Max Scratchmann's Blog, page 14

Laugh, Clown, Laugh

It's a popular misconception that some clapping equals love,

That to please some hick-town-audience is like mana from above,

That their grudging grunts of pleasure mean you're taken to their hearts,

But there's more to art than pleasing them, you're the sum of all your parts.

For a people-pleasing artist is like a fish on desert sand,
A blindly flailing halibut who is pleading for their hand,
They will salt you and they'll vinegar you then they'll scrunch you to a ball,
Then throw you to the...

Who do you write like?

I had always thought in writing that I had a unique voice

But a computer went and told me that I write like old James Joyce,

B'jabers, folks, I had no clue, that I could write the craik,

And pen a stream of consciousness whilst lying on my back.

So pour me out a pint of black that's brewed in Dublin town,

And I'll spew out some gibberish without a grunt or frown,

"It was a dull and rainy day, O'Mally shines his shoes,

And eats his oatmeal breakfast whilst the well-bored audience boos".

So...

These Songs of Freedom

Oh me name is John Paul Dawkins and I'm fat as fat can be,

I eat sardines for me breakfast and kippers for me tea,

I take the car to Asda's, I certainly never walk,

And load it up with six-packs, and I will never balk.

Me wife is called Vanessa, she has sixty double Dees,

And a belly that is off the scale when she eats mushy peas,

She likes to watch her videos of people working out,

And then we order pizza and eat it while we shout:

Oh we are western citizens, we live in the free world,
We like ...

Afternoon Love

Frederica McCafferty Gladstone-McGee,

Was a girl who was always late for her tea.

At lunch she was punctual, at breakfast on time,

But for tea she was often later than nine.

Her mother said, Freddie, this cannot go on,

The crumpets are frozen, there's no hope for the scone,

The toast it is wilting, the teapot quite cold,

And every blesséd teatime my daughter I scold.

Well, Mummy, I'll tell you what causes my lateness,
I stay after school to improve on my greatness.
Nice try, said her mother...