. It’s been remarkable. I’d say up to 90% of the time, I’ve got the wrong story floating around in my brain.

Imagine how much unnecessary negativity floats around in our brains because we’ve made up a story in our mind, convinced the narrative is true?

Are there any stories floating around in your head you might need to follow up on? It’s certainly made my life better. Hope it works for you, too.

The Story You’re Believing May Be a Lie is a post from: Storyline Blog

The Best Viral Videos We Found This Week

The bus driver saving the woman video won your vote last week. Which one will it be this week?

The Best Viral Videos We Found This Week is a post from: Storyline Blog

Lazy Christian Advice – “Hang in there, God is in control”

About 20 seconds after I took this picture Losiah told me he wanted down.

I could have told him to hang in there, that God was in control.

Then let him fall to his certain death after his hands give way to the weight of his problem.

OK. Maybe not death, but CPS would come knocking for sure.

But you know what I did?

I walked over to him and held him up.

Then I helped him down.

3 months ago I had a friend tell me to “hang in there, God is in control” while I was going through one of the toughest seasons of my life.

As Christians we pull this crap with people all the time.

Sure God is in control.

But He created us to be His hands and feet.

So before you are tempted to say “Hang in there”, walk over to your friend who is hanging and hold them up.

Cause pretty soon, you will be the one “hanging in there”.

When was the last time you were the one “hanging”?

Los

Lazy Christian Advice – “Hang in there, God is in control” is a post from: Storyline Blog

How My 3 Year Old Son Became a Pastor in a Rainstorm

Many years ago, when our boys were 3 and 6, our family took off for a weekend in the mountains. We found a great cabin, settled in and decided to take a hike that afternoon in the Stone Door Wilderness area with its stunning views of a long, deep valley.

This hike was going to be challenge, particularly for 3-year-old Brent. It was one mile to the destination; one mile back. This would be his longest hike ever and he decided that he wanted to do the whole thing without any assistance (no piggyback rides).

Soon after our hike began, it started to rain. To distract us from our the impending misery, we sang hiking songs, played “I Spy,” and I told the kids that as a reward for the hike, we’d have some hot chocolate (their favorite) when we got back to the cabin.

That announcement seemed to add a bit of a kick to their steps as we kept going. Along the way, we saw a copperhead (I pretended to be brave), a stunning view of the valley below, steep cliffs, and an exquisite palate of autumn leaves. But as we ventured, the hike became both soggy and exhausting and halfway back, the younger troops were wearing thin. Again as a distraction, I said, “While we’re walking, let’s talk about our favorite parts of the hike”.

Hunter, the older brother by 3 years, said, “My favorite part was the copperhead.”

My wife Nita said, “I loved the view from the top of the cliffs.”

I said, “The rock passage way at the Stone Door.”

And Brent, the 3 year old, said, “My favorite part was the hot chocolate, with whipped cream,” which of course, we hadn’t consumed yet and I never mentioned whipped cream.

*Photo by Maria Ziesche, creative commons

I loved his answer and it made me chuckle. It was so real to him that it kept him going. It was something he was anticipating and drew him down the path like a magnet. And it gave him hope and the needed energy to keep walking.

I remember when hot chocolate did that for me. (Frankly, sometimes it still does!) But eventually, it was replaced by something called faith and a longing for a future hope. It’s that thing that pulls me through that space “between the dreaming and the coming true.”* Without it, I’m not sure I could make it.

And if faith just happens to come with hot chocolate and whipped cream, that’s just fine with me.

• • •

So, what is it that motivates you to take the next step, when the rain, and the mud, and the aching muscles beckon you to quit? (What gives you hope?)

*Between the Dreaming and the Coming True is the title of a book by Robert Benson

How My 3 Year Old Son Became a Pastor in a Rainstorm is a post from: Storyline Blog

How to Handle a Bully

We all have to face them from time to time. Even as adults, bullies stumble across our paths. They’re loud, obnoxious, make shocking statements and have no perception of social boundaries. Bullies must have the world their way, and if you don’t see the world their way, they see you as an enemy.

Bullies love to entangle you in their world. Bullies get validation one of two ways, 1. Getting you to submit to them as the authority figure (even in areas where they have no authority) or 2. Feeling powerful by frustrating the lives of people who won’t submit.

The best thing you can do with a bully (and by far the most frustrating thing you can do to them) is to completely ignore them. They’ll use drama and demands to scare you, but don’t worry, if they don’t have any real authority, there’s nothing they can do. Just don’t return the call, text message, dark stare or email. Sooner or later they’ll move on to somebody else. If you aren’t making them feel more powerful, they’ll lose interest.

Still, many have to work with bullies or even have them as family members. What do you do about bullies you simply must interact with?

Here are some tips:

• Put distance between their demands and your compliance. If at all possible, respond to their dramatic demands with statements like “I’ll think about that and get back to you.” Take a couple days before you let them know what you’re going to do. Honestly ask yourself what you want. Bullies don’t want you to think about yourself, they want you to fear them so you’ll comply to their need for power. Sooner or later, the bully will get tired of your unwillingness to fear them and comply. They’ll move on. And honestly, they’ll actually respect you. They won’t like you, but they’ll respect you. Bullies secretly loathe the people who always comply with them.

• Let it be known they’re hard to work with. Don’t gossip or counter-attack, but if they work on your team, let the leader of the team or your boss know that a member of your team has a bullying personality and it’s affecting morale. Often, bullies gain power because they get so much done for a company, but there is always a downside: Morale sinks, people hate coming to work and so on. If your boss never knows about the bullies downside, they won’t count the cost. If you politely and appropriately let them know, sooner or later they’ll have to consider letting the bully go.

• Don’t Counter-Attack. Bullies are born for war. They secretly believe people are out to get them and have likely felt that way since childhood. In other words, they’ve spent a lifetime scheming ways to control everybody around them so they won’t get hurt again. You, on the other hand, haven’t spent much time at all wondering how to control people. Who do you think is going to win that fight? They are. So don’t fight with them. When having a conversation about a famous bully-pastor we both know, my friend Chris Seay recommended walking away from him. If you wrestle with the pigs, you both get dirty. So let’s not counter attack.

• • •

In summary:

1. Avoid them if you can. Ignore them if you must and don’t feel bad about it.

2. Place time between their demands and your personal decision as to whether you want to comply. As much time as possible.

3. Let it be known to the appropriate authorities that you don’t like working with them. Don’t gossip. Be respectful.

4. Don’t counter-attack. You’ll lose. You aren’t wired the way they are. Just ignore them and be happy.

Sorry you’re dealing with a bully. Make wise decisions and don’t stoop to their level. You’re likely to come out better for the experience.

How to Handle a Bully is a post from: Storyline Blog

Why We Love Those Who Don’t Love Us Back

A few years ago I wrote a post on my blog English Lessons entitled “Why Do We Love Those Who Don’t Love Us Back?” It is consistently my most-read post, and the most common search term that brings people to English Lessons is a variation of that question: Why do I love someone who doesn’t love me back?

People Google that. A lot of people Google that. Unrequited love is a mystery we are asking a search engine to solve for us. Loving someone who doesn’t seem to return our feelings is painful, and when God doesn’t make the pain go away when we ask Him to, we ask Google.

I dated a guy in college I was over the moon for. I loved him, no question. But then he broke up with me. And a year after we broke up, I still felt like I loved him. I needed to move on. Friends agreed, it was time. But I didn’t know how. I couldn’t decipher the steps to take to stop loving him. One night in a Phoenix hotel room while I was traveling with my family on Christmas break, I confessed this to my parents. I confessed as I cried and then I apologized for how stupid it was that I was crying, and then I cried about the stupidity of crying, and then I just kept crying. Until my dad provided the most simple of responses that would be the catalyst for my recovery: “You can’t help who you love.”

*Photo by Brandon Warren, creative commons

I realize now that maybe those words were so helpful because my dad was using the plural “you.” He wasn’t saying, “You, Andrea, are unique and can’t stop loving the person that broke your heart.” He was saying that none of us can stop loving the people we don’t have business loving. The power of this — realizing your problem is shared by many others — can not be underestimated.

• • •

A few years ago when I first explored this question, I drew parallels to the Gospel. I decided we felt unrequited love because that mirrored the cross so well, and that’s where our solace is in the midst of this. I still believe that, but now that I’ve seen how many people need an answer to this question and how much peace I felt in that Phoenix hotel room when I realized I wasn’t alone, I think the comfort can be found just as much in the communal element as it can in the Gospel.

In Mere Christianity C.S. Lewis explains that opening our eyes to this community is what opens our eyes to God: “For that is what God meant humanity to be like; like players in one band, or organs in one body. Consequently, the one really adequate instrument for learning about God is the whole Christian community, waiting for Him together.”

Look around you. How many are suffering from loving an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend? Or a family member who has said so many hurtful things and missed so many birthdays that they no longer deserve love? Or a child who ran away and never looked back? Or a parent who never said “I love you” to her child? All of them are loved by someone, and that someone is uncertain as to why they still love them, the one they have no business loving.

And maybe they are asking Google why, but they can be certain they are not alone and in that certainty they will see God.

Why We Love Those Who Don’t Love Us Back is a post from: Storyline Blog

My Problem with the Word “Biblical”

I’m spending a season in the deep south and recently attended a Christian conference. I enjoyed it a great deal, but one thing the speaker kept saying didn’t resonate. He kept using the word “Biblical.” The word itself is fine as it’s neutral, but he was using it to talk about relationships and how we should interact with each other. I found myself wondering if I wouldn’t trust the information more if he wouldn’t use that word, not because I don’t trust the Bible, but because I took enough seminary classes to know that in no way did any writer in the Scriptures intend for the book to be a comprehensive manual on how to do relationships.

Lately I’ve realized my conservative southern upbringing, while filled with the teaching of Scripture, nearly ruined the Bible for me. It was used as a comprehensive description of God, a voting pamphlet informing who I should vote for, a science book explaining why modern biologists were wrongly interpreting their findings and so on. It wouldn’t be for years until I sat under a professor who I believed got it right.

The various and diverse essays of the Bible were written long before we began to interpret historical accounts literally. This book does not read like an article in the New York Times, nor like a modern self-help book. In fact, much of the style of literature the Bible employs (and there are various styles which should be read differently) are no longer used or interpreted the same way. These essays, letters, plays and poems were written to cultures that would have read and understood them very differently than the way you and I understand them today.

And so this idea that a thought the Bible presents a comprehensive guide for relationships that is Biblical is, in fact, not a Biblical idea. Nor is it “biblical” for us to use the Bible as a guide to understand science. Or psychology or finances or a guide for how to build a church. In fact, our desire to use the book as a guide for anything is a misuse of it.

Can it inform a how-to guide? Sure, but it isn’t in itself one at all. It isn’t trying to be one.

*Photo by Ryk Neethling, Creative Commons

2 Timothy says all scripture is given by God and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, and for instruction in righteousness, and yet it’s doubtful Paul knew when he wrote those words, or any of the other words he wrote, that they would some day be considered Scripture themselves. And to assume he did is to assume something the Bible doesn’t clearly state.

Not only this, but this passage says nothing of turning the Bible into comprehensive proof of anything. I suspect, in part, we’ve turned the Scriptures into a series of absolute truths we can use for and against various ideas so we can have more control over people. Who, after all, can argue with us if our ideas are “biblical?” You have to admit the temptation to use Scripture to “end an argument” is enticing. But what if the book itself were never intended for such a purpose?

• • •

Here’s my question, what’s the difference between a heretic with a liberal interpretation and a heretic who makes the Bible more conservative and literal than it was intended by God to be? In my opinion, there isn’t a difference. And yet how many teachers and theologians are challenged for “conservative heresy” for using the word “biblical” to support whatever psychological or scientific theory they want to espouse? Why don’t we just say here’s an idea that makes sense to me and it happens to be supported by the sciences and even the Bible has some poetic, though hardly absolute comments on the subject? I’d say the more controlling personalities would have a serious problem with the looseness of that language, and yet the looseness of that language is all the Bible really gives them. Any more assuredness on their part, I assure you, they’re making up and passing themselves off as literalists.

So what is the Bible, then? In my opinion, it’s a book that is God breathed, which is a mystery and a paradox that makes more controlling teachers insecure. And yet that’s all it ever claims to be.

I miss studying the Bible as a wonderful piece of God-breathed literature. I think when we turned it into a book of rules, facts and absolutes, we killed its beauty. We killed something that was once alive so we could control it and make it serve our will.

I guess I just don’t believe the word Biblical is all that “Biblical” anymore. Call me legalistic, but I’m choosing to take the Bible at its word.

My Problem with the Word “Biblical” is a post from: Storyline Blog

Sunday Morning Sermon: e.e. cummings Punctuates His Praise

When I was just out of high school I began memorizing poems. I started doing it to impress girls but quickly found my mind full of an incredible economy of words I’ve spent the last twenty years putting to good use. I don’t have any better advice for somebody who wants to write than to carry a few poems around in their pocket, written on index cards.

One of the poems that served both my writing career and my soul is a few oddly punctuated lines from e.e. cummings. Economical and lean, pregnant with sincere praise, I thank You God for most this amazing day will be uttered a hundred years from now and a hundred after that. I’ll print the poem for you here and then a recording of Cummings reading the poem below. A good Sunday morning, indeed.

I thank You God for most this amazing

day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees

and a blue dream of sky; and for everything

which is natural, which is infinite, which is yes

(I who have died am alive again today,

and this is the sun’s birthday;

this is the birthday of life and of love and wings; and of the gay

great happening ilimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing

breathing any – lifted from the no

of all nothing – human merely being

doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and

now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

Sunday Morning Sermon: e.e. cummings Punctuates His Praise is a post from: Storyline Blog