Kristopher McClanahan's Blog, page 2

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We are still alive here at Reviews Of Unusual Size... just getting caught up with life. :)

Food Review - Jolly Time Corn On The Cob Popcorn

CORN ON THE COB
Popcorn
by Jolly Time 3oz, $1  
Re: A pre-popped, bagged popcorn that tastes like corn on the cob, with sweet cream buttery flavor, salt and pepper.
  Outstanding: Jolly Time makes some pretty great microwave popcorn. It was a buck.
  Unacceptable: The entire bag is permeated with this cloud of artificial flavor enhancement and chemicals. The fresh corn flavor is super fake and it's over-sweet and salty. Obviously air-popped and slathered with mass chemical laden flavorings.
  Summary: Terrible. The flavor is big, but extremely fake and tastes more like preservatives and enhancers than deliciousness and the super bland air popped white kernels may as well be styrofoam.
  1/5

Film Review - Movie 43

Movie 43 Re: A jumble of big name actors embarrass themselves to add decks to their summer houses.
  Outstanding: I actually thought the Chloe Moretz sketch was pretty funny, the reactions of the boys/men to a girl's problem was pretty spot on. I chucked a couple of other times, mostly due to initial surprise or cussing leprechauns. The actors, of which there are many good ones, totally committed to their roles.
  Unacceptable: Like every sketch show ever, nearly all of the skits went on too long and relied too much on gross out comedy. And bad writing. 
  Summary: Not worth watching again in any real way shape or form. Ugh.
  1/5

Film Review - Looper

LOOPERDirected By Rian Johnson
Starring Bruce Willis, Joseph Gordon LevittInformation  
Re: In the distant future, time travel exists. However, it is a closely guarded secret of the crime syndicate, which uses it exclusively to eliminate bodies. They send the person to be whacked back to the less distant future where men called Loopers kill and dispose of the bodies. When a Looper is to be retired, the crime syndicate sends back the future version of the Looper to be killed by his younger self. He then gets a big payday and retires. Unless the Looper sees that it's his older self and hesitates long enough for the old version to escape and attempt to kill the leader of the syndicate as a child.... Ahh Sci-Fi - where the explanation of the plot is half of the fun.
  Outstanding: Really beautifully realized future world with a combination of current and futuristic tech. Some effective music. Great performances from the entire cast.
  Unacceptable: The story, when you break down the basics is ludicrous. JGL's prosthetics and the oversized future anime guns are both a bit goofy.
  Summary: Some great sci-fi action here! I really enjoyed virtually every aspect of this flick from the daffy idea held down by great performances to the casual way future tech is allowed to slip in at unexpected times. I'd never noticed how much Joseph Levitt and Bruce Willis sounded alike until the voiceover here. LOOPER is very highly recommended!
  5/5

Film Review - Ender's Game

ENDER'S GAMEDirected by Gavin Hood
Starring Harrison Ford, Asa Butterfield2013, [PG-13] Sci-Fi  
Re: A young boy is recruited to be a young soldier, training to enter the battle against a space menace called The Buggers.
  Outstanding: Great special effects. The designers found the right balance between alien and realistic and there were some subtle touches I really liked. Asa Butterfield was really great in this. Intense and smart yet small and vulnerable.
  Unacceptable: Technically speaking, there wasn't anything to complain about. The acting was strong and the story followed the book well. Coupled with the special effects it should have been a great flick.
  Summary: However, there was never really the sense of overwhelming responsibility I'd always gotten from the novel. It had always had a mix of duty and kids playing games and this movie never quite pulled off either of those. Overall, while watchable, I don't think Ender's Game ever gelled the way it could have.
  3/5

Arachno-Thon Film Review - Big Ass Spider

 BIG-ASS SPIDER
Type of Infestation:
One spider, Lameodectus Badcgi.


Spider Origins:
Black Widow infused with alien DNA, apparently.

Location:
Los Angeles, CA - Crap Town, USA

Our Heroes:
Greg Grunberg as Alex Mathis, hapless pest control
Lombardo Boyar as Jose, racial stereotype with good comic timing

Most Effective Weapons Against The Horde:
Bullets, bad scriptwriting, bad CGI


Best Part:
All of the movie that happens before the very opening scene.


Gratuitous Moments:
It's a three way tie between the beach volleyball girls, the big boobed tower victim and the Lloyd Kaufman cameo.

Itsy-Bitsy-Spider
No appearance, though La Cucaracha is played.


A bad CG fest, ruined by over the top action, military nonsense and some truly terrible graphics. A couple of funny jokes and I always like Grunberg and Ray Wise, but this was almost unwatchably bad. I don't understand why people think bringing in thousands of bullets and military action will improve their movie. Especially when so much of the time is spent watching a character watch a rendering of another character moving on a TV screen. Ugh.

1/5

Arachno-Thon Film Review - Eight Legged Freaks

EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS
Type of Infestation:
Hundreds of creepy, crawlie, spiders of assorted species, ranging in size from that of a large dog to the size of a car.

Spider Origins:
Toxic waste infused crickets, fed to the cast of a spider zoo.

Location:
Prosperity, AZ - Small, town USA, in a depression due to the mine petering out.

Our Heroes:
Kari Wuhrer as Sheriff Samantha Parker - Pneumatic small town law enforcement
David Arquette as Chris McCormick - Son of the mine owner and panicker.

Most Effective Weapons Against The Horde:
Guns, explosions, hit & run.


Best Part:
Some of the vibe as the spiders overrun the town is nice.
 

Gratuitous Moments:
Not much, Scarlett Johansson, who plays the sheriff's equally pneumatic daughter in a bit of truly inspired casting is attacked while wearing the worlds largest and fluffiest bath towel.

Itsy-Bitsy-Spider
Instrumental played while large tarantula rumbles past, closing credits song.
 
More of a big monster movie, Eight Legged Freaks is pretty darned fun. I had forgotten how much of a Gremlins meets Tremors feel it had.

4/5

ARACHNO-THON - Film Review - Arachnophobia

ARACHNOPHOBIAType of Infestation:
Hundreds of creepy, crawlie, highly poisonous spiders of slightly larger than average size.

Spider Origins:
New species found in Venezuela, bred with common American spider.

Location:
Canaima, CA - Small, town USA

Our Heroes:
Jeff Daniels as Dr. Ross Jennings, hapless new doctor in town
John Goodman as Delbert McClintock - Pest wrangler.

Most Effective Weapons Against The Horde:
Nail gun, fire, John Goodman's heft.

Best Part:
The opening scene, in Venezuela. I'm a sucker for openings that take place in the jungle. 

Gratuitous Moments:
The shower scene with Becky, daughter of the town football coach. Eight-legged cleavage.

Itsy-Bitsy-Spider
Sung under his breath by Jeff Bridges as he hunts for the nest in the wine cellar 

Arachnophobia is a classic flick. Lots of humor, good actors hamming it up and there's something subtly nasty about normal sized spiders as the villains. It can only get bigger from here....

4/5

Film Review - Halloween II 2009

Things I Learned While WatchingHALLOWEEN II (2009)
 1 - The main character can be a completely self absorbed, weak, screams-all-the-time victim, as long as she has a messed up back story.

2 - It also helps if her voice sounds exactly like the writer-director's wife's.

3 - And her hair too.

4 - Brad Dourif is awesome as a comedic small town sheriff.

5 - The rooms in Laurie Strode's asylum seem unreasonably long. A waste of good crazy person storage.

6 - It is WAY less scary when the previously mute villain starts grunting and roaring while he kills things in the sequel.

7 - Apparently Rob Zombie also thinks a large grunting, bearded hobo that chokes people is more frightening than a tall, mute masked man with a knife.

8 - It isn't.

9 - Also, have you ever tried wearing a mask like that over the top of three foot long hair and an impressively bushy beard? It's impossible. Michael Meyers would have a George Lucas sized neck wattle going on.

10 - I had really hoped the diminutive werewolf that drove a van would be Seth Green. But it wasn't.

1/5

Film Review - Halloween 2007

Things I Learned While WatchingHALLOWEEN (2007)  1 - By spending the first hour of a film humanizing and explaining why the killer does the things he does, you make him more terrible and less scary.2 - After killing most of your family, take time to carefully uproot a number of hardwood floorboards, stash your vinyl mask and knife, then meticulously replace them so no one notices for 15 years.3 - In order to give your mask that cool, cracked, aged look, stash in floor for fifteen years. When removed, it will have a artfully scary appearance.4 - In Rob Zombie's head everyone cusses. A LOT. And makes constant references to sex. 5 - And they swear a lot. 6 - The only black character has the best name.7 - Apparently, in fifteen years' time, the only thing that will have changed is Malcolm McDowell's hairstyle.8 - Using the classic score on a remake makes it better.9 - Recreating key scenes but not everything while staying pretty close isn't too bad either.10 - Never entrust an insane asylum to Udo Kier and Clint Howard. Even if Danny Trejo is your guard.3/5