Ruby Barnes's Blog, page 7

Psycho Killer, Qu'est Que C'est? The Baptist on sale today!

My psychological thriller The Baptist is getting an outing on KINDLE BOOKS AND TIPS today. Sale price 99c / 77p for a couple of days only.

  If you're having problems with the link then copy and paste this into your browser:
http://www.fkbooksandtips.com/2013/12/12/free-discounted-kindle-book-offers-67/
KB&T is a great platform for readers and authors alike. It gives authors a cost-effective way to reach readers and it gives readers free and discount books that have been quality assured with Amazon Verified Purchase reviews, professional content and great covers. Rub by Michael Gallagher, great guy!

WTF? The Baptist Profane Twelve Days of Christmas!

It's time to wheel out John Baptist's favourite turns of phrase again. (Seriously, if you are offended by profanity then stop here.)



A couple of winters ago I emailed a copy of The Baptist to a friend's work as a pdf attachment. That email was intercepted and she received an automatically generated message from her employer's Mail Sweeper programme.

This e-mail has been stopped in Profane Messages. 

A report was attached to the message with the MIMEsweeper Analysis results. The report was studied by all and sundry tea-break and the content engendered a lot of discussion. Irish tea-breaks are an occasion for great craic. The consensus was The Baptist contained a lot of action but not enough components to perform it. They discussed the parts of speech.

The report results are below and I have to say that, while I didn't intend to write a profane novel, I can remember exactly each and every page where the offending words occur.

The phrase 'arse' was found at location 70126
and so on. I'll just share the count.
arse x 1
balls x 2
bang x 3
bastard x 12 (a dozen, one of them capitalised therefore a pronoun?)
bitch x 6 (half dozen, imperial measure)
bloody x 8 (quaint that bloody should be a profanity in this day and age, and might actually have described murder weapon)
blow job x 1 (shouldn't I have hyphenated the blow-job? That's what I've been doing wrong)
bollocks x 1 (shouldn't there be at least two of those fellas?)
crap x 2 (okay, in UK and Ireland it's an expletive)
cunt x 3 (I do apologise, it's a very vulgar word but, in my defence, it was, or rather they were, components of dialogue. Vulgar dialogue. Not uncommon in Ireland.)
fag x 5 (means cigarette in UK and Ireland and that was the intention)
fuck x 10 (no argument there and good to see it's gone decimal)
fucker x 4 (nice alliteration and I'm getting an idea for a Christmas song now)
fucking x 21 (more than a score - in fairness, there is a lot of that going on)
penis x 1 (poor little lad, all on his own, but just goes to show it takes only one)
prick x 3 (oh, right ... well)
queer x 1 (surely acceptable as an adjective?)
sex x 7 (the vanilla variety is profane?)
sexy x 2 (sexy too)
shirt-lifter x 1 (at least it's hyphenated, if homophobic, but anyhow it's dialogue)
shit x 11 (one short of the dozen)
shite x 1 (the Irish for above)
slut x 1 (so few?)
wanker x 1 (there's always one)
white trash x 2 (confused, is that profane?).

Right, Christmas is on the horizon. So, in the spirit of the season, I offer:

The Baptist Profane Twelve Days of Christmas

(I'll just go to straight to the last verse)

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Twelve bastards bragging
Eleven shits a fan-hitting
Ten fucks a flying
Nine fucking expletives (cheated, there wasn't nine of anything)
Eight bloody bus stops
Seven sex in the opens
Six bitches barking
Five ... fags ... a ... puffing!
Four fighting fuckers
Three quiet cunts
Two dangly balls
And a slut arse-wanker penis blow-job bollocks.

(That leaves a spare queer sexy shirt-lifter shite white trash, sounds like one of my characters.)

I'm sure we'll be hearing that little ditty on the radio.

All in the name of literary art, my dears.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Plus my publisher is running a free Christmas draw for a Kindle Paperwhite plus leather cover here - go enter!

Beats you down and builds you back up #bookreview

Ruby reviews Once Were Warriors by Alan Duff

Here's another case of the contrary reader. Mrs R's book club chose Once Were Warriors as their book of the month and, despite it being only 198 pages, Mrs R baulked at the serious-looking cover and hesitated to get stuck in. So, rising to the unspoken challenge, I grabbed the paperback and ran off to my kennel with it, growling whenever anyone came near.

This isn't a new release - it was first published in New Zealand in 1990 and was made into a film, apparently - but was a huge hit at the time. I didn't research the author's background, like I usually do. I just ran headlong into the story. Looking back at the acknowledgements in the front of the book, the author thanks his editor, Richard King, for agreeing to forgo the conventions. He sure did that.

The narrative style is like a stream of consciousness, from varying viewpoints and delivered third person. That editorial flexibility allows extensive use of slang, profanity and grammatical deviations. This is deep third person, a voice that put the reader on the shoulder of the alternate narrators without having to live inside their heads. And that's a good thing because being on the shoulders of Jake, Beth, Grace and Nig Heke is something that can be difficult to bear at times. No criticism of the writing there, just a nod to the gravity of the story.

Over a quarter of a century has passed since Alan Duff first wrote Once Were Warriors but the curses of the human condition are as real today as they were then, perhaps more so. Duff describes a long-term unemployed, geographically isolated, poorly educated, disenfranchised, underprivileged and alcohol addicted underclass in New Zealand. A once proud warrior race whose sense of identity has faded to become characterized by such icons as rugby players and an opera singer. Unless you've lived a life of complete privilege (as do the Traumbert family in this book), you will recognize the elements of despair: low self-esteem from poor education and exploited minimum wage labour, frustrations taken out on friends, family and acquaintances; job insecurity perpetuated by alcohol-fueled absenteeism; escape offered by substance abuse; bread-line poverty that spirals down into inescapable debt; gang culture that respects mindless violence and destroys family life. Now you really want to read it!

This short novel is an irresistible train wreck of a story. The author speaks from personal experience, being half Maori and half Pakeha. There is a glimmer of hope. Read Once Were Warriors, recognise the frailties of the human race, thank your lucky stars for what you have and see the positive in everyone. I'm not going to describe the plot but all I will say is I don't think Jake did it. It was Dooly.

If you've enjoyed this review then follow Ruby on Twitter and Goodreads and sign up to Ruby's News for a free e-book .

If They Haven't Heard It, Have You Said It?

 
My guest post for this month on Authors Electric deals with Triberr - a great free and effective way to generate traffic for your blog, quality content for your twitter and generally boost your social media platform. Head on over and have a read , but while you're here why not sign up to Ruby's News and select one of my crime fiction / thrillers for free as a welcome gift!

Serial Killer Makeover for The Baptist

John Baptist has been successfully killing his victims for the past 18 months and earned a shiny makeover. This is a story of religious mania, lunatic asylums, murder by drowning and insanity. Which of the four covers A - D above do you think best reflects the following blurb? Please leave a comment to be in with a chance of winning a paperback copy, delivered to your neck of the woods.

Here's the blurb:

The teenage John Baptist murdered his brother. Their parents couldn't get over the loss of two sons - one drowned in a bubble bath and the other put away in a secure mental institution - so took their own lives. But John had no regrets - his brother was evil and had to die. Electrotherapy wiped John's memory and he was cured.

Twenty years later, John has become a respectable, slightly overweight and balding pillar of society with a wife and young family. Then he starts to remember...

The Baptist is a psychological thriller that follows the psychotic adventures of John Baptist, a man born to eliminate evil from our world. Combining elements of Criminal Minds and Dexter, The Baptist is a deceptive view of normality through the lens of a man led by reawakened religious mania and a woman driven by lust.

He's clever, calculating and uncatchable. If you hear a knocking on your door don't let him in. John Baptist is cleansing a path for the Second Coming.

Speak No Evil - Sensory Perception for Readers and Writers

There's now a regular slot for yours truly on the 26th of each month at Authors Electric . Hop on over and find out why this author will never get the Wise Monkey badge .

How to Throw Money Down the Toilet

I have a lot of ideas about a lot of things. Some good, some bad. When it comes to marketing my books I decided to go through as many channels as possible. Amazon is a no-brainer so all my titles went up there straight away. Then there was Smashwords , acting as a distribution hub for Barnes & Noble, Apple, Kobo, Sony et al. The problem with Smashwords was the reaction time to changes in content, blurb and price. Apple and Kobo opened their doors to independent authors so I was able to put my titles directly on those channels (thanks to neighbour Noel for letting me use his Mac to get the titles up on Apple - they can then be managed via the web platform). Barnes & Noble were open to a direct approach and refreshed their offering with NookPress but it remained closed to authors outside of the US and I'm in Ireland. So I replaced Smashwords with Draft2Digital as my route into B&N giving near real-time sales figures and price control.

But this wasn't enough complexity. I wanted to get my titles into other outlets. XinXii turned out to be a nice little route into german-speaking marketplaces. Then, as part of Marble City Publishing , my titles gained entry to the digital warehouse of UK distributor Gardners, resulting in listings on Hive , Kalahari, Dito, Bokkilden, Blackwell's , Foyle's , txtr and goodness knows where else.

So now my tendrils were out it was time to get into advertising. The Baptist had a nice little outing on Ereader News Today and achieved just under 400 sales at 99c sale price. I was fairly delighted and, after the two day promo period, adjusted back to $3.99 and started to rub my hands at the anticipated follow-on. Sales continued nicely but Amazon didn't re-adjust the price. I started to check my channels. Apple, Kobo, Smashwords, Sony, Barnes & Noble, who was the culprit? I had entered the full price on all the platforms, everything seemed to be under control, but Amazon were sticking to that 99c. Then I found it. Kobo were taking days to adjust the sales price on their web store, even though the Kobo Writing Life platform looked like it had adjusted immediately. The result? After five days Kobo had adjusted and Amazon were quick to put The Baptist back to $3.99. More than $150 thrown down the toilet through price comparison to the tardy Kobo pricing. Live and learn.

Author Skin Exposed? Get Some Snake Oil On There

Today I have a guest post on Authors Electric titled as above. It's a précis of the ebook publishing industry to date and tries to discover the secret of successful ebook marketing. Go take a look and see if you can identify the mystery snake oil vendors mentioned in the post .

Win A Professional Critique On The Opening Of Your Novel

Over on Multi-story they are running a competition to win a professional critique of your novel opening (up to 2500 words) by Booker Prize nominated author Jim Williams. Three winners will receive an incisive critique from Jim who has had twelve novels internationally published to critical acclaim, and he describes here what he is looking for in the winning entries. Entry to the competition is open until 30th September 2013 and here are the rules .

GAAngsta's Paradise - an Irish rap

A little bit of Irish social commentary - (rap it in your head to the original Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio feat LV).

As I shuffle down High Street struggling for breath
I take a look at my wife and realise she hasn’t left - yet
Which is kinda surprising, considering what’s been going on
With pay cuts and no hair cuts and no manicures and so on


The wallet’s pretty empty but I guess I deserve it
After all I’m just a gutter living, whining public servant
Enough negative, I got a job, I should be grateful
We ain’t eating beef steak, we gotta eat pork, so


The kids need clothes and stuff, ’cos they gotta look cool
But my shoes are puppy-chewed and I dress like an old fool
A meal out these days is a trip to KFC
And the mot tries saving money at Lidl, or Aldi


We’re wasting all our lives
In Bertie and Enda’s paradise
We’ve been spending most our lives
In a self-deluded paradise


We’re wasting all our lives
In Fianna something paradise
We’ve been spending most our lives
In a paper tiger paradise


Look at the situation they got us all facing
Ain’t nothing gonna be free, gotta pay for everything
Next thing you know they’ll ban hurls in the hood
That ain’t gonna go down well at all with us culchees


We got educated fools in the ivory tower
Got a hurl in my hand, wanna whack ’em in the bollox
Except we don’t wanna complain, wouldn’t be cool
Don’t wanna be a parody or appear like a tool, no


Debt ain’t nothing but a heartbeat away
Them Argos special offers only available til Friday
Equity is negative but I don’t give a flying fuck
We’re staying in this house til we die


Tell me why were we so blind to see
The answer don’t lie in property


We’re wasting all our lives
In a Fianna something paradise
We’ve been spending most our lives
In a self-deluded paradise


We’re wasting all our lives
In Fianna something paradise
We’ve been spending most our lives
In a paper tiger paradise


Powers and Jameson, Jameson and Powers
Paddy Power betting, open til late hours
Playing on the Lotto, playing Euromillions
Planning out your future on improbable statistics, yeah


You say your gonna win but you know no one who has
You got a better chance of winning the local beauty competition
We gotta run, we gotta play, we gotta score
Or else we’re fucked, ’cos this country’s outta luck, bud


We’re wasting all our lives
In a Fianna something paradise
We’ve been spending most our lives
In a paper tiger paradise


We’re wasting all our lives
In a Fianna something paradise
We’ve been spending most our lives
In a self-deluded paradise


Tell me why were we so blind to see
The answer don’t lie in property
And what do we bring to the party
Negative equity


We’re wasting all our lives
In a Fianna something paradise
We’ve been spending most our lives
In a self-deluded paradise


We’re wasting all our lives
In a Fianna something paradise
We’ve been spending most our lives
In a paper tiger paradise

words © by Ruby Barnes

Note: GAA Gaelic Athletic Association