Donald Miller's Blog, page 16

Why We Need You to Show Up Before You Have it “All Figured Out”

Over the past couple of months—with holidays and cold weather and snow days—I have played a few games of cards with friends and family, and I recognized a recurring moment.

Photo Credit: Brandon King, Creative Commons

When you’re getting ready to play, someone more experienced explains the rules, maybe trying to present a few general principles to keep in mind about, as Kenny Rogers puts it, “knowing what to throw away and knowing what to keep.” After clarifying and asking questions, someone who is newer to the game says something like, “I think I get it, let’s just start playing and I’ll understand,” and the person doling out the instructions confirms:

“Yeah, you’ll see what I mean when we get going.”

I’m neither the first nor the most eloquent person (see above: Kenny Rogers) to compare life to a card game, but I noticed this opening exchange is one of the only scenarios in which I’m quick to say:

“I think I’ve got it, I’m sure I’ll keep figuring it out as we go.”

In contrast, I spend a lot of energy in real life thinking I can’t make a decision or take an action until I’ve analyzed every imaginary way everything could turn out—anything from a conversation with a friend to an entire career path.

My posture is usually one of worry: “Oh, but I just want to make sure of one more thing,” and, “Am I fully prepared for Scenarios A-G?”

A little more information than however much I have always seems like it would make a decision easier, clearer, and ultimately, less scary.

I get a kind of faux-comfort from these mulling-marathons.

I can’t give up my perpetual fretting about if something is a good choice. It’s tempting to think that if I put in my time dissecting something from every angle and polling everyone I know, then challenging consequences can be completely avoided or, at the very least, not be my fault.

Instead, I could benefit from carrying more of this card-playing attitude of, “hey, I know enough to start, and I’ll bet I’ll have what I need to figure out what to do next” into my real life.

We can, and should, listen and ponder and ask questions and soak in wisdom and expertise, but when you get right down to it, we learn what’s important and figure out how to put those things into practice during the game itself.

For the most part, we learn as we go.

Let me give you an example.

To mix metaphors for a second, the other day I taped up several wallpaper samples to choose between, and my husband walked by and said, “I like the top left, but it’s just hard to tell how it will look covering the whole room.”

Isn’t that always the way?

What you can see is just short of what would make it easy to act, and it’s hard not to think you’d be better off if you could have one more card in sight.

Choosing a career or figuring out a relationship or deciding how to change the world or your own self is more complicated than getting rid of the Queen of Spades, so I don’t mean to say that we should rush into real-life-scale decisions as casually as we deal a hand.

Yet life constantly asks us to act only on the cards we can see.

Even my most sophisticated worrying has never revealed some holy grail of insight that enabled me to predict the future or orchestrate a certain outcome.

Clever comparisons aside—in the real world we actually do have to go ahead and get going before anything is guaranteed.

Remembering this, I want to approach real-life situations from a posture of assurance rather than one of anxiety or worry. Because most of the time it really is enough to fan out the cards I do have, look at them honestly, keeping the most basic rules in mind (hopefully with friends at a card table), and go from there.

Why You Should Give Yourself a Little More Grace

Have you ever tried to quit a bad habit but went right back after the first relapse? Let’s say you’re quitting caffeine, then a bleary day hits and you have that one cup of coffee, only to go right back to the old habit.

It’s almost as though that first slip up lets go the flood.

Photo Credit: Christopher Michel, Creative Commons

I used to be all or nothing about stuff like this but I recently had a conversation with Bill Lokey who helped me understand relapses are part of the process of changing a behavior.

Some of you know Bill.

He has spoken at Storyline Conference, is a Clinical Psychologist and knows a great deal about how and why people change.

Just the other day, Bill and I were talking about habits, how they form and how we can change them and he mentioned something I thought was interesting. He said when he works with somebody to help them change a habit, relapse is part of the program.

You heard me correctly.

Relapse is part of the program.

He said when somebody tries to quit smoking, they normally relapse three to four times before they finally quit.

He also mentioned that it was important for people to have some grace toward themselves about behavior change. The idea is to keep moving forward, but when we slip up, simply plant our feet and keep moving, slowly, but further than the place where we slipped up before.

I found this helpful, not only with changing habits, but in life in general. If you grew up in a religious community, you’re likely to have encountered an all-or-nothing mentality. When there are lots of rules, there is usually lots of judgment and lots of shame and lots of hiding our mistakes. This is terribly unhealthy for creating, well, health.

God offers grace

But when a community is trying to control people, grace isn’t a well understood or exchanged concept.

Here’s the big idea: A lack of grace toward ourselves actually hurts us if we are trying to make progress in any area of our lives.

The key seems to be to intentionally move forward with full effort, but quickly shake off and forgive slip-ups.

What would it look like?

What would it look like to allow yourself to be perfectly human?

What would change in your life if you let go of an all-or-nothing mentality and you stopped shaming yourself for the occasional slip up, while you still attempted to move forward in life and in character?

Anything you need to have a little more grace toward in your life?

A Surprising Way to Discover the Secret of Who You Are

There’s a great quote from Frederick Buchner about tears and it goes like this:

Whenever you find tears in your eyes, especially unexpected tears, it is well to pay the closest attention. They are not only telling you something about the secret of who you are, but more often than not God is speaking to you through them of the mystery of where you have come from and is summoning you to where, if you soul is to be saved, you should go next.

Frederick Buchner, Whistling in the Dark

Over the last twenty years of counseling with folks, I’ve heard hundreds of folks proclaim the same thing:

“I’m not a crier.”

Sometimes it’s said with pride, sometimes as a matter of fact, and often, it is an apology. But I never believe it. I take my time, turning over rocks, looking in long forgotten closets, and opening up old suitcases.

Photo Credit: Joe St.Pierre, Creative Commons

Usually, the tears show up.

I love being right.

Enter my eldest son Hunter.

Last weekend, he had his first photography exhibition at the Nashville Art Crawl. His show was titled “The Funeral of Akaki.” The photographs showed Akidi’s family and community gathered for her funeral and burial. Accompanying the photographs were poems he’d written about grief and sorrow.

I listened to folks as they walked through the exhibition.

Some thought it was depressing and headed immediately to the pet photographer in the next booth, which was quite a happy place. But others stood quietly, like they had been to the funeral themselves.

They stared into the weeping eyes of her friends and at the casket deep in the grave. They found a communion and somehow participated in the loss.

There are so many other photographs he could have shown us from his year in Uganda.

I’ve seen them: waterfalls, elephants, sunrises and sunsets, flowers, and laughing children. But he decided to show us loss.

What’s up with that?

I have this little theory. (I have LOTS of little theories!) And the theory is this: I believe that deep down in all of us, there runs this stream of sorrow full of losses, big and small, betrayals, breakups, deaths, and failures.

Admit them or not, they’re there.

And now and then, we see a movie, we hear a song, we witness an event and we find tears forming in our eyes. (This happens even to non-criers.)

When that happens:

Pay attention to the tears.
Follow them to the river.
Grieve profusely.
Be comforted. (“Blessed are those who mourn. For they will be comforted.”)

See, what I’ve learned is that sorrow is actually better than laughter (Ecclesiastes 7:3).

Did you catch that? Better.

So whether you are grieving and the tears are close and frequent, or whether you’re one of those people who “never cries,” pay attention to what your tears (or lack of tears) might be telling you.

They are saying something you need to know.

Who knowing tears, can be content with laughter?

They wear slowly,

a thin hosing of water, that slides

down the exposed surfaces of rocks,

smoothing them, making runnels in the hard stone,

and sometimes, moaning in the reinforcement of storm,

rushing in floods to the swelling rivers,

picking up pebbles and mud, to race them round

and round in suddenly formed deep pools.

Laughing we forget those who cannot laugh,

but weeping we make a communion.

Tears will soak us through to soil,

down into high, silent caves, where sadness

losing all its sharpness is as soft as air,

and we can bathe naked in the still waters,

sharing unashamedly with other naked folk,

the ravages that brought us there.

—John Bate

Social Media, Jealousy and My Personal Rules for Instagram

I’ve never been one to wrestle with a lot of jealousy. 

I understand that sounds like a pretty naive thing to say, but it’s true.

I never had boyfriends cheat on me. I always prefer staying home than being invited to a big party. There’s not much on earth that I truly need that I can’t provide for myself. I usually feel confident with my appearance. 

This past year that changed for me though.

Or for awhile, at least.

In 2015, I was following over 500 people & brands on Instagram; most being people and brands I didn’t know personally. Whenever I’d pop into Instagram, I would scroll endlessly through a feed of perfectly designed and curated photographs of what seemed like other peoples’ normal day-to-day lives.

Photo Credit: Joe St.Pierre, Creative Commons

And subconsciously with every photo, I found myself comparing my life to what was seen in the image. 

Is my house that beautiful?
Do I have a bag that nice?
Will I ever be able to draw like that?
Cook like that?
Look like that?
Live like that?

I made my lifestyle a comparison game with people I had never met and things I didn’t have. What once was a place where I sought inspiration became a soul-sucking hole of discouraging “you’re not enough’s”. 

It took me nearly a year to reach my breaking point and figure out why I was so hard on myself about what my life “looked” like. 

It was then I realized I had to make a change.

I knew I needed more than just a break from Instagram. I had done that before and I found myself, time and time again, in the same spot.

And I didn’t want to delete Instagram, either.

There are so many things I love about the medium. I have used it as a photo journal of sorts for the last few years and have been inspired by so many visual artists I have discovered through it. Not to mention, I now have genuine friends all over the US that I have met through it.

Deleting it entirely just wouldn’t feel right.

My final solution?

To unfollow:

1. Any person I didn’t know

2. Anyone who made me feel worse about myself

3. Any brand who made me want to buy something I didn’t need or made me feel inadequate with what I already have.

It took me hours but I made it through. Following the rules that I made, I had to unfollow a lot of brands that inspired me and a lot of friends whom I love (but whose posts drove me crazy). I even felt guilty about many of the unfollows—like I owed it to some people to stick around.

Like they had “won” me as a follower and now I was obliged to subscribe to their posts for life? What?

There are so many results have positively affected my mental, emotional, and spiritual health after unfollowing those 200+ accounts.

I don’t feel guilty unfollowing people anymore.

I am confident it’s my responsibility to be monitoring what I allow into my mind and to choose to be content.

I’ve suddenly found it unnecessary to have incredibly gorgeous handwriting and a latte every morning. I have discovered I even like those friends who previously drove me crazy online. I’ve found contentment in our tiny apartment and hardly ever feel the need to buy more stuff.

These days, I quickly run out of new content to look at while scrolling through Instagram. Because of this, I’ve ended up spending way less time on my phone—and I am loving it. This change of pace has felt so incredibly refreshing and healthy to this young millennial.

It’s so freeing to have moments when I can remember I’m not missing something when my phone is off or away. It’s so healing to trust that I have the right to love my life right now, right where I’m at. Just the way it looks.

Why “You Can Be Anything You Want to Be” is Bad Advice

“You can be anything you want to be.”

As I’ve had conversations with members of the Millennial generation, this is a phrase that almost all of them have agreed they’ve heard throughout their childhood.

Photo Credit: amanda tipton, Creative Commons

While it sounds so great and inspirational, it’s actually a lie.

Take me for example.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be Michael Jordan. There were three simple steps to accomplishing my goal.

Buy Air Jordans.
Shave my head.
Be 6’6.”

While I did get the height thing down, I didn’t exactly become a baller. That’s not my gift set. You would laugh watching me try out for the NBA. If I would have seriously pursued that dream, I would be lost wondering why life didn’t work out. God had something better in mind for me than I did for me.

The same goes for all of us.

 

We can’t be anything we want to be because we can only be who God made us to be. Our dreams are important, but God’s desires for us are even greater. 

Adopting His vision for our lives sets us free to be who He wants us to be, rather than who we think we should be.  

So how do we discover what we’re supposed to do with our lives?

Replace the lies we’ve been telling ourselves about who we should be by being honest about our obstacles and opportunities. 

Our lies wear us out by pursuing goals that God never meant us to chase. A pipe-dream life. Unreal and unattainable. Both are not us. The lies have to die so you can finally live. I love what author Paulo Coelho encourages us to do when he says:

“Close some doors today. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because they lead you nowhere.”

What doors are open for you? Do they match up with your skill set?

If yes, these are your opportunities. You were created exactly the way you are for a reason and have a great purpose in being here on this planet. God has put something incredible in your grasp.

Reach out and take it. 

How I Learned That Love Can Make You Brave

I love fresh starts. New days, new weeks, new pages on the calendar: you never know what they might bring.

The year ahead is an open road, and it could be going just about anywhere. New directions, new habits, and new ideas could all be on the map.

Photo Credit: Harsha K R, Creative Commons

The only thing is, it can feel kind of scary out here on the road to something new.

What if I try a new thing and end up back in the same old places? What if my new habits don’t stick? What if nobody’s interested in my new project? Stranger things have happened.

But this week, my friend Jess gave me an idea that is helping me to be brave.

She reminded me that God is love. (I knew that.)

Then she reminded me that God, who is love, is always with me. (I knew that too, even if I sometimes act like I’ve forgotten.)

So, she pointed out, if God, who is love, is always with you, then no matter what else is going on, you always have all the love you need.

And love will make you brave, if you let it.

Think about coming home to a family of people who love you.

Think about sitting around the table with friends who care about you, and not only because you brought the breadsticks. Doesn’t it feel easier to go out into the world every day, when you know that love has got your back? Doesn’t that love lend you just a little bit more confidence?

Even if we don’t feel a whole lot of love coming from people around us, even if the things in our lives don’t look especially lovely, even then: we still have love and we still are loved.

When I remember that I’m loved, I feel safe to try things—and to fail. When I know I am loved, my identity and worth aren’t tied to what I do.

Love reminds you that you matter, just as you are.

If I can mess things up and still be loved, well, then I’m free to mess things up, aren’t I? I’m free to take that first step, to launch that new project, to pursue that new idea.

I might make mistakes. I might look foolish. I might be off. I might head in entirely the wrong direction without realizing it! Who knows! But if I have all the love I need even then, well, what’s the worst that happens?

If I succeed, I’m loved the same as I was before.

If I fail, I’m loved the same as I was before.

I can walk into a brick wall, have doors closed in my face, fall on my rear end—and I do, more often than I would really like to talk about—and I will still have all the love I need to carry on. Maybe I will shake my head and laugh at myself first. Or more realistically, I might sit and cry first, but I will be okay. And so will you.

You don’t have to worry and you don’t have to be afraid.

You don’t have to pretend that every new thing will work, or that everything you try will set the world on fire. (Spoiler alert: sometimes things don’t.) You can just take the first step, knowing that whatever happens, at the end of the day, you are loved.

You are loved. And knowing that will set you free.

Why 20% of People Will Never Like You (and That’s Okay)

For years, I’ve used the Pareto Principle as a way of helping me understand life’s complexities.

The Pareto Principle, also known as the 80/20 rule, was proposed by Vilfredo Pareto, an Italian economist who noticed that statistics rarely broke down into even 50/50 dynamics. Instead, they more often broke down into 80/20 categories.

What he proposed is something like this:

About 80% of your health problems are likely being caused by only 20% of what you eat. Or 80% of your companies profit is coming from 20% of its products. Or 80% of your relational frustrations are being caused by 20% of your relationships.

The ramifications of the Pareto Principle are staggering. This means you can likely cut manufacturing on 80% of your products, saving your company millions. Or you can jettison 20% of your relationships and sleep better at night because you have less relational tension.

Photo Credit: wsifrancis, Creative Commons

Or replace only 20% of what you’re eating and enjoy 100% greater health.

It’s an enlightening theory.

I was thinking about this principle for those of us who create, though, and wondered how we could apply it. The main way I thought we could apply it would be to understand that our work isn’t going to please everybody.

Now if you write a bad song, give a bad sermon or write a bad book, you’re likely going to get a lot more than 20% of people panning you. But just know, if you hit it out of the park, there will still be 20% of the population noticing your flaws.

Count on it.

You can create the most beautiful work in the world and 20% of people are not going to like it. Just go to Amazon and read the reviews of Grapes of Wrath. How could anybody not honor that accomplishment? Turns out exactly 20% didn’t think it was a 5-star book, while 80% thought it was great.

For the record, I think it’s great.

What happens with a lot of creators, though, especially perfectionists, is they listen to the 20%. Wired as perfectionists, they feel like they have to completely please everybody. This shuts some creative types down.

They get scared, and then get careful.

And that makes their work worse, not better.

It’s the creators who understand they will not please 20% of the population who then have an amazing epiphany that changes their careers forever. And the epiphany is this: They start creating for the 80% who like their work rather than the 20% who don’t.

The Pareto Principle says it clearly: You aren’t going to convince at least 20% of the population to come with you, no matter what you do. So why try? Why sail a boat into the wind when you could glide across the water at top speed, sailing the other way?

Plus, the 80% already love you.

Serve them. They deserve it!

This doesn’t mean there’s nothing to learn from criticism. It only means some people are just not wired to understand you or your work. That’s fine. Just make sure you keep the 80% inspired, encouraged and entertained. Work as hard as you can to make them happy. Serve them humbly.

The 20% will live on without you.

Why It Pays To Be Brave With Who You Are

You’ve probably heard the saying “money follows value.” It seems to be thrown around a lot in the business world, but I believe it also has a lot of light to shine on the desks of writers and creatives like me.

Photo Credit: Christopher Michel, Creative Commons

I haven’t been able to find the name of the person who first dropped this token of wisdom on the world, but I believe it was someone who honored his or her convictions and ended up wealthy because of it.

We all want to make money.

Not only is money a reward for the work we do, it is an important resource that enables us to live, rest and grow. But I believe there is something we all want even more than money, and that is to influence others on behalf of our personal values and to be valued in return.

Think about it: we choose the people, brands, foods and music we identify with based on how much they reflect our values.

People will pay more money for Apple products than others because Apple values innovation, beauty and creative processes. People pay twice as much for groceries at Whole Foods and farm-to-table restaurants because they value integrity, quality, and health.

Value is how we differentiate between good and great.

Value is the difference between “I’m not interested” and “this matters to me.”

For example, if you want to have a career in writing, you will need an audience. Your audience will listen when they get the sense you have an authentic relationship with your values, and they will stick around if they feel your values are a reflection of their own.

In order to build an audience around your work, you have to be brave about who you are.

You’ll also need to accept the fact that some people will dislike, reject and patronize you because values are personal and sometimes polarizing. I’m not saying the entire spectrum of our beliefs should be reflected in our work, but I do think it’s important that our most beloved values guide and inspire what we contribute to society.

Now you’re probably wondering where the money comes in.

Fair enough. If you want to be fulfilled and great, then the money must come in second. When your values come first, your work, your audience, and your story will be inspiring and ultimately have purpose.

Your work will matter. And when it matters, it’s valuable. And where there is value, there is money. Good, clean money — and often more money than if you’d tried to please everyone, watered down your message, or put your desire for money in the driver’s seat.

Money is made when we are inspired, honest, helpful, healing, passionate, and true to our values as communicators and creatives. If we want to make money, especially the kind that helps us sleep at night, then we must let our values lead us.

What will your work be about?

You’re Not Giving Yourself Enough Credit

Too often, we live our lives rejoicing only in the destination.

We mark the major accomplishments as the milestones that define our lives: a graduation, a new job, a wedding, a move, or overcoming a tragedy.

Photo Credit: amanda tipton, Creative Commons

We look back with fondness on these significant events. As a result, we desperately look forward to the next: the accomplishment of a life goal, a significant desired award, a major life transition, a big promotion, or simply emerging from one of life’s dark valleys triumphant. We surmise that because we found joy in the previous accomplishment, we must find it again in the next.

Unfortunately, life is not lived exclusively in these major destinations.

In reality, we actually spend far more time in the pathways between them. The significant achievements are few, while the journeys between these major destinations are long.

These spaces between destinations are where we prepare ourselves — and are prepared — to accomplish the next goal, to weather the incoming storm, and to choose the next destination carefully. But because we live in a results-oriented world, finding joy in these gaps can be difficult.

Not long ago, my 5-year-old daughter walked into our living room carrying the book Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss. She climbed into my lap, asked if she could read to me, and began opening the front cover. With little hesitation, I agreed. I looked forward to helping her through it.

Little did I know my help would not be needed.

Using the sight words she had learned from her kindergarten teacher and simple steps to get through the tricky words, my daughter successfully navigated every single word in the book. When my daughter closed the book, she looked at me with a huge sense of accomplishment. And when she did, she looked directly into the eyes of the only person smiling bigger than her.

I remember looking at her with a feeling of pride I could never communicate with words. The compliments were genuine and the hug was sweet. My daughter was learning to read. She knew it. I knew it.

And there was great joy to be found in this growth.

Now, just to be clear, I know full-well her journey in becoming a reader is not complete. Being able to sound out every word in a Dr. Seuss book is hardly the culmination of her education. I will still challenge her to reach new heights and seek higher accomplishments.

But, in this specific moment, overwhelming joy was the perfectly accurate response. My daughter had grown in her ability to read over the previous weeks and months. She had worked hard to reach this point. The progress from her starting point deserved to be celebrated. And she understood there was joy to be found in this journey.

Very likely, your life deserves more celebration than you offer it.

Learn to celebrate the progress, not just the accomplishments.

In the end, our lives are not measured by the accomplishments.

They are measured by the little steps and decisions we make every day.

Strive forward to become a better person, a better parent, a better follower of God, and a better contributor to the world around you. Strive for the great accomplishments the world will use to define your life. But don’t be so quick to discount the progress you have already made. Because that is where life is lived. That is where joy is to be found.

Is Your Phone Making Life Easier or More Difficult?

I’ve said it before, but it bares repeating: If you want to get some quality work done, turn off your phone.

Of course, this may not apply to some of you. If you work at a call bank, obviously, or if your job requires you are able to be contacted, then you have to keep it on. But if you do creative work, or if you are able to go two to three hours without a phone, I think you’ll find the time remarkably productive.

Here’s how I structure my phone-free time.

I wake up early.

I’m usually awake by 5 or 6AM. I respond to e-mails and text messages using my phone. I check the news on my phone too. Then, even before people can respond, I shut the phone off. This marks the beginning of my phone-free hours. Because the hours are so early, few people are trying to reach me anyway. Most people don’t start calling till 8AM or even 9AM, after which I’ve already gotten a couple hours work done.

I am very intentional about the phone-free hours.

I go for a walk to start the morning, letting the dog do her business. Then I come back, sit at the desk, and enjoy a few hours knowing it isn’t possible to be interrupted. It’s amazing how much mental clarity is freed up when you are not able to be contacted at all. There’s no question I’ll get more done in the next two hours than I will for the rest of the day. Try it and you will see. My guess is if you stick with it, productivity will go through the roof.

I turn my phone back on.

When my brain is done writing, usually when I’ve got a thousand words or more into the computer, a couple blogs written and I’m getting sloppy, I turn my phone back on. I normally have a couple text messages and a few e-mails and rarely a voicemail. When your phone is off, people tend to find a solution that is smarter than you could have come up with.

I respond to everything immediately.

People have been waiting, so I get it all done at once. This work is normally completed in about ten minutes. No kidding. An entire morning of interruptions that would have derailed my work is taken care of in minutes. I’ve never had anybody dissatisfied with having to wait a couple hours for a clear, focused response.

I leave my phone on for the rest of the day.

I handle calls and text messages as they come in. The rest of the day I deal with side work, stuff like getting a package out, a letter written, or meeting with someone.

Since I’ve adopted the phone off morning, I’ve noticed I am less stressed throughout the day.

In fact, if my morning gets derailed by an interruption, I can’t help but think I didn’t get enough written that morning, and well into the evening, when I am with friends, I am still thinking about how much I have to catch up on the next day.

But now, I am not thinking about work at all. If the writing is done, and if I gave it a focused few hours, I am a much better friend, and I’d even say a better person in general.