Lindsey Renee Backen's Blog, page 5

Onward, Offline!

Dear Readers and Fellow Writers,

Oh, the irony. I haven't posted anything in ages and here I am to tell you about my journey as a mostly offline author. Right now, I haven't any choice in the matter: I spent two mornings and early afternoons designing a new cover for Swing as I am updating and it to several new distributors. And now I'm sitting on my bed, typing on my Freewrite because my eyes are once again strained. (If you don't know what a Freewrite is, it's an expensive little device somewhat like a hybrid between a typewriter and an Etch-a-sketch.) The important thing to know is I am typing words onto a screen with no backlight. I've been exploring using my phone and computer as little as I can for everything except writing and producing books. You know, "work-related" stuff. But I have discovered that it's almost all work-related and every modern book-launching, platform-building program is centered around social media and online store fronts. Which puts me in a strange position as an author whose body struggles to handle exposure to blue light, bright screens, and the Electric and magnetic fields (EMFs) signals from WiFi and Bluetooth and telephones that are all upgrading to 5G. For a few months, I have been dabbling with exploring the various aspects of modern life and how much a "normal" person can shape her job and leisure around situations and solutions that don't require a glance at Google, entering information into a spreadsheet, opening an app on a phone, or obtaining an item via two-day shipping. I have lots of reasons for doing this, some good and some I'm still questioning myself. Sometimes it goes well and sometimes I slip into old habits. It has been interesting, often frustrating, and surprisingly rewarding. But today I realized: I am not normal. I may never be normal. So why not embrace this and make it a challenge instead of an obstacle? This week I will be testing the idea that work will fit into the amount of time that you allow it. I will be using screens across all devices for only 3 hours a day and exploring the tasks I can do offline for the rest of the time. I’ll post next week and let you know how it goes! What do you think will be the hardest thing to leave behind? What is your favorite screen activity? Leave a comment and let me know!

Love, Lindsey

Layout: More than Meets the Eye

I thought that doing the layout for Among would be done more quickly than Between because I could use the same template and save myself some work rather than building the document from scratch in InDesign. And it did... sort of. After I finally found the saved files on my backup hard drive. For those curious people who don't use InDesign, I'm going to try and give an idea of what goes into layout without overwhelming you with technical details.

Essentially, InDesign is a text and graphic layout program that is used for professional book layout (and tons of other projects.) It has lots of options and features that you can customize for your projects. It's great but it's also complex so sometimes when you change a setting and forget what you did, it's hard to troubleshoot. I usually don't have many problems doing layout. Usually.
Oddly enough, the first step in formatting a book is taking out all of the formatting. I do this by creating a "plain text" file in Word Pad. Usually, you would mark any formatting you did want to keep, like italics so you can go back and easily find it to put it back in, but I like to just go through the document on my own manuscripts and decide as I go which I want to keep.

This time though, I had two documents to import. The main manuscript for Among and the documents for the sections in the back. Mainly the "About Me" page and the first chapter of The Secret of Sentarra series which I was thinking of including. I imported it as "flowable" text which means the program will add as many pages as it needs to fit the text.

The manuscript imported and I went through adding "styles" to each paragraph. I have one style for the body of the text, one for the chapter heading, and one for the dropped cap at the beginning of the chapter. And "Font" styles for italics. And created a few new styles I have never done before.

Because Chloe texts her friends. She also IMs them on the computer. She also gets a flood of incoming texts after turning her phone on after disappearing. I wanted to go all fancy at first and put in actual graphics of speech bubbles, but I quickly figured out that was going to be confusing with the layout. I researched how other formatters handle it and found some bring one person's text to the right and the other to the left. I tried it, but there were several places in the manuscript where it looked confusing and sloppy against the narrative text. Especially where a random text comes in that doesn't turn into a full conversation.

I finally came up with two layouts that I think are clear and readable, set apart without breaking the flow of reading. Another challenge met. Then there was a day watching videos to brush up on how to get the headings started halfway down the page. And Layout #2.

Layout #2 is not my book. It is a memoir that belongs to someone else, a project that came smack dab in the middle of mine. So I've been working double time and adding some skills like extensive work with images and an appendix which I have never done. More research. More learning. And then there's the pesky habit of my internet going MIA for hours at a time. As of today, both of the manuscripts are done but I’ve hard to replace and re-anchor the 40 photos from this project around three times. The first day was fun. The second day was frustrating. The 3rd and 4th, I’m pulling out my hair and every time I think I’ve finished, something else goes wonkey.

I ordered a book in InDesign to add to my existing copy of designing books so I can look up when I need to brush up my memory or learn a new skill. I spent almost a solid two days doing the basic formatting for both books. I was almost finished with Among and just needed to add the back text.
The flowable text flowed right off the page. Then it jumped to other margins. Then it just disappeared. I tried several fixes. Finally figured it out. Got all of that text formatted. Then came the polish.
I go back through every chapter and every paragraph and look for words that have hyphens breaking to the next line. Then I expand or decrease the space between the letters to see if I can move the word up or down. The space between the letters is called "Kerning." I also look for lines that begin a page or end a page, called "widows" or "orphans." Nobody like to be alone, including lines in a paragraph so I'll adjust the kerning to see if I can move the paragraph forward or back. Sometimes I can. Sometimes, I just have to leave it looking a bit odd.

See how the last sentence runs onto the top of the second page? That’s what we want to avoid.

Honestly, I usually find the kerning step relaxing and feel satisfied with the results. This book seemed to have a lot more places where the fix didn't fix. But I finally got to the end of the document, just about the time I should be tumbling into bed. And the end matter I spent so much time importing? It's gone. I have no idea when in the process it disappeared. It doesn't appear to be hiding anywhere like it was last time. So I messed around the next day until I found it again.
So that is where this week leaves me. Among is ready but I’m doing one more read through. I have to remember to add the ISBN number to the front page of the manuscript.
Project #2 is in place and needs the greenlight from the author before I finalize the text and update the table of contents and the appendix numbers. So I am trying to get Among off to the printer so I can get my physical proof back in time to put the book for sale at the end of this month. At the end of this month, I'll know even more about InDesign. It all works out and helps me create more professional books. But it's a good thing I have a four-day vacation coming up. I was hoping it might be a real vacation. But I'm starting to learn that, for now, my vacations are usually book launches. And that's all right. Because creating books is what I love to do. Even when the end matter and photos do randomly run away.

The Six-Hour Cover

I had one day off and the photo shoot had been planned for weeks. If I didn’t do it then, it would be several more weeks before I had a chance. I was all ready. The weather wasn’t.

Clouds were all right and it wasn’t a downpour, just enough of light rain to mess with the equipment and put a damper on plans. We did it anyway, waiting for a break to run out into the field. At least I could get some general shots to mess around with and make sure my concept worked. I donned the dress, hoping not to get scratched too much. I’d cut the collar off, ending up with ragged edges that would not be trimmed, sanded, or contained. If you think about a window screen that was made out of plastic, that’s what this material is made of. I didn’t do my hair and I wore boots. We used our own land. It was just concept shots, right?

The first concept with the Teddy Bear didn’t work. It could have worked if we had reshot, straightened the bear, and worked until the position was just right. But I had another idea, based on an overhead angle. We didn’t quite get it but we got several shots.

Some of them looked a good combination of tranquil and mysterious. But the reality is, shooting something like that goes deeply along the lines of:

This grass is really itchy.

I wonder what the neighbors are thinking.

I feel the breeze. Did my hem just flip up?

All the time my mother, Sheila, who was the photographer is circling saying, “That’s good. Stay just like that.”

So I did, crumpled with my neck in a weird position. We also laughed when someone going by in a car eyed us as we took pictures of an old bear laying on the road.

So there was this one picture that stood out. And I moved it into my software, played with lighting and cropping, and bam. There was my cover.

I wanted to invite the readers to vote, so I made some other covers but in the end, it didn’t matter. I liked the cover. The others weren’t even close. We could do another shoot but we didn’t have to. It worked. In fact, it was about six hours from lacing up the dress (no easy feat) to polishing the look. All I have to do now is export it into the same software I used for the last cover and make sure the fonts’ sizes and colors match exactly. The book is finished and ready to go to layout. I downloaded the month-long rental for the software this morning. So there you have it. I have one month to get the front and interior formatted and one last read-through to make sure I didn’t miss any italics, take out the hyphens at the end of the lines, and look for any final touches.

Then it’s on to the press. :)

Without further ado, I give you the cover for “Among.”

I hope you’re as excited as I am. It’s getting close to publishing time!

Sewing, Stages, and Stories

I cut up a dress last night. At least the collar off the dress. If you can imagine window screen wire made of plastic…that is what I cut off the dress. Which eliminated the stiff, bowl feeling and the sleeves arching off my shoulders. And introduced a small army of jagged plastic edges that make the dress even more uncomfortable to wear than it was to begin with. I literally feel like I should sandpaper them and probably could. But I’m thinking of running a piece of material over the edge in much the same way the original dress was, only it’s close to the bodice and shoulders instead of splaying two and a half inches into the universe. I hope it works. Otherwise, I just ruined a $200 dress which can never be worn except for a short photo shoot which is schedule for next Thursday. All in all. It feels better to wear as a design and I don’t think I have regrets. I wanted to move it all together but there are raw edges it hides and glue that holds down the top layer I was hoping to reattach. Also a flawed design in the back which we discovered upon lacing it which I’m hoping won’t show. If the lace up back was my actual spine, I’d have a severe break at the bottom. We’re hoping we can find a way to lace it where it doesn’t show too much or just be creative with the photoshoot. I probably could have fought them on that flaw alone but the truth is, I didn’t want more negative emotions this week.

My brother lost his best friend and spoke at his funeral this week. I wasn’t able to get off work to go see the family but I grew up with them and they helped me through some of the hardest times of my youth. I’ve got some relatives and friends facing some declining illnesses. We had a few ER visits this week. For a few days it felt like every time I walked into my house, someone was on the phone and something new had happened.

But it hasn’t all been bad. Rehearsals for The Dining Room are coming along nicely. It’s the first time I’ve worked with this cast and director and I’ve loved being with every one of them. I think I’ve laughed more at rehearsals than I have all year. It’s one thing I love about actors. We’re all quirky and unapologetically ourselves. Put a bunch of us in the same room and we turn into regular hams. The show itself is pretty fun too. It takes place in one dining room across multiple generations. Watching it is like peeking in on slices of people’s lives some which have no beginning and no apparent resolution but gives a very good overview of how life changes and ideas evolve - or devolve - however you want to look at it. As an actor, it’s the sort of challenge that excites and scares you at the same time. I open the show as a young servant during the depression era, slip on a jacket and change shoes and walk back out as a domineering, manipulative mother in the late 30s. That’s how the entire play goes behind the scenes. A flurry of a costume change, a hair change, finding your props, reminding yourself which vocal tones and accent you’re using for this person, what posture they’d have at their age, and what the cue is to walk back on as someone else entirely. Sometimes we have several minutes during a different scene and sometimes someone is waiting in the wings to help put on a different accessory and you’re back on in less than 30 seconds. There are six of us and 59 different characters. There’s also a ton of silent interplay while two characters carry the bulk of conversation and the others have their own storyline going on in the background. I get home really late from rehearsals because of the drive but it’s been really nice to have a project that is collaborating with other people. It’s also the first show I’ve done since 2011 that I have only been responsible for acting and not writing, directing and producing as well. Which is fun too, especially seeing something that was only in my head come to life, but right now, it would be more than I could handle and it’s been fun to just focus on the characters.

What there hasn’t been in my life lately, is much downtime. I kind of tumble into each day, just trying to do the next thing. I’ve worked down to waking at 7, despite the late nights, but I’m still not getting up early enough to do writing before work. Which for right now, is fine. I want to focus on getting the cover for Among, and then the changes put into the interior which should be happening within the next few weeks. Get the book out. Then turn full-force to Sentarra. The show should be over by then and I’m hoping to somehow get back to 5 or 6 AM mornings so I have a chunk of time to devote to my books. I know from years past that is when I write best, but ever since I got sick last year, I haven’t managed to be able to physically swing it. So we’ll see. If I can’t, I’ll have Thursday and Friday mornings back now that I’m not using them to film the readings. I’ve been trying to pair down and prioritize lately to move toward the future that I want. I’m not sure what exactly to focus on or when to fit it in. All I know is I want to write books and make them beautiful. I want to inspire people with my stories and blog. And I’d like to do it as a career.

How? I’m not sure yet. But I’ll let you know when I do.

Can't Judge a Book by its...Dress?

If you're wondering why Among isn't out yet, you can blame it—at least partially—on Chloe's dress. Also, nasal spray. And Covid, but that's a truth that's become self-evident, so let me explain the other two. Because I own a personal publishing imprint and am far too in love with creating my books to hand them off, I do the layout and cover design myself. Stock images are expensive, and most come with limits that I don't like to keep up with, such as how many times you can produce the image on a product, so I usually work with people to do our own shoot.

Last year, I took off from work, and we headed to Bastrop, Texas, where Between takes place, to get graphics for the cover and shoot a book trailer. I started the book while at Jami's house and finished it while she was at mine. She helped me with rounds of edits, and we decided early on that she would be my cover model. Several years later, she was. But now she's a school teacher, dealing with the ever-changing landscape of educating young people, and our schedules make it extremely hard to get together for coffee, much less a photo shoot. Since my cover concept didn't necessarily involve a face, I decided to be my own stand-in for the cover because I'll likely have to shoot it on one of my half-days off before rushing to work.

In the cover for Between, my readers helped me decide on the concept of a pair of heels sitting empty in a rugged place: something beautiful and out of place, evoking the sense of mystery. I loved the cover but frankly had no idea how to tie in the next book until I was doing the reading for Among and showed the listeners the teddy bear I had based Chloe's bear on. And then I saw the cover in my head with the same concept, only reversed. It was Chloe standing in a beautiful gown where all you see are the tips of her curls and her arms holding the bear behind her back: something rugged by beauty, still out of place, still evoking the sense of intrigue. I loved the idea so much that I didn't even consider alternative concepts. I like to use second-hand dresses on the cover, so we can do things like run around in piney woods without fear of ruining the dress interfering with shooting a trailer of a confused and frightened girl.

So I bought a dress off eBay and focused on finishing filming the readings and going through my last-minute edits. I always expect delays in the mail, so I didn't think much about the dress until I realized I never got a confirmation that it had even shipped. I sent a message to the owner. No response. I hope they didn't get sick—but almost an entire month had passed with no contact, so I got a refund and looked for another dress—or rather, for the back of a dress.

The dress I ordered.

I do not own this image.

The back of the dress

I do not own this image.

I don't know if you've ever been back-of-dress shopping, but it was far trickier than I expected. First, because it's online and many dresses don't even show the back. Secondly, because most dresses are either plain with a zipper running up or showing off the wearer's back. Chloe doesn't particularly like to show off her back, and I didn't want to evoke the sense of a romance novel that turns out to be anything but, so it took a few nights. Then I decided to look for a custom dress, supporting an individual rather than a large company, so I turned to Etsy.

And I found the most beautiful dresses. They were not second-hand. I needed one that would fit in with the gold theme of the first book but would off-set the gray bear. Also, have a lace-up back. And a good front would be a bonus because I wanted options to use the front in this or a different cover. The one I settled on was almost perfect. The gold overlay in the back rose between laces and ended in what suggested wings that would be just behind the bear. The front had beautiful detail work that swooped to the side, evoking the sense of branches that would carry forward the atmosphere of Between. The thing I liked least was that it was an off-shoulder gown, but the sleeves were delicate, and I decided I could live with that. It looked like a collaboration between two people, and the rest of the dresses in the shop seemed like ones I would use for future projects. Excited about the dress and the chance to feature a small-business, I gave them the measurements to alter it, ordered it, and waited.

It came even sooner than I expected. It fit like a glove. The workmanship is very good. But when I put it on, something seemed… off. Or rather, not off. The edge fit right above my shoulders, but the material was two layers of stiff material, so it stuck out a bit like a clown collar more than a graceful hang. I am a tiny person, so I wondered if they had to take in a medium-size dress which would affect the basic shape. But the tips of the "wing" pattern in the back was hidden beneath the wide collar, and it had a weird flip in the front that evokes the idea of a bib with a "crumb catcher" on the end. I didn't remember any of these details. The gold work ran straight up instead of swooping to the side. We did a few test shots late at night, and the collar gave the idea of an hourglass or a clown collar. I loved the bottom part of the dress, and every layer was perfectly hemmed for my height, meaning I wouldn't have to hand stitch it myself as I often do. But I didn't like the top, even after I gave it a night.

I took a course in dress-making and design when I was in high school, so I begin inspecting the bodice to see how much of the discrepancy could be chalked up to taking the dress in. Certainly, the train was gone from what was pictured, though in my case, that was a good thing. No matter what I tried, it didn't match what was in my mind when I ordered the dress. In fact, it looked a lot like a different dress on the site with a crisscross over the shoulder that, if they happened to flip outward to attempt to make it off-shoulder, would lay…. almost like this.

I checked the site, found the dress, mentally flipped it. So that's why the details were gone. Don't get me wrong; it's a lovely dress. If I purchased it to wear to an event or even as a costume in a play, I'd probably not bother to nit-pick. But most of the details I wanted in the dress weren't replicated, and most of the details I had to work around were… I wrote the designer and explained that they had altered the wrong dress. They informed me that since it had been altered for me, they could not resale it. They understood my feelings but could not give me a refund.

Good thing I hadn't rented rooms and planned a trip for a book trailer, huh?

Also, I never thought I'd complain that my waist is too small, but… my waist is too small. The bear almost covers the gown. Putting it on the dress laying on the bed and would look fantastic with the gold detail and the wings (at least until the tips are covered with a clown collar). Standing up, that annoying collar swoops out of the edges of the photo like a distorted shape, and the bear almost covers the waist. Holding it high enough to get the winged effect creates a very unnatural arm position. Holding it other ways makes it look less like a young woman hiding a secret and more like a ghost-child or someone creeping on a bear.

It took me a full day to write to the designer because I was suddenly doubting my entire concept. In the end, it didn't matter. I've spent the money on the dress: I either have to go to war with the designer or work with what I've got. I thought about war, but I don't want to waste more time with angry email exchanges that will result in further delays shipping it back, hoping they alter it correctly or waiting for a refund before I can order another dress from someone else. Having no dress puts me right back at square one, and even if I got everything resolved, I'd be working with a dress I've spent weeks building up negative feelings around. If I could get rid of that stupid collar, I think this dress could work. I might even love it.

Original Concept
The Akward Reality
It's still a pretty dress

But that collar is under layers of design work. I could trim it, but it would still not lay correctly. I have the skills to take off the trim work, snip it free and replace it with a smaller, softer edge or just flip the darn thing back and cover it with the strip like the other dress (not shown). But once I cut it, I've given up all potential options of backtracking. I'm working 5-6 days a week at my job, volunteering at my church on my day off, attending rehearsals three nights a week for a play I'm in, and running for city council.

Once I received the reply, I took some deep breaths to think about this… and then…. the nasal spray happened. I react badly to most medication, so I should have been wary when my medical advisor said to try an over-the-counter nasal spray to clear up some moisture in my ear that's been bugging me for over a year. I tried it, and though I had woken up cheerful, I spent the rest of the day feeling mentally numb. I woke with watery eyes, a runny nose, and decided not to take a second dose. I have given up deciding how much of the reaction was from the medicine and how much the medication may have suppressed my body from fighting off something that was already lurking. All I know for sure is that when I woke on the second day, my face was turning raw, and there was a patch swelling under my eyes. I went from looking like a battered-housewife, to the Phantom, to Quasimodo with a full-on puffy eye swollen nearly shut and a spreading pillow-face. It would get a little better in the day, and I'd think it was clearing up, then bam, the following day, I'd wake up rubbing my face and swearing off the medication of all kinds. I tried Benadryl. Except for messing with my mental ability, it did nothing. A cream would help for an hour or so; then all the swelling would come back. Ironically, honey seemed to help the most with calming some of the storm. Today, almost a week later, my face has returned to almost normal, except it feels and looks a bit like sandpaper. Chloe's dress still hangs in my room, waiting for a verdict. Mostly, I’m disappointed the designer didn’t let me know that he didn’t have the exact dress I wanted and let me pick another before he altered it. But this is the dress I have. It doesn’t look bad on the hanger, even if it doesn’t match what I asked for. I may just leave it as it is, but it does affect the shape I had in mind for the cover. If I change up my original idea, I can probably make it work. Where's Brad when you need him?

Between: My Readers’ Peek at the Book Covers and Trailer

Ever wonder what it’s like behind the scenes before your favorite book hits the shelves? I’m not really sure, honestly. But if you want to know what happens behind the scenes of a Lindsey Book, here’s your sneak peek!

Take great ideas.Add technical difficulties and old equipment.Stir it in with a bunch of 5:00 AM mornings and 12:00 PM nights.And add a dash of last-minute project crashes and strained eyes.That’s a Lindsey book project.

But you know what? I wouldn’t trade it for anything. (Except better equipment, a crew, and more money. ;) ) Because filming was fun and I’ll tell you more about it later. For today, I present to you a mostly-finished book trailer and a few mostly-finished book covers. I will be tweaking both for the official release once my eyes have had a bit of a rest. But that leads me to…

I need your help!

I know the storyline. I know where the next book takes place. I know that the final book in the series is told entirely from the viewpoint of one of the male characters. I know five million factors that need to be considered while creating covers. What I don’t know is which cover is going to make a reader stop and go, “Hey, that looks like a book I might like. Let’s see what it is about.”

Care to help me out?

I got a great response from my friends on FaceBook, but none of the cover concepts really pulled ahead of the rest in a landslide of votes. Honestly at last count there was 7, 8, and 7. So I redid all of them, added a few new ones, and ditched one. If you were a fan of the girl laying in the woods….Sorry, y’all. I created two new book covers with the idea but they all looked like a badly photo-shopped B-Horror movie. Which is not what we’re going for in this slightly-fantastical mystery. So, I want to show you the unofficial and not-quite-polished book trailer. Then scroll down and leave a comment to help me decide which book covers will grace the front and back of the paperback copy of Between. Thanks! Oh. Did you realize, this book is going to be available for purchase in 17 Days! So off I go to refill the coffee pot, grab a bite to eat, and get myself to my day job. See you tonight! (I’ll be up late.)

Cover #1

Cover #2

Cover #3

Cover #4

Behind the Scenes of Publishing "Between"

Dear Friend,

Have you ever been excited and terrified at the same time? I am usually not (too) self-conscious when people read my books, but this week…oh, what the heck? I’m still pretty excited. Maybe 97% excited and 3% terrified. Not because I finished revising my book. Not because I shipped it off to my editor. Not even because it will be published on December 9th, 2019. None of those reasons. Want to know what it is?

I wrote a ghost story.

It’s not a “ghost story” ghost story but… yeah, it’s pretty much a ghost story. Which is NOT the kind of story I normally write. In fact, when I started writing this book, I told myself I was just going to write it for fun and no one ever had to see it. And then I got excited and showed the opening to a few friends and they all said, “YOU HAVE TO PUBLISH THIS!” But before you shiver and go find something to take your mind off of creepy things, let me be the first to assure you: I live in a big, rambling Victorian house that’s over 100 years old. And I like to sleep. I don’t watch scary movies. I don’t read scary books. I don’t like haunted things. So, it’s not that kind of book.

It actually started when I suddenly imaged a young woman who was watching a young man, who was watching a boy, who was watching TV. If you’re wondering exactly what that image was all about, so did I. I realized the boy couldn’t see the young man and the young man didn’t know the young lady was watching him. And that’s how I met Chloe and Carter who introduced me to the land of Between. Chloe wakes in the woods in a designer gown and heels with no memory of who she is or how she got there—or who killed her. Because she has no memory, I explored the idea I’ve always wondered about: What would you do if you woke up, not knowing what you are afraid of, who you are, or what you can or cannot do? And that, my friend, is how I wrote a story about death that taught me all kinds of things about life. I can’t wait to share it with you.

You know what I love almost as much as writing stories? Bringing them to life on the stage and film. If you have wondered why I have been scarce on here lately, it’s because I was neck-deep in writing, acting, and directing in a 1940’s show which was a blast. That was two weekends ago. Last weekend I worked a large fundraiser for my job. This weekend I am going to be filming a book trailer for “Between.” Now, I’m off to go troubleshoot the video camera and see why it’s not working. (This could be a fun shooting weekend filled with Plan Bs.) I am so excited. So stick around and let me know if you want to see behind the scenes of filming a book trailer. I will be giving you a sneak-peek at the publishing world of Ever Ink Press. Just leave your enthusiastic “yes!” in the comments below.

Remembering Ben

One of the trademarks of being a writer is that, although you are keenly (and perhaps sadly) aware that your characters are indeed fictional and will never walk the same world as you, you’re constantly scanning faces hoping someone you meet will fit the bill. When you also want to make book trailers and write plays, that instinct is even stronger. I wrote a script for my book, “Swing” years ago to perform at a local theater, but I ended up moving before we hammered out production dates. To this day, there are three key components I need in place before I can pull “Swing” off on stage: a good swing dance instructor, an actual stage, and an actor to play Trey who can pull off his unique combination of innocence and mischief.

I found my Trey when I wasn’t looking for him. It was over three years ago when I was holding auditions for “The Great Escape”—a comedy I wrote about a group of nursing home residents who steal the UPS truck and have a day on the town, their nurse and the USP delivery man in pursuit. During the show, the elderly looters tie up a hotdog boy and help themselves to his wares.

So there I was, (remind reader what you were doing with just a few words here) and in walks Ben with twinkling blue eyes, blonde hair, and capable of expressions from thoughtful empathy to the sassiest of smirks. It just about stunned me. I’d never seen this kid and this was the wrong show, but that was Trey. I said nothing—it’s not fair to cast a role before you’ve seen the other actors but I pretty much did anyway. After working with Ben—who good-naturedly played the hotdog boy—and meeting his parents and siblings—who were just as cool as he was—I started thinking about pursuing the elements to produce “Swing.” At the end of the show, Ben said he’d read the book and loved it. I remember saying, “When we do it, you should come audition.”

“I will,” he said with the sparkling eyes, and then he was gone.

I still needed a venue. I still needed a dance instructor. I still needed a Dave. Or even just a Lila, then we could go ahead and shoot the book trailer as soon as I found a barn with a hayloft.

But my plans, and the plans of many other Texans in my area, were derailed by Hurricane Harvey sweeping through, then coming back for a second round. Ben’s family’s home was flooded, and it took several months for them to get back into it. 

Then he got sick.

There was no logical reason for me to believe so firmly that he could heal from brain cancer. It was the bad kind. It was inoperable. But I did believe. When I prayed for Ben, I somehow felt that God was going to heal him, that it was not His plans for the illness to end all the things Ben was born to do—things way more important than playing Trey. A year passed. The last time I saw him, he struggled to walk. He could barely talk, but he got by with animated expressions and gestures. Still, I told him I was waiting for him to get well so he could play Trey, and he grinned.

That was the last time I saw him. 

Yesterday was a month since his death. I realized that, in a twist of irony, my upcoming novel "Between" will be launching on the third-month anniversary of his leaving.

I don’t know how spiritual to get in a blog, but I wasn’t completely shocked at the sudden shift in the belief of “Ben will get well” to “God may take Ben home.” In a way, it feels like he’s still here; I am working on a 1940s show that we will perform in two weeks—a show thatBen and his family participated in the first version of. Over half of the current cast knew Ben and when we were working on modifying the script together, I asked one of them what she wanted the name of her relative to be. She thought for a moment and said, “Name him Ben.” I even found out that one of my best friends has been praying for Ben and his family, although we just figured out it was the same family touching both of our lives. 

I would be lying if I said that Ben and his family haven’t added a new layer of depth to my understanding of God, death, and even my manuscripts as I portray the years of WWII and make the final revision of “Between,” a novel that deals with themes of life and death. There have been so many moments lately when I see something and think, “Ben should be here.”

But there is also a deeper peace. Ben is exactly where he should be, doing exactly what he should be doing. Eighteen years isn’t long in our understanding of time. But all we need is a moment; one moment can touch someone, can change the whole course of history. Ben touched lots of people and changed lots of moments that will reach far beyond what we can even guess at. 

And who knows? I think Heaven is more than strolling around and strumming harps. I think I will still be writing there. I’ll bet Ben will still be acting. 

Perhaps he’ll be my Trey after all.

How a Director Destroyed My Fear of Auditions

Have you ever noticed that being nervous and feeling excited feel almost exactly the same?

I remember when my heart would flutter, my stomach would flip, I would grin and breathe hard at the same time. I wasn’t even sure if I was mostly excited or scared to death. I started my acting journey in an established theater with a large pool of talent. The atmosphere was generally kind and encouraging but a cast of 10-30 people could have over 100 people show up, hoping for a role. I was 15 with no formal training beyond church plays where we tried to “read with expression.” Shows I was allowed and able to audition for were few and far between, so every show felt like my last foreseeable opportunity if I didn’t make the cast. I had friends who auditioned who were never cast.

I took nothing for granted.

But somewhere along the way, one of the directors told us something that changed my entire auditioning experience. The truth is, directors cannot cast everyone. The theater is, by nature, an elimination sport; you can be a great actor but you also have to look somewhat like the part. My height worked against me when I auditioned for Cinderella with a friend who created a very tall prince —but the next year, I landed the adolescent role of Dorothy and spend the summer being towered over by the scarecrow, lion, and tin man. Sometimes, it’s scary to get up and read for a roll.

Then came the audition that changed everything.

“When you get up here, we are not judging you or looking for reasons to reject you,” said the director. “Remember, we WANT you to get the role. Every person who steps up, we are hoping as much as you are, that you are the perfect choice for a part.”

That thought became a game-changer for me. I started seeing my directors as friends, as co-creators all after the same goal I was. When I became a director, I never forgot this. You and I are bringing a character to life; we’re telling a story that will have elements you will have to explore for yourself because they won’t be like you, elements that you will infuse into the character because they are like you, and elements that will probably develop and surprise us both.

The Secret

Directors want you to get the role. They hope, as much as you do, that you are the perfect choice for a part.

When most people decide to put on a production, they form a committee. They find sponsors. They debate scripts, vote on a play, and move into production. They audition actors and fit them as best they can into the existing roles. They rehearse, add sounds and lights, sell tickets, and open the show.

Then there is me.

I do everything backward. It’s start with a casual conversation, “Wouldn’t it be fun to…” I find a building. I start planning. I build my team as I go. I don’t even know how many characters there will be or what the exact story line will consist of until after I audition. I see who I have to work with, what their talents and strengths are, and then write or revise the script for the best show we can offer with our unique combination of people and talents. My favorite part of the production is ferreting out people’s skills and giving them a chance to shine.

Is it crazy?

Yes.

Do I question my sanity?

Sometimes.

Does it work?

Every time.

This weekend, I will be holding auditions for the Home Front Dinner and Dance. I am so excited to see who I will be working with for this particular production and who I can keep on call for future events. We are limited only by size and space in the Home Front Dinner, which means we can use all ages and levels of experience.

Auditions are Friday and Saturday, September 20 and 21st from 6-8 PM. We will be at the Palacios Library using cold readings from a former 1940s production. Come on out! You never know who you may end up portraying. ;)

So, if you’re thinking about auditioning for acting, dancing, singing, or even serving tables in costume, please come out. I can’t promise that I can use everyone in this particular production but I can promise that I will work with your strengths, help you strengthen your weaknesses, and together we’re going to make the 1940s shine.

On Growing Up

Dear Friend,

When I was little, I used to think there was a magical day when you opened your eyes and suddenly knew how to answer questions, how to make things work out, and the answer to life's most difficult quandaries. Seriously, I did.

And that day you sat up in bed and went, "Wow! I'm a grown-up."

Excuse me while I laugh. I'll blame it on my parents for being so dang good at parenting. Even if they didn't have the answer, I still knew they'd figure out how to make things work out. But you know what?

Neverland is real. Neverland is here.

Growing up just means one day you wake up and realize you don't have your stuff together, you'll never have it all together--and that's okay.

It really is okay. We're all juggling balls and dropping them. It doesn't mean we're bad or immature or--God forbid--a millennial. It just means we're humans and life is complicated.

But life can be wonderful in its complexity. The days when everything goes wrong can end up as some of your funniest stories if you take the right slant in telling about them. And if you can't laugh and you break down instead, that's okay too. You're not alone. We're all right here with you. That person who looks like they've got their stuff altogether, I promise you, she doesn't. So let's stop comparing ourselves and focus on the places where we can do best what we can do.

After all, to live is an awfully big adventure.