Maranda Russell's Blog, page 70

PO Box Opening Fun! Cute Sloths, Favorite Anime Series, and New Books!

I recently received a wonderful assortment of goodies from a friend and blog reader named Brian via my PO Box! Most of the time when I receive mail via my PO Box it is either books or products that companies or authors would like me to consider reviewing, but once in a while I do get something just for fun and that is always awesome!

The first item in the box I received was this adorable Easter sloth dressed up in bunny ears! Isn’t he the most adorable thing? I love sloths in general, and Brian knew that since we had exchanged cute sloth videos on Facebook in the past.

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The second gift in the box was this awesome Death Note anime dvd set! It has the complete series, which is awesome since Death Note is my favorite anime series of all time (which is saying something since there are a number of other anime series I love as well)!

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Lastly, since he knows I love books, Brian sent me a cool Batman graphic novel and an art book. The graphic novel is called Hong Kong and starts out with a weird murder plot involving a snake which drew me into the story right away. The art book is called The World of Rubens 1577-1640 and is a compendium of works by the artist Peter Paul Rubens. I was familiar with some of Rubens’ work, but this visual guide definitely widened the scope of his work for me.

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I want to give a big “thank you” to Brian for sending all this neat stuff! I’ve really enjoyed it so far! If anyone else ever wants to send anything via PO Box for me to consider sharing on my blog (or to enjoy privately), here is the address:

Maranda Russell

PO Box 14

Englewood, OH 45322

I am always happy to feature children’s books, toys, candy, cute stuff, and anything related to subjects I blog about frequently, such as mental illness, autism, chronic pain conditions, etc.

Good Therapy Session Update, and Books for Emotional Healing

I had a really good therapy session today. We talked more about the symptoms I am currently experiencing which might be related to a mood disorder vs what might be related to PTSD and my past. On the mood disorder (or Bipolar) front, I think I have made some progress, especially when it comes to sleeping and making hasty decisions I later regret during hypomanic phases. Unfortunately, not much seems to help the depression side of it, whether it be cognitive therapy techniques or medicine.

As I told my therapist today, I feel like my personal “normal” emotional state starts at -1 (mildly to moderately depressed), so I only really have down to go from there if the depression worsens, which it often does. According to my mood charting so far, I have about the same number of mildly to moderately depressed days as I have moderately to severely depressed days. And then I have a day here or there where it goes even lower and those are the dangerously depressed days. It actually makes me feel a little better though to know some of it is probably the mood disorder and not just me “refusing to get well”, which I have sometimes accused myself of in the past. After all, if I really WANT to be well, why aren’t I yet? That is the way I used to think about it, but with a mood disorder it doesn’t work that way.

We also talked about the affirmations I have been doing, which I have actually been doing a good job of keeping up with! I even do some mirror work (where you say positive affirmations to yourself while looking into your eyes in the mirror). It really does help! Below I have attached a photo of two inspirational books I am currently reading regarding affirmations:

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The first, “The Body Heals Itself” by Emily A. Francis is a fascinating look at the emotional connection to our muscular system and chronic pain conditions. I know for sure that my physical problems DEFINITELY flare up when emotional issues surface, so there is no doubt a strong mind-body connection. The book includes research, affirmations, stretches, and other practical modalities to try for relief, each separated into specific sections about each body part. I am most interested in the back pain and foot pain sections myself, as I suffer greatly from chronic back pain and plantar fasciitis.

The second book is Jack Canfield’s “Success Affirmations”, which I haven’t been as impressed with, but am giving a chance. For me the affirmations in this book are a bit too long and drawn out. I tend to like simple and to-the-point things better overall.

Fun Visit to the COSI Science Museum

Today my husband and I visited the COSI Science Museum in Columbus, Ohio. It is only about an hour from where we live and I had been wanting to check it out. We had a lot of fun there today, and my husband even got free admission for being a teacher! Here are a few of my favorite photos of the day:

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They had a large dinosaur exhibit, which is always really cool. I like to see how big these animals really were! I liked some of the mock displays they had of prehistoric wildlife as well, especially this cute one of dinosaur babies:

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My other favorite exhibit was the Oceans one. The best parts of it were some cool cave-like tunnels that led into a huge Poseidon water fountain which was impressive. Here is a pic of me casually leaning on the world in front of the fountain (which I did throw a penny into while making a very special wish):

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Before leaving, we also saw a cool 3-D movie called “Amazon Adventure”, which was based on the true story of Henry Bates, who was an explorer in the 1850’s who helped provide proof for Charles Darwin’s theories of species changing over time due to evolutionary processes:

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Toys R Us and Thrift Store Toy & Doll Shopping Haul

Another post for you today! My husband took me out to do a bit of shopping therapy to try to help get me out of my depressed funk. The weather outside is absolutely abysmal (constant rain and gloom), but I still had fun!

We went to Toys R Us, which is already marking everything down for the store closing. I am terribly sad to see Toys R Us go, and hope that somehow they are able to make a comeback at some point. There are so few toy stores around anymore! Here is what I found today there:

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The “Bee Happy” baby outfit was 20% off and is Newborn size, so it should fit my reborn doll. If not, I’m sure it will fit some of my stuffed animals. I just thought the bee motif was too cute to pass up. I also picked up the Despicable Me unicorn mealtime set that I have wanted for a while. I love the unicorn from the movie, and I actually use these types of plastic cartoon cups, bowls, and plates myself more than I use regular dishware.

After Toys R Us, we did a little thrifting. I got a fun Playpad activity book (these are fun to do while I’m watching YouTube vids), some new pencils, and a couple more newborn size outfits for my doll. The green outfit has a cute orange whale on it and I also found a cute pair of brand new monkey booties.

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Losing Blog Followers and Self-Doubt

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It is hard for me to be emotionally vulnerable about things that hurt my feelings or make me feel worthless, but my #1 goal with this blog is total honesty, so I’m going to share what I’m struggling with right now.

Yesterday I lost at least 5 blog followers. I gained 2 I believe, so the net loss was only 3 followers, but it still made me feel really bad. I couldn’t help but wonder if it was what I posted yesterday. Maybe it came across as too negative and whiny? I didn’t mean for it to, I was just trying to express my feelings at the moment. Sometimes maybe I can come across as a little too dramatic, but I believe that is part of the mood swings aspect of bipolar. I feel things so strongly and emotions can wildly dip and rise so quickly that it is hard to find a good sense of balance emotionally.

Of course, I tell myself that the unfollows might have nothing to do with yesterday’s post, but then that leads me to think I just must be generally boring and annoying to others. I know that is probably just my lousy self-esteem talking, but it is a genuine feeling none-the-less.

I’m not sharing this in hopes of obtaining pity or sympathy, but more to just show the inner workings of my mind and how little things can affect me so much more than they should. Does anyone else relate to this? Are there any other bloggers out there that feel really bad when they lose a few followers all at once?

Slump Me Over and Leave Me to Die

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This image from Pixabay pretty much illustrates exactly how I feel today. Just slump me over and leave me to die. I’m not sure which is worse today, my depression or my exhaustion…but I suppose they are best buds anyhow and pretty damn hard to separate.

Doctor Visit and Bipolar Mood Swings

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Today has been busy, although not all that fun. I had an appointment with my doctor today (my primary provider). I found out I have another ear infection, so I’m on yet another course of antibiotics. I think this is my third or fourth round since the new year started. So tired of this cycle.

We also talked a bit about my eating habits and how they might be negatively affecting my health. I really am working on changing that now, although after a few days of eating actual meals three times a day, my digestive issues have actually gotten worse. Last night was pretty bad as far as IBS symptoms go. I wonder if my body is wondering what the heck I am doing to it because it isn’t used to this, it is used to lots of sugar and little actual nutrition.

My mental state is ok today, but kind of blah. I’ve been on an emotional downswing a few days now and hope I don’t end up hitting the extreme lows. Right now I’m kind of in the moderate range, where I’m depressed enough that I don’t really want to do anything, but not so depressed that I’m crying all the time and having truly self destructive thoughts. In this mood, I have an apathetic “f- the world” kind of attitude. It is almost freeing in some sense to feel like you don’t care about anything, but it isn’t a good state of mind overall.

Crashing Mentally and Physically

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Today I am exhausted and not feeling well mentally or physically, but there are some things I HAVE to do that will keep me from laying in bed all day, which is what I would really rather be doing. I have to go get my allergy shots, which I have to do every single Monday for at least a year or two. Having allergies this bad sucks

Baby Doll, Toy, and Book Thrift Store Shopping Haul

This weekend I did some thrift store shopping! I found a few cute outfits for my new reborn doll (whom I decided to name Amelia after a character in a YA book I read recently called “A Tragic Kind of Wonderful”). For about six bucks I got these three outfits for her:

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I also found this cute preemie 3-piece giraffe and elephant set for only $5:

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Lastly, we went to a new bargain used bookstore, which sells bundles of children’s books (around 10 books for $5). Part of the fun of buying the bundle is that you can’t really see what all you get until after you buy it, so it is somewhat of a surprise when you open the package and see what all books you got:

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Of the books I got in this bundle, my favorites are the “Spooky Friends”, “Cinderella” (from the live action movie version), Elmo’s World, and the “Penguin Skating Party” ones. I also picked up the cute cloth alphabet blocks you see to the right of the books in the photo for only $.99 at the thrift store where I got the baby clothes.

Eating Disorders: My Experiences

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I’ve been watching some intervention episodes and other documentaries about eating disorders recently. I have never been officially diagnosed with an eating disorder of any kind, and am not sure I would consider myself an actual bulimic or anorexic, although I have had destructive behaviors related to both illnesses in the past.

Growing up, my mother and sister were overweight, and I saw what they went through being “fat”. The self-loathing, the cruel mockery from others, the way they would pick on people who were even larger than themselves in an effort to make themselves feel better. From a young age I learned that “fat” was a very bad thing to be. Maybe the “worst” thing you could be in many people’s eyes.

Around the age of 12, right after my dad died, I started putting on weight too. At first I think it was mainly just puberty, but the grief and loss of my father also made me turn to food for comfort. My mother and sister worked all the time after my dad died, so I spent most of my time at home all alone. The loneliness and heartbreak I felt soon turned me into a chubby little girl. I started getting bullied at school for my weight and went from being a confident, athletic, competitive kid to being someone who wished they could just disappear.

When I was around 15, I started working for the first time myself, and the increased physical activity and less time spent lonely and eating soon had me losing weight. I liked what I was seeing and started using little “tricks” to help myself lose more weight. Restricting what I was allowed to eat. Using laxatives if I overate. Trying pills that promised to rev up your metabolism, even if they made me more jittery and anxious.

Over the years, I have had periods of time where I fell into unhealthy habits with eating. Times where I binged and then tried to starve myself. Times where I tried to not eat and lived on water or Diet Coke (one of these periods led to my first visit to a doctor for depression). Obsessions with exercise. Endless calorie counting. Times where I saw the scale falling rapidly due to medicine side effects or a health problem and secretly rejoiced at the thinning. Using medicines that I may not actually need because they help me stay thin. Fearing the use of other medicines I may need because they cause weight gain.

As of right now, I am not actively involved in all of these behaviors on a regular basis, although I am certainly not above them and am still tempted. I do still rely on “stimulants” sometimes that I know probably aren’t good on my heart and health. Pseudoephedrine (a close relative of the diet drug Ephedra) is a big one for me, which is easy to excuse since I do have allergy and sinus issues, but I know I probably overuse it. The last time I was in the hospital, they said I tested positive for Methamphetamines, which was likely the Pseudoephedrine, since I don’t touch any illegal drugs.

I also tend to still play mind games with myself when it comes to food. I have a huge sweet tooth and I’ll tell myself, “Sure, you can have the cupcake/brownie/doughnut/cake/etc, but then you can’t have any lunch or dinner.” In my mind I justify this by saying the junk food is about the same amount of calories as a healthy lunch or dinner, so it is ok to trade them out, but I can’t help but wonder if this may be why I am often deficient in certain minerals and nutrients in blood tests.

This is the first time I’ve publicly shared these things, but I feel like it is something I want to get off my chest and be honest about.