Rochelle H. Ragnarok's Blog, page 2

Never Let Go is out now!

Dai is forced to leave high school after his grandfather falls ill.  Enlisting the help of Kaito Kane, Dai travels to his family estate to face the past which has haunted him for years.

Dai returns to Japan determined to put his life together and finds himself in the arms a former lover.  However, his lover’s desperation to build a family with Dai may have serious consequences which could destroy his friendships forever.

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Congrats to the Winners

My Goodreads Giveaway has come to an end!

319 entered to win a free autographed copy of my fourth and final installment of my Boys in Love series titled “Never Let Go”

Congrats to the Winners!

 Nickie Brunner


Shauna Comire
Rhonda farrell
G. Boonstra
Teri Irish

Goodreads giveaway starting Jun 5th!

Goodreads Book Giveaway







Never Let Go



by Rochelle H. Ragnarok

Giveaway ends June 12, 2015.

See the giveaway details

at Goodreads.

Enter to Win

No nudity INSIDE the book?

C’mon Smashwords!

So, apparently Smashwords will not include my book in their premium library due to the nudity inside the book. I’ve never had this issue before– now suddenly it’s a problem. *sigh*  At first it was my book covers, I had to add little blotches to censor the pictures. I understood it because it was the cover but the inside of the book should be a different story.  If a person looks inside the book and are offended by drawings of good looking nude men then they’ve obviously picked up the wrong book.

Oh well. I had to remove the drawings from my ebook.  :(

Never Let Go Free Giveaway!

Goodreads Giveaway Starting Jun 4th!

Enter for a chance to win a free autographed copy!

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Never Let Go: Chapter Five (Preview)

Chapter Five

Kaito Kane pressed his back against his soft office chair and gazed at the barrel ceiling finding comfort in the warm tones of neutral colors. His office was much better than the cold steel of his adopted father’s design. The French windows with blue glass served to illuminate the soft modern contemporary room. The large mocha colored plantation hardwood cabinetry expanded the entire length of the wall which housed the flat screen TV and the various collectables he had picked up over time. To make his office more inviting for personal meetings he included a sitting area with four cream colored sofa chairs surrounding a beautiful Tao square coffee table with a deco chandelier of parchment color and black framing. Everything he ordered created the atmosphere of a home rather than a place of business right down to the large white area floor rug which covered the black granite floor. He even trashed the executive desk in favor of the L-unit which he considered far more efficient than the desk that was more of a symbol of power than an effective work area. He dusted the maverick charcoal colored surface and rolled over to his computer looking over current sales projections of a recent game hitting the stores last week.

He leaned back and stretched his long limbs, the day was nearly over and all he wanted to do was call Dai to see how he was doing.

The familiar sound alerted him to the arrival of a new email message and he clicked the button hoping it was nothing too important; he was ready to file it under ‘I’ll get to it tomorrow’ and head out the door:

‘Congrats to Dai for his promotion to head CGI coordinator. You might want to reread the company blog before sending it.

Satoshi

LOL!’

“What the hell is he talking about?” Kane mumbled, he checked his sent messages box. He had sent out several emails congratulating several employees who had shown merit within the company. He looked up the CGI coordinator message and sure enough Dai’s name was in place of his employee. He sighed rubbing the bridge of his nose before beginning a correction email. He cursed himself. He was so out of it.

Just then the phone ranged. He knew who it was before he even looked at the I.D. He pushed the speaker button to talk.

“What is it, Satoshi?” He said annoyed because he knew what was coming.

All he heard was laughter on the other end. “Lucky I caught that. See, I can be useful when I feel like it.” The raspy voice said on the other end.

“I don’t know what I was thinking.” Kane squeezed the bridge of his nose. “Shouldn’t you be in class?”

“I’m at lunch!” Satoshi said indignant. “Besides, I know what you were thinking.” His voice then took on a playful mocking tone. “I miss you Dai! I’m thinking only about you my love and want you with me!”

They both laughed.

“Satoshi, I honestly don’t know what happened.”

“Sure you don’t.” Satoshi didn’t believe a word of it. “Are you two love birds yet?”

“Love birds?” Kane repeated after a pause. “Dai and I were lovers, but that was a long time ago. Right now he’s with Shouta. For whatever good that’s doing him.”

“What do you mean?”

“Dai’s grandfather is sick and if it weren’t for me he never would have known what was going on. It’s obvious there is more going on he’s not telling me and what the hell good is Shouta, nothing!”

“What’s wrong with his grandfather?”

“He’s dying.”

“Oh. Wow.” Satoshi sighed on the other end. “If you feel like you would be the better man then why not just take him like you take everything else in life?”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Yes it is. You and Dai have a connection, it’s like Karma or something cosmic.”

“What?”

“It’s something my girlfriend told me. You never really break a connection with someone you have been intimate with, so if you haven’t seen them in a while and you suddenly begin thinking of them, then your subconscious mind could be sending you a message.”

Kane laughed. This was just too much. “Don’t tell me you’re into that hocus pocus hippy stuff?”

Satoshi settled down on the other end and for a brief moment and became silent. “You know what I think?” He finally spoke.

“I have a feeling you’re going to tell me any way.”

“You and Dai belong together. I’ve wanted you two to hook up since our ski trip. I don’t know why it never happened.”

Kane sighed. “We’re friends now…” When he heard the grunt on the other end he huffed. “Okay, so what should I do?

Just go to his house and say ‘hey Dai what are you waiting for, let’s get this started.’ Is that what I should do?”

“Yep. Good luck! That’s the bell. Tell me how it goes!” He hung up the phone without giving Kane a moment to reply.

“Kids.” Kane hung up and continued the corrections to his email. “Fuck it!” He groaned before closing his laptop and grabbing his coat. He had to see Dai to settle things between them for better or worse.

Aya checked her watch with a heavy heart. She had no idea what to say to Kei. Her hands trembled but not from the cold. She groaned and gathered up her books marching out the door. There was no need to know her score for the last set of exams, she scored near top of the class.

“Okay, I’m just going to do it and get it over with.” She mumbled to herself. “At least it’ll be out in the open and we can laugh about this…yeah cause this is so funny.” Her voice took on a high pitched nervous streak.

When she entered her home she kicked off her shoes feeling the weight dissipate from her feet. She enjoyed the lovely freedom. She pumped herself up the entire walk home and not wanting to waste an ounce of time; lest she change her mind, she dialed Kei as soon as she tossed her pack on the bed.

“Hey Kei. Busy?” She asked suddenly struck with the overwhelming desire to just hang up.

He replied with a groggy voice on the other end. “No. I was actually asleep but I shouldn’t be.”

“Sleeping on the job, tsk tsk.” She laughed hoping she wasn’t laughing too loud.

Kei chuckled on the other end. “I’m glad you called. It’ll keep me awake.”

Aya entered the kitchen and noticed a large envelope on the table with her name on it. “Glad I can help…you know, keep you awake…for work.” She laughed nervously. She awkwardly begged herself to stay in control. ‘This is just a friendly call. Oh god!’

“What is it?” Kei asked hearing her gasps.

“Oh my God.” Aya said in complete disbelief.

“What’s going on?” Kei laughed hoping it wasn’t serious.

“Julliard accepted me. They accepted me!” Aya exclaimed, the letter trembling in her excited hands. “I need to get my visa together and proof of my finances! I gotta call my parents…”

“That’s great news!”

“Oh Kei.” Aya just realized he was on the other end. “Thank you.” She hesitated for a moment. “I…”

“I’ll let you off to call your parents. I knew you could do it.”

“Thank you.” She replied defeated.

Dai trekked the city streets in a hurry to get home. He searched his mind for the right words to say to him once he entered. ‘Perhaps I should just be honest with him about quitting school .’ he thought before expelling it from his mind. ‘It’s too soon.’ he stood at the large crosswalk listening to the sound of the little tune signaling the blind to cross. The various students, businessmen, and laborers filled the wet streets coming from nearly every direction and Dai pushed past the crowd finally reaching the sidewalk. The one thing he hated about Tokyo were the massive crowds, but the street performers, crazies, and drunken depressed corporate losers more than made up for it. There was a mixture of sweet and sour in the city atmosphere, a sort of seedy under belly he had grown addicted to. The city was certainly a tale of two faces; from the cute mascots used to draw in tourists co-existing with a Yakuza office openly advertised next door. The intoxicating darkness and light existing side by side. The rain did nothing to wash the dirt away and Dai didn’t have any regrets over his lack of an umbrella. It was wet and he shivered from the cold, but he was nearly home. The muffled tune whistled in his pocket and he dug icy hands inside taking hold of the source.

“Aya.”

“I got into Julliard!”

“Shit! Really?! That’s great news!” Dai exclaimed proudly

“I know I know! I just got off the phone with my parents. I have so much I have to do to prepare.”

Dai smiled. “When are you leaving?”

“Fall. But my father contacted some family in America and I may go early. Just to get used to being there before starting school.”

“You have no idea how proud I am of you.”

“Thank you!”

“Does anyone else know?”

“Kei does, that’s because I was on the phone with him.”

Dai had almost forgotten about her feelings for him. “Ah. How is it talking to him knowing that you really have feelings for him?”

“It sucks. I actually called to confessed how I feel about him but…”

“But…”

“I chickened out when I got the letter.”

“Aya!”

“I couldn’t help it! I know I suck right now. I thought that maybe I can just get it out and everything will be okay. We can all laugh about it and move on. But there is always that ‘what if’ at the back of my mind that if it could work out it would be ruined because I would be half way around the world.”

“So never telling him is for the best?”

“Yes…I think…yes it is.” Aya sighed. “I hate life. Did I mention how much I hate and love life at the same time?”

Dai laughed understanding the sentiment exactly. “You know what would cheer you up?”

“Nothing…well besides getting into my dream school.”

“Aside from that, a night out.”

“Another awkward quiet dinner with Kei’s old bat girlfriend?”

Dai burst out laughing. “Hm.” Passing the tall narrow brick building discreetly labeled ArcH Dai read the small advertisement: Mixed crowd night! Come and party with New York’s Rhythm City with opening act pop singer Domo.

“How about something loud and more exciting?”

“I’m almost afraid to ask.”

“Tomorrow night Rhythm City and Domo will be performing at Club ArcH at nine. Get dressed in something hot and we’ll have some fun.”

“Uh, won’t we get carded?”

“They rarely do. If we look good we’ll be able to get in. Trust me. I got into a lot of places with Parasitic Wasp.”

“Is this a gay club?” Aya asked apprehensively.

“Yeah, but so what? It’s mixed night. Lots of different people will be there. It’ll also make Kei uncomfortable. Get him drunk and have a little fun before you go. Perhaps a little fling will do you both some good.”

“Oh my God! I can’t believe you just said that.. oh wait. I think I can believe it now.” She laughed. “Okay, fine. I’ll be getting out of school soon and with preparing for the last of the exams and gathering all the documents for school I might be too busy to just have some fun.”

“Perfect. I’ll tell Shouta later and he’ll pass the word to Kei. You just show up fashionably late and sexy.”

“I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

Dai hung up and smiled. He knew this was going to be a much needed celebration for everyone.

When he reached his home he spotted the familiar Bugatti parked out front. He walked up to the car and peeked inside. “Kane. Here to check up on me?”

“Get in.”

Dai heard the door pop open and stood back. He hesitated for a short while before leaning in. “Just let me check up on my grandfather first.” He looked through the shop window watching the older man tinker with an old wooden toy. He wanted to go in but knew he would be in for the tongue lashing of his life. The bus honked like crazy behind them as the traffic clogged the wide streets and Dai finally took Kane up on his invite. Once the door closed Kane pulled off just as fast as he parked and Dai was glad to get out of the rain. His clothes hugged his body and his onyx hair clung to the nape of his neck in the most arousing way, which Kane noticed before focusing on the road.

“Your grandfather is home all ready?” Kane had sat outside watching the old man for nearly thirty minutes.

“He escaped the hospital I’m afraid. But he seems to be doing well.” Dai watched the rain roll down the windows for a long moment. No music or even the sounds of the radio played, just the two of them and the rain and the grey city streets. “Thank you. For everything you’ve done. Getting him the meds…and the competent doctor.”

“I’m glad I could help.”

“You did more than just help. You were there for me.”

“Why didn’t you tell me he was sick?”

“I told you why. I didn’t want to bother you.”

“You don’t have to go through something like this all by yourself.”

“I don’t know. Everyone is moving on with their lives, figuring everything out and here I am dealing with a dying grandfather…I just don’t think I can go on like this anymore.”

“It’s going to be okay. I swear.” he placed a comforting hand on Dai’s shoulder.

“I wish I can believe you.”

“You don’t have to believe me. Just trust me.”

Ginza, this one square meter of land was Tokyo’s most famous market, shopping, dining, and entertainment district featuring numerous department stores, boutiques, art galleries, cafes, restaurants, and night life. The wealthy housewives purchased their ten dollar cup of coffee and strolled down the crowded pavement with their bowtie and pink tutu wearing corgis trying to escape the rain.

The sweeping vista below the window of the thirteenth floor building seated above the Marunouchi Trust Tower was simply breathtaking. The warm tones of beige and chocolate with hints of bronze accents mingled into an environment of harmony and tranquility. The Shangri La Hotel was where business and pleasure intertwined, from the Imperial Palace and Ginza shopping district to hopping on a bullet train to anywhere in Tokyo. But shopping and bullet trains were the least of the two men’s concerns as they entered the expansive Presidential suite. Dai looked at the high ceiling, taking stock of the warm wood, bronze, and glass which blended together with richness. Dai looked past the living room toward the dining area and shook his head. This room was larger than his entire apartment, he suddenly wanted to jump on the plush charcoal colored sofa tossing the exotic pillows about before kicking his feet up on the beige settee with a good book.

Dai had to almost remember to think of why he was brought here to begin with. Dai looked Kane up and down, his tailored grey business suit now shown a few stains from the rain and he watched as Kane removed his long black coat and hung it in the closet. He continued to scope out his fully developed body. Broad shouldered, lean muscle tone. He turned away; always aroused whenever he lingered too long on the man before him.

‘Why am I here. That’s what I need to focus on.’

Without saying anything Kane sat down on the sofa crossing his legs and watched Dai, his attraction for him flaring in full force. Not looking at him and keeping his eyes on the road was all he could do to keep himself in check. If his eyes had lingered on him for more than he did he would have pulled that car over on the street and took him right there in front of everyone, not giving a damn if anyone saw the rocking car.

Kane sat there, his eyes burning, locked on his target like an eagle, Dai returned the gaze but only for a moment before embarrassment took hold and he looked away. He thought it would be better to talk about something, anything that would break this torturous silence.

“So, what type of food do they have here?”

“I can’t stop thinking of you.”

Silence. Dai was confused, why would Kane say this now? “Kane . . . ”

“I wasn’t prepared for how I would really feel. Knowing that I would be saying this but I know this is right.”

A warm wave rippled down his spin and his heart pounded fiercely. He felt the same way. Kane brought out a mixture of emotions he wasn’t prepared to handle.

“Dai, I want to talk to you, really talk to you, about everything.”

“Is that why you brought me here?”

“Yes. I wanted us to be completely alone.” He shifted almost nervously and suddenly the warm room didn’t feel as such. He felt his muscles stiffen and the water rolling down the inside of his shirt tickled him but he made no move.

“Dai. I need to get this out.” He rubbed his hands together. “When I was young I was a fool. I was a cruel, selfish, bastard. Even when I had you I chose to let you go over a fucking piece of plastic and I would have been okay with never knowing you again. But you came back…we…for some reason, managed to maintain contact and even become friends but I have always thought about what it would be like if I wasn’t such an idiot.”

“Kane.”

“I want to make up for that.”

His symmetrical lips fell and his normal conquering face and virile body relaxed. The tiny droplets of water seemed to form stars on the dark canvas of his buzz cut. Kane crossed his strong fingers, he didn’t really know what to say, or perhaps he did but the words would not come. Fear kept them shut. He needed to play it safe, no he decided to do so.

To talk himself out of believing his words meant anything more than an apology. A lie.

Dai smiled softly and walked toward him, removing his coat and tossing it to the settee and sat on the sofa next to his former lover feeling the cushion sink gently. Dai reached out taking Kane’s hand in his feeling the heat and the rising heartbeat. “Kane, you don’t owe me anything, and you don’t have to make up for the decisions you’ve made in the past. The only person you can make it up to is whomever you fall in love with, either now or in the future.”

“That’s just it. I don’t want anyone else but you.”

Kane reached over lightly touching Dai’s cheek, then leaned in for a kiss. Feeling Kane’s soft lips pressed against his was enough to make Dai submit. He gave in and deepened the kiss. Kane guided their bodies to lie on the cushion.

They both, knowing what the other wanted, shifted until Kane rolled on top. They begin to grind their hips pressing their groins in an effort to satisfy their growing urge.

Kane broke the kiss and moved to licking and suckling his neck which was still wet from the rain. Dai removed Kane’s damp shirt and worked his way to his pants as Kane removed his school jacket and shirt.

“Oh Kane. I want you.” Dai moaned.

Something hazy in the background of his mind, he couldn’t make it out. He strained against his pants, he wanted Kane inside him. He wrapped his legs around his waist to pull him closer to the area needing the most attention. NoticingKane working his pants loose with increased frenzy he released him. Kane sat up and removed the remainder of Dai’s clothes and his own. Kane drank in every part of the naked body under him. Slight differences of course, but still very much the same. He wondered if Dai was still nipple sensitive as he leaned in to lick, suck and play with the area. He was right, Dai’s soaking wet head shot back onto the little decorative pillows–he moaned in pleasure. Dai lifted his head and they both met each other’s lips with a kiss. They grinded their groins together as their tongues continued their playful dance.

Amidst the hazy cloud Dai began to see the figure in his mind more clearly . . .

He kissed Kane’s shoulder and buried his face in his neck taking in the scented cologne he wore.

The mist began to dissipate . . .

Kane grabbed Dai’s leg lifting it over his shoulder, he spat into his hand using his salvia to tease the opening.

Shouta flashed with intensity in Dai’s mind jolting him out of his spell and he escaped from the couch rolling off the swanky couch.

“Kane! I’m sorry. I’m so sorry!”

What the hell just happened here?’ Kane thought sitting up watching his soon-to-be lover shake with fear.

“Kane. I can’t do this.”

Dai grabbed his clothes and tried to put them on the best way he could, but his arms and legs felt like wet noodles. An arm around his waist pulled him back to sofa.

“Dai, relax, what’s wrong?”

Dai’s thin brow knitted, his handsome features fell into a perfect state of despair. Kane rubbed Dai’s back gently to try and calm him down; It seemed to work.

“I can’t do this, what was I thinking?” Dai hid his head in his hands with shame.

Kane understood the cause of his grief, ‘the blond.’ He mentally kicked himself for doing it this way. He had no intention of letting his confession go this far. But the die was cast and he had to keep going or lose. “Damn it! Don’t flake out on me now.” He firmly demanded.

Dai watched him for a long moment before he spoke. “Shouta. I can’t do this to him.”

“Then dump him.” Kane finally replied.

“I can’t do that!” He didn’t understand why he was so shocked at such a suggestion. Of course Kane would want him to leave Shouta.

“Why not? Dai, you felt it the same way I did.”

“It’s just attraction!” Dai stood up and moved away from the sofa.

“Attraction. Yes, that’s something we have.”

Dai nodded in agreement.

“But let’s not sell ourselves short here.”

“What do you mean?”

“This moment has been brewing in us for a long time and you know it.”

Dai knew what he said was the truth. His heart belonged to Shi and he believed he would one day see him again but his feelings for Kane never completely wavered. He stood silent for a moment as his words sunk in. But they couldn’t erase what he had with Shouta. He was his best friend and was by his side through everything.

“Dai. You and I are different from everyone else.” Kane calmly continued.

“Oh, you mean better than everyone else?” Dai almost spat out insulted. Dai stood up to grab his clothes.

“Yes!” Kane stood up and approached him. Both of them had long since forgotten they were naked, as they both stood in front of one another with no shame to cover up.

“You and I belong on a whole new level than everyone else. What’s so wrong with admitting that?”

“We’re not better than everyone else. We are the same!” Dai shouted. ‘Who the hell does he think he is to tell me I am above everyone else.’

“Your friends are just like everyone else, Shouta is just like everyone, but you and I can never be just like everyone else.”

Dai paced the room. ‘What the hell is he talking about and why is this conversation making me so nervous.’

“How have you been doing since Shi’s death?”

Dai stopped and glared at him. “What do you mean, Kane?” He said fiercely.

“I’m willing to bet anything that you’ve been struggling. Haven’t you? Struggling to find your place? Struggling to figure out where you even fit in this world? Or if you even belong here at all.”

Dai’s hard expression softened a little. Everything Kane said to him was the truth. It was as if he lived inside his mind. He felt embarrassed at having his feelings laid bare like that in front of someone, even if that person was the one doing the laying.

“Yes, you’re right. I’m not suicidal or anything but yes. I have been struggling with fitting in. Sometimes I don’t even think this is my life. Like I’m just going through the motions, hoping that I’m included somehow. It’s odd. I should be depressed or something. But no, I just feel . . . lost.”

Kane lifted Dai’s chin with his finger and lightly kissed him on the lips. “I know that because I feel the same way. I’ve gone through the motions at my company, I’ve invented new technology and games but still it’s like I’m watching a movie of my life . . . ”

“Not one I am a part of.” They both finished.

“But there are times when I’ve truly felt as if I belong.” Kane softly continued. “Whenever I’m with you. Dai, I don’t want to wake up someday as some old bitter man. I don’t think I can sit back and pretend that I’m okay with you and him together.”

Dai massaged the back of Kane’s neck and moved up for a kiss. They pressed their bodies against each other and fell back onto the sofa. Having Kane so close to him felt right, and he belonged somewhere for the first time in a long time. The world was no longer the haze he was living in. But again and as hard as it was he mustered the strength to pull away.

“I’m sorry. I can’t.”

“Yes you can. Shouta means nothing to you.”

Kane kissed him again but Dai broke free.

“He means a lot. He’s my best friend.”

“I can be your best friend.”

When Kane reached for him again he backed away.

“Shouta is a great guy. He doesn’t deserve to be cheated on!”

“It’s not cheating. We belong together, he’s going to have to find that out sooner or later.” Kane explained. “You can go to him and tell him later, but right now I just want to be with you.”

“No, he’s not going to find out because I won’t leave him.”

‘Is he even on the same planet as I?!‘ Kane thought with a mixture of confusion and fury. How could Dai deny something that was so plainly obvious to them both?

“Why?” He finally asked.

“Because he’s my friend and I care about him.”

“You can care all you like, but giving him pity fucks…?”

Dai slapped him across the face and began putting on his clothes. Kane stood there in stunned silence, if this was anyone else he would have strangled them to death on the spot, but he calmed down and tried to figure out the best way to get through to Dai. After all, you attract more flies with sugar than vinegar. Also. He believed Dai couldn’t possibly ignore what they both know is true just for Shouta.

Kane took a deep breath and grasped Dai by his arms holding him in place in front of him. Dai didn’t have time to put on anything so they were still nude before the other.

“Dai, every time you’re intimate with him it is a pity fuck. You don’t want to hurt him, not because you love him, but because he’s your friend. You care for him as a friend. Maybe he feels something besides friendship, but that doesn’t mean you have to cater to those feelings.”

“He’s more than that!” Dai protested.

“Right, that’s why you have yet to tell me you love him?”

They both fell silent and Dai took the opportunity to break free from Kane’s grip to put on his pants. Kane knew this was going nowhere—at least sexually. He picked up his clothes and put them on as well.

Before Dai could leave Kane grabbed his hand placing inside the key card for the suite.

“I don’t want to lose you and I know you don’t want to lose me. We don’t have to have sex, but I want you close to me. Whenever you want to see me here just come and call.”

Dai wanted to protest but Kane swiftly pressed his mouth against his. Dai sucked in the sweet nectar and savored it.

He eyed the door as though it led to the gas chamber. Kane respectfully stayed behind until Dai was gone. Once Dai stepped outside he felt the cool breeze and the cold rain droplets touch his skin. He was back in the real world now. A place he still didn’t feel as if he belonged.

Never Let Go: Chapter Four (Preview)

Chapter Four

The clock struck two a.m. when Dai and Aya finished cleaning the mess spilled from Benjirou’s fall and settled on the living room couch. Aya tucked her feet under herself giving them a gentle rub, happy to be out of her shoes. She wondered if it was even a good idea to keep wearing heels for her dancing career but she couldn’t help buying a pair when they struck her fancy. Dai sat on the opposite end of the old couch grabbing a throw pillow—a festive looking thing and pressed it against his belly wrapping his arms around it.

“Okay what did you want to talk about.” He shifted getting comfortable.

“It’s nothing.” She replied. “You have more important things to worry about.”

“Aya, I need to take my mind off of everything. I want to hear what’s on your mind.”

“Um… Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

Aya tried to begin with the least amount of tension. “I think I’m in love with Kei. We dated briefly…in secret for a bit…okay we went out on one date but, I don’t know.” She wringed her hands before grabbing her glass of ginger ale and taking a sip.

Dai smiled he wondered when she would eventually admit something like this.

“I knew you would react like this.” She sighed.

“I’m not making fun.” Dai replied. “I can kind of see it. The two of you have been hanging around each other a lot. Not to mention you guys are the most normal outta the bunch.” He laughed.

“It’s so weird saying it out loud.”

“Go for it.”

“I can’t, at least not now. He’s involved.”

“With some thirty year old woman. I doubt it would last.”

“Maybe. It sucks seeing him happy with someone else and our date was sort of awkward but also good. Maybe…I most likely did something to ruin it.”

“Like what?”

“I did have sex with Shouta and Kei at the same time.”

“Wait..Kei was there?!”

“You knew?!” She covered her reddened face with her hands. “Who told you?”

“Shouta.”

“I’ll kill him!” She screamed grabbing one of the other gaudy throw pillows and burying her face in it.

“It’s all right.”

“It was a stupid lapse of judgment that happen before me and Kei.”

“Big deal. You’re only human.” Dai waved it off dismissively “I doubt it would deter Kei if he really liked you and besides it builds character.”

“Slutty character.”

Dai laughed. “No. Just character. The one thing I’ve learned from everything I’ve been through so far is that nobody is perfect and there are no mistakes in life. We make whatever choices we make because at the time we thought it was the best choice or because it was fun. People who sit on their high horse passing judgment on others are typically boring assholes no one likes anyway. I say you’re better off not even having them around. The choices you’ve made in the past helped make you the person you are right now, and I think that person is awesome. If Kei doesn’t then fuck him…oh wait you already did.” He laughed and Aya pounced him with a pillow blow to the head.

“I want to tell him how I feel but we graduate soon and I’ve already sent my audition tape to Julliard. If I get in then I’ll be headed to New York.”

“At least speak to him. Trust me, I know firsthand about wasted opportunities.”

“Are you talking about you and Shouta or you and Kane?”

“About that.” Dai thought of their earlier conversation in the bathroom. “Kane and I almost had sex several months ago. Shouta and I weren’t together but…I rejected him.” Dai sighed. “And it was all because I was too afraid of regressing to the same person I was before. No, actually I was enjoying my little power trip and didn’t want to lose it to him.” He pressed his back against the corner of the couch, his arms forming a warm band around the fabric of the pillow. “Now I see him and I can’t help but think I’ve made a mistake. I still love Shouta very much but I realize there will always be something between me and Kane.”

“I get it.” Aya sat back watching Dai stare hard at the rough rug that covered the floor—nothing remarkable, just some old thing purchased at a garage sale. “Shouta has noticed.” When Dai turned to look at her she pressed on. “Anyone who sees you two together can see the attraction. It’s better to just stay away from him.”

“I can’t.” Dai replied. “I won’t cheat on Shouta, and Kane never pressed the matter afterwards. I can’t explain it all that well but I do enjoy Kane’s company. I like having him with me and on my side. But nothing would come of it.”

“I get it, okay.” Aya tucked her still numb feet under her bottom. “Maybe half way but I get it. Be careful though. Remember that Kane was playing you before; pretending to be a good guy when all he wanted to do was use you.”

“I know, but with all honesty I wanted to be used. I wanted Kane so much and I thought it was a silly crush. But I guess my feelings have sort of matured. I want to be his equal and I don’t feel Kane would treat me as such.”

Aya decided to let the matter drop, she knew he could be stubborn when he wanted to be. “Exams are coming up but I see no need for me to take them but my parents want me to have a backup plan in case Julliard doesn’t come through.”

“I’m dropping out.”

“What?! Why?”

“Cause I hate it and I’m sick of it. I’m failing and I don’t even care enough to want to try hard. Besides, I’ve ready decided not to go to college.” He shrugged. “I’ll just run the shop full time and I want to be there for my grandfather. I don’t ever want to come home to this ever again.”

“Argh!” The girl nearly shouted to the ceiling. “We so need tubs of ice cream right now cause we so need it!”

“I know, right?!”

“Let’s at least find something dramatic and tear inducing to watch.”

The teens settled down a bit more and Dai grabbed the remote. “Oh God. Beaches is coming on.”

“Whelp, that’ll do it.”

The next morning Dai said his goodbyes to Aya and headed to the hospital; he needed to see his grandfather, he didn’t feel as though his grandfather was safe unless he laid his own eyes on him to bear witness. The disinfecting solution hit him once more; a smell he grew to detest and when he reached the room he entered with delicate movements so as to not disturb the sleeping man. He looked over his Grandfather lying there connected to the heart monitor and breathing tube. He wanted to lash out into a full blown crying fit but he had to stay strong for both of them. He held his emotions in check, pushing them as far into the pits as he could and prepared for what’s to come. He had no words to say and he wondered what he should do. He picked up a nearby magazine and read out loud several articles hoping to stir something in him but before long he lost himself to sleep. He woke up no more than an hour later to see the old man sitting up in bed and staring at him with piercing eyes, his cheeks more gaunt than before as though he had aged overnight.

He smiled at Dai. “Maybe you should go to school today, there’s nothing you can gain from watching me lay here.”

Dai knew his grandfather was a stubborn man but he himself had grown to be just as stubborn in his own right. “No,

I’m not leaving you. I’m going to stay until you get better.” Dai made his statement final.

“All right.” He shifted in his bed. “Do me a favor. Make yourself useful and grab my clothes. I’m going home.” As

Benjirou tried to get out of bed, Dai gently held him down.

“What are you doing?! You can’t leave!”

“Dai, I already know I’m going to die. I don’t need any doctors to figure it out for me.” They both settled down. “Dai, I don’t want to die in this hospital, I want to go home and stay surrounded by my own things. Not treated like a room number. Please do this for me.”

Dai struggled between doing what he felt was best, which was Benjirou staying in the hospital for proper treatment and whatever wishes his Grandfather—who probably wasn’t thinking straight, wanted. He looked into his Grandfather’s pleading eyes and reached for his coat. It took some time to convince the doctors to release him but they couldn’t keep him against his will. Dai signed the papers and they caught the first cab home.

He helped him change into his pajamas, a soft cotton garment he’d worn for years now and grabbed the keys to open shop.

“I’ll open shop. You go on to school.” The old man said rising out of bed.

Dai gripped the keys. “But, Grandpa . . .”

“No Buts. I want you to graduate.”

“And I want you to live.” Dai tried to catch himself.

“I need some sort of a routine to keep me going. I’m not going to stop living because my stupid heart decides it’s ready to quit. Go to school and do well and I promise I won’t work too hard.”

The grime on the floor and walls, the gates barring any would be troublemakers from its premises, the dark decor was provocative in its invitation to all lost souls willing to play. Dai entered, passing the large guard who stood at the doorway adjusting his uniform tie. He plopped down near the bar resting his elbows on the littered surface. The muffled seductive song played in the background “Blood stained sheets…and the shape, of your heart…”

“Dai? What the hell are ya doin’ here?” Shouta caught himself. “I mean it’s not like I’m not happy to see ya but don’t ya have classes?”

“Classes? Wait. I thought you knew?”

“Knew what?” Shouta asked wondering if he was going to hear something ominous.

“I’ve officially dropped out.”

“What?! Why?”

“Many reasons. The truth is ever since he got sick I’ve been afraid to go to school out of fear I wouldn’t be there if something bad happened. I’ve dreaded it every time I’m not there. Besides, he may speak a lot about being able to run the shop but there are plenty of times where the shop was not open because of his illness.”

“Stop it. Ya Grandpa is so strong I doubt he’s going anywhere no matter what those doctors say! I’m sure he’s fine right now.”

Dai allowed his words to sink in. His Grandfather was sure about getting him out the house. And he looked fine. ‘What if the doctors are wrong?’ “I don’t know.” He finally spoke. “I’m going to call him in a few hours to check up on him.”

“What else?”

“Huh?”

“Ya said there were many reasons. Ya grandfather being sick was only one.”

“I just don’t want to do it anymore. I have no intention of going to college.”

“So ya just gonna hang out in this dump?” Shouta said not hiding the lecturing tone of his voice.

“No.” Dai replied back brazenly. “I need to find a way to ease him into the idea of allowing me to stay home and run the shop.”

“Well, I can’t tell ya what to do with ya life but I really hope ya know what ya doin’.”

“Hey.” Kei sucked in air; slapping his hand on the bar, his body worked to return the oxygen to his body. Shouta immediately poured him a glass of water. “Ya look like shit.”

“Her husband showed up so I had to jump out the window.”

Shouta and Dai laughed as Kei picked what looked like rose bush thorns from of his hair.

“I better go home and check up on my grandfather.”

“Yeah. We’ll talk later, Love ya.”

“I love you too.”

The exchange drew Kei from his own wandering thoughts and he was surprised to say the least. He knew Shouta and Dai were seeing each other but he didn’t know their feelings had developed so much.

“Love? It’s at that point now?” He asked once Dai was out of ear shot.

Shouta brushed the leaves and other debris from the bar thinking about the best way to approach it with his friend.

“Yeah. I think I reached that point. The question is, has Dai?”

“He just told you.”

“The one thing I realized about Dai is that telling me something and actually meaning it are two different things.”

“If you can’t trust him then why be with him.”

“I love the guy. Although I can’t say if that’s a good thing or a bad thing at this point.”

“Let me guess the root cause. Kane.”

“Sadly, yeah.”

Never Let Go: Chapter Three (Free Preview)

Chapter Three

Suziko’s, one of Tokyo’s many Sushi restaurants; the soft décor blending black and red; the simple square tables, bar facing the row of large screen TVs broadcasting the slender baseball athlete sliding to the plate gave the restaurant a hometown atmosphere yet managed to maintain some level of class. The music was rough but there were no tourists and the food was outstanding which made it the perfect watering hole whenever the group wanted something outside the usual burger joint. Aya and Shouta arrived first and secured a booth near the back where they settled in. He was glad to be away from the loud music and smoke and lights of Grunge and she was just happy to get out of the house. Aya fixed her short brown hair in her tiny mirror taking the time to admire her little black dress which matched her short heels perfectly. She sipped on her banana punch smoothie enjoying the thick mixture of blended berries and creamy texture.

“I was gonna wait for everyone to get here to spill it but I’m too excited.” Shouta smiled sipping on his coke. “I’m gonna start ma own bar.”

“What? Really? That’s awesome!”

“I know. It ain’t gonna be like Grunge but I hope to have some performers.”

“How are you doing it?”

“You’ve seen Ein before right?”

“I think so.”

“She’s a partner and she may know someone else who’ll help. I also have that money Dai gave me.”

“Oh yeah, you were gonna use that to leave town.”

“I don’t have to anymore.” Shouta said thinking of that asshole Miki, thanking his lucky stars he’s now dead.

“I’m glad you didn’t have to use it for that.”

“Me too.”

“So.” Aya spoke after a beat. “Have you heard anything from… Akio?”

“No. Why?” Shouta eyed her suspiciously.

“Just wondering. I mean your relationship with him happened so fast.”

“I know. But it’s better this way. I don’t think exes should be reconnecting.”

“What about Dai and Kane? They’re reconnected.”

“No they’re not.” Shouta said indignant. “Okay they are…sort of.” When he looked into the girl’s eyes he knew he would be spilling his guts soon, it didn’t take long. “I don’t know what to really think of it.”

“Have you talked to him about it?”

“Yeah, sure. He says he can’t be with Kane but he never said he doesn’t want to be with him.” Shouta leaned forward as though spilling a secret. “Truth be told. I hate being in the same room with them because it just seems to be just the two of’em. They have this connection going on that pisses me off.” He fiddled with his straw wrapper.

“Dai really has changed…a lot and I don’t know if it is for the better. Before I could say with confidence that Dai wouldn’t see anyone else while seeing you but he’s been all over the place.”

“Not lately.” He corrected. “He’s calmed down since our relationship started.”

“That’s good. I didn’t mean anything bad by it.”

“I understand.” He sat back allowing himself to relax more. “Just as long as Kane doesn’t come around often I’m good.”

“Really?” The deep familiar voice attached to the smirking lips forced the two to freeze in place. Suddenly a dark cloud appeared over the overhead lights and it seemed to only target their table.

Dai fidgeted uncomfortably and searched his mind for a way to recover but decided it was better to simply ignore the remark. “I know it’s sudden but I invited Kane.”

Kane sat down and Shouta instinctively switched seats sitting next to Aya while Dai sat next to Kane on the other side.

“I’ve been all over the place lately. I was supposed to had met Kane yesterday so I decided to make it up to him tonight.”

“I see.” Aya nodded eyes darting to Shouta.

“Right.” Shouta leaned back in his seat sipping on his cola, the melted ice reflected his ruined evening. “Ya do know that this is a friendship dinner.” He said looking hard at Dai.

Kane laughed. “Friendship dinner? Oh God.”

“Forget it.” He exhaled long and loud. “How’s your grandfather?”

Dai removed his hand from his smile. “Up and about.”

“Up and about?” Kane reiterated. “He hasn’t gotten any better?”

“No.”

“How long will you keep running the shop like that?” Kane focused on Dai.

“I have no idea.”

“Perhaps I can do something..?”

Shouta cleared his throat breaking up the small bubble he believed the two easily retreated to. He glanced to Aya who looked back at him, their recent conversation on their minds. The foursome sat in silence for a long moment and once the waitress arrived Kane and Dai ordered their drinks and settled in.

“Any new projects Kane?” Dai asked hating the tense atmosphere.

“I’m developing a new console. It’s nothing but a prototype so far.”

“Wow, are we talking PS4 level or Wii U?”

“Hopefully better than all of them. I want it to be a full entertainment suite complete with some form of holographic tech included. Apple is currently working on a patent for it that can be used without headgear, although I don’t know if it’ll be for their iphone series or another—“

“So what’s everyone gonna order once Kei gets here!” Shouta broke through the chatter.

Dai stared hard at him like a parent reprimanding a child. “Will you put out some exclusives for your console?” He turned to Kane.

“Of course.”

“I’m opening a bar soon.” Shouta blurted.

“Really Shouta? That’s great!” Dai replied deciding to ignore how he muscled the news in.

“That’s a lot of money and hard work.” Kane added. “It’s more than just serving drinks and partying all night. You have to have a plan…”

“I do!” Shouta shot back. ‘Who the hell does he think he is to lecture me?!’

“Look it’s Kei!” Aya pointed at the door hoping to quell the rising thick atmosphere.

Kei giggled with a plump dirty blonde haired woman on his arm looking well past her prime; she squeezed into the too short black dress which looked ironically like Aya’s—a sleeveless pleated skirt with a ruffled hem just to her knees.

Aya smirked. ‘No contest’ she thought as the older woman almost burst from the simple outfit. The gang held their comments and greeted her properly while the waitress grabbed some extra chairs for them to sit.

“Sorry I’m late.” Kei apologized before glimpsing Kane seated with their group. He paused for a moment before holding his tongue.

“You didn’t tell us you would be bringing a guest.” Aya said shifting in her seat.

“I know. I wanted to surprise everyone. I see we have another surprise. Kane” Kei simply replied and greeted.

“Kei.” Kane replied.

“So we’re all here.” Dai lifted his menu.

“It’s really my fault we’re late. My husband was being an asshole and asking too many questions.”

Kane chuckled softly at the situation causing Dai to pinch his thigh.

“Husband?” Aya repeated the word almost wanting her to correct her. The gang sat dumbfounded. ‘She’s married?!’ everyone thought in unison.

“Once she divorces her husband we’re getting married and I can use my security job to support her.” Kei dreamily said causing Kane to chuckle more. Dai did the best he could to stave off the infectious laughter but found himself giving in albeit unwillingly as did Aya. Shouta cleared his throat refusing to give in.

“What’s your name?” Shouta asked.

“Namie.” The woman replied trying to pull up the slouching dress that barely fit over her bosom.

“I see.” Aya rolled her eyes catching herself before it went too far.

“Are you in college?” Shouta asked thinking it better to keep the conversation rolling.

“No. I never went, besides I’m probably too old.”

“Really how old are you?”

“Thirty.”

“Thirty!” Dai and Aya shouted in unison.

“Age ain’t nothin’ but a number, right?” Kei smiled.

“Yeah.” Kane added calmer than the rest.

“Wow!” The woman yelled in a manner of a person lacking in grace. “You are hot! Oh wait!” She bellowed like a child who had come up with the most brilliant idea. “There are two gays here! Oh let me guess which ones they are!” She clapped excited.

Aya looked wide eyed to Dai and Dai back to her both silently thinking about this woman’s uncouth behavior.

“It has to be you.” She pointed at Dai who kept his lips pursed tightly. “I mean c’mon! You are too pretty to be straight.” She smiled wiggling her index finger to try and hone in on the next target. “I’m gonna say the hottie next to him! I mean all the super hot ones are, right?” She looked to Aya for confirmation. Before Kei could stop the train wreck she continued. “I bet you two are the two friends who are gay and in love! I mean you can cut the sexual tension with a knife!” Kei touched her arm to still her mouth. “Just look at how his arm straddles the back of the seat. Practically around the pretty boy. Ya know it’s a sign of possession. Plus you two look great together, I mean it just fits, you both look so..I don’t know classy!”

Dai stretched his arm across the table taking Shouta’s hand in his much to Kane’s hidden dismay. “I’m with him.”

“Oh. Sorry.” She picked up her menu as if just realizing her blunder. “You don’t even look gay, though.” She looked over to Shouta her remark said in the tone of a compliment. Dai sat back taking up his menu once again, especially since he saw the grin on Shouta’s lips. He already knew what he wanted to order—the unagi bowl with sashimi platter and wakame salad but he needed to look busy before he said something rude.

“What does a gay man look like?” Kane asked although it was far from a question he needed an answer for. If no one was going to put this woman in her place he would.

“Uh.” The woman sat down her menu and shifted uncomfortably.

“Okay I’m just gonna get their sushi sampler.” Shouta barged through knowing where this was headed.

“I was just wondering since people seem to have this universal picture of a gay man they keep speaking of.”

“Kane.” Kei warned.

“It’s okay.” Naime held his hand. “Well I was right when I pointed out the first one over there. I was just wrong about you.”

“Actually, you’re not wrong. I am gay.”

“Well then I was right.” She nearly shot back wanting the line of questions to cease.

“So what makes you right?” Kane asked. “What makes Shouta straight and Dai and myself gay based on looks alone?”

She searched her mind for the least insulting way of explaining herself “Well you dress nicely and you’re both so well groomed.”

Kane laughed. “I get it. So Lesbians are frumpy and Homos are snappy dressers and I guess you can only tell if someone is Asian by their coke bottle glasses and buck teeth.”

Dai laughed watching the woman fidget the full gravity of her words sinking in as much as they could. Thankfully the waitress appeared to take their order.

Aya excused herself, scooting from her side of the booth. “Dai come with me.”

“Aren’t you…sure.” He watched her telling expression and decided best to see what she wanted.

“Going to the bathroom together?” Kei laughed. “That’s too much.”

“Shut up.” Dai laughed along at the awkward situation. “You know I can’t enter with you.” Dai followed Aya toward the back.

“I don’t care. I’m the only girl at the table and I don’t want nor have to talk to that Naime woman.”

Dai chuckled and quickly followed Aya into the woman’s bathroom.

She quickly checked each stall. “Good.”

“Wow it looks so different in here.” Dai gazed at the salmon colored stone tiles and delicate pastel soaps lining the trays. “The men’s room just has one bottle of hand soap…and it smells like piss.”

Aya checked herself in the mirror before turning to her friend. “I’m staying the night at your house tonight and don’t even think about turning me down.”

“Well yes ma’am.” Dai playfully saluted. “You wanna talk about that woman? Just what the hell is Kei thinking?”

“I definitely wanna talk about her. Oh my God!” Aya exclaimed causing Dai to laugh. “But I also want to talk about you.”

Dai pointed to himself in confusion. “What about me?”

“Bringing Kane here with Shouta around…”

“Kane and I are friends that’s all.”

“I never mentioned anything about you being more than that but the fact that you feel the need to defend yourself straight away is a sign.”

Dai sighed hard.

“Look, I love you, but I also love Shouta and I don’t want to see him get hurt. You know he doesn’t like Kane yet you brought him here and you’re sitting next to him laughing…”

“Shouta moved out the way…”

“What else was he supposed to do? Kane is your guest not ours…I’m just saying that the body language is a little…I don’t know…suspect.”

Dai moved to speak but Aya gestured to cut him off. “Like I said, We’re gonna talk about everything tonight. And I do mean everything…including what’s been going on with me and Kei. So I’m sure you’ll get your turn to have a go at me as well.”

“You and Kei?”

“When we get to your house.” She said turning because she didn’t want to see Dai’s expression.

Once the dinner concluded and the table was cluttered with half eaten food, empty plates, and other mess from the evening’s get together. The group rounded up to leave.

“I can take you home, Dai.” Kane offered grabbing his leftovers.

Dai looked to Shouta almost for approval, the pretense of his future discussion with Aya on his mind.

“I got work tonight, so might as well.” Shouta replied nonchalant. He wondered if he should even care anymore. Dai delivered a soft kiss to his cheek.

“Okay, let’s go.” Dai turned Kane and Aya.

“Aya?” Shouta wondered why she was leaving with Dai and Kane.

“I’m spending the night with Dai.”

Kei grabbed his girlfriend before she opened her mouth. “You two have fun.” He smiled shaking his head.

The sleek Bugatti parked at the shop, the doors lifted and Aya stepped out relieved to stretch out her cramping body. The sports car only had two seats and the girl was planted on Dai’s lap throughout the drive.

“Good thing the cops didn’t pull us over.” Kane said waiting for the two to grab their bags.

“I hope you enjoyed yourself.” Dai peeked his head in unable to let him go.

“It was interesting.” Kane smiled when he saw him smile. “With you I always enjoy myself. Everyone else could have left. No offense.” He looked to Aya.

“None taken.”

“We’ll talk later.” Dai backed away.

“I look forward to it.”

Dai raised his head noticing the lights on in the shop for the first time and through the glass a figure lay slumped on the ground. “Grandpa!” he yelled heading toward the locked door fumbling with his keys.

Kane rushed from his car. “Give them to me!” he demanded and with Dai pointing to the right one he opened the gate and door.

The old man laid unconscious on the cold floor, phone in hand. Dai’s hands trembled as he searched for a pulse. “We have to get him to a doctor!”

Kane scooped up frail man and rushed him to his car cursing himself for only having the two seater. He sat the man comfortably in the passenger seat.

“Just come back for me!” Dai ordered and Kane wasted no time speeding off into the night.

“I’ll call Shouta and Kei! Maybe they can get us there!” Aya rushed to get them on her speed dial. But with neither of them with any major transportation, they offered to meet Dai at the hospital.

Waiting for Kane to come back felt like an eternity; he wrapped his arms around himself but not to shield himself from the chill night air. When Kane returned he and Aya piled in ignoring the discomfort and legal implications.

“What happened?”

“The nurses took him away. They tried to get me to fill out some papers. I brought them with me.”

“Thanks.”

Dai tapped his foot rapidly on the floor; the wait killed him. ‘I don’t know how much more of this I can take.’ He thought as every single nerve in his body stood on edge. The scent of the disinfected disgusted him in its familiarity.

A young doctor approached clipboard in hand ready to inform the young man about the status of his loved one. “Mr. Uie . . .”

“Please don’t give me any more half-assed excuses and send me home with more pills!” Dai had enough with the same routine. None of the pills made him better. He just wanted answers. Someone had to know something. ‘This is a hospital for crying out loud!’

The doctor ignored the outburst. “He is resting right now but we do not know the cause. We are conducting tests and looking into it.”

“Right.” Dai said his voice filled to the brim with skepticism. “And how many millions of yen will this cost me just to tell me you don’t know?”

“How long has this been going on?” Kane turned to Dai genuinely concerned.

“Almost a year.” Dai hung his head. No more room for keeping up appearances, he was drowning and fast and reluctantly he reached for a life line.

Aya covered her mouth in shock, she knew his grandfather was sick but not for an entire year.

“Why didn’t you tell me?!” Kane spoke a little too harshly even for his own liking but to keep something like this a secret was too serious, not when he could have helped.

“It was minor issues at first. We went to the hospital but everything was relatively okay. But a few months ago things just got worse.” Dai pressed his face against the palm of his hands completely and utterly lost.

“What sort of tests?” Kane stood speaking directly to the doctor.

“EKG, X-ray, and well go from there.”

“Whatever.” Kane turned away his fingers pressing the touch screen of his phone.

“Dai.” Shouta arrived and quickly held him, he didn’t feel the body pressed against him wavering.

“Shouta, you don’t know what I’ve been through. I’m sick and tired of dealing with some doctor whose goal is just write pill prescriptions and send sick people home to get sicker!”

“I know.” the blond tried to soothe him although he only understood the gist of his outburst.

“All right.” Kane stood before Dai once more. “I have another doctor headed here to take a look at your grandfather. I can’t promise anything but he’s better than fucking Doogie Howser over there.”

“Thank you.”

“So ya can just call doctors to come at ya beck and call?” Shouta stated as more of an infuriating comment than a question. He sneered at the taller man for a long moment hating everything about him. His arrogance, his money, and the way his dark eyes pawed at Dai capturing his every movement and infliction and acting on cue.

Kane wanted to reply, something that would rub the blond’s nose in his own inadequacies but he didn’t have the time. He thought of the old man reaching for a broom handle when he entered their home. He had made such an awful impression of himself that day. A shame he carried secretly. He thought it best not to leave another bad impression at the hospital.

They waited. The night wore on and turned into inky black. Multiple phones rang at the receptionist’s desk and the women dressed in white laughed and gossiped about the day’s events. The java fragrance engulfed the waiting room and Kei’s stomach growled…which was going on for hours but he thought it would be impolite to head down to the vending machine. ‘To hell with it.’ He finally gave in to his hunger with Shouta following. The depression was maddening and not with the question mark status of Dai’s grandfather but the obvious terrible night of the nearby group of women crying in each other’s arms. The fear in their eyes when they entered spoke volumes, a petite woman with curly hair entered the back room followed by a nurse only to come out moments later in tears; perhaps confirming the identity of a deceased loved one.

The doctor Kane called finally entered the waiting room and approached the tired group of teens.

“Mr. Uie, I’ve pinpointed what your Grandfather’s condition is.” The young doctor stated.

Dai relaxed a bit, his slight broad chest sinking, his long fingers weaved together. He waited for the answers he’d sought for so long now.

“He has a deteriorating heart condition . . . and I’m afraid . . . he won’t make it. Not for very long. I’m so sorry.”

Dai was knocked into his seat. His whole body went numb. ‘This can’t be really happening. This is not my life.’

“Oh Dai,” Aya cried.

Dai snapped out of the trance he seemed to be in and shouted at the doctor. “Are you sure? This can’t be true!” Dai cried out. ‘This can’t be possible. This can’t happen to him!’ He finally plopped down in his seat giving up; a part of him felt Kane’s arms around him but he couldn’t feel anything really. This was like some sort of bad dream he couldn’t wake from. He finally gave in to grief and began to cry. He lost Shi and now his beloved Grandfather, what is this? ‘Is this some kind of cruel life’s joke being played on me?‘ It all seemed so unfair.

“Can I go see him?” Dai asked through his oily voice.

“Visitation hours are over and he won’t wake up until tomorrow. It’s better to go home and get some rest. I promise I will make him as comfortable as possible.”

“I’ll take you home.” Kane stood. He hoped the doctor could deliver more positive news but he was the best in the country. He knew he would not screw up.

“Thanks.” Dai stood ready to leave.

Shouta and Kei returned with an arm full of goodies for everyone.

“Where are you going?” Shouta asked.

“Home.” Dai replied.“I’ll take you.” Shouta dropped the junk food ready to go.

“I’m sorry. I just want to go home right now, I don’t want to wait for trains or talk about it. I’ll call you later.” He walked over to his lover planting a chaste kiss on his lips. “Thank you for coming. Please go to work. You have a bar to get started.”

“Hey, wait.” Shouta stopped him. “I don’t give a damn about the bar when you’re like this. What happened?”

“Heart condition.” Aya spoke. “He won’t make it.”

“Dai.” Shouta embraced him. “I’m sorry.”

“I just want to go home.” He parted from the blond and headed out with Kane. “Aya?” Dai looked back at the girl hoping she would come and she did; wanting nothing more than to spend some time with him.

“You okay?” Kei turned to Shouta watching him watch his lover leave.

“Yeah.” The blond frowned. The sight of Dai emotionally leaning on Kane instead of him shook him deeply. ‘Why not me?‘ The words permeated his mind.

‘Why not me?‘

Mistake Made in Never Let Go giveaway copy

Pic by Crysanity

Whelp, the pain of being a writer is sometimes making mistakes in the story.  Especially a long time series taking five years to complete. Lucky for me I caught this before release and corrected it but not before ordering the paperback copies for the giveaway on Goodreads.  The changes will be reflected on the released paperback version and of course all digital copies.

May contain light spoilers:

Pages 188-189: Kane mentions Osamu having no children/family.  I forgot all about poor Dante Shiraga, Osamu’s biological son and Kane’s older brother.

Note: I forgot him so much to the point where I named Dai’s deceased brother Dante.  lol!! However, I did not change this as Dante is a fairly common name.

Another Note: Can you catch the reference in Dai’s brother’s names?

Never Let Go: Chapter Two (Free Preview)

Chapter Two

His fingers pressed the keys in rapid session stringing together the ideas in his mind. Kane Industries ran like a well oiled machine and taking into account the council of his advisors he sent an email to the head of his research department—a man he’d known and trusted since his adopted father was in control of the company. The cloudy sky loomed above and the low rumble signaled the approach of yet another rainstorm. He hated days like this, feeling tired and sluggish was no fun. He cracked his knuckles and sipped his steamy cup of coffee determined to wade through the numb afternoon. For the past two years he worked on the prototype for a new gaming console with the full intent to enter the ‘console wars.’ Ignoring the official recommendation by the legal executor of the company—Ray Hosokawa to focus on virtual military systems Kane worked tirelessly to become a full competitor within the gaming industry. Even to the point of creating a separate division of Kane Industries in a new division called ‘Purgatory Games’. A full scale gaming company which had released several successful PS4 and Xbox One games. Kane counted down the months to his twentieth birthday, the day he would be declared an adult and gain full control over the company. But the thought of what he would officially do weighed heavily on his mind. Ray Hosokawa, the Vice President was a good man but a part of him did not trust him taking full control over his company. He pushed the matter from his mind and stood up stretching his long legs in his dark suit. He kept his hair in a short buzz cut often stroking the smooth soft hairs against his hand, a habit he tried to break only to fail without thinking.

‘Dai.’ Kane said the name inside his head as if he was invoking a spirit. He checked his watch and it wasn’t nearly time to go yet. ‘I still have time to check on that development team.’ He thought heading out of his office.

“How is everything going?” he headed to the cubicle where a woman seemed to be going over the specs of the new system.

“I’m having some issues with the components but nothing I can’t handle, sir.”

“Good. We’re a new company so our reputation isn’t as good as Sony’s and Microsoft’s. If we release a shitty console customers would lose faith so keep working on it.”

He checked his watch again. He had to meet Dai for lunch soon and he didn’t want to be late.

Dai sat in class watching the clock tick away and every single minute turned into an hour. He didn’t want to leave his Grandfather alone, he struggled maintaining the shop but the older man urged him out the door with promises that he would be fine. ‘I hope that’s the truth.’ Dai said to himself.

“Mr. Uie! Mr. Uie!”

The teacher’s voice broke through his thoughts and he snapped at attention. “Yes, Mrs. Hansai?”

“I asked you if you’re finished with your paper.”

The entire page was blank. “Uh, no Mrs. Hansai.”

The abrasive chubby woman stood like a drill sergeant and marched the narrow row of desks until she reached his and as he tried to cover his paper, his face flushed red she snatched at the page. “Mr. Uie! Why am I even surprised?

You’re failing this class any way.”

The bell rang and the joyful students—relieved to be out of her class, gathered their supplies and headed out the door. Dai buried his face in his hands. She was right, he was failing. Not just her class but almost every class he had. He knew he was never the best student—unless they gave grades based on quietness and that was unlikely. In the worst case scenario he would have to repeat his final year as he would never pass any of the University entrance exams. He sighed deeply releasing his pent up tension. He thought of everything he had to overcome–Now his grandfather was ill. Every time he got better something else would come along worse than before. The only response he could give his friends was that he had the flu, but he feared the sickness was a lot worse and no matter how many doctors they visited they could never discover the cause. The doctor listed off possible causes, humidity, dust , so on giving them more medicine to buy and yet another doctor’s bill to pay off before sending them home.

“Look, our grades are posted here; we’re going to see what we got. I might get the highest honors.” Aya boasted as

Dai approached her in the hall.

“Tsk.” Sato approached Dai once he separated himself from the crowd. “Looks like all you know how to do is suck cock.”

Dai rounded on the teen. “Fuck off.” He shot back before attempting to walk away, the rage boiled inside of him.

“That tattoo you have. I hear it’s all over your body. Is it true that you got it from sucking Yakuza cocks?”

“You want me to suck you off or something?” Dai pressed his body against him. “Is that why you wanna know? I’m a real good cock sucker.” Dai gritted his teeth ready to fight.

“Freak!” The teen backed off.

‘Asshole.’ Dai thought taking his leave, he had half a mind to just never return to the school and the more he thought about it the better of an idea it became; it seemed to solve all his problems. He was always worried about his grandfather’s health and he knew he struggled to run the shop. ‘Besides, I don’t even think I’ll ever get into a University let alone want to go if I do.’

Aya noticed Dai heading to the foot locker and promptly followed catching her breath before she spoke. “Dai, it’s the middle of school, why are you leaving?”

“I just have to go home. That’s all.”

Aya noticed something was still bothering him and she wanted to do whatever she could to help. “Dai, if there is something going on, you should know by now that you can tell me.”

He appreciated her concern but was in no mood to open up, he felt almost as if speaking about his troubles made them real and he wasn’t ready to face that.

“Hey I got the perfect idea! When we graduate why don’t you come to New York with me? There are plenty of Universities there. It would be so cool!”

“Aya, I can’t. I doubt I would be able to pass the exams to even get into a University. Besides, money has been tight lately. I wouldn’t be able to afford it.”

Aya fidgeted, her brown eyes turning to the floor. ‘But why would they be low on money? With so many Gamers in Tokyo alone, they should have more than enough money.’

They reached the relic of a shop connected to a row of other buildings along the downtown city streets. With its well stocked shelves and old fashioned counter—the place smelled of dust and scent of wood almost far away from the glass and steel of modern shops. It was dark and empty and nearly devoid of life—a killer for any business. Dai rushed to flip the switch on the lights and prepared the small number of bills for the cash register. Aya sauntered about trying to grasp just what was happening.

“My Grandpa hasn’t been feeling well lately and I’ve been leaving school early sometimes to open the shop.” Dai confessed watching for her reaction.

“That’s why you’ve been leaving school?”

“Yeah, this is our only income and with the shop opening late or not at all we barely make any money.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

“But still…” She felt sorry for the way things were going for him. She wondered if he had hurt someone powerful in a past life with the mess his life was turning into. Dai noticed Aya staring off in her own thoughts for a moment, he knew she pitied him and he suddenly wanted to tell her to leave but instead he smiled at her assuring her everything would be okay.

The worn wallpaper peeled down in various colors of pee yellow to black mold matching the substances on it. The sunlight shined through the cracks of the dilapidated roof, the floor board looked as though one wrong step would trigger a fall into the dark hole that was the basement. The bar was a rustic ragged mess, the shelves missing, along with any indication that this place was anything other than the abomination the city deemed it as. It was an old club located in the heart of Koenji, the birthplace of the Tokyo punk scene. Once a Mecca of art and music, where old bands longed to play their tunes was now…this. Shouta could smell the musky scent of rain water and wood and he heard the squeak of a family of mice nearby. This was going to be a lot of work.

“You think you can do this?” Ein asked covering her nose from the earthy dust and stench. Something was dead nearby, she just knew it.

“Well, it’s definitely a fixer upper.” Shouta replied watching a beetle scurry across the floor.

“I’m glad you asked me to come along on your little venture.” She said after a beat. She had worked as a bartender for Grunge City for more than four years, something that was supposed to be a temporary job until she worked up enough money to ‘leave my shit neighborhood and shit life’ behind. But nothing was ever temporary when finances were concerned and she found herself enjoying every aspect of her job from the bands that played there waiting for their dreams to come true to the energy of the patrons who decided their fates. Ein was a colorful woman—colorful both literally and figuratively. Her hair was a long straight shooter fiery red, her limbs were long and slender, and her outfits were always full of vigor and didn’t at all match but they looked good on her; a light pink tank top and puke green leather pants and grey boots with the right outfit she could easily look like some vixen from an old film noir.

“I’m glad ya came.” Shouta smiled at the woman enjoying her company immensely.

“And yes, I’ll be your bartender…if that’s why you really called me here.” She laughed wickedly.

“Can I just have a friend here for moral support?” Shouta smiled along. ‘She saw right through me as usual.’

“Of course…I’m just staking my claim on this shit hole”

“Ha ha, it won’t be for long.”

“Good.”

“Actually, I want ya to be more than a bartender. I was wonderin’ if ya wanna be my partner.”

“Wha? Really?!”

“Yeah. I can’t do this alone. I know ya always talkin’ of one day ownin’ ya own place…it may not be how ya pic…”

“Yes! My god yes!!” She shouted with a squeal.

“Really? Ya in?!”

“Hell yeah! I can’t imagine not sayin’ yes!” She calmed down for a moment. “But I only have ¥911,400 yen ($7,000) in my savings.”

“That’s good. It only means that we need another partner.”

“Hm.” Ein placed her cracked black polish finger to her lips. “I think I may know someone who could help but give me some time, okay?”

“Alright!” Shouta celebrated scooping her into a big bear hug.

Dai yawned and stretched his heavy limbs, he licked his pursed cracked lips hungry for the taste of hot food. He waved Aya goodbye and locked the shutters on the doors. With no one entering the doors of the desolate shop he decided to cut his losses and close up. Nightfall approached, and although he left the shop open later than usual the act only brought in one or two extra customers than before. The chilly wind licked at his flesh from the open window.

The falafel vendor once again had a long line of customers to deal with. ‘Maybe I should turn this place into a falafel shop.‘ Just as he closed the living room door the phone rang. He couldn’t shake the nagging feeling he had forgotten to do something earlier.

“Hello?”

“Uh….Dai?”

“Who is this?” Dai’s voice trembled slightly.

“Is… Grandpa there?”

“Vergil?!” He gasped taking the phone harshly from his ear. He couldn’t believe this; he couldn’t believe his grandfather would stay in contact with him! ‘Of all people!’

“If he can’t talk then it’s okay.” The raspy voice spoke on the other end in a perfect flow of Italian. “I think you and I need to talk especially. To clear the air.”

“There’s nothing to talk about!” Dai shot back in the romance language.

“We need to think about the future, about…arrangements… I know he’s sick and–”

“Fuck you!” Dai slammed the phone and pressed his fingers against the corner of his eyes. His distant brother was the last person he’d ever wanted to hear from, he wasn’t ready to face him, not after everything that happened between them long ago. He collected himself and took a deep breath. ‘It’s over.’

A phone ranged a customary tune and Dai brashly picked up the house phone. “What?!” Nothing but the sound of the beep. ‘Oh yeah my cell.‘ He laughed madly to himself while answering the call.

“Dai.” Kane sighed.

“I’m so sorry! I knew I was forgetting something but this has not exactly been the best weeks of my life.”

“I hate being stood up.” Kane’s deep voice reflected his annoyance.

“I’m super sorry! I just haven’t had time for…anything.”

Kane tone reflected a willingness to listen. “It’s okay. What’s going on?”

“I’ve been keeping the shop open later for extra money. Uh…my grandfather is having a rough time and he’s not able to run it so I come home early from school to do it and because I’m opening late I’ve been keeping it open overtime.”

He could hear Kane’s breathing on the other end and he wondered what he could be thinking but it did not take long for the other to respond. “Is there anything I can do?”

“No. It’s my own problem. We’re not about to be set out on the street or anything.”

“Well then can we meet up again?”

“Sure.” Dai grew silent for a moment. “Actually we can meet up tomorrow night. There’s no school so we’re all going to meet up at Suziko’s for some sushi.”

“Yeah.” Kane replied sarcastically. “Like your friends would be happy to have me there.”

Dai smiled. “Since when have you ever cared about that?”

“Fine.” Kane laughed. “I’ll come.”

“Good. Tomorrow night at eight p.m.”