Tony Bertauski's Blog, page 16

The Amazon BreakDOWN Award

Thank you, Amazon.

Thank you for showing me what a stooge I am.

Amazon does this contest every year called the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award. ABNA, for those in the know. It's for all the millions of cold novelists left shivering outside of traditional publishing. You got a novel, you say? Well, be one of the first 5000 to enter and you could win a publishing contract and a $15,000 advance.

15 large, folks.

15 big.



Like most writers, I'm not after the money even though I would spend it with a smile. I'm more interested in jump-starting my (for the most part) unknown work. You know, something to get the freight train of money rolling. (Okay, I want the money.)

Last year, my novel The Discovery of Socket Greeny made it to the quarterfinals. This year, though, this year I was going all the way. The Annihilation of Foreverland is off to a great start with great reviews. I wasn't worried about the first round, from 5000 entries to 1000. In fact, I was so confident that the voice in my head sounded a little like Thurston Howell, III.

I just need to get this EASY first round out of the way. It's almost a waste of my time to search the list but, you know, just to see my name. It's going to be much harder when I get to the second and third round--

No name.

I checked it again. And again. Again.

I read all the names, all 5000, just in case it wasn't in order. Then I checked all the novel titles, in case they mixed my name up with someone else. Then I checked a different list, in case they put me in the wrong contest.

Total times reading the list: 12.

This includes the time I checked it two days later. That was yesterday.

I guess that means I'm out.

When the Candyhouse is Rocking

My sister-in-law's family is uber-athletic.

Three kids that eat, sleep and breathe baseball, softball and football. Their rooms are decorated with fatheads of Albert Pujols and shelves of shiny, metal awards. They throw like polished athletes. They own two state championships and only one of them is old enough to drive.

Two. State. Championships. And they're not driving.

Yeah.

We're the artsy-fartsy family. We dance, write, design, skateboard and ride horses. We've hit no homeruns, scored zero touchdowns, and never struck out. Our shelves have never seen a trophy. But we can make one mean candyhouse.

We were challenged to a gingerbread house contest. Two families. Two kits. Add any materials you want, as long as they're edible.

You have 90 minutes.

Go.

Behold.
A State Champion.
Left: Pretzel horse with broccoli pasture and chocolate chip dookieCenter: Fruit rollup halfpipe and pretzel stick framingRight: Graham cracker outhouse with chocolate "filling"Corners of house: Lifesaver rainbarrels and pretzel stick firewoodRoof: Broccoli green roof with MMs Starburst sidewalkBroccoli shrubbery

INSIDE Pretzel wood floorMM dance floorCandy cane "exercise" pole.

A trophy, at last.

Two mustaches. One Plane.

I was 22. That was the first time I flew in a plane.

As the jet ascended into the clouds, I had a thought. I need to jump.


Two months later, I talk a buddy into parachuting with me. We spend most of a Saturday learning how to jump and what to expect. Most of that time we're signing documents that clear their ass. In case something went wrong, it was our fault. Not the instructors.



So me and my buddy, each with our cheesy 22 year old mustaches, climb into a small plane with a Jump Master. We have on jumpsuits and helmets. The Jump Master wears shorts and flip-flops. At 3000 feet, we jump out of a perfectly good plane. My buddy goes first.

When the door opens, he turns the color of bleached snow and moves like rigor mortis. It takes a steady hand from the Jump Master to get him out on the wing. He stands just outside the door and looks back.

And then, whooosh.

I go next. This insanity is my idea. I put my foot on the small platform, slightly wider than  my boot. I grab the strut beneath the wing. And, like I was instructed after signing my life away, I step off the platform so that I'm dangling from the wing. I look back at the Jump Master.

Thumbs up.

Release.

The static line crashes my chute open. And I'm drifting. Thousands of feet above the ground. I can see for miles.

Slowly, I fall.

Fall to the ground.

If only I could fall that gracefully every moment of my life.

Like A Boss

It was a gala fundraiser.

I was a lowly volunteer helping with the silent auction. He was sitting in a corner, busy on an iPad. He appeared to be a supervisor of some sort. Events like that require a lot of organization, and this was no exception. So maybe he was one of the organizer-ers.

Later that night, he pulled me aside. "I need some help at the refrigerator."

No problem. Maybe something heavy needed moved. Maybe an urgent delivery needed delivering. I'm your man.

I opened the fridge, there were six bottles of craft beer. Expensive beer. He's said they need moved.

All six of them.



"Okay. Well, do you have a bag?"

He got one. He held it open while I put them inside. Then he set it on the end of a very long counter where all the other silent auction items (none within my pay range) were being organized for attendees to pick up. He said he'd let me take the bag of beer (expensive and craft) to where it belonged.

He pointed ten feet down the counter. "Right there."

All right. So I took the bag of beer. He followed me ten feet down the bar and pointed to the empty spot. I placed it on the empty spot.

He said thank you. Returned to corner. Returned to the iPad.

I thought, maybe he had a really, really bad back. Maybe he thought I'd enjoy moving expensive beer.

Or maybe he was just practicing supervisor-ing.

When You Can't Go Back

Alex Honnold is a free climber. There's another word for that.

Maniac.

He climbs thousands of feet, straight up a cliff, with no rope, no helmet. Nothing. Proof that he's never made a mistake, he's still alive.

During one climb, a veteran climber analyzes his ascent. About a thousand feet up, he notes that Alex's next step -- a tricky one that bridges a gap -- is a one-way street. He can't cross it the other direction. At that point, there's only one way out.

Up.



There are moments we can't undo. Moments that change the course of our life, forever. Sometimes we choose those moments. We say something  or do something and because of us, relationships change. Our mind may alter; our emotions, too. We may even change those around us. Sometimes the moments we choose change for the good. Sometimes, the bad.

And sometimes, those moments choose us.

Life inserts itself into our little private life of wants and desires, of fears and dislikes. We cross a gap that can never be crossed again. The only way is up.

By all accounts, Alex Honnold seems crazy. But he doesn't just find a mountain and climb it. He studies it. He prepares for it. He gets ready for it. And when he's fully present, he ascends to the top.

The gaps are always coming. We have to be ready.

Or we just might fall.

The Magical Midget Ninjas

Dane is 7.

He told me there are magical midget ninjas that go to his school. Oh, yeah? I ask. What are their powers?

"Umm, well, they can jump."

Okay. Not really magical, but maybe if it's really, really high, then okay. What else?

"Umm, well, they can climb walls."

You mean like really smooth walls, where there's nothing to grab onto? In that case, I'll take it. What else?

"Umm, they can turn invisible."

Invisibility? Now we're talking. I mean, if you got midgets that are magical, invisibility is a homerun, lil' buddy. But, I told him, I think next time I'd lead off with the invisibility thing. If they're ninjas, we know they can jump and climb.



Dane was just getting warmed up. They could also shoot. Transport, shrink, and fly. Oh, and they help Santa deliver presents.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop the clock. They help Santa? You're talking about THOSE magical midgets. (By the way, is "midget" a bad word?)

Ten minutes later, we sorted out the magical and mysterious ways of the midget ninjas. And I got the kernel for my next novel. Ideas start that way, with an innocent comment. Something shifts, something unfolds. By the time I write it, it probably won't have anything to do with midgets and magic.

It'll be a serious take, a sci-fi story, about the fat man himself.

The initial stages have begun. Let the sun shine down. Let the story grow and jump and climb. And not be invisible.



CLAUSThe Legend of the Fat ManA Novel

Merry Christmas at WalMart

"Merry Christmas," the guy says.

He's wearing camoflauge pants, a Ghostbusters t-shirt and a stringy beard. He's wearing mirrored sunglasses. Inside Wal-Mart.

"Merry Christmas to you." I go back to look at the beer. He's in the wine section. I'm thinking of getting--

"How you doing?" he asks.

"Good. How are you?"

"Doing just fine, buddy. How are you?"

Okay. I just answered that, but okay. "I fine."

"How's your mother?" he asks.



Okay, this is where it starts going off the tracks. I don't know this guy. If I did, he wouldn't know my mother. And she's doing fine, always has been, so there would never be any reason to ask. But I'm in Wal-Mart. Maybe he's looking for a friend. I'm looking for milk and beer.

"She's good," I say. "You have yourself a Merry Christmas, all right, my friend?"

He says, with a smile, "Hey, you, too. Buddy."

And then he comes in for it. He's an isle away, but he comes with his arms out. He's coming hard and I'm cornered between packages of Budweiser and Miller Lite. I'm about to get shanked in Wal-Mart. But he wraps his arms around me, he says, "You have a Merry Christmas, buddy."

I give him a pat on the back. There are no cameras. No one watching. Just one guy hugging another in the beer isle of Wal-Mart. Because it's Christmas.

It's Christmas, buddy. Relax.

He's Not Real. There, I Said It. (Sort of)

Blasphemy.

I couldn't even say it in the title, just in case some little kid accidentally saw it. I didn't want to scar him. But I'll say it now.

Santa's not real.

Me (circa. 1970). Opening a present from "Santa".
I grew up like most American kids, writing letters to the fat man, hoping he'd look past all my transgressions and bring me that GI Joe with the kung-fu grip. I watched all the Christmas movies that made adults look like buffoons because they didn't believe and I sang songs about magic reindeer and put out cookies and came down Christmas morning to see nothing but crumbs. And under the tree, the payoff was wrapped in ribbon.

GI Joe... kung-fu gripping.

But then a neighbor's dad spilled the beans. I was 9. (I think. God, I hope I wasn't 15.) I confronted my parents and they came clean.

Yep. Santa, he's not real. We've been lying aaaalllll this time.

I think this is the part where most well-adjusted kids just go with the flow. After all, we were getting presents from Santa, who cares if he's imaginary. Who cares if we were told 1 million times that we just have to believe he's real and he'll be real. Because if we don't believe, well then it sucks to be you.

Who cares if we got punished for lying about who broke the window and we got grounded for losing our grade cards when we really lit them on fire and we got disciplined for making up a story about why we were late for dinner (something about a flat tire and a hobo). Who cares that we'd end up on the naughty list for all that lying and we'd get coal in our stocking for all that lying and we could wave goodbye to GI JOE AND HIS GODDAMN KUNG-FU GRIP.

Who cares, right?

Falling in the Plot Hole

I was asked why I write fiction.

After all, I don't make much money. Few people read it. Seems like a waste of time. All valid points. Years ago, I didn't have a good answer. I enjoy it, sure. I secretly wish to make millions, okay.

Here's another: It's a challenge.

It's like solving an intricate puzzle, piecing together a mystery or discovering something new, something that's never been done. It's not as easy as it sounds.

Here's why. You start with a set of characters. They need to be consistent and they need to grow. There needs to be a plot, one that's compelling. And, most importantly, it needs to mean something. I mean, Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water... doesn't do it. Strive for something that impacts your reader with an ending they didn't see coming three pages into the story.



My latest endeavor, The Identity Thief, just collapsed only 40 pages from the end. When you're 70,000 words into the work, you'll do anything to avoid seeing the plot holes. But the characters were inconsistent and their actions unbelievable. It might be something as simple as why the character just didn't lock the door.

Here's an example of what I mean. The Maze Runner, a very popular YA science fiction novel, ended with one of the characters jumping in front of a knife to save another character. I realize that all fiction requires, to some extent, suspension of disbelief... but jumping in front of a knife?

Plot hole. It'll swallow the entire story.



So The Identity Thief will require a new foundation. It needs to be reexamined and built anew. So that when I'm finished, I've got the satisfaction of building something worthwhile.

Face to Face.

I had my eyes molested.

It happened during an eye exam. The office was small, located in a strip mall. The room was in the back. The doctor looked to be about 70. He was nice enough, explained things thoroughly, wrote everything down. I felt pretty good that he knew what he was doing, despite the elephant skin.


Then he gets to the end of the exam. He has to look inside my eyeballs. He holds up a bright light and begins to lean in. He smells like a leather couch. A clean couch, but an old one. He's breathing loud and he leans in some more. Then he leans in some more.

Then some more.

Until the back of his hand is pressed against my cheek. The only thing separating his face from mine are his leather couch fingers.

Let me recap. I'm in a dark room in the back of a strip mall with an old man pushing his face against mine.

"No glaucoma in there," he finally announces.

What a relief.