Brian K. Henry's Blog, page 2
April 2, 2015
Lesser Known Operas: Hansel and Gristle
A dark and gritty work by German composer Horst Schrillefrau that’s a prime example of the opera medium rara subgenre. As the curtain rise, Hansel, a bald and overweight butcher with large teeth and wearing only a blood-stained white apron, is badgering a frightened elderly lady in the aria Bratwurst is Not a Plaything (Bratwurst ist kein Spielzeug). Distressed, the woman runs out and a lugubrious Hansel sings of his diminishing customer base while gnawing on a pig knuckle. Chief Inspector Blutbauern storms in, holding the bloody corpse of his pet dachshund. He demands to know where Hansel was the night of August 10. Horst sings the brooding aria Dachshunds Have Always Taunted Me (Dackel haben mich immer verspotte). Just as Blutbauern is about to arrest Hansel, three lusty whores, wearing provocative sausage jewelry dance into the butcher shop. They tease the Inspector with their mocking trio, Will You Interrogate Our Sausages? (Werden Sie abfragen Unsere Würste?). The Inspector laughs lustily. Hansel, driven mad with desire, pulls a large boar’s head out of his display window and prances about crazily on a countertop. The Inspector’s assistant dashes in and, mistaking Hansel for an escaped zoo animal, shoots him. The whores play a game of ‘toss the sausage’as Horst lies dying on the floor singing his delusory death aria, That’s Why Little Girls Love Butchers (Das ist, warum junge Mädchen Metzgereien liebe).
October 10, 2014
Top Things You Don't Want to See at Starbucks
Test appearance of hyper new Starbucks mascot Boffo Beanoo
That homeless guy you gave a buck to splurging on a $4 blueberry scone
The person sitting next to you arrives with four large Taco Bell bags
Topless barista night
Day-old latte sale
New express service coffee trough
Way too enthusiastic winner of 'Barista for a Day' contest
New green initiative includes recycling cappuccino foam.
Handcrafted sodas require barista to keep hand in the soda a few minutes too long
Porkaccino
That homeless guy you gave a buck to splurging on a $4 blueberry scone
The person sitting next to you arrives with four large Taco Bell bags
Topless barista night
Day-old latte sale
New express service coffee trough
Way too enthusiastic winner of 'Barista for a Day' contest
New green initiative includes recycling cappuccino foam.
Handcrafted sodas require barista to keep hand in the soda a few minutes too long
Porkaccino
September 18, 2014
10 Rules for Writing About Skeletons
Ever since my tweet about skeletons on vacation in Bermuda ('Snorkel? Do I look like I need a snorkel?') lots of readers might have been wondering, what are your tips for writing about skeletons? Like any subject matter that involves lots of shiny white bones and perfectly skin-free skulls, there are important rules to observe when writing about skeletons in order to come up with a piece of writing that's entertaining, enjoyable and not too gross. Here are ten of the most important:
1. Know your skeleton's back story. A skeleton that belonged to a little boy from Fresno will act in a totally different way than a skeleton that belonged to a trucker from Tampa. Hint: The Fresno skeleton will be smaller.
2. Stay away from skeleton romance. The skeleton erotica genre is a tricky one and best handled by experts. If you must include a sexual element, try having your skeleton seductively fondle a rubber Halloween skull mask.
3. Watch out for clichés. As in any genre, certain stories in skeleton fiction have been done to death. Your readers don't need to see yet another story about the young skeleton boy who loses his beloved skeleton dog. Especially in a freeway accident.
4. You can't go wrong with a plot line where your main character tries to cover up sordid misbehavior from their past. We don't have the phrase 'skeletons in the closet' for nothing.
5. Don't fall into the trap of writing about skeletons only from extreme ends of the socio-economic spectrum or skeletons with so-called 'magical powers'. There's still a lot to be written about the plight of the typical middle-class skeleton with no extraordinary abilities.
6. A good heart-tugging scene is the one where your skeleton loses its skull and has to retrieve it from a high school biology classroom. This is always great for a 'skeletons are people too' kind of moment.
7. Don't shy away from controversial issues. Such hot button topics as skeleton euthanasia, ceramic surgery and 'equal pay for equal bones' can make for solid stories.
8. Focus on what separates your skeleton from other skeletons. Does it have unusually large eye holes? A missing rib? A femur with an interesting malformation? These are the precise details that will stick in your reader's mind.
9. Scenes in a restaurant, over dinner? Don't do it. Just awkward.
10. Finally, your own best guidance for good skeleton writing is probably already deep inside you. Take the time fora long hard look within, and if that still doesn't work, get an x-ray.
1. Know your skeleton's back story. A skeleton that belonged to a little boy from Fresno will act in a totally different way than a skeleton that belonged to a trucker from Tampa. Hint: The Fresno skeleton will be smaller.
2. Stay away from skeleton romance. The skeleton erotica genre is a tricky one and best handled by experts. If you must include a sexual element, try having your skeleton seductively fondle a rubber Halloween skull mask.
3. Watch out for clichés. As in any genre, certain stories in skeleton fiction have been done to death. Your readers don't need to see yet another story about the young skeleton boy who loses his beloved skeleton dog. Especially in a freeway accident.
4. You can't go wrong with a plot line where your main character tries to cover up sordid misbehavior from their past. We don't have the phrase 'skeletons in the closet' for nothing.
5. Don't fall into the trap of writing about skeletons only from extreme ends of the socio-economic spectrum or skeletons with so-called 'magical powers'. There's still a lot to be written about the plight of the typical middle-class skeleton with no extraordinary abilities.
6. A good heart-tugging scene is the one where your skeleton loses its skull and has to retrieve it from a high school biology classroom. This is always great for a 'skeletons are people too' kind of moment.
7. Don't shy away from controversial issues. Such hot button topics as skeleton euthanasia, ceramic surgery and 'equal pay for equal bones' can make for solid stories.
8. Focus on what separates your skeleton from other skeletons. Does it have unusually large eye holes? A missing rib? A femur with an interesting malformation? These are the precise details that will stick in your reader's mind.
9. Scenes in a restaurant, over dinner? Don't do it. Just awkward.
10. Finally, your own best guidance for good skeleton writing is probably already deep inside you. Take the time fora long hard look within, and if that still doesn't work, get an x-ray.
July 20, 2014
The Smoking Cat
The smoking cat
took a puff
and considered many things.
from villanelles to Roman wells and broken mattress springs.
The smoking cat
refilled his pipe
and walked to Coffee Town
to have a macchiato with two shots, made upside down.
The barista frowned
and told the cat
"That pipe is bad for you".
So the cat discarded it and bought tobacco made to chew.
took a puff
and considered many things.
from villanelles to Roman wells and broken mattress springs.
The smoking cat
refilled his pipe
and walked to Coffee Town
to have a macchiato with two shots, made upside down.
The barista frowned
and told the cat
"That pipe is bad for you".
So the cat discarded it and bought tobacco made to chew.
April 3, 2014
My Bad Poetry #19
'and the mermaid said, why bother?'
April is the coolest month, making
Swim trunks out of old jean shorts, mixing
Tanqueray and lager, stirring
Stray dogs with spry brains.
YouTube kept us dazed, covering
ears in formica rhymes, slipping
A tiny boy in tired viewers.
Seymour surveyed us, driving over the wet interstate
With a powder of beans; we stood on the fish-drenched wharf,
And went on in green mist, into the new Starbucks,
And drank macchiatos, and passed out.
April is the coolest month, making
Swim trunks out of old jean shorts, mixing
Tanqueray and lager, stirring
Stray dogs with spry brains.
YouTube kept us dazed, covering
ears in formica rhymes, slipping
A tiny boy in tired viewers.
Seymour surveyed us, driving over the wet interstate
With a powder of beans; we stood on the fish-drenched wharf,
And went on in green mist, into the new Starbucks,
And drank macchiatos, and passed out.
March 27, 2014
My Bad Poetry #18
When the curtain opened on the severed cat head
We knew it would be a long night at the theater.
Burnham forgot his comb
And the holographic bowling ball failed to appear.
The women of the croissant society charged extra for gum
While the mealy-mouthed protagonist
Could not find the exit from the rumpled, burlap corridor.
Champagne spilled on the meatloaf,
Excruciating dog noises came from backstage.
At least, the rain was convincing.
We knew it would be a long night at the theater.
Burnham forgot his comb
And the holographic bowling ball failed to appear.
The women of the croissant society charged extra for gum
While the mealy-mouthed protagonist
Could not find the exit from the rumpled, burlap corridor.
Champagne spilled on the meatloaf,
Excruciating dog noises came from backstage.
At least, the rain was convincing.
March 15, 2014
My Bad Poetry #17
At the Elvis Costello Dance-Off
Eating tuna casserole with a spoon
Her concrete blouse and crab bracelets
Attracted the short-haired men.
They downed thin martinis in a song
Stepped over lengths of the bespectacled fallen
And tussled, pulling her arms toward both exits.
She laughed like a pleased chimp, licorice hair bobbing,
As the surly imitations assaulted her, slurring disdain.
Eating tuna casserole with a spoon
Her concrete blouse and crab bracelets
Attracted the short-haired men.
They downed thin martinis in a song
Stepped over lengths of the bespectacled fallen
And tussled, pulling her arms toward both exits.
She laughed like a pleased chimp, licorice hair bobbing,
As the surly imitations assaulted her, slurring disdain.
January 18, 2014
My Bad Poetry #16
Like a hairy yogurt ball
That sat upon the mountaintop, preeminent,
The disjointed yeti gave a glowering glare around the towering pines.
There, in the branches, a Fascist runt
Leftover from the war.
He growled the carnivorous rumble of a true
Flat-footed monster of the north,
And reached, with his all-engrappling paw,
Until the diminutive escapee,
His small moustache a tiny wrinkle of blonde,
Screamed like he had never screamed before
And then,
With the alacrity of an anchovy in pursuit,
Vanished in the maw of the devouring beast.
That sat upon the mountaintop, preeminent,
The disjointed yeti gave a glowering glare around the towering pines.
There, in the branches, a Fascist runt
Leftover from the war.
He growled the carnivorous rumble of a true
Flat-footed monster of the north,
And reached, with his all-engrappling paw,
Until the diminutive escapee,
His small moustache a tiny wrinkle of blonde,
Screamed like he had never screamed before
And then,
With the alacrity of an anchovy in pursuit,
Vanished in the maw of the devouring beast.
September 21, 2013
Praise for I Was a Teenage Ghost Hunter
Wattpaders love I Was a Teenage Ghost Hunter
“Easily as good as Eoin Colfer or Rick Riordan”
“This is good writing and you definitely got more than one LOL out of me.”
“Awesome sauce!!”
“This is an awesome book. I love it so much!”
“Fun!!!! Reading this book is awesome. I finished it all in 3 days”
Read it free on Wattpad: http://bit.ly/1a4tUH0
“Easily as good as Eoin Colfer or Rick Riordan”
“This is good writing and you definitely got more than one LOL out of me.”
“Awesome sauce!!”
“This is an awesome book. I love it so much!”
“Fun!!!! Reading this book is awesome. I finished it all in 3 days”
Read it free on Wattpad: http://bit.ly/1a4tUH0
September 18, 2013
I Was A Teenage Ghost Hunter
Hey guys, check out my complete new novel I Was a Teenage Ghost Hunter now on Wattpad! http://bit.ly/1a4tUH0 Here's a synopsis:
Moody sixteen-year-old barista Devin Mulwray is doing his best to ignore bizarre manifestations at his job in the chilly Northern California town of Arcata. Already teased about his recurrent ‘phase-outs’, the last thing he needs is to get pegged as a guy who sees ghosts. It doesn’t help his state of mind that his boss is a sarcastic slacker, his single dad is always on the road with clients and local occult fan girl Nayra is spreading ‘ghost boy’ rumors about him online.
But when violent paranormal activity badly spooks teens at an abandoned estate, Devin’s pushed into investigating by his eccentric friends Clive, a budding composer, and Rex, a tech head excited by ghost hunting gadgetry. At first reluctant to get involved, Devin’s encouraged when Emily, one of the more empathetic girls at Grey Bluff High, is impressed with his daring.
Together the friends explore the creepy Rousten manor. But as the only person able to perceive the manifestations, Devin soon finds himself going one-on-one against a powerful spirit who attacks the locals and infiltrates Devin’s own dreams.
Devin must face his fear of confronting the spirit world and get to the bottom of the hauntings before the specter unleashes more havoc on him and his friends.
Moody sixteen-year-old barista Devin Mulwray is doing his best to ignore bizarre manifestations at his job in the chilly Northern California town of Arcata. Already teased about his recurrent ‘phase-outs’, the last thing he needs is to get pegged as a guy who sees ghosts. It doesn’t help his state of mind that his boss is a sarcastic slacker, his single dad is always on the road with clients and local occult fan girl Nayra is spreading ‘ghost boy’ rumors about him online.
But when violent paranormal activity badly spooks teens at an abandoned estate, Devin’s pushed into investigating by his eccentric friends Clive, a budding composer, and Rex, a tech head excited by ghost hunting gadgetry. At first reluctant to get involved, Devin’s encouraged when Emily, one of the more empathetic girls at Grey Bluff High, is impressed with his daring.
Together the friends explore the creepy Rousten manor. But as the only person able to perceive the manifestations, Devin soon finds himself going one-on-one against a powerful spirit who attacks the locals and infiltrates Devin’s own dreams.
Devin must face his fear of confronting the spirit world and get to the bottom of the hauntings before the specter unleashes more havoc on him and his friends.
