Donald Miller's Blog, page 19

Finding Forgiveness When It Seems Impossible

From the time I was very young, I was coerced, controlled, abused and taken advantage of by someone I trusted.

You may not be able to relate exactly to my story, but chances are by the time you’re reading this article, you know what it feels like to be lied to, abused, controlled, forgotten, rejected or in some other way wounded by someone you loved and trusted. I have yet to meet a person who has made it through life without facing one of these wounds.

And because we understand what it feels like to be injured in this way, we also know how truly challenging it can be to offer forgiveness.

Photo Credit: Amanda Tipton, Creative Commons

This realization had already sunk in for me by the time I was seven. I didn’t want anything to do with forgiveness. I would hide what happened and twist it and lie about it if I needed to, but I wasn’t going to tell anyone. I wasn’t going to forgive. I would grow into it over time, I assumed, this burden I was carrying.

I would grow strong enough to carry it.

And like a lead security blanket, I took it everywhere I went.

As I grew older, I tried to forget. It worked, for the most part. When you carry a burden long enough, it doesn’t feel like a burden anymore. It just feels like life. I thought about it rarely. When I did think about it, I prayed it would evaporate into thin air, and that maybe I would evaporate with it.

In some ways, I did evaporate. In many ways I did forget.

But the longer I went on with my burden, the more I allowed history to repeat itself. It’s funny how that happens. When you’re the girl with the burden, or the secret, people start to treat you like the girl with the burden or the secret, even if they aren’t sure why or what it is. That’s even how you treat yourself, if only because you don’t know anything different.

Day after day my burden would grow heavier, and bitterness would grow, and I would be reminded of it again—my need for forgiveness.

But I was still unwilling.

I hated the way forgiveness was talked about at church. It sounded like a moral obligation, like the only natural and reasonable and “Christian” response to harm. But nothing about forgiveness seemed natural to me. In fact, it seemed very unnatural and confusing. If forgiveness was the “Christian” thing to do, maybe I wasn’t a Christian after all.

For all the why’s behind forgiveness, I rarely heard anyone talk about how to do it.

The truth about forgiveness is that it is not a moral obligation, or even a natural response. It isn’t even for the person you’re forgiving. It’s for you. I love the way Anne Lamott puts it: “Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.”

We must learn how to forgive if we are ever going to heal and enjoy our lives.

Here are three things I’ve learned about the “how” of forgiveness:

First of all, we talk about forgiveness like it’s an event, and it’s just not. In fact, one of the only things that has helped me heal from my past is to stop saying, “I forgive you” and start saying, “I’m forgiving you.” Forgiveness isn’t an event any more than brushing your teeth is an event.

It is something you must do over and over and over again. Eventually, it becomes a habit. It does get easier with time.

And second, forgiveness is like love in that it must move two directions. We cannot begin to forgive others until we have learned to forgive ourselves. If you are having a hard time forgiving someone in your life, begin practicing this phrase: “I forgive myself for buying into the belief that…”

I say this to myself a dozen times each day.

I forgive myself for buying into the belief that I could have stopped what happened to me.
I forgive myself for buying into the belief that I am damaged goods
I forgive myself for buying into the belief that I deserved what happened to me.
I forgive myself for buying into the belief that I will never be happy.

Forgiving myself allows me to forgive others. Start with self forgiveness.

Speaking of self forgiveness, I heard this phrase from someone once, and it’s become a mantra of mine when I’m working on forgiveness. The phrase goes like this:

Most people, most of the time, are just doing the best they can.

It makes me think of myself, as a little girl, lying to keep my secret from the people who loved me most, who could have helped me if I would have let them. It makes me think of myself as a teenager, so desperate to find love I looked in all the wrong places. I think of the people I hurt and all the damage I inflicted in the process, and then I take a deep breath and think:

For the most part, I was doing the best I could.

And suddenly, like a raging river of tears and regret and grace and love I’m not sure I deserve, I feel forgiveness rush in.

It doesn’t make it okay what I did, but it makes me forgiven.

It makes me think of my college boyfriend, who lied to me so many times I could have filled a semi with his untruth before, years later, I finally closed the door on that relationship. I think about all the stories he made up about where he was going, what he was doing, who he was with and I can’t help but wonder how much shame he must have felt to make up stories like that.

Slowly but surely, I feel it happen, like a release valve on a too-tight container. It doesn’t make it okay what he did, but it makes him forgiven.

And that feels good.

Of course, the hardest thing to do is to think back to the place where this all started, the person who made me do things I didn’t want to do, forced me to concede my childhood long before it was time. The hardest thing to do, the thing that seems most impossible, is to find forgiveness there. But strangely forgiveness seems to come in that place as I practice it in the rest of my life—especially to myself.

Not all at once, but it comes in phases and waves each time I forgive the man who cuts me off in traffic, or the woman called me a name because I didn’t do what she wanted, or the friend who misunderstands and gossips behind my back.

I take a few deep breaths and whisper to myself:

Most people, most of the time, are doing the best they can.

Finally—and this may be the most important thing I’ve learned about forgiveness—is that forgiving does not mean forgetting.

We get this so wrong in our culture, and it can be really dangerous. Sometimes the most forgiving thing we can do, for ourselves and for the person who has hurt us, is to say, “thank you for what you have taught me about myself and about life. I’m moving on.”

Forgiveness cannot take place without also justice, honesty, boundaries, space, distance, time. You do not have to feel guilty about this. It is not a rejection of the other. It is a radical acceptance of yourself.

What would happen if, just for today, you thought about the person who has hurt you most and said to yourself:

“I am forgiving you. By that I mean, I’m not going to blame you or hold you responsible for my life or my future any longer. The power to shape what is coming is mine now. I take it back for myself. I reclaim my power. And that grudge I’ve been carrying, well, it’s hurting me more than it’s hurting you, so for that reason, I’m going to set it down. I’ll see how it feels to walk around without it, a little lighter, a little freer. And I don’t have to make any promises about the future—except that I will try again tomorrow.”

Why Sometimes The Best Thing to Do With Relationships is Let Them Go

In five years, you’ll become a conglomerate of the people you spend the most time with. In fact, if I wanted to know who you were going to be five years from now, I’d not ask what you do, what education you have, what you eat or whether you exercise, though all those things have an impact. Instead, I’d want to spend a little time with the folks you spend time with.

That alone would tell me who you were going to become.

Photo Credit: Leo Hidalgo, Creative Commons

We are intensely relational beings. We become like each other. It’s just a fact

For this reason, I recommend analyzing all our relationships. Literally put them all on a map and ask ourselves whether we want to become like these people or not. If we don’t, I strongly believe that, if possible, we should consider letting some relationships go.

It’s scandalous, I know. But I recommend it all the same.

Occasionally, if I’m speaking to a group of Christians I’ll have somebody ask whether Jesus would ever walk away from somebody. My answer is that He not only would, He did.

In the story of the rich young ruler, Jesus asked him to follow Him, to join Him, to develop a relationship on His terms. The rich young ruler declined, as we know, and Jesus stood and grieved because He loved the young man. And then Jesus walked away. Jesus didn’t go live with the man, giving up His important mission to settle down and play video games and swim in the guy’s pool.

Jesus walked away.

Sometimes we take the idea that Jesus goes after the lost sheep to mean we should become like the unhealthy people around us. But this of course is foolish.

We should have a direction in life, we should become people who are more and more sanctified, and we should be inviting others to join us. And if they won’t come, we grieve. But we move on all the same. Some relationships simply aren’t good for us.

You aren’t rejecting them, they’re choosing not to come with you.

This simple paradigm shift helped me a great deal. I hope it helps you, too.

Pay Attention to What Makes You Come Alive

I once heard my friend Steve Moakler say, “Pay attention to the people and things that make you come alive.” He was making the point that the stuff that makes us come alive is a great way to learn what to pursue in our own lives.

This concept of chasing the things I loved was instilled in me early on, thanks to my mom. I remember her encouraging me to go wherever I wanted to go when I was looking at colleges. At the time, I wasn’t sure exactly where that was. I decided to stick around Kansas City for a couple years to think more intentionally about college, and then for my junior year, I decided to follow my love for music and give Belmont University a try.

I picked up and moved to Nashville.

Living in a city full of musicians as a musician is either incredibly inspiring and motivates you to work harder, or it does the exact opposite. The culture of the city made me come alive. It gave me a desire to learn as much about the industry of creatives and the players involved as I possibly could. I made a list of artists I wanted to meet and hoped to one day connect with these people to gain insight on their lives and the decisions they’d made to get to where they were at.

Through several conversations with touring musicians over the years, I learned about the tension they all lived in — loving their art, but also having to balance new and exciting opportunities while keeping their families in mind.

Fortunately and unfortunately, the more I learned about the lifestyle, the less I saw myself in it long term.

I heard a lot about being gone.

There was a common tension about having to travel and be away from family in order to make money. I could sense their constant distractedness in public, due to being noticed or approached by fans. I recognized their insecurity while performing, not knowing how many people would show up and buy their records and thus, provide meals for their families the upcoming week.

Photo Credit: Incase

Learning these things did the opposite of making me come alive.

But there were some things about their lives that did make me come alive. Traveling and seeing new ways of life had a way of broadening their perspective. Performing for fans meant conversing with new people each and everyday, people they never would have encountered if they’d just stayed home. Touring also sounded like an adventure, full of memories and life-long stories. That sounded interesting to me.

So what did I do?

I lived it out so that I could feel both of these perspectives for myself. I wanted to know which experiences would make me come alive. I decided to release some of my own music and travel. Sure, there was a pressure to sell records, but also a joy in connecting with new people and traveling that I had never felt before. In time, I leaned more into the idea of pursuing the aspects of the lifestyle I enjoyed, while trying to eliminate the negative stuff.

Would it be possible to still connect with new people and travel occasionally without the complete lifestyle of a musician? I kept making tweaks to my life, pursuing the stuff I knew made me come alive, not knowing where it would all take me at the time.

Eight years later, I’m no longer pursuing music. I decided that lifestyle wasn’t for me.

And that’s okay!

The pursuit wasn’t a failure because it helped clarify the things in me that I ended up working toward. The love of connecting with people and traveling has not ceased, so I keep that a part of my life. While I love being home with my wife, I enjoy hopping on the road for a couple days a month. That pace is sustainable for me and also gives me energy and inspiration.

As you enter 2015, take some time to consider what Steve said. Who are the people and what are the things that make you come alive? How can you live each day to move closer to those things? What idea or dream do you need to try out?

Chase what makes you come alive.

What Are the 3 Things You Want to Finish This Year?

Today is the final day in my series “Start Life Over.” I hope you’ve loved it. Once again, if you want to download the entire series as a PDF and share it with friends, you can do so here. Feel free to email it to anybody you want. Send it to your entire office, your church, or even your pets.

This last principle was the hardest for me to learn but perhaps the most powerful in helping me get things done.

The fifth and final principle is this: I can only do three big things in a year.

That’s it. Just three.

Photo Credit: Парки Татарстана, Creative Commons

Most people I know who aren’t having much of an impact in the world suffer from one of two problems. Either they don’t know what they want to do or they are trying to do too much.

I’ve never really had trouble knowing what I’ve wanted to do, but I’ve had tons of trouble trying to do too much.

And this is a problem.

I used to think that’s just how life is. It gets busy. Responsibilities get piled on. And the more I believed that, the worse my life got. Something had to change.

Warren Buffet said, “The difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything.”

The key here is learning to let go of great opportunities to take advantage of even better opportunities. Once life starts flowing and you start succeeding the opportunities pile on. And people want something from you. But here’s the deal, you can either get a little bit done on a lot of projects or you can finish a few of them and change the world.

I’ve turned down many opportunities.

They are opportunities to endorse books, write forwards, do television interviews, serve on boards of directors, speak overseas and on and on, and I rejected them all gladly because if I did those things I’d have lost the ability to do something else.

These days, I give myself three big projects each year, and I intend to finish them. This year I’ll write my first business book, launch a new division of my company, and I’ll write a year-long series of emails to help business leaders learn to communicate clearly. That’s it. I can’t do anything more than that.

This all sounds arrogant and harsh, and I suppose it is. I get my feathers up about it because people can be quite demanding. Tim, the guy who runs my company, just sent me an email from the head of a non-profit who guilted and shamed us for not endorsing a book her non-profit is releasing.

She explained why we owed them something.

The email made me angry, to be honest. I know she’s doing great work, but she also knows the value of focus. She was focused and determined, but she didn’t care whether or not we got off-focus.

Picking three major things to do this year, whether it’s as fun as having the best family vacation ever or as big as starting a new business, will change your year. It may also ruffle some feathers. But we can’t do big things if we’re distracted. And you don’t really owe anybody anything. If you break focus for a second to help with something, that’s an awesome gift to them but make sure to know it came at a cost.

This last post will likely get the most negative feedback. It sounds like I’m saying that you should only focus on yourself. But that’s not what I mean at all. My hope is those three things you’re going to create will be beautiful and will help tons of people. They’re important. In fact, it might even be selfish of you not to focus on them.

Each day I fill out a one-page planner.

It’s a tool I created that has massively boosted my productivity. On that planner, I’ve got a to-do list that is full of stuff I need to get done, but the big part of the page asks me to write down the three projects I’ll allow myself to work on that day. My mind can really only focus on three. After that I’m toast.

I know you can do this. I’ve not met anybody yet who didn’t have incredible potential in them. It will require focus and you’ll have to say no to enormous and fun opportunities. But your work is important. The change you’ll bring to the world may benefit thousands.

This has been a fun series to write. I hadn’t realized how much these ideas have changed my life until I wrote them all down. Good stuff. I’m hoping this series will help thousands of people do thousands of big, life-changing things this year. Can’t wait to hear the stories.

If you want more help changing, TODAY IS THE LAST DAY to pick up Michael Hyatt’s life planning course called 5 Days to Your Best Year Ever. Here’s to an incredible 2016!

Why You Can’t Be Friends with That Guy

I’m continuing my series called Start Life Over today. The series is about the real way people change. People don’t change by believing in hokey formulas; they change because they experience and understand serious, foundational paradigm shifts.

If you want to download the entire series in which I explain these shifts in a PDF, just click here. Otherwise, we’ll continue with the fourth principle.

The fourth principle is this: You will become like the people you hang out with.

If you’ve ever attended one of my conferences or if you’ve gone through our life plan, you know this is one of my core beliefs.

And it’s not just a belief.

It’s a fact. You are more than what you eat, how much you exercise, or how much sleep you get. You are a conglomerate of the people you hang out with.

I have a friend who runs a small business and is just now experiencing a great deal of success. His team is great, but there’s one guy I’ve noticed my friend has trouble with. When I asked him about it, he said dealing with the guy was like dealing with a 7-year old.

“Why do you keep him around?” I asked.

He told me he needed him, that he was sure his ideas were valuable. I told him what I’d tell anybody: Let him go. He’s going to corrupt your entire culture. Pretty soon you’ll have other team members taking on his characteristics.

My friend listened.

But he ultimately didn’t take my advice. Or at least he didn’t for six more months. He finally let him go when he just couldn’t take it anymore. The guy was causing too many divisions and spreading a negative culture.

Photo Credit: Sebastiaan ter Burg

These days, my friend’s company sings right along and he hardly even misses the guy. Isn’t it funny how much we think we need certain people when the reality is we really don’t? Often, we’d be better off without them.

One bad egg will make your life miserable. And worse, eventually you’ll become like them. If you hang out with bitter people, you’ll get bitter yourself. And the sure way to become a cynic is to hang out with cynical people. Want a Darwinian, cut-throat view of life? Just hang out with sharks.

Every once in a while I get some pushback on this idea.

Shouldn’t we be gracious and forgiving?

And my answer is yes. But what does being gracious and forgiving have to do with selling your soul? And if you’re people pleasing your way into relationships that are negatively affecting you, you’re definitely compromising your soul.

The idea isn’t that we’re viewing ourselves as better than others; the idea is that we’re protecting ourselves from becoming somebody we don’t want to become.

When Jesus talks with the rich young ruler, he explains the rules, grieves the ruler’s decision not to become like Him, and walks away. He doesn’t misappropriate grace by joining the ruler and forfeiting His mission in life.

Who do you want to be?

Do you want to be kind, smart, authentic, vulnerable, wise, and disciplined? If so, find people like that and spend a lot of time with them because that’s exactly what you will become.

Some of us pay more attention to what we eat than we do to who we’re eating with. The reality is, the latter has a more dramatic affect on the quality of our lives.

Now this gets complicated in a couple ways. The first is, well, there are certain people you can’t get away from. Perhaps your coworkers (though you really could quit if you had to) or maybe your spouse. These situations really stink.

In this case, putting up some boundaries would be great.

And while hard, it’s really doable.

Just refuse to become whoever it is they are. In time, you might even have a positive affect on them. After all, they’re also becoming a lot like you.

The second way this gets complicated is that it’s contextual. What I mean is, certain people have more strength than others.

If I’m around a really selfish person, I’ll become like them too easily. I have to keep my distance. I have friends, though, who are way less impressionable. They can stay in those relationships longer and not be affected. So our levels of tolerance vary from person to person.

The idea remains the same, though.

We can be way more proactive in choosing who we spend time with and this will make all the difference. Are there relationships you need to let go of? Are there new people you need to intentionally get time with? Let’s make some changes in who we hang out with and watch how powerfully we begin to change ourselves.

Tomorrow, the final principle in Start Life Over. I’ve enjoyed this series so far and I hope you have too!

If you want more help changing, you’ve only got one day left to pick up Michael Hyatt’s program called 5 Days to Your Best Year Ever. Now’s the time to take a step toward a better year in 2016.

Starting Life Over Means Learning When to Quit

I’m continuing my Start Life Over series today. The series is about the underpinning beliefs we all need to have to really change. If you want to download the entire series as a PDF, just click here. Otherwise, here we go!

The third principle of the series is this: Sometimes it’s okay to quit.

If you don’t have today off, you’re likely bored at work. Certainly not all of you, but studies show more than 50% of Americans are not inspired by their jobs. This really stinks. All that college tuition, all those hours searching and hoping for a job that fulfills us have come to this. Boredom.

I’ve been there.

I used to work at a company where I’d take an extra lap around the parking lot even though there were plenty of empty spaces, just because I didn’t want to go inside. And once inside, I’d waste time. But the horrible part wasn’t the wasting time, it was the guilt I felt because I was wasting time.

So what can be done? What do we do if we don’t like our jobs? Or for that matter, what do we do if we don’t like our lives?

My friend Bob Goff tries to quit something every Thursday. Most of the time it’s small stuff, like biting his nails and stuff. But sometimes it’s big stuff. He’s actually resigned from Boards because it was a Thursday.

Photo Credit: Christopher Michel, Creative Commons

The idea is twofold: 1. Get rid of anything that doesn’t need to be in your life and 2. Realize you don’t have to be stuck in a rut.

You can quit things.

If you’re in a dating relationship that’s been killing you, quit. If you aren’t happy with that small group you’ve been meeting with, quit. It’s not like you’re quitting your spouse or God, you’re just living out the God-given reality you’ve got choices and are completely allowed to make them.

And if you’re really bold, you can even quit your job. I know it sounds crazy and there are all sorts of reasons we should stay. We have to feed our children. We have to make our mortgage payments. But wouldn’t you just love to quit? Wouldn’t you love to wake up, perhaps a month from now, and love your work instead of being so bored?

Warren Buffet says the secret to successful people is they have learned to say no to almost everything. They aren’t people who go around seeking security. They seek the big life.

And because they seek it, they get it.

I had a friend years ago who hated his job. He complained all the time about his associates and his boss. That didn’t bother me too much, but one day when he was talking about his son, who also hated his job, he said “you know what my boy needs to learn? He needs to learn that everybody hates their job. They’re supposed to hate their job. Working isn’t supposed to be fun; that’s in the Bible.”

I stood there taken aback. I completely disagreed with him. I loved my job. And the Bible said work would be hard, not that it was supposed to be miserable.

Here’s something I’ve learned over the years. People who are willing to wait for what they want have a much higher percentage chance of enjoying life in the long run. And those who choose security over passion have a much higher chance of not enjoying life.

Now I’ve likely offended most of the people reading this. And I apologize for that. God knows I’m not asking all of you to quit your jobs. That’s a big step.

But do we really have to settle?

I mean were you really created to be born, be bored, then be buried? Is that what God had in mind?

Ask yourself this: how many decisions are you making because you want security? And how’s that going for you? What’s one thing you can do to make your life more passionate and enjoyable? If you did that thing, what would be the next thing that would make life more passionate and enjoyable? And then what’s the thing after that?

What if, by the end of 2016, you were doing something in your life you didn’t hate? Something that didn’t make you bored? What if?

…

To get your year started on the right track, pick up 5 Days to Your Best Year Ever. Why not invest in yourself in order to make 2016 the best year ever?

You Are in a Relationship with Yourself; Make It a Healthy One

Today I continue my series called Start Life Over. If you missed Friday’s post, just click “previous” below or you can go ahead and download the entire series as a PDF for free here.

The idea behind the series is that together we’d experience our most meaningful year yet. To do this, I want to focus on the 5 most powerful principles I’ve learned that have helped me create more meaning in my life and actually experience serious, monumental change.

The second principle is this: You are in a relationship with yourself. Make it a healthy one.

This one is a little complicated, but I promise it will make sense by the end of this post. And it’s the most powerful idea I’ve ever come to understand.

First, though, I have to confess something.

I’m very driven by other people’s approval of me. I mean if somebody doesn’t like me or think I did a good job, it hurts. I feel like a loser. Mostly I sense this passively, like I just get angry or hurt or something. I’m not often willing to admit they’re affecting me, but on an honest day I’ll tell you the truth: Other people’s opinions mean a lot to me. In fact, they have the power to name me, to tell me who I am.

Photo Credit: Brandon King, Creative Commons

As I’ve grown older and read more and more about psychology, I’ve realized that, in part, this is by design. We really do shape our opinions about ourselves, in large part, through the opinions of others. It’s as though we wear certain clothes and act a certain way and try to succeed at things so other people will tell us we are good or valuable. And when they do, we feel a little better about ourselves and when they don’t, we start thinking we are losers.

But one day I had a dramatic realization.

I spent a few hours with a friend I have a great deal of respect for. He’s the kind of guy I’d really like to be. He’s kind, productive, generous, humble, super disciplined, and respectable. He almost always wears a nice suit but is never snooty (not that that matters, but it’s kind of cool, right?).

Well, later that night I caught myself disrespecting myself a little bit. Just being overly critical. And then it hit me.

I’m in a relationship with myself.

I know that sounds a little odd, but if you think about it, we really do operate like two people. We are a person who lives and breathes and does things; then we are another person who judges ourselves. It’s as though we have a critic in our brain.

Now some people’s critics are too harsh and judgmental, for sure. And that’s a whole other issue, perhaps one that needs counseling. (That’s not a knock. I’ve spent hours in counseling.)

Then I had another major epiphany.

And it was this: The reason I respect my friend so much is because he does respectful things. I mean he’s disciplined and considerate and generous and kind and, well, he doesn’t look like a slob.

So I began to wonder, if I do more respectful things, perform more generous actions and, well, dress a little better, will I actually have a little more self respect? In other words, because I’m in a relationship with myself, maybe I should act in such a way that my “self” could respect my “self” a little more.

And it worked. I would find myself wanting to eat a half gallon of ice cream while watching television and I asked myself “if you skipped this, would you have a little more respect for yourself?” and the truth is I would. So I skipped it. And I had much more self respect.

I liked myself more.

This sort of thing translated into a whole host of other areas of my life. I started holding my tongue a little more and found I respected myself more when I was more thoughtful in conversation. I found myself less willing to people please because, well, people who people please aren’t as respectable, right?

Here’s another thing I realized: Human beings aren’t really motivated by goals; they’re motivated by character transformation.

Every story that we love is about a character that doubts himself or herself in the beginning and believes in himself or herself at the end. The most powerful stories are about people who learn something about themselves that changes their identity for the better.

The reason I bring this up is because when you dangle the carrot of “I will respect you more if you make a better decision here” in front of your nose, it’s incredibly motivating.

We all want to be loved.

We all want to feel approval. So why not get into a healthy relationship with yourself where you do respectable things to earn your own respect?

I’ve noticed the people I admire the most are the people who respect themselves, who have standards that seem to have little to do with the opinions of others and much to do with their opinion of themselves.

When we rely on the opinion of others to shape us, we’re getting into dangerous territory. The reality is it’s a competitive and fallen world. People mean well and are often very nice, but we’re all competing for some kind of social validation that we wrongly believe is scarce.

So the idea that another person’s view of you will be objective is unlikely. People will view you through the filter that benefits them the best. That’s why it’s so important to have a great relationship with yourself.

It’s important to be objective.

As it is to be fair and to do the things that help you respect yourself and create your own sense of self worth.

I’d confuse people if I didn’t mention that God is the one who ultimately names us and gives us our worth. Certainly this is true. It’s true at our core, soul level. But we are much more relational than that. Ultimately our relationships with ourselves and with others have dramatic sway.

Perhaps this is because of the fall of man, I’m not sure. But I do know that nobody I know is not affected by the opinions they have of themselves or the opinions they receive of others. It’s powerful, powerful stuff and for that reason, I’d rather us filter those opinions so they’re based on fact and are fair and objective. And you’re the best person to do that in your own life.

So, in summary:

People are deeply motivated by the potential transformation of how they see themselves.
The opinions of others can be nice, but they’re hardly objective.
You are in a relationship with yourself and your opinion of yourself can help transform you.
You’ll respect yourself a lot more if you do respectful things.

That’s it for Day 2.

This one was heavy, but it’s powerful stuff.

If you really want to change who you are on the deepest level, start listening to that voice inside you and start earning its respect by doing respectful things. You’d be surprised at how fair and balanced you actually are when you change your decisions so that your “self” can start to respect your “self.”

Tomorrow, we’ll talk about the incredible power of quitting!

If you want more help changing, you only have 3 days left to pick up Michael Hyatt’s program, 5 Days to Your Best Year Ever.

Why Refusing to Change is Killing You

Today begins my series called Start Life Over. In the series, I’ll talk about 5 things necessary to re-start our lives. The hope is that, together, we can have the most meaningful year we’ve ever had.

In the series, I’ll go through the 5 principles I learned that helped me lose a ton of weight, grow my company and even get married. I’ve never been helped by trite goals or feel-good formulas. It was the big paradigm shifts that helped me create a framework for change.

The first principle is this: You were designed to change.

A couple years ago, I wrote a blog about how I’m glad I’m not the same person I was when I wrote Blue Like Jazz.

For those of you who don’t know my writing, Blue was my first breakthrough book. I wrote it in my late twenties and it spent many weeks on various bestseller lists. That said, when I wrote the book I was 150 pounds heavier, lonely, codependent and emotionally isolated.

I only say that because over the years my writing has changed. Hopefully I’m still vulnerable, but I’m not as messed up as I used to be.

And you know what’s strange?

People miss the old, messed up me. They say, “I miss the old Don.” Well, I have to tell you, I don’t. Things that stay the same aren’t healthy.

These days life isn’t perfect, but it’s a heck of a lot better. I’m down 150 pounds, I’ve built an amazing community and my business has quadrupled. I even got married. I’ve changed. And I’m glad.

For years, though, it was hard for me to change. And one of the main reasons (there are 5) I couldn’t improve my life was because I didn’t realize I actually could change. I thought people were just people and we were stuck as we were.

But that was a lie.

Here’s a principle that has everything to do with becoming somebody different: Every healthy thing God created changes.

If something doesn’t change it’s dead. God designed the world so that it is in constant motion, never sitting still, always dying and being reborn. Everything is changing, all the time. Even you.

Physically, you will regenerate several times before you die. The skin you have now will not be the same skin you have in 7 years. What this means for us is we get to let go of the mistakes we’ve made in the past. We also get to let go of the identity other people want to trap us in. We get to change.

We get to become somebody different.

One of the ways God encourages us to change is by constantly starting things over.

He created you to sleep, so every night you lie down and go into an odd kind of coma for about 8 hours and then you wake up and start another day. Think of it like a do-over. And it’s not only you. The whole earth is starting over every morning.

And it’s not only days that start over, it’s the seasons, too. Soon it will be spring, again, for the millionth time. But it will be all new to us. And then summer and then fall, always changing, always starting over, always inviting us to do the same.

I meet people occasionally who think of themselves the way I used to think of myself when I was so unhealthy.

They think of themselves as fixed beings.

That is, beings who cannot change. But this is a lie. We can change and were designed to change. Still, though, even if I can convince them they were designed to change (as is obvious) then they believe change is hard.

Really? Why should something so natural, so ingrained in our design be hard?

One of the most freeing realizations I’ve ever had is that I was designed to change. Once I realized that, I was able to let go of the old me so the new me could get created. I didn’t have to be scared, lazy, or controlled by fear anymore. That me could die away and a new me could start growing out of the ashes. I could be somebody different.

Of course nobody changes over night.

But nobody changes at all if they don’t believe they’re supposed to.

So here’s the question: Do you believe you were designed to change? And if so, what’s stopping you? I mean that literally; what’s stopping you from changing?

In the next entry, I’ll talk about the second thing I believe stops us from changing and what we can do about it.

For now, let’s start the year by meditating on the idea we are all designed to change. At the end of 2016, none of us have to be the same person we are now.

That’s not what we were designed to do. I’ve changed, and I’m glad. God thinks it’s okay for you to change, too.

If you want more help changing, pick up Michael Hyatt’s program called 5 Days to Your Best Year Ever. Every hero needs a guide. Choose one today and get on with your story!

Start Life Over, Reminder

Just a reminder that my blog series Start Life Over begins on Friday. I hope you take the time to read it and reflect on the ideas each day. Each of the ideas were monumental in helping me make serious changes and experience a completely different life than I had only a few years ago.

The Start Life Over series is also available as a PDF download for free, right now. I’d love for you to have it. Just click here. We’re serious about helping you find the resources that will make the coming year truly amazing.

I know how it feels to kiss goodbye to a previous year, let down that it didn’t work out or feeling like it passed without much meaning. And I also know how it feels to look back and say, wow, that was my best year ever. For me, change came when I started to see the world differently, to own the fact God has given me shared agency in creating a better life. We’re growing our tribe of people committed to making their life experience much, much better.

Besides the free Start Life Over series, we have an incredible resource to help you get serious about taking back your life.

5 DAYS TO YOUR BEST YEAR EVER

If you want even more help, I’m recommending Michael Hyatt’s program 5 Days to Your Best Year Ever. Mike is a dear friend and mentor who has helped me immensely. He may be the most productive, focused person I’ve ever met. And in his course, he shares the principles he’s learned that have helped him carve out a meaningful, productive life. Highly recommended. You can learn more about Mike’s program here.

I’m doing everything I can to make 2016 the most meaningful year of my life. But nothing is enjoyable unless it’s shared. Let’s go on this journey together. See you Friday!

Sincerely,

Donald Miller

How to Forget About 2015

For me, 2015 was fantastic. We doubled the size of my company, I put a book on the NYT Bestsellers list and Betsy and I settled into our second year of marriage. I wish every year could be this good.

The truth is, it wasn’t always this way, though.

It’s hard to believe that just a couple years before Betsy and I got married, life was a complete mess. I remember not-so-fondly coming to the end of 2011 and being grateful the year was over. I’d lost almost everything in an insecure financial investment, was alone, confused, and behind a deadline on a book.

Some years are better than others.

I’m writing to let you know if you had a bad year, things can and likely will get better. Much better.

Not long ago I interviewed the owners of Canlis Restaurant, a fine-dining restaurant on the west coast. The restaurant has won 17 consecutive Grand Awards from Wine Spectator Magazine and is considered one of the best restaurants in America. The owners are brothers, Mark and Brian Canlis, and the third generation in their family to run the restaurant.

And they’re continuing a legacy.

Canlis has been at the top of the fine-dining scene for 64 years.

When I asked what the secret was, the answer they gave that caught my interest most was “change.” They said they knew how and when to change. Mark and Brian said life should be viewed similarly to how we look through the windshield of a car. They said the windshield is much larger than the rearview mirror.

Photo Credit: Christopher Michel, Creative Commons

People who spend too much time looking back at their failures tend to repeat them. Mark and Brian’s advice was this:

Keep looking forward.

Know where you’re going and steer the car toward something new and exciting. And you can’t do that if you’re always looking in the rear-view mirror.

As I’ve already mentioned, later this week I’m going to start a blog series called Start Life Over. The series will start this coming Friday and covers 5 things every person needs to know if they want to start their lives again.

We all get tons of advice this time of year. But this isn’t advice. These are the 5 paradigm shifts I’ve encountered that have changed the way I’ve viewed my life.

Read the blog each day, will you? We’re growing this community by inviting more and more people to completely change their story and live out of their strengths and passions. We want you to join us.

If you don’t think you’ll remember come Friday morning, I’m offering the entire series as a free PDF right now. The whole series. Download it and pass it around. Let’s explore these ideas together.

If you want more help planning an incredible year, I highly encourage you to be a part of Michael Hyatt’s online course, 5 Days to Your Best Year Ever.

On January 7th, that course goes away.

If you’ve not taken the course, now’s a great time to start. People have loved it.

We hope you enjoy the Start Life Over series. If you’d like to read it all at once, here’s the PDF now. To get the deal on the life plan, click here.

Can’t wait for 2016! See you back on Friday.