Benjamin Sobieck's Blog, page 53
July 8, 2011
A Surprise from the Ol' Badger Himself
Shhh...
Don't tell anyone, but Maynard Soloman is trying to make it as a writer. As anyone who has read the Maynard stories can attest, the ol' badger is a little touchy about his ego. Likes to inflate it as much as possible, filling it with his own blend of curse words even if he gets the situation wrong.
His inaugural blog post is over at In the Dark Mind of B.R. Stateham.
Click here to read it. Don't tell him you did, though.
3 Steps for Becoming a Successful Author
Saw this over on CrimeSpace on a thread about reviews in newspapers. I'll present my own version here.
There are three steps for becoming a successful author in the digital age:
1) Generate lots of buzz about yourself and your writing.
2) ????????
3) Dominate the charts.
There you have it. It's that easy.
Hmmm? You're wondering about Step 2? Yeah, everyone is wondering about that. We'll let you know what we find.
In all honesty, no one really knows. Most say it's luck, but I think it's more being prepared to handle whatever opportunities come your way. Even that doesn't matter compared to the Golden Rule: If you're not passionate about writing, you won't be successful.
I'm not getting rich off any of this. I do it because I have to write. It's a part of who I am. It's my identity, as they'd say in "Cleansing Eden." That's my Step 2. What's yours?
July 7, 2011
Want $10,000?
I can't win this. Maybe you should.
St. Martin's Minotaur and Mystery Writers Writers of America remind you that the deadline for requesting an entry form is November 15, 2011. The winner of the 2012 contest will be announced at the 2012 Edgar Awards banquet on April 26, 2012.
Sponsored by St. Martin's Minotaur and Mystery Writers of America (MWA), the winner will be offered a contract with a $10,000 advance.
Full rules are at http://www.mysterywriters.org/?q=Contests-Writers and read, in part:
1. The Competition is open to any writer, regardless of nationality, aged 18 or older, who has never been the author of any Published Novel (in any genre), as defined by the guidelines below, (except that authors of self-published works only may enter, as long as the manuscript submitted is not the self-published work) and is not under contract with a publisher for publication of a novel.
All requests for entry forms must be received by Minotaur Books via e-mail by November 15, 2011.
Guest Post: Giovanni Gelati on the New Maynard Soloman
Today's guest post comes from the prolific literary blogger and talk show host, Giovanni Gelati. Take it from here, G-Man.
Getting my fix of Maynard always puts a smile on my face. My wife has really gotten into him too. The dialogue Benjamin Sobieck has come up with for Maynard Soloman is so unique and captivating it is hard not to just like the character but to love him. I have been fortunate to have had the author on my blogtlak show The G-ZONE a number of times now; please go back into the show's archives to enjoy one of the interviews. I think you will quickly find out where Maynard gets his sense of humor.
Here is the synopsis of the digital short story, "Maynard Soloman Fixes Social Security and Eats a Pony."
"Maynard Soloman, profane and clueless private investigator, just wanted to pay for some gas. But when a pony-riding bandit makes off with his five bucks, he has no choice but to give chase. To get his money back, he'll have to do the impossible: Fix Social Security. And eat a pony. This short story is part of the Maynard Soloman series from Trestle Press, dedicated to bringing readers the crustiest in satirical humor."
From the first paragraph I knew I was a fan of Maynard Soloman and that was back in days gone past to The Author's Lab/Collaboration story "Who Whacked the Blogger" when Maynard made his first appearance. Since then he has dropped two stories in the new series, the other being "Maynard Soloman Solves the War on Drugs". The action is farcical, the plotline outrageous, and the situations Maynard finds himself in are just outlandish. To not download this digital short series is like passing on a guaranteed chance to laugh your fanny off for less than a buck; don't do it, drop the coin and enter the world of Maynard Soloman. It is nothing short of histerical.
Click here for a free preview of "Maynard Soloman Fixes Social Security and Eats a Pony."
July 6, 2011
Noir Issue of Black Heart Magazine Drops Like a Gal-Damn Bomb
Black Heart Magazine is a kick-ass honest-to-goodness magazine based out of Austin, Texas. It touches on a lot of hardcore themes, including noir in its latest issue.
The lineup for this magazine includes short stories from the creme de la creme of the 'net's best crime authors. Guess what? One of them is me. And I'm not even licking stamps this time.
Here's the full rundown from Black Heart Magazine itself:
This is the first of our new digital anthologies, featuring the works of old-schoolers and newcomers to the noir/crime-fiction genre, and we hope you enjoy it. Packed with 64 pages of short, dark fiction and even shorter (and darker?!) poetry, plus some truly terrific artwork (such as our kick-ass cover, at left), there's a little something for everyone with a hole in their soul—or a few bullets where there oughtn't be.
Guest edited by crime fiction enthusiast, web writer extraordinaire, and occasional Black Heart contributor Jimmy Callaway, this anthology is a gritty paradise filled with girls and gangsters, bathed in whiskey and ringed with puffs of smoke issuing from lipstick-smeared cigarettes. Bodies, both living and dead, will point their guns your way just to keep you riveted to your seat.
Our full contributors list of responsible parties includes:
WRITERS
* Cameron Ashley
* Christopher Benton
* Josh Converse
* Chris Deal
* Garnett Elliott
* Matthew C. Funk
* James Gibbons
* AJ Hayes
* D.S. Jones
* David Jordan
* Nik Korpon
* Alexander Kraft
* Mary Long
* Chuck Marecic
* Richie Narvaez
* Dan O'Shea
* Dale Patterson
* Keith Rawson
* Stephen D. Rogers
* Kieran Shea
* Benjamin Sobieck
* Leland Thoburn
* Jonathan Woods
* Changming Yuan
VISUAL ARTISTS
* Nora Costello
* Michael Fugere
* Sophie Newman
COVER ARTISTS
* Brian Roe
* Ronda Pattison
GUEST EDITOR
* Jimmy Callaway
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
* Laura Roberts
To buy a copy in your preferred ebook format, please click here to be transferred to Smashwords .
NOTE: If you prefer to purchase a PDF version for reading on your computer (or elsewhere), our Payloadz store version is of slightly higher quality and costs the same as the Smashwords version.
Free Preview: Maynard Soloman Fixes Social Security and Eats a Pony
I'm very pleased to announce the next standalone Maynard Soloman short story, "Maynard Soloman Fixes Social Security and Eats a Pony." After two previous installments, I finally feel like this series has hit its rhythm.
Once again, Trestle Press is offering this short story as an ebook for 99 cents. As the legendary Ron Popeil would say, wait. There's more.
In addition to the story, you'll also get a lesson in cursing from the ol' badger himself, Maynard. He'll show you what words to use when - in his own special way.
Click here to get "Maynard Soloman Fixes Social Security and Eats a Pony" from Amazon for the Kindle.
To read on a computer or other e-reader, click here to get it from Smashwords.
Now enjoy this free preview!
* * *
What in the hell is it with people in lines at gas stations?
There's always some puddin' ass with a gal-damn glacier chained around his ankle holdin' everyone up. See, he can't decide how to piss his money away: smokes or lottery tickets. Either is a losing bet. Not that I don't gamble on the occasional cow plop. But that's for a good cause - the least of which is the cow's. People clap while the pre-burger meat pole walks around and plops a wet load of climate change onto square B24. Anyone ever clap for your crap? Didn't think so.
This guy in line, the only time you'd hear a clap is when his steaming black lungs fall like two overripe smokehouse hams onto the floor. He can't decide if he wants one box of cigs now or if he should chance the lottery tickets for a carton later.
Meanwhile, the rest of the world is put on hold. Including me. I just want to pay for my gas. My medical bills came due last week, which means I'm low on money today. I'm out of checks to kite, so I only put five bucks in the Winnebago. It's a good thing I'm in Bumfuck Nowhere, Utah, right now. The gas station is at the edge of a mesa. Five dollars' worth of fumes will float me down to the bottom. I know of a little motel there. Stayed there once back with my wife...
Stop it. No one wants to hear your namby-pamby sob story, Maynard. You're a tough guy now that she's gone.
I will clue you in on a little secret, though. At my age, when I tell people my wife is "gone," people think she's dead. That's not quite true. See, what happened is...
Wait a minute. My private investigator senses are tingling. That guy holding up the line. He asked about lottery tickets. I'm in Utah. Utah doesn't have a lottery. Hell, I haven't even seen a proper groggery in miles. So what in the hell is this fruit bat still doing at the cash register?
I take a quick gander out at the parking lot. I see the 'bago, which is looking more like an art snob's lawn sculpture than a RV these days. I spot three other cars, each with Utah plates. Then I see a pony picking at grass out by the road. I'm unsure of the laws here, but the pony does not have a license plate.
Something is off. I walk to the register. The guy at the front of the line shoots me a look. It says, "Don't come over here." I look down and see he's wearing spurs. The ape is shaped like a butter churn. Thin as a stick up top, squishy and wide toward the bottom.
Things feel tense. Across the counter, a gal shrinks like a cheese curd in the sun behind the cash register. Scared. I've got to approach this delicate situation with the graceful charm of a diplomat.
"What in the hell is taking so gal-damn long?" I say. "I've got five bucks on pump two I need to pay."
The ape with the spurs looks me up and down. He talks low and slow with just a trace of a Southern accent. Like good barbecue. "Get back in line, old man," the ape says.
Oh, boy, here we go. I stick a finger in the ape's grimy face. "Now see here, you wannabe cowboy mudsill. The only shit I take from butter churns like you is the kind I put on toast. I eat it with chipped beef for breakfast. Shit on a Shingle. Which is kind of what your face looks like, you festering pile of latrine dip. Now get your quirly gear and pull in your horns," I say.
The ape laughs. He turns to the gal and says, "I'm happy to be on my way. I just need this nice lady to change out my $100 bill."
The gal shakes her head. "We don't take bills higher than $50. It's policy," she says.
The ape slicks his hair back and wipes the grease on his jeans. He slams his hand down on the $100 bill. Hard. He tries not to wince, but I spot a quiver in his eyelid. The gas station goes quiet. "Look, bitch, this is simple. Open the register. I want five 20s. Got it? Do it nice and slow," he says.
"I told you before. We don't take $100 bills," the gal says.
"I told you before. Open. The. Register," the ape says.
"And I told you both before. Hurry this the hell up," I say.
Some people have no gal-damn decency. Still, I can sense one of them is a yellow belly. Probably the gal. She's lying about the policy. That's customer service for you these days.
The gal sighs and hits a button. A shelf of sorted bills kicks into her stomach.
Just like that, the ape reaches over and grabs a grizzled paw of cash. He's damn fast when his knuckles aren't draggin' on the ground. Then he turns and snatches the fiver from my hand. "What the...?" I start to say. But he's already gone, out the door and running toward the pony.
But wait. The $100 bill. It's still on the counter. The gal and I look at it, then each other.
"How much did that sink clog lift from the register?" I say.
The gal does a silent tally. "Forty-seven bucks," she says.
Mother of Lucifer, what a gem of a human being. They didn't just break the mold with this idiot. They imploded the factory and executed the workers. It's shit-for-brains criminals like this who inspired me to go private after my forced retirement.
"Ma'am, I happen to be a private investigator. My business, Maynard Soloman Investigation Services, just spent five dollars at one of your pumps. I'd be happy to take you on as a client. I'll correct this grave injustice," I say.
The gal shakes her head. "Actually, the crime made us money. I don't care where he goes on that pony," she says.
"But your policy. You can't take $100 bills. You'd get in trouble. You need to hire me to get that money back," I say. I tap a finger on the $100 bill. "For all you know, this could be a fake."
The gal takes out a marker. She makes a small line on the bill. It turns yellow. Damn, I was hoping it would be black.
"Nope, this one is real. That guy screwed himself. Thanks for the offer, though," the gal says.
Blast, I really need this job. Or rather, I really need to fill up the 'bago.
"It's the principle of the matter. Don't you see? His brain is infected. He won't stop trying to knock off gas stations. He's like a dog with rabies. He's got to be put down, 'cause his brain is too far gone. Understand?" I say.
The gal mulls this over. "I suppose you're right. Just don't tell my manager," she says.
I snap my fingers. "Now we're talkin'. I'll fetch this punk and bring back your money in no time. I'll just need to fill up the Winnebago first."
"What for? He's still trying to get on his pony," the gal says. She points outside. I see the ass end of a butter churn bobbing up and down next to the pony.
Shit.
"Ma'am, there's no telling where he and that pony could go. The pursuit could take days," I say. "Remember, this is the principle of the matter. You don't want to be known as a pushover."
"Fine, go fill it up," she says.
Hot damn, a full tank of gas. I don't wait for her to change her mind. I keep my head down and spring over to the pump. Next to the ringing and chugging of the pump, it's easy to act like I don't hear the ape by the pony. But I can't ignore the gal yelling at me from inside. "He's. Right. There," she hollers. I point at the pump and give the thumbs up. She waves her hands in disgust.
Running a business like mine is all about integrity. There are expenses involved. Working for anything less than top hide devalues my services. I'm the best. You need to understand that. Not everyone can be forced into retirement after decades as an investigator with the Obscenities Division.
At about $95 worth of gas, the ape manages to get on his pony. At $125, he's made it out of the parking lot. As the pump races past $200, he's out of sight. Perfect.
I hang the nozzle up and climb into the 'bago. I fire up the engine and feel it digesting. It purrs like a sleepy cat. Time to work off that meal. Time to kick some ass.
* * *
Click here to get "Maynard Soloman Fixes Social Security and Eats a Pony" from Amazon for the Kindle.
To read on a computer or other e-reader, click here to get it from Smashwords.
June 26, 2011
Audio: Haunted Crime Scene
Don't miss this audio of a law enforcement officer's experiences at a haunted crime scene. This isn't crime fiction, but it's just as chilling.
Review: Shaken: Stories for Japan
Click here to get "Shaken: Stories for Japan" from Amazon for the Kindle. Look for it soon everywhere else.
I'd never heard of the Japan America Society of Southern California before picking up a copy of "Shaken: Stories for Japan." As of the anthology's publishing, the Society has been in existence for 102 years.
Before the earthquake and subsequent tsunamis that hit Japan in March 2011, I hadn't heard of many of the places in Japan that would dominate world headlines. That's what a tragedy will do. For all the wrong reasons, it brings together people regardless of borders, cultures or routine.
For all the right reasons, a group of authors decided to put together an anthology of short stories. Each contribution intertwined some component of Japan and its people, be it present or past. All the proceeds go toward the ongoing relief efforts in Japan following those few minutes that changed everything. Amazon even agreed to donate its portion. The win-win-win of this anthology is a sign of humanity in an otherwise inhuman event.
That third win is for the reader. The quality of these stories is remarkable. I'm not saying other charitable anthologies aren't worth your time, but some forget about where these donations ultimately come from: the reader. The authors didn't submit backwash sitting idle on their desktop. No, these are quality stories that could stand on their own. It speaks to their passion for responding to this disaster that they would contribute such salable work.
In addition, each story is partitioned by haiku from "Narrow Road" by Matsuo Basho, one of the most renowned names in the craft. It reminds the reader of the timelessness of Japan, and why a country so eternal will survive to see better days.
It's a bit daunting to review each story individually, but I can say each was a treat to read. This is my first introduction to fiction with a Japan theme. It won't be my last, though, not with this talented roster. I'll be checking out their work.
Aside from Japan, a recurring theme was justice. Some find it, some don't. In the wake of a tragedy that still seems so unjust, that theme speaks loud and clear. Nature is cruel. It knows no justice, because nothing can deny it.
All you can do is plan for it. Which is what I encourage everyone to do with this anthology.
Click here to get "Shaken: Stories for Japan" from Amazon for the Kindle. Look for it soon everywhere else.
June 23, 2011
Video: A Cool New Book Site
BookCountry.com is a new site that helps readers discover new authors and books. Sounds like every other book site, right? Well, this one has an interactive genre map. That caught my eye. What do you think?
The Ultimate Six-Pack: Drink It Up
When Trestle Press approached me with the idea of "The Ultimate Six-Pack," I said, "I didn't know you had a liquor license." After explaining why my lame sense of humor should be illegal, it was revealed that this six-pack would involve 16 works from six authors affiliated with Trestle Press.
Which ones? Vincent Zandri, Thomas White, B.R. Stateham, Giovanni Gelati, Thad Brown, Big Daddy Abel and me. Actually, that's seven, but I don't think Giovanni counted himself. No bother, we're writers, not accountants. No matter how you do the math, readers come out on top. Here's the description:
Why call it "Six-Pack" when you are actually getting 16 different stories! Good question! The Author's Lab/Collaboration series hosted by Trestle Press has taken on a life of its own and is going places and doing things that no one had imagined. Contained in this incredibly content rich download are not just the first six installments of the series but 6 more short stories, one by each of the contributing authors. Hold on, we aren't done yet; there are the opening chapters of four full length novels for you to sample. 16 stories in total, one great download from 6 authors that had a blast creating innovative, intense, action packed, humorous content for you the reader.
Here is the lineup of author's and the stories they have contributed:
Vincent Zandri- "Down Low-Dead" and "Burn It"
Big Daddy Abel- "The Jersey Shore Has Eyes'- and "Open Mic Volume One"
Thomas White- "G.S.I. Gelati's Scoop Investigations Psychotic Detectives", "Hunter" and the beginning of the full length novel "Justice Rules"
Benjamin Sobieck- "Who Whacked The Blogger" and the beginning of the full length novel "Cleansing Eden"
Thad Brown-"Thad and The G-Man's Most Awesome Adventure" and "Cops and Robbers" from the Smoking Gun Sisterhood series.
B.R. Stateham – "Hotel Beaumont" , "They Call Me Smitty", the beginning of "Death of a Young Lieutenant" and also the beginning of "Roland of the High Crags: Evil Arises"
Giovanni Gelati- "I Have Chrome Balls, Don't You?"
It's a real honor to be a part of this collection. I guarantee you'll have a great time with these stories. They're just plain fun, both to read and to write.
It's out on Amazon right now for $4.99. Yeah, it's the highest-priced thing Trestle Press offers right now. But the value for your dollar is through the gal-damn roof.
Click here to get "The Ultimate Six-Pack" on Amazon.
Nookies, look for it to hit Barnes & Noble soon.
Click here to get it from Smashwords for all e-reader formats or to read on your computer.
