Betsy Phillips's Blog, page 4

The First Freak Out

Yesterday I just got a little sad and scared. I don’t know how to do my job if people don’t have money to buy things. Libraries don’t need books if there aren’t any libraries.

And what do I do if I don’t do this?

I can’t sell my house and move into someplace cheaper. No one is buying and selling houses.

I can’t go move in with family and fuck the house because everyone is so far away.

I don’t know, y’all. It’s hard. And I think about us all living in an economy where the less sick deliver shit to the more sick until we are the more sick, but even that depends on the more sick having money.

Getting Used to the New Routine

Working from home yesterday was pretty fine. I was surprised at how much I got done. Today I’m in a little panic because I’m running low on Diet Dr Pepper and toilet paper, but I’m going to try to hold off going to the store for as long as possible.

But other than that bit of glitchy weirdness, I’m so far doing okay.

I’m working on an afghan, again, as always.

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I’ve got some plain squares, too.

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I really love making my own yarn. It’s so satisfying to have something beautiful and unique.

Social Distancing

We’re home for the next two weeks. I’m kind of excited, kind of nervous, about having that much time to just let my brain concentrate on things other than personal interactions.

I still will never forgive the people who voted for this incompetent monster.

It’s the End of the World as We Know It

There’s something about having the world go to shit as you feel like shit that is a little okay. Like, finally, the outside matches my insides. These feelings I have are appropriate to the situation.

Yesterday was the first day in months I felt like things were okay. I’m trying to cultivate that feeling and help it grow.

But, I admit, it’s hard. I worry a lot even when I’m feeling great. I worry when I’m feeling bad in order to feel safe about being able to anticipate more worse shit.

But, if I want to cultivate okayness, I have to stop making worry such a major part of what my brain does all day.

It's the End of the World as We Know It

There’s something about having the world go to shit as you feel like shit that is a little okay. Like, finally, the outside matches my insides. These feelings I have are appropriate to the situation.

Yesterday was the first day in months I felt like things were okay. I’m trying to cultivate that feeling and help it grow.

But, I admit, it’s hard. I worry a lot even when I’m feeling great. I worry when I’m feeling bad in order to feel safe about being able to anticipate more worse shit.

But, if I want to cultivate okayness, I have to stop making worry such a major part of what my brain does all day.

Crying in the Bathroom

It’s a small thing, but I’ll take it. I tried for something very hard this weekend. Yesterday, I found out I didn’t get it. And I briefly felt like I’d fucked my life, so I cried in the bathroom.

And then I pulled my shit together and thought about it some and I don’t feel bad about it.

It’s not dragging down my whole life.

That feels like a big improvement.

Zig Zags

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I finished this afghan! I really love how it turned out.

Vultures

I didn’t get all my tasks done yesterday. And I felt a little slow all day, but more like being wrapped in a nice blanket than moving through Jello, so that feels like an improvement.

As part of my duties as a history person, I went down to help salvage a historic building that had been destroyed by the tornado. The woman who ran the business in the building was there.

After a while I went to talk to her, to just check on her, and to apologize. I mean, yes, we’re saving stuff from the building, but we can’t save her business. And she had to stand there watching us look at the rubble of her life and decide what’s valuable and what’s not.

It breaks my heart.

Also, I’m just about finished with this afghan.

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All it needs is a border. I had to make some yarn last night to be the border, but as soon as it’s dry, I can finish this puppy right up.

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How It Went

We decided not to change my meds, just up the dosage. But, if this doesn’t do the trick, then I’m going to a psychiatrist.

A part that’s hard is how ingrained in me it is to downplay my own discomfort, to just assume I should suck it up and “deal” with it, whatever that means.

So, like, when the doctor asked me if I had missed work over this–even though I had just left work early on Monday to come home and go to bed–my first instinct was to say “no,” because I didn’t want to bother her with my problems.

I told her I was crying every day, but I tried to downplay it by saying, “but for no reason. Nothing bad is happening to me everyday. Obviously.”

I told her that I think my therapist is concerned I might be suicidal. “I’m not suicidal, but I wouldn’t mind if I died.”

See? All is well. I’m not actively harming myself. I’m just passively laying around hoping my suffering will end.

A thing I can’t explain, though,–and maybe it’s just a sign of how desperate I am to feel better or maybe it is because I do still have some self-preservation instinct–is that I’m not outright lying to her. That I’m there at all instead of just being at home not bothering anyone. And that I am making my thought processes clear to her, even when, as I say them out loud, I see how fucked up they are.

Anyway, I started my new dosage last night. I felt tired and nauseous. I also felt like I should write C. a long letter about how awesome he is, but I just sent a short text instead.

I dreamed about this grouchy guy I know laughing.

Today I feel weird. Like, obviously, this is the most I’ve wanted to write here in a long time, but it’s also taken me a long time to write it. I keep getting distracted by nothing. But, unlike usual, where I’d just get distracted and stop or distracted and not start, I keep drifting back here.

I feel super tired, but I tried to sleep in and couldn’t. And I feel this kind of weird… not a tingle… but like a pre-tingle… across my shoulders.

So, I don’t know. That’s where I am. I would say that I’m going to take it easy this weekend but my dog needs me and I’ve got to do some saving history stuff. But maybe that’s just today. Maybe tomorrow I take it easy.

The Tornado

I left work early yesterday because I just kind of gave up on the day, which is not a great state to be in. I slept until dinner and then I slept after dinner until it was time to let the dog out and then I slept until the storm.

The tornado went south of here. The devastation is hard to talk about in any meaningful way. It’s just really bad.

I go to the doctor on Friday. I really hope she can help.