Donald Miller's Blog, page 7

Why You Feel Bored When You Have a Million Things to Do

When I hear the word “bored” an image pops into my mind of being a kid in the summer, tossing around those lethargic words when it seems too hot to play outside and no one can come over, and you’re in between your favorite Nickelodeon shows.

When we were young, bored was a word that meant, “There’s nothing to do.”

As an adult, I find I can feel something like “bored” whether I’m busy or not so much—and for better or worse, there’s technically always something I could be doing, so it’s not really a matter of needing to come up with more to-dos.

Perhaps now being bored has less to do with “there’s nothing to do” and more to do with “why am I doing this thing I’m doing right now?” Whether that thing be another random Wednesday at your job, studying for a standardized test you’re not even sure you should take, or cleaning up the kitchen…again.

This version of boredom seems to be more about meaning than about a lack of activity.

When my kid-self was “I’m bored”-ing to a parent or a babysitter or a grandparent, it seemed like that older-and-in-charge person was able to spot so many things to do that I couldn’t see, and/or had this cheerful, enthusiastic approach to pastimes that I saw as old hat or unattainable or too much trouble.

As an older and wiser adult, I’m sure it’s easy to look at a seven-year-old and think, “Oh my gosh! It’s a beautiful summer day, we have a water hose and a sprinkler to our name, you’ve got a stack of books to read, and there’s an entire tub of play-doh you could get out.

The options are endless, and on top of that, they’re fun!”

Their more seasoned perspective could easily see the joys of the options at hand.

I wonder if sometimes there’s a similar relationship between the grown up version of being bored and a God who looks down and says, “Oh man! If you could only see how many great choices you’ve got and what gifts are all around you!”

This doesn’t change that adult life is not always brimming with the grown-up equivalents of water sprinklers and play-doh; there are of course times to confront big questions about calling and purpose and the practical solutions to those questions.

But it reminds me that the tedium we encounter in the day-to-day can be alleviated at least a little by adjusting my attitude to include a wider perspective, even if it’s only an imagined one.

Something good happens when I see my same situation from a new angle.

Frederick Buechner says that “to be bored is to turn down cold whatever life happens to be offering you at the moment.” For me, this means that sometimes, getting un-bored is a matter of seeing things in a new light.

Whatever form that bored feeling takes, I’m telling myself not to dramatically lament the circumstances like my younger self, but to see the feeling as a “ding ding ding” urging me to look a little closer, see what else is here, and enjoy whatever I can about the moment that’s presenting itself.

What can I enjoy about this exact moment in my life?

Maybe this moment allows me to zoom in and appreciate something small, or zoom out and remember something bigger than me or someone other than me, or maybe it’s just a chance to remember that some moments are less sensational than others and that’s part of life.

Either way, it’s a ping on my radar:

What am I missing here? What can I give my attention to? What can I try better to see?

Fear Spreads Like A Disease But This Is The Cure

A few months ago I heard Bob Goff speak, and he got me thinking about something.

Do you remember the legend of Johnny Appleseed? You probably heard stories about him when you were a kid. He walked all over the place, dropping apple seeds wherever he went and growing up orchards all across the continent.

I think Bob’s like that guy, only instead of dropping apple seeds, he drops little truth bombs everywhere he goes.

I can’t wait to see what they grow up into.

Anyway, the thing Bob said that I’ve been thinking about is this: When you’re not afraid, the people around you are not afraid.

Fearlessness spreads.

I am not fearless, as it turns out.

There was a snake in my driveway last week and I considered never walking back out to my car. I’ve pretty much ruled out opening the garage door ever again. Who needs a garage that opens? What do we even keep out there? Bikes? I can live without a bike.

Fear closes us in and makes our world smaller. But fearlessness spreads.

So how do we get fearless?

I don’t know, but I do know that fear and love don’t play well together. There’s not room for both.

Love starts herding fear out the door.

If I loved the snake, I guess I would be less afraid of walking out to my front yard, but I don’t see that happening any time soon. That’s okay, though, because love is creative. Love has other ideas.

What if instead of trying to love the snake, I work on loving the world—the whole thing? The world is a big, creative gift that we get to walk around in every day. I love that.

And that totally benign, not-poisonous garden snake is part of it.

Huh. I guess I could believe that.

Even a little tiny crumb of love starts pushing back at fear, and fearlessness spreads.

Wouldn’t you rather live brave?

Wouldn’t you rather make decisions from a place of peace?

If you’re walking around afraid—afraid of those people, afraid of ideas that aren’t your own, afraid of change—you won’t spread fearlessness. You’ll spread fear.

That’s the way it works.

If we want to be a community of people unafraid of the future, unafraid to change the world, unafraid of doing the right thing—and here I’m going to define the “right thing” as being thing one that brings more peace, more patience, more goodness, more gentleness, more kindness, more joy to any situation—we need to be people who love well and love often.

Love drives away fear, and then that fearlessness spreads.

We can start being who we’re meant to be and doing what we were made to do. Our fearlessness spills out onto the people around us so they can start being who they were made to be, too.

Fearlessness spreads, love kicks out fear.

If you want to be a little more fearless, start by spreading the love.

Do You Really Need to “Hustle” to Make A Good Life?

Ah, the hustle.

It comes in the form of anxiety, guilt, and comparison. We’ve been told that it’s good, but it exhausts us, leaves us defeated, and makes us think that perhaps life would better be lived under the covers of our nice, cozy, beds.

At least there, we tell ourselves, we’d find peace, rest, and simplicity.

But you and I both know that’s not realistic.

There is dinner to prepare, laundry to wash, homework to supervise, a blog post to write. The to-do list hangs over us like a black cloud.

It seems almost never-ending, which means we often feel never-rested.

We can’t live like this.

Doctors, psychology, studies, and history tell us that the never-rested life is often a short one.

We need rest like we need nourishment, but our society is in the practice of denying this.

The number of hours we sleep (or don’t sleep) has become one of highest badges of honor. We proudly proclaim that we haven’t had a vacation in multiple years, a date night in multiple months, or a nap in multiple weeks.

“I’m just so busy!” we explain.

I was talking with a friend the other day.

Sitting across from me, over coffee, she explained that she had to order a quad venti in order to get going during the day. Each afternoon, she would down at least one energy drink to help her work through the afternoon slump and late into the evening.

She’d pick up dinner on the way home, she said, and most of the time she ate it standing up, over the sink, while shouting at the kids to get in bath or bed.

The sad thing is, I related.

A few years ago, I was in her shoes.

Our conversation turned, thankfully, to seeking a solution. We both admitted that hustle was a struggle, and that the call to not only be enough, but to be MORE, was running and ruining our lives.

And right there, on the back of Starbucks napkins, we made an anti-hustle manifesto.

It goes like this:

I will sit down when I eat.
I will slowly ease myself off of caffeine, reserving coffee for social situations instead of everyday life.
I will schedule guilt-free nap time.
I will admit that I need rest.
I will admit that “busy” exhausts me.
I will not compare myself to people who seem to be able to scale Kilimanjaro in a single day.
I will thoughtfully define what DAILY success means to ME, and I will celebrate achieving it.
I will not berate myself for days that I don’t hit that success bar.
I will sit down when I eat.
I will walk to the other room to communicate with my kids and spouse.
I will schedule date nights like they are business meetings.
I will schedule workouts and walks and will not berate myself if I only get to the gym a few times a month.
I will daily do my best, and accept that it is enough.

You could probably add a few lines to that manifesto.

In fact, I encourage you to.

When was the last time you said you were too busy?

Why did you say it? Is the busy-ness for a meaningful cause? Is that busy-ness something you can directly correlate with progress in your life? When was the last time you were exhausted? Why did you not take a nap or go to bed early?

Was it for a good reason?

What are you sacrificing rest for?

4 Reasons for Optimism in Today’s World

There is a lot of bad news out there. If you turn on the TV, the stories on the news describe grim economic times, a world at war, the breakdown of society, and a pending zombie apocalypse.

This type of news messes with our belief systems. More than anything it makes us afraid. Unless bomb shelters count, scared people don’t create much. They don’t create because they are pre-occupied with protecting what is closest to them. This is basic human nature.

On the contrary, people who do create are the ones filled with hope. They see the world for what it could be.

What many people don’t realize is that we live in a world with more opportunity, hope, and potential than ever before. For some reason, we often allow the overwhelmingly good news to be fiercely overshadowed by a potent but small percentage of bad news.

Here are 4 Reasons For Profound Optimism In Today’s World and why NOW is the time to do something awesome:

1. Our World Is Profoundly At Peace

The world we live in is at peace — profoundly at peace. Author Steven Pinker says that we are living in the most peaceful times in human history. The richest countries of the world are not in militaristic geopolitical competition with one another. This is a historical rarity. You would have to go back hundreds of years to find a similar period of time.

With a 24-hour news cycle you can watch a bomb going off in Afghanistan or hear of a terror plot in Times Square and think we live in dangerous times. But here is the truth:

The number of people who have died as a result of war, civil war, and, yes, terrorism, is down 50% this decade from the 1990s. It is down 75% from the preceding five decades, the decades of the Cold War, and it is, of course, down 99% from the decade before that, which is World War II.

2. Economies Are Flourishing – Despite The Recent Downturn

I know, times have been tough. But think long term here. In 1980, the number of countries that were growing at 4% a year — robust growth — was around 60. By 2007, it had doubled. Even now, after the financial crisis, that number is more than 80.

Even in the current period of slow growth, the global economy as a whole will grow 10% to 20% faster this decade than it did a decade ago, and 60% faster than it did two decades ago. Seven of the ten fastest growing economies are in Africa alone. This is nothing short of incredible.

3. The Remarkable Reduction in Global Poverty

The United Nations estimates that poverty has been reduced more in the past 50 years than in the previous 500 years. And much of that reduction has taken place in the last 20 years. Life expectancy across the world has risen dramatically. We gain five hours of life expectancy every day — without even exercising! A third of all the babies born in the developed world this year will live to be one hundred.

4. The Power of Education & the Role of Women

The number of global college graduates has risen fourfold in the last 40 years for men and sevenfold for women. The empowerment of women, whether in a village in Africa or a boardroom in America, is good for the world. We can look forward to a world enriched and ennobled by women’s voices.

• • •

So what does all this mean?

It means that more than ever, these are the times for you to make a significant difference in the world.

If you live in the global north and have a college degree, you are effectively a member of the most powerful people group the world has every known.

This isn’t a time to be scared. This is a time to be bold – a time to do work that matters. A time to leverage this unique point in human history that you are privileged to be a part of.

• • •

Now, I don’t believe in the myth of progress – that just by existing, over time, human beings will eventually figure out how to solve problems and save the world. I believe, as Dr King says,

“Human progress never rolls in on the wheels of inevitability; it comes through the tireless efforts of people willing to be co-workers with God.”

– Martin Luther King, Jr.

I believe that for centuries, God has been putting these pieces together. Despite the downturn in traditional church attendance,

I believe hundreds of millions of human beings have become co-workers with God to solve the greatest challenges of our time.

In His genius and benevolence, God uses weak-kneed, distracted, and anxious humans to achieve remarkable things in their daily lives.

God believes in this world and wants to invite you into His redemption of it. This invitation is an opportunity to impact the lives of others, change the world, and have your own heart and mind transformed as well.

Despite the darkness in our world…

Within every tiny glimmer of hope is the hand of God clasped in partnership with the hands of human beings.

How exciting that we get to participate in this.

As Gary Haugen notes,

“The almighty God of the universe is prepared to use us, his people, to seek justice, to rescue the oppressed, to defend the orphan and to plead for the widow. How? By using the gifts, resources, relationships, expertise, and power that he has given us. Because the reason he has granted us these things is not merely for our joy (though great joy they rightly bring) but so that we might serve those who lack them.”

Despite the bad news you see on TV, good is winning in the world. And you have a chance to be a part of the team. The team of light and the team of hope.

• • •

Will you do something for me?

In the comments below, how does this news make you feel? Do you believe it? If not, why? What’s your role in all of this?

*Borrowed in parts from Fareed Zakaria’s 2012 Harvard Commencement Address

The Difference Between Passing Judgement and Seeking Justice

When I think about someone passing judgment, I get a pit in my stomach. Past pains, failures, and hurt feelings stream through my mind. Coaches passed judgment on my ability to make the team, employers passed judgment on my work, and friends passed judgment on the future of our relationship.

Sometimes I have measured up and sometimes I have not… but I have never enjoyed it when people passed judgment on me.

What I have learned is that passing judgment is nothing more than a measurement.

Judgments are just cold static rulers that generate a passing or failing grade. They are impersonal scoreboards that reveal the outcome of a game. Even the most accurate judgment only reveals what has already happened.

In many ways, it is easy to pass judgment on others. It does not require a relationship or a commitment to the future. When a defendant leaves a courtroom after being judged guilty, the jury is no longer involved. 

The jury does not go with the convicted person to prison or home with the victim.

It would be a mistake to suggest that we should never make judgments about people and events. 

In fact, judgments can provide the candor and truth that drive injustices to be defeated. Passing judgment is not the opposite of seeking justice—it is necessary, but in itself is not the sufficient end that brings justice. Judgments can require very little of us and can be passed quickly from a pristine perch. They can be posted on social media, whispered as gossip, and pronounced in courts.

If our journey stops at the threshold activity of passing judgments, we miss the joy of seeking justice.

Seeking justice is a far nobler endeavor.

It requires personal involvement, time, resources, and energy. We get mud on our boots and dirt on our hands when we seek justice.  Seeking justice is about far more than announcing something to be right or wrong. Justice is about ending pain, protecting victims, and bringing reconciliation.

Justice makes wrong things right.

A few weeks ago I was jogging in Brooklyn when I saw three middle school boys running into the street dribbling basketballs. They were screaming and taunting as they began to throw the basketballs at a man riding a scooter. They hit him several times, causing him to completely lose control of his bike. 

Cars swerved out of the way and I stopped in my tracks, fixed on the scene that had just unfolded. 

The boys’ laughter erupted as the man on the scooter looked dazed and confused.

Just then a mother pushing her child in a stroller came near to the scene. She scolded them, shouting, “That is not right! What you boys are doing is not right!” They paid little attention to her, but they collected their basketballs and ran on. 

It seemed the drama of the moment had ended, but the mother did not just continue on her way. She went to the man on the bike to make sure he was okay. He was fine and quite grateful for her intervention. The entire scene ended as quickly as it had begun, and all of the parties went their separate ways. 

I was just a bystander, but that young mother was fantastic.

She sought justice and cared for a stranger who was being picked on for no reason.  She passed judgment—she declared what was right and what was wrong—without mincing words. But she did not stop there. 

She did not have to get involved and interrupt her busy day. She was a justice seeker not merely a judgment passer—she tried to turn a wrong situation right.

Our culture is not in need of more drive-by judgments about the events of our day or peoples’ public failures. It needs justice seekers who cling to truth without losing their compassion.

People who seek justice are honest about failure, but do not sentence people to a life defined by their worst acts or the painful things done to them. Merely passing judgment brings loneliness, fear, anxiety, and self-loathing for those who are judged, and perhaps for those who have passed judgment as well. 

Seeking justice restores, heals, and corrects.

It brings hope for a better future for everyone involved: the offender, the victim, and the bystander. 

Developing a culture postured to seek justice starts with us choosing not to pass judgment without a willingness to get involved. We must also be an active participant, seeking justice with our lives and being open to interruptions that call us to action. Let us never confuse passing judgment with seeking justice.

Why Everything is Awful and You’re Probably Going to Die

Every morning Betsy and I wake up and check the people news. By people news I mean Twitter, Instagram and for Betsy, Facebook. I’m not on Facebook (which makes me morally superior in some way) and talk about who’s doing what in the world.

There are two things we can count on every morning.

The first is picture’s of her baby sister (Betsy is the oldest of seven. Her parents adopted an overly cute baby last year) to which we will comment or tweet back “so cute”. I might as well have “so cute” on auto reply for anything sent to me by Betsy’s family. It would always be the appropriate response.

The second thing we can count on is a sling of twitter absolutes.

A twitter absolute is a phrase or statement presented as an infallible law that, upon further examination, is neither provable or remotely true. And yet we all fall for them.

Twitter absolutes work best when they’re associated with some sort of fatal threat.

For instance:

“Too much thinking about yourself is a path to isolation.” Of course this all sounds wise and knowing and vaguely true, but if you think about it, it’s logically absurd. Everybody loves a good narcissist, after all. They have lots of friends.

And even if they don’t, they’re fine because they haven’t figured out people don’t like them. Hardly a path to isolation.

Not only this, the saying is presented as a law. But it’s not a law.

Context is everything.

I think the issue here is people like to have little truths they can cling to to give themselves a sense of security, and we are willing to believe them for the security, not because they actually make sense. It’s true that life feels like a game or a contest and it’s something people are trying to win. And games have rules. The more we know the rules the more we can feel like we are winning. Ooooh, that last sentence would make a good tweet, actually.

In my humble opinion (okay, not so humble. There’s nothing humble about blogging your opinions. Can we just agree on that?) I think we’re getting a little black and white in our thinking and a little dramatic in the results we’re pitching.

The sure way to get somebody to agree with you is to over-dramatize the fallout if they don’t.

I read Betsy a tweet this morning that said:

“The more your career is about you, the faster it will self destruct.” Really? I mean it’s a nice thought that points us toward a more selfless perspective, but is that really a law? I wanted to tweet “the more your life is about your dog the faster your dog will explode” just to see if people would retweet it.

Anyway, Betsy and I don’t buy into the little sayings anymore. We think it’s a lot of drama. Or to put it more accurately, “believing little sayings is a slow path to a lonely and isolated death.”

Absolutely. Write that one in the margins of your journal.

What We Can Learn About Relationships From A Hostage Negotiator

I recently read an article about a hostage negotiator that has significantly changed the way I interact with people. Specifically, I’ve become a much better listener and it now matters less to me that I talk or am even heard in casual conversations.

Photo Credit: Joe St. Pierre, Creative Commons

In the article, the negotiator talked about how important it was to listen to the hostage taker in a way that was not judgmental.

And he had to do it for real.

Even though the criminal might have been dangerous, treating him or her in a way that was judgmental would negatively affect the outcome of the negotiation.

What the negotiator had to do, then, was establish trust with the hostage taker. This was the only way the hostage taker would ever come to negotiate. He did this by listening and then repeating back to the hostage taker what he heard, making sure he got it right. No matter what the demands were, the negotiator was never supposed to let the hostage taker know they were extreme or abnormal.

The technique doesn’t work all the time.

But the percentages of people getting out safely are greatly increased, apparently, when the negotiator treats the criminal like a human.

I’m not a hostage negotiator, but recently on a plane I found myself in a conversation in which I was tempted to butt in and share my opinion before the person I was talking to had been fully heard. After reading the article, though, I stopped myself. Instead, I heard the person out fully then repeated back to them what they’d said, only in my own words. Then I told them how the situation they’d described would have made me feel if I’d experienced it.

What happened next was surprising.

I had immediate trust from the person and, in fact, they wanted to attend my next conference. I didn’t even tell them what the conference was about.

Here’s what I learned in the exchange: often the words we speak are only part of the conversation we’re having. The real conversation is about whether or not we think the person we’re talking to is worth listening to or important. And if we can communicate that, and nothing else, we are communicating something enormous and validating.

Here’s an idea.

What if we spent the next 5 days (mark it on a calendar, this will be fun) not presenting our opinions about anything, or at least keeping them to a minimum, and instead really tried to listen to and understand the people we were talking with? What if we turned up the empathy to the highest level? How would our relationships change? How differently would people view us? And how much stronger would our own positions be perceived coming from a person who was so empathetic and understanding?

After all, we’re all holding our hearts hostage, and we’re all afraid.

Maybe the key to getting somebody to open up isn’t argument but empathy.

Works for hostage negotiators.

Five Principles of Civil Dialogue

Back when I was hanging out at Reed College, I was pleased to be in an environment where truth mattered more than ego, or rather where people didn’t associate their identity with their ideas. What I mean is, finding truth was more important than being right. And because finding truth was more important than being right, students were able to learn.

Photo Credit: Sasha Kohlmann, Creative Commons

At Reed, discussing a philosophical or even scientific idea around a conference table did not look like a debate. Rather, it looked like a group of students attempting to put together a jig-saw puzzle. If a piece didn’t happen to fit, that was par for the course. You simply set it aside and worked together to make progress.

When we begin to associate our ideas with our identities (I am good because I am right) we lose the ability to be objective. And rather than learning to learn, we simply learn to defend.

To be certain, there are basic truths we must defend, but we don’t defend these ideas from our egos.

Dr. Henry Cloud says that truth must go hand in hand with grace in order to be effective. There must be truth, but there must also be acceptance, regardless of whether somebody disagrees. This methodology frees the person to make an objective decision. When we become angry or condescending we take the truth and wrap it in a toxic-candy shell and get frustrated when people don’t like it. Truth wrapped in grace is more easily digested.

So my question is, do you take it personally when somebody disagrees with you? Here are some things I try to remember when engaging in a conversation in which there are differing opinions:

1. Truth is not My Truth, it’s Just Truth:

My ideas were not really my invention. Even if I was the first person to consider an idea, it’s still something I stumbled upon. I shouldn’t take it personally when somebody doesn’t agree. They aren’t rejecting me, they are rejecting an idea.

2. Methodology is Part of the Message:

When I get defensive and then condescending, what I associate my ideas with an offensive subtext, and that association is very strong to the hearer. Imagine having a conversation with somebody who has terrible breath, standing there and smelling their putrid hot air as they talk. It’s the same with your attitude toward somebody when you’re discussing an idea.

3. Without a Loving Heart, I am Like a Clanging Cymbal:

If I don’t genuinely care about the people I’m talking to, I’ll be received like a guy standing there clanging cymbals together. The Bible makes a strong connection between a persons heart and their tongue. We tend to think we talk with our tongues alone, but the Bible says we talk with our tongues and our hearts. Corinthians 13: If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

4. The Other Person has Sovereignty:

Even if I think the other person is completely wrong, they have a right to their beliefs. I can simply state what I believe and do so in kindness and that’s really it. If I’m trying to bully somebody into my way of seeing things, I’m not respecting the sovereignty of the person I am talking with.

5. I Could be Wrong:

What we most want from the person we are talking to is for them to see things from our perspective and agree. That being said, though, are you willing to see things from their perspective? If not, try listening to their perspective then repeating it back to them. Ask them if you got it right, and if you did, say you will think about it. Then present your idea, too, and ask them if they understand your position. To be honest, they may not be as open as you, but once the conversation is over, I assure you they will have a new respect for you, and believe me, they will consider your ideas more respectfully. And besides, the truth is they could be right.

What To Do With Pain

The older I get, the more I appreciate pain. I’m not a masochist by any stretch because I don’t like pain any more than the average person. And yet I’ve come to appreciate it.

In years past, when I’d go through a hard time, I’d run from it. I’d try not to feel it or deal with it. But these days, I’ve learned the only way life can actually get better is if I face reality, face my mistakes and liabilities and somehow correct or at least acknowledge them.

In stories, characters only change in crisis. Characters never, ever change when the story is going well. And of course the same is true with life.

Pain is always an invitation to grow. (Tweet This)

Sadly, pain also has the opposite affect. If we cover over our pain with coping mechanisms, it’s as though we are going through a workout without gaining muscle. Some people do this for years and never grow. Ever met a 50-year old who is still making the mistakes of a 19-year old? It’s likely because he never accepted pain and allowed it to change his character.

Here are some ways we can grow when we are in the midst of pain:

1. Accept it: We need to sit with the pain and not run from it. This means we can’t drink it away or make ourselves busy or “start the next chapter” before we’ve wrapped up the previous one.

2. Gain perspective: If we lose a loved one, it likely has nothing to do with us. And yet, we can still ask ourselves what really matters in the face of our pain. We can ask ourselves how we want to live differently because of the pain.

3. Take inventory: There are other kinds of pain, though, that bring us into self reflection. We’d be wise, then, to do some self reflecting. If the pain is relational, I’d encourage going through Henry Cloud and John Townsend’s book Safe People and making an inventory of how you are unsafe. This inventory may help you reorganize your life so you don’t find yourself in the same situation again.

In stories and in life, pain is our friend. It’s an unwelcome friend, but a friend nonetheless. The good news is if we make friends with our pain, it won’t stay long and it will leave us with a gift. But if we avoid pain, it will chase us down until we finally accept the gift it has to offer.

Do You Have An Addiction to Comparison?

The title of “perfectionist” never seemed to fit me.

Perfection would be hands free mama, and I’m looking at my phone all the time. Perfection would be a size 6, and ahem, I’m not. Perfection would be artistic, and I feel like I limp through the creative field on a wing and a prayer.

Perfection would be athletic. I’m not.

Perfection would be well-spoken, and I struggle being concise.

Perfection wouldn’t yell, and I’m good at it.

Perfection would have a clean car, and mine is full of stale French fries and sandy flip flops. Perfection would at least put on mascara each day. I don’t even dry my hair, let alone wear mascara.

Perfection would be an organized house. Ours has “organized” piles.

Perfection would know how to forgive herself. And obviously, I don’t. How can I forgive someone who is so blatantly failing?

My inner critic lectures me:

Just put the phone down, work out, focus, run, shut up, be quiet, wear makeup, and clean your car and house. How hard can it be? You must lack self-discipline.

Yes, irresponsible and lazy. Those are the obvious labels.

But perfection? SNORT. You are SO obviously NOT PERFECT.

Have you ever felt like this?

Tell me I’m not alone.

But here’s what I’ve learned lately: the definition of a perfectionist isn’t necessarily someone who does it all perfectly, every time. It’s someone who wants it to be done perfectly every time.

That’s me.

Photo Credit: amanda tipton, Creative Commons

I am constantly thinking about what could be better, and how I could attain it. The fact that I don’t attain it doesn’t make me any less of a perfectionist.

If you think you’re not a perfectionist, let me ask:

Has the barrage of negative self-talk left you defeated on more days than not? If you answer no, I’d challenge you to ask yourself if any of the following statements hit home:

A good mom would put down her phone.
A good dad wouldn’t yell.
A healthy woman would workout.
A fit guy would get to the gym more often.
A good business woman would know how to navigate the creative and business world.
A good businessman would be an esteemed leader in his field.
An inspiring leader would be articulate and well-spoken.
A good wife would have a clean house and car and wear make up every day.
A good husband would fix all the broken honey-dos around the house.
Do these statements conjure up emotions of disgust, resignation, shame, guilt, embarrassment, timidity?

Isn’t it funny how there is some kind of invisible standard we hold ourselves to?

I don’t know where we get this image of this ideal person from: TV shows, how-to books authored by people who have all the solutions and none of the problems, beautiful Instagram feeds, so perfectly curated?

We know it’s not all true; we know it’s impossible.

Yet we still fall into the practice of comparison.

When comparison lies to me, telling me I am not enough, perfectionism quickly steps in to affirm them. The lies turn into beliefs.

I must not be a good mom, a healthy wife, or a business leader. I mean, I’ll keep trying, but the chances of success are slim. I always backslide to my phone, my heavy weight, and my I don’t think I can do this business thing.

The scary thing about these lies-turned-beliefs is they become action.

We cannot act apart from our beliefs, so the self-sabotage cycle begins. We thrust ourselves into self-fulfilling prophecies. When the worst becomes true, it is affirmed by our beliefs, which are derived from the lies of comparison and perfectionism.

I don’t know about you, but it’s a cycle I feel like I cannot survive.

It must be reversed in order for me to breathe again, develop beautiful relationships, and live a life that means something.

I’m learning that perfectionism, no matter how it exhibits itself, is an addiction to comparison.

And like most addictions, it’s never fully gone.

A perfectionist must face the demons of sobriety if he or she is going to ever see the other side of that dark wall. The battle will be daily, but the good news is, it will be easily won.

You simply have to catch yourself beating yourself up.

Feeling guilty about looking at your phone?

Remind yourself of the last time (probably yesterday) you were really attentive to your loved ones, and tell yourself you know you’re going to finish up soon, and leave the phone in the other room.

Feeling defeated about not getting to the gym?

Remind yourself it’s a slow process, and that change happens in minute increments. You’ve had successes before: congratulate yourself on them! And don’t berate yourself if you didn’t make it to the gym today.

Feeling “less than” in your career?



Remind yourself that everyone, including you, is given certain gifts and certain seasons. You work hard, and you’ll keep working hard and doing your best, and your season, however it looks is one that you WILL enjoy, without comparison.

The solution to perfectionism is simple, and like all things that really push us forward in life, easier said than done.

Take captive every negative thought and turn it into something positive. You can do it.