Kristen Lamb's Blog, page 77

10 Ways for an ADD Writer to be OOH! SHINY!…Productive

Image via Marie Loughin WANA Commons

Other writers frequently ask how I somehow manage to get a lot of stuff done, despite my having the attention span of a fruit fly…with a bad crack habit. Here are 10 ways to help you be productive even if OOH! SHINY!

…even if you tend to be a tad ADD. The following tips are what help ME stay focused. I am NOT a doctor or psychologist or ADD expert. I’m a Jedi master, warp engine inspector, and WRITER so you get what you get.

1. Make lists.

I get distracted easily, so a list reminds me of what I need to get accomplished. I make separate lists—housework, fiction, non-fiction, business stuff, global domination using sea monkeys. Then, once I have the list, I do the hardest thing on my writing and business lists FIRST (housework can WAIT).

Like Covey says, Never mistake the urgent for the important.

2. Understand that feelings are pathological liars.

Writing is a profession, not a playpen. Professionals ignore their feelings and do it anyway. Only children, amateurs and  The Long Island Medium listen to their feelings. Feelings are fickle, lazy, and secretly jealous of your work and a tad pissed that you no longer hang out with them as much as you used to. The secret to success is to work your tail off. Be willing get up earlier and stay up later than others. Be willing to do what others won’t.

But I wanna write books. I don’t wanna do social media, toooooo. It’s haaaaard.

Yes. It is. There are many reasons this profession is not for everyone.

3. Use The Force…of Self-Discipline

Who cares HOW you get things done, so long as they get done?

I use the “Swiss cheese” approach. I have my list and I take bite after bite after bite until the work is finished. Every book can be written in 250, 500, or 1,000 word bites. I CANNOT work linearly, so I don’t try and yes I was always in trouble in school but public schools were designed to train factory workers and corporate mind slaves, not people who get paid to play with imaginary friends.

4. Mix it up.

I am a writer, wife, entrepreneur, teacher, and mom who has yet to make enough money to afford servants (which sucks), and cats make lousy slaves. This means I get to do most of the cooking, cleaning, laundry and housework. Write your 200 words, fold a load of whites, empty the dishwasher, then write another 200 words.

5. Suck it up.

Understand that sometimes we will have to sit for a long time and focus. It’s hard. Whaaaaaaahhhhh, but anyone who thinks being a writer is a fluffy hamster dream has been hanging out with their feelings…and feelings lie, sabotage and will talk you into living on ice cream and cookie sprinkles.

6. Make mean writer friends.

Yes, the Swiss cheese approach works well for people with ADD, and yes, there are times we need to duct tape our a$$es to the chair. This is why I befriend really mean people who kinda scare me. I recommend Piper Bayard, Jenny Hansen and Rachel Funk Heller. On the surface they are funny and sweet and would do anything for a friend…but that’s the issue. They will do anything for a friend, including ordering a hit on my X-Box 360.

7. Ditch loser friends.

We all have them or have had them. People who like to complain, make excuses, indulge in their feelings all the time. People who have a new dream every other week. I wanna be an astronaut, no a writer, no a vacuum salesman, no a journalist!

Ditch writers (and other people) who believe in luck, not work. Laziness, apathy, and whining are contagious. Treat excuses like EBOLA. A friend coughs blood excuses all over you, and, within two to three days, you start coughing up blood excuses, too…until your dream of being a writer liquifies and bleeds out and I hope you’re happy with yourself.

Killer.

8. Forget perfection.

Perfection is an urban legend, started by Feelings (because Feelings are a needy boyfriend/girlfriend who don’t understand the world does not revolve around them.) The world doesn’t reward perfectionist; it rewards finishers. Often we lose focus on what we are REALLY doing, because we are getting sidetracked with nitpicking.

9. Exercise.

Often ADD can be fueled by being too sedentary. Human bodies were not designed to sit on their @$$e$ all day. Ever have a puppy that chews everything and is into everything and short of strapping itself to a rocket is just being a GIANT PAIN IN THE @$$?

How do you get it to behave? Put on roller blades and run puppy until puppy wants to slip into something more comfortable…like a coma. ADD people are human puppies, so stop piddling on the carpet…I mean, go get a little exercise and your focus will generally improve.

10. Drink lots of water.

Human bodies are a hydroelectric system, and water enhances conductivity. Cool writer ideas/thoughts work this way. Muse Pixies of Awesomeness are conducted through your brain to your fingers and they bring the cool story stuff. MPAs like to travel via fairy, or ferry on WATER. They can’t travel if the waterways are too dry and moor them on a cookie sprinkle…and then you can’t focus.

It’s science. Don’t argue.

I hope these tips help, because I am now stranded in NYC, the Mother Land of ADD. It’s like Chuck E. Cheese for adults.

What about you guys? Those of you ADD folk out there who’ve paid attention to this point, first of all, CONGRATULATIONS!!!

…now back in your hole.

It writes the words or it gets the hose.

What are your thoughts? Struggles? Tips? Words of wisdom. It’s okay. You have permission to get back in your hole after you comment .

It rubs the elbow grease on. IT RUBS THE ELBOW GREASE ON! *pets fluffy white dog*

I love hearing from you!

To prove it and show my love, for the month of July, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly. I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

NOTE: My prior two books are no longer for sale, but I am updating them and will re-release. My new book, Rise of the Machines–Human Authors in a Digital World is NOW AVAILABLE.

At the end of July I will pick a winner for the monthly prize. Good luck!

5 Traits of the Successful Author

The gateway to your destiny lies within.
(Image courtesy of Maddelena on WANA Commons)

I am off to THRILLERFEST in NYC, and I’m sure it will be thrilling….bada bump *snare*. Today, I want to talk about some fundamentals. We can have all the talent in the world, but without these five ingredients, we will be hard-pressed to ever reach our dreams.

Passion

This should be a, “Yeah, no duh,” but, sadly, it isn’t. I meet a lot of people who say they want to be a professional author, but the second they face any opposition or criticism they give up. Here’s the thing:

If we truly LOVE it, we won’t give up.

One of my favorite stories is about a music master who traveled village to village in search of proteges to train. A young boy who played the violin practiced extra hard in anticipation of being chosen. On the given day, he played for the master and, at the end, the master said, “No, you don’t love music enough.” Heartbroken, the boy ran home.

A year later, the same master came to the village and spotted the boy. The master asked if he was going to audition. The boy crossed his arms and replied, “No. Your comment hurt me to the core. I put the violin away and haven’t touched it since.” To which the master replied, “I told you you didn’t love music enough.”

If we love writing, NOTHING can stop us. My motto in regards to writing comes from Hannibal:

Aut viam inveniam aut facial. 

I will either find a way or I will make one.

Self-Discipline

Again, writers write. One of the main reasons I am such a proponent of blogging is that it trains writers for a professional pace. It trains us to meet deadlines. Disciplined people work no matter what, and they finish what they start. Amateurs and the immature flit from thing to thing. Professionals and genuine artists dig in and complete the task.

Will all of us have this self-discipline in the beginning? No. Most of us don’t. Self-discipline is a muscle of character, and it needs to be trained and built just like biceps. Every time we stick to something when the siren’s song of a new shiny tempts us to start something new, we get stronger.

Humility

Great writers know they always have more to learn. Read, find mentors, and learn to admit shortcomings. None of us are perfect. We all have strengths and weaknesses. Those who readily admit flaws and seek help and training? We stand far better chances of succeeding long-term.

I used to have a problem with deadlines and self-discipline. I had the attention span of a crack-addicted fruit bat. That was why I began blogging. I knew that those character flaws would always limit me. Even though it was embarrassing to admit I had some deep flaws, it would have been impossible to ever combat that weakness if I hadn’t mustered the courage and humility to recognize where I fell fatally short.

It is okay to be imperfect. It is okay to be new. It is okay to not know everything. When we are humble enough to admit we need help, that is the first step toward authentic growth and change.

Healthy Relationship with Failure

I have said this many times, If we aren’t failing, then we aren’t doing anything interesting. Expect failure. Better yet, embrace failure.

We will learn far more from failure than success. The trick is to learn. What went wrong? How can we do it better? What ingredient is missing?

Perseverance

One of my favorite quotes is, “Persistence prevails when all else fails.” We must have bulldog tenacity to do anything remarkable. Anyone can start something. We have feelings and other people cheering us on. It’s when the new wears off and the dream looks more like work that most of us fall short. Hey, I’ve been there. This last leg of trying to get out my new book before Thrillerfest (my own self-imposed deadline)? I thought it would kill me. It’s so easy to be just in reach of the finish line and tap out.

DON’T. Keep pressing.

What are some character traits that you might add? What do you struggle with? What area gives you the most trouble? What have you done to make it better? What is some advice you would like to share?

I love hearing from you!

To prove it and show my love, for the month of July, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly. I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

NOTE: My prior two books are no longer for sale, but I am updating them and will re-release. My new book, Rise of the Machines–Human Authors in a Digital World is NOW AVAILABLE.

At the end of July I will pick a winner for the monthly prize. Good luck!

Improvise, Adapt, and Overcome—Writers of the Digital Age

Okay, what now? (Image vis Flikr Creative Commons, courtesy of Yuya Sekiguchi).

Tomorrow I leave for NYC to speak at CraftFest then attend Thrillerfest. This conference (for me) is simultaneously exciting and terrifying. I’ve always held a deep love for NY (and still do). This is one of the challenges I’ve faced when it comes to being a social media expert for authors.

My goal is to connect each author with the publishing path that is best for that artist. 

In the meantime, I also strive to help NY innovate. Amazon is great, but healthy competition is best for all of us in the end. Monopolies are only good for said owner of the monopoly. As I said in Rise of the Machines–Human Authors in a Digital World, “NY brings balance to The Force.” Any help I can offer to help them raise their game? I’m here.

Thriving in the Digital Age

One of my all-time favorite movies is Heartbreak Ridge. It’s a movie about a drill instructor who has to take command of a spoiled  recon platoon with a bad attitude. Part of how Gunny Highway whips these bad boys into shape is by constantly changing the rules so they have to learn to be predictive, to think three steps ahead and anticipate changes.

The best line in the movie?

Improvise, adapt and overcome! ~Gunny Highway

Know The Territory

My mission is to give you guys a plan that is within context of the shifting paradigm. One of the keys to being successful is to understand the market territory and how best we fit into that territory so we can accomplish our objectives. It’s how we improvise and adapt (then overcome).

For instance, the ancient Greeks ruled the seas. The Romans? They were better fighting on land. When Greeks knew they needed to resolve a conflict or retake a territory, they worked very hard to bring the battle onto the water. Mainly because they ROCKED on water…and also it was far harder to have a party boat on land .

The Internet has a wealth of information to help us understand where we fit. The smart writer gets educated and knows where she maneuvers best. I hope NYC will grow more comfortable innovating for the Digital World because that’s where a lot of the “battle” is now taking place. Can they adopt techniques that can help them maneuver this new territory with the same ease?

One of the reasons Rome remained an EMPIRE for a few thousand years is they learned to assimilate the tactics and tools of their adversaries. When the Spanish kicked their tails with the Gladuis Hispaniensis (the Gladius)? The Romans became MASTERS at forging and wielding that sword. They didn’t keep running into battle with the same sword that lost them the battle in the first place, because “Well, we have always used that sword.”

They adapted and changed to accommodate new and superior technology to gain the advantage. Writers and publishers who can learn and grow and harness new technologies are the ones who will dominate the field.

Know Your Strengths and Weaknesses

Not everyone has the ability to be an entrepreneur. Self-publishing and indie publishing are not a panacea. Are you ready to learn to be a publisher? Are you willing to learn the business side of the business? Are you okay with failing? A lot?

I wish I could tell you I’ve never made any bone-headed decisions, but I have. More than I care to admit, in fact. But, I am grateful I did some stuff wrong because failure is a great teacher. Failing SUCKS, but it will teach you to improvise and adapt.

No matter which path you choose, failure will be there. That’s okay. Learn from it. Harness it. Grow stronger. OVERCOME.

It’s a Great Time to Be a Writer

This is the beauty of the new paradigm. We now have choices. Some of you are natural entrepreneurs. Every time I get around RWA people I feel like a babe who knows NOTHING. So many of their authors not only have an unparalleled work ethic, but the sheer business-savvy they possess leaves me speechless.

….and I’m Kristen Lamb. NOT an easy feat .

Yes, I self-published. It was the best option for my personality and content. Yet? My dear friend Susan Spann negotiated a three-book traditional deal for her (Shinobi Mystery Series) Claws of the Cat. Why?

First, her books are awesome, but secondly, she has a law practice. She didn’t have the time or energy to do all the stuff a publisher does. For her, traditional was an ideal fit. This goes back to knowing strengths and weaknesses and what terrain we feel we can be strong.

Are you better fighting writing on solid land traditional or out at sea non-traditional? This is why I never offer a One Size Fits All Platform for writers.

WANA supports all types of writers and all types of publishing. The cool thing about books? They are not so cost-prohibitive that people won’t buy more than ONE. Thus, we really aren’t each other’s competition, and that places us in a unique position to work together to improve the terrain all around.

Traditional publishing brings over a century of gatekeeper experience and the indies are forging ahead and innovating in the digital world. We are wise to look to each other and learn. The traditionals can help us improve the overall quality of our product, but the indies can help us reach more readers faster and better. Indies are great at streamlining and innovating.

The good news is we are living in an amazing time to be writers (and publishers).

What are your thoughts? Do you like that writers finally have a career path? Do you like being an entrepreneur? Have you enjoyed being traditionally published? What do you think we can learn from each other?

I love hearing from you!

To prove it and show my love, for the month of July, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly. I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

NOTE: My prior two books are no longer for sale, but I am updating them and will re-release. My new book, Rise of the Machines–Human Authors in a Digital World is NOW AVAILABLE.

At the end of July I will pick a winner for the monthly prize. Good luck!

When it Comes to Success, Is It Hard Work or Luck?

My Cousin Cara and me…

I have ABSOLUTELY THE BEST FAMILY ON THE PLANET. Last night, I saw my Cousin Cara for the first time in eleven years. Though we spent most of our early childhood together, we’ve not been in the same orbit in over twenty-five years. Cara lives in Germany, and is here in Texas for a working visit.

What I found funny is how much we were alike (even our voices sound alike, which was a tad spooky). Our personalities are very similar, though Cara continued the sales/business trajectory while I followed my passion for writing. Why I mention this is that we both share a passion for debate, and Cara and I had a (fun) heated discussion last night about luck, talent and hard work.

I, of course, believe in hard work and mastery, but Cara pointed out that it was useless without luck. That a lot of lazy, undeserving and even untalented people enjoy huge success while other, more deserving can die in obscurity.

Now you see why we had a hell of a debate. There was no simple answer.

The Thing About Luck

Luck is useless if you can’t use it. Back in 1993 I made friends with a guy who wanted me to partner in his business, but I had to raise equal capital. Unskilled at how to do this and lacking any savings (was living hand-to-mouth throwing newspapers) I was unable to invest even though I knew he had something.

This man invented the pre-paid phone card. I think he has his own island now.

Kristen as Inventor

I’ve always had the mind of an inventor. When I was 8, I invented a machine that could paint fingernails. I was tired of my right hand looking like it had been attacked by a ferret wielding a nail polish brush.

I wanted a solution, so I designed The Finger Fixer and gave the schematics to one of the craftsmen in my parent’s wood-shop. And it worked. The machine could steady your non-dominant hand to be able to paint evenly and smoothly. Why did this not take off?

I was too distracted by my next business idea.

I started a “green” cleaning business fifteen years before it was “cool” to be environmentally friendly. Why did it fail? Again, I lacked the skills, capital and focus to stay the course.

February of 2000, I envisioned a business hand-painting wine-glasses and martini glasses and selling them to boutiques. I even had learned a bit by this point and put together a business plan. No one would back me because I lacked experience.

Every time I see these I want to CRY.

*head desk*

I’ve lost count of my inventions I didn’t know how to patent, that later were a huge deal. Business ideas I couldn’t bring to fruition due to lack of skill, lack of money, time whatever.

It was LUCK that I met the man who invented the pre-paid phone card, but I couldn’t take advantage of that luck. Thus, luck was worthless. On the other hand, with those other ideas like the cute glasses? I seriously could have used a little luck. I had some money, had a good plan, a lot of hard work…just didn’t have the fortune to connect with who I needed to take the idea to the next level.

Fortune Favors the Prepared

When it comes to writing and social media, I’ve had a bit of both. Being someone who can spot trends, I knew in 2003 that social media would be a game-changer for authors. I tinkered with how to build an author platform back when Gather was alive.

Then, in 2007, I spotted something else. I’d been to a couple writing conferences, and I already knew we were going to have a major paradigm shift. What I noticed and what seriously bothered me was that authors weren’t being taught the business of their business. 

The Big Six were tracking the same exact trajectory as Tower Records and Kodak, but authors were not being prepared for a world where they would have to become a brand before the book or they’d be invisible.

Every conference was loaded with craft classes and how to get a big NY agent so we writers would never have to worry our pretty little heads about any of that “business stuff.” Craft and agents were great, but writers were about to be dumped head-first into a Brave New World with no skills and no preparation.

This Time I Stayed the Course

When I approached agents about Facebook, I was told it was a fad. When I said it was possible for a novelist to become a brand before the first book, I was called a nut (and other very not-nice things).

But this time, I didn’t let up. Because of passion, I kept pressing. I also was fortunate Bob Mayer believed me and in me (that “luck” thing).

I looked at what I could do and I did it. Day after day. I could blog. I could read books and research so I could articulate my theories in a way that would make others see what I saw. I could do the writing. I could network. I could try then fail and fail some more and LEARN. I was back being a crazy inventor in my lab, only my lab was social media, and other writers were my guinea pigs….um, friends .

I did a LOT of the experimenting on myself, too. Note the warriorwriters in my URL. I did all the dumb stuff, so you don’t have to.

The World is NOT FLAT

My new book Rise of the Machines–Human Authors in a Digital World is the culmination of the past six years of tinkering, several thousand pages of research, and a lot of making stuff go BOOM. It is proof that what I said in 2007 is real and can be done.

An author can become a force before the book is even finished.

VINDICATION!

Why I Don’t Like Luck

Luck is a fickle friend. Also, I can’t teach you how to be lucky. I can teach you how to improve your odds that favor will shine your way, but other than that?

I had NO GOOD ANSWER for Cara.

Why?

Because my cousin likes watching me twitch.

Cara: What about “50 Shades of Grey?”

Me: *head desk*

Cara actually had some great points. She said there are people who work their tails off their entire lives and get nowhere. Others pop out one book and SHAZAM!!!! Success! A lot of untalented people who have done very little work are rewarded.

She was right. The man who invented air-conditioning died penniless because he didn’t have the LUCK to run across an investor who saw what he had. The man who created Superman handed away his idea for pennies, because he didn’t have the luck to meet a person who wouldn’t take advantage of him.

Cara *grumbles* was correct.

Luck IS Super Important for Success

Of course the only thing I had to say to Cara was, Bite me. Even if we look to….*sigh*….50 Shades of Grey? E.L. James still had to write the book. She had to put in work. The world has no use for a perfect half-finished book.

I know a lot of success is being in the right place at the right time in the right conditions. Hey, I want some luck too! Would LOVE some luck. Can I order some on eBay? In the meantime? Work keeps my mind off how much we DO need LUCK .

Cara’s motto: You don’t get what you work for, you get what you negotiate.

My motto: The harder I work, the luckier I get.

I see there is truth in both.

So what do you think? Is success about hard work or luck? Both? Which is more important? Do you have similar stories of hard work with no luck and luck with no way to use it?

I love hearing from you!

To prove it and show my love, for the month of July, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly. I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

NOTE: My prior two books are no longer for sale, but I am updating them and will re-release. My new book, Rise of the Machines–Human Authors in a Digital World is NOW AVAILABLE. 

June’s WINNER!!! Patti Hawthorne. Please send 5000 word Word document to kristen at wana intl dot com. Or    a synopsis (no more than 1250 words) or query letter. Your choice.

BOOK WINNER: Rhett Bigler (I promised a copy of the e-book for one lucky commenter the day I first blogged about my new book to refresh y’all’s memories. Yes “y’all’s” is correct grammar in Texas).

At the end of July I will pick a winner for the monthly prize. Good luck!

Jaws, Hydrophobia, and the REAL Story of Our Nation’s Independence

Duh-dun, duh-dun, dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun AGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Ah, summer and Fourth of July. I have the best family in the world, but all of them had kids before I did. This means The Spawn has a lot of cousins who are all older. This is great in that they get to enjoy him (and lots of babysitters at family get-togethers), but it probably means they will scar him for life just like my older cousins did to me.

Fourth of July was a time when all my family came together and my older cousins had an opportunity to psychologically scar me for life babysat me. When I was 5, my cousins let me watch Jaws and instilled powerful hydrophobia that endures to this day.

They also let me watch Friday the 13th at age 10, ruining freshwater for me as well. Basically, if it ain’t chlorinated? I’m not getting in it. Expert angler Jeremy Wade from River Monsters has only reinforced that people who swim in anything other than the hotel pool are just asking to be part of the food chain.

My point, EXACTLY (image via Tus-Memes).

I suppose my cousins did me a favor in that, when we went to the beach? My parents never had to worry I’d drown in anything deeper than an extra large coconut snow cone. I was perfectly content to sit in the surf and build sand castles. When at the lake? Yeah. I’ll stand on the dock with the shotgun and shoot Water Moccassins collecting near the dock and YOU MORONS GUYS can go waterski.

Crazies.

I recall one trip to Florida and my family forced invited me to go clamming in the Indian River, which consists of brackish water. I pleaded with them to believe me that there could be sharks and they laughed me off. It’s a river. Sharks aren’t in rivers.

HA! Twenty-five years later my theory was proven correct on Shark Week. BULL SHARKS LOVE brackish water and are invading deeper into fresh water. Australia has quite a problem with bull sharks in their canals. I’m shocked I’m even here to tell this story. Good thing I was a skinny kid and didn’t resemble a tasty manatee.

Probably just gave a few of you hydrophobia. You can thank me later for saving your LIFE.

Over the years, I’ve pretty much turned into a human feline. Unless bathing? I don’t like getting wet.

The Spawn shares my aversion to water…bathtub not included.

So have fun on your jet-skis and with your snorkels. I will miss you when if you get eaten.

When even ur Kiddy Pool is not safe…

I’ll be hanging out on dry land, grilling meat like a good Texan should. We’ll hang out by my brother’s pool and let the new generation of older cousins warp The Spawn even further than I have (though not sure that’s possible). We will set off silly little fireworks in the driveway. Well…my brother and husband will. I prefer to be a spectator. I need all my fingers (especially the middle one for dealing with AT&T).

Knowing my family, we’ll talk about history, our nation’s founding. Since I know many of you are from other countries, I’ve taken the “liberty” (bada-bump-snare) of finding you a quick reference that’s as accurate as possible. Forget what the history books tell you, THIS is how The American Revolution REALLY went down:

So did you have older cousins who warped you for life? Did Jaws give you hydrophobia? Did you have another movie that gave you another phobia? We won’t even talk about Poltergeist and how I view clowns. What do you like to do on the holidays? How do you celebrate Independence Day?

I love hearing from you!

To prove it and show my love, for the month of July, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly.

NOTE: My prior two books are no longer for sale, but I am updating them and will re-release. My new book, Rise of the Machines–Human Authors in a Digital World is NOW AVAILABLE. 

I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less) .

Over my cold but still tired. Will try to announce winners tomorrow, but will have them by Monday latest. 

And also, winners have a limited time to claim the prize, because what’s happening is there are actually quite a few people who never claim the critique, so I never know if the spam folder ate it or to look for it and then people miss out. I will also give my corporate e-mail to insure we connect and I will only have a week to return the 20 page edit.

At the end of July I will pick a winner for the monthly prize. Good luck!

Freedom isn’t Free—5 Common Tactical Errors in Self-Publishing

Checking reviews…

This business is hard work. There are no shortcuts. I recently self-published my new book Rise of the Machines–Human Authors in a Digital World (and it’s on sale for $7.04 to celebrate Independence Day). Yet, for the record, I had 1) sound business reasons for doing this (NY is too slow to publish anything about technology and I wanted creative control) and 2) I have at least a million and a half words under my belt just in blogs. Granted, I’m new to the whole self-publishing thing. I’ll share as I learn.

It’s great to have independence, but alas, Freedom isn’t free. We need a sound strategy or we can end up toast.

For the Record, I’m Switzerland

When it comes to publishing, I don’t take sides. I feel traditional publishing has a lot to offer. If I didn’t believe that, I wouldn’t spend so much time and effort challenging them to innovate to remain competitive. Indie is not for everyone. A lot has to do with 1) what we are writing 2) our personality 3) our goals. I support writers no matter which path you decide fits your needs.

Self-publishing is not a panacea. Today we are going to talk about the top five tactical errors I feel are killing self-publishing authors.

Tactical Error #1 Publishing Too Soon

The problem with the ease of self-publishing is that it is, well, too easy. When we are new, frankly, most of us are too dumb to know what we don’t know. Just because we made As in English, does not automatically qualify us to write a work spanning 60-100,000 words.

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The Spawn’s First Novel, “akjehsubfuirewagh6r5″ now available on Kindle.

Too many new writers do not properly understand the antagonist. They don’t grasp three-act structure, and most don’t have any idea what I mean when I mention POV, Jungian archetypes, or the phrase, “scene and sequel.”

I have some affordable upcoming classes for most of that, btw (Check Here). Use Wana15 for a 15% discount on any of my craft classes. I see a lot of new writers who believe their story is the exception, that the rules make for “formulaic” writing. No, rules are there for a reason, and, if the writing is too formulaic, it has more to do with execution than the rules.

Three-act structure has been around since Aristotle, and there is a lot of evidence in neuroscience that suggests that three-act structure is actually hard-wired into the human brain. Thus, when we deviate too far from three-act structure, it confuses and frustrates readers.

Stories have clear beginnings, middles and ends.

Yes, we are artists, but we need to understand the fundamentals. I played clarinet for years, and yes it was an art. But this didn’t excuse me from having to learn to read music, the finger positions and proper embouchure (the way to position the mouth to play).

The better we are at the basics, the better we know the rules, the more we become true artists.

I’ve received contest winners whose first pages were filled with newbie errors. Yet, when I sent them my critique filled with pages of corrections, I would then receive a reply telling me that the book had already been self-published.

OUCH.

Signs of problems in your novel.

Sometimes there are reasons we are being rejected and we need to take a hard look and be honest. Self-publishing is suffering a stigma from too many writers publishing before they’re ready. If you really want to self-publish, I’m here to support you and cheer you all the way, but remember, we have to write better than the traditional authors.

Tactical Error #2 No Prepared Platform

The day we decide to do this writing thing for real is the day we need to start creating a platform and brand. Even traditional authors goof this up. I cannot count how many times I get a message saying, “Hey, I have a book coming out next month. I need to do social media. Can you help?”

Seriously? O_o

I’m Kristen Lamb, not Harry Potter.

Tactical Error #3 Believing that, “If We Write it They Will Come”

There are a lot of writers who mistakenly believe that self-publishing is an easier and faster way to fame and success. Yeah, um no. And those magic beans are really just beans. Sorry. I was bummed, too.

Self-publishing is A LOT of work, especially if we are starting out this way. I know Bob Mayer and Joe Konrath lecture writers to do less social media and more writing. To an extent I agree, but here is the thing. These guys were branded traditional authors who could slap New York Times Best-Selling in front of their names when they decided to go it alone.

If you can’t slap New York Times Best-Selling in front of your name and upload a NY vetted backlist longer than your arm? Prepare for a ton of work.

Tactical Error #4 Misusing FREE!

There are a lot of problems with giving books away for FREE! We shouldn’t be giving away our work unless it serves some kind of a strategic advantage. There are ways to effectively harness they power of FREE! but too few writers understand how to do this and they just end up giving away their art for no tangible gain.

Tactical Error #5 Shopping One Book to DEATH

One of the BIGGEST problems I see with self-published writers is that they publish one book and then they focus every bit of energy on selling THAT book.

They fill up #MyWANA and all the writing hashtags with link spam promoting their books. They keep futzing with the cover, the web site, the promotions. They do blog tours until they drop, and they do everything except what is going to help that book sell a ton of copies…write more books.

Here’s the thing. Self-publishing, in many ways, just allows us to accelerate the career path of the author. Even in traditional publishing, it usually takes about three books to gain traction. In traditional publishing, this takes three years because we are dealing with a publisher’s schedule.

In self-publishing, we can make our own schedule, but it still takes THREE BOOKS MINIMUM. I know there are exceptions, but most self-published successes hit at about book three. The ability to offer multiple titles is a huge part of why John Locke became successful.

This is why it is critical to keep writing. Not only will writing more books make you a better writer, but once people discover they love your writing, they have a number of titles to purchase. Being able to offer multiple titles is how we make money at self-publishing. It also helps us maximize the whole FREE! tactic.

Yesterday, I bought six books (1,500 pages) of research. I just published my latest book five days ago…and I’m starting on my next book. Goal is to have the first draft completed by August. I don’t tell you guys to do anything that, I myself, am unwilling to do.

Remember Why We Do This

Self-publishing is a wonderful alternative. Just because we self-publish doesn’t mean we cannot publish other ways, too. I feel the author of the future will actually be a hybrid author, and I do believe that the ability to self-publish is challenging all of us to come up higher. We are striving to be better writers, to be better entrepreneurs, to get better at organization and time-management and to write more books and better books. If we can learn from these mistakes and grow, then the future is ours for the taking.

A little humor…

My own story…

What have been some of your challenges with self-publishing? In what areas is it forcing you to grow? Have you had to outsource? What sacrifices have you made? Tell us your story!

I love hearing from you!

To prove it and show my love, for the month of July, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly.

NOTE: My prior two books are no longer for sale, but I am updating them and will re-release. My new book, Rise of the Machines–Human Authors in a Digital World is NOW AVAILABLE. 

I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less) .

Right now, I am flattened with a cold or flu or something that just makes me want to crawl off into a dark place and die, so I will announce last month’s winners sometime this week.

And also, winners have a limited time to claim the prize, because what’s happening is there are actually quite a few people who never claim the critique, so I never know if the spam folder ate it or to look for it and then people miss out. I will also give my corporate e-mail to insure we connect and I will only have a week to return the 20 page edit.

At the end of July I will pick a winner for the monthly prize. Good luck!

Brave New Publishing & Attack of the Feral Plot Bunnies

That rabbit is DYNAMITE!

It’s a Brave New World of Publishing out there. We’re no longer locked into only one path to becoming a professional writer. Yet,  despite all the shinies and tools and gadgets, there are core fundamentals that will remain unchanged.

Humans LOVE a good story. One of the reasons I worked so hard to put together a simple plan for author branding is the writing needs to be paramount. Most writers, no matter which path they choose, do not see success on the first book. A standard tipping point is book THREE.

Many of you are hearing stories of writers-gone-indie who are making a really good living. Most of these authors are comprised of two types of writers:

a) Authors with extensive backlists.

They worked their tails off for years and years and wrote A LOT of books and got the rights back to those old titles. Time didn’t change the fact that these were still really good stories. But, reality dictates that B&N can only shelve so many books. 

But note, these authors already put in YEARS of sweat-equity. They are reaping NEW harvest from older works.

b) Authors who work hard and write their tails off and write A LOT of books.

Indie authors Amanda Hocking, John Locke, Aaron Patterson, etc. didn’t see success with Book One. They wrote their tails off and built up a tremendous amount of potential energy. Thus, when word-of-mouth ignited? These authors enjoyed the benefits of compounded sales. They didn’t write ONE book and then beat others to death marketing it.

How To Be Successful in the New Paradigm

Regardless which publishing path you choose, writers have to learn to write good books at a professional pace. Yes, sure it took six years to write that first book, but what if NY loves it and hands you a three-book deal? Are they going to give you 18 years to complete your obligation?

Without certain fundamental skills, it’s easy to get lost in a labyrinth of plot bunnies…bunnies that, over time, turn feral. Plot bunnies, like real bunnies, multiply like CRAZY if left untended.

Our stories can get so complicated we need a team of sherpas and a GPS to locate our original idea. This wastes time and makes it hard to keep writing more books. Thus, to combat this, writers must:

Learn to Develop a Bad Situation into a Solid Core Story Problem

The best way to combat feral plot bunnies is to truly understand the antagonist. What are the different types of antagonists? How do we use them to generate page-turning tension and thus keep the bunnies at bay?

Most new writers don’t properly understand the antagonist, yet the antagonist is the reason for the story problem which must be solved by Act III. If the core is weak, the rest of the story will be flawed. I watch writers rework the same book year after year after year and yet, I can tell in five minutes what the problem is.

No core antagonist. No clear story problem. Ripe breeding ground for plot bunnies.

This is why a lot of writers want to throw up in their shoes when faced with having to pitch an agent.

Lack of a core story problem makes it impossible to generate true dramatic tension, thus what we are left with is drama’s inbred cousin, melodrama.

Plot bunnies LOVE melodrama.

Problem is, we aren’t taught to write commercial fiction in school and so we have options:

Read a bazillion books. Read so much story structure is practically embedded in our DNA.
Read a bazillion books then write a bazillion books (most of them bad) and then finally write enough books we stop sucking.
Read a lot, write a lot, read craft books and get some training in commercial fiction.
Read a lot, write a lot, read craft books, break apart movies, go to conferences/critique groups and get some training in how to write good fiction

Notice there aren’t a lot of shortcuts. I was bummed too.

Most of us begin a book with a fuzzy idea, a scene and then we take off writing (Hey, I did it, too). Okay, but I want to make you aware that the story problem must be proportionate to the size of the work. Sometimes we do have a story problem, but it just isn’t strong enough to be a foundation for an entire novel. We have to get good at learning to:

Formulate interesting story problems.
Develop the core problem until it is strong enough to support a novel.
Make sure the problem is clear and actionable.
Learn to layer the problem to sustain dramatic tension.

When you get good at spotting good ideas and then developing that idea into something that can make an interesting novel, your writing will be leaner, meaner and faster. You will be able to write multiple books because you won’t be duct-taped in Act II by a hoard of rabid plot bunnies.

To help you guys, I am offering a class to train you to understand the antagonist and create solid plot problems quickly and easily.  As a gift to you, I am offering a 15% discount Wana15. Class is July 27 and in our WANA International Digital Classroom. I know it took me years and a lot of pain, heartache and cookie dough to grasp the concepts I will be teaching in this class.

Regardless the publishing path we choose, we need to be experts at our craft. My goal and WANA’s goal is to give you what you need to be successful.

So, are you being held hostage by feral plot bunnies? Are you stuck? Can’t seem to make it past a certain point in your novel? Is your work getting rejected and you’re unsure how to change it to make it work?

I love hearing from you!

To prove it and show my love, for the month of July, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly.

NOTE: My prior two books are no longer for sale, but I am updating them and will re-release. My new book, Rise of the Machines–Human Authors in a Digital World is NOW AVAILABLE. 

I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less) .

Right now, I am flattened with a cold or flu or something that just makes me want to crawl off into a dark place and die, so I will announce last month’s winners sometime this week.

And also, winners have a limited time to claim the prize, because what’s happening is there are actually quite a few people who never claim the critique, so I never know if the spam folder ate it or to look for it and then people miss out. I will also give my corporate e-mail to insure we connect and I will only have a week to return the 20 page edit.

At the end of July I will pick a winner for the monthly prize. Good luck!

Celebrating Writer Independence & I Got to Be a Cyborg

This week Americans are celebrating Independence Day. What better time to release my new book Rise of the Machines—Human Authors in a Digital World, right? Since, I’m a writer, I excel at self-delusion, so I can just pretend all those fireworks going off all week are for ME .

Aww, how THOUGHTFUL! You shouldn’t have. *clutches chest*

On Friday, we talked about The Democratization of Publishing and how brave colonists writers are forging it on their own without Mother England Publishing. And, right now? I’m sure there are some hurt feelings on the part of Mother Publishing. She’s cared for writers for over a century and now a handful of us rabble-rousers want to do our own thing and try new technologies on our own.

Thing is? Just like America and England eventually made up and became BFFs again, Mother Publishing will coexist with indies just fine (provided she reinvents in time, which I really hope she does). My loyalty is to writers, and, no matter which path you take—traditional or non-traditional—discoverability is a nightmare.

All writers who want to actually make money need a platform. Writers also need the publishing path that is best for their works and their personalities. I am just as supportive of NYC as self-publishing (though I have frustrations with both).

For me? I write social media books. My publishing path was chosen for me. With a lead-time of a YEAR in NYC? My new book wouldn’t have been out until it was obsolete. For the rest of you. Vive la Revolution! Now you have options. It is no longer a One-Size-Fits-All World.

Good News for NY Traditional Publishing

Indie publishing is a wonderful way for a new writer to build an audience and and learn the business side of the business. This is great for NY publishing in many ways. First, it helps mitigate Mother Publishing’s risk. Writers finally can build an audience before big money is invested getting that author into bookstores. Secondly, indie publishing trains up professionals. Mother Publishing can be more publisher than Mommy. Indies are also trying out a lot of new ideas and technologies and NY can wait and see what works. Why reinvent the wheel?

Good News for Writers

For a long time, it was a One-Size-Fits-All-World, and we saw the darn-near-extinction of certain types of writing. I recall an agent declaring, “Don’t send me a query for a poetry book. No one reads poetry.” And I thought, Um, I do. I read a lot of poetry but nothing modern. Why?

Hard to read it if no one publishes it.

We Can Be Creative with Books AND Business

Creative people are really great at…being creative. Shocking, right?

Independence from the paper paradigm has birthed a resurgence in short stories, serials, novellas, books of poetry, etc. We’ve seen new genres blossom when, in the old paradigm? They might have died (poetry) or never been born (Baby Boomer Romance). Many writers bring just as much creativity into business as they have in their writing. Daily I am astonished by the brilliance around me.

Why didn’t I think of THAT?

When I went to The Killion Group’s presentations in Crested Butte? I was…blown…away. They do covers for all types of authors (even traditional) and some of the marketing ideas? Genius. One thing they are doing is putting the first two chapters of the audio book in a QR code on the bookmark. Give a bookmark and a potential reader and listen to the first two chapters for free.

Yes, this falls under the category of Stuff I Wish I’d Thought Of.

When Jason Chatraw of Green E-Books formatted my new book? He added in relevant hyperlinks. When I talk about #MyWANA in the book? Those on a tablet can just click and join right there and see what I am talking about.

This is yet another way indie publishing is actually helping NY. Not only is the new paradigm vetting authors and weeding out the uncommitted or unprofessional, but creative people are actually coming up with a lot of cool new ideas that can benefit traditional publishing (provided they’re open to listening).

Writers are No Longer Strangled By Genre

I know that sometimes it can be frustrating being part of a world that changes by the minute. In this fast-paced society, we can easily get overwhelmed. Yet, at the same time, since writers are now plugged into a social media community, we can interact regularly with fans. Not only does this help sell books, but it also means we can write other STUFF. 

In the olden days, if a writer changed genres, she needed a pen name so as not to confuse readers. Now? Unless you are writing two types of genres that conflict? (I.e. Children’s books and Erotica) you only need ONE NAME. The same platform that is supporting your Regency Romance can support your Mystery-Thriller.

This means we can be even more creative because how many thrillers can a writer write before losing the thrill? We complain that Such-And-Such’s books just aren’t as good as her first ones. Um? NO DUH. Talk about pressure!

“Write forty books. Oh and each one needs to be BETTER than the last one and about the same stuff.”

*Falls over and DIES*

Independence is Scary

Yes, it is terrifying going out on your own, but rewarding as well. I know I could very well fail, but I get to at least try *shrugs*. I hated the boring prototypical NF covers. My demographic is WRITERS and we are worse than bass fish. OOH SHINY! I wanted a cover that appealed to creative people and that stood out to the point that it almost looks misplaced. It’s a gamble, but in the end?

I GOT TO BE A CYBORG…and that’s all that counts anyway .

What do you like about the new paradigm? What scares you? Have you taken on roles you never thought you could do? Have you grown in ways you never thought you could?

I love hearing from you!

To prove it and show my love, for the month of July, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly.

NOTE: My prior two books are no longer for sale, but I am updating them and will re-release. My new book, Rise of the Machines–Human Authors in a Digital World is NOW AVAILABLE. 

I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less) .

And also, winners have a limited time to claim the prize, because what’s happening is there are actually quite a few people who never claim the critique, so I never know if the spam folder ate it or to look for it and then people miss out. I will also give my corporate e-mail to insure we connect and I will only have a week to return the 20 page edit.

At the end of June I will pick a winner for the monthly prize. Good luck!

The Democratization of Publishing—Independence is Scary

Original image via Flikr Creative Commons, courtesy of geishaboy 500

I’m looking over the final formatting for my new book Rise of the Machines—Human Authors in a Digital World. The goal is to release it on July 4th for a number of reasons. My first book was called We Are Not Alone and then we have the whole Rise of the Machines thing goin’ on with the new book. What better day to release than Independence Day? Okay, May the Fourth might have been cooler, but the book wasn’t finished with editing at that point.

Yes, I am a sci-fi nerd .

Publishing has Been Democratized

Before the e-book/indie revolution, we writers relied on New York solely to grant us a career or not. We needed favor from the King traditional press to move forward. There was no other way unless we were willing to hand ten or twenty thousand dollars to a vanity press and hope we could duplicate The Grisham Effect.

Grisham Effect—Self-publish and sell books out of the back of our cars and hope to get NY’s attention. But note, this wasn’t true independence. It was investing a lot of money and time in hopes of gaining favor with NYC.

For well over a century, NY held total control over print, production, and distribution. Additionally, writers were at the mercy of the publishers’ sales forces. The sales force would look back at what had been selling in order to get an idea of what would sell in the future. 

Yeah, well we know this is an awesome post-apocalyptic book, but there are already too many on the market. NOPE.

Due to the business structure of legacy press, it was far harder to convince them to take risks (still is). They have overhead, pricey Manhattan rents, and employees to pay. Shareholders have expectations, too.

Not personal, just business. Still works that way.

Living with Mom and Dad

Going traditional reminds me a lot of living at home. It does have a lot of advantages. I lived with my grandparents during my teen years and the fridge was always full. I didn’t have to sit and pay bills or get a job and pray I made enough tip money to keep the lights on. Of course this security came with limited freedom.

I had a curfew. There were restrictions on how I could dress, where I could go, who I could hang out with, and how I spent my  limited “spending money.” But, it was safe, predictable, and did I mention safe?

Take Care of Me

When I landed a premium agent, I thought, “Score! NY will LOVE this book. Surely I won’t have to do the heavy lifting.” Then my proposal sat…and sat…and sat some more. I didn’t want to leave the traditional nest, but I wasn’t being granted access to the traditional world either.

I was in Limbo, and had to make a choice. Stay in the nest or fly.

Image via Flikr Creative Commons, courtesy of Tim Simpson.

Moving Out

Going alone is terrifying. When I finally made the decision to move out of my grandparents’ home, life became much scarier and utterly unpredictable. I had to do a lot of stuff to survive that I would never had to do had I stayed in the nest. I wouldn’t have had to throw newspapers all night long just to crawl into my 8:00 a.m. Political Science class.

Had I stayed at home, I wouldn’t have had to sleep on a mattress on the floor (left there by previous owners of the duplex I rented). I wouldn’t have had to shop at Goodwill for my clothes or hover around Dumpsters like a turkey buzzard looking for useful things people threw away.

***Note: NEVER take home anything made of CLOTH. The bugs will carry you away. Yes, learned this the hard way by taking home the Sofa of DOOM.

Original image via Flikr Creative Commons, courtesy of Lord Jim

Ah, but there was no going back, and failure had a far steeper price.

Leaving the Traditional Nest

Like many of you, I finally had to make a decision and move out. I wanted an agent and editor to be there for me, to do all that “business stuff.” After two years?

I was finally willing to give up security for freedom.

I didn’t want to have to wear all hats and be all things. Ah, but what we want and what we get in life are two different things. Not only did I have to leave the traditional nest, I had to leave the indie publisher nest.

I left because I wanted to try self-publishing, and I also knew I wouldn’t get the creative control I wanted, thus couldn’t fully spread my wings and crash to the ground and die try new ideas.

Image via WANA Commons, courtesy of Melissa Bowersock

Author Independence

Here in America, we will be celebrating Independence Day. Americans believed they could create something different, something better. Meanwhile England was all like, “A government of the people, by the people and for the people? Are you HIGH? We protect you from wild Indians and send you supplies. We keep order.”

Writers are now facing the same shift.

Despite the scary wilderness ahead and the idea writers would 1) have to do a lot of stuff ourselves and 2) have no long-established body of support (Mother England Publishing) and 3) try things never done before in human history? We’re doing it.

The Indie movement is creating a paradigm that’s “Of the reader, for the reader and by the reader.” If we succeed, it’s because we did something right. We earned attention and loyalty from readers. Granted, the scary part is that we can just as easily get skewered by readers.

It’s the risk we take.

Original image via Flikr Creative Commons, courtesy of Peter Dutton

Yet, by breaking free, we have a chance to explore and test new ideas and combine or even create new genres. We can fail, learn from that failure and try again. We are part of a creative revolution and, like any revolution, not all of it’s pretty. But, some of it, in the end, is GLORIOUS.

So to all authors brave enough to go indie press or even go it alone? Hats off to you. And even those authors who are publishing traditionally? You are part of the revolution as well: social media, blogging and even hybridizing (self-publishing in between books to keep fans excited). It is a great time to be a writer, so Happy Independence to all of you.

Vive la Revolution!

For the indies out there, have you enjoyed your freedom? What’s been scary? Have you failed but learned a vital lesson? What are your concerns? Advice? Suggestions? Did you ever take home a Sofa of Doom? What crazy stuff did you have to do when you were first on your own?

Now get back to writing .

I love hearing from you!

To prove it and show my love, for the month of June, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly.

NOTE: My prior two books are no longer for sale. My new book, Rise of the Machines–Human Authors in a Digital World will be out (God-willing) July 4th. I will let y’all know when it’s ready for sale and I am updating/rewriting the other two  .

I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less) .

And also, winners have a limited time to claim the prize, because what’s happening is there are actually quite a few people who never claim the critique, so I never know if the spam folder ate it or to look for it and then people miss out. I will also give my corporate e-mail to insure we connect and I will only have a week to return the 20 page edit.

At the end of June I will pick a winner for the monthly prize. Good luck!

Body Dysmorphia is OUT OF CONTROL! Now Affecting the Mannequins

Help those with no voice!

Many men and women suffer over body image issues. We try to eat healthy, work out and yet we can never measure up. For most of us, we just wear black in mourning for our pre-baby figures. We live in yoga pants and the idea of bathing suit shopping requires three stiff drinks and a Xanax. For me? I haven’t worn shorts in fifteen years.

Is the pressure to be thin too much? The actresses and models get skinnier and skinnier by the year. When did ZERO become a SIZE?

I actually happen to be a size 6-8-10-12-14-16-22 depending on where I shop.

And then, when I DO finally get drunk enough the urge to shop, I am greeted with this:

Um, when did MATCHSTICKS become sexy?

And then THIS:

Huh?

Whatever happened to wanting to look like Marilyn Monroe or Jane Mansfield? Women used to be soft and curvy and sexy. Now we aspire to look like the sliver of wood that holds together hors d’oeuvres we’re too scared to eat?

Because we would be SO FAT! Like, a size SIX!

MOOOOOOOO!!!!!

I knew that the fashion industry was creating a body-dysmorphia problem of epic proportions, but I didn’t know how bad it was until I saw THIS:

I don’t eat. I’m disciplined, but I can’t *SOBS* I just can’t!

We thought anorexia and bulemia among young girls and women was bad, but now body issues are now even affecting inanimate objects. Though headless, many mannequins are getting fatter and can’t keep up with the ever-shrinking sizes.

When I interviewed this poor mannequin (we will call her “Sheila” to protect her identity), she claimed the pressure to be perfect all the time was too much. She’s supposed to just stand there and be ogled for NO PAY, and now apparently a Size Zero is FAT.

Sheila is a Size Zero, but this store forced her to model the newest size/fashion craze…a Size Negative Three. The store believed that if the clothes were tight, Sheila would stop being such an undisciplined pig and lose weight. Everyone walking by would see her bulging sweater and then maybe she would stop stuffing her non-existent face.

Save the mannequins. It’s bad enough that men, women and children are suffering with body image issues, but we have rights. Mannequins like Sheila have no voice (likely due, in part to the lack of a head). Sheila needs us to CARE!

Stop the madness. Boycott Matchstick Jeans and Toothpick Pants! The fashion industry has lost its ever-loving MIND and people are hurting enough, why should people of plastic and foam suffer, too?

Have you noticed any inanimate objects getting fat? Maybe your couch is eating too many chips and Goldfish? Is your vacuum getting a bloated bag belly? Hampers stuffing themselves? Refrigerators food hoarding?

I love hearing from you!

To prove it and show my love, for the month of June, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly.

NOTE: My prior two books are no longer for sale. My new book, Rise of the Machines–Human Authors in a Digital World will be out (God-willing) July 4th. I will let y’all know when it’s ready for sale and I am updating/rewriting the other two .

I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less) .

And also, winners have a limited time to claim the prize, because what’s happening is there are actually quite a few people who never claim the critique, so I never know if the spam folder ate it or to look for it and then people miss out. I will also give my corporate e-mail to insure we connect and I will only have a week to return the 20 page edit.

At the end of June I will pick a winner for the monthly prize. Good luck!