Maranda Russell's Blog, page 83

2 New Art Trading Cards, Mixed Media Collages

Here are two new, mixed media collage art trading cards. Both are for sale on my Ebay store page if anyone is interested

Short but Bittersweet

[image error]

The people,

the memories

they sting.

The trust,

the heartbreak

I’ll bring.

The love,

the loss

lay inside.

The hope,

the fear

they collide.

~Maranda Russell

Identity Crisis

[image error]

Lately I’ve been feeling a little bit of an identity crisis. Mainly because I have two conditions (Aspergers and Bipolar Type 2) that color my world, outlook, and personality so much that it leaves me wondering what is left that is actually me if you took those two conditions away? Who actually is Maranda Russell without the neurological disorder and the mood disorder? I like to think that the heart of me is just me and not caused by some condition outside of my control, but I’m not sure if that is true. After all, the creativity, intelligence, thoughtfulness, child-like innocence, and sensitivity I am often known for and complimented on could all be well known traits from the Aspergers and Bipolar. So who am I beneath all that? I really don’t know.

Top 10 Places I’d Visit on My Bucket List

[image error]

Do you have a bucket list of places you would like to visit before you die? I do! Here are the top 10 places I would like to visit:

Ireland
Stonehenge (UK)
Loch Ness Monster’s Home (Scotland)
Somewhere I can go whale watching
Romania
Emily Dickinson’s Home (Amherst, MA)
Salem, MA
Italy/Greece
Munch Museum (Oslo, Norway)
Roswell, NM

If you would also like to visit any of these places or have ones you would like to share, please comment below!

Bipolar and Medicine Problems

[image error]

It seems that there is this stereotype about Bipolar patients not wanting to take their medicine or stopping medicine without consulting a doctor. However, like most stereotypes, perhaps there is some truth to it. I personally have Bipolar type 2 and often find myself wondering, “Do I really need these medications?” or “Are these medications actually helping or hurting me?”. Why do I wonder this? Mostly due to negative side effects. I can’t help but wonder sometimes if the cure isn’t worse than the disease at times. Weight gain, acne, digestive problems, being pushed further into depression or hypomania, anxiety, jitters, uncontrollable muscle spasms, irritability, crying spells, etc. Sometimes I really do wonder if I wasn’t better off before.

And about consulting a doctor before stopping meds, in my case at least, my psychiatrist is only able to see patients once every few months due to the shortage of psychiatrists in the area. He is EXTREMELY busy. It is unlikely I will hear from him in the interim, even if I have a question. Of course I can speak to his office staff, but that isn’t the same as actually speaking to a doctor. And even if I were to call and tell the office staff I wanted to stop taking the medicine, likely they would just request I wait until my next appointment, which may be months away. If the medicine is truly causing side effects I can’t stand or making me feel worse, why would I want to endure that for months before making a change?

I am not writing this post to encourage anyone to go off their meds or anything like that. I believe strongly in listening to medical advice, but I wanted to explain to those who are outside of the Bipolar loop why this can often become a legitimate issue. And no, right now I am not stopping my own meds, but I have been tempted many times, which makes me sympathetic to those who have.

Some New Art Trading Cards!

I’m still on a bit of a sticker collage kick with my art, as you’ll soon see. I’ve always loved the fun, child-like aspect of stickers, so I enjoy finding ways to include them in my art trading cards, especially when I get the chance to feature favorite characters or cherished subjects (like fairy tales). If you like any of these ACEO trading cards, feel free to check out my Ebay store to see what I’m currently selling (most of these new ones I’ll be posting for sale tomorrow)!

[image error]

[image error]

[image error]

[image error]

[image error]

 

Desperate Loneliness

[image error]

I feel so desperately lonely sometimes, and at those times it feels like I am not only experiencing my own personal loneliness, but the loneliness of humanity in general. During those times I mourn how disconnected we have all become, and I consider how alone each of us really is in our own thoughts and emotions. No matter how deeply we want to relate to one another, there is a shallowness that is unavoidable due to separation and individuality.

Maybe I am overthinking things or ruminating far too much, but sometimes I despair of existence and wish I could truly bridge the chasm between my own mind and heart and another’s.

Only the Good Die Young?

[image error]

Only the good die young

or so they say,

but what about those

who self-destruct?

~ Maranda Russell

Hypomanic Writing

[image error]

I wrote the following while I was pretty hypomanic. Thought I would share more as a glimpse into my life and hopefully educational about bipolar 2:

I AM bipolar, I’m officially crazy. I can’t seem to control myself, but on the medicine I feel SO much better, who cares if I’m hypomanic? Not sure I wanna tell the doctor the truth. Thank God I have my husband to keep me in check. I AM perpetuating the cycle. Thank God I never had kids. My muscles twitch and I can’t control them. I feel like I have Parkinson’s, but I’m good with that. I am stressed the fuck out, but I don’t care. I don’t want to sleep, but I have a magic bullet called Seroquel. I just worry I’ll get fat, but how fat can I get when I can’t sit still? Every dance in creation I think I’ve done today, even if it was spazzy. Some might look at me and say I’m a danger. I look at me and say I’m alive.

That Kind of Girl

[image error]

I’m the kind of girl

who is content to sit

on a dirty street curb,

eating chocolate

covered cherries

and pretending to smoke

while everyone else

prepares for work.

I’m the kind of girl

who will throw on

an old Pac-Man t-shirt,

leave without brushing

her hair and then

run full blast

through the neighbor’s

sprinklers.

I’m the kind of girl

who eavesdrops

on conversations,

corrects people

in her mind

and then laughs at

the absurdity of

human beings.

And lastly…

I’m the kind of girl

who doesn’t like

labels, taking

orders or being

stereotyped

as “that kind

of girl”.

~ Maranda Russell