Liane Davey's Blog, page 5

Don’t Include Feedback in Year-End Reviews

This is probably an unpopular opinion, but a performance evaluation conversation is no place for feedback. The end of the performance management cycle is the time to sum up the year and answer one question only: how did you perform relative to the standards we set out? Let’s talk about why you shouldn’t include feedback in year-end reviews.

The Difference Between Feedback and Evaluation

Many managers I talk to are unclear about the definition and purpose of various components of the performance management process. Let’s start by aligning what we mean when we say feedback versus evaluation.

Feedback is novel information about the impact of a person’s behavior on others. It’s a tool for increasing their self-awareness. Feedback is for their benefit. Here’s a resource on all this effective feedback.

When you give an employee feedback, you help them understand how a choice they made (e.g., what they said or didn’t say, how they acted, etc.) affected you or someone else (e.g., what you thought or felt, how people reacted). By making that impact explicit, you increase their self-awareness and empower them to make a better choice in the future.

Evaluation is an assessment of the person’s contributions relative to a standard. Hopefully, the year-end review is relatively objective, and the standard is pre-agreed…(hopefully). Your assessment supports all manner of organizational functions, especially compensation decisions. Evaluation is for the company’s benefit.

When you evaluate an employee, you summarize, weigh, and compare their performance and then quantify it on one or more dimensions. You judge them and determine where they fit in the distribution of people in the organization.

Feedback is about learning. Evaluation is about judging.

Learning and judgment don’t go well together.

The Problem with Mixing Evaluation and Feedback

Here’s what happens when you mix feedback and evaluation.

It Feels Like the Goal Posts Are Moving: If you give new feedback during the year-end review conversation, it feels like they are learning the lesson and taking the test simultaneously. That will feel unfair.

It Dilutes the Feedback: If you share an important piece of feedback and then move on to sharing your evaluation, the feedback message gets overshadowed by the judgment. This is especially true if the feedback doesn’t match the review (i.e. if you give a piece of positive feedback and then a poor rating or a piece of negative feedback and then a strong rating).

It Makes Feedback Seem More Objective Than It Is: Evaluation is supposed to be an objective process where you compare an employee to a standard set for their role or performance. Feedback is not objective at all; it is your truth and your experience of their behavior. When you put feedback into a performance review conversation, you tend to overplay its veracity and use it to justify your evaluation (using it to serve you) rather than to provide insight and heighten self-awareness (using it to serve them).

It Makes Evaluation Seem More Subjective Than It Is: The problem goes in the other direction as well. Bringing your subjective experiences, thoughts, and feelings into a performance review conversation makes your rating feel more like an opinion susceptible to bias.

Evaluation and feedback are two different processes with different goals and different beneficiaries. Stop letting one bleed into the other.

Critical Steps in the Performance Management Process

Here’s how you might want to set up a year of performance management.

Goal Setting: Use the goal-setting process to discuss the objectives, metrics, and targets you will use to evaluate the person’s contributions.Development Planning: Set the person’s priorities for growth and learning by considering what knowledge, skills, and behaviors they need to develop to support them in achieving their objectives. I highly recommend using what I call the “strike zone” approach.Feedback: As frequently as possible (at least weekly), provide the person with new insight about the impact of their choices. Make most of this feedback about choices that made a positive impact. Include some feedback about choices that had a negative impact. Routinely solicit input from relevant stakeholders to complement your views and provide alternate perspectives. DO NOT leave this third-party input until the end of the year! Doing so erodes trust and sets up an adversarial relationship.Coaching, Advice, Mentoring, and Instruction: Supplement feedback with other development dialogues. If the person is doing something incorrectly, provide instruction. If they need to consider different ways of achieving their goals, provide coaching. If they are missing the forest for the trees, provide mentoring. This resource will help you determine which development dialogue suits the conversation you want to have.Mid-year Assessments: At various points throughout the year, provide an update on how the person’s performance is tracking toward their objectives. If you have new insights about things they need to do differently to achieve a different outcome, provide feedback, instruction, advice, or coaching. In addition to evaluating how they are doing relative to the role standards, share your evaluation of how well they are incorporating the feedback, coaching, instruction, and advice they are receiving.Year-end Review: When it comes time for the annual performance appraisal, focus on documenting and discussing the evidence of their contributions relative to the expectations set at the beginning of the year. There should be no surprises here. It should feel like calculating the final grade when you already know the marks on all the assignments.

When you separate feedback and evaluation, you can focus on doing each well. You don’t confuse and muddy the conversation or allow one to dilute the other. Feedback is about self-awareness. Evaluation is about comparison. Don’t confuse the two.

Additional Resources

The Ultimate Guide to Giving & Receiving Feedback

Why You Should Stop Using Adjectives

For a different perspective, How to Conduct a Great Performance Review

 

 

The post Don’t Include Feedback in Year-End Reviews appeared first on Liane Davey.

How to Stop Being Passive-Aggressive

Are you frustrated or angry with your colleagues but hesitating to address your concerns directly? Do you tend to express your dissatisfaction indirectly by being sarcastic, saying one thing while doing another, or dragging your feet on delivering what they want?  Unfortunately, your choices leave you and your teammates mired in dysfunction. You deserve better than that. It’s time to stop being passive-aggressive. But how?

First, let’s talk about why you might be acting passively-aggressive in the first place. That’s important because passive-aggression is usually the result of fear, anxiety, or insecurity. You’re angry, frustrated, or hostile toward your colleague. Still, you don’t feel confident that you could express those sentiments directly without creating an aversive response from them in return (e.g., getting yelled at, ostracized, or fired). So, cut yourself some slack; humans do many sub-optimal things when we feel afraid. You’re not alone.

Now, just because passive-aggressive behavior can be explained doesn’t mean it’s a good coping strategy. It’s usually a pretty bad strategy because you don’t give the other person a chance to fix what’s upsetting you, so you get stuck in the problem. Worse, you soak in your negative thoughts and feelings in a way that’s terrible for your health. You’ll feel much better if you learn a more constructive way of managing your negative emotions.

The Steps to Be Less Passive-Aggressive

These strategies, which apply both in the moment and over the longer term, will help you become more aware of your actions and better able to make different choices.

Notice When It’s Happening

As with any behavior change, it’s impossible to make a different choice if you’re unaware of your default choice. It might be helpful to look at a few examples of passive-aggressive behavior to see if you recognize any as part of your modus operandi.

The American Psychological Association defines it as “behavior that is seemingly innocuous, accidental, or neutral but that indirectly displays an unconscious aggressive motive.” Examples I see frequently include:

Withdrawing (e.g., Giving someone the silent treatment, withholding eye contact, ghosting their emails)Deflecting (e.g., using sarcasm or humor to express your anger indirectly, blaming someone or something to take the heat off of you)Resisting (e.g., procrastinating, seeking endless clarifications, being a perfectionist)Playing the victim (e.g., complaining of unfairness, feeling misunderstood or mistreated)Dig Deeper

As you learn to recognize your passive-aggressive behaviors, dig deeper to understand the chain of events that lead to the behavior. Start with identifying the negative emotions in your body. Where do they show up? Do you clench your jaw, flush in the face, get fidgety, feel your heart racing, get louder, or slump your shoulders?  What are the base emotions being triggered in your body?

Next, how do you interpret those physical sensations in your mind? Are you recounting an unpleasant experience over and over, are your thoughts scattered, or are you playing out a variety of scenarios for how things might go catastrophically wrong? Being in touch with the physical and cognitive components of your reactions will help you spot these patterns sooner, giving you more time to change course.

Understand Why

The choice to behave passively-aggressive includes two phases. First, you conclude that the other person is somehow threatening and deserves your ire. Second, you decide that responding directly is unsafe. At this point, you want to interrogate your thought process and see if those assumptions hold up.

What did the person do or say that’s making me angry?What am I concluding about their intentions?What is it that I value that feels under threat?

Now, switch to the second half of the problem; you conclude that it’s better to be passive and indirect than to talk about the issue openly. Again, do those assumptions pass the sniff test?

What has happened in the past that makes me think I can’t be direct?What am I imagining would happen?Are my concerns realistic? What is the likelihood that something terrible will happen?

Your brain is probably concocting scary stories about how your colleague is “out to get you” and that if you try to defend yourself, you’ll “get in trouble.” Sadly, your brain is trying to protect you, but it’s probably overreacting.

It’s worth considering the possibility that the person isn’t intentionally trying to upset you and, even if they are, that it might actually make things better if you deal with it head-on rather than lurking in the shadows.

Flip the Script

Another great exercise is considering what is going on for the other person. You’re interpreting their behavior as threatening or adversarial. Is that a fair assessment? What might have caused them to behave as they did? Are there explanations less nefarious than the ones you’ve settled on?

Vent Early

One of the secrets to reducing passive-aggressive behavior is to learn to vent your frustration before it builds into an explosive emotion you can’t control. Do this by making brief remarks that signal your growing concerns. You could try, “I’m not with you yet,” or “That’s not what I was expecting,” or “I’m not sure that takes into account our side of things.” By expressing your concerns early and relatively innocuously, you create a space for your teammates to engage with you directly.

Another alternative for venting is to get out of the situation and give your body time to process the powerful emotions you’re experiencing and your mind a chance to change your response. It’s incredible how much it can help change your perspective if you walk, exercise, relax, dance, paint, play video games, or even sleep. Give yourself some time for big emotions to dissipate.

Generate Options

Now’s your chance to consider more constructive ways to express your frustration or anger to improve the situation. In the moment, you might only be able to come up with one or two plausible options, but if you plan some routes in advance, the list could be long.

Feedback: what would I say to let the person know the impact of their behavior on me?Request: What would I ask for that would help me feel more fairly treated?Ask: What question could I ask that would help the person see my side of the issue?Support: Who might be able to express my perspective better than I can right now?Expose: What would I say if I was willing to be fully candid with the person?Own It

While addressing your passive-aggressive tendencies, take accountability for your past behavior. If you have been passive-aggressive with a person in the past, tell them what you did and explain why. Don’t blame your behavior on them, but tell them about your choices in response to their behavior. That might look like, “When you questioned my approach in front of the team, I stopped raising the issue in our meetings and went directly to Barb. I realize now that wasn’t helpful.”

If you trust the person, you can ask for their help. “I’m trying to improve at this, but I don’t always feel confident expressing my concerns directly. Could you help me?”

Help Someone Else

One of the best ways to learn a new behavior is to teach it to someone else. Why not create an accountability buddy who’s also working on handling difficult situations more constructively? As you help them notice their passive-aggressive choices, you’ll become more aware of your own. As you coach them about healthier options, you’ll see where those strategies might work for you, too. And if your attempts at being more direct turn sour one day, you’ll have someone with whom to commiserate and course-correct.

Repair the Damage

Finally, invest time to think more systemically about your passive-aggressive tendencies … What patterns repeatedly come up for you? Are there things you value strongly that, if violated, tend to trigger a passive-aggressive response? For example, do you value being liked and included? If so, do behaviors you interpret as being left out, ignored, or devalued cause you to withdraw or lash out against the person, making you feel like an outcast with sarcasm or gossip?

One final thought. Some underlying causes of passive-aggressive behavior might be too big and too deep for you to tackle on your own. If you were raised in a family where it was unsafe to speak your mind or you had a traumatic experience in the workplace, you might benefit from professional help. If your employer has an Employee Assistance Program, that would be a good place to start. Otherwise, your doctor might be able to refer you to a therapist who can help you work through the issues safely and systematically.

Passive-aggressive behavior might feel satisfying in the moment, but it harms you and everyone around you. Resolve to work on your passive-aggressive behavior and find better alternatives to advocate for what you need.

Additional Resources

Why Are People So Passive-Aggressive?

How to Be Less Emotional at Work

Sanjana Gupta How to Stop Being Passive-Aggressive

 

The post How to Stop Being Passive-Aggressive appeared first on Liane Davey.

How to Apologize

 

Did you mess up? Blow it? Let somebody down?

We’ve all been there. “I’m sorry”—I know it feels terrible to drop the ball or disappoint somebody. I often hear people say, “You could be angry with me, but please don’t be disappointed in me.”

It’s a horrible situation, but it happens to all of us. Now, if you’re an accountable person and you care about your performance, your failures, or your trip-ups, you have an important thing to do next: you’ve got to apologize.

But what does a good apology look like? I’m sure you’ve seen bad apologies. By watching the person’s body language, you know it’s not real; they don’t really believe it. It’s like when your parents force you to apologize to your sibling, and you’re just like, head down, “Sorry.”

A good apology can rebuild trust. It can absolutely secure your reputation as an accountable person. So what’s in a good apology?

1. Be Direct

A good apology is direct and straight to the person’s face. It’s a chin-up, chest-out, arms-out, vulnerable version of “I am so sorry.” That’s where it starts—that agonizingly painful, vulnerable position.

Interestingly, when you hold your arms out in front of you, it says, “I get this. I’m going to make myself totally vulnerable to you. I know I messed up.” So that’s where you start. But that’s just the start.

2. Be Descriptive

The second thing is objectively describing what you did or didn’t do. “I committed to get that to you on Tuesday, and it’s Thursday.” Describe what you did or didn’t do as cleanly and objectively as possible. For example: “I jumped in during that meeting and promised to let you present and take the questions. And in the heat of the moment, I interrupted you. I took the floor. I took the attention.”

You want something as objective and observable as possible, something that when you say it, the other person will say, “Yeah, you did!” You want to get their head nodding in this conversation as an important way of starting to rebuild the relationship.

3. Understand Your Impact

Describe, and better yet, ask about the impact on the other person. For instance, you might say, “I interrupted. I took the floor when I had said I was going to let you take the floor. How did that feel? What do you think was the impact of that?” or “I got that to you on Thursday instead of Tuesday. What dominoes fell because of that?” Asking is a great way to be impactful.

If you have a clear sense, you might start the ball rolling by saying, “I get the sense that that brought all the attention back onto me when this was your hard work. I think all the eye contact in the room that came to me will make it a lot harder for you to be the clear leader on this.”

So, start the ball rolling, and then you can say, “What else? How are you experiencing this? What did this create? What hassle did this create for you?” But you need to feel the full pain of the impact of your behavior and the consequences.

4. Learn From Your Mistake

The next thing you need to do is talk about what you learned. For example, “I realized that I need to do a better job of inhibiting and staying out of the way and keeping my mouth shut.” Or, “I learned that I take on too many things at the same time, and I can’t deliver because I want to say yes to everybody, and I need to do something differently about that.”

It’s important to state clearly what you learned, and then you can also open it up for questions like, “Do you think there are other things I need to learn from this?” or “Am I missing part of the equation here?”

Again, that extra question, which says, “I’m not trying to run out of here, and I’m not trying to minimize my discomfort; I’m trying to learn,” whew, that’s going to do so much to rebuild trust and secure your reputation as somebody who’s like, “Wow, this person is really serious about how they contribute.”

5. Make Changes and Act

The last thing you need to do is talk about what will be different next time. You could say, “I’ve decided that next time, I’m not even going to go to the meeting. It sends an even stronger signal that I have full confidence in you if I stay out of the room. I’m very confident you can handle it, and I think that’s a better way to do it.” Or you could say, “I’m going to do a better job with what I take on, what order I put them in, and how I communicate what’s a realistic expectation.”

So, what are you going to do differently? It’s what you learned and then what you will do differently as a result. When you do something differently, you probably need a few little milestones or checkpoints that show the person, “See, I’m doing it differently.”

For instance, the deadline — and maybe they haven’t even asked you—is a Tuesday again, but on Monday, you’re saying, “Just wanted to let you know everything is on track for delivering tomorrow.” So they go, “Whew! Okay, good.”

–

When you mess up, don’t deliver, fail, stumble, screw up in one way or another—doesn’t matter, that’s okay. Accountable people mess up all the time. The difference is accountable people know how to give a great apology that includes both that vulnerability and a clear description of what their behavior was, a conversation and dialogue about the impact, some insight, and definitely soul-searching around what they learned from the situation, and a plan for how they’re going to make things different the next time.

And then, of course, the proof of the pudding is in the eating. Did you behave differently the next time?

It’s okay if you mess up. We all do it. If you don’t from time to time, you probably aren’t pushing things hard enough. But when you do mess up, it’s all about how you handle it. That’s how to give a great apology.

More On This

Vulnerability – a strength or a weakness?

Pass the Accountability

Mistakes in Trying to Hold People Accountable

Video: We NEED to Change the Way We Talk About Accountability

The post How to Apologize appeared first on Liane Davey.

What to Say to Prevent Passive-aggressiveness

Passive-aggressive behavior on teams stalls progress and leaves you wondering whether your colleague is trying to take you down or if you’re just imagining things. Passive aggressiveness is harmful to every facet of teamwork. So, are there things you can say to prevent passive-aggressiveness? Absolutely.

The first thing to remember is that passive-aggressiveness is how your colleagues try to inflict harm on you without triggering a counterattack. They behave in ways that help them vent their anger but can be denied or explained away.

Maybe they let out a massive sigh after you make a suggestion, but when you call them on it, they backpedal, saying, “No, I was just yawning.”  Or they make a sarcastic remark about your plan, and when you ask what the issue is, they hit you with a, “Jeez, it was just a joke.”

Passive-aggressive behavior signals that your teammate feels unsafe disagreeing with you directly. That means that you probably won’t get anywhere taking an aggressive stance with them; you’ll just drive the same anger further underground. Instead, if you want to prevent passive-aggressiveness, use questions to create space for them to make different and better choices.

Generic Culture-building Questions

Part of reducing passive-aggressive behavior in your team is fostering a culture in which indirect expressions of anger are not socially acceptable. That means anticipating any specific grievance by creating a safer forum for discussing uncomfortable or contentious issues.

You can inoculate your team against passive-aggressive behavior with questions like:

What are the most important things for us to discuss as a team?Which issues might be most challenging to discuss candidly?What tensions will always be a part of our work? How can we actively manage them?How are we going to broach contentious conversations openly?What are the risks if we allow misalignments to go unresolved?Setting Up Difficult Conversations

Promoting an environment where uncomfortable conversations are part of the norm is a great start. When it comes time to discuss a specific issue, you might want to revisit your commitment to transparent and direct communication.

You can boost your team’s immunity from passive-aggressive behavior with questions like:

What are our stakeholders counting on us to resolve today?Which tensions do we need to lean into in this conversation?How should we behave if the conversation gets uncomfortable?When do we all need to be aligned on the decision?What ground rules could we stick to if we want this to be productive?Reminding People of Their Commitment

You might be halfway into a conversation when the vibe in the room shifts from open debate to cagey, cautious comments. You can bet that something has started to feel unsafe or too close to home for folks to continue with candor.

You can treat the early signs and symptoms of passive-aggressiveness with questions like:

What caused the conversation to change just now?How could we get back to talking more openly with one another?What makes this conversation feel risky?What do we need to speak openly about to resolve this issue fully?Which ways of approaching this make it more likely that we’ll get the issues in the open?Fixing a Conversation That is Off-Track

Despite your best efforts to keep things on the rails, passive-aggressive behavior sometimes gets fast and furious. As one person starts to behave poorly, others might follow. Then, the patient is at risk of dying on the table.

You can resuscitate a conversation with questions like:

What are we not saying out loud that needs to be said?What do I need to hear that I’m not being receptive to?What would you say if you knew there would be no pushback?What if we were to swap sides and argue for each other’s positions?We’ve been using words like “x” and “y.” What are we really saying?Learning from a Bad Experience

Maybe you left your last meeting in complete despair, realizing that nothing had been resolved and that many things that needed to be said had gone unspoken.

You can rehabilitate the dynamic in hopes of having a better conversation next time with questions like:

Where did things get off track in our last conversation?How can we make it safer to say uncomfortable things next time?How could we prepare differently to set up the conversation for success?Which ground rules did we struggle to adhere to? What was the reason?What is at stake if we don’t have this conversation openly and effectively?Conclusion

Whether you’re trying to prevent passive-aggressiveness before it starts, correct it once it’s happened, or recover for next time, use questions to inspire better choices rather than accusations or retribution. They won’t work every time, but taking the high road will likely inspire your teammates to do the same. At some point, it will be difficult for anyone to keep up the passive-aggressive façade.

Additional Resources

What To Say to a Passive-aggressive Coworker

Sarcasm is an awesome way to make your point…really!

ADR Ontario: Unmasking Passive-aggressive Behaviour in the Workplace

 

The post What to Say to Prevent Passive-aggressiveness appeared first on Liane Davey.

How to Address a Passive-Aggressive Colleague

Are you dealing with passive-aggressive behavior from your teammates? In my previous post, I provided a full rundown of the causes and symptoms of this all-too-common dysfunction in which people convey aggressive feelings through passive means. What are you to do if you’re on the receiving end of this sly, covert, and insidious behavior? How should you deal with a colleague’s passive-aggressiveness?

The Principles of Addressing Passive-Aggressiveness

Let’s start with a few general principles before we get into the specific actions and tactics.

Deal With It

Yup, that’s the most challenging principle of all because their bad behavior has become your problem. “Why do I have to deal with it?” you ask. Why does their inability or unwillingness to behave like a mature adult now mean you have to put on your big kid pants and have the uncomfortable conversation? I agree, it sucks. However, ignoring passive-aggressive behavior allows it to continue. Worse, your ability to rise above your teammate’s childish behaviors might even make them more angry with you. That means your experience of work is going to suck—better to deal with it.

Don’t Match Their Vibe

The person expressing their anger through indirect and even covert means is likely doing so because they don’t feel confident or safe expressing their feelings more openly and constructively. Passive-aggressive behavior can run deep and is tied to low self-confidence and lack of psychological safety. Responding with hostility will only play into (and even validate) their fear. Take whatever steps necessary (see Phone a Friend, below) to process your emotions so that you can engage calmly with your passive-aggressive colleague.

Be Clear and Direct

The challenge with passive-aggressive slights is that they can be hard to recognize. The person behaving passive-aggressively has a vested interest in keeping their anger covered so it might emerge in micro-aggressions that others might pass off as harmless, as sarcasm that is justified as humor (can’t you take a joke?), or as stall tactics they defend as reasonable risk management. Your response can’t be equivocal or leave any room for them to wiggle out of accountability.

The Tactics to Address Passive-Aggressive Behavior

There are a wide variety of actions to take depending on how your co-worker’s passive-aggressive behavior manifests. Here are a few options:

Describe What You’re Seeing

If you see the person rolling their eyes, say, “I notice you rolling your eyes. How are you reacting to the plan I put forward?” If they make a joke or get in a one-liner like “Must be nice,” be sure to respond. “What must be nice?” The person will likely deny or deflect the first couple of times, but persisting will become uncomfortable if you do this repeatedly, even relentlessly. (I find it helpful to track how many times I have to do this, like a loyalty card from a coffee shop, treat yourself after five trips on the high road.)

Ask For Explanations

Pose the questions that require the person to let you and everyone else in on their thinking. “What’s beneath your concerns about this plan?” “What are you experiencing that caused you to say that?” You might get one layer of answers in a group forum and be able to probe for a deeper layer if you repeat the question in private afterward. Tone matters here, though. This is about genuinely trying to understand what’s going on, not about being accusatory.

Be Upfront

Be brave and candid about the impact of the person’s behavior on you, and set the boundaries of how you’re willing to be treated. “When you repeatedly challenge my approach, it erodes other people’s confidence and means I need to do extra work to get them back onside. This is my decision, and while I’m willing to hear your concerns before the decision is made, I am not willing to slow the project down once I’ve made a call.”

Make a Safe Forum

If your colleague is behaving passive-aggressively because they don’t feel safe addressing their concerns or fears directly, it might help to find a private space to encourage them to surface what they’re experiencing. You can use questions like, “What’s at stake for you here?” or “How are you experiencing this?” to slowly work toward an understanding of what’s going on. If they’re receptive to it, you then have a chance.

Keep Going

Passive-aggressive behavior often involves stalling or endlessly asking for more details. Don’t allow these forms of resistance to impede progress. You need to keep moving forward, or else the person will learn that your passive-aggressive strategies are effective. You can acknowledge their concerns, dissent, or discomfort while reiterating why you’re continuing with your plan.

Phone a Friend

Dealing with passive-aggressive behavior and constantly inhibiting your emotional reactions to take the high road is exhausting and even infuriating. You need a safe and constructive outlet for that. Find a neutral party, preferably not someone involved who is willing to be a sounding board. And be sure to invest in activities that are reenergizing for you.

Conclusion

Being on the receiving end of passive-aggressive behavior can start to make you question your stance and even your sanity. Notice the patterns, understand the causes, and take steps to stop the slippery behavior by making it safer for the person to expose their concerns and less comfortable for them to keep up the charade.

Additional Resources

10 Ways to Help People Say Uncomfortable Things

Tools to stop passive-aggressive behavior

Crisis and Trauma Institute 10 Strategies for Dealing with Passive-Aggressive People

 

The post How to Address a Passive-Aggressive Colleague appeared first on Liane Davey.

Why Are People So Passive-Aggressive?

Do your team meetings look like everyone is going with the flow but feel like there’s an undercurrent of resistance, bitterness, or hostility? Are you frequently surprised by people who nod their heads, sign up for responsibilities, and then procrastinate, slow-roll, or undermine their accountabilities? Have you been told what someone says to your face differs from what they’re saying to your teammates behind your back? What is going on? Why are people so passive-aggressive?

This month, we’re going deep into this perennial problem for people and productivity: passive-aggressive behavior. Although we’ll get to various fixes, it’s important to start with an understanding of what constitutes passive-aggressive behavior and why it occurs.

What is Passive-aggressive Behavior?

Passive-aggressive behavior is a way of conveying aggressive feelings through passive means. Well, yeah, duh. (Say more, Liane.)

Ok, let’s break it down.

Aggressive Feelings

Aggressive feelings can include anger, bitterness, hostility, and frustration. Research by Hopewood and Wright (2012) suggests the three most characteristic emotional underpinnings of passive-aggressiveness are:

1) Irresponsibility. This is a form of immaturity where negative emotions lead to ineffective interpersonal behavior or neglect of responsibilities.

2) Contempt. This includes feelings of coldness, negativity, and mistrust of others, which can lead to an individual avoiding attachments.

3) Inadequacy.  This is a pattern of depressive and self-defeating feelings that result in a strong need for acknowledgment.

For a very small number of people, these are deep-seated feelings stemming from early trauma or toxic relationships. For most people you encounter at work, these feelings are situational and only problematic when certain scenarios arise (more on which organizational situations foster passive-aggressiveness below).

Passive Behaviors

Ok, so if those are the aggressive feelings, how might those feelings be expressed?

Passive behaviors are indirect ways people hurt, confuse, or resist the target of their aggression. They can be verbal, such as using excuses or sarcasm, or behavioral, such as prolonged silence or dismissive body language. These behaviors are often deliberate, but they can also be unintentional or unconscious manifestations of the person’s distress.

The main thing about passive-aggressive outlets is that they are hard to pinpoint and difficult to prove, making them a relatively safer approach to expressing anger.

Although the DSM-5 (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual used to asses psychological disorders) no longer classifies Passive-Aggressiveness as a personality disorder, past editions provide a helpful schema for identifying passive-aggressive behaviors. They include:

“passively resists fulfilling routine social and occupational tasks;complains of being misunderstood and unappreciated by others;is sullen and argumentative;unreasonably criticizes and scorns authority;expresses envy and resentment toward those apparently more fortunate;voices exaggerated and persistent complaints of personal misfortune; andalternates between hostile defiance and contrition”.

APA (1994).

You might also be interested in this 21-question assessment of passive-aggressive behavior.

In more concrete organizational language, you might see a passive-aggressive colleague:

Nitpick at trivial details to delay progressPretend they didn’t hear you if they didn’t like what you were sayingGoing around formal authority and soliciting support outside the chain of commandUsing asynchronous methods to avoid direct communication (Post-It notes, emails, Slack barbs)Following the rules literally while contravening their intentAvoiding responsibility for tasksPlaying dumbProcrastinating and missing deadlinesWithholding necessary information from those who need itUnderachieving or otherwise “phoning it in.”

Passive-aggressive behavior is sometimes difficult to put your finger on but your gut is probably telling you that something is off.

Why Do People Choose to Be Passive-Aggressive?

I want to add one more important piece to the puzzle. If we’re talking about the majority of people who behave passive-aggressively not because of enduring personality issues but because of something happening in the situation, we need to talk about which situations make passive-aggressiveness more likely.

Fortunately, there is research that can help us understand the scenarios that make passive-aggressiveness more likely.

This study shows that it happens when:

people feel threatened and powerless,when they’re working in confusion or under considerable pressure,when the team dynamics are toxicif their leader uses a coercive, inflexible, or authoritative leadership styleif they are excluded from decision-making or planning that directly affects their work

Each of these situations is one where the negative emotions might be heightened, but expressing those emotions directly could be especially unsafe or costly.

Don’t Mistake This for Passive-Aggressiveness

Many other reasons might explain behaviors that at first appear to be passive-aggressive. Before you conclude that your colleague is expressing anger indirectly, consider whether they might be:

Behaving irresponsibly as a function of attention issues, disorganization, or poor motivation. This can be the case with people who have executive function challenges or mental health concerns.

or

Procrastinating or withholding direct communication because they feel inadequate and fear losing connection, affection, or respect. This might be true with co-workers prone to imposter syndrome or conflict avoidance.

Conclusion

We’re starting a series on passive-aggressiveness with the psychological underpinnings of the behavior to increase your empathy and help you understand what you’re dealing with. If a person behaves passively-aggressively, it’s a sign that something is wrong. And when something’s going wrong for a teammate, getting angry, being mean, or writing them off might feel good in the moment, but it won’t change anything for the better. Next time, we’ll talk about what you can do to try to turn things around.

American Psychiatric Association. (1994). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (4th ed.), Washington

Hopwood, C. J., & Wright, G. C. (2012). A Comparison of Passive Aggressive and Negativistic Personality Disorders. Journal of Personality Assessment, 94(3), 296. https://doi.org/10.1080/00223891.2012.655819

Johnson, N.J. and Klee, T. (2007). Passive-Aggressive Behavior and Leadership Styles in Organizations. Journal of Leadership & Organizational Studies, 14(2), 130-142.

Additional Resources

How to deal with passive-aggressive people

10 Ways to Help People Say Uncomfortable Things

Psychology Today’s primer on Passive-aggression

 

 

The post Why Are People So Passive-Aggressive? appeared first on Liane Davey.

Coping With Unrealistic Expectations at Work

Does your boss set the bar too high and then accuse you of not being accountable when you can’t get over it?  Do they ever consider that you aren’t living up to their expectations because those expectations are entirely unreasonable? Not doable? Certifiably cuckoo bananas? Here are a few tactics you can try when coping with unrealistic expectations at work.

What Constitutes an Unrealistic or Unfair Expectation?

What exactly is an unrealistic or unfair expectation from your boss? The most obvious one is that the amount of time it will take to complete the task is less than the amount of time the boss has given you to accomplish it.

That said, there are a few other scenarios that qualify as unrealistic expectations:

Beyond Your Skill

It’s unrealistic and unfair for your manager to expect you to do a task if it’s well beyond your skill level. If they ask you to write the proposal for a million-dollar pitch when you’ve never written a proposal before, that’s unreasonable.

Beyond Your Influence

It’s unrealistic and unfair to ask you to take accountability for an outcome if it requires input from people over whom you have no control or influence. If you need help from engineering and they tell you there’s no capacity and you’re at the bottom of the list, it’s not reasonable for your manager to expect you to deliver.

Conflicts With Priorities

It’s unrealistic and unfair if your boss piles one expectation onto another without reprioritizing which comes first. If the task would take ten hours and you have ten hours before the deadline, but your manager is unwilling to provide relief from the other task they previously assigned, that is unreasonable.

Infringes on Time Off

It’s unrealistic and unfair of your manager to expect you to repeatedly use your time off in the early morning, evenings, and weekends to complete your workload.

That said, I think there are times when people throw up their hands and call something unrealistic too quickly. It might be an ambitious goal, a challenging task, or something you’re not entirely confident in, but that doesn’t mean it’s beyond the realm of possibility or something illegitimate for your boss to expect.

So, before we talk about how to deal with unreasonable expectations, at least consider the possibility that they aren’t unrealistic, just lofty.

Something you haven’t done before but have the skills, resources, and support to make an honest attemptA task that you can’t accomplish in your routine work mode but you could accomplish in the required timeframe if you removed distractions and focused.An urgent issue that comes up and needs your attention outside of work hours (everyone has their own boundaries, but I would say as long as it’s not more than one one-hour task, no more than once a week, it’s probably not an unrealistic expectation for someone in a knowledge-worker job…but share your thoughts in the comments)What To Do If Your Boss Sets Unrealistic Expectations

When you’re on the receiving end of an assignment you feel you can’t accomplish (or shouldn’t be expected to), take stock and then try one or more of the following:

Clarify the Expectation

Before you run off and start working, ask questions to understand the what, why, who, and when of each expectation. The last thing you want to do is take on more than what your boss is looking for. If you know more about what good looks like, why it matters, who it’s for, and when it’s needed, you’ll be in a better position to make decisions about the order and thoroughness of your work.

Map Your Priorities

Once you understand the expectation, share the other things on your plate. Don’t assume your manager remembers everything you’re working on. Make sure they are aware of what they’ve assigned and also what’s coming at you from other directions. Your manager can’t be of any value in reprioritizing or reassigning your work if you are shouldering everything and suffering in silence.

Negotiate on Scope

Saying “no” to a request from your boss might not go well, but there’s usually room to negotiate on how big, or thorough, or polished the work needs to be. If the request includes multiple components, ask if you could deliver some by the original due date and others later. Alternatively, if some aspect of the request would be particularly cumbersome, ask if it is necessary or propose an alternative approach.

Ask for Advice

If you’re worried that you can’t possibly get the work done, ask for their advice about how to work more efficiently. Share your process and see if you are over-delivering on some tasks or if your boss has more efficient ways to accomplish something. I’ve even seen situations where, when the manager learns how long something is taking, they just abandon the activity altogether… “Oh wow, I didn’t know it was that hard. Don’t worry about it.”

Set the Order

If you have multiple tasks simultaneously, ask closed-ended questions about what comes first. “Based on that context, I plan to complete the customer report first. Is that the right choice?”

Find the Focus

Be ruthlessly efficient. Unfortunately, when you feel you’re drowning, your human defaults tend to make it more likely you’ll go under. You might be the type who becomes overly frenetic, opening ten files at a time and bouncing unproductively from one task to another. Alternatively, you might be the type who responds to an unmanageable to-do list by procrastinating and doing almost nothing. Either way, you’re making the problem worse. Get focused. Find a quiet spot. Leave your phone in another room. Do ONLY ONE thing at a time for at least 45 minutes. Get something done, and then move to the next thing.

Add More Planning

Another counterintuitive tactic is to spend more time planning with your manager. When you get busy, it’s understandable that you start living in the moment and flying by the seat of your pants. The problem is that it can become a vicious cycle where there is less and less planning, which leads to inefficient work, which takes more time, which leaves less time for planning and working more systematically. The more you have a heads-up about what’s coming, the better you’ll be at finding the right slots and getting a little breathing room.

There are few easy answers when you have a manager who assigns you an unrealistic workload. That said, if your default is to try to shoulder it with a smile slapped on your face, you’re only reinforcing their bad behavior. Instead, communicate with your boss more; negotiate, problem-solve, and plan to demonstrate that you want to be accountable; you just need the expectations to be reasonable.

Additional Resources

10 Helpful Things To Do When You’re Overwhelmed

A Personalized Approach to Feeling Less Overwhelmed

From HBR: Managing a Team That’s Been Asked to Do Too Much

 

The post Coping With Unrealistic Expectations at Work appeared first on Liane Davey.

How to Deal with a Colleague Who Yells

In one of my keynotes, I ask the audience which is more uncomfortable: navigating a colleague who is crying or one who is yelling. The responses have shifted over the past decade. Where once it was sadness or vulnerability that made people squeamish, today, it’s anger. Unfortunately, with tensions running high and patience running low, it’s not uncommon to hear raised voices at work. So, how do you deal with a colleague who yells?

Why Do People Yell at Work?

First, consider a few options for why your colleague is yelling at you. As much as possible, try to withhold judgment and put yourself in their shoes. Judgment will only hinder communication.

They Don’t Feel Heard

Your colleague may be yelling because they don’t feel they’re being heard. Maybe they even feel shut down. If you or others are failing to acknowledge their point, they may repeat the same thing while turning up the volume knob. This is frustration-based yelling.

They Are Afraid

My husband and business partner, who is a neuroscientist, reminds me that anger is a common manifestation when someone is anxious. Your colleague might be yelling because their threat triggers have taken them from uncertainty and fear into fight mode. This is anxiety-based yelling.

They Know It Works

A completely different take on why your colleague is yelling is that it works. That is, it gets them the reaction they’re looking for. When they yell, it might get you to pay attention to their priorities or to move faster. It might get you to stop asking challenging questions. This is power-based yelling.

It’s important to recognize that there are myriad reasons why your colleague might be yelling at you (or just yelling near you). The more you understand the underpinnings of their emotional outburst, the easier it will be to react in a way that de-escalates and dissipates the emotion so you can get back to solving the underlying issue.

How to Calm a Person Who’s Yelling

Can I just say that the one way you will not calm someone down when they are yelling is to say, “Calm down.” Especially if you say it sternly, “CALM DOWN!” or in that sickly condescending teacher tone, “Ok, caalm dooown.”

There are better techniques, including:

Acknowledge the Importance

If you suspect your colleague is yelling because they’re experiencing something distressing (such as not being heard or being afraid), acknowledging the importance of what they’re experiencing can be a great place to start. I say, “This is important. What do I need to understand?”

It’s almost humorous how this question lands. The person is expecting you to respond in kind or to issue a rebuke, and when your question comes without judgment but instead with a genuine desire to understand where they’re coming from, it’s often disorienting for them—in a good way, of course.

Help them Translate to Facts

Whenever you encounter strong emotions at work, one of the best services you can provide is to help the person translate their feelings into facts. This is especially valuable if they’re experiencing anxiety-based emotions because the strong feelings are likely drowning out the facts.

The best antidote to anxiety is action, so if you can help them articulate what is worrying them, they’ll be more likely to identify an action that would help improve things. Here’s how a conversation might go:

COLLEAGUE: ‘This plan is SO UNREALISTIC. THERE’S NO WAY I CAN DO THAT. I’M SCREWED!”

(Don’t disagree or contradict. Don’t agree. Just validate what you heard.)

YOU: “Ok, you feel like this plan is unrealistic, and you’re set up to fail.”

COLLEAGUE: “YES!”

YOU: “Which parts of the plan do you see as most unrealistic?” or “What makes it such a stretch?” and maybe “What would it take to deliver it?”

COLLEAGUE: “IT’S THE TWO-DAY TIME FRAME FOR QA. We only have three QA people right now, so there’s no way!”

(Notice the yelling subsides somewhere in there as you make the space to hear their concerns.)

YOU: “How long would it take to do the QA with our current team?” or “Is there any way to send the Q&A to our team in Bangalore?” Or “Where else could we save in the plan to extend the QA timelines?”

As you go, the emotional tenor will dampen, they’ll start to get their feet under them, and they’ll be able to latch onto at least one action to help them break the anxiety.

Invite Someone In

I often see team meetings devolve into two-person yelling matches with a bunch of uneasy spectators. If you’re one of the uneasy spectators, it can help to wade into the conversation or draw another colleague into it; it disrupts the tug-of-war.

There are different ways you can do it, such as:

“As I’m listening, I’m not sure you’re hearing each other. Sally, if I’m hearing you correctly, you’re saying…”“We’re not aligned on either of the options you’re lobbying for; what if, instead, we…”“Kristoff, you were raising a good point about this earlier. What do you see as the options here…”

Sometimes, all it takes to de-escalate yelling is for the yellers to realize that there is an audience and for one of the audience members to throw a lifeline to help them get out of the pool.

Do Absolutely Nothing

If the yeller is making a power play and trying to use aggression to get what they want, one option is to do absolutely nothing. Don’t change what you’re talking about. Don’t shift your plans or approach. Don’t react. In fact, just look bored. This, again.

If you remove the reward for their behavior, you’ll probably extinguish it. And if not, you’ll lessen the impact it has on you. (Often works with toddlers’ temper tantrums, too!)

Give Feedback After the Fact

I’m not saying that yelling in the workplace is healthy. I’m just saying that humans are emotional creatures, and sometimes, when we perceive that things aren’t going our way, our brains delete the professional handbook and run the caveman code.

When the yelling has ended, look for a time and place where you feel safe to provide some feedback. “When you raise your voice at me, it just makes me defiant and less willing to help you. What would it take for you to broach these issues without me without raising your voice?”

Notice the Signs Earlier

At this stage, one would hope that the yeller would take ownership of their behavior and work on ways to stay calm, cool, and collected. But this is the real world, and if you want to avoid a hostile work environment, you might have to do some of the work.

Can you start noticing signs that your colleague’s pressure gauge is near the red zone? If so, have a few tricks to vent that pressure before it blows.

Make a point of validating what they’re saying. “Steve, it sounds like you don’t feel this plan is set up for success.”Help them identify and expose any underlying issues. “What risks do you see in moving forward with this plan?”Intercept angry or frustrated reactions from others. “Ruth, that’s not what I heard Steve say. I think he was just asking that we consider the timelines and ensure there’s enough for QA.”Take a break and use it to reassure your colleague that you’ve got their back and will help them get their point across. “Steve. I feel like it’s getting a bit tense in there. How can I help you make sure people are hearing your perspective?”

Again, I’m not saying that you can or should take ownership of the person’s behavior, but I am saying that as a good teammate and someone who doesn’t want to have to listen to yelling, there are things you can do to keep things constructive.

Conclusion

Being yelled at can be highly aversive. It’s a hallmark of a hostile work environment. Frequent yelling is not something you should tolerate (or be expected to tolerate). If your colleague is prone to yelling, consider what’s beneath their emotional reaction and try various techniques to make it much less likely they’ll get to that point again.

Additional Resources

Strategies for Managing Emotional Contagion for a Healthier Team Dynamic

Getting Emotional in a Difficult Conversation

Toxic Work Environments

Dr. Magdalena Battles The Best Way to React When Someone is Shouting at You in Anger

 

The post How to Deal with a Colleague Who Yells appeared first on Liane Davey.

Managing a Boss Who Doesn’t Know What They Want

I received an email from a coach last week asking for advice on how to get better feedback. She has a client who is trying desperately but failing to meet her boss’ expectations. The coach described the scenario as the boss saying, “Bring me a rock,” and when the employee brings the rock, he says, “Not that rock!.” It’s infuriating (not to mention demoralizing and hugely inefficient) when you work for a boss who doesn’t know what they want.

You’re unlikely to fully fix your boss’ muddled mind, perforated plans, or revolving requests, but you should be able to reduce their negative impact on you. Try these steps.

Get As Clear As Possible from the Start

In my book The Good Fight, I tell a silly story illustrating how unclear expectations lead to unhappy outcomes. The short version is that your boss asks your team to bake for a company bake sale. He provides no specifics; neither you nor your colleagues ask for clarification. Flash forward to the morning of the bake sale. You bring your famous carrot zucchini muffins. You’re proud as punch bringing your scrumptious golden-domed muffins to the sale, but the boss scolds you for bringing muffins to a bake sale. “Kids don’t like carrot muffins!” While he’s chastising you, he starts trying to pull out the obvious bits of carrot and shoves some M&Ms in for color. “Kids, what kids?” you think to yourself.

Dumb story, real problem. Here’s how to get off to a better start.

Clarify What They’re Looking For

The first round involves simply asking questions to get your boss to describe better what they’re looking for. In the bake sale example, asking “Who is this for?” would have clarified that you were baking for kids, not adults. That alone would have gone a long way.

Another place to probe is if your boss has filled their request with adjectives. Work through them one by one, asking for examples. “You said you’d like this to be “innovative.” What would innovative look like in your mind?”

Understanding why the work is important can also be useful. I’d avoid asking “why” directly because it can seem challenging to a superior, especially one who’s a little cloudy on the answers. Instead, ask, “Where does this fit with the work Marc is doing?” or “You’ve specifically asked for this to be a written document; what do you see as the benefit of that approach?”

Seek Principles and Parameters

Where possible, and especially if your boss struggles to answer the what and why questions definitively, switch to questions that help you understand the principles and parameters they will use to evaluate your work.

Of course, if your boss is struggling to define what they want, they probably aren’t going to be able to lay out a crisp set of principles and parameters, so you’re going to have to help them out with questions such as “Where there are choices to be made, should we err on the side of inclusiveness or speed?” or “What would be the minimum number of customers I should factor into the analysis?”

Define Bad, Good, and Too Good

Another risk with an unclear boss is that you go off trying to build perfection and invest way more time than necessary in your output. While I’m sure it’s apparent that you should leave a conversation with your manager understanding the difference between bad and good, it’s just as vital that you know the line between good and too good. Try questions such as, “What would be out of scope at this point?” or “How many hours do you think I should invest? Should I limit how much time I spend?”

Seek Clarity from Others

If you’re getting nothing but blank stares or mumbo-jumbo from your manager, there might be alternative sources of clarity. Are there other members of your team who have a better sense of what’s needed? Can you ask to participate in any customer or cross-functional discussions that set up the work? Is there a project manager involved who might have a better shot at facilitating alignment? Don’t assume your boss is the only source you can go to to get a better handle on what’s required.

Bring Work in Progress

If we return to the bake sale analogy, multiple opportunities exist for direction and course correction, if necessary.

Summarize Your Understanding

When your boss finishes their delegation, summarize what you heard and what you’re taking away as your marching orders. Ideally, do this in writing. That might mean on a whiteboard in a meeting room, in a Slack channel, or through a follow-up email. Ensuring that you are at least on the same page at the start can save you from getting way off course from the get-go.

Bring a Plan

Next, share your high-level plan for tackling the assignment. In our bake sale example, that would have meant saying, “I’m thinking carrot-zucchini muffins.” Doing so would have avoided wasting time, resources, and frustration. Because of the bake sale story, I think of this as always sharing your recipe before buying ingredients.

“Always share your recipe before buying ingredients.”

Show Your Work

If you’ve clarified the goal and shared your plan, it would be nice to think that you could go away and deliver with little risk of getting off track, but if your boss is a little slippery, you might want to add one more step. Share your work in progress and get feedback before you take it too far. I call this “tasting the batter” because it’s much easier to add M&Ms before you bake than after.

“It’s easier to fix batter than baked good.”

Highlight the Cost of Unclear Expectations

If your boss is a repeat offender in the unclear expectations department, it’s usually worth highlighting the cost of that poor delegation in hopes that it will lead to more care and effort up front next time. Of course, you want to be careful and diplomatic, but if you think you can safely say something, take the opportunity.

Lay Out the Windy Path

When you present your work, document the initial scope and all the iterations and course corrections you went through. Use the exact language you used to confirm the expectations so you’re not showing anything your boss hasn’t seen before. This will highlight the twisty path you took and set you up for giving feedback or searching for more efficient processes later.

Track the Investment

Where it makes sense, keep tabs on how much time you spend and what proportion of this time is wasted because of changes in direction. Some managers don’t have a clue how much of a wake they leave behind them. Share this information after you’ve completed the project to your boss’ satisfaction. It’s a better fit as part of a “lessons learned” than as complaining along the way.

Give Feedback

If your relationship is strong enough, provide clear and direct feedback about how the lack of clear instructions affected you. For example, “When the specs changed after week one, I had done two days of work that didn’t end up being used. How could I get a better handle on what you’re looking for before I invest that much time?”

You’ll notice that I soft-peddled it by framing the question in terms of what you could do differently rather than what your boss could. That’s a safer approach, but feel free to switch to a request of them, such as “Would it be possible to spend a little more time upfront sharing your expectations next time?” if you feel comfortable doing so.

Conclusion

I’ve baked a lot of muffins when the boss was secretly hoping for cupcakes. It’s disheartening and wildly inefficient. These tips aren’t likely to cure a boss flying by the seat of their pants or furiously flip-flopping, but they should get you a somewhat more precise target. You might need more than one recipe and a few tweaks to the batter, but hopefully, once it’s fully baked, it comes out exactly as they had hoped.

Additional Resources

How to Get People To Live Up to Your Expectations

10 Tips for Being Accountable at Work

From Jason Cortel Help! My Boss Sets Unclear Expectations

 

The post Managing a Boss Who Doesn’t Know What They Want appeared first on Liane Davey.

Dealing with a Colleague Who Meddles

Do you have a colleague who’s constantly mucking about in your business? Poking their nose in? Stepping on your toes? Somehow, they have enough time to do their job AND yours! Having a colleague who meddles is a path to some pretty serious friction, so let’s think about the grown-up ways to deal with it to avoid the exasperated eruption moment when you exclaim, “How about YOU DO YOUR JOB AND I’LL DO MINE!!!!”

The Normal Reaction to a Colleague Who Meddles

Before we talk about the high-road responses to an interfering colleague, let’s agree on the more normal and natural ways you might react. Here are some of the less generous conclusions you might arrive at and the impact of caving to that line of thinking:

You conclude that they’re meddling in your affairs because they don’t trust you to do your job well. You think, “How dare you question my competence?” and get defensive. Not good.You conclude that they think they can do your job better than you because they have an ego run amok. You think, “Oh sure, smarty pants!” and wait for opportunities to take them down a peg or two. Not good.You conclude they are utterly ignorant about your function because their suggestions are daft. You think, “You’re not as smart as you think you are,” and discount their suggestions, even the good ones. Not good.You conclude they aren’t strategic because they keep commenting on low-value, tactical aspects of your job rather than adding value on more novel or strategic issues. You think, “You’re stuck in the weeds,” and look down your nose at them.

None of these reactions is unfounded. The question is whether they are conducive to healthy team relationships and to you being as effective as possible in your role. I would argue that all four are cheap and easy conclusions, and the better path is to take the high road instead.

How to Address When Your Colleague Meddles

Once you’ve had a moment to think the thoughts and feel the feels in response to your overbearing colleague, you can choose a more constructive approach to try to reduce their unhelpful and irritating behavior.

Reflect

If you assume your teammate overstepped because they think you are incompetent, you may need to reflect on your self-confidence. Consider their suggestion again with a little emotional distance. Is there merit to it? If so, what was threatening about your colleague raising it? How might you take their suggestion graciously and learn from it?

If their suggestion has no value, why did it bruise your ego? Undoubtedly, the comment is more of a reflection on them than on you, right?

This is an excellent discussion with a colleague, friend, or family member you trust. Share what the person said and ask for a less biased take on whether it was a slam or just an overzealous contribution.

Reframe

If you assume your teammate overstepped because they are nosy, high on themselves, or trying to suck up to the boss, you might need to reframe your story. Reconsider what they said and challenge your negative assumptions about the person’s motives. Would you have reacted similarly if your best friend on the team had said the same thing? If not, are you biased against your one colleague? What got you to that point?

Try coming up with three more positive reasons why the person might have overstepped, such as “they think my work is fascinating,” “they’re new and trying to prove themselves.” “they’re trying to be helpful.”

Leaving room for more generous assumptions will make it easier to have a constructive conversation with your colleague, which is an excellent segue to…

Revisit

Now, it’s time to make your kindergarten teacher proud and use your words. Ignoring your meddling coworker, harboring resentment, and acting increasingly passive-aggressive will only make you miserable and slow everyone down. You need to give the person some feedback. It could look something like this:

Ask for a time to chat about the suggestions they’ve been making.Share an example or two of things they’ve said (e.g., You have suggested how I should handle press releases/budget for R&D /recruit technical talent…or some other tactical matter within your purview.)Be candid about the story you’re telling yourself (e.g., I’m interpreting that as you thinking I’m not doing my job, and that’s not sitting well with me, or I’m finding your suggestions lack context and I’m frustrated that they’re not a good use of either of our time.)Ask an open-ended question to get their perspective. (e.g., What are you hoping to accomplish by getting involved in these tactical issues in my function?)

Ideally, their reaction will be surprise, “Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to overstep!” “I didn’t mean to imply that you can’t do your job; I guess I just get drawn into the detail in ways that aren’t helpful. I’ll try to get out of the weeds.”

I realize that not many people will have the composure to say that in the moment, even if they eventually feel that way. Don’t push the feedback much further than this. Instead, pivot to a more positive and future-oriented discussion like this…

Redirect

Once you’ve shared the impact of their inappropriate contributions, define a more valuable way they can help (or, yes, even a more useful way they can feel like a smarty pants or show off in front of the boss). The idea is to redirect them away from the tactical or operational details you’ve got a handle on and instead solicit their input on more strategic issues or areas where your expertise is thinner.

“I would value your partnership on where we take the supply chain project. Would you have time to brainstorm with me?”

Colleagues who are understimulated, who like to feel relevant and in the thick of things, or who want to show off how much they have to offer are going to go off, so you might as well aim it in a useful direction.

Conclusion

There are infinite reasons why your colleague might be overstepping and making low-value contributions that feel like challenges to your credibility or your authority. It’s not your job to psychoanalyze them. Instead, it’s your job to rise above your initial thoughts and feelings of defensiveness or derision and have a grown-up conversation that will lead to a more useful type of input.

Additional Resources

How to Deal With Passive-Aggressive Coworkers

Toxic Work Environments

From the fantastic Amy Gallo: HBR. Getting Along: My Coworker is Sabotaging Me–and My Boss Won’t Help

The post Dealing with a Colleague Who Meddles appeared first on Liane Davey.