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CHANNEL ZERO: CANDLE COVE Season Finale Recap: “Welcome Home”

Note: this is a recap, which means major spoilers! If those scare you, don’t continue reading without watching the episode first.

Candle Cove, the inaugural season of Syfy’s creepy horror anthology series Channel Zero, never shied away from embracing the weird and macabre, or from showing us really horrible acts. But as it turns out, they saved their scariest and darkest moments for their very good finale, a fitting cap to an entertaining first season.

We knew a showdown was coming between Mike and Eddie, but the question of who would win turned out to be neither, with Mike sacrificing himself for the safety of everyone else. Depending on your own view this was either an optimistic and hopeful ending—with the goodness of one person overcoming true evil, and the children of today spared unlike in 1988—or it was very dark, since Mike’s fight to reign in his brother appears to be an eternal struggle waged from a house of horror. This was the ending to A Tale of Two Cities, only if Sydney Carton was a good person who gave more than he deserved, and whose sacrifice will continue being made forever.

Before that creepy skin-decorated game of War though (and the Skintaker who we had only seen flashes of thus far), the scariest sequence of the entire series took place in the hallway of Eddie’s mind, which was filled with genuine monsters and skinless dead children. If anything, the images here were so awful I almost wish they had abandoned the puppets of Candle Cove earlier and started showing just how terrible Eddie’s creations really were.

It also turned out that the slower episodes at the beginning were worth it, since the time committed to making us care about Mike and his mother paid off with the emotionally brutal scene where she had to kill him to stop Eddie. Fiona Shaw was very good throughout as Marla, and getting us to feel real empathy, on a show that featured a literal Tooth Child, was impressive.

So too was Paul Schneider‘s, whose understated portrayal of Mike always felt like an eruption waiting to happen, but by the end felt like someone who always knew how this was going to end, and had resigned himself to doing what was necessary, just like he had in 1988. Knowing that will make re-watching the season even sadder.

And as sad as the Painter family’s ending was, it was certainly satisfying to see the evil Mrs. Booth get that hook firmly planted in her own head, and it was also hopeful to see Gary Yolan rescue his possessed children from one last meeting of the Killer Kids Association. (Probably just go ahead and burn that trailer down though, it’s probably not worth trying to salvage.)

So even though the show’s main premise of pitting a good and evil twin against one another is a classic trope, Channel Zero‘s mixed timeline and commitment to embracing the strangeness of their story made it feel fresh. Eddie turned out to be a much more horrifying villain than we thought possible, and Mike turned out to be a better hero than we might have imagined. The mysteries never needlessly lingered too long to keep us tuning in, instead we always got the right mix of answers and new questions to keep us invested.

And though we don’t feel great about the idea of Mike being forever stuck in that room with his brother, the decision to not give us a happy-ending was the right one, because Candle Cove turned out to be a truly scary place.

But we want to know what you thought of this first season, so don’t be afraid to travel into our comments section below to share your thoughts. We promise you can leave when you’re done.

Images: Syfy

SUPER MARIO RUN Will Officially Launch Next Month

Earlier this year, Niantic’s Pokémon Go breathed mobile life into the classic Nintendo franchise. But starting next month, Nintendo is bringing its ultimate icon, Mario, into the realm of mobile gaming.

As reported by Entertainment Weekly, Nintendo has officially announced that Super Mario Run will be released on December 15 for iPhone, iPad, and iPod Touch. The game is also going to be available to iOS 8.0 users at a later time, but probably not this year. With the announcement came a charming new trailer that offered a brief walkthrough of the game’s three modes.

The first mode is a pretty traditional side-scrolling Mario adventure, with some key differences. Because there’s no separate controller, Mario’s default state is to run towards the right, while the players control when and how hard he jumps by tapping the screen. The level designs look really nice, and there’s even a peak at one of Mario’s battles with Bowser.

Kingdom Builder is the second gaming mode explored in the trailer. Essentially, it lets fans customize their Mushroom Kingdoms by adding some of the game’s unique objects to the landscape. That means, the brick staircase, the coin blocks, the castles, and almost anything you’ve seen in the classic Mario Bros. games can be placed at your whim.

The final game mode, Toad Rally, allows Super Mario Run players to challenge each other to a time trial to see who can get through a stage fastest. We suspect that may be a popular feature, because who doesn’t love bragging rights?

Super Mario Run will initially be free for a trial period after you download the app. But if you want to keep the game after the trial period ends, it will be a one-time bill of $9.99.

What did you think about the new trailer for Super Mario Run? Leap into our comment section and let us know!

Image: Nintendo

This Steve Irwin Day, Celebrate the Life of an Incredibly Passionate Wildlife Warrior

I was walking down the cul-de-sac that sheltered my childhood home when I heard that TV phenomenon and animal conservation legend Steve Irwin had died. Suddenly empty, I half-wandered the grassy area behind the pastel Wisconsin homes and started crying. At the time I wasn’t exactly sure why I was breaking down, but ten years later I know: Steve Irwin was a singularly interesting man, the Carl Sagan of animal-themed education, whose legacy continues just as unimpeded as his enthusiasm through unto today: Steve Irwin Day.

The reason you have a familiarity with the word “Crikey!” is Steve Irwin. It was a signature phrase exclaimed often during the run of the popular TV show Crocodile Hunter, which Irwin hosted. If that show was made in today’s bloated lineups, I’m certain the host would tackle a crocodile for shock value—whole “educational” shows now build up to dangerous encounters with wildlife. But Irwin wasn’t a shock croc jock. Respect for animals and wildlife education was always his goal, communicated with a sincerity that was felt rather than marketed.

What set the constantly khaki-ed man apart was his contagious zeal for what he was doing. He was just as happy covered in mud trying to calm a crocodile as he was talking to camera. Irwin’s passion never had to be explained, it was always just there, just a part of him, something that touched millions.

Though so-called “flashbulb” memories are often recalled with supposedly crystal clarity, they are just as fallible as regular recollections. Maybe I wasn’t crying in a cul-du-sac. Still, I know, we know, that the loss of Irwin was a loss for everyone. After his death in September 2006, Irwin lives on through his family — his devotion as a family man was equally endearing, and you could see it when his wife and children joined him on Crocodile Hunter — and through his numerous wildlife conservation efforts. This Steve Irwin Day, you can help continue that legacy by supporting Irwin’s Wildlife Warriors Worldwide and the Australia Zoo, which help protect wildlife in Australia and around the world.

Or you can put on some khakis and yell “Crikey” while remembering the ineffable zest for animals and for life that was Steve Irwin.

Images: SteveIrwinDay.org

Discover Monarch’s Secrets in KONG: SKULL ISLAND Teasers

Back in 2014, Legendary Pictures’ Godzilla reboot revealed the existence of Monarch, a secret government agency that investigates giant monsters. And while that other monster film explored their 2014-era doings, the upcoming Kong: Skull Island may explore Monarch’s activities in the ’70s if these new teasers have anything to do with it.

In the inevitable march to a King Kong vs. Godzilla rematch on the big screen (because it’s gotta happen, right?!), Legendary and Warner Bros. have placed five password protected teasers from the Kong: Skull Island trailer that is set to drop later this week on the website Discover Skull Island. The first four clips have now been released on the film’s official Instagram account, and they offer a glimpse of Kong’s impressive size and his destructive power.

The calm before the storm. #kongskullisland

A video posted by Kong Skull Island (@kongskullislandmovie) on Nov 12, 2016 at 9:00am PST

He’s King around here. #kongskullisland

A video posted by Kong Skull Island (@kongskullislandmovie) on Nov 13, 2016 at 9:11am PST

There’s nowhere to hide. Two days. #kongskullisland

A video posted by Kong Skull Island (@kongskullislandmovie) on Nov 14, 2016 at 9:00am PST

The devils live below us. #kongskullisland

A video posted by Kong Skull Island (@kongskullislandmovie) on Nov 15, 2016 at 9:30am PST

The fifth and final clip is currently only available at DiscoverSkullIsland.com, and it offers the first look at the Skullcrawler. If you want to see the first four clips on that website as they appear in Monarch’s records, the passwords are as follows: DESTINATION ACQUIRED, SKYDEVILS, WE DON’T BELONG HERE, ENDANGEREDSPECIES. The new trailer will debut on Wednesday, November 16.

Kong: Skull Island will smash into theaters on March 10, 2017.

What do you think about the teasers for this movie? Challenge the monsters and let them fight in the comment section below!

Image: Legendary

Editor’s Note: Nerdist Industries is a subsidiary of Legendary Digital Networks.

Confirmed: MYTHBUSTERS: THE SEARCH Hosted by Nerdist’s Own Kyle Hill Looks Awesome

There’s no question about it, we were totally bummed out when MythBusters, hosted by Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman, came to an end after 14 seasons, but as is often the case, when one door closes another one is blown open (well maybe it doesn’t happen that exact way all that often).

That’s why we were equally thrilled when we learned the Science Channel would be bringing back the series with all new hosts, ones they will find through their new reality competition MythBusters: The Search. Today we got a glimpse of what the show has in store for us with its first trailer, featuring the ten skilled contestants who will battle it out to see who has the brains, the know-how, and the outside-the-box thinking necessary to test some of our favorite legends in fun and creative ways.

Of course, there was only one man up to the job of leading those ten on their journey, someone with both the science pedigree and admiration for all things Mythbusters: the show’s host and Nerdist’s very own science editor, Kyle Hill.

If you’re wondering why Entertainment Weekly got a chance to share this trailer before we did, it’s because we still get Kyle. It only seemed fair.

As for the trailer, sharp-eyed fans of the original series will recognize some previous myths that were tested, like whether you can paint an entire room with explosives, and how to find a literal needle in a literal haystack.

Don’t worry, your favorite MythBusters staple isn’t going anywhere. Kyle summed it up best: “boom.”

Mythbusters: The Search will premiere on Saturday, January 7th, at 9 pm eastern, and you can always check out Kyle’s show Because Science, every week here at Nerdist.

What are you most looking forward to with this series (besides seeing the great host of course)? Don’t keep your thoughts a myth, tell us in the comments below.

Image: Kyle Hill

MY LITTLE PONY Guardians of Harmony Figures Target All Genders

Welcome to Figures & Speech, Nerdist’s regular column by, for, and about grown-ups who still play with their toys but might want to know more before they buy. From product reviews to informed editorials, these are most definitely the articles that’ll make you want to strike a pose.

It’s been a tough week on the emotions for many, and in what I swear is a coincidence of timing, I think I have the right dose of happiness for today’s column. Let’s not lose any friends over anything in the real world, because, after all…friendship is magic.

A funny thing happened when Hasbro started to market the relaunch of their My Little Pony brand that had been big in the ’80s–the marketing overtook the actual product. Friendship Is Magic, which updated the look of the ponies to a simpler, more cartoony and expressive style than the generic girl-toy cuteness of the originals, was just supposed to be a cartoon that sold toys, but under the guiding hand of Lauren Faust, it became something else entirely. Just as Peter Cullen’s voice had elevated Transformers cartoons with a gravitas that may not have been apparent in the original concept, Faust’s smart, funny, and positive writing made Friendship Is Magic so popular that for the first time, boys felt okay to say they liked it. And then so did grown men. There were documentaries made about them, and conventions that attracted just as many of the newly dubbed “Bronies” as female fans. It’s safe to say the current iteration of My Little Pony is far more beloved than the property’s prior incarnation ever was, and a theatrical movie is headed our way in a year or so.

And yet the toys, for the longest time, didn’t reflect any of this. Hasbro stuck to what they knew–mostly un-articulated ponies with combable hair. Fans begged for toys of characters created for the show, like the parody hybrid Doctor Whooves and the villain/antihero Discord, but it took third-party licensees to make these, as the core line stayed resolutely true to formula (though there have been mini-playsets based on the show in more recent years). It’s possible Hasbro was worried at first that the male fans were unsavory, and not without cause; anyone with nerdy proclivities and an Internet connection is no doubt aware of the some of the more unpleasant indulgences of certain fans with, shall we say, no filters. But as time and Brony-Cons have proven, there isn’t just a mainstream male Pony fandom that prefers more articulated/accurate action figures to traditionally feminine hair-combing dolls, but there’s also a substantial portion of female fans nowadays who prefer them too.

Guardians of Harmony is Hasbro’s attempt to rectify this. And it’s a good one. Note that unlike Mattel, which misstepped in putting only photos of boys on the box art of role-play toys for the all-female Ghostbusters reboot, Hasbro is clear:

Girls and boys…playing together? MADNESS! And genius.

One thing the big H did learn from the big M is to subdivide the line into collector-focused figures and kid-focused toys, but keep them all in the same scale, as Mattel has done well with their WWE line. I may have issues with how they define what collectors want versus what kids want, but we’ll get to that.

Basic figures, which retail at just under $10, include an interesting assortment. Rather than making all the “Mane 6” primary protagonists upfront, the first wave includes Pinkie Pie, Shadowbolts, Rainbow Dash, and Shining Armor. Pinkie and Shadow were the ones included in our review samples.

Pinkie Pie, arguably the signature character of the show, is my own personal favorite character as she reminds me of my wife Julia, with her enthusiasm for all things cute, affinity for pink, and ability to smile through gritted teeth when she’s feeling something the opposite of happy. Like all the other ponies in the basic figure assortment (they share body parts, which makes sense given how similarly most of them are drawn), she has ball-jointed shoulders, elbows, and tail, hinged rear legs, and a hinge/swivel combination on the neck that allows for standing-up or all-fours poses. She comes with a party cannon that fires a rubber chicken (presumably Cheese Sandwich’s pal Boneless) and a removable Patton-style helmet.

To the fans, this is highly episode-specific. But to toy companies, it also fits their paradigm of “boy play pattern,” which is to say good versus bad, using weapons and vehicles to defeat the other side. Friendship Is Magic, the show, doesn’t neatly fit into that box, but as we’ll continue to see, this toy line tries to. Anyway, the cannon features a pull-back-and-release spring that isn’t particularly strong; you will NOT shoot your eye out with Pinkie Pie.

Shadowbolts are an odd choice for first series toys relative to the show, as the dark versions of the Wonderbolts, created by the villainous Nightmare Moon, had one episode in the first season. But again, this is a boy’s play pattern–if your villains are limited, give them an army-builder, i.e. a character like a Stormtrooper that kids might by multiples of. Shadowbolt comes with a clip-on lightning bolt, removable sunglasses, and the unrelated villain Cockatrice. Wings are ball-jointed.

At the $20 price point, we get a mini-vehicle with a figure, and it’s Cheese Sandwich, the Pony party planner voiced by Weird Al Yankovic. Again, a one-episode character, but likely included because of both Weird Al’s fan base, and the fact that this is the closest thing to a combat vehicle Hasbro could market at this scale while being reasonably show accurate, though the proportions of the tank have been cheated quite a bit.

The package is “try-me” style, so you get to pull down the lever and make the barrel rapidly go in and out a couple of times, which it does before firing a chicken. And there’s no way around this–it kinda feels suggestive in the worst way. Adding to that impression is the way the little demo photo is enclosed in a circle-arrow shape that looks just like the international male symbol Austin Powers wears around his neck. Probably coincidence, but again, I’ve been online, and I’ve seen some of the more awful sides of adult Pony fandom. There are folks who’ll take it as a sign.

The party tank has foot pegs on the back for a driver, but they aren’t tight. They really just help balance the driver a little better; he or she will totally fall off if you play rough. The cannon takes a bit of practice to fire just right, but it flings chickens a lot further than Pinkie Pie’s.

There’s an unexpected bonus to the package, too – the interior backdrop is basically a cardboard display diorama.

Seriously, how can you look at this and not smile? I can’t.

The next tier of the line is a series of two-character battle packs, which weren’t included in my samples, but you can see in the catalog. Again, this emphasizes the conflict pattern thought to be traditional male play, rather than the overall friendship theme of the show.

And then, at the $15-$20 range, we have the “Fan Series,” featuring characters fans of the show have wanted in toy for a long time: Discord, Princess Celestia, and Nightmare Moon. The impression seems to be that Hasbro thinks adult collectors want these more than kids, so they’re McFarlane-esque, detailed, pre-posed dynamic figurines with almost no articulation. Julia told me that as a kid, she’d have found them no fun at all. But if you want Discord, the chimera-like trickster voiced by John DeLancie, this is how you get him–he was previously available in a larger, deluxe light-up box as a Comic-Con exclusive, and is posed on a throne with his umbrella and cup out to catch chocolate milk raining from the sky.

His wings have small ball joints, but that’s the extent of his articulation. You can, however, usurp his throne…

In more McFarlane-like fashion, these figures are designed with the idea people will keep them in the box, and are held in place by twisty-ties and formed plastic bits. This makes their diorama backdrops considerably more useless (when opened) than the one that comes with Cheese Sandwich.

Princess Celestia’s wings can move up or down, and that’s all the posability she has.

There’s “Huh-huh-huh” potential here, too, as her tail, being translucent, billowing out like a cloud, and extending from her butt, can also kinda look like a fart escaping if you think about it…and boys will…

I’m sure these will sell, but it would be nice to have more articulated action figures of the larger characters. Maybe down the line.

Finally, the big-ticket item of the line is Spike in his giant dragon form, with a price point of $30-40. He’s the Stomp ‘n Roar Grimlock of the line, but still in scale to everyone else.

Spike, on the show, is usually a cute little sidekick, but every once in a while, when he indulges his greedier side, it turns him more monstrous and large. It’s also safe to say that a big ol’ dragon is probably being marketed because he could have crossover appeal to kids who don’t know anything about My Little Pony.

He comes with li’l Spike, and in fact there are footpegs on the saddle so that Spike can…ride himself? Sure, I guess. There are also bigger, pony-shaped footpegs so a pony (not included) can ride, but as with the party cannon, it’s a loose fit.

Big Spike’s articulation is mostly tied into his action feature. Push him forward on his legs, and he spreads his arms, opens his mouth, lights up, roars, and fires a missile from his mouth.

I assume the missiles are meant to look like green fire, but they more closely resemble him hocking a loogie. They fire clean across the room, if you were wondering–best reach of all the projectiles in the line.

If you leave his power on, once you’re done playing with him he’ll roar a little, and eventually start snoring. The armor and helmet are removable, but frankly they’re too much fun to take off.

He does have basic ball joints at the elbows, so he can nearly twiddle his fingers like Mr. Burns if you really want him to.

One final touch: each figure comes with a “wings” logo that can either clip on to their arms, or on your shirt.

While the overall attempt to shoehorn the line into as much of a military/battle theme as can be managed while still being canonical probably feels a little silly to older buyers, any way Hasbro can justify getting these out is fine by me. As a guy who never liked rooted hair dolls as a kid, but enjoys the My Little Pony cartoons now, I’d say the basic action figures in this line are as good as any fan could have hoped for. I’m a bit iffier on the fan series, but can’t deny they look like they should.

(Click on all the images to enlarge for more detail.)

Now, look these ponies in the eye and tell them you’re still sad. I can’t do it. They’re happy-makers. And a special thanks to my Brony posse: Sly, Tim, CK, and John, for providing useful MLP/FIM context.

And now that you’ve seen the Guardians of Harmony toys, how do they stack up to existing MLP merch? Better? Worse? Different strokes for different folks? Come on everypony, comment, comment, comment below!

Images: Julia and Luke Thompson for Nerdist

Luke Y. Thompson is Nerdist’s weekend editor, and a golden pony boy. Follow him on Twitter if you dare.

 

 

 

 

SUPERGIRL Recap: Changing

Editor’s Note: This post contains spoilers for Supergirl . Proceed at your own risk if you have not watched yet. 

If you thought the Alex subplot didn’t get enough attention on Supergirl last week, settle in, because she took up a lot of well-earned screen time on this latest episode. Aside from Alex finally coming out to Kara, “Changing” was peppered with, well … changes for several characters. Mon-El learned a thing or two from Kara, James took on a new persona, and J’onn was saved by M’gann. We have a lot to get through, so let’s get started!

The episode kicked off with a literal cold open at a research facility in the arctic, where Doctor Rudy Jones and his team were researching climate change. When one of his colleagues called him over to check out a wolf that had supposedly been under the ice for 5,000 years, he found that it was still warm. Curious to learn more, Jones stuck his hand in a hole in the wolf’s body and it grabbed hold of him.

When the DEO learned of the facility later on, it was thanks to an SOS from the lab. With only Jones still alive, Alex and J’onn took the jet to the lab to check it out. Kara, however, wasn’t along for the ride… because she was too drunk (thanks, Mon-El). After the rest of the squad collected the doctor, they brought him back to the DEO for observation. Controlled by a strange parasitic alien, the destruction of the environment was his main focus.

The team didn’t realize what really happened until they witnessed Jones claim another victim on the research facility’s video footage. Alex and Supergirl found out the man was infected the hard way when they went to the lab he was supposed to be working at and found a dead man with the life sucked out of them. Like a parasite, Jones gains power by draining their blood. By the time Kara arrived, he was incredibly powerful. When Alex tried to shoot him, the bullets bounced right off.

But bullet-deflecting aliens weren’t the only thing Alex was worried about last night. After all but coming out last week to Maggie, Alex took the plunge and told her sister. Though Kara’s reaction wasn’t exactly what she was hoping for, Alex looked relieved to get her feelings for Maggie off her chest. She also detailed previous feelings she may have felt for her high school best friend. It scared her that she had feelings for another woman before they inevitably drifted apart.

Fast-forward to the present and Alex is finally ready to embrace her sexual identity. Kara was a little hesitant at first, but later, in a touching conversation with her sister, she apologized not only for her reaction, but for not creating an environment where her sister felt comfortable enough to talk about what was really going on. As Kara explained, their late night chats were always about her secret identity as Supergirl. Kara further explained that she knows how lonely it is to keep a secret about herself from others. Just when the pair were starting to open up to each other, however, they were interrupted by a call regarding an alien threat. While Alex was left to go out and get the girl, Kara took off to investigate.

The “threat” ended up being Mon-El exploiting his powers for money. It seems his good alien training session with Kara at the beginning of the episode didn’t inspire him to do good deeds. Rather, he took those skills he learned and used them to earn a quick buck, going against everything Kara stands for in the process. This obviously led to harsh words and a spat between the duo.

As the stakes continued to rise with Dr. Jones on the loose, James was impatient for Winn to finish his suit. He settled down a bit when Winn told him that giving him his suit now, before it was ready, would probably get him killed. As his pal pointed out, that would defeat the purpose of him wanting to get out and save lives immediately. Before finally presenting Mon-El with the suit, Winn offered him a friendly reminder: his life will change once he puts on that suit for the first time. But since meeting Clark, James has been ready to embrace the world as a hero (aptly named Guardian), and later dons the suit to help his friends out.

Meanwhile, Kara and Alex were back on track with figuring out what to do with the mutated Dr. Jones. After an unfortunate showdown with the hostile alien, both Kara and J’onn lost a lot of blood and were basically comatose. When Alex showed up, she realized that the doctor had mutated. While Kara was set to recover in a short amount of time, J’onn wasn’t so lucky, and required a blood transfusion from the only other martian he knows: M’gann. Though hesitant, she ended up following through with the procedure.

Unfortunately, draining the aliens only added to Jones’ power. He was ready to wreak havoc on the city. Thankfully, Kara recovered quickly enough to stop him. She used his own power against him and used a device to blast him with power. It worked and he crumbled. When she finally took him out, she thanked the disguised James (a.k.a. Guardian) for helping out.

After the events, Alex thought she would celebrate by going on a date with Maggie. But as her rotten luck would have it, Maggie was only interested in friendship–which shattered Alex’s heart. When Kara found her at the end of the episode, she was inconsolable. Despite feeling like she humiliated herself, Alex realized that Kara has her back no matter what.

In the last few minutes of “Changing” we saw that even Mon-El was ready to change his ways. When he stopped to help a beggar man, he was stunned and shoved into a van by… Cadmus! We can’t wait to see what happens next week.

What did you think of tonight’s episode? Are you excited to watch Alex, James, and Mon-El’s respective transformation. Let us know in the comments below!

 

Images: CW

Did The NBA Players From SPACE JAM Also Lose Their Talent in Real Life?

In many ways, Space Jam — the cinematic meeting of NBA legend Michael Jordan and the Looney Tunes that was released 20 years ago today — is very much rooted in reality. As is widely known, Jordan really did leave the NBA during the 1993-1994 NBA season to pursue a professional baseball career with the Chicago White Sox’s minor league affiliate the Birmingham Barons before returning to the Chicago Bulls the following season.

In many more ways, though, it is wildly unrealistic: He was never sucked down a golf hole, he never teamed up with Bugs Bunny to help him avoid enslavement by defeating a team of aliens in a high-stakes game of basketball, and NBA players Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, Muggsy Bogues, Larry Johnson, and Shawn Bradley never had their talent stolen and stored in a glowing basketball.

But what if there did happen to be a correlation between the hampered performance of the skill-sapped NBA-ers and their play in real life during the same period of time? That seems like it’d be fun to figure out, so let’s give it a go.

First, we have to establish a timeline, which the movie doesn’t do that well aside from providing one concrete date to start with. The outside shot that leads into the scene where Barkley and Ewing have their talent stolen shows a sign outside Madison Square Garden (where Ewing’s New York Knicks play their home games) indicates that the date of a game between the Knicks and Barkley’s Phoenix Suns as November 7, and since the story takes place after Jordan’s retirement, we assume the year to be 1993.

From this, we learn a couple things, most importantly that Space Jam didn’t use the actual 1993-1994 NBA schedule, because on November 7, 1993, the Suns actually played the Sacramento Kings in Phoenix (all cited NBA statistical-related data is via Basketball-Reference). They managed to have the talents of five players stolen by staging only two games, so they skewed reality for the sake of filmmaking efficiency.

This date also tells us that Space Jam takes place in a universe where the NBA and Southern League (the AA baseball league in which Jordan’s Barons played) seasons overlapped, while in reality, they do not: The NBA season runs from October to April, while the Southern League season runs from April to September.

This presents a problem because while we have a start date for the dry spells of our victimized ballers, an end date is hard to establish. The only thing that would be revealing is the scene near the end of the movie, after the showdown against the Monstars, when Jordan arrives at his baseball game on the aliens’ spacecraft, but a few things make the scene irrelevant in terms of helping out our timeline. It’s very hard to tell which team they’re playing against since we don’t get a good look at the opponents’ uniforms, meaning we can’t compare that match-up to the Barons’ actual 1993 schedule, which seems impossible to find online anyway, and probably doesn’t match up with the team’s in-movie schedule to begin with.

There are too many inconsistencies in chronology to pin a real end date to the NBA players not having their talent, so we’ll have to think about this pragmatically. The night following the Suns/Knicks game, sports anchor Ahmad Rashad reports on TV, “In a shocking development, five NBA players have been placed on the disabled list in the last 24 hours, all suffering from the same mysterious ailment.” Then footage from that game plays, followed by clips of a game between the Charlotte Hornets and Philadelphia 76ers in which Bogues, Johnson, and Bradley also lose their talent, so we can assume that game also happened on November 7.

After that day, the affected players are seen seeking medical, psychological, and paranormal help, the Los Angeles Lakers refuse to suit up in the locker room due to fear of catching whatever plague has affected their colleagues, and then, outside an NBA arena where workers in hazmat suits are appearing busy, a higher-up from the NBA announces, “After meeting with team owners, I have decided that until we can guarantee the health and safety of our NBA players, there will be no more basketball this season.

It’s hard to know how much time passed between the players losing their abilities and that announcement, but based on how reluctant players were to play and on how seriously the league appeared to take this issue that severely affected five marquee players, a week seems like a fair window to put on the time from the losing of the talent to the end of the NBA season. A modern example of something similar to this that’s worth citing happened earlier this year, when Major League Baseball cancelled two games it was set to host in Puerto Rico, after cautious players made it clear they didn’t want to put themselves at risk. Reports of this unrest began to emerge around May 3, and by May 7, the games had been moved to Miami.

Therefore, the statistical period we’ll be looking at: November 7 to 14, 1993. Since the affected games would have happened very early in the NBA season, we’ll use the players’ overall stats from the 1993-1994 season as our baseline for comparison, since there would be an insufficient amount of immediately previous games to go off of. So, here’s what happened:

Charles Barkley

93-94: 21.6 PTS, 11.2 REB, 4.6 AST, 1.6 STL, 1 BLK, 49.5% FG

Space Jam (4 games): 25 PTS, 14 REB, 5.3 AST, 2.8 STL, 0.8 BLK, 50.7% FG

Patrick Ewing

93-94: 24.5 PTS, 11.2 REB, 2.3 AST, 1.1 STL, 2.7 BLK, 49.6% FG

Space Jam (4 games): 24.8 PTS, 9.3 REB, 1.8 AST, 1.8 STL, 0.5 BLK, 56.7% FG

Muggsy Bogues

93-94: 10.8 PTS, 4.1 REB, 10.1 AST, 1.7 STL, 0 BLK, 47.1% FG

Space Jam (3 games): 8.7 PTS, 3.7 REB, 10 AST, 0.7 STL, 0 BLK, 50% FG

Larry Johnson

93-94: 16.4 PTS, 8.8 REB, 3.6 AST, 0.6 STL, 0.3 BLK, 51.5% FG

Space Jam (3 games): 18 PTS, 5.7 REB, 2.7 AST, .3 STL, 0 BLK, 56.4% FG

Shawn Bradley

93-94: 10.3 PTS, 6.2 REB, 2 AST, 0.9 STL, 3 BLK, 40.9% FG

Space Jam (4 games): 13.5 PTS, 6.3 REB, 2 AST, 1.8 STL, 4.5 BLK, 43.8% FG

So what’s the deal? If anything, Johnson and Bradley performed better over that period than they did during the rest of the season, while the other players suffered no significant statistical downfalls. In fact, Ewing actually had one of his best games of the season on November 7, scoring a season-high 44 points on 17 for 24 shooting.

Based on our research, there’s little evidence to suggest that there are concrete ties between the reality of 1993 and a movie in which the world’s most famous athlete gets a game-winning, buzzer-beater dunk from midcourt by stretching his arm to twice his height while being tackled by two wildly muscular aliens. Go figure.

Images: Warner Bros.

TIMELESS Recap: “The Watergate Tape” Needed More Mystery

This recap contains spoilers for this week’s Timeless . So if you want to avoid them make sure to check out the episode before reading, because once you do you can’t go back in time and change it.

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Timeless was probably always setting itself up for disappointment by letting us hear Nixon’s infamous missing audio from the Watergate tapes, but this week’s episode was a clunker for different reasons. Because while the most famous erased recording in American history turned out to be nothing more than confirmation that Rittenhouse is really, really evil and omnipresent–a huge letdown for using one of the genuinely great American mysteries–it was all the backstory and poorly developed villains that dragged the episode down, especially since so much of it was convoluted.

Things started off poorly when Rufus was picked up in the limo by Connor and the cartoonish Rittenhouse representative, a character so unoriginal in his evil methods that even Connor had to tell him there was “no need for the theatrics.” The entire premise of Timeless is fun enough without needing to resort to old-timey comic book big bads, a shadowy evil corporation secretly controlling everything. There is no nuance or sophistication to the entire existence of Rittenhouse, which is troubling since they are clearly the real villain on the show.

Though they are clearly far more competent than Garcia Flynn, who explained, very conveniently, to Wyatt and us, why he is doing all of this, since his wife and daughter were both killed by Rittenhouse because he found their payments to Connor (uh…maybe they aren’t that competent, since they could have just, you know, killed Flynn instead). He also explained, without meaning to, how his plan makes absolutely no sense.

Rittenhouse is evil, “they control everything, all of us,” and they were founded in 1778 and have basically co-run the United States since then. So his plan to stop them from killing his wife and daughter…is to…destroy America…at some point between 1778 and now…by hoping things work out in his favor…even if it destroys…the entire human race? Forget the fact that he knows that Lucy has already lost her sister thanks to the Butterfly Effect he caused, how is any of this logical? What does he think he will return to in the present if he really does “destroy” America?

(And not to ignore the elephant in the room, but obviously this is a tough episode to have airing now, one where America itself is potentially evil and terrible, but that’s not the show’s fault.)

Now Flynn still has some secrets up his sleeve, like how does he have a diary of Lucy’s she hasn’t written yet, and does that mean he can travel forward in time too? That would open up even more possibilities for the show going forward, ones that wouldn’t be constrained by the factual past. Flynn is basically an ideologue and a madman, and that does make for a far more interesting foe than Rittenhouse, but as it stands now everything he is doing really stupid.

There were some nice touches though, like how the team’s individual secrets and trust issues come to the forefront, and when Flynn addressed how he could possibly possess Lucy’s future journal by shrugging it off as mind-blowing time travel stuff (the show is really good at winking at the premise without breaking the fourth wall). The switcheroo that “the doc” was a person and not a document was a nice twist as well. I’m positive we’ll be seeing the Doc character again, and the fact she was driving to San Diego in an episode that told us how Wyatt’s wife died in San Diego didn’t seem like an accident, so there are probably even more connections than we got in this overly-connected episode.

(Note: While Rufus’s very specific historical knowledge at the exact moment they needed it felt more “convenient” than the show’s writers rely on, but Lucy’s ungraceful fall through the window was a funny moment that reminded us these people aren’t perfect heroes and these tasks are always at risk of failing.)

But then the show ended on the same disappointing note it started on, by revealing that Lucy’s father was–oh so predictably–the very Rittenhouse man pulling Rufus’s strings. Sometimes you can reveal too much at once, and often things can be too connected, and both of those things happened in this episode, making it feel like a slog instead of its normal fun-paced action.

The show almost feels like it needs to slow down in general, and enjoy exploring the entertaining premise that should lend itself to great standalone episodes, ones that aren’t always trying to build towards the bigger mystery, sort of like The X-Files did in its heyday.

I mean, why rush when they literally have all the time in the world?

So for an episode that revolved around one of the country’s great mysteries, ironically the big problem was answering too many questions for us. They didn’t have someone scream, “This goes all the way to the top!” but they might as well have.

But what did you think of tonight’s episode? Travel into our comments section below to tell us what you think.

Images: NBC

 

 

GOTHAM Recap: Gordon and Barnes Have Their Final Showdown in ‘Executioner’

Warning: the following recap contains major spoilers from this week’s episode of Gotham, “Executioner.” It is a recap, after all! Don’t say we didn’t warn you…

Well, it’s official: the strict but moral Barnes that we know and love on Gotham is gone for good, and none other than his mentee Jim Gordon had to take him down. This week’s episode, “Executioner,” was especially hard for Gordon—but at least there was light at the end of the tunnel for him when it comes to his ex Lee! All hope is not lost for this wayward cop. Elsewhere in the episode, Penguin did something truly unforgivable, making a potential relationship with his BFF Edward Nygma impossible and Ivy finally revealed herself to Selina and Bruce. Let’s get to recapping!

So, we knew it was coming ever since he was infected with Alice Tetch’s blood, but it didn’t make watching Barnes going off the deep end actually happen any easier. After finally succumbing to his blood poisoning in last week’s episode, he gave in to his darkest urges of violence against criminals. Claiming he was the law, he took justice into his own hands and became judge, jury, and executioner to anyone he thought was guilty of crime (otherwise known as murdering a ton of people). When Gordon started to look into Barnes after one of his victims ID’ed him, Barnes took him out on a case and tried to pin everything on the mob.

Barnes told Gordon the wrong address so he couldn’t tip off Bullock to their location, and even though the “suspect” was innocent of killing the man Barnes killed at Lee’s engagement party, Barnes still killed him anyway since he was a criminal. He just shot him right in front of Gordon! That’s when Gordon finally put it together and realized Barnes was infected with Alice Tetch’s blood. Barnes then gave him a choice: Gordon could either join him in his new crusade against the criminals of Gotham or he would be framed for the mobster’s murder. Gordon obviously made the right choice and didn’t agree to this killing spree, and he managed to get away without Barnes shooting him thanks to a lucky break.

Unfortunately, Barnes called in to the GCPD to frame Gordon for the murder after that, but Gordon was able to call Bullock to tell him the truth. Bullock went straight to Lee to get her help in clearing Gordon’s name, and she came through, so the rest of the GCPD suited up to arrest Barnes instead. During their fight, Gordon was able to get Barnes at gunpoint, but Barnes wouldn’t lower his gun, so he was forced to shoot his boss (Barnes survived, but was arrested immediately and sent to Arkham). Hopefully they can find a cure for his blood poisoning soon, because he was one of the good ones in this city, and they need all the help they can get.

Back at the GCPD, Gordon thanked Lee after Bullock told him that Lee had fabricated a blood test to help prove to the rest of the GCPD that Barnes was lying about Gordon. Is this the first sign of hope for these two to get back together? Of course it is! She told him that she was glad she fabricated the evidence to save him, and the look they were giving each other spelled out “inevitable.” Finally! Sorry Mario.

As for the Edward Nygma/Oswald “Penguin” Cobblepot/Isabella love triangle, Nygma was horrified to find out from the GCPD that Isabella was hit by a train while driving to her librarian conference and had died immediately. Penguin told him that she had probably fallen asleep at the wheel, but we all know the truth: he had her brake lines cut to get her out the picture. It seemed to work at first, since Nygma hugged him intimately. But after he wouldn’t snap out of his grieving, Penguin convinced him to move on by going to the place she died to finally say goodbye to her. And that was a big mistake.

While at the railroad crossing where Isabella had died, Nygma ran into a homeless man who heard the accident happen, and when he told Nygma he heard a woman screaming before the accident, Nygma realized she couldn’t have fallen asleep at the wheel. He personally examined her car at the GCPD and saw the cut brake lines, and guessed someone paid off the cops to ignore that fact. Who has that kind of money and influence? Nygma thought he knew immediately who it was: Butch. Penguin was more than happy to go along with that idea and promised to help him get justice for Isabella. Yikes. Once Nygma finds out it wasn’t Butch, Penguin is the next likely suspect, and their relationship will be forever ruined. You can’t come back from having your best friend/crush’s love killed.

And this week, the newly grown-up Ivy made her return. She’s been busy while off screen, growing plants and making perfume out of them that can cause men to obey her every wish. She’s been using it to steal from men, but when one of them fought back after she stole a valuable necklace from his vault, she went to Selina for help and finally revealed her true identity to her old friend. The man she stole from sent masked assassins after her, and so Bruce offered to buy the necklace she stole so she would get paid and he could return the necklace and they’d all be safe.

But when they returned to the man’s house, they found him dead with an arrow through his eye—the same weapon the men who attacked them had used, so they realized that the necklace was more dangerous than they thought. When it accidentally broke open to reveal a key inside, Bruce realized they needed to get to a safe place so he opened up Wayne Manor to Selina and Ivy. But the masked assassins found something in Selina’s home that lead them straight to Bruce, so Wayne Manor isn’t as safe as they all think it is. Cue the ominous music now.

What did you think of this week’s Gotham? Tweet me your thoughts at @SydneyBucksbaum!

Gotham airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on Fox.

Images: Fox