Donald Miller's Blog, page 30

Don’t Expand Your Influence, Deepen It

A long, long time ago I ran a very small publishing company in Oregon.

Part of my job was to create a database and sales system to chart our orders. I noticed that, while we had about a thousand customers, only a hundred or so of them were supporting our business.

Initially, I wanted to expand the business to grow our customer base even larger. We spent thousands of dollars in this attempt, visiting trade shows and printing expensive catalogs. But sooner or later, I realized it wasn’t working.

I mean we did see an increase in business, but it brought in about as much profit as our marketing efforts cost.

So I changed our strategy.

Right away, here were a few of the things we did:

We began to focus on the one-hundred customers who were already faithful and familiar with our products.
I created a monthly newsletter that I printed right off my desktop and sent to these hundred customers each month.
I also made a call list and called as many as twenty or thirty, personally, every month.

And I noticed, almost immediately,

I’d say this general principal applies to much more than business.

Perhaps those deep relationships you long for are all around you, they’ve just not been deepened yet. Perhaps the fulfilling, romantic amazement you’ve been reading romance novels to experience could actually come from that guy snoring in bed next to you each night.

What if, instead of focusing on what was “out there” like more customers or a better marriage, you focused on what is already around you? What if you tried cultivating the seeds that have been planted, or the plants that are just producing a little bit of fruit?

My guess is this would be easier than going out into the rocks to chip away at a brand new garden.

The Secret to Getting Picked

I’ve been running a company for a few years now and I’ve noticed something about what kind of people work out. And anymore, they’re the only kind of people I want to hire. In fact, this specific kind of person also works best in relationships, both romantic and friendships.

And they make the best leaders, too.

The one characteristic of somebody who gets picked is this: they’re a good investment.

Photo Credit: Christopher Michel, Creative Commons

I know it sounds simple, and I fear it sounds harsh, but it’s true.

If you want people to pick you, just be a good investment.

What do I mean by good investment?

In a company, a person who is a good investment is the person you pay $50k per year but is worth $500k to the company. If you think about it, after 50% in taxes, that means the person has returned about $250k. And then after overhead, about $200k.

This person is sure to move up, get paid more and become a leader.

As much as we all want to be treated like royalty just because we were born, this will never happen. The reality is a company has to stay sustainable and so leadership is always looking for people who are a good investment.

And it’s not only true in business, it’s true in life, too.

Even when choosing a partner, we’re wise to look for a good investment.

I know it sounds crass and reductionistic to word it that way, but in reality, it’s what we’re all doing anyway. We’re wondering if we give our heart to this person, will they abuse it or return it to us even stronger and better than it was before?

In other words, we’re looking for a good investment.

The reality is, to run a business I have to be a good investment, too.

The only reason people buy things from me is because the things we provide are worth much more than what we charge. Otherwise we’d go out of business.

It’s a natural law.

Sometimes when I talk like this I get pushback.

People don’t want to be described in financial terms. They want to be invaluable as a human, just for being human. And I get it.

But this thinking can also be used as a copout.

In my view, it’s generous and kind and altruistic for us to be a good investment. Being a good investment means out-giving the people who give to us. And in some ways, wanting to be appreciated while not being a good investment is a form of elitist entitlement.

Deciding to be a good investment means we are deciding to be a humble servant.

We are deciding to be more of a giver than a taker.

The point is this:

If we want to be picked in life, we should ask ourselves a single question: Am I a good investment?

If somebody paid me to do something, would I be returning more value to them than what they paid me? And If somebody gave me their heart, would I be trustworthy with it? Are people better because they spend time with me? Are they more encouraged, more inspired, more equipped? Am I a good investment?

I’m hoping to be a good investment to the people around me. And I’m looking to surround myself with good investment’s, too.

Five Articles I Sent My Staff This Week

As a staff, we are committed to learning and growing, both professionally and personally. One of the ways we do that is by reading. Below are some of the most current things we’re reading together.

If you’re in need of something great to read this weekend, start here.

When Faced With Adversity, Focus on Solutions, Not More Problems

via Entrepreneur

This is how I aspire to approach problems in my life and how I hope my team approaches them too. We’re bound to face adversity. But let’s focus on solutions, not problems.

How Long it Takes to Get Back on Track After A Distraction

via Lifehacker

It doesn’t surprise me that distraction reduces our quality of work, but this article reminds me how important it is to eliminate distraction in our work environment in order to reach our goals.

Being Interesting, Creating More Time in a Day and Starting A Blog

via Tim Ferris

Here’s a fascinating interview with Maria Popova, the creator of Brain Pickings, where she discusses the importance of passion and care for the craft when it comes to achieving success.

How to Know If You Talk Too Much

via Harvard Business Review

Thankfully I work on a thoughtful team of people who always make room for everyone to share their ideas. I thought this was interesting, though. Sometimes those who talk too much don’t realize they’re doing so.

How to Figure Out Which Criticism to Listen To And Which to Ignore

via Jon Acuff

No matter what we’re doing, we’re bound to come across criticism. The important skill is separating helpful criticism from the unhelpful kind.

A Surprising Place to Discover The Right Thing To Do

We were crammed into a hospital room when I finally spilled my guts to my dad.

Photo Credit: Toby Bradbury, Creative Commons

I’d been wanting to talk to ask his opinion for a long time now about a big decision my husband and I were in the process of making. But he’d just had open heart surgery and I had barely come up for air, after sinking into my fear of losing him.

This felt good. I needed his advice and now I could finally ask for it.

So I told him the story. Beginning to end. My husband sat next to me, filling in any details I left out. And it felt so safe, even crammed into that stuffy white-washed room; with the faint smell of chicken and fluorescent lights burning overhead.

My dad listened. He’s a psychologist. That’s what he does.

When we finished, we paused and took a breath, and looked at him. This was the good part. He was going to tell us exactly what to do. I just knew it.

“What should we do?” I asked.

“I know you want my advice,” he told us. “But you don’t need it.”

My heart sank.

I wanted so desperately for him to point us in the right direction or point out something we had missed. Whatever it was that made this whole thing seem so murky and confusing, I wanted him to make it black and white.

Instead he told us, “Sometimes, with difficult circumstances, there are only difficult answers.”

“I think you already know what to do,” He said. “Trust yourself.”

In a way, I felt bummed my dad wasn’t giving me the answers I was looking for. But at the same time, I also felt empowered and  honored. It was like he was saying, “Sure, I’ve lived more years than you, and if I saw any major red flags, I’d tell you.

“But you’re smart and capable all on your own. You need to learn to trust yourself.”

So I took his advice and did what I felt in my gut was the right thing to do. And you know what? Things didn’t fall apart like I worried they would.

In fact, they turned out pretty good.

They weren’t perfect, by any means, but they’re still unfolding and I’m still learning and growing and I’ll know even better next time.

I’m slowly beginning to trust myself.

I can’t help but wonder if this “advice” (or non-advice) is the best advice my dad ever gave me. It makes me want to give the same gift when others come to me asking for direction or input; and it makes me want to think twice before I ask someone to make a decision for me I should be making for myself.

“Should I quit my job?”

“Am I ready to get married?”

“Should I get a masters degree?”

“Where should I go to college?”

There is no better gift than learning to trust yourself, and that gift can only come with time and practice.

I just want to keep reminding myself: “Difficult circumstances only have difficult answers; and you have to learn to listen to yourself.”

If you’re facing a difficult decision right now and you aren’t sure what to do, let me give you some advice:

What I think isn’t nearly as important as what you think. Make the best decision you know how. Get feedback, sure, but also lean into your choices and to your consequences.

If you’ll stop for just a minute, you probably know the right thing to do.

Now you just have to do it.

The True Meaning of Success And Why It Matters

Last week I was sitting in my kitchen, talking with a dear friend about life, recent events and what matters most and she said something that struck a cord with me.

She said, “The world’s definition of success is all a sham.”

Let me back up a bit.

Days before having this conversation, my friend and I, along with a large group of people, attended the Special Olympic World Games in Los Angles. These games were said to be the largest athletic event in Los Angeles since the 1984 summer Olympics, making it pretty epic.

Photo Credit: Special Olympics Connaught, Creative Commons

It just so happens two of my kids have Down syndrome, so this was not an event my family and I would be missing.

As a mother of three, a wife, a writer and someone who is a tad bit competitive (not to mention a tiny bit of a sore loser) what I witnessed in the athletes from all around the world who were participating in the World Games, blew my mind.

One particularly moment of that day sticks out in my mind.

It happened during the medal ceremonies for athletes who were competing in the powerlifting events. The names of the athletes were announced and each took their place on the podium—one on the gold medal stand, one for silver, etc, etc.


And yet it seemed every athlete could have switched spots and no one would have been disappointed.

I stood there watching these athletes receive their medals, my eyes full to the brim with tears of hope and joy and pride, and the thing that stuck me most was how these athlete so genuinely celebrated each other’s victories.

For them, winning and being the best was not the ultimate goal.

What I was learning as I watched bronze, silver, and gold medals adorn the athletes necks is that the most important aspect of the games, for them, was doing the very best they could with what they had and finding contentment in that.

Then, genuinely celebrating the best in the person next to you.

Can you imagine a world where everyone lived like this?

Everyday we wake up in a world that tells us we need to be more, better, bigger, faster. A world that whispers lies of not enough, and gives us a faulty lens that we use to compare ourselves to the people around us.

We convince ourselves that if we are not the best, we have failed.

But the athletes competing in the Special Olympics, as the medals were being placed around their necks, taught me that when you do the very best with what you have, you cannot fail.

There is so much joy to be found when we lay down our pride and celebrate the very best in the people around us.

I left the World Games with a whole new perspective.

My son with Down syndrome on my hip, and my daughter with Down syndrome holding my hand, I couldn’t help but think about how much we have to learn—those of us who, on the outside appear to have everything, and yet keep fighting for more.

I was full to the brim with hope and inspired to think life could be different. The world could be different.

Our definition of success could change.

And that night, in my kitchen, as my friend and I recalled the events we had witnessed, we reflected on the lessons we had learned and celebrated the real successes happening in our lives.

“The world’s definition of success is all a sham,” she said.

And I couldn’t help but wholeheartedly agree.

Are Christians In America Really Victims?

Watching different groups of people claim victimhood is getting a bit old.

America has become a country where everybody seems to be staking their claim as an oppressed people group. But when my own tribe, the one referred to as “Christians” does it, it bothers me the most.

Photo Credit: Loren Kerns, Creative Commons

So why do we do it? Why do so many tribes want to be identified as victims?

Here’s why: Because being a victim gives you power.

If you identify as a victim, you are calling somebody else your oppressor. Identifying as a victim is a veiled attack. It sucks the energy into yourself. It causes people to rise up to your defense.

Sadly, though, it has a downside.

There has never been a single hero in a single movie who self-identified as a victim. And there has never been a single great leader who has self-identified as a victim, either.

Of course it’s true every demographic, at one point or another, has faced oppression. No single group can claim they are the sole tribe in the universe who is being beaten down.

What good does it do to self-identify as a victim? It’s a weak position.

It’s a sickly stance.

The more a person can self-identify as strong (even if they really are a victim) the more they will be chosen to lead.

Nelson Mandela was a true victim, but he did not self-identify as a victim.

Martin Luther King was a true victim, but did not self-identify as a victim. Mother Theresa was neglected and oppressed but self-identified as humble and conquering.

Are Christians in America victims?

Many of them want to be.

They want to be the heroic, oppressed population because it gives them power and pity.

But in a nation where you can’t win the White House without claiming a relationship with Christ, and where the most watched reality show involves a family who prays before meals, and there are ten massive church auditoriums for every playhouse and symphony hall, are we really an oppressed people group? Really?

Are we really bloodied by the side of the ditch, licking our wounds? Or are we just being wimpy and entitled?

Certainly many Christians have been persecuted for their faith.

But every people group faces discrimination. Consider Native Americans as our country was being settled. Or Jews during the holocaust. Or African Americans being held as captive slaves in Haiti, The Dominican Republic and in America.

What about women who were denied the rights to vote?

I think there are much more hurting populations than the white, Evangelicals in modern-day America.

And I think it’s pretty low and soft of us to whine about our little wounds.

I’m not a victim.

Sure, some people don’t like me for my faith, but look around at the other people groups who have it worse. What in the world do I have to complain about? Christ has made me a conqueror and he’s named me as such.

Those who want me to play the victim can step aside.

Some of us are a little tired of all the whining.

Christ came for the victims, not to manipulate people by playing the victim. I’m going to follow His lead.

How I Used Conflict to Deepen My Relationships

Before I got married, I lived & worked in Washington DC. My first house in the district was a house I shared with 14 other girls. Yes, you read that right: 14.

So many people in one house!

We were all interns for about four to six months at the same organization. It was mostly like summer camp. But it was also a little bit like living in a battle field. We worked together, lived together and spent free time together.

Occasionally, personalities clashed, work ethics conflicted, personal tidiness did not align. Basically, it was fertile ground for conflict and we were constantly working toward peace.

I grew up in southern Louisiana where you are obligated to be nice to everyone.

Or at least pretend like things are fine and you’re fine. It wasn’t that I was actually being taught this idea at home, it is just the general polite undertone of the south.

Four months is a long time to be nice and pretend to be fine in close quarters.

It took about one month before I was ready to move out.

Around this time a good friend reminded me:

“If everything goes smoothly, you’re going to miss the point. Conflict will bring growth.”

And at that point, I realized I had two options.

Face the conflict and deal with the potential fallout or
End the suffering and move out.

I determined that for the next 3 months, I would face the conflict. I thought of it like an experiment.

And it ended up being experiment that changed my life.

As the next few months passed, each time I had to reconcile with someone, I tried to set aside my ego, and listen to myself and to the people around me.

Each time it was a little easier.

And each time I discovered the friendships got a little deeper. The focus of the disagreements became less about “winning” an argument and more about growing the friendship.

These were suddenly friendships worth fighting for.

Not only did I learn about the girls around me and build meaningful friendships, but I discovered thoughts and intuitions and feelings I had no idea were inside of me.

I was becoming a wiser human being.

Even better than that, those girls became some of my closest friends. I still talk with two of the girls from that season every single week.

When you “survive” conflict and choose reconciliation with someone, they know you in a way no one else will.

That is a friendship still worth fighting for.

Now, when conflict arrises with new friends and I’m offended, or I know I have offended them, I make an intentional choice: Do I want this friendship to grow? Or am I ok with it at this level of depth?

If I want it to grow, I know I have to face the conflict and explain my hurt and listen to theirs. This is never easy but one phrase that has helped me goes like this: “I may have misunderstood your intentions, but this hurt me & I’d like to talk about it.”

Friendships have the opportunity deepen and grow with conflict.

I have the opportunity to understand and know myself at a greater depth through conflict.

So do you.

One Thing I Do Every Day That Helps Me Say No

Every day at the bottom of my personal planner, I write this phrase: “I exist to help people and institutions discover, live and communicate a better story to the world.”

Simply writing this sentence everyday keeps me on track.

On any given day, between two and three people email or call asking if they can get together. Of course it would be impossible to meet every person, so I use this simple sentence as a guide.

Is getting together going to help them live a better story?

If so, I consider it. If it seems unrelated (a great real-estate opportunity!) I sadly have to turn it down.

Have you developed a personal mission statement yet?

Having one can save you an enormous amount of time and energy. A personal mission statement acts as a filter that will help you make decisions.

I arrived at my personal mission statement by asking myself a few simple questions.

Here are those questions:

What do I love doing that also benefits others?
What do other people say I’m good at?
What “gives me life” as I move throughout my day?

Answering these three questions may help you triangulate your personal mission.

I love thinking about story, business and pyschology, for example. So I help people and businesses figure out their story. And it gives me life to do so.

Not only this, people say I’m good at it and it benefits them to work with me.

So, from this, I developed a personal mission statement.

If you’ve not developed your personal mission statement, consider doing so soon. It’s helped me tremendously.

Hope it helps you too.

Five Articles I Sent My Staff This Week

As a staff, we are committed to learning and growing, both professionally and personally. One of the ways we do that is by reading. Below are some of the most current things we’re reading together.

If you’re in need of something great to read this weekend, start here.

The Gift of the Green Blob

via Glennon Melton (Momastery)

We love our friend Glennon and this is a great post from her about confronting fear by remembering you are a child of God, free to dream, risk, love and fail.

Blame is What Is Tearing You Down

via Lolly Daskal

When you are in a season where you are sure you’ve failed, there are a few things that won’t help. Blaming yourself is one of them. Great leadership tips here.

Six Ways to Drive Your Business Into the Ground

via Inc

For the most part, we focus on how to succeed, not what is going to cause us to fail. But this article does a great job of defining some major “don’ts” for our company.

Why I Consult My “Manager” And Why She Always Takes My Calls

via Gretchen Rubin

This is a great tactic for making tough decisions. No matter what role you play on a team, or if you are your own team, give this a shot.

Balancing Profit and Passion: How to Thrive with Cole Hatter

via Grant Baldwin

Take a few minutes to listen to this interview where Grant and his guest Cole talk about passion, product and profit—and what really matters.

An Unlikely Strategy for Overcoming Your Fears

A few months ago I had a week full of fear related to my work. I felt overwhelmed and the thoughts running through my head looked something like this:

“I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“This is too much.”

“I need to just find another job.”

“I’m not going to be able to fulfill everyone’s expectations.”

You may recognize this pattern of negative self-talk.

Rapid-fire statements rooted in a place of fear. Each one you listen to and believe hits you a little harder, and if you’re not careful, you will one day find yourself leveled by your own thoughts, flattened by your own fears.

I think our reaction when we feel afraid about something happening in our lives is to look for courage. We listen to familiar messages about inner strength and digging deep down to find it.

We think about fighting through and being stronger than you think.

But what about those times when you do dig deep down searching for inner courage within yourself and you come up empty handed?

What do you do then when your knees are still shaking, when what’s in front of you remains daunting, and you determine your inner strength must be so inner at this point that is un-findable?

I am beginning to wonder if courage is the appropriate response to fear.

One morning, as I sat on my couch allowing the negative and fearful thoughts to play in my head, I noticed a quality of these thoughts I hadn’t seen before.

They were ungrateful.

Not only were they negative, untrue and making me afraid, but they lacked gratitude.

Which got me thinking, what if I combated this season of fear by being grateful, rather than courageous?

So I tried it out and began to argue fear with thankfulness.

For example, I was worried about an upcoming conference call. It was with people in my field who were much more seasoned and smarter than I, and I was afraid I would say something stupid or they would be able to see how ill-equipped I felt.

Photo Credit: Marjan Lazarevski, Creative Commons

But before the call, as soon as I caught myself feeling afraid, I stopped and said thank you. “Thank you, God, for the opportunity to speak with people who are more knowledgeable than I am. Thank you for this chance to learn and grow. Thank you that I even get to do this as my job every day.”

The gratitude didn’t say I was courageous.

The gratitude didn’t say I was stronger than I thought I was or more capable than I knew.

No, gratitude simply put me in my place as a human and put God in his place as God. When we are grateful in the midst of fear, we are forced to take a posture of humility.

Nothing like saying thank you can do this to us.

When our fear comes from a place of insecurity in ourselves or uncertainty about the future, courage may not be the answer for us, but gratitude shifts things into perspective.

The blur of scary and fearful focuses into a more accurate picture in which God is big and we are small and this is exactly how it’s supposed to be.