Donald Miller's Blog, page 24

The Surprising Thing That Really Makes A Person Likable

I knew this girl in college. She doesn’t know this, but when I think about the type of person I hope to be one day, I think about her.

And I think it’s because of this: She liked herself.

Photo Credit: Scarleth Marie, Creative Commons

How could I tell? She was confident, fun, funny and totally weird in the best kind of way. She didn’t wear make-up often and she usually had on this old, bright blue Northface jacket. The zipper was broken, so the jacket always hung lopsided. She wore it anyways.

She had a sense of who she was, unlike other people I knew at that time, and she was a magnet for not just me but everyone she came across.

People like people who like themselves.

More often than not, I like myself on a conditional basis and it usually involves popularity, looks and achievements. If I have them, I like myself. If I don’t, I’m falling short.

But as I’ve learned recently, this is not true self-acceptance. Accepting yourself is not being proud of what you do or gauging how much others like you, that’s self-scrutiny. Liking yourself is much deeper and more difficult than that.

Strip away all of the good things, the proud moments, the awards, friends and good looks. What’s left?

Maybe you too ride this rollercoaster of self-approval.

It’s tiring work. In fact, I don’t think a rollercoaster is the right metaphor here. In a rollercoaster, you ride in a seat or a car that is pulled by a rail and is operated by a controller; the work is done for you.

When we accept ourselves only under certain conditions, we’re not riding the rollercoaster, we’re climbing on our hands and knees—up and down, hanging on tight as we round sharp turns.

But one day your hands will grow tired, the splinters will be too much and you will have failed enough times to convince yourself that climbing this coaster is no longer worth it. And that’s when the question of liking yourself will become irrelevant. You obviously don’t.

The question of who you are will come into focus.

Paul asked the Galatians a crucial identity question: “Are you foolish? Having begun in the Spirit are you now ending (or being completed) in the flesh?”

Having begun in the Spirit are you now ending in the flesh? Ouch. That hurts a girl who has claimed to follow Christ for so many years.

If you are a Christian, you believe the Holy Spirit is in you.

Therefore, this tiring, desperate journey of doing things that give you a false sense of worth is a walk in the opposite direction of the cross of Christ.

John Piper explored this passage from Galations in a sermon years ago, saying, “The clear implication is, it can’t be done. If you try it, you will make a shipwreck of the Christian life. You did not get the Spirit, you did not become Christians, by working for God. You received the Spirit when God worked for you.”

If that’s true, that the work has been done, then more work will surely not lead to this self-approval I so crave.

But quitting the race altogether? That might do it.

What I’ve Learned About Dealing With Critics

Something funny happens when you write books and a lot of people read them. Life gets strange. Really strange. You start having conversations with people who feel like they know you but they also know they don’t, so they just look at you, and are slightly confused, but neither of you know why.

I really want to figure out something to do in those moments because I never know what to do either.

I might start singing, or just hold their hand and stare into their eyes. Not sure.

The thing that was the hardest to get used to, though, and I swear it’s true, is that when you have any kind of notoriety people honestly feel like they have the right to be mean to you. Seriously.

Photo Credit: Miles Taylor, Creative Commons

They will write a blog or a tweet and twist your words around or take your ideas to an extreme to make them look stupid and then call you stupid.

And that’s fine. It’s not a problem because we all went through that in junior high, but the no fun part is you can no longer punch back. In junior high you could just find them in the hallway and have a “conversation” and it would end.

But when you write books about grace and love, it gets harder to call people morons on Twitter without making yourself look bad.

Here’s how it goes:

1. I write a blog or send some tweet with a thought.

2. Somebody writes a “response” that is filled with vague, passive insults.

3. I respond in an angry way.

4. They play victim and act confused as though they were only sharing their opinion.

5. I pace around in the backyard wishing I was still in junior high and I could just smash somebody’s head against the locker (okay, I never did that in junior high. I mostly ate donuts I kept in my pocket and tried not to be noticed.)

Anyway, here’s the point: People who teach and lead are going to be judged more harshly. That’s just the truth.

It stinks but that’s just the way it works.

I’ll usually turn the other cheek about 90% of the time unless I’ve had a glass of whiskey or didn’t get a good nights sleep the night before.

And then I feel like an idiot.

All in all, it’s a terrific trade. I love what I do, and even though I hate “pretending” I’m not mad because that feels fake, I am starting to do a better job turning the other cheek and accepting the responsibility that comes from deciding to lead.

If you want to teach or lead, just be ready.

It’s coming. And when it comes, remember, they’re attacking you because you’re leading. Don’t take it personally, if you can help it.

Maybe someday we can eat donuts together. I’ll keep them warm.

Five Articles I Sent My Staff This Week

As a staff, we are committed to learning and growing, both professionally and personally. One of the ways we do that is by reading. Below are some of the most current things we’re reading together.

If you’re in need of something great to read this weekend, start here.

10 Smart Leadership Solutions for Every Challenge

via Lolly Daskal

I mention often that I see everyone on my staff as a leader. And if you want to be a leader, you have to think like a leader. That’s why I loved this list. Most obstacles can be overcome with the right perspective.

Why Entrepreneurs Should Never Feel Guilty for Sleeping

via Entrepreneur

It seems like leaders often get a reputation for pushing themselves too hard and not sleeping enough. But sleep might be the most important thing you can do if you want to succeed. No guilt allowed for those extra hours of sleep.

Thresholds of Violence

via Malcolm Gladwell

In light of the recent tragedy Oregon, you might be wondering how it’s possible there has been yet another school shooting. In this article, Malcolm Gladwell explains how these events catch on.

This Couple Lives on 6% of Their Income And Gives The Rest Away

via Quartz

You’ve heard it said that money doesn’t buy happiness, but are you willing to put your money where your mouth is (literally)? This couple is doing it and inspiring all of us.

Nine Ways to Think Like A Leader

via Vanessa Van Edwards

This is a quality list of the mental habits leaders practice. I especially like the part about abandoning “empty calorie” time. We all need that reminder.

An Essential Step to Becoming A More Positive Thinker and Doer

It was my son Hunter’s first soccer game of the season.

And like most youth soccer games, the five-year-old boys, with shirts down to their knees, looked like a swarm of bees, oblivious to the coach’s instructions to “spread out.”

Photo Credit: Loren Kerns, Creative Commons

Still, they managed to get the ball up and down the field, and all but a few ‘intense’ parents had a great Saturday morning.

One day, the coach put Hunter in as the goalie.

Inexperienced at the position, he was eager to put on the special goalie outfit (complete with a brightly colored shirt and gloves). Soon he was standing there in all of his splendor. When the first ball went past him, I didn’t think much about it.

After all, I’ve seen professionals miss a ball or two. After the 6th ball hit the net behind him, I began to get worried.

When the opposing team’s score hit the two-figure mark, I began to sweat.

The competitive parents were whispering things and I knew my son would soon get a nickname like “Colander” for his ability to let things go through him.

By the game’s end, he had saved two goals, but frankly I can’t remember the number of goals the other team scored. Let’s just say their total was more like an NBA basketball score, while ours was in the single digits.

I was sure it was going to be a long ride home.

As we got in the car, I knew my son must have been feeling awful—a good dose of shame just slammed into him, directly in front of a crowd.

In my sensitive fatherly voice, I said, “So pal, how are you feeling?”

“Great!” he said with enthusiasm. “Can you believe it? I stopped two goals!”

The smile that came over my face almost broke my jaw.

“Yes you did son!” I said with a loud, laughing voice. “Yes you did!” And then we high-fived and went to Sonic for a milkshake, as winners do.

In one of our recent dinner conversations, I retold that story.

My wife and sons laughed and laughed, remembering even more stories of the times we snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.

Later that night, I realized something. If we are truthful, life sends a lot of soccer balls our way. They often fly past us as if David Beckham kicked them, soaring through the air with an impossible bend.

Some of them come straight at us and go through our legs. Others catch the top corner of the net causing the other team to scream with delight.

There are a lot of misses out there.

But every now and then, we see the ball coming and we’re at the right place at the right time and we stop that sucker. We thrust our arms upwards, hitting the air with our fist as we yell, “I stopped a goal!”

Maybe we need to give one another (and ourselves) a little break. With so much pressure for success, what if we celebrated the small, day to day wins instead of waiting for the BIG ones that are elusive at best?

“I stayed sober for one more day!” Yes you did!

“I did one selfless thing today.” Yes you did!

“I made it through the day without cynicism.” Yes you did!

“I wrote one page in my novel.” Yes you did!

“I exercised for fifteen minutes.” Yes you did!

My friends, we muff it up a lot.

We miss so many things, goof up more than not, and often do harm to others. But almost every day we do at least one thing well, yeah, maybe even two. We’re kind to a stranger, give up our seat on the train, or give the weary waiter a big tip.

I think it’s about time we give those moments some good press. Next time something like that happens, let me know.

The milkshake is on me.

Depression: The Struggle None of Us Want to Talk About

I don’t like talking about it much, because I want my life to look together. I want to sound smart and my kids to obey the first time and for my marriage to be a beacon for all others who follow in my marriage’s glorious light.

I’m scared to let anyone in on the secret because then the gig would be up.

“We don’t know what to do with our own weakness but pretend it doesn’t exist…how can we welcome fully the weakness of another if we haven’t welcomed our own weakness?” -Jean Vanier

Welcoming weakness…now there’s a party pleaser.

I let Vanier’s words turn circles in my mind one morning as the covers were pulled overhead. Here was a beautiful day, sun shining, a life to be thankful for. But still, I was aware of my weakness all too bluntly; cringing at every little shortcoming splayed out like an unsurpassable ocean.

I did not want to welcome it. Hiding sounded a lot better.

We all know no one has it all together, no one has the perfect marriage, the perfect kids, perfect life (though Oprah’s life looks pretty epic).

We know none of it is perfect, so why do we pretend?

I occasionally have to remind myself, “don’t break down now, hold it together, you are in public and they are not actually asking you how you are doing, they are only being polite, so pull it together and smile!”

We want to be vulnerable in a classy way—the cool kind of vulnerable. Letting just enough truth out where we are still mysterious and interesting. If it’s all let out at once, then people run away…fast.

But still it is something we desire at our core—to be truly seen, fully accepted even when we are at our worst.

So it is a hard thing to admit, the hardest thing I ever had to admit to myself—that awful word we run from, new mothers hope to God they don’t catch, the word that taunts the susceptible in mid-life, and really, taunts anyone if it can get a chance:

Depression.

For me, it was something I didn’t want to say out loud because:

I was fearful. We are conditioned to shrink away from those on the fringes, be it the fringes of faith or psychologically and emotionally. So right when I let the cat out of the bag, I wished I could chase that damn cat down, put him into a safe, then throw the safe into the ocean.
I felt I had failed my friends and husband and my children and that was the worst, feeling like I was not the mother I wanted to be for my girls.

I remember a friend talking to me about her struggle with postpartum.

She couldn’t get over the fact that she went to bed at night in tears as her husband read stories and tucked in their babies at night.

She felt like she was failing not only the people outside of her home, but the ones closest to her heart.

She loved her babies; they were what she had always wanted.

But it is possible for wonder and beauty to be right in front of us and still be deeply sad.

It is possible to have the truth in our head but our heart just doesn’t follow. Or really, it wants to follow but has no clue how…which leads to feeling helpless and out-of-control of your own emotions and brain.

This is something I didn’t know before, something I previously judged and had a frail answer for.

I’m not an expert in the depression field, but I think facing it then finding keys and clues tucked here and there are worth telling people about…just in case they too need one of those keys. So here are a few things that helped me “embrace my weakness” as Vanier says, and move forward.

They are in no particular order, and there is no particular formula, so take whatever it is you need and leave the rest.

Know you are not alone.

When I finally had the guts to let someone in on this secret, I was amazed at how many people had faced depression. The most important thing they did for me was not give an answer, but they listened and loved me still. They helped me feel normal instead of like the loner I assumed I was.

Sad thoughts can be a habit, but habits can be changed

“One paper published by a Duke University researcher in 2006 found that more than 40 percent of the actions people performed each day weren’t actual decisions, but habits.” – The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg

Picture fireworks, confetti falling, and lots of glitter cannon balls (is that a thing?). This is what went off in my brain when I read Duhigg’s words; a thrill of hope, because it made me realize that I could, in fact, do something to change my thoughts.

I had created a habit of thinking poorly of myself, a habit of thinking each day would crash and burn like the last.

I went from victim to activist, out of control to a step-in-the-right-direction. I began studying habit and how to go about taking unhealthy brain patterns and change them into healthy ones. Changing your habit is an undertaking, this is not a quick fix, but it is worth the dedication.

Practice gratitude

So this one goes along with habit. I began each day with thinking through or writing down things I was thankful for—a home, this breath, a heart that is beating and healthy, my then four year old daughter and her very four-year-old jokes, the way she laughs hard at baby farts…as everyone should.

For firewood and Christmas lights and friends that help you love yourself.

For doctors and nurses that dedicate their lives to helping children.

For broken little broken hearts.

For pain. Yes, even for that. It seems backwards, or just bad, but therein lays secrets to life that are worth digging for. The gratitude of pain…yet another party pleaser.

So these were my baby steps out of some deep dark sad days.

It was hard to not imagine myself as Bob in “What About Bob,” as he took hesitant baby steps out of the elevator and onto the sidewalk while his goldfish was tied around his neck…”baby steps to the bus…”

But it really did take little steps, everyday, to change the way my brain was going.

And slowly, I felt myself coming alive again, noticing I did not wake up and want to stay in bed. I felt passionate about my work and family and friends and had the energy to start giving and loving well once again.

If you are going through this, don’t try to do it alone. Dare to be vulnerable and let others see your weakness. The embrace of it could be a way out.

Make The Tiny Moments of Your Life Add Up to Something

When I woke up this morning, my five-year-old was already hovering at the side of my bed, waiting for my eyes to open. He held out an envelope and a pen, all ready for me to write out his friend’s address.

Right now. Before the sun comes up, please.

And where do we keep the stamps, Mom?

Once my feet hit the floor, there were kids to wake and breakfasts to dish out, laundry to start and green smoothies to make.

Photo Credit:
Theresa Martell, Creative Commons

When I get to my computer, I’ll find more email than I’d like to think about and a project that I’d really like to finish up today.

We need to head to the library and the grocery store, too, and wouldn’t it be nice to stop at the duck pond? Maybe on the way home. Before that we’ll need to find jackets and shoes and—oh, my mom is phoning me. Hang on.

If your days are anything like mine, they’re full of details.

You’re meeting needs, you’re answering questions, and all these things need attention in this moment right now.

But we are about more than just the “now.”

My days could lead me to believe that this moment is one in a collection of moments just like it. They’ll keep coming, one after another, and they won’t really add up to anything.

But I don’t believe that.

I think this moment is one point on a longer journey, a journey that has purpose and direction. I think my life is telling a bigger story, even if I can only see one little chapter from here.

It’s easy to get lost in the details.

Every day, I can choose to focus on what’s right in front of me. I can look at the next moment, I can meet the next need, I can do the next right thing, and these are all important. They are not without meaning.

But if I always keep my eyes down on those details, I won’t be able to see where I’m headed.

Here’s how I remind myself to look at the bigger picture.

I pick up a book. Reading status updates and tweets and news and lists—those all keep my focus on this moment in time. When I pick up a book, I tell myself a different story. A book has a beginning, a middle, and an end, and reading reminds me that my story does, too.
I find companions for the journey. I look for friends who want to talk through these ideas. I need people who can offer me their perspective, who can remind me of what’s true, who can point me in the direction of the horizon.
I set aside time to think, away from all my important daily tasks. I have a few minutes set aside each day, a longer stretch once a week, and every once in a while, I put everything else down to replenish and refocus.

That’s why I’m going to Storyline Conference this year.

I’m looking forward to having the space to think about where I’ve been and where I’m going. I’m excited to be in a room full of people thinking and dreaming and planning about those same things.

When I think about how full my days are, it seems like I don’t have the margin to step away. It feels like I should just press on, just keep doing what needs doing.

But that’s why I need to go.

I need to remember why those details matter. I need to talk about what they’re adding up to. I need to be inspired to live a story that doesn’t stall in the middle.

Plus I hear Chicago has seasons, which we don’t have here in San Diego. I’m excited about that, too.

I can’t wait for November.

Maybe I’ll see you there?

How to Overcome Comparison And Learn to Love Your Life

My friend Jacob said something wise to me yesterday.

We were talking about doing good work, reaching for success, and striving for peace in life. Jacob is one of the most successful people I know, but more than that, he’s one of the happiest.

Photo Credit: Tobyotter, Creative Commons

Here’s what Jacob told me:

The best life is one free of comparison.

Many people miss out on happiness because they don’t understand this simple idea. You can’t blame them–humans are born with an innate drive to compare themselves to other people. There’s all kinds of research to back this up.

I saw one study where people played a game where they could win or lose money by picking three different doors. The twist was they also saw the results of another player. This study found that even people who won money exhibited feelings of loss if someone else won more.

Likewise, people who lost money felt like they won if someone else lost more.

It seems like people care less about gaining or losing in absolute terms than they care about comparing their progress to other people.

Maybe you’ve seen evidence of this in your own life.

Another study found people’s brains respond with activity resembling physical pain when contemplating the success of someone with higher social standing. We actually physically hurt when we see someone else more successful than ourselves.

Don’t feel too bad about it–even monkeys act this way. Capuchin monkeys are happy to work for cucumbers until they see another monkey earn a grape.

On the other hand, who wants to be a monkey?

We may naturally compare ourselves to others, but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy. Science is showing us that even successful people can’t enjoy their success if they spend their energy envying those who are even more successful. The flip-side is just as bad. Celebrating our relative success over others brings fleeting rewards, and warps our ability to have genuine relationships.

What we’re talking is about two ways of looking at success.

One road starts with competing, the other with creating.
One journey is fueled by winning, the other by growing.

When we tell our inner monkey to relax, we can truly celebrate the successes of other people, and in doing so build intimate friendships. We gain the ability to truly mourn with those who mourn, without secretly gloating that we’re better off.

A life of comparison is built on a foundation of scarcity.

It’s centered on the idea that there’s not enough to go around, and the only way to have is to take. It leads to winner-take-all models of success, where happiness is at the end of the longest driveway leading to the biggest house, where the most expensive car is parked.

Here’s the problem:

only one person can have the biggest house, and the person who has it is either scared of losing it or imagining one bigger.

A balanced life stops looking for happiness as some around-the-corner byproduct of achievement or gain. Instead happiness is found in the present, in the service of peace. Work stops being a means of achievement and starts becoming a part of fulfillment. Relationships aren’t connections to network, but companions to enjoy.

When we stop comparing, life stops being a race to a finish line and becomes an adventure we share with others.

I’ve stopped comparing my cucumbers to other people’s grapes. I’ve got more cucumbers than I need anyway. When I am lucky enough to receive a grape, I make a habit of sharing it instead of gloating.

The best life really is one free of comparison.

Here is What Makes Stories So Powerful

I’ve been studying stories now for more than ten years. I’ve read every book, attended every seminar and taken every course I’ve discovered on the subject.

Why? Because I love studying how people think.

And when you study stories, you’re really studying a hidden language every human being understands.

Stories come from age-old formulas.

What people don’t know about stories is that they’re told through rigid, pre-set formulas that have been developed over the centuries. By sharing best-practices for the last 2,000 years, storytellers have figured out how to compel a human brain.

It’s true. Neuroscientists have proven that when you and I hear a story, the rational part of our brain turns off and we, in part, begin to live vicariously through the experience of the characters.

That’s why, when we watch Jaws, our heart starts pounding. There’s a part of our subconscious that actually thinks we’re in the water with the shark!

In fact, I’ve been studying these formulas for so long that I can tell within fifteen minutes of a movie beginning what’s going to happen. My wife hates going to movies with me because inevitably, at some point, I’m going to elbow her, point at the screen and say something like, “That guy’s going to die in 31 minutes!”

Tommy Boy is the same movie as Star Wars.

Speaking of Jaws, did you know that movie is practically the same plot as “Beowulf?” And did you know there are only 7 basic stories that have ever been told? Story really is a hidden language that every human being is pre-programmed to understand.

Star Wars, for example, is the same movie as Tommy Boy.

Both Luke Skywalker and Tommy are given specific assignments to save the existing power structure from being taken over by evil. They both have guides who give them a plan and struggle against an enemy who epitomizes evil. And moreover, they both have to accomplish something very specific in the end or their entire worlds will implode.

Add to that they’re both struggling with an identity problem: Do I have what it takes? And I won’t even bring up the father issues they have in common.

Here’s the plot structure for Tommy Boy sketched on a piece of paper:

Story and Branding

I’ve been studying story for years because, like I said, it’s a hidden human language. And for the last few years, I’ve been helping both large and small brands clarify their story so they’re speaking the same human language their customers already speak. And the results have been incredible.

If you want to use the hidden, human language of story to communicate clearly and create incredible messaging, check out our process here.

Tomorrow, we start selling our Online Marketing Course. Hundreds have already learned the framework and the reviews are incredible. Again, if you want people to understand what you offer, you’ll want to learn this powerful framework.

Check out the StoryBrand Online Marketing Course and tomorrow morning, pick up your registration.

Five Articles I Sent My Staff This Week

As a staff, we are committed to learning and growing, both professionally and personally. One of the ways we do that is by reading. Below are some of the most current things we’re reading together.

If you’re in need of something great to read this weekend, start here.

15 Things Every Newbie Needs to Know About Starting A Business

via Entrepreneur

Honestly, this is great advice even for those of us who aren’t starting a business, but where individual attitudes and behavior impact the business as a whole. I especially like numbers 12 and 13.

Boredom Is Not A Problem to be Solved

via The Guardian

Our team isn’t made up of people who get bored very often. We’re all self-starters and love to take initiative. Which is why I thought my team would appreciate this perspective on boredom. Boredom is not tragic.

The Price We Pay for Sitting Too Much

via The Wall Street Journal

This is just some really practical advice for those of us who are on computers multiple hours each day. Take breaks. Go for walks. Stretch. Get out of the office. It’s more necessary than you know.

Stop Playing the Blame Game

via Psychology Today

This is just a basic rule of working in our office. We take responsibility for what’s ours. We don’t pass the blame. And it makes for a safe and comfortable working environment for everyone.

12 Ways to Hire A Winning Team

via Inc

What a great list to keep in mind when hiring new folks to join our team. I’m planning to keep this close at hand as we continue to grow.

A Surprising Way to Become More Generous

I used to think I was a generous person. Then, I met my husband.

At our wedding, his best friend pulled me aside and told me a few things he thought I should know about Darrell before we were married. One of them was, “He will give anything to anyone. He’ll give the shirt off his back. He is the most generous person you will ever meet.”

Sure enough, in our first year of marriage I found this to be true, which was endearing until he started giving away my things (after all, what’s mine is his) and revealed how generous I actually wasn’t.

Before I knew it I was having flashbacks to elementary school (hey, that’s mine!)

My husband is teaching me what it looks like to be generous.

One day, as we were talking generosity and why it was hard for me, my husband said something that totally changed the way I thought about generosity altogether. He said, “If you want to become better at giving, you need to become good at receiving, too.

“We can’t give gifts we haven’t received first.”

At first, I was skeptical. Really? I can become more generous by receiving? That seems like a total copout. But as I started paying attention to the way I received gifts, favors, or even compliments from people — sure enough, I saw a connection between giving and receiving in my life.

Someone would offer to pay for my meal, or buy me coffee, and I would refuse.

Someone would give me a gift, and I would feel guilty.

Someone would do me a favor, and I felt like I needed to repay them.

Someone would give me a compliment, and I would shake my head.

It took me months to discover why I had such a hard time receiving gifs. Each time someone offered to help me, or do something nice for me, or just told me I was beautiful, I had to ask myself — why does this make me so uncomfortable?

Over and over, my answer was the same: I don’t deserve it.

Not only was I operating under the assumption that gifts had to be earned, I felt like I hadn’t done enough to make myself worthy of earning the greatest gift of all — grace. No wonder it was hard for me to be generous.

I didn’t feel like I had anything to give.

Everything I owned, everything I had, was being held back to compensate for what I perceived to be some personal detriment.

These days, I like to think of resources and gifts like the flow of water. You can’t stop the flow in one part of the stream, and not have it impact the flow in another. If I cut off the flow of gifts into my life, no wonder there wouldn’t be a flow out.

Likewise, if I stop the flow of blessings out of my life, it makes sense that it would be difficult for gifts and blessings to flow in.

Receiving gifts is humbling. So is giving them.

Both remind me how little, and how much, I really have.