Shubnum Khan's Blog, page 12
July 1, 2016
A Moment (from New York)
I am walking in New York.
Somewhere near the Flatiron building. I have my camera with me. I am always walking. Always bewildered. I am always cold. I am always tired.
Always amazed.
I am alone. I know I am alone.
There are buildings around me as I cross the street. Searching for the Empire State Building. My hiking boots hit the pavement. I turn into a park. Take a photo. My eyes shining.
I adjust my bag. Cross the street.
Relive the moment. Breathe it in. Trace its contours in my mind.
Nothing else matters.
Nothing.
Somewhere near the Flatiron building. I have my camera with me. I am always walking. Always bewildered. I am always cold. I am always tired.
Always amazed.
I am alone. I know I am alone.
There are buildings around me as I cross the street. Searching for the Empire State Building. My hiking boots hit the pavement. I turn into a park. Take a photo. My eyes shining.
I adjust my bag. Cross the street.
Relive the moment. Breathe it in. Trace its contours in my mind.
Nothing else matters.
Nothing.
June 12, 2016
Shanghai
Shanghai, 14:01
12 June 2016
The rain in a big city can teach you many things. It is rainy season here now and almost every week it rains. The city shines in this weather, the lights which are already so many, double, triple, there's lights everywhere. In the evening the city is on fire. And the sound. The city sounds full of water. Things are leaking, dripping, the cars on the road run on wet streets. The river too turns full of light and colour, it moves more thickly, alive almost. The boats seem to wobble. The tops of buildings are hidden in clouds.
And I? I stand at my window, watch heaven. Unravel. Turn to water. Fall. Taste the city upon my tongue. I stand at my window. Listen. My heart drumming in my chest. Grateful. Fearful. These past few months in this strange city have unravelled me, turned me to water.
Quiet.
One must listen quietly to all the wonderful things in the world. One must melt like water in a river. Find light at the edges. Move like fear is nothing. Spread out one's arm in dance. Breathe.
12 June 2016
The rain in a big city can teach you many things. It is rainy season here now and almost every week it rains. The city shines in this weather, the lights which are already so many, double, triple, there's lights everywhere. In the evening the city is on fire. And the sound. The city sounds full of water. Things are leaking, dripping, the cars on the road run on wet streets. The river too turns full of light and colour, it moves more thickly, alive almost. The boats seem to wobble. The tops of buildings are hidden in clouds.
And I? I stand at my window, watch heaven. Unravel. Turn to water. Fall. Taste the city upon my tongue. I stand at my window. Listen. My heart drumming in my chest. Grateful. Fearful. These past few months in this strange city have unravelled me, turned me to water.
Quiet.
One must listen quietly to all the wonderful things in the world. One must melt like water in a river. Find light at the edges. Move like fear is nothing. Spread out one's arm in dance. Breathe.
May 30, 2016
A Moment (from the high school assembly)
Once when I was 15, my mother had an asthma attack. She was breathing into a brown paper bag at 2am and the one job I had to do - to give her a gown - I failed at because I gave a her a winter gown and it was summer and it was too hot and she couldn't breathe. Later I heard my father slung her over his shoulder, carried her to the clinic.
All that day in school, I waited to hear something. I wanted to tell my friends but when I tried, they didn't understand.
All that day in school, I waited to hear something. I wanted to tell my friends but when I tried, they didn't understand.
May 28, 2016
A Moment (from our dinner table)
One night, I was 11, we were sitting on the floor eating dinner. And it was the first time we had a male at the table; he wanted to marry my sister. And we, the other three sisters, were giggling all the time, until we had to run to the kitchen and stick our heads in the fridge until we could stop laughing. And my mother passed the khowse formally to my grandfather and my eldest sister was annoyed with us and all I remember about that moment was looking at the others, on the verge of laughter because there was a man at our table who wanted to marry our sister.
May 22, 2016
A moment (from a moment)
She takes his hand. Leans her forehead into the fist. She is shaking. She opens his hand with her face still against it. Let's her face rest in it. In the palm of his hand. Her eyes are closed.
They sit like this for a long time.
They sit like this for a long time.
A moment
She takes his hand. Leans her forehead into the fist. She is shaking. She opens his hand with her face still against it. Let's her face rest in it. In the palm of his hand. Her eyes are closed.
They sit like this for a long time.
They sit like this for a long time.
May 19, 2016
Quote (Poetry)
"ما زلت أؤمن أن الإنسان لا يموت دفعة واحدة و إننا نموت بطريقة الأجزاء؛ كلما رحل صديق مات جزء، و كلما غاردنا حبيب مات جزء، و كلما قتل حلم من أحلامنا مات جزء، فيأتى الموت الأكبر ليجد كل الأجزاء ميتة، فيحملها ويرحل "—جبران خليل جبران
“I still believe that a human being does not die at once, but in a way, we die in pieces; whenever a friend departs, a piece dies, and whenever a lover leaves, a piece dies, and whenever a dream of our dreams is killed, a piece dies, then finally, the greater death arrives, only to see all our pieces long dead, so he picks them up and departs.” – Gibran Khalil Gibran
“I still believe that a human being does not die at once, but in a way, we die in pieces; whenever a friend departs, a piece dies, and whenever a lover leaves, a piece dies, and whenever a dream of our dreams is killed, a piece dies, then finally, the greater death arrives, only to see all our pieces long dead, so he picks them up and departs.” – Gibran Khalil Gibran
May 17, 2016
Home
I miss abbajaan.
Of his 90 years of life, we've spent 30 living together.
Of his 90 years of life, we've spent 30 living together.
May 9, 2016
Quote (Short Story)
'Nearly every morning, a certain woman in our community comes running out of her house with her face white and her overcoat flapping wildly. She cries out, "Emergency, emergency," and one of us runs to her and holds her until her fears are calmed. We know she is making it up; nothing has really happened to her. But we understand, because there is hardly one of us who has not been moved at some point to do just what she has done, and every time, it has taken all our strength, and even the strength of our friends and families too, to quiet us.'
Lydia Davis - Fear
Lydia Davis - Fear
A History of Grief (as told and heard)
1. He tells me that before - for a good few years - he could not talk about her without crying.
2. She tells me that the grief she went through when they divorced, the feeling of the end of everything prepared her for when her father died years later. 'You know life can end, and you know life goes on, and perhaps some pain is just a preparation,' she said.
3. He shows me two messy scars along his arm. One night, whilst drunk and thinking about her, he punched a window, but the glass was reinforced and it snapped, cutting him deep enough to damage the nerve and now he cannot use his hand properly.
4. She tells me she will never speak to him again, even years later, she says, she could never bear to see his face.
5. He tells me that if it were not for the two kids, he wished he would never have to see her, because it reminds him too much of how happy they once were.
6. She tells me that whenever she sees him, accidentally, maybe once or twice a year - in a mall, or at a restaurant - she becomes very angry. But other than that she feels nothing when she thinks of it, she says. Other than that, she's really happy.
7. She tells me once she bumped into him at a shop and he had his baby and she was really happy for him. She was so happy for him, she wanted to cry, she said.
8. I heard he loved her so much that he tied a rope and stepped off a chair. I heard it didn't work and now he lives with the shame of what he once tried to do.
9. I heard he changed too much and that when she left him, he remembered nothing at all about how he intensely he courted her when they were high school sweethearts.
10. I heard that she had him followed. And when she saw what she feared, she walked in on them and laughed. I heard she stayed but it was never the same.
11. She said that yes, her world ended when he got married again - she had to go to hospital because it made her so sick - the thought of sharing him. She had borne him children you know, she said. She had brought him children into the world. She had been his first love and he would always be her only love. But, she said, eventually you realise you have to be strong, that life goes on. It's not to say she doesn't feel bad about it anymore, but she's learnt to live beyond it, she said.
12. He told me that he misses her, that he's not sure what he did wrong but he wished it could have lasted longer than it did.
2. She tells me that the grief she went through when they divorced, the feeling of the end of everything prepared her for when her father died years later. 'You know life can end, and you know life goes on, and perhaps some pain is just a preparation,' she said.
3. He shows me two messy scars along his arm. One night, whilst drunk and thinking about her, he punched a window, but the glass was reinforced and it snapped, cutting him deep enough to damage the nerve and now he cannot use his hand properly.
4. She tells me she will never speak to him again, even years later, she says, she could never bear to see his face.
5. He tells me that if it were not for the two kids, he wished he would never have to see her, because it reminds him too much of how happy they once were.
6. She tells me that whenever she sees him, accidentally, maybe once or twice a year - in a mall, or at a restaurant - she becomes very angry. But other than that she feels nothing when she thinks of it, she says. Other than that, she's really happy.
7. She tells me once she bumped into him at a shop and he had his baby and she was really happy for him. She was so happy for him, she wanted to cry, she said.
8. I heard he loved her so much that he tied a rope and stepped off a chair. I heard it didn't work and now he lives with the shame of what he once tried to do.
9. I heard he changed too much and that when she left him, he remembered nothing at all about how he intensely he courted her when they were high school sweethearts.
10. I heard that she had him followed. And when she saw what she feared, she walked in on them and laughed. I heard she stayed but it was never the same.
11. She said that yes, her world ended when he got married again - she had to go to hospital because it made her so sick - the thought of sharing him. She had borne him children you know, she said. She had brought him children into the world. She had been his first love and he would always be her only love. But, she said, eventually you realise you have to be strong, that life goes on. It's not to say she doesn't feel bad about it anymore, but she's learnt to live beyond it, she said.
12. He told me that he misses her, that he's not sure what he did wrong but he wished it could have lasted longer than it did.
