Brian Krans's Blog, page 16
February 5, 2014
Blader Digest: A Few Questionable Morals
You guys watch the debate between scientist Billy Nye and creationist Ken Ham? Did you sit back with an open mind? Did you honestly think, “Well, I’m rooted in my beliefs, but I’m interested in what the other side has to offer?”
No, no you didn’t.
Why? Maybe you’re an atheist looking for vindication from a religious upbringing or a theist looking for affirmation of the same. And that’s to be expected.
Beliefs, and morals as well, are often deeply rooted in childhood experiences and you don’t need to be Sigmund Freud to get that.
But the debate was probably the same as every State of the Union address: an endless sea of eye-rolling waves slowing deteriorating a solid rock foundation.
Just like a beach isn’t made in a day, the debate created little to no conversion. Few die-hard believers will be missing a Sunday service because of what Bill Nye said (if they’re pastor even permitted them watch), nor will archeologist believe the bones they dug up were put there by God to test their faith.
It may, however, change a few younger and impressionable minds. It is, after all, when guys selling Jesus door-to-door can snag the most donations and the hardest convictions are formed.
Because, and I’m not sure how much you paid attention in history or finance class, but beliefs make fucking money. Here in good ol’ separation-of-church-and-state U.S.A., our churches don’t pay taxes, so they have plenty of money to build huge churches funded by their faithful. (At least some of them make for good skate spots.)
Brian Freeman skating the Oakland Catholic Diocese building (as seen on wheelscene.co.uk)
But unshakable beliefs and morals are good things, right?
Yes and no.
If you do something negatively to another person because of beliefs, you’re a dick. If you stick to your morals and do what you believe is right—so long as it doesn’t harm another human being—then you’re one of the good guys. Or so I believe it goes.
But that isn’t always the case, which is where “hating”—as the kids call it—can sometimes be a good thing.
For example, any comments from Bill Nye the Science Guy could be seen as an attack on religion and persecuting people for their beliefs. While I doubt that’s what happened, you can be damn sure some pulpits in front of registered voters will spin it that way.
Whether it be debating how we came to be—from a higher power or years of fighting and fucking to carry on our genes—there should always be a devil’s advocate in the room. Someone should always be asking questions, but when people start stooping to antics to get reactions then that’s when even Satan himself throws his arms up in disgust.
Because if you let certain people rise to power and fame unchecked, then they’re going to influence too many people with their narrow mindset.
I mean, I hate to do it, but when many want to see the ills of religion, they need to look no further than the Westboro Baptist Church. Then again, for science, we have guys like Andrew Wakefield, the asshole who manipulated data to falsely make people believe that vaccines cause autism.
Is everyone of any group—whether religion, race, gender, ethnicity, or any other divisible sect including wheeled recreation—just as bad as their worst members? No, of course not. Basic statistics say it’s impossible, and I got a B+ in that shit.
But, yes, debates should always happen. Anytime you get too many people with the same ideals, morals, or beliefs to sit stagnant and unchallenged for long enough, you’re going to get some bullshit out of it. Like some seriously heinous bullshit.
(See: wars, genocide, oppression, hate-mongering, etc.) Then again, if you’re the ruling class, these things are often in your favor, so it’s all a matter of perspective, both in the present and the past.
And yes, this is leading to a frank discussion about Shaun White and his beliefs. He was, after all, linked up with them since he was 10, as is evident in this MTV Sports clip posted on ONE Magazine’s site.
The above video is actually a greater piece of evidence in Shaun’s favor than anything else I can see. It shows that he’s been sharing skate parks with all types, including when skate parks were mobbed by rollerbladers, especially when we were the sport with kids who sat around and got in the way more than they actually skated.
Rollerbladers, for a brief period in history, were the ruling class in action sports. It’s still the fastest-growing recreation sport America has ever seen.
That gives more than enough probability that Shaun encountered enough dickbags who wouldn’t think twice about cussing out out a little kid for doing what he loves. That, according to classical and modern psychology, can leave some baggage on a kid.
That might explain why the now 27-year-old, two Olympic gold medal-, 10 ESPY-, and highest X-Games gold medal-winning professional athlete and millionaire businessman Shaun White stated to Snowboarder Magazine, he has “moral”obligations to manufacturing rollerblades with his name on it.
Psychological effects of previous blader sins might have something to do with it, but then again, if someone of his stature has ethical reservations about shilling our wares at Target means we’re still a threat. Why would such a prominent and profitable action sports super star even say he’s “morally” against producing rollerblades?
One could argue—and I will—that by saying that he’ll sell more skateboards. It’s “edgy” to say you’re against blading because most people hear rollerblading and still believe every Spandex-wrapped stereotype that was going on when Shaun White was 10 years old and on MTV.
Don’t you get it? Man, the Flying Tomato said he’ll put his name on skateboards and scooters (profitable), but not on rollerblades (not-profitable), so it has to be about morals?
It’s a shame though. I was looking forward to Shaun White rollerblades, which, I’m sure, would be right on par in terms of quality, with, oh, I don’t know, possibly Airwalks?
Yes, I've tried these before, and, yes, they blow.
Could you imagine what would happen if Shaun White made skates, which made them cool for little kids, which increased rollerbladers at the skate park?
Oh, Jesus Hector Cheerios he would lose so much money!
Skateboarder cred out the window, next he’d be ask on the slopes if he’s down with Sled Dogs!
Who would chew his gum then?
It’s simple, kids: skateboarding sells because it’s edgy and cool, which will always be the most popular way to market something. And that’s what Shaun White is all about. Oh, and snowboarding, but according to popular skateboarder logic, that’s lame too because it’s attached to your feet. That’s how it works, right? Anyone care to fill me in on that?
Please don’t let any of this serve as some bullshit cry against skateboarders. I’ve done that enough to make myself look stupid. You don’t have to repeat my mistakes.
This is, however, about the skateboarding industry and businessmen like Shaun White who cry morals when they mean money. For example, let’s take a look at his direct quote from Snowboarder Magazine, but, let’s give it the church treatment—we’ll sub in financial motives if morality clouds the issue.
“…I did say no to rollerblades because I just had to [financially] draw a line. I have never really been a big fan of rollerblades. They were like, ‘Rollerblades are huge in Europe!’ I’m like, ‘I really don’t care. We’ll let the scooters slide, but I’m not [funding] rollerblades.’”
Then again, maybe it’s just as simple of a fact that Shaun White just doesn’t like rollerblading. Maybe too many old skaters fucked with him, snaked him, or crashed into him that left such a bad taste in his mouth that even the gum can’t scrub out.
And that’s entirely his right, but to call it a moral issue? Because, as I’m sure, the kids wearing his cargo shorts from Target AREN’T the same age as the kids who made them.
And just like Ken Ham, Shaun White ain’t convincing me of shit. White’s a hell of a talented athlete just as I’m sure Ham is a heaven of a preacher, but that doesn’t mean their talks on morality have any kind of actual truth to them.
White’s yet another white kid on MTV who started earning money too early and didn’t have enough free time to develop the necessary personality traits required to not be a douche.
But fuck it. White’s in Russia competing for America, so go him.
Because if 80s pro-American action and suspense films told me anything, it’s about clomping through Russian snow to beat some Commie ass.
But just because Shaun White is representing America, it doesn’t mean we all agree with him, just as we all know his opinions don’t reflect the majority of skateboarders. He’s just another celebrity who said something and I’m just another idiot writing shit on the internet about it.
Either way, I’m glad what I do morally upsets people like White and Ham.
Blade or Die,
— Brian Krans
P.S.—If you want to hear more trash I can write about celebrities (although all these are fictional), I’d appreciate any and all support to help fund my next novel, Assault Rifles & Pedophiles: An American Love Story on Kickstarter.
The cover was designed by blader Kyler Martz, designed by blader Brandon Ballog, and the video below was created by blader Ivan Narez.
January 14, 2014
Blader Digest: Shooting Baby Billy Ray’s Boobs [NSFW, Obviously]
If you’re here to see Miley Cyrus’ boobs because this is where Google told you to go, check them out:
Yay! Hope you feel better. See you later.
For the rest of you, you might be wondering what the Disney princess’ chest has to do with anything outside of fodder for enraged pedophiles who say it came too late. The photo was allegedly leftovers from Maxim’s Hot 100 shoot and released this week (and I use allegedly firmly because I’m going off reporting from gossip sites here) with Billy Ray Jr. and Brian Bowen Smith.
Brian Smith, Blading’s First B. Smith
Brian Bowen Smith—or Brian Smith to those blading long enough to remember his 1-800-Call-ATT commercial (or even remembering what calling collect was without a trip to the county jail)—has photographed more stars from any 90s spank bank than any Playboy photographer.
But Smith didn’t land somewhere out of no where to snag the kind of shot that gives too many people something they’ve been waiting to see. Then again, after the VMAs and the “Wrecking Ball” video, a still of the now-21-year-old version of Hannah Montana’s bare chest isn’t much to see.
Regardless of anything, people are looking and they’re looking at a Brian Bowen Smith photograph.
(Full disclaimer: I had to write about her ass antics for work, so don’t mistake anything here as judgement against any party involved.)
It is, without a doubt, a influential moment of childhood mega-stardom, like when Lindsay Lohan fucked up her first stint at court-ordered rehab or when an Olsen Twin was implicated in the death of The Joker: at what point do we let go and reel back in shame over what we, a supposedly evolved society, have created?
I guess that’s a conversation best saved for another, longer media.
But Smith has the client list most iPhone photographers would love to post to Instagram, from Cindy Crawford to Mila Kunis and John Hamm and Samuel L. Jackson in the pages of magazines we’ve all seen.
Side note: one of his subjects was Aaron Paul, from Breaking Bad, who you may remember was allegedly doing stunts on the blades at the same Smith was dealing up Hoax offerings. Kind of cool, if you think about it.
The Days of Ringer T-Shirts and Belt Buckles are coming back,you know
While a full-grown adult with a vibrant professional life, the spirit of Brian Bowen Smith’s photography is still that of a young and daring Brian Smith ala T-Bone films.
He’s the man who brought his own vibe to our sport, especially during the red VHS days of Hoax II, which just so happens to be the first time I saw rollerblading outside of ESPN.
This was the guy switching up on kinked rails, smacking his man-pretty face on bannisters, screaming like a banshee at a skate shop, and eating canned dog food, all things you should expect of a touring pro rollerblader in the early 90s.
He was the guy peeing on Mike Opalek’s head while he puked in Smith’s houseplant (True story, according to Opalek). Yet their reunion tour a few moons ago left Opalek with an original Smith tattooed autograph on the bottom of his foot:
I left this sideways so those of you reading this on your phones while taking a dump at work have yourself a difficult time.
“I’ll never ask him for anything, yet all he does is give me stuff,” Opalek told me.
But outside the boyish tomfoolery, Smith gets the best endorsements for his professional work. But if blading will teach you anything, getting respectful praise from men who knew each other as boys, well…
“Brian’s photography stands up to the best of them out there these days. But what sets him apart is the way he makes the talent feel on set. He’s all personality and fun, and makes everyone feel like they’ve known him for years. He gets the photos most would never have the chance to.” — Mike Opalek
So Hannah Montana flashing the second or third to last bit of flesh she has left to bare shouldn’t come as any surprise to anyone who knows Smith’s work.
We should all strive to be famous enough to get a studio session with him.
But hey, you know there isn’t just one blading celebrity photographer out there.
Tyler Shields & The Sold Out ShoW
Questioned whether “Warhol or Wannabe” by LA Weekly, Tyler Shields has taken some topless photos too, but he made his mark in Hollywood by getting them from a different child star, 17-year-old child actress Abigail Breslin, or Olive from Little Miss Sunshine.
Just like Smith, not really too much of a shock if you know his work. His book is titled The Dirty Side of Glamour, after all.
The guy seems to have a theme and I’m sure it’s at the ire of political correctness, feminism, and other things that don’t jibe well in the world of high fashion and art.
One of his photos, among the many controversial ones, involved setting a $100,000 purse on fire and his girlfriend at the time, who just so happens to be Clint Eastwood’s daughter.
At least the photo allegedly sold for $75,000.
Shields, whose roots in blading dip nearly as far back as Smith’s, gave us many gifts, including War, featuring this section from a then-upcoming Chris Haffey:
But not all are set with seeing a rollerblader rise to fame…
Then again, negative press is still press. Or, as Warhol himself put it, “Don’t pay any attention to what they write about you. Only measure it in inches.”
But Shields got a few feet of good press last week when he discovered fellow Dirty South blader Kevin Dowling’s sacrifice to get his Atlanta show going.
Their story will give you a Dickensian hard-on:
Atlanta’s Dowling had one of those go-for-broke moments made for Hollywood: he was slinging prints of his photography from his makeshift studio in the back of a U-Haul. He had to sell off some of his camera equipment because shit wasn’t paying the bills. When Shields heard of Dowling’s brazen antics to get his art out at the costs he’d already paid, Shields agreed to buy all of Dowlin’s prints—for $20,000.
That’s some straight-up Great Expectations shit right there. And Pip couldn’t be happier…
“Tyler is one of the most influential photographers of our time, so for him to support what I am doing is incredibly motivating,” Share on Facebook
December 18, 2013
Blader Digest: 2013 Was a Damn Fine Year for Blading
In a few short weeks, we’re going to close out the 2013th year of our Lord. While the U.S. media is busy debating the ethnicity of he and his fat bastard uncle, Santa, we here at Blade or Die hope you get nothing but freshies in your stocking or under your Festivus pole.
From saying goodbye to BCSD to watching Richie Eisler’s backside on a Vancouver bridge go viral, it was yet another stellar year of rollerblading history.
This year’s awards are dedicated to the memory of Brandon Negrete, who continually made our sport look its best by pushing skaters and blade media to inspire us Forever (Negrete). You will be missed but never forgotten.
Without further ado, here are Blade or Die’s annual recognition of some of the best in a year of blade.
(But don’t forget to check out ONE Magazine’s Awards as well.)
Skater of the Year: Richie Eisler
This designation from this site is long overdue, mainly because Richie has been steadily slaying the blade game for a long time now. While 2013 was no different, his skating managed to possess the blading finesse to make Danny Beer’s edit of his skating in Vancouver to go viral, which, as we all know is no small feat.
Richie snagged up a few contest wins while continue to skate the globe like it’s his backyard p-rail, so there’s not much else to say that hasn’t already been said. You can read more of my perspectives on Richie in Blader Digest: How Richie Eisler Saved Rollerblading Forever.
Congratulations, Richie. You certainly earned it. Just wish there was money to go with it, but hopefully you accept IOUs.
Edit of the Year: Billy O’Neill SSM
Now, it may seem a bit strange to talk heavily about a guy’s edit that got so much attention and then not give him edit of the year, but unless you forgot, Fish put out this wonderment of blading spectacles five months ago thanks to the Hatian Mag kids.
It’s two-and-a-half minutes of classically pure Fish style and hammers, but even decades after his name became known, the man continues to push himself and our sport into dizzying blends of stupidity, malice, and ballsiness.
In one edit, he essentially retired the Staples Center ledge by filling in the details of his Hatian Mag cover shot, and went between, over, around, and under some sketchy and weird rail spots.
Oh, now we jump over rails to get to shit now. Death gap not good enough? Oh, 270 over one rail so you can top soul another? That’s fine. No really, that’s real fucking fine! Thanks, Bill. I’ll be right there behind you.
I’ll put it this way, from one New Yorker to another…
Bill, you’re a sick, sick fucking guy, but I’ll leave that burly Evil Knevil shit to you.
But, for group edits, you can’t beat the Valo X Strange edit from this fall…
Blade Duo of the Year: Franky and E. Rod
It’s not just one edit combining the physics- and body-contorting blading from Franky Moralaes and flavorful capturing and editing styles of Erick Rodriguez, but it was a year full of them.
Just to see where the two are going—just on mere aesthetics alone—check out 0:19 to 0:23 of their latest edit. (If you’re smart, you’ll watch, or have already watched, the full thing.)
And just for fun, check out the one they released two weeks before that one.
Gives me the damn shivers. Can’t wait to see what they have in store for 2014.
There’s another edit from E. Rod below, so don’t click away too fast.
Video of the Year: Valo V
We’ve all talked about this already, and I’ve already written about it enough, so let’s keep this short and sweet. The long-awaited next Valo team video after 4Life did not disappoint. With the addition of David Sizemore, the scale and veracity of the team’s skating, as well as the B-roll from their numerous travels and interactions, was a complete joy to watch.
The content of the film aside, you could buy copies of the video, complete with photo book casing, immediately after the premiere at the theater. RIGHT AFTER THE VIDEO WAS PREMIERED!!!
Every time Ivan puts out a video, he has to put together some fancy shit. Since his last two videos came with books, I’m curious to see what the slippery fucker has planned next.
For the rest of the team, I can’t think of a single one of them—Bailey and Broskow to Itchy and Cosi—whose skating doesn’t make my palms awkwardly sweaty.
NOTE: Shout out to El_CHVPO for utilizing available technology to allow for cheap rentals or downloads. Read more about it at Be-Mag and why it’s the best $2 you can spend all year.
Section of the Year: Victor Arias in Valo V
This fucking guy.
Long ago, Victor Arias made his name on control and style (a rarity for someone as tall as he is). Maturing off somewhere on a horse ranch, the man shines any moment a camera is pointed at him (or he’s pointing it at others as Ivan’s main second-filmer [or first, depending on who is telling the story]).
Victor’s section stacked hammer on hammer, leaving one to wonder if the last trick wasn’t the ender, what was coming next. And what came next, in rapid fire succession, is an edit that will be replayed and reposted for the next decade and with great merit.
I’d post a video of it, but since I try to keep inter-blader piracy and thievery to a minimum, you’ll have to buy it yourself or borrow it from a friend to see what you’ve been missing out on, or at least missing since you last saw it.
Contest of the Year: BSCD
BCSD, we’ll always miss you, but we’ll never forget you, too.
Honorable mention: Blading Cup. Shit’s hella fun. You should go. Fuck, some Middle Eastern lifestyle magazine printed a story about it along with a fucking Hobbit. How fucking cool is that?
(Again, sorry for the lack of international contests in here, but I’ve never been to one and I can’t endorse something I’ve never experienced, like heroin. Now that I’m free at the end of February, feel free to send me a plane ticket to Winterclash and I’ll check it out.)
Best Facial Hair: Jan Welch and Matthias St. John
Since everyone and their brother is rocking a beard now (myself included), you better grow something gnarly to get noticed. Jan and Matthias are no newcomers. They didn’t throw away their razor for Movember or any other silly testicle-related endeavor. No, these men are pioneers of their craft.
Both could host a commune of birds and squirrels with room to spare. (I think it might have something to do with hanging out with B. Free. Somebody should look into that.)
Best Non-Skate Product: Cupron Socks
For my day job, I write about health and science stuff, so people are always sending me stuff, from self-help books to “miracle cures.” About a month ago, Cupron Socks sent me two pairs of their diabetic socks. I’m not diabetic, but I started using them on their claims that they kill the fungus that kills athletes foot. Hell, they worked for Chilean miners trapped below the Earth’s surface, so surely they could handle some blade fungus.
If you’ve ever been around me long enough, you know my feet are disgusting. After years of going from skates to boots without a shower in the middle, there’s some funky stuff going on down there. (Hell, I clouded up Bambrick’s house so bad after BCSD I was nearly thrown into a snow bank.)
Besides the cushy padding, the copper oxide built into the socks has really helped my feet from making my girlfriend’s eyes water after walking a few miles each day. So that pays for itself.
While you might think it’s a bit ridiculous to pay $40 for three pairs of socks, it’s a hell of a lot better than dishing out $8 a week for a can of Tinactin and your bathroom floor won’t look like you have a blow problem.
Team of the Year: USD
The Yankees of rollerblading, USD pays its skaters well, and for that cash, they’re expected to produce results. And they did.
Everyone on the USD pro team pulled hard this year. Besides the aforementioned Richie and Frankie, there’s still Jeff Dalnas, Demetrios George, Nick Lomax, and Matheiu Ledoux.
Oh yeah, let’s not forget Montre Livingston, another contender for skater of the year. The man is one of the best crowd pleasers to ever hit the game. Fast, big, and always cheesing, Montre is always a damn fine representation about everything good about blading.
Check out the rest of the team’s year on The Conference’s Vimeo page.
Scene of the Year: JSF (Yes, Two Years in a Row)
From documenting the game and pushing it forward, these band of miscreants are my family, my brothers from other mothers, and a crew whose influence spans from the top of Rollerblade, Valo, and Razor down to the scummy depths of Fester, SSM, and numerous other brands.
These guys are the best, can keep a contest hype at full volume for days, and could probably out-smoke some of the gnarliest veteran potheads on the game.
Three of us—Ivan, B. Smith, and myself—were named ONE Magazines videographer, photographer, and writer of the year, respectively, so we have that going for us as well.
A big congrats to Erick “El Presidente” Garcia for once again upping the skitching game. Again, if you haven’t seen Valo V, you should even if it’s just to watch ESG skitch Bay Bridge morning traffic behind B. Smith’s motorcycle.
It’s JSF as fuck.
Blade or Die (and Happy New Year)
— Brian Krans
November 21, 2013
Blader Digest: How Richie Eisler Saved Rollerblading Forever
Okay, so that headline is bullshit.
It was just meant to grab your attention. Yes, this column is about Richie Eisler’s rollerblading, but it’s also about how eager people are to write catchy headlines. Hell, it’s good business on the internet.
So, to bring you up to speed if you’re new, Richie Eisler put up another of his edits. You should have seen a few by now or you should feel bad. Well, that bearded Canadian who’s seen more of the globe than Google Maps decided to put together another rollerblading tour of a major city.
If you’re not new, you’ll remember his Barcelona edit:
So then he decided to go back to the homeland to show Vancouver what the fuck is up. The first clip alone is amazing. Good job to Danny Beer for filming it.
If you don’t believe me, start singing “Happy Birthday” (but don’t let anyone hear you because it’s copyrighted) when he jumps on the barrier. It’s more awkward when you finish the song and Richie’s still going than it is when people sing it to you on your birthday.
And yes, Aggressive Mall asked how fast he was going. Doing my best to calculate the distance and time, Richie’s average speed was 22 mph with an estimated top speed of 32. (I’d show my work, but fuck you.)
The first 22 seconds of grinding has live traffic, big risk, control, and produces the same tingles as Erick Garcia skitching B. Smith’s motorcycle on the old Bay Bridge and cessing down an off-ramp as seen in V.
Fun fact: a blader, Ryan Evanchik, helped build the new Bay bridge. For historical perspective, the area has been waiting for a new bridge that wouldn’t create the same catastrophe that happened during the 1989 earthquake. Guy’s work may save some lives. Buy him a beer.
Anyway, Richie’s edit goes on beyond the first trick. And it’s just a continuous stream of solid blading that is Richie Eisler.
You know, for the kind of stuff he’s doing on a regular basis, I could learn to forgive Canada for Bieber.
So this one went through the normal rollerblading media cycle. Then I nearly shit my pants when I saw the edit make the front page of Reddit’s /r/video subreddit. I posted Richie’s Barcelona edit there long ago when the usual rollerblading gif made it’s rounds. I think the title that time was “So close…” or some bullshit.
But Richie’s edit got around like something itchy in a college dorm:
Greatest fucking liu khang straight air.
Let’s just say the waters were quite tepid, as they have been typically towards our sport. Shit, a few weeks ago people were getting up in arms over a DC hat from years and years ago because someone found a picture on an internet search.
So then Richie’s edit made the rounds. Since it was a YouTube video—meaning it was fair game for anyone to post anywhere—writers paid shitty wages cranked out anything to surround the text. Since all these Buzzfeed-esque writers aren’t paid dick and only want your click, they watch a video, slap at a keyboard for about 30 seconds, and hit “post.”
Basically, they could work for this site, but we don’t accept advertising. This shit’s about the love, yo.
I, have, however, interviewed for jobs like that and was grateful I didn’t end up at them. There’s only so much one man can write about Miley Cyrus twerking and still be able to read Hunter Thompson, Ernest Hemingway, and Charles Bukowski without complete shame.
The 10 Tops of Rollerblading Comments
But even if people are making the same jokes about blading, they generate views, unique users, PVPV, and all other sorts of fun terms that mean revenue. It doesn’t really matter how something looks so long as someone looks.
And each set of comments basically follow the same pattern:
joke about coming out to our fathers
Jet Set Radio/Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater reference
“Who knew people still rollerbladed?”
comment from kid who pretends he skateboards
overzealous response from rollerblader “defending rollerblading”
post from guy who used to skate until he was “too old” at 19 and the last pair of skate he owned is from either USD or a company that no longer exists
90s references
response to someone posting about where to find good rollerblading content and products (Way to go, dedicated internet user!)
Airborne/Brink reference
another stream of gay jokes (someone gets banned for using “faggots”)
You Still Clicking?
You ever post something you don’t like on Facebook just to online protest it, or go to a site you claim to hate yet can’t stay away from (*cough* Rollernews *cough*)? Well each click of that precious little mouse you’re scrolling determines what sells and what doesn’t. (If you’re reading this on your phone, no one has really figured out advertising-driven copy on mobile, so if you can figure out a business model, let’s talk stock options.)
The plus side of all of the weird social sites picking up Richie’s edit is that people got to see it. There aren’t millions of people looking around wondering where they can find rollerblade videos, so if anyone picks it up, cool.
Even if they’re on a show about watching videos on the internet…
If they’re douches about it, don’t hang around their sites. Pretty simple.
I found most of the different instances of Richie’s edit making the rounds because of the How to Be Unpopular lads, and I’m glad because when it comes to anything dealing with Canada or rollerblading, they’re my trusted news source. If you don’t listen to their podcast you should. They’re really smart, articulate, and funny as fuck.
The main thing is this: the edit got tons of eyeballs because sources outside of rollerblading were viewing them.
So did the kids who skated in GoPro’s Video of the Day on Tuesday,—and you should read Chris Duke’s interview with that video-maker on ONE—but you cannot fuck with Richie’s skating in anyway.
Dude slays it.
He’s getting Skater of the Year from me, even if he goes full Rob Ford on us.
Which let’s face it, Richie’s edit was the best press for Canada in a few weeks. Then again, when you live this close to America, some of our crazy is going to rub off on a guy.
Here’s the Bigger Lesson
Just like how where you spend your money determines the market (please, dear Lord, use Amazon as little as possible), where you point your mouse and click determines the kind of content gets replicated.
The more you support something you claim to hate, the more you fund it. For sake of argument, let’s say you go to Rollernews because that’s the only place to see blading edits—which is a bullshit argument because many other people do it—but dislike how much people hate on every minute detail, realize that without your visits and clicking, Rollernews would have no way to pay its bills.
Being shameless for the sake of money isn’t a good thing.
Just saying.
So, if someone posts some bullshit anti-rollerblading thing and think you’re going to change anyone’s minds by voicing your opinion in a column, think again. You’re telling the writer that his post—measured not by overall impact to society, but it’s availability to drive up page views—was a success. So he or she or bot will do it again until it stops being popular.
Don’t want to see blader bashing in media? Don’t fucking click on it. Don’t fucking share it with some self-righteous status update. Just fucking ignore it.
Fuck, that’s Morgan Freeman’s stance on ending racism, and that mother fucker killed it in Driving Miss Daisey, a movie about fucking racism.
No matter what it is about you or what you do, if you go looking for people that don’t like it, you’ll find them. They’re there, but they’re like the Boogie Man: they disappear the second you stop believing in them.
Support what you like, ignore what you don’t, and just fucking let it go.
Then go blade.
Blade or Die,
— Brian Krans
P.S.—I don’t make any money here, but I earn a few bucks if you buy my books direct from Rock Town Press’ Big Cartel. People that have read them seem to like them.
Freeze Tag On The Highway by Brian Krans.
November 6, 2013
Blader Digest: Orange Is The New Black
Last weekend was the third installment of The Blading Cup. It was, as it always has been, a damn good time filled with tons of homies, beer, days in the sun, and nights spent running around the east end of downtown Santa Ana, Calif.
You might have heard about it if you read the article in the Orange County Register, or at least saw the 2013’s champion Alex Broskow on the cover above the masthead.
This isn’t that story, especially since this one has all these badass photos from bladie Megan Petersen. This is a potentially libelous rehash of the weekend based solely on my memory, which may have been heavily influenced by legally controlled substances.
We left Oakland after work hours Wednesday. Our four-man team—Omar Ontiveros, Cameron Talbott, our brother in NATO Kevin Polaczek, and myself—arrived when the other residents of Hotel Julio were asleep. Jason Reyna greeted us and told us to make ourselves comfortable on the concrete floor.
We came to join our fellow orange-shirted crew members and build a Day of the Dead street course—complete with chainsaw, casket, and other deadly things—in two days and tear it down in one. In that time, we made it possible and had a blast doing it.
Those helping to build varies slightly each year, but since my first experience, guys like Reyna, Damien Wilson, Nick Wood, Erik Sauer, Jose Fuentes, Chris Bjerre, Miguel Ramos, and others only keep getting better at what they do well. New talent like Cameron, Kevin, Steve Steinmetz, and anyone who turned a loose screw is always appreciated and fun to have around.
Kevin ended up being the man, no matter how many times anyone referred to him simply as “German” or worse.
Time to put some shit together
Baddest dude on the planet, Miguel Ramos
Fester brothers Wilson and Wood brought Neighbor Dan and Dave, two rad dudes, to help with everything, including a rail to wallride to rail transfer seen properly shredded in this edit from ONE Magazine:
Watching the contest from behind one of the rails provided the best view, but when Demetrious George is jumping with his skates pointed towards your temple, well, you tend to flinch every time because in the innate flight-or-fight response, it’s probably best to get out of his way.
But Fester Wheel’s latest invention—a casket shaped rail box, complete with built-in smoke machine—was truly the piece of art.
J. Bah smoking through.
Building Thursday and Friday, was a blur of sheets of plywood, two-by-fours, trips to Home Depot, dead batteries, sampling a level of contempt some locals have for sweaty skater gringos, light beer (because, as Damien says, drinking heavy stuff will make you useless at a certain point), nail guns, course reconceptualizations, running into Sneaky at Tim Franken’s to pick up the box…
…and an awkward introduction to Chris Farmer provided by me and some of Neighbor Dave’s baked goods. Thankfully, Dan didn’t tell Kevin there was anything special about the cookies, so he doesn’t remember me putting him on the spot. Thanks for that hell of a time, Dan and Neighbor Dave.
Festerville, featuring the Woodster, Dan, Damien, and company.
Time to Blade Something
The contest was sick as it ever was because the course and the skaters were. All sorts of different skaters from all sorts of different places found all sorts of different tricks to do, including the guy whose direction in ramp building should never be questioned, Woodward West’s own Miguel Ramos…
The Puerto Rican Salute
…or guys from Japan…
Box art by Chuck Caution. Skate art by Itchy.
…or men without countries…
Richie Eisler has rubber knees
…and bladies who earn money.
The best introduction to any run was Howie Bennett with his logic-defying gap from the launch to back transfer. The best exit from the course easily goes to John Bolino for backsliding the parking sign via the quarter pipe.
"Fuck your sign. I'm out."
‘The Pride of Wisconsin’
One of my favorite parts of the Blading Cup is the am contest. Last years’ finals involved an on-fire Kevin Yee, Michael Garlinghouse, Gav Drumm, and Mike Froemling. Each of them hungrily fought for a chance to advance.
This photo is by Steve Steinmetz because Steve does lots of shit.
This year, Froemling returned to win the am contest and skated hard into the pros.
Sure, Wisconsin is proud of their Packers, but they should really be proud of Froemling. Dude kills it, and I’m sure he’ll easily go down as the best blader to come out of the Dairy State. I, personally, love the shit out of the guy because like all good ams competing in the first round of the pros with two heats in, he can shred hard with the endurance of a marathon runner.
The Guys Whose Names Are On Your Stuff
The pro contest was as great as you could expect and will see as all the edits come out.
It was a course with enough difficult elements to test the toughness of the skaters, while still providing some staples to allow for showmanship and diversity. The contest only proves the level of creativity and athletic talent of some of the best in our sport is one that can easily rival others in the same arena.
The Blading Cup course is one built for bladers by bladers and it shows in it’s best form: the pro finals. I don’t have an extensive vocabulary enough to describe it adequately, so I’ll just say some applauded in praise while others reacted with eyes filled with disbelief…
These contests, these events, those Meat Ups, these are what this is all about. It’s the chance for old and new friends who choose to be together to collectively assemble something that will continually shape our lives and possibly get a clip or two in the process.
Guerrero, Bailey, Eisler, Kanashima, and Spizer all in one photo. Talk about some blade progression.
Let’s Keep the Party Going
For me, the Blading Cup is like being a roadie for the Stones, Black Sabbath, Snoop, and Dre on the same tour, but still getting the best seats in the house.
Kennan Scott likes to talk about rollerblading a lot.
I can mush on for pages and pages, but weekends like the Blading Cup, Bitter Cold (R.I.P.), the River Ruble, video premieres, and so on and so forth, are about getting away from these stupid glowing screens that occupy our lives to carrying on with something that will always our hearts.
Spiritual adviser to the gods, Rob G.
That, mother fuckers, is rollerblading, and the Blading Cup is a prime example of all that’s right in the world.
At least for this greying-bearded guy who grew up in a small town idolizing guys like Jon Julio who now enjoys smelling up his loft while helping the guy put on a fun weekend for a few hundred bladers. Thanks for everything, Papa Jon.
It's not the end of the day. It's the beginning of another night you'll barely remember.
If anything the Blading Cup affords me another opportunity to act like a big dumb idiot—just like I was when I started skating—by being a part of something better than anything else I know in life.
See you all next year. Bring a screwdriver, just in case.
Blade or Die,
— Brian Krans
P.S.—I want to write about rollerblading more often, but I have to pay my bills. If you need something to read, check out my last two novels on Big Cartel and be on the lookout for my next one in May.
October 22, 2013
Blader Digest: ‘Airborne,’ 20 Years Later
Long before the world knew what a cock pushup was, or before chickens became robots, a single cinematic orchestra would conduct itself into the hearts of many, yet immortalized by few.
Yes, I’m talking about the reason why you can’t hear one bro call another “brah,” without responding, “Did he just call you a piece of underwear?”
The Hollywood history that would be Airborne, turns 20 this year, meaning our California transplant Mitchell Goosen is more than half his way to collecting Social Security.
And no, we’re not talking about the 2012 horror film of the same name. We’re talking about the 1993 high school melodrama fueled by rink hockey, roller hockey, and downhill rollerblade racing, Airborne.
But before you get all excited, this isn’t the greatest rollerblading movie ever, this is just a tribute, but it’s a mystery that involves Mulder and Scully themselves.
(This piece is inspired by an article written by the lovely Kate Erbland over at FilmSchoolRejects.com. Read hers here: An Appreciation of the Best Rollerblading Movie Ever on Its Twentieth Anniversary.)
The Importance of Airborne
Airborne is a cinematic masterpiece set in early 90s Cincinnati, where young California native Mitchell Goosen finds himself after his zoologist parents run off to Australia, the worst place ever to take your surf fanatic son (Am I right, C.J. Wellsmore?). So, like all stable plots, Mitchell moves in Fresh Prince-style with his aunt, uncle, and cousin, Wiley.
If you haven’t seen it yet, I don’t want to spoil too much, but the audience of the 982 theaters it premiered at in 1993 brought in $1.2 million in its open weekend. Adjusted to 2013 dollars, that nearly $2 million. That more than doubles The Fifth Estate, which had the worst opening weekend of 2013, in per-theater average: $969 vs. $2,011. So it may not be the best, but it’s twice as good as the current worst.
That also goes to show that rollerblading was more important to the 90s than the First Amendment is in the 21st Century. (And, yes, I saw The Fifth Estate, and, yes, I thought it was anti-Assange propaganda shit.)
Like so much of American cinema, what Airborne lacks in plot it makes up for in action sequences.
The Fresh Prince of Cincinnati
All problems in the movie obstructing the perfectly happy where the bad guys get what’s coming and the protagonist attracts the affection of the prettiest female around him are squashed with a downhill rollerblading race.
That movie was so influential to my upbringing that I am still quite shocked at how few social problems I’ve been able to fix with rollerblading. Seriously, Bowman, I feel like you lied to me here.
As a movie junkie, I’m more curious as to see where many of these chaps have landed than rehash something nearly old enough to drink legally. If you want to see what lessons you personally can take from the film, I suggest you read ONE head honcho Justin Eisenger’s piece: What we learned from Airborne.
Let’s take a little tour through whatever kind of narrative I can put together through Wikipedia, People, and IMDB and see where the actors and talents in Airborne have landed.
Director: Rob Bowman
Prior to Airborne, Bowman directed at least one episode of 21 Jump Street, MacGyver, Baywattch, Star Trek: The Next Generation, and Quantum Leap. He also directed and produced the X-Files, which makes him an even bigger influence in my conspiracy theorist existence.
Airborne was Bowman’s first movie. His next was The X-Files movie. His latest movie was Elektra in 2005. He’s been directing episodes of Castle.
So, yeah, no Spielberg, but the guy’s getting enough work to get an extra or two to blow him, I bet.
Jack: Chris Conrad
No cool-social-outcast-in-a-closed-minded-community saga is complete without the school jock who also happens to be the brother of the chick you’re diggin’. Enter Jack, played by Chris Conrad.
After Airborne, Conrad was in The Next Karate Kid. Besides playing Johnny Cage in Mortal Kombat: Annihilation and some TV show called Douche Bros, I can’t say I care. His character isn’t worth it.
Nikki: Brittany Powell
The source of many Midwest boy’s fantasies, Nikki was the perfect woman: pretty, nice, and would fall for any bullshit line a new guy would give her. Where’s a girl supposed to find work after a role like that?
Why Saved By the Bell: The College Years, of course. Powell found herself with bit parts numerous 90s treasures, including Friends, Silk Stalkings, The Jeff Foxworthy Show, and Boy Meets World. She’s currently filming Trouble is My Business.
And time seems to have done her well…
Like Conrad, who played her brother, she also has a project with “douche” in the title: Douchebags TV.
Snake: Jacob Vargas
Vargas was a child actor, and unlike other child stars, he’s actually doing something besides driving drunk and twerking. While his resume expands from Jarhead to Go for Sisters, most of his work has been episodic bit characters.
He has .
Augie: Jack Black
For much of Black’s career, I’d see him and go, “Holy shit! It’s Augie.” That was until his 2000 breakthrough role as Barry in High Fidelity. Black stole the movie by simply being his natural character: the slightly grotesque, waking-up-at-the-crack-of-noon slacker with lots of unproductive energy.
Since Auggie, Black has been earning his Frat Pack fame, earning awards and starring in some of the largest grossing films of the 1990s. Also, his band, Tenacious D, is awesome.
(Fun fact: Black has appeared in an episode of the X-Files, but, sadly, Bowman did not direct that one.)
Wiley: Seth Green
Green probably made it the best out of anyone in Airborne. From movies, to television, to voice acting—including characters on Family Guy and the awesome Robot Chicken—he’s producing and writing some of the funniest things in media. (He, too, was on a episode of X-Files, which has no connection with Bowman or Black. Maybe every actor ever has been on that show when it aired, just like Law & Order, and all its spinoffs.)
Co-star Mike Opalek told me that although none of the actors were famous yet, Green had a fast food commercial airing in Ohio at the time. “So people knew his face and ask for his autograph a lot,” Opalek said. “He told me he would sign random names.”
You know what you get when you try to ask him about it during a Reddit AMA while he’s promoting his new show Dads? Nada.
Rollerblader: Mike Opalek
Mike was originally cast to be Jack Black’s stunt double, but on the second day of filming he was switched to be an actor for the infamous Devil’s Backbone final scene. A native of Ohio, Mike took that shit serious and pulled downhill speed in excess of 60 mph. On 1992 skates, mind you.
While the “rollerblader” tag on the role is usually the equivalent of a Red Shirt on Star Trek, no one died, or so we know, during the final run, and Mike continues to live on to this day.
It's all about the blue track suit.
Nowadays, Mike is either making whiskey or beer professionally somewhere. Right now, he’s back in Park City, Utah, with his lovely girlfriend, Tiffany.
Mike and I have discussed the idea of Airborne II. (And yes, Mike, I actually drafted a copy of a script. We need to seriously get our shit together and make this happen. Until then, .)
Walt: Chris Edwards
The only pro rollerblader with lines in the movie, Chris Edwards’ contribution was not only the cackle as Walt, but also the main stunt double for Mitchell Goosen.
He is the featured talent in the above scene, which shows nothing can unite bikers and skateboarders, quite like a rollerblader from out of nowhere.
Chris Edwards was the first rollerblader with a pro skate and the godfather of rollerblading. While his acting career never took off, he laid the foundation for modern rollerblading. He recently married and is enjoying the family life.
Rollerblader: Chris Mitchell
Chris Mitchell was one of the founding members of Team Rollerblade and founder of Box Magazine. After selling in 200o, he worked as a photographer at Disney Wold in Florida.
In 201o, his memoir of his Disney years, Cast Member Confidential, was published, further exposing what goes on under Pluto’s mask. Never before has someone’s ringtone better defined their personality. Trust me, I read it, but not before the National Enquirer.
(Fun fact: Mitchell and Opalek were also skating characters in Batman & Robin. Their connection to acting in the X-Files, however, is unknown.)
Mitchell Goosen: Shane McDermott
As it is with leading a rollerblading movie—after all Prayer or the Rollerboys lead Corey Haim couldn’t handle the childhood fame and died at 38 three years ago after decades of drug abuse—not all roads after are painted in rainbows.
McDermott’s acting basically began and ended with Airborne. While he, like others of the cast, had bit parts after, nothing solidified. After two years on All My Children, McDermott moved to Galveston, Texas, where he sells real estate and paints, his true passion.
'Colet,' one of McDermott's latest.
You can buy his art at ShaneMcDermott.net. That’s right, you can put art on your walls painted by the guy who played one of the most influential rollerbladers since Arlo Eisenberg on MTV Sports.
(Fun fact: McDermott is a Galveston Park Board Trustee, which oversees expenditures on local parks, including Galveston’s Johnny Romano Memorial Skate Park.)
It seems while you can take the blades off McDermott, you can’t keep the Goose off his wheels.
Until your VHS copy of Airborne breaks…
Blade or Die,
— Brian Krans
October 15, 2013
Blader Digest: Forever Negrete…
Last week, rollerblading lost one of its most influential filmmakers, Brandon Jesus Negrete.
Negrete had been making rollerblading videos from before he could drive, and the skaters he featured in his videos became household names, or at least the houses that held bladers.
While Brandon’s death stunned our global family, his memory is sure one that will never fade.
For the last week, everyone has been sharing stories of Brandon, making us all realize not only how well known he was, but how many people loved him so deeply.
I was fortunate enough to meet Brandon right after I moved to San Francisco. If you’re wondering at what point in blading that was, notice the blue Broskow Valos in the photo (as well as S.F. locals skating 3rd & Army).
Brandon often came through the Bay for whatever he was filming and it was a better place to live because of it.In case you’re new and not familiar enough with Brandon, this was one of his latest works before his untimely death:
Like all of his creative works, it doesn’t rely on the hip, trendy movement of what is cool for the next ten minutes—he told you what was cool for the next coming year.
Prior to this edit, Brandon Negrete has been making blading look good for the last few decades.Negrete helped make blading—and those in it—what it is today.
What Negrete produced—from Us to Regardless, and all in between—dictated what was cool. No other filmmaker in rollerblading could be credited with such an influence, outside the likes of Dave Paine.
Here is Regardless, his last full-length blading film, which I gladly gave Video of the Year designation back in 2011.
Rewatching it again, for the 87th time, I still can’t help but notice one thing: the guy had the balls to put Haffey as an opener. One of the best filmmakers ever takes hands down one of the best rollerbladers ever (in top form, mind you), and puts him in front, making you question—as we all did at the Regardless/Shred ‘Til You’re Dead II premiere—who the fuck closes a video that Haffey opens?
Obviously, it was Bolino. And, as you watch the progression of the video, it makes complete sense. Negrete made a damn good call, which is why I find Regardless to be one of the best blade videos ever made.
Here’s the man himself, chilling during the premiere:
Negrete put Regardless online nine months ago. There’s only so much a video can last before it’s left to the piranhas. And in a brief conversation, years ago, Brandon had something to say about people taking his work and uploading it to YouTube:
“I mean it sucks but I dont even care. People in europe had ripped that shit the day after it came out.”
Negrete and I had numerous conversations about the artistic side of life, but also dealing with the realities of the allure of immediate money that comes with a day job. Brandon had been working at a creative agency while still producing rollerblading videos.
“I was just tired of putting everything in life on hold for a video that people are just gonna talk shit on and upload anyway”
But, no matter how frustrated he could get, he’d always pick up a camera and do it again. Because Negrete got it.
He attracted the best characters because, in his heart, he knew the real story that needed to be told. You can watch all of his videos and assume you know what he was saying, but like all great talents, even he didn’t fully understand the complete message himself because he felt he was never done telling it.
Here’s one example of how his work helped people: the artwork for Regardless was Austin Barrett’s first commissioned piece. He’s now living exclusively off his art.
Like all good blade filmmakers, his influence didn’t rely on tricks or gimmicks, but a reliance on listening to those he filmed and allowing what he saw through the lens dictate the final product. While that seems obvious, Negrete made it seamless in his work, giving off a sense of creative freedom, all including shaky follow cams powered by his vintage hunter orange Oxygens.
Negrete’s videos weren’t just about what was going on right then, but what was going to be going on for a while. He captured trends as they started and cemented them into history, just like any good filmmaker should.
His videos had their impact mainly because it brought skaters, as individuals, into their natural elements, whether Stockwell in an abandoned pool or the technical complexities John Bolino can work out on an architectural masterpiece.
And all these attempts I’ve done to assign adjectives and adverbs to a living, breathing human being who relentlessly beamed through the majority of the bullshit are for nothing because Brandon Jesus Negrete was the dude.
Ivan Narez and Negrete go back almost too far and Ivan had some good words on how to look back at Brandon:
“I just think that judging him by the friends he left and the influence that he had should be the way people look at life, not necessarily worrying about making all this money and being deemed successful in American standards. He died unfortunately, but I think he will definitely live forever, and that’s more than most people could say in their current situations. He did it the way it should be done, and I will remember him for that for sure.” — Ivan Narez
Blading owes Brandon more that we could ever calculate. That’s why you should absolutely go to BrandonJesusNegrete.com and donate to help pay for his burial expenses.
Best wishes, Brandon. You absolutely were the dude.
Blade or Die,
— Brian Krans
Blader Digest: For Negrete…
Last week, rollerblading lost one of its most influential filmmakers, Brandon Jesus Negrete.
Negrete had been making rollerblading videos from before he could drive, and the skaters he featured in his videos became household names, or at least the houses that held bladers.
While Brandon’s death stunned our global family, his memory is sure one that will never fade.
For the last week, everyone has been sharing stories of Brandon, making us all realize not only how well known he was, but how many people loved him so deeply.
I was fortunate enough to meet Brandon right after I moved to San Francisco. If you’re wondering at what point in blading that was, notice the blue Broskow Valos in the photo (as well as S.F. locals skating 3rd & Army).
Brandon often came through the Bay for whatever he was filming and it was a better place to live because of it.In case you’re new and not familiar enough with Brandon, this was one of his latest works before his untimely death:
Like all of his creative works, it doesn’t rely on the hip, trendy movement of what is cool for the next ten minutes—he told you what was cool for the next coming year.
Prior to this edit, Brandon Negrete has been making blading look good for the last few decades.Negrete helped make blading—and those in it—what it is today.
What Negrete produced—from Us to Regardless, and all in between—dictated what was cool. No other filmmaker in rollerblading could be credited with such an influence, outside the likes of Dave Paine.
Here is Regardless, his last full-length blading film, which I gladly gave Video of the Year designation back in 2011.
Rewatching it again, for the 87th time, I still can’t help but notice one thing: the guy had the balls to put Haffey as an opener. One of the best filmmakers ever takes hands down one of the best rollerbladers ever (in top form, mind you), and puts him in front, making you question—as we all did at the Regardless/Shred ‘Til You’re Dead II premiere—who the fuck closes a video that Haffey opens?
Obviously, it was Bolino. And, as you watch the progression of the video, it makes complete sense. Negrete made a damn good call, which is why I find Regardless to be one of the best blade videos ever made.
Here’s the man himself, chilling during the premiere:
Negrete put Regardless online nine months ago. There’s only so much a video can last before it’s left to the piranhas. And in a brief conversation, years ago, Brandon had something to say about people taking his work and uploading it to YouTube:
“I mean it sucks but I dont even care. People in europe had ripped that shit the day after it came out.”
Negrete and I had numerous conversations about the artistic side of life, but also dealing with the realities of the allure of immediate money that comes with a day job. Brandon had been working at a creative agency while still producing rollerblading videos.
“I was just tired of putting everything in life on hold for a video that people are just gonna talk shit on and upload anyway”
But, no matter how frustrated he could get, he’d always pick up a camera and do it again. Because Negrete got it.
He attracted the best characters because, in his heart, he knew the real story that needed to be told. You can watch all of his videos and assume you know what he was saying, but like all great talents, even he didn’t fully understand the complete message himself because he felt he was never done telling it.
Here’s one example of how his work helped people: the artwork for Regardless was Austin Barrett’s first commissioned piece. He’s now living exclusively off his art.
Like all good blade filmmakers, his influence didn’t rely on tricks or gimmicks, but a reliance on listening to those he filmed and allowing what he saw through the lens dictate the final product. While that seems obvious, Negrete made it seamless in his work, giving off a sense of creative freedom, all including shaky follow cams powered by his vintage hunter orange Oxygens.
Negrete’s videos weren’t just about what was going on right then, but what was going to be going on for a while. He captured trends as they started and cemented them into history, just like any good filmmaker should.
His videos had their impact mainly because it brought skaters, as individuals, into their natural elements, whether Stockwell in an abandoned pool or the technical complexities John Bolino can work out on an architectural masterpiece.
And all these attempts I’ve done to assign adjectives and adverbs to a living, breathing human being who relentlessly beamed through the majority of the bullshit are for nothing because Brandon Jesus Negrete was the dude.
Ivan Narez and Negrete go back almost too far and Ivan had some good words on how to look back at Brandon:
“I just think that judging him by the friends he left and the influence that he had should be the way people look at life, not necessarily worrying about making all this money and being deemed successful in American standards. He died unfortunately, but I think he will definitely live forever, and that’s more than most people could say in their current situations. He did it the way it should be done, and I will remember him for that for sure.” — Ivan Narez
Blading owes Brandon more that we could ever calculate. That’s why you should absolutely go to BrandonJesusNegrete.com and donate to help pay for his burial expenses.
Best wishes, Brandon. You absolutely were the dude.
Blade or Die,
— Brian Krans
September 26, 2013
Not Blader Digest: The God-awful Truth I’ve Learned So Far
I turn 32 in a few hours. In some parts of the world, I’m already that age and getting older already.
Age is a funny thing. Thirty is cute and has the novelty value.
“I don’t feel 30,” I said.
Then there’s 31. There’s nothing cute about it. If there’s anything I’ve known about 31-year-olds, it’s that they’re in a state of transition. The people you know at 30 won’t be the same person at 32. Trust me on this. I’m no different.
Today, a 32-year-old skateboarder who works in my company’s finance department told me, as he’s already 32, “Prepare for the best year of your life.”
I don’t see this as a coincidence.
Ten days ago, I adopted a dog. He’s half pit, half lab, and fell off the loveseat an hour ago. How, I don’t know, but I’m pumped about all the uncertainties he’s going to insert into my life.
In my 32nd year on this planet, I’m already planning the biggest endeavor of my life—taking my latest book on a nationwide tour. Many of you have read my previous works—which is ungodly awesome—so you can imagine how excited I am to take my writing seriously enough to take two months and live in the car/truck/SUV I don’t own so I can get out, visit all of you on stateside, blade, have some beers, read some words, and have ourselves a hell of a time.
And that’s just what I know about.
The best thing about getting older, however, is having the ability (and the grey hairs) to know, finally, where the fuck you’re going in life. Maybe not where you’re going, specifically, but at least the things you cannot deny anymore.
It’s about having the youthful conviction and resources acquired through years of work to back it up. That makes up your character.
Or you can just choose to be a character.
And that’s about all I have left to give.
There are so many things I’d like to tell the young people, but I’d rather spend the time to talk to the guys with kids, the guys with wives, the guys with day jobs that erode the dreams they’d swore they’d never give up.
I’m the worst kind of adult. I’m the one still fighting my aging.
While I’m not sure how much time I have left here, nor do any of us, and I don’t know what happens after—no one does, so don’t listen to anyone who claims to know better—but in case I go tomorrow, I’d like to share what I’ve learn through the years.
My years were spent in hospitals as a kid, noticed in bad ways because of medical conditions from birth to now—with a nice window from six to 12—and years spent rollerblading, partying, and playing such roles as as a paperboy, play actor, janitor, cart-pushing Wal-Mart stooge, golf course landscaper, K-Mart dick, retail security, obituary writer, radio show host, newspaper editor, newspaper reporter, doorman, bar back, bar tender, sous chef, book writer, skate park volunteer, competition host, and current cubicle jockey with the title of Senior Writer.
So, in my time doing all that, here are the universal truths I believe about life:
I still believe in making sure we have lots of fun, no matter what we’re doing. We’re a speck of nothing, according to the Hubble Telescope, so we should be behaving as such.
Never discount anyone around you. Humans are a cosmic miracle, so approach everyone like you’ve accepted the fact. Know you neighbors. Get to know the new person in your office. Know the guy who collects your cans.
Don’t sleep on it. Yeah, if you’re pissed, sleep on it, but if procrastination seep into your life, do it now. If you can get it done in less that 15 minutes—whatever you’re putting off—then do it now.
Sweat is a good thing. Sweat once day, whether from exercise or peeking your head out of your comfort zone. Neither experience will make you a worse human because of it.
There is no permanent record other than how you view life. You can tat out you arms and get arrested a thousand times, but the moment you can set bad things in your past where they deserve to be, then you win life.
There is no “moment.” We all think—like the movies tell us—there might be some event in our lives that propels us into higher understanding, but—and I know this is a downer—it’s a progression. That person you’d rather be? Yeah, he’s going to take time.
Call your mom. She misses you.
Call your dad. He has a lesson you still need to learn.
Call your grandparents. If they’re still alive, you’re lucky. I lost my last at 25, and I’d give anything to have someone on the planet to trump my parent’s opinion. It was helpful in childhood. Can’t hurt in adulthood.
Get a dog. Nothing makes a shitty day better than a furry piece of shit who unconditionally thinks you’re the shit.
Meet friends for beers. Take all the shit you need from your girlfriend, but never waste a breath trying to explain it to her.
Never give up.
Fucking never.
Don’t you ever fucking think of putting your dreams to the side. Yeah, some of us have dumb-ass dreams, but that’s what makes us who we are.
You can do what you have to do, but there’s no cinematic moment when you dream dies. It’s a progression. You’re either on it now, or quit reading now.
We all have to suck our daily dicks—the flaccid, untreated kind—but we don’t have to let it suck the life out of us.
That’s why we’re at the skate park.
That’s why we’re in the streets.
That’s why we still keep doing it all.
When we were young, we had a dream.
When that dream dies, so do we.
Maybe that’s why we’re all still alive.
Blade or Die,
— Brian Krans
P.S. — Books, things, whatever.
August 14, 2013
Blader Digest: Breaking Blading
If you’re as big of a fan of Breaking Bad as I am—which I truly hope you are—you’ll be stewing a soup of deliciousness at how the show has built itself into its fifth and final season.
As the continuation of series five debuted on AMC Sunday night, a record-breaking 5.9 million people turned out to watch Walter White and family, Jesse Pinkman, and the rest of the Heisenberg-infused universe continue to unfold.
From score to script, the show embodies the perfectionist’s attitude toward writing not only compelling dialogue, but using cinematography that captures what cannot be captured in words.
There is, of course, major celebration over the actors who populate the screen before Vince Gilligan’s name appears.
What others may not know, and soon you will, is that the show features numerous rollerblading heroes, whether they will admit it on the record or not.
Let’s first start with blading’s comedic champion…
Bill Burr (a.k.a. ‘One little homophobic joke…)
On Breaking Bad, Bill Burr has bit parts as Saul Goodman’s henchman Kuby. If you’re not caught up on the show, I won’t ruin anything, but if you are, you know how great the above scene was to kick off season five and how great he was when he visited Ted at home.
The best part—besides Burr’s observational, angry East Coast, Carlin-esque white-man standup—is Burr’s stance on the joke.
We all know the joke. Hell, I was hit on by a gay standup comic while rollerblading and he uttered the joke we all know the punchline to: “What’s the hardest part of being a rollerblader?”
Well, in case you haven’t heard, Bill Burr had a joke about that joke at a highly-public event:
(Click here if your video player starts from the beginning, but you’d be doing yourself a favor if you listen to the whole thing.)
That, and he mentions it more than any non-blader would unless they were making fun of it.
Burr used to play roller hockey in the ’90s until ridicule from other comedic friends forced him to hang up his skates. As a comic, he chooses to make fun of the stereotype instead of supporting it.
Don’t believe me? Let’s check out his tour of Santa Monica in January along the boardwalk, the rollerblading walk of shame…
In February, he talked about his blading past on his podcast. To quote him…
“Fuck you, I wasn’t going down the boardwalk wearing a fanny pack. If footage of me doing that ever surfaced, I’d swear it was Photoshopped.”
The next week on the same podcast, he was talking about deer and population control and naturally it went to rollerblading.
“Imagine if there were 7 billion deer on this planet and, for some fucked up reason, for like a four-year period, they all really got into rollerblading. Did I use this analogy already? I don’t remember. Let’s just say they all got into rollerblading and after four years it was considered gay…”
(Hear the rest for yourself by skipping to 32:00. Note: if you ever want to strike up a conversation with Don Bambrick, I suggest bringing up Bill Burr. Great conversation there. That, and Don shared this photo on Facebook last month that I’ve been dying [no pun intended] to share it here:)
Burr is so down with blading that Jon Robinson—that’s right, the grandpapa of Lake Owen and Minnesota blading—wants in so badly.
So, yeah, bladers, support Bill Burr. One of us…
Aaron Paul (A.K.A Boise’s Original Blading hero)
Aaron Paul shows up the Emmys with a shopping cart, collecting them like weird hair-cutted Midwest housewives on Supermarket Sweep.
Apparently back in his Idaho days, the guy was a bit of a jokester and blader…
And, yes, nearly every psudo news outlet that pulled the image off of Reddit and called it their own made a “What’s the hardest part…” joke. I shall refer you to the Bill Burr section of this article for further responses.
Tuesday, Paul did an AMA with Reddit and I tried asking him about it, but it was buried in the other 16,502 comments.
I know it was overlooked because of space, time, and traffic, but that’s a valid rollerblader/journalistic question. Or maybe I’m just an overzealous blader fanboy.
Either way, I did find a way to write about Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad, and other important shit and get paid for it via my day job. Do me a solid and give it a read. If you don’t want to, I’ll give you the lowdown—it’s about bullying, something you’ve never experienced ever.
As long as we’re talking about blading and Reddit, one of the /r/rollerblading mods, PROFESSIONAL_FART is hosting a photo contest. Winner gets some freshies, so it’s worth checking out here.
As far as Paul’s escapades on the blades, I wanted to check further and see if anyone could remember him.
Aaron Paul graduated Centennial High School a year early, putting him in the same age group as Erik Bill’s older siblings. (In case you didn’t know, Bill is one of the chiefs tribal elders of the NDN tribe, so his word should be treated with such authority.)
Seeings how I can’t think of rollerblading and Boise without thinking of Erik Bailey. I called him tonight and he and Paul went to different high schools, so he suggested I call fellow Erik-named Boise blader, Erik Bill, who graduated from , the alma mater of Aaron Paul (Sturtevant).
Erik Bill knows Paul because his sister used to hang out him and they used to play video games together. Erik’s a second-generation rollerblader, meaning his older brother got him into skating, so he had no immediate recollection of skating with Aaron. Even after Erik made a few phone calls to his older siblings, no one could recall him on blades.
Oh, well.
Then again, he started with a joke, so maybe being a rollerblader was a joke. Or, since everyone was rollerblading in high school at that time, maybe him doing it never stuck out.
First point last, the guy listed being an actor as a high school dream and look at him now…
LIVING THE DREAM, bitch!!!
And bravo to him as a fellow high school blader. Should he ever want to lace up again, we’d be proud to have him.
(Side note—AND SEASON FIVE SPOILER ALERT—Should Breaking Bad bladers want to skate Walt’s abandoned pool, they should contact blading’s premiere pool scout Drew Bacharach, something I wrote about in Be-Mag’s issue No. 39.)
(Further side note: should anyone need someone to film any kind of skate scene like the one in Sunday’s reveal of the final eight episodes, call Vinny Minton. He’s the best.)
Bryan Cranston (A.K.A. Say My Name)
(Before we even start, I must point out one completely self-serving point: you can’t finish saying Bryan Cranston’s name without saying mine first.)
Long ago, Walter White had another family in the Tri-County area. He had five children, including a gifted son, Malcom, who sat somewhere in the middle. Before packing up, changing his identity, and becoming a genius, albeit jaded and misguided, chemist, Mr. White was an avid fan of having wheels under his feet.
It was so imperative to his being that Hal… ahem… Walter warned the young Malcom of the demise of following his his father’s bootsteps. He knew he was starting his son on such an addictive pathway not only required dedication, it involved sacrificing personal identity to break into closed schoolyards to dance as the howling moon demanded it…
Understand the addictive spirit created by wheels under boots, Hal capitalized on his knowledge of this addiction, learned chemistry, and became Walter White.
You may know him as Heisenberg.
Blade, Smoke Meth, and Die,
— Brian Krans
