Max Scratchmann's Blog, page 10
February 14, 2011
Indoor Games Near Kirkton
I have always adored Indoor Games Near Newbury, John Betjamen's tale of gentle first love set against a backdrop of Art Deco Buckinghamshire. Then I got to wondering, what if it were set in my own childhood in 1960s Scotland….
Chip shop signs and broken windows, light the lights of our Cortina, as we drive to Wendy's party, pink sair heids and plates o' mince,
And we meet your crooked cousins, Bill the Blade and Cross-Eyed Vince.
"Come in young ains, see a swetchy, gie's a fag and see's a beer,
Snoggin's OK, but nae gropin', we'll nae have nae nonsense here!"
"Meet me when they're pissed as plovers, by the meter, 'neath the stair,
I'll gie you a right good snoggin', and show you my pubic hair."
Wendy, Wendy, sent the fairies, brother Frank and boyfriend Twinky,
Showed me how to buy a condom from their local all-night Chinky.
Oh that dark and smelly cupboard, scents of puke and skelléd beer,
Wendy's hand my fly unzipping, oh my god, it's happening here,
Goodbye innocence, bye virginity, childhood's over, just like that,
Lost it all at Wendy's party, in a Kirkton council flat.
Amazon USA
Kindle USA
Amazon UK
Kindle UK
February 12, 2011
Three Love Poems for St Valentine's Day
1
I love you, she gasps
You're a two-timing whore, he rasps
She slaps him in the face
He rips her bodice lace
Oh Sir, you cannot
Dot dot dot
2
Riding o'er the hills at sunset, Bonnie Face and Lightning Lad,
Wax moustachioed villain follows, yes, we know he's really bad,
There's a shoot out, in the gully, hero's wounded, villain's dead,
Sun it sinks behind the curtain, think it's time for Bonnie's bed,
See the shutters, see the shadows, drawing long o'er Bonnie's cot,
Now she's ready, now door opens, now it's time for
Dot dot dot.
3
Ponytail upon her scooter, meeting Leather Biker Hunk,
Drive-in fodder, raunchy retro, healthy hunk of brawn and junk,
Hips together, getting steamy, will she yield or will she not?
Fifites brassiere, out of sweater, sweaty hands on
Dot dot dot.
Amazon USA
Kindle USA
Amazon UK
Kindle UK
February 7, 2011
Love Is Blind
The clerk sat in his office dark and sang a song of love,
Oh Cynthia Smith of Goods Received, you are my turtle dove.
I love your stiff and tweedy skirts, your sensible leather brogues,
I love the way you suck your tea and call your colleagues rogues.
I love your bent patrician nose, your pebble-lenséd specs,
Your cane, your limp, your hacking cough, the way you stumble on the decks.
I love the way you sniff each day, that drip on your pretty nose,
And how you pick your yellowed teeth and dribble when you doze.
So spare my heart, my life, my love, please say that you'll be mine,
I'll cook for you some brains on toast, if you'll be my Valentine.
Amazon USA
Kindle USA
Amazon UK
Kindle UK
January 27, 2011
Scots Way-Hey!
Oh what have we poor Scotties done to be belittled by the Sun,
And ghettoed by our native host, the editor of the Sunday Post?
It's no wonder that we feel so ratty,
When lunch is always Mince and Tattie,
And teatime fiends do come and rag us
As we sit down to chips and haggis.
In clothing stores we're served by Martin,
Who kits us out in scarlet tartan,
Assisted by his side-kick, Milt,
Who does insist we wear the kilt,
And folk at parties think it's funny
To say how tight we are with money
And Harry Lauder jokes abound,
On how we'll never spend a pound,
And even Lairds admit their roots,
Were spiky lads in tackity boots.
Oh send Proud Edward home to Crewe,
And put an end to this to-do,
We never dress in scarlet tartan
And ne'er drink whiskey from the carton.
Amazon USA
Kindle USA
Amazon UK
Kindle UK
January 21, 2011
Olfactory Hallucinations
If roses smelt like kippers and slippers smelt like jam,
We'd all eat gorgonzola and parsley-flavoured ham,
If chocolate had a roast beef taste and mutton smelt like rice,
Our tables would boast castor oil, although it wasn't nice!
Amazon USA
Kindle USA
Amazon UK
Kindle UK
January 9, 2011
The Boy Who Wanted to be in Buñuel
Oliver Academy Nelson O'Dell,
Was a boy who wanted to be in Buñuel,
He cut off his ears and cut off his feet,
Stuck scissors up his nose and had nothing to eat,
But all the surrealists laughed and said,
We applaud your effort, but Buñuel is dead.
Amazon USA
Kindle USA
Amazon UK
Kindle UK
January 8, 2011
The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets' Nest
Thunk!
Buzzz!
Buzzz! Buzzz! Buzzz!
Buzzz! Buzzz! Buzzz! Buzzz!
Ow! Yow! Wow!
Owwwww!!!!
Amazon USA
Kindle USA
Amazon UK
Kindle UK
January 5, 2011
Kiss Kiss
Albert Alonzo Montgomery Liszt,
Was a boy who had never, ever been kissed,
He'd evaded his Granny and her two elder sisters,
And old Aunty Ethel, the one who had whiskers.
Plus Tabitha, Jessica, and blonde Anne Marie,
The girls that his mother invited to tea,
Who stood at the door with faces up-turned,
But Albert said, Ladies, my favoured are earned,
So pack up your powder and cherry lip gloss,
I don't want your kisses, I don't give a toss.
And thus he remained for three years and ten,
Till his twenty-first birthday shattered his Zen,
For in walked the girlies, who still numbered three,
Tabitha, Jessica and blonde Anne Marie,
And he gasped at their legs and their tans through their hose,
Then up-turned his gaze, said, Where'd ya get those!
I've reached my majority, my embargo I'll lift,
I'm ready and willing and able to be kissed!
But they looked at him witheringly, said, Go take a hike,
We're not going to kiss you, so scat, on yer bike!
Amazon USA
Kindle USA
Amazon UK
Kindle UK
January 2, 2011
2010 in Review
The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here's a high level summary of its overall blog health:
The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads This blog is doing awesome!.
Crunchy numbers
A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 1,600 times in 2010. That's about 4 full 747s.
In 2010, there were 118 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 125 posts. There were 5 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 562kb.
The busiest day of the year was December 2nd with 37 views. The most popular post that day was How the Grinch Stole Christmas.
Where did they come from?
The top referring sites in 2010 were en.wordpress.com, blogcatalog.com, sg.yfittopostblog.com, chancery-is-god.com, and alphainventions.com.
Some visitors came searching, mostly for comic verse, "max scratchmann", literary parodies, comic verse poem, and how the grinch stole christmas parody.
Attractions in 2010
These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.
1
How the Grinch Stole Christmas November 2010
2
A Boys Book of Muffs January 2010
3
Song of the Serial Killer Babies February 2010
4
About Max Scratchmann December 2009
1 comment
5
Christmas in the Shopping Mall December 2010
