Nurul Syahida's Blog, page 2

GAD

I don't want to be one of those people who admit to having mental disorders without being checked by health professionals.

But I do have to admit that I am becoming more and more anxious each day, the helplessness of which I do not even know how to explain except that I am now hanging by a thread.

Oh, this actually started much much simpler than it is. I have always been a jittery person. It's part and parcel of being an introvert. I think too much. My brain would automatically go, "Did that thing that I did or say a day ago/a week ago/a month ago/ a year ago/20 years ago something cringy? It was cringy, wasn't it? Oh my God, I am not going to be able to live this down" every night. I called myself a balancist - someone who would always think the worse that could happen whenever everybody is too positive about the outcome. It was an obsession to me, to be the party-pooper, because otherwise the world will not be balanced. I am always tired, I have more vivid nightmares than good dreams (which I kinda enjoy, as weird as it sounds. Having nightmares means that I would wake up and be like, "Oh thank God that's just a dream..." rather than having great dreams and waking up and be like, "Ugh, my real life is shit", so yeah, nightmares woohoo!

But I have lived with it. I have continued to live my life with it and the older I get, the less severe it felt. I became mature enough to learn and let things go, to think that everybody is cringy and everybody must have those embarrassing moments in their lives that they would rather not think about. Which is why nowadays I will read things on the internet until I fall asleep, just so that my mind won't go down that rabbit hole.

But this week has been the most challenging week of all, because of one person. No, it's not my dad. I know I keep saying that I am stressed out trying to navigate the path that is his health situation and his stubbornness in maintaining the same lifestyle before his kidney went bonkers on him. But dad, that I can still handle.

But this other person... I can't.

Let me give you a situation without explaining who this person is. Say that you are a member of an elite force, who has been following all the rules to ensure the safety of your team. But you have that one member who has screwed up and endangered his life, and decided that "you know what, I am not gonna care about this. If I have to die because of it, I will die because of it"... He is adamant in not changing anything, in not moving forward, in not doing anything at all. He is shutting down. In a different situation, you would go, "Fine, destroy yourself if you must. I don't care". But being a member of your team means that his refusal to budge is endangering everybody else. And he can't be reasoned with, he will snap at the idea of having people try to reason with him (he even snapped at the team leader), and the only solution to not risk the team's safety is on him. You can't kill him or banish him. That's not something you can do for obvious reasons.

And also, because loyalty and obligation demand that you have to stick with him, even if he hates your guts.

So how do you resolve that issue? How do you suppose you can protect your team from a team member who just wants the world to burn? How do you protect a person who doesn't want to protect himself, who hates you, and who has yet to realise that he is the only person who can save himself? You know that you can't solve the problem, but you have to. You just have to. You don't know how, but you have to. And that helplessness is eating you inside.

And to make things worse, you are the team member who will be at the forefront when the attack finally comes because you are there. You are always there. There is no other team that you can hide behind, there is no other war you can distract yourself with, nobody who could shield you from it and tell you that "It's going to be okay", because you are there, because you are the team member whose responsibility it is to tell everybody "It's going to be okay". And every single time you hear a sound behind the enemy line, your heart feels like it's going to burst. You can't sleep. You can't distract yourself with other things. You are slowly being reduced, bit by bit, by the cancerous nature of your anxiety.

And then you have to go out, and smile.

The only positive thing you can get from this is that, "Heck, at least I have no appetite for food, so at least in six to seven months' time, I am going to be thin again."

TINGKAP DAN PINTU (Wulan & Neal)

I often get requests to continue with Wulan & Neal's story. The truth is, I have actually written one in 2016, when Kak Lynn (Dayana) asked me to write a short story for her anthology series "DONGENG CINTA". But a few weeks after submitting it, I wrote another story ("Hoy Thod") and asked her to take W&N off it.

Why? Because it didn't feel right. I have no plans to continue their story because I liked the way it ended. I like the fact that Neal didn't end up with Wulan because he didn't deserve her and not getting the happy ending he wanted.

But then again, I guess, rather than let it die in my laptop, let's just publish it here instead.

But let me warn you, if you are a romantic, you are not gonna like it.



TINGKAP DAN PINTU
I
Satu: Jumlah tiket yang dibeli
Tiket pergi. Dia belum fikir tentang tiket balik. Dia tahu itu keputusan yang bodoh, memandangkan dia tidak pasti sama ada dia akan menemui apa yang dicari, atau yang dicari mahu dirinya ditemui pun. Tapi dia nekad. Kalau dia beli tiket balik sekali, sama sahaja seperti dia menetapkan batas waktu untuk usahanya.
Dua: Jumlah minuman yang tertumpah sepanjang perjalanan
Pertama, ketika dia sedang membalas emel di tablet miliknya. Dia sedang menikmati secawan kopi di kafe ketika dia sedang membaca emel kerja apabila seorang kanak-kanak berusia enam tahun membuat keputusan untuk berlari ke arah mejanya. Minumannya jatuh mengotori tab itu. Mungkin kerosakan itu satu hikmah, kerana sekarang dia tak perlu mempedulikan emel yang masuk.
Kali kedua berlaku dalam penerbangan, hasil kecuaian gadis yang menjadi jiran tempat duduknya. Perempuan aneh, itu persepsi awalnya, ketika dia melabuhkan punggung di sebelah gadis itu. Si gadis asyik menyenguk-nyengak seperti orang yang menghidapi demam selsema, dan tidak sekalipun mengalihkan pandangannya daripada tingkap kapal terbang sedangkan ia belum pun berangkat. Dia hanya menyedari hakikat sebenar keadaan gadis itu apabila pramugari muncul menawarkan tisu.
“Tak apa. Saya okey,” ujar si gadis. Senyuman yang tidak ikhlas dihadiahkan kepada si pramugari yang benar-benar bimbang.
Dia sempat berbual dengan si gadis. Jelas gadis itu, dia mahu ke Putatan dan bertemu bekas tunangnya yang bekerja sebagai guru di sana. Dia mahu selesaikan sendiri masalah di antara mereka, selepas si tunang bertindak memutuskan hubungan mereka melalui Whatsapp.
Mereka sudah bercinta selama enam tahun, sejak tamat pengajian lagi. Si wanita setia menunggu dan menjalin cinta jarak jauh bila si teman lelaki dihantar mengajar jauh ke Sabah, malah menerima pinangan si teman lelaki dengan niat untuk berhenti kerja dan berpindah ke Sabah selepas mereka sah menjadi suami isteri. Perpisahan melalui teks Whatsapp adalah sesuatu yang dahsyat, dan si gadis yakin tunangnya pasti terburu-buru dalam membuat keputusan. Dia mahu ke Putatan dan berbincang. Dia mahu membantu tunangnya menyelesaikan masalah mereka.
Dia turut bersimpati dan memahami keadaan si gadis. Jika difikirkan, dia juga sedang melakukan perkara yang sama. Bezanya, dia sedang cuba mendapatkan semula seorang insan yang dicintainya tanpa balasan.
Si gadis meminta diri untuk ke tandas 30 minit sebelum kapal terbang mendarat agar dia dapat membetulkan solekannya. Ketika itulah si gadis terlanggar air kosong yang berada di atas meja lipat sampai jatuh ke atas ribanya. Si gadis memohon maaf dan ingin membantu tapi dia menolak. Mana mungkin dia akan membiarkan gadis itu menyentuh bahagian yang terkena air. Sebaik sahaja mereka tiba di Lapangan Terbang Antarabangsa Kota Kinabalu, dia segera ke tandas untuk menukar seluarnya.
Tiga: Jumlah teksi yang enggan mengambilnya
   Tiada siapa mahu ke Jesselton Point. Kata mereka ada kemalangan di Jalan Haji Saman yang menyebabkan trafik sesak. Dia akhirnya berjaya dalam percubaan keempat, itu pun selepas dia berjanji untuk membayar penambahan 50 peratus selain caj asal. Dia tahu itu satu kesalahan. Teksi tidak boleh meminta caj tambahan melainkan untuk perkhidmatan selepas jam 12 tengah malam. Tapi dia tidak mahu cari gaduh dengan si pemandu setelah bersusah-payah mendapatkan khidmatnya.
Empat: Jumlah siaran lagu “Bulih Bah… Kalo Kau” dendangan Adam AF2 di radio sepanjang perjalanan
Perjalanan yang sepatutnya memakan masa setengah jam bertukar menjadi perjalanan selama dua jam, bertemankan siaran radio KKFM dan ERA Kota Kinabalu yang memainkan lagu-lagu yang jarang didengari telinganya sepanjang dia di Semenanjung. Dia tiba di Jesselton Point beberapa minit sebelum kaunter bot ditutup, menolak semua aktiviti yang ditawarkan termasuk layar-layang, jet ski, dan selaman skuba. Dia memakai jaket keselamatan yang diberikan, lantas menaiki bot di samping lapan penumpang lain menuju ke Pulau Manukan.
Cermin mata hitamnya disarung, melindung terik mentari. Bau bayu lautan menusuk hidungnya, segar, berbeza sekali dengan tengik jalan tar dan asap kereta yang dihadapinya sehari-hari di Kuala Lumpur.   Lima: Jumlah saat yang berlalu dengan canggung tatkala mereka bertentang mata
Dari jauh dia sudah nampak lelaki berbangsa cina itu, yang berbaju batik dan berseluar khaki separa lutut, rambutnya yang panjang mencecah bahu diikat toncit tinggi di kepala. Papan tanda berwarna hitam dengan tulisan ‘Welcome to W&H Reception. Follow the Pink Flags’ berwarna merah jambu dipegang erat sambil si lelaki cina tersenyum dan mengucap sesuatu kepada setiap penumpang yang baru turun.
Lantas dia menghampiri lelaki itu.
“Hi, are you a guest?” tanya si lelaki berbangsa cina.
Dia menanggalkan cermin matanya.
“Long time no see, Henry,” tegurnya.
Si lelaki berkerut dahi. 
“Neal? Kau ke tu?”
II
“Okey. Okey, terima kasih ya, Horace,” ujar Henry, sebelum dia mematikan panggilan.
Pandangannya dialihkan kembali pada Neal, yang kini sedang duduk di atas sofa empuk di ruang tamu biliknya. Dia sukakan ruangan itu dan memilihnya kerana ia benar-benar menghadap laut. Dia fikir mahu kekal di Manukan Island Resort buat beberapa hari lagi selepas majlis berakhir, sendirian, menikmati cutinya yang masih berbaki seminggu.
Dia tidak sangka dia akan berdiri di depan rakan karibnya yang sudah tiga tahun tidak ditemuinya.
“How long has it been? Five? Six years?” tanya Neal.
Oh, Henry terlupa pula. Baginya, baru tiga tahun. Bagi Neal pula, lebih lama dari itu. Neal anggap kali terakhir mereka bertemu adalah pada Hari Krismas tahun 2011, beberapa minggu selepas Henry memutuskan hubungan persahabatan mereka. Ketika itu, Neal cuba memperbetulkan kesilapannya.
Pada pandangan Neal, dia menyangka dia cuma menjadi kawan yang baik buat Henry dengan memikat wanita kecintaan si teman yang bernama Ivy. Dia mahu memperlihatkan diri tunang Henry yang sebenar, kerana itu dia bertindak memikat Ivy lantas menjalinkan hubungan sulit dengan gadis itu. Tapi Henry enggan menerima penjelasan itu, malah memutuskan persahabatan mereka. 
Tapi kali terakhir Henry bertemu Neal adalah di saat dia membuat keputusan untuk membantu Wulan membalas dendam pada lelaki itu. Henry tidak pasti Neal sedar hakikat itu.
“Entahlah. Aku tak ingat,” ujar Henry. Matanya asyik mengerling ke luar, risau seseorang muncul dari arah pantai.
“Aku nak jumpa dia, Hen,” ujar Neal secara tiba-tiba.
“Siapa?” tanya Henry.
“Don’t pretend like you don’t know. Dah dua kali aku hantar mesej kat kau pasal dia,” ujar Neal.
Henry mengeluh panjang. Dia tahu siapa yang Neal maksudkan.
“Dia kat mana sekarang?” tanya Neal lagi.
“It has been years, Neal. You should just let it go and move on with your life,” ujar Henry lagi.
Neal senyum. Kelat.
“Tak boleh. Aku dah cuba, tapi tak boleh. I need to see her. I need to know. Aku tahu sekarang bukan masa yang sesuai, what with the wedding and all. Tapi aku tak tahu macam mana nak contact dia. Kalau bukan sebab aku nampak gambar dia dalam Instagram kau, aku tak tahu pun yang dia ada kat sini.”
Ada keikhlasan dan keterdesakan dalam renungan si teman yang Henry tidak pernah lihat. Lalu dia beralah.
“Fine. Petang ni majlis berinai, jadi mungkin dia ada kat khemah tepi pantai. Sama ada dia kat sana, atau dia pergi makan kat kafe. Just don’t tell her that I told you where she is,” ujar Henry.
Senyuman kembali terukir di bibir si teman.
“Thanks, Hen. I owe you one.”
“Jangan berterima kasih dulu,” ujar Henry.
III
Neal tidak tahu jantungnya bisa berdegup selaju ini. Tangannya ditaup ke dada, seolah-olah dengan cara itu, degup jantungnya bisa reda kembali. Dia mahu melangkah dan mendekati gadis yang sedang menikmati sepinggan mi goreng sendirian di meja bulat Kafe Koktas yang dikatakan Henry. Tapi dia masih kekal di situ, memerhatikan si gadis dalam diam.
Dia masih sama, getus Neal. Dia masih memilih tudung bawal berbanding selendang moden yang menjadi trend masakini. Dia masih selesa berbaju kemeja kotak-kotak yang dipadankan dengan jeans lusuh, dan berselipar ke sana ke mari. Kalau ada bezanya pun, gadis di depan matanya itu kini sudah bercermin mata.
Mungkin sejak dulu pun dia pakai cermin mata, cuma kau yang tak pernah ambil peduli, getus Neal lagi.
Nama gadis itu Wulan. Wulan Nazrin. Kali pertama dia bertemu si gadis adalah pada awal tahun 2013, ketika mereka sama-sama menuruni lif selepas tamat waktu pejabat. Neal, seorang peguam di Zarawi & Associates, bekerja di tingkat tujuh wisma yang terletak berdekatan dengan Menara Berkembar Petronas. Wulan pula bekerja sebagai seorang sub-editor di Molten & Molten Publishing di tingkat lapan.
 (bukan di firma konsultansi di tingkat sembilan seperti yang disangkakan. Itulah satu fakta yang tak diketahuinya sehingga semuanya terlewat)
Kali pertama mereka bertemu, Neal menegur Wulan kerana ada stress ball tersekat di beg tangannya. Mereka saling bergurau dan bertukar pandangan. Ia berakhir dengan tawa dan senyuman. Kali kedua mereka bertemu, dia menumpangkan Wulan pulang ke rumah gadis itu di Gombak. Dalam perjalanan pulang, mereka mula mengenal diri masing-masing, atau setidak-tidaknya, asas karakter mereka.
Neal seorang kasanova, penggemar wanita, atau ‘relationship freelancer' - terma yang sering digunakannya. Wulan pula seorang gadis biasa yang hidup hanya untuk bekerja dan menjaga ibunya, hidden feminist yang berpegang pada konsep ‘lelaki yang berperangai buruk harus dipotong anunya’. Sejak awal lagi Neal berminat. Dia tidak pernah bertemu gadis seperti Wulan yang pemalu tapi tak segan untuk meluahkan prinsip sendiri. Jadi dia membuat helah sehingga berjaya mendapatkan nombor telefon gadis itu.
Neal akui, pada mulanya sukar untuk dia mendapatkan Wulan. Wulan bukan gadis biasa yang ditemuinya di kelab malam. Gadis itu tidak nampak apa yang gadis lain nampak dalam dirinya. Wulan tidak peduli Neal peguam yang berjaya dan tidak tertipu dengan kata-kata manisnya.
“She calls my bluff easily,” kata Neal pada teman karibnya Brian dulu.
Tapi bak kata orang (atau bak kata Brian), “logam pun boleh cair, apatah lagi perempuan”. Jadi Neal guna senjata paling berkesan, teknik memikat wanita yang tidak pernah lagi gagal.
Tips nombor 6: Ajak si gadis keluar, tapi jangan muncul. Bila dia merajuk dan marah, berikannya persembahan terbaik andaNeal memilih lagu “On the Street Where You Live” nyanyian Nat King Cole untuk melakukannya. Ternyata, Wulan akhirnya jatuh cinta. 
Namun begitu, bukan cinta Wulan yang Neal ingini. Tiga rakan karibnya Brian, Raj, dan Felipe telah mencabar Neal untuk menerbitkan sebuah ‘buku rujukan’ dan berkongsi semua teknik memikat wanita. Sekalipun Neal punya strategi dan cara memikat untuk segala jenis wanita, tiada seorang pun daripada mereka seperti Wulan. Wulan, si gadis bandar kelas sederhana, si plain jane yang tidak punya apa-apa selain daripada usaha dan kerja keras.
“She’s not your average models and rich girls with daddy issues. She’s the 99 percent. Kalau you boleh dapatkan dia, you boleh dapatkan mana-mana perempuan,” ujar Raj seperti seorang saintis, ketika membentangkan hujahnya.
(Tapi kini dia tidak pasti sama ada strategi itu punca Wulan jatuh cinta padanya, atau gadis itu nampak sesuatu yang lebih lagi. Sejak mengenali Wulan, dia tidak pasti tentang apa-apa lagi)
Seperti mana dia berjaya mendapatkan Wulan dengan tekniknya, dia juga harus membuktikan yang dia boleh meninggalkan gadis itu dengan cara aman tanpa sebarang drama. Dia dan teman-temannya bertaruh yang dia boleh memutuskan apa yang ada di antara dia dan Wulan tanpa memutuskan persahabatan mereka. Maka, dia mencipta watak Aina. Aina kononnya ‘the one that got away’, gadis yang mampu menjadikan dia lelaki yang sempurna, tetapi telah mengahwini lelaki lain. Dalam ceritanya pada Wulan, Aina sudah bercerai dan mereka kini bersama. Maka dalam diam, Wulan mengundur diri.
Apa yang Neal tidak tahu, Wulan rupa-rupanya bekerja di tingkat lapan, dan gadis itu diberikan tanggungjawab untuk menyunting manuskrip playbook yang dihantar Neal kepada majikannya. Dari situ Wulan dapat tahu hal sebenar. Dalam kemarahan, Wulan bersekongkol dengan Henry, bekas teman karib Neal, untuk membalas dendam. Henry bersetuju, apatah lagi bila Neal juga pernah mengkhianatinya dengan memikat wanita kecintaannya.
Apa yang Wulan tidak tahu, Neal pula mula jatuh cinta padanya, pada kemurahan hati Wulan, pada kesanggupan gadis itu untuk terus menjadi bahu sandarannya. Tapi Neal terlalu lambat bertindak, terlalu sibuk cuba mengubah diri untuk membuktikan pada Wulan keikhlasannya sehinggakan dia terlewat. Dalam diam, Wulan buat keputusan untuk teruskan hidupnya. Dalam diam, Wulan meninggalkannya untuk pergi mencapai impiannya.
Selama tiga tahun Neal hilang punca. Dia mula menyisih daripada teman-temannya. Dia tidak lagi menjadi tetamu biasa di kelab malam dan mencari wanita bila kesepian. Waktu terluangnya dihabiskan dengan mencari maklumat tentang Wulan. 
Kalau bukan kerana buku itu, pasti dia tidak akan menemui gadis itu.
Beberapa bulan yang lalu, rakan sekerja Wulan yang bernama Wai Ting datang bertemu Neal. Wai Ting beritahu Neal yang dia sudah berhenti kerja dan mendapat kerja yang lebih baik di sebuah penerbitan antarabangsa. Wai Ting juga menyerahkan sebuah buku motivasi yang berjudul “Putuskan!” kepada Neal.
“Hope this helps,” ujar Wai Ting ketika itu.
“Kalau bukan sebab Wai Ting, aku tak tahu pun Wulan ada tulis buku. Jadi aku cari namanya di Google dan gambarnya keluar dalam Instagram kau,” jelas Neal dalam mesej pertamanya kepada Henry, beberapa hari selepas dia menamatkan pembacaan.
Gambar yang dimaksudkan adalah gambar berkumpulan di sebuah majlis makan malam kelolaan syarikat Henry. Wulan sedang tersenyum gembira di samping beberapa orang rakan sekerjanya sambil membuat isyarat PEACE dengan tangannya. Henry juga ada di dalam gambar itu, sekalipun hanya menjenguk dari tempat duduknya di meja berhampiran.
Dari situ, Neal dapat tahu Wulan bekerja dengan syarikat mengaturcara majlis milik keluarga Henry di Kota Kinabalu. Bila Henry enggan membalas mesejnya, Neal buat keputusan untuk menggali maklumat melalui khidmat pelanggan syarikat tersebut. Dari situ dia dapat tahu syarikat Henry akan menguruskan sebuah majlis perkahwinan di Pulau Manukan.
Kini dia di sini. Di Pulau Manukan. Wulan pula di depan matanya, sedang menikmati sepinggan mi goreng tanpa mempedulikan pandangan sesiapa. Dia selesa bersendirian, tak ubah seperti dirinya yang dahulu.
Dalam dia berfikir-fikir cara untuk menegur Wulan, mata mereka bertentang.
Garfu di tangan Wulan jatuh berdenting ke atas pinggan. Dengan matanya masih merenung Neal, Wulan bangkit perlahan-lahan, melangkah setapak demi setapak menuju ke arah lelaki itu sehingga mereka berada betul-betul di depan mata. Jantung Neal mula berdegup kencang. 
“Neal?” suara Wulan masih sama. Bagaikan irama di telinganya.
“Hai,” balas Neal, tidak tahu apa yang harus dikatakannya.
“Neal!” Wulan berteriak. Matanya membulat, mulutnya ternganga, tapi ada kegembiraan terlihat di sebalik pandangannya. “Neal, ya Allah! Awak ke? Betul ke awak ni?”
“Err… ya…” Neal tak tahu nak balas apa. 
Dia terkejut dengan reaksi Wulan. Dalam fikirannya, Neal sudah bersedia dengan kemungkinan yang Wulan akan melarikan diri atau menamparnya.
Bukan begini!
“Neal, lamanya tak jumpa. Rindunya saya. Awak dah jumpa Henry dah? Henry ada kat jeti tadi rasanya. Nanti saya call dia…” Wulan mula mengeluarkan telefon pintarnya.
“Eh, tak apa. Saya dah jumpa dia tadi,” Neal menghalang.
“Oh, eh? Tak apa la kalau macam tu.” Telefon kembali dimasukkan ke dalam poket seluar. Wulan mengalih perhatiannya kembali pada Neal.
“Awak sihat?” tanya gadis itu.
Neal senyum, lantas mengangguk.
“Well then, jom.”
“Jom?”
“Jom saya tunjukkan awak sekeliling!” ujar Wulan dengan gembira.
“Tapi kita belum lagi ber…” 
Neal tak sempat menghabiskan kata-katanya. Wulan sudah pun memulakan langkahnya menuju ke hotel.
IV
Mereka melewati kawasan kafeteria, menuju ke arah hotel, seterusnya ke tapak khemah di mana majlis berinai bakal diadakan. Wulan memperkenalkan Neal kepada rakan-rakan sekerjanya, pada keluarga pengantin perempuan yang bernama Wanda, dan seterusnya kepada para pekerja di lobi hotel. Kemesraan Wulan dengan semua yang ada di situ membuatkan Neal sedar bahawa Wulan bukan gadis yang sama seperti yang ditemuinya dulu.
Wulan juga membawanya ke tepi pantai, dan memperkenalkan Neal pada Anang dan Christian, dua penyelam Pulau Manukan yang dianggap Wulan seperti saudaranya sendiri.
“Anang dan Christian selalu bawak pelancong belajar skuba kat sini secara percuma. Tapi jangan percaya pada kebaikan diorang tu, terutama sekali Anang. Itu cuma alasan dia untuk peluk perempuan yang tak dikenali. Bawak perempuan tu ke tengah laut, bila perempuan tu terumbang-ambing kena ombak, dia akan panik dan peluk Anang. Buruk perangai,” bisik Wulan pada Neal, sebaik sahaja Anang dan Christian kembali ke laut.
Neal ketawa.
“Hei, jangan jadikan tips untuk digunakan balik Semenanjung nanti pulak!” ujar Wulan.
“Saya tak macam dulu, Wu,” ujar Neal.
Wulan kerut dahi. “Really? Awak macam mana sekarang?”
“Saya dah jadi budak baik. Bak kata G-Dragon, I am a good good boy.”
Wulan ketawa. “Yalah tu!” 
Belum sempat Neal membalas, Wulan sudah berlari-lari anak menuju ke sebuah pondok, mengeluarkan sesuatu daripada begnya dan meminta seorang budak lelaki di pondok itu untuk menjaga barangnya. Kemudian dia kembali kepada Neal yang masih terpinga-pinga di tepi pantai.
“Nah,” Wulan menghulur sepasang gogal kepada Neal.
“Untuk apa?” tanya Neal.
“Kalau dah sampai Pulau Manukan, kena la skuba!” ujar gadis itu. “Awak tak ada baju nak salin? Jangan risau, nanti saya paksa Henry pinjamkan.”
“Bukan. Saya tak kisah. Tapi awak tak kisah ke kalau basah? Awak ada event lagi sekejap lagi, kan?” tanya Neal. 
Wulan berdecit, seolah-olah mempersoalkan Neal kerana berfikiran kolot.
“Itu kita boleh fikir kemudian!” ujarnya, lantas menyarung gogal.
Tanpa sempat Neal membalas, Wulan sudah pun separuh jalan menuju ke arah laut.
V
Neal tidak pernah sangka. Kalau ditanya pada dirinya tiga tahun yang lalu, pasti Neal yang itu akan ketawa dan berkata, “Aku? Wulan? Pergi skuba sama-sama? Tak masuk dek akal!”
Tapi kini itulah yang sedang berlaku. Mereka sama-sama berada di dasar laut Pulau Manukan, Wulan beberapa tapak di depan, melambai padanya dan menuding jari pada semua hidupan di dalam air. Gadis itu menggoncang sesuatu yang diambil dari poket seluarnya, menjemput kawanan ikan untuk berenang di sekelilingnya. Wulan mendepa tangannya dan membuat isyarat dengan tangan agar Neal memberi tumpuan padanya. Kemudian dia membuat beberapa pusingan pirouette ala ballerina sambil dikelilingi ikan yang hanya mahukan sesuatu yang digenggam dalam tangan. Neal tersenyum bertepuk tangan, terhibur dengan persembahan tak seberapa gadis itu.
Mereka kembali ke darat tidak lama kemudian, tercungap-cungap keletihan sambil duduk berehat di atas pasir pantai yang memutih.
“Dah berapa kali awak datang sini?” tanya Neal.
“Kenapa?” tanya Wulan.
“Awak nampak macam dah biasa sangat kat sini,” ujar lelaki itu lagi.
“Saya memang selalu datang ke sini bila ada masa lapang. Kiranya dalam sebulan sekali lah. Kalau tak sini, mungkin Sapi atau Mamutik. Tapi saya lebih suka Manukan,” ujar Wulan.
“Kenapa Manukan?” tanya Neal.
Wulan angkat bahu. “Kadang-kadang bila kita suka something tu, kita just suka. Tak perlu ada sebab.”
Neal tersenyum mengangguk.
“Betul kata awak. Saya pun ra…”
“Lagipun ini tempat pertama Henry bawa saya masa saya baru sampai,” ujar Wulan tanpa sempat Neal menghabiskan kata-katanya. “Bila saya rindu pada mak di KL dan tak dapat balik, saya akan ke sini untuk tenangkan diri. Jadi Pulau Manukan lebih special berbanding yang lain.” 
“Oh…” Neal telan liur. “Awak dengan Henry ada apa-apa ke?”
Wulan tidak menjawab soalannya. Dia hanya ketawa.
“Eh, jomlah. Saya kena uruskan majlis berinai. Ini dah exceed waktu rehat dah ni. Nanti saya call Henry, mintak dia bagi keycard supaya awak boleh berehat kat bilik dia. Atau awak dah nak balik?” tanya Wulan.
“Tak, saya…”
“Okay, then. Majlis berinai off limits to men. Kalau awak senang, malam nanti datanglah majlis perkahwinan. Pinjam sut Henry. Selalunya dia bawa extra.”
“Oh… boleh ke? Tak mengganggu majlis?”
Wulan berdecit. “Boleh aje. Jangan risau. Nanti saya cakaplah awak dengan saya, diorang tak kisah.”
Neal berfikir dengan lama sebelum mengangguk bersetuju.
“Okay, then. Jumpa malam nanti! Meh kita pergi ambil beg daripada si Dodoh sebelum dia lari balik rumah bawak beg saya,” ujar Wulan, lantas bangkit dari duduknya.
VI
“Dah jumpa dia?” tanya Henry di luar bilik air.
“Dah!”
Sekembalinya dia dari pantai, Neal terus ke bilik Henry, di mana lelaki itu sedang menunggu dengan sabar. Henry menyerahkan sehelai tuala serta beg Neal yang ditinggalkan di biliknya sebentar tadi. Dia juga menyerahkan pakaian tambahan yang dibawanya untuk dipakai Neal malam nanti. 
“Dia nampak lain,” ujar Neal, sambil membuang pasir pantai dari rambutnya.
Henry di luar pula sedang menyapu krim muka di depan cermin. Dia sudah pun siap berpakaian lengkap untuk keluar melakukan tugasnya. Sekalipun dia tidak menghadiri majlis berinai, dia tetap akan sibuk menguruskan majlis malam nanti.
“Of course lain. It has been what? Three years? Dulu dia suka menyendiri, suka ikutkan sifat introvert dia. Tapi sekarang dia kerja dalam bidang event management. Nak atau tak nak, dia kena jadi aktif dan upbeat,” ujar Henry, sambil menggerakkan kepalanya ke kiri dan ke kanan untuk memastikan tiada cacat cela dan sisa krim di sisi wajahnya.
“Oh…” Neal berfikir seketika sebelum kembali bersuara. “Henry? Kau dengan Wulan ada apa-apa ke?”
Tiada jawapan.
Neal mematikan pancuran air, lantas membuka pintu bilik air. Dia menjenguk ke luar. Henry sudah pun beredar.
VII
Wulan angkat muka, lantas memberikan senyuman lebar.
“Hei!” dia segera bangkit, lantas melambai-lambaikan tangannya agar Neal mendekati.
Tidak seperti rupanya siang tadi, malam itu, Neal kembali segak bergaya, tak ubah seperti Neal the Relationship Freelancer yang dahulu. Dia melangkah perlahan-lahan ke arah Wulan. Seketika dia terpegun melihat gadis itu di depan matanya.
Bukanlah hendak dikata Wulan secantik Neelofa atau Ayda Jebat, tapi Wulan yang dikenalinya dulu tidak pernah bersolek lebih daripada sedikit calitan gincu dan bedak asas di muka. Wulan yang berada di depan matanya di saat itu nampak berbeza. Solekannya jauh lebih baik, tudung bawalnya bertukar menjadi tudung selendang yang dililit kemas dengan lebihannya terjuntai membentuk alunan di sisi muka. Kemeja dan jeans juga berubah menjadi shalwar kameez yang labuh berwarna lavender dengan corak bunga merah jambu, dipadankan dengan seluar dengan warna yang sama, pastinya untuk memudahkan dia bergerak ke sana ke mari jika ada tugas yang perlu dilakukan. Cermin matanya berganti kanta lekap, menyerlahkan bulu matanya yang panjang dan matanya yang galak.
Mereka duduk bersama-sama di meja yang paling belakang, tempat yang sengaja dipilih Wulan supaya dia boleh bergerak dengan pantas jika ada sebarang masalah. Henry pula sibuk ke sana ke mari menguruskan kerja, sekali sekala menoleh ke arah mereka dan melambai ke arah Neal.
Wulan terkejut apabila gambarnya diambil oleh Neal ketika makanan sedang dihidangkan.
“Awak nampak cantik malam ni,” ujar Neal, melambaikan telefon pintarnya sebelum memasukkannya kembali ke dalam poket.
“Oh, terima kasih. Tapi mungkin awak aje yang rasa macam tu, sebab budak-budak yang lain dah naik menyampah tengok saya pakai baju yang sama,” ujar Wulan.
“Apa salahnya pakai baju yang sama? Yang cantik bukan baju, tapi si pemakai,” balas Neal, memandang Wulan atas bawah.
Wulan tergelak. “Oh my God, rindunya saya dengan mulut tebu awak, Neal.”
“Awak tak pernah nak ambil serius kata-kata saya, kan?”
“Oh, okey. Awak serius. So, saya pun akan serius. Terima kasih, Neal,” Wulan tersengih.
Perbualan mereka terhenti seketika apabila pengantin lelaki muncul di pentas persembahan. Si pengantin yang bernama Haris mengucapkan terima kasih kepada para tetamu yang hadir, dan menjelaskan bahawa dia punya kejutan buat isterinya Wanda. Haris mahu mendendangkan sebuah lagu buat Wanda.
“Pertama kali saya jumpa Wanda, saya sudah jatuh cinta padanya. Setiap kali saya turun ke Kota Kinabalu, saya akan cari alasan untuk lalu di depan kawasan perumahannya. Tak kisahlah kalau Wanda ada di rumah atau tak, dapat tengok bumbung rumahnya pun sudah cukup untuk saya buat melepas rindu,” ujar Haris.
Para tetamu ketawa. Muzik mulai dimainkan. Kedua-dua Wulan dan Neal saling berpandangan. Mereka kenal permulaan lagu itu.
“I have often walked down this street before, But the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before, All at once am I several stories high, Knowing I'm on the street where you live…”
Ia lagu yang sama yang pernah dinyanyikan oleh Neal kepada Wulan dalam usahanya untuk memikat gadis itu. Bezanya, Neal mendendangkannya dengan petikan gitar, dan menghantar rakaman itu melalui emel kepada Wulan. 
“Wulan…” Neal memulakan.
“Excuse me,” ujar Wulan, lantas bangkit meninggalkan dewan majlis.
Neal memandang sekeliling dan bertentang mata dengan Henry, yang jelas sekali telah melihat insiden itu. Wajah Henry berkerut, bagaikan tahu apa yang sedang berlaku. Tanpa menunggu sebarang respons, Neal turut bangkit lantas meninggalkan dewan.
VIII
Neal tidak perlu mencari jauh. Wulan tidak ke mana-mana kecuali ke tapak khemah di mana majlis berinai diadakan siang tadi. Gadis itu sedang duduk berteleku menikmati bayu laut yang bertiup dingin.
“Boleh saya duduk?” tanya Neal.
Wulan menoleh ke arahnya. Dia berfikir seketika sebelum mengangguk.Neal lantas melabuhkan punggungnya di sebelah Wulan.
“Saya nak minta maaf,” ujar Neal.
“Ha?”
“Saya nak minta maaf. Itu sebabnya saya ke sini. Saya tak pernah dapat peluang tu. Awak tak pernah balas emel, dan awak tukar nombor telefon. Lepas awak pergi, berkali-kali saya datang jumpa Wai Ting dan minta dia beritahu saya awak ke mana. Tapi kawan awak tu setia. Dia tak pernah beritahu saya hingga ke akhirnya. Dia cuma bagi saya buku awak. But it helps. Kalau bukan sebab buku awak, saya tak akan jumpa awak.”
Wulan senyum. “Maafkan saya sebab buat awak tercari-cari.”
Neal geleng kepala. “Tak apa. Saya buat salah pada awak, itulah hukuman saya. Lagipun sekarang awak dengan Henry, so, tak ada apa lagi yang saya boleh cakap.”
Wulan berkerut dahi, lantas menoleh pada Neal.
“Saya dengan Henry?”
“Awak dengan Henry ada hubungan, kan?” Neal cuba kenal pasti.
Wulan tergelak. “Ya. Tapi itu dulu.”
“Maksud awak?”
Wulan mengeluh panjang.
“Masa saya mula-mula pindah ke sini, saya banyak bergantung pada dia untuk semuanya. Dia carikan saya tempat tinggal, dia perkenalkan saya kepada kawan-kawannya. Kita orang banyak habiskan masa bersama, jadi ramai yang salah sangka. Jadi saya dengan dia pun cuba. We tried dating for a while, tapi tak sampai sebulan pun. Kita orang sedar yang kita orang berkelakuan lebih macam adik dan abang berbanding pasangan bercinta. Tak kira macam mana pun kita orang mencuba, rasanya pelik. Henry pernah kata kita orang ni macam blood brothers. Jadi buat macam mana pun, hubungan tu tak boleh berubah jadi lain.”
Hati Neal kembali berbunga.
“Lagipun saya dah tak marah pada awak, Neal. Perasaan marah tu dah lama hilang, sejak saya masih di Semenanjung lagi. Tak ada sebab awak nak minta maaf pada saya. Semuanya dah berlalu. Awak tak perlu bersusah-payah cari saya sampai ke sini untuk minta maaf,” ujar Wulan.
“Jadi kenapa awak lari keluar bila awak dengar lagu tadi?” tanya Neal.
Wulan tersenyum kelat. “Ada sesetengah perkara yang kita tak boleh nak let go. Lagu tu satu daripadanya.”
Neal berkerut dahi.
“Jangan salah faham, Neal. Saya dah maafkan awak. Tapi lagu tu tetap ada makna bagi saya. Lagu tu dulu yang buat saya jatuh cinta pada awak. Kita boleh sentiasa lupakan sesuatu yang dah berlaku, tapi kita tak akan lupakan sesuatu yang cetuskan perasaan tu. Bila lagu tu dimainkan tadi, saya rasa macam saya kembali ke tahun 2013, kembali ke bilik saya, kembali berada di depan laptop dan dengar suara awak menyanyi,” Wulan mengeluh panjang.
“Wulan, saya…”
“Sorry sebab saya cakap semua ni. Lupakan aje semuanya, Neal. Know that I have already forgiven you, dan awak boleh balik KL dengan aman,” ujar Wulan.
Neal merenung wajah lembut gadis itu.
“Bukan itu aje sebabnya saya ke sini,” ujar Neal.
Wulan membalas renungannya. “Bukan itu aje?”
Neal menggeleng. Lantas dia mengubah kedudukannya dan menghadap gadis itu.
“Saya nak awak, Wu. I want to be with you.”
Bibir Wulan terkumat-kamit bagaikan ingin mengatakan sesuatu, tetapi tidak tahu apa yang patut diperkatakan.
“Wu, saya datang bukan sekadar nak minta maaf. Saya nak awak. Dah tiga tahun berlalu, tapi saya masih tak berjaya teruskan hidup. Dalam otak saya, saya asyik fikir, what if, what if. What if saya end up dengan awak? What if saya memang ditakdirkan bersama awak? What if saya tak sakitkan hati awak dulu? What if awak memang masih ada hati pada saya dan awak lepaskan saya tanpa tahu perasaan saya? Sebab tu saya ke sini. Saya nak awak tahu, awak orangnya. Awak yang buat saya jatuh, dan awak yang buat saya berubah. Saya bukan Neal yang dulu lagi. Saya dah tinggalkan hidup saya yang dulu. I am sober from meaningless relationships, as sober as I can be.”
Wulan merenung mata lelaki itu. Tiada lain selain keikhlasan terpancar dalam anak matanya. Anak mata yang pernah buat Wulan jatuh cinta suatu masa dulu. Aneh, kerana suatu masa dahulu, Wulan yang bertepuk sebelah tangan. 
“Saya akan jadi lelaki yang terbaik buat awak, kalau awak sudi terima saya semula. Saya tahu saya banyak buat salah, saya dah sakitkan hati ramai orang, saya dah buat ramai hilang kepercayaan pada orang macam saya. Tapi saya bukan Neal yang sama. For example, hari ni, ada awak nampak saya flirt dengan mana-mana perempuan pakai bikini? Ada tak saya cuba pikat pengantin perempuan just to prove a point? Ada tak saya pandang perempuan lain selain awak?”
Wulan tergelak mendengar kata-kata Neal.
“Neal…” Dia berdehem. Wajah lelaki itu direnungnya dalam. Dia akui, dia merindui wajah di depan matanya. Dia merindui senyuman, gelak tawa, gurauan Neal (tak kira sama ada lawaknya lucah atau tidak). Walau apa pun yang pernah berlaku, Neal pernah menjadi lelaki yang berjaya merebut hatinya suatu masa dahulu. Neal pernah buat dia tertawa dan bahagia, sekalipun hanya sejenak. Ingatan itu buat dia tersenyum.
“Neal, saya perlukan masa untuk fikirkannya,” ujar Wulan.
Neal mengangguk. “Okey. No problem. Saya akan tunggu awak di jeti esok. Kalau awak sudi terima saya semula, awak jumpa saya kat sana, okey? You don’t have to come home with me. Saya cuma perlukan jawapan awak.”
Wulan tersenyum mendengarnya.
“Okey. Saya janji saya akan bagi jawapannya esok.” 
IX
Hatinya berdebar-debar. Tidurnya tidak lena semalaman sekalipun dia masih kepenatan. Fikirannya hanya tertumpu pada satu jawapan yang dia tak pasti.
“Kalau dia menolak, apa kau nak buat?” tanya Henry padanya malam tadi, sebelum lelaki itu melelapkan mata.
“Entahlah, Hen. Aku tak pernah fikir sejauh tu. Tapi kalau dia menolak, tak ada apa yang aku boleh buat selain terima kenyataan. Kenapa? Kau rasa dia akan menolak?” tanya Neal kembali.
“Dude, kalau aku tau apa yang Wulan fikir, aku dah boleh jadi rocket scientist. She doesn’t always make the decision that you want to hear. She dumped me,” ujar Henry.
“Dia tinggalkan kau? Bukan ke kau orang berpisah secara aman sebab tak serasi?” tanya Neal.
Henry ketawa mendengarnya. “Ya, the breakup was mutual. Tapi dia yang cadangkan.”
Bayu laut bertiup lembut, namun kedinginannya meresap hingga ke dalam hati. Seorang demi seorang tetamu majlis perkahwinan malam tadi muncul di jeti, bersedia untuk kembali ke tanah besar. Dalam masa yang sama, semakin banyak bot muncul membawa pelancong yang ingin menikmati keindahan Pulau Manukan.
Dia baru terfikir untuk menghubungi Wulan, bila Neal nampak kelibat gadis itu dari jauh.
X
“Adeh!”
Kakinya tersadung dalam perjalanan menuju ke tempat duduknya di A-27. Dia menoleh ke belakang dan tersengih malu pada penumpang yang berada di belakangnya. Kemudian dia melangkah kembali menuju ke tempat duduknya.
Neal meletakkan begnya ke tempat barang yang terletak di ruang yang tersedia di atas kepala. Mudah, kerana dia tidak membawa sebarang bagasi selain beg yang disandangnya. Ya, dia tidak membeli tiket balik sebelum ini kerana tidak pasti berapa lama dia akan berada di Kota Kinabalu, tapi dia juga tidak membawa banyak persalinan kerana entah kenapa, dia juga pasti dia tidak akan berada di sana dalam tempoh yang lama.
Dia mengambil tempatnya di tepi tingkap, mengeluarkan telefon pintarnya untuk dipadamkan sebelum pesawat berlepas. Ada beberapa emel lagi yang belum dijawab dan beberapa urusan yang perlu diselesaikan. Tapi bukan itu yang Neal buat. Dia menyentuh aplikasi ALBUM di telefonnya, dan memilih sekeping gambar yang diambilnya malam tadi.
Neal tersenyum sendirian, melihat wajah Wulan yang agak terkejut bila gambarnya diambil malam tadi.
“Maafkan saya, Neal.” Suara Wulan pagi tadi masih terngiang-ngiang di telinganya, seolah-olah ia muncul dari bibir mungil di skrin telefonnya.
Wulan datang pagi tadi. Wulan berikan Neal harapan bila dia muncul di jeti. Tapi bunga yang mulai mekar dalam hatinya tiba-tiba jadi layu bila Wulan semakin menghampiri. Gadis itu tidak perlu membuka mulutnya untuk Neal memahami erti kehadirannya.
“Jawapannya tidak, kan?” tanya Neal sebelum sempat Wulan mengatakan apa-apa.
Gadis itu tersenyum padanya, sekalipun hanya bermaksud simpati.
“Maafkan saya, Neal. Sepanjang malam saya fikirkannya. Saya siap buat solat istikharah untuk dapatkan jawapan. I mean, saya rasa saya siap cheating dalam solat istikharah saya, sebab dalam otak saya, saya nak ikut awak balik, walaupun awak tak paksa saya ikut,” ujarnya.
Kemudian dia mengeluh. “Tapi kalau saya ikut awak balik, saya cuma menipu hati saya dan diri awak. The truth is, perasaan saya dah berubah. Priorities saya pun dah berubah. Mungkin dulu saya ada perasaan tu. Saya nak bersama awak, dan saya terluka bila awak mempermainkan saya. Tapi itu dulu. Saya masih muda masa tu dan saya hidup dalam kotak. It was the same direction. Point A to point B. Rumah, kerja, kerja, rumah. Bila awak muncul, awak jadi point C. Masa tu, hidup saya bukan lagi semata-mata rumah dan kerja. Hidup saya juga ada awak. 
“But I am older now. Lebih matang, lebih memahami diri saya sendiri. My life has more meaning now and life is not as easy as A, B, and C. It’s not about who I end up with. Saya sedar saya tak perlu kejar romance untuk berikan makna dalam hidup saya. This, all this…” Dia mendepa tangannya, memaksudkan bukan hanya Pulau Manukan atau hidupnya di Sabah, tapi semua pengalaman yang dimilikinya sejak dia meninggalkan Kuala Lumpur, “…this is what I wanted. This is what I craved. This is what it means to be me.”
“Ya, mungkin bercinta, berkahwin, ada anak, mungkin semua tu juga bermakna, tapi itu bukan happily-ever-after saya. Mungkin suatu hari nanti, saya akan berubah hati. Mungkin. Siapa tahu? Tapi kalau saya beri awak harapan dengan menerima awak sekarang, itu tak adil bagi awak. I will just drag you along, and I am not the kind of person who would drag people along with no certainty. Mungkin dulu window of opportunity tu ada, tapi itu dulu. Sepanjang malam saya fikirkannya, dan saya sedar, saya dah tutup tingkap tu. Kalau closure yang awak cari, ini saja closure yang boleh saya bagi,” ujar Wulan.
“Awak tak takut orang lain kata awak gila? Awak tak takut orang lain akan kata awak lari daripada kebahagiaan?” tanya Neal.
“Mungkin saya dan orang lain tak berkongsi definisi kebahagiaan yang sama,” balas Wulan dengan senyuman.
Kembali ke pesawat. Neal mengeluh panjang, namun ada senyuman di bibirnya. Dia melukis raut wajah Wulan di skrin telefonnya, dan kemudian menekan butang DELETE. Seseorang muncul melabuhkan punggung di sebelahnya. Neal segera memadamkan telefonnya sebelum memasukkannya kembali dalam poket.
“Ya Allah, ini adalah sangat klise!” Gadis di sebelahnya bersuara.
Neal menoleh.
“Eh?” Dia menuding jari pada gadis itu, tapi tidak ingat namanya.
Mungkin dia tak beritahu pun namanya sebelum ini, getus Neal.
“Awak yang semalam, kan? Pulau Manukan?” tanya gadis itu.
“Ya. Putatan?” Neal cuba memastikan.
Gadis itu ketawa. 
“Ya, sayalah tu, perempuan air mata tu,” ujarnya.
“Macam mana? Awak dah jumpa tunang awak semalam? Okey tak?” tanya Neal.
Gadis itu mengeluh.
“Sudah. Tapi jangan guna perkataan tunang tu dengan saya. Saya dengan dia memang dah tak ada apa-apa. Putus. Habis. Tutup buku.” Gadis itu senyum. Ada lesung pipit yang manis di pinggir bibirnya, mengingatkan Neal pada model Korea Selatan, Lee Ha-nui.
“Awak tak sedih ke?” tanya Neal.
Si gadis mengeluh panjang.
“Tak jugak. Saya ingat saya akan lebih kecewa, mungkin menangis berguling-guling depan rumah dia. Mungkin campak batu bata atas kereta dia kalau dia tolak saya. Tapi tak. Saya tak sempat jumpa dia di tempat yang dijanjikan pun. 
“Masa kita sampai semalam, lepas awak pergi, saya singgah di One Place Mall di Putatan sebab lapar sangat. Masa tengah makan, nak dijadikan cerita, saya ternampak tunang saya, si Arif. Dia dengan perempuan lain, cantik, tinggi, putih, macam orang tempatan. Dia orang singgah kedai baju. Perempuan tu asyik pilih baju dan bagi kat Arif. Arif bayarkan, Arif pegangkan beg plastik, Arif angguk aje pada semua yang perempuan tu cakap. Perempuan tu jalan di depan, dan Arif jalan di belakang. Masa tu saya terfikir, kenapa saya nak merayu lelaki dayus tak ada telur macam dia? Oh, excuse my language,” gadis itu ketawa.
Kemudian dia menyambung, “Jadi lepas makan, saya terus ke Kota Kinabalu, pergi shopping, pergi lepak tepi laut, book hotel mahal, dan enjoy cuti saya yang tak seberapa ni. Semuanya okey. Rasa macam bodoh pulak asyik menangis dalam flight ke sini semalam. Tak dapat tengok pemandangan luar kapal terbang,” tambahnya lagi.
Neal mengangguk-angguk.
“Awak pulak? Kalau awak tak kisah saya bertanya, awak buat apa di Pulau Manukan sebenarnya?” tanya gadis itu.
Neal senyum.
“Saya pergi tutup kes,” ujarnya.
“Oh, lawyer ke?”
Neal ketawa seraya mengangguk.
“Saya lupa nak tanya nama awak. Saya Raudhah. Tapi family panggil Au aje.”
“Au?” Neal ketawa.
“Hei, gelak pulak. Cute la nama Au. Awak pulak?”
“Saya Hasnul. Panggil Neal.”
“Neal? As in ‘Nil’? Awak ada hati gelakkan nama saya Au bila nama panggilan awak bermaksud sifar? Zero?”
“Kalau nak mula sesuatu, kenalah mulakan dengan zero,” balas Neal.
Raudhah tergelak.
“Pandai betul bagi alasan.”
Perbualan mereka terhenti seketika apabila pramugari mula memberikan arahan keselamatan. Raudhah mula memeriksa risalah keselamatan yang disimpan di poket tempat duduknya, sementara Neal hanya memerhati.
“Hei, Au…” tegur Neal separa berbisik.
“Hm?”
“Awak nak duduk tepi tingkap, kan?”
“Awak nak bagi ke?”
“Kalau awak janji untuk makan malam dengan saya balik nanti, saya bagi awak seat saya.”
Raudhah tergelak
“Orang yang baru tutup kes memang banyak masa nak ajak orang lain makan malam eh?” tanya gadis itu.
“Kalau tak makan malam, macam mana nak bukak kes baru?”
“Saya tak ada sebarang kes buat masa ni.”
“Baguslah. Jadi awak tak membazir duit awak untuk bayar khidmat saya.”
Raudhah berfikir buat seketika.
“Okay, fine. Tingkap punya pasal,” ujarnya.
Mereka berpindah tempat duduk.
“Awak tak kisah tak dapat tingkap ke?” tanya Raudhah.
Neal senyum. “Saya tak nak tingkap. Saya nak pintu.”
Satu: Jumlah hubungan Neal selepas Wulan   

The only way for them to cut my belly is by a sword... (my hospital story Part 1)

Pada asalnya aku tak nak menulis pasal surgery aku. I mean, fine, when it was about my dad, I have no issue writing about him because writing about my dad's CKD and sharing his photos on Instagram tak ubah macam satu terapi untuk aku. In the future, I want to go back and think about it with fondness, and to see all the photos, to see how much we have gone through on the road to his recovery.

When it comes to my own health issues, I would rather keep it to myself.

Tapi bila aku fikir balik, masa aku duk Google pasal treatment aku, aku tak jumpa banyak blog yang cerita pasal benda ni, at least bukan blogs yang ditulis oleh someone in Malaysia, yang boleh aku jadikan rujukan. Kebanyakannya ditulis oleh orang luar, yang dapatkan treatment hospital luar. Jadi aku piker, tak apalah. Let's share this, since whenever my friends sent me texts asking me about it, they all have the same question : How did you detect it? How can I detect it?

So first and foremost, why was I in the hospital? Oh, it was something trivial. It was ovarian cyst. To describe it further, it was a 10-cm ovarian cyst the size of a blood orange (I have thought of other fruits, but I just think that the word "blood orange" is most suitable for it ahahaha).


Let's go back to the start.

For the past few months since late 2018 aku memang ada syak something wrong. I would have this throbbing contracting pain on my lower left side. Sakit tu datang macam dua ke tiga jam, excruciating throbbing pain macam something menolak2 atau mengembang. Tapi masa tu bapak aku asik ulang alik hospital, jadi aku macam malas nak deal dengan penyakit sendiri. Kalau dibuatnya gi doktor dan dia kata kena warded, pening kepala family aku nak ulang alik dari satu hospital ke hospital lain. I would take ENO, lepas tu tidur, dan it would go away.

On 8 February 2019, I started to feel that throbbing excruciating mind-numbing pain again. Aku cuba ENO, tak jalan. Tapi tak berani amik painkiller sebab aku syak it got something to do with my kidneys (bila bapak ko CKD, kau jadi hyper aware dengan kesihatan buah pinggang kau). The same day, kucing aku mengamuk dan gigit tangan aku, dan it went numb. So memang makcik terseksa weh. Perut belah kiri sakit gila, tangan kanan tak boleh genggam. Sepanjang waktu tu duk Google penyakit, walaupun kau tahu jawapan kepada sakit ialah "jumpa doktor". A slew of results came out for "excruciating lower left abdominal pain". There were diverticulitis, appendicitis, batu karang, CKD, ovarian cancer (but of course, all roads to health-related Google will end up to with the C-word).

Sabtu 9 Februari. Sakit tak hilang, so aku pon pergi AVISENA. Bukan sebab aku kaya, tapi sebab tak tertampung sakit ni nak tunggu orang ramai kat hospital kerajaan. Buat urine test, doktor kata okey je. Dia bagi ubat untuk buang angin, tetanus shot for my numbing hand from the cat bite, and antibiotik (itu pun untuk cat bite). Bam, RM210 dia charge. Balik rumah, makin sakit lagi ada la. At 4.30pm, I could no longer hold it, so I asked my sister to take me to AVISENA again. This time to the ER.

Blood test, urine test again. Doktor kata ada blood in urine. The last urine test probably silap sebab diorang tak explain betul2 how it should be done. You actually have to pee a bit, stop, then pee again. The second part baru kumpul. Don't ask me why that is. That's what the doctor told me. Doktor kata suspect batu karang.  Ironiknya, dua minggu sebelum tu, kitorang baru melawat Kakdik, jiran kitorang kat AVISENA yang kena undergo surgery batu karang. Tapi a call with my aunt, who said that she had a cyst and it was the same symptom, made me believe the latter. Truthfully, aku lebih prefer the latter, sebab batu karang is a nuisance.

Went for X-ray dan CT scan. Akak aku uruskan kemasukan wad. I have two takafuls. Prudential and Ikhlas (yes, hidup makcik terseksa nak bayar insuran, tapi at least makcik ada dua insurans. ahahah). Fortunately, with Ikhlas, aku ada medical card, which means that I can just get hospitalised tanpa perlu piker pasal nak bayar macam mana. Amik bilik sorang, RM195 per night (takaful cover), , deposit RM500 . Yang kelakarnya, sebelum ni jiran aku dapat bilik 317. Aku dapat bilik 316. Even kat hospital pon, bilik kitorang berjiran.

My room. Meja untuk makan dah jadi meja untuk laptop sebab takde makna aku nak baring je tak buat kerja
The first night, Dr Jamil from gastroenterology datang. He explained that I have bacteria in my urine and low red blood count. Scan showed inflamed ovaries blocking the view of my bladder. Jap... dalam BM - "ada bakteria dalam air kencing, kurang darah merah, ovari bengkak menyebabkan dia tak nampak pundi kencing dan tak boleh nak decide sama ada batu karang ke bukan batu karang." Jadi kena la buat test lagi sekali dan ada gynae akan datang untuk check about the ovaries.

10 February. Tim dan Nad datang melawat kat hospital. Dinie, who is also my Takaful agent (haha) datang melawat malam tu dan gave me some tips. Dr Norleen from OB/GYN datang check perut, tekan2 tapi tak rasa macam ada something wrong. But she still scheduled me for an appointment on Monday. Dr Jamil datang lagi dan kata aku kena CT scan sekali lagi.
***Katering datang hantar makanan dan menu untuk esok. I was like, cool, a menu. Otak kekonon nak makan apa aje yg ada, tapi tetibe rasa pretentious gila jaga kesihatan dan pilih makanan yang rendah kalori. Hipokrit nakmati.

11 Februari. Pagi tu ultrasound with Dr Norleen in the morning. Katanya cyst in my left ovary 7cm. Let me tell you something. Aku sangat tak suka pergi Gynae clinic as a single woman who is diagnosed with cyst. Pregnant people annoy me with their happiness. One girl was trying to chat with me, and all I could think of was "Oh my God, get away from me you happy woman!" (I was in pain, I was annoyed that I have to take a break from work walaupon aku ni seorang freelancer yg kais pagi makan pagi, aku rimas dengan branula kat tangan. Happy pregnant women are the most annoying thing I could ever see at that moment. I know she wants me to ask her about her pregnancy, but my evil mind was like, "No, I will not give you the satisfaction". It was really mean, I know. It was the painkiller, I tell you. It makes me an evil person (alasan)).

Dr Norleen tanya nak balik rumah bincang dengan family dulu ke nak surgery terus. Bincang? For what? Surgery terus! scheduled for me to have a pelvic CT scan with another doctor. Dr. Thanee, at 12pm. He checked. It was 10cm. And then he laughed about it, so I laughed about it, and feel okay again. I mean, I guess that's all I needed at the time. Someone to make a joke about it. He asked me nak surgery esok ke lusa. Aku nak esoknya, tapi OT penuh, so dapatla Rabu. I was not happy, because it means that I have to stay one more day. He asked nak laparoscopy ke laparatomy. Laparascopic cystectomy bermaksud dia akan tebuk empat lubang around my stomach, dua bahagian untuk masukkan the knifey thingy amendetah (makcik bukan doktor, tak kuasa nak explain), dan untuk masukkan kamera. They will pump in gas, he will cut the cyst sikit for biopsy, and selebihnya dia akan pecahkan, siat keluar daripada ovary, clean everything up, jahit balik, masukkan the remaining cyst inside a plastic and keluarkan. It would take shorter time to heal, boleh keluar hospital in one to two days, but it would cost dalam RM23-25k.


Below is a whole video of how a laparoscopy is done if you're that sort of people - like me - who likes to torture themselves.



Laparotomy is... well, belah perut, keluarkan cyst. The healing time would take a lot, like maybe two weeks more of ward time, dan a month of recovery. But it costs less. Dalam RM10k.

Adakah aku yang kena risaukan berapa harganya sedangkan aku dah beberapa tahun terseksa bayar insuran? Of course not. I let Takaful Ikhlas deal with that. So I said yes, a thousand times yes, to laparoscopy. The only people I would let cut my stomach would be a) a doctor getting a baby out or b) Nikolaj Coster-Waldau as Jaime Lannister slashing my belly with a sword. I would die for Nikolaj Coster-Waldau. I don't mind.

Tim datang melawat lagi lepas habis waktu sekolah. That's how I know I have the best of friends.

Puasa sampai pukul 3 sebab kena buat CT scan lagi sekali. A special one at that - 3D scan yang lebih jelas. This time, kena minum setengah jag oral contrast. Anggapkan oral contrast ni macam sejenis "water colour" untuk warnakan organ2 kau supaya bila doktor tengok, diorang boleh nampak ketidaknormalan isi dalam kau dengan lebih jelas.

Apa rasa oral contrast? Macam lemon-infused water. Satu cawan is fine, tapi setengah jag tu macam satu seksaan. 30 minutes later, masuk bilik for CT scan, diorang shoot lagi oral contrast ke dalam branula (which made my arm all numb and cold). Lepas tu, halfway through the scan, masuk lagi ubat lain plak dalam branula, This time it stings! Dah tu nurse pulak tetiba kata, "Nanti badan akan rasa panas tau. Jangan panik tau."

Hakak, kalau taknak saya panik, janganlah sebut perkataan panik...

Ubat yang masuk kali kedua tu memang buat bahagian dalam badan kau rasa panas, seolah2 organ2 kau dipanaskan dalam microwave. Tgh scan tetiba rasa nak terkencing sangat. Adalah sesungguhnya perasaan nak terkencing while kau atas mesin CT scan itu adalah seksaan sesungguhnya.
Balik ke bilik, bilik penuh dengan sedara mara. Ahahaha. With my grandma, and my paklong and maklong, and makkak, Liliee and her three kiddoes (my beloved nephews Uwais and Uqail and lovely niece Layla). Diorang tengok aku balik ke bilik dengan muka relax, sume cam konpius, "Ni sakit ke tak ni?"

These two weirdos are the light of my life. Masa tu memang tak sakit, sebab berapa tan painkiller pulak diorang dah bagi aku. Pills, shots. It was like a rave party in muh body............ that sounds terrible.

Dr Jamil datang sekali lagi, confirmkan yang aku akan undergo surgery Rabu under gynae. Dia kata dia akan confirm balik sama ada aku ada batu karang ke tak. I said "Okey!" dengan penuh riang, and he was like... mengapakah perempuan ini terlalu riang ria nak surgery?

Oh, and my sister was taking care of me the whole time (I mean when she was not at work), even berkampung kat hospital. Partly sebab aku meyakinkan dia yang it would be more peaceful to sleep at the hospital daripada dia duduk rumah menghadap pergaduhan harian mak bapak aku ahahahaha. Kat hospital boleh mandi air panas and boleh pergi beli ice blended coffee kat Gloria Jeans bebila aje nak, atau jalan kaki pergi menyeberang ke Vista Alam untuk makan Cibiuk atau mee goreng mamak. She was influenced. Heck, kalau aku pun aku akan pilih untuk jaga aku daripada duduk rumah. Ahaha.

To be continued....

Humour is my Lestrange Vault

(Written while still waiting outside on my own for the doctors to make a decision about dad.) 
29 November. It's 4.28pm. We've been here since 7.45am. It was supposed to be a short appointment with the nephrologist.  But he noticed the blood in my dad's urine (ayah has been wearing a cath since he was discharged from the hospital in Shah Alam last week), and asked us to go to the ER.  
It was only a few months ago that my dad was happy as a clam, climbing the tall mangosteen tree at age 70 like the monkey man that he is.  Then boom.  He got ill, wouldn't eat,  found infection in his blood and now here we are. 
I make jokes all the time.  I joke about how annoying he is at taking his pills, I joke about his memory that has been deteriorating since he got ill,  I joke about how mum pesters me too much.  I even made a joke with him about the colour of his urine,  that sometimes it looks like lemonade,  sometimes like fresh orange,  sometimes watermelon. 
Today,  it's the colour of Pepsi.
But the jokes,  they're the jar that kept the key in.  Because if I let the key out and unlock the drawer inside my mind,  everything will flood out and multiply.  You remember in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows when the trio tried to get the Helga Hufflepuff's Cup from Bellatrix Lestrange's vault and Hermione accidentally knocked over a gold bangle in there and it multiplied? One by two,  two by four,  four by eight? Those are the things that I kept locked inside, worried that it would fall down on the floor and multiply. 
Humour is all I have. Humour is my biggest asset.  Thinking about what race your doctor is (who looks like a Filipino actor but has a name that sounded Thai) while he copies your dad's medical history kinda make it less overwhelming for me. Finding humour in the fact that the ER has six odd situations (let me get to that later) makes the migraine that I felt from standing so long inside a packed room of doctors and nurses and patients less unbearable.
The truth is, negativity overwhelms. The past six months have been overwhelming. This year should have been THE year, you know. Turkey was supposed to be the beginning of an awesome year. I was supposed to make a writing comeback, we're gonna go do our umrah, I was gonna make more money to repair my mum's kitchen, it would all be dandy. But it went downhill from there. I lost one third of my secured freelance job because of the "advent of technology". My siblings were faced with illnesses and financial woes. My mum added hypertension to her diabetes, then my cat got hit by a car and nearly lost his ability to walk. Then my dad suddenly got ill, lost his appetite, and now we're here.
Through it all, humour was my source of solace, though sometimes people thought that my jokes were just me being whiny about my dad's illness. I did an online questionaire about depression and was diagnosed mildly depressed, which is mildly depressing. Haha. 
All my life, I wanted nothing more than to satisfy. Not mediocrity, just satisfaction (that's another discussion). Not to be the number one writer in Malaysia, just to be satisfied when people send me messages about how my book cheered them up in times of trouble. Not to be the richest person in the world, just to be able to satisfy my family's needs. Not to be best most pious person in the world, just enough to satisfy God and win His love. To be satisfied, is to be jack of all trades, master of none.
But it's hard. It's getting harder, still. Sometimes, I couldn't help but ask, Why is that person always gets everything so easily and yet always whining about things, when it has always been hard for me - I got into SMKAKS in my third try. I got into IIUM without anyone's help. I worked my hardest to earn my lecturer's attention only to get it in my fourth year after taking five courses with him... when nobody could stand even one (yes, I know. I have a thing for melting ice). I was rejected by Alaf 21, and climbed my way back to it. I was turned down by one employer after another until Cinema Online accepted me (which is why I would always defend Chinese and Indian companies when being confronted by people calling them racist. Because THEY were the first ones who saw me for what I can be). A failed business broke me, but I scratched my way back. And the fall feels more painful each time, but the climb makes it more exhilarating.
In the words of my best friend Mun, this is usually the part in a romantic movie where the protagonist would book a flight and leave everything behind. Maybe go to Turkey again, find love and happiness under the Cappadocia sky. But in reality, life is more like a horror movie - you know your house is haunted and the ghosts are trying to kill you, and yet you couldn't leave because of the mortgage.
But then again, maybe to those living with hardship, I am that whiny bish.
(finally warded at 7.15pm)

Ramblings of a Woman Who Finds Herself on a Sudden Break From Work

2017 bakal menutup tirai (bakal menutup tirai? Ini essay Bahasa Melayu tahun 1999 ke?), dan aku tak rasa aku buat apa-apa yang hebat tahun ni. Sure, aku keluarkan dua buah novel, but pfft, who doesn't?

But still, 2017 adalah tahun yang sangat bermakna dalam hidup aku, kerana ada dua ulangtahun yang disambut tahun ni.

1. The tenth anniversary of me working with Cinema Online
2. The tenth anniversary of SOALNYA HATI, my first novel ever.

Aku tak tahu nak cerita apa sebenarnya. Tapi hari ni aku diberi cuti secara willy-nilly oleh editor aku (sebab dia cuti), so aku pun just turn to the blog yang dah bersawang ni. Aku boleh je gunakan masa tu unuk tulis novel, tapi hakikatnya sekarang ni aku memang tak ada mood langsung nak tulis novel. Tahukah anda aku ada lima manuskrip baru, currently in the works? Yes. Lima. L-I-M-A, which is also the capital of Peru.

(you should know by now that this is the kind of blog-writing with no direction at all. I could be talking about the anniversaries of the two things I just mentioned, or it could just be a rambling  about nothing in particular)

I always think I'm this when I write But I am actually this Mari aku ceritakan apa lima manuskrip yang tak siap-siap tu. Pertama, tajuk dia "Si Skema vs. Puan Sabi". Adakah bunyinya idiotic and uninteresting? I bet it is. It sounds awful. But during the process of writing a novel, aku akan letak je apa2 tajuk asalkan aku paham apa bendanya yang aku tengah tulis. Kalau aku letak tajuk "Semerah Darah Cinta" or poetic things like that, nanti esok lusa aku lupa apa benda yang aku tulis. It won't be the final choice of a title though, because I hate it. 
Secondly, sebuah novel bertajuk "Facebook Friend". Ahahahahahahaha. Satu lagi tajuk mengong yang tak melambangkan apa-apa melainkan apa yang perlu aku tahu. It revolves around a divorced couple. I have written four chapters worth, but I kinda hate it at this point.

Thirdly, a project called "Nat", or maybe "Alan", or maybe "That English-Language Project Shai left Halfway Because She Thinks She Needs To Take Literature Classes Before She Can Continue and Boy oh Boy She Should Have Taken ENGLISH LIT When She Was in IIUM Because Seriously...."

Fourth, an anthology called "Night Terrors" yang aku hentikan halfway sebab halfway through I was like, "Who is going to publish an English horror anthology in Malaysia from a writer known for women's journey of self-discovery?"

Fifth, "Bekas Isteri Mr. Darcy". Yet again, a God-awful title banking on the Pride and Prejudice Train. But it's not. Really. It's just a commentary about how people keep wanting their protagonist's love interest to be this wealthy gentleman when truthfully there aren't a lot of wealthy gentlemen in the world. Aku dah tulis separuh, but then again, like always, I fell into the deep ocean of busyness and self-loathing, where I ask questions to meself like, "Do people even care to educate themselves?", "Who are you to think you're good enough to educate people?", "Shai is full of herself again, she needs to go and take a walk at midnight and realise she's just a dust in this universe filled with stars.", "am I a writer? or just an opinionated asshole who luckily gets a platform to be an asshole?"


Oh, by the way, I recently read a comment online about AWAK SUNGGUH PERFECT, where the commenter said that it isn't one of my best work since it's quite dramatic. She said that the way you know how dramatic a book is is when there are airport scenes, and ASP has a lot of it.

Yes, there was Lokman going to UK for the first time and him asking Kat to wait for him.
Then there's Atie leaving Malaysia after her pregnancy.
Also, there's Atie again, going back to the UK to find her kid.
There IS a lot of airport scenes.

So, I told my friend about the comment, and she asked me, "Kau kecik hati ke dengan komen tu?", and I'm like, "What? No! Aku cuma rasa ralat sebab aku tak pernah terfikir pun pasal the whole thing about dramas and airports!"

It was a genius observation, and I am unhappy that I wasn't the one who came up with that. That is sooo true. Why is it that every time ada klimaks to a story, mesti ada karakter yang nak membawa diri ke luar negara? That is soooo cliche! And I am part of that cliche! Damn it, I should have realised that!

Kudos to the commenter!

Hmmm... I think cukuplah ramblings ni. I will now immerse myself in kuaci-eating self-loathing session.

THE SELF-OBSESSED TRIVIA: Things you should know about...

Macam dah lama tak buat trivia ni kan? Haha. For the rest, you can just Google the word THE SELF-OBSESSED TRIVIA (and nama buku), and you can find all trivias about my previous books.

1. Tajuk asal yang aku bagi pada editor was "SAYANG KAT", which is a play on the word "Kat" since Khadijah was called Kat and she love cats. It is also the last thing she would always write in her emails and letters to Lokman.

Selain SAYANG KAT, aku bagi sembilan lagi tajuk lain, including AWAK SUNGGUH PURR-FECT, yang ada kaitan dengan bahagian akhir cerita. Tapi SAYANG KAT tak diterima editor (I think probably because ada novel lain bertajuk SAYANGKU COMBI... sila jangan tanya apa kaitannya... ahahah). Pilihan AWAK SUNGGUH PERFECT tu dibuat oleh editor, tapi PURRfect jadi PERFECT sebab editor kata "Purr-fact" is not proper english. Dulu aku rajinlah nak defend tajuk and negotiate dengan editor. Sekarang ni zaman ai malas.
So in case anda ada soalan mengenai "Apa signifikannya Awak Sungguh Perfect dengan jalan cerita....", inilah penjelasannya.

2. Kisah Faiz sebenarnya inspired by this one kid I knew in school (darjah dua kot... aku pun tak ingat). His name is Faiz, dan mak dia dah tak ada. Aku bukan daripada keluarga yang kaya dan sempurna, tapi aku ada mak dan ayah, so at that tender age, he was the first person I met in my life who lost a parent.
At eight, I learned for the first time that death and loss can happen any time to anybody, even to a kid. Aku dah tak ingat lagi rupa dia, but he sat behind me in school. One day, he brought his baby sister to school, and showed her my nails (sebab aku pakai inai at the time) and adiknya sangat takjub tengok inai. That was the only memory I had of him.

3. Semua nama kucing dalam AWAK SUNGGUH PERFECT adalah nama kucing yang aku pernah bela:
i. Chippy, my first cat ever (cuma the real Chippy berwarna kelabu).
ii. Maria Clara is this white kitty yang berbulu lebat with a tinge of grey on her face and tails, aku bela zaman belajar U. Aku namakan dia not based on Jose Rizal's "Noli Me Tangere", but based on the name of character daripada telenovela bodoh bertajuk "Secreto de Amor. Don't get me wrong, I hate that telenovela, but I think the lady who plays Maria Clara is so pretty. And the cat was so pretty to me, like a Maria Clara. But one day, kakak aku hantar mesej kata Maria Clara mati kena serang anjing liar.
Mugabe, A'a, Kimon, in memoryiii. Seru adalah kucing yang adik aku paling sayang dan reason nama dia Seru sama dengan reason yang diberi dalam novel. It went missing.
iv. Kabu dan Koyon sebenarnya adalah dua kucing berbeza. Kabu is this cat yang aku bela in my last year of studies. I loved him so much, but dia mati kena langgar kereta back in 2008. I actually cried and couldn't help myself. I went to work and to the editorial weekly meeting with my eyes all red and bengkak, I think my boss might have thought I had a breakup or something. Koyon was actually this one cat spesis Burmilla yang tiba-tiba muncul depan rumah kitorang. Masa tu kucing aku Phibun baru seminggu mati, and I was deeply affected by it because I wasn't home when he breathed his last. It was as if this cat knew, and he decided to come into our life for a bit. I mean, after a year, he decided not to stay anymore, as if he knew I was okay. You may think I might a bit romantic about the cats in my life, and you think right.
v. Phibun . Just like Kabu, his death really affected me because he's the first cat that was with me all the time (I was home every day sebab aku dah start kerja). He had jaundice sebab dia suka minum air kotor. And the day he died was the same day my best friend got engaged, so I was at her house and couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't even show how upset I was because I didn't want to ruin her happy day. Balik daripada majlis, I realised that nobody actually buried Phibun because he was still inside this plastic bag. In anger, aku amik cangkul dan korek tanah then and there in the rain walaupun my dad halang. I buried him in the rain. That sounds really tragic, yes.
vi. Other cats named in the book belongs to someone or was in my life one way or another. Mika is my neighbour's cat, Blue the stray cat, Wu Ming, Gadang, Ghali, all of em were part of my life in the past.
I wanted to promote ASP by taking my cats Mugabe, A'a, and Kimon everywhere with me, since I was inspired to write a book about cats because of them. But in the course of that two years buku tu dalam editing process, Mugabe died of FIP, while A'a and Kimon went missing.

4. I didn't intend for Atirah to be a pseudo-model. I didn't want to give in to the cliche since most of my model friends (what la 'most model friends. There are only two of them!) are really nice people. I didn't know how it happened. Aku rasa, memang betulla kata Stephen King, that a writer is no 'God', but just a 'secretary' who is reporting on what she sees. Somehow, as the story progresses, I see her getting taller, slender, and beautiful. She was never a pretty girl in school because of her height and now her height suddenly becomes something of a power for her. And suddenly the story happened by itself.

5. I have no similarity to Khadijah except for my love of cats. I have low tolerance on mean people and I don't see myself waiting for a man that long. Haha.

6. Karakter Nurin is based on my junior yang bernama Nurin. Actually, aku nak guna nama Nurin tu daripada time tulis cerita Wulan dalam 3 Hati lagi, tapi aku terlampau suka nama Wulan, aku takleh tunggu sampai novel lain. Ahahahahahahaha.


7. "Successful Story of  A Bright Girl" adalah 'drama pengenalan', the first Korean drama that I watched. Ever. Orang asik rekemen kat aku cerita WINTER SONATA, tapi lepas lima minit pergerakan yang sangat slow dan melancholy yang berlebihan, aku cam.... noppppe. Why are you trying to make me watch sad things? But at the time, kalau kau tak tengok drama Korea, kau macam tak cool, so aku start dgn SSABG. Sebab tu dalam ASP, Khadijah tengok cerita tu. And sebab tu jugak sampai sekarang aku ada soft spot for Jang Nara and Jang Hyuk, even though aku dah tak berapa layan cerita Korea.
(trivia: aku berjaya mempengaruhi roommate aku si Iza (Mahallah Halimah, represent!) untuk tengok SSABG, dia tengok all 13 episodes in a matter of two days.)


8. I partly wrote this book because I actually spent a lot of time watching cat's behaviour. I am not saying I am an expert. no. What I mean to say is I spent a lot of time watching cat's behaviour because I spend more time with cats than with human what with me working freelance from home.

9.  Aku rasa aku manusia pertama yang dedicate novel kepada vets. Ahahaha. But that is because vets played a huge role in my life. Dr Shida from Klinik Haiwan Seksyen 6 rajin tolong lekatkan poster untuk aku bila kucing aku hilang, dan selalu bagi kucing aku benda free, cam loceng for collar atau bola loceng, atau kira sapsapsoi je. Dr Zul's team (or that guy you would recognise from NASI LEMAK KOPI O) gave me a quick feedback when I asked for their help in notifying me if a good samaritan somehow found my cat and sent him to their clinic.

10.Hurayrah in Khadijah Hurayrah's name bermaksud kucing (or anak kucing), bersempena nama sahabat nabi, Abu Hurairah, who was called Abu Hurairah BECAUSE he loved cats so much. I think his real name was Abdul Rahman or something.

11. REMINISCING ABOUT THE '90s
If you read it from start to finish, you will realise I wrote a lot of early 90s and early noughties' things dalam ASP. Contohnya:


JEM adalah kartun favourite aku masa kecik-kecik dulu, and one of the most popular cartoons from my childhood. I wrote this book before that damnation of a movie came out. I also thought about making Khadijah watch SAVED BY THE BELL (because Zach Morris was everybody's crush), but lagu tema SBTB tak best macam JEM.


Ini adalah Mrs Pepperpot the cartoon.
"She’s a queen, an angel in the sky a lovely flower in her little world-and she can talk to the animals she is their friend they call her Mrs Spooooooon.." (see, aku ingat lagunya)


Dhaus dipanggil Ushida Uryuu sebab masa kat UIA, BLEACH adalah anime yang paling popular. I stopped after episod 70-something sebab banyak sangat karakter, aku dah konpius. Confusing characters is also the reason why I stop reading CONAN.

13. Yes, Khadijah bekerja di Digital Life, a company belonging to Zaniel (of PLAIN JANE, and AKU KELIRU). But this is not the first time aku masukkan karakter buku lama ke dalam buku baru. I have been doing it since day one:
- Mak Balkis ajak dia pergi kenduri kahwin Pyan and Zulaikha (SOALNYA HATI) in PLAIN JANE
- Safiah saw a girl in a wheelchair tengah bergaduh dengan seorang lelaki dekat dengan taman KLCC masa tunggu Helmi nak pergi PC Fair in AKU KAN NOVELIS. She was indeed, looking at Balkis and Zaniel from PLAIN JANE.
- Soraya bercakap tentang watak "Safiah" from "Aku Kan Novelis" dlam monolognya about Mariyyah in VALENTINA NERVOSA
- Soraya yang Bee mention dalam KAMPUS as one of the lecturers yang ajak dia shopping adalah the same SORAYA in VALENTINA NERVOSA, who sometimes chat with her lecturer friend "Rabi".
Ada banyak lagi, but I can't remember them all.

14. AWAK SUNGGUH PERFECT is the reverse-version of SOALNYA HATI when it comes to the idea of betraying one's friendship. in SH, it was Zulaikha, the protagonist, who betrayed her friend.


15. Khadijah, Atirah dan Lokman belajar di SMKAX, or SMAX, the same haunted school of which the events of my teen horror series, SEKOLAH BANYAK PENUNGGU ditempatkan. Aku ada terfikir nak buat scene Khadijah nampak hantu dan diselamatkan Lokman, but was like, "Mehhhh..."

Untuk pembelian, sila Whatsapp Abang Long di 019-2254910 (sertakan nama, alamat, kuantiti). Setiap pembelian disertai dengan button magnet/bottle opener free dan tandatangan penulis.

KAMPUS (and why it's quite weird to return to that story at 33)

Today, as I surfed the web ("surfed" the web, how '90s of me...), I realised that I have left this blog to die, like I did with my previous blog (I guess leaving things to die is my thing. Like, my rosemary garden, my kitchen cabinet project, my career as a novelist...).

So in the spirit of trying not to have my tombstone read "Here lies Nurul Syahida, that lazy biatch" (but then again, no Muslim has speeches on their tombstone), let's just try to get this thing alive again by sharing with you about my new book.

Why do you have a new book when you already have a book released last September, you ask? Beats me. I don't even know why. I just got a call, and there it is. New book.

RM27. How awkward it is, to put the price here!
Okay, so it's not exactly a full Nurul Syahida book. It's an anthology, or an omnibus, if you will (I am just using a different term because I am pretentious).

So how did this happen?

Back in January, while I decided not to write anything because I just don't have anything in my head or anything new to bring to the table, my editor sent me a message on Facebook asking me if I could spend some time writing a story, just an itsy bitsy teeny weeny one, for a project that they are trying. I asked what project. She said it's a love anthology revolving around  the life in a campus.

Yes, so I did make my debut with a campus story ten years ago (SOALNYA HATI, everyone?), but I was like, "You know, I am not in my early 20s anymore. I can't be doing cutesy love story like Zulaikha and Pyan and get away with it. It would be awkward. Can I do adult stuff?"
"How adult are we talking?"
"Adult like the age group, not the 50-Shades-of-Grey adult."
"Yeah, sure."

Okay, I lied, The above interaction never happened. In truth, my editor asked me for a quick story, I said yes because I am overconfident that way, then I got panicked two weeks in because... who am I kidding? I am bad at deadlines! Then I remembered my friend Rabi, who is a lecturer, so I was like, "Rabi, help me, pleaaaseeee..." and she was like, "Sure!", and I went back to my editor and was like, "Hey, I am going to write a story about a lecturer instead of a student. Cash me ousside, how bow dah?", and she was like, "Your calll, dude...", and I was like, "Mmmkay!"

and then I sat down in front of my laptop, two hands static on the keyboard, and me, going, "Shiiiizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."
Cuz, let's be real. I got nothing.

But anyway, as I was sitting around not doing anything because I got no idea, suddenly I remembered something Rabi said back when she just finished her studies and was waiting for the greenlight to come home to Malaysia. It was something about the university making a slip up concerning her ticket home, and she was stranded for a a while overseas. As she shared about how she was arguing on the phone with the person who was supposed to help purchase the ticket, an image of a woman starting to take shape in my mind, and a man, who pretended to listen on the other line while he was actually playing a game on his smartphone.

Then she told me about the time the university forgot to prepare her a room as she returns to work, and one scene over the other began to pour - a nosy mother, a laidback old friend, a room smeared with squirrel's blood, a table by the window with books all over the place.

Then I started to call her Bee, like the insect that never once stopped to smell the flowers.

And that's how the story began.

However, need I remind that this is not like 3 HATI where the stories are both related and unrelated. This time, it's just three writers, sharing three different stories about life in campus.

To order for now, you can either:
1. Whatsapp my agent Abang Long at 019-2254910 (bagi kuantiti buku, your name, address, phone number)
2. buy it online through Karangkraf Mall
3. Wait until Pesta Buku Selangor, which will be held at the SACC Convention Centre from 30 March to 9 April

Till then, nerds!

AWAK SUNGGUH PERFECT - the novel that caused it all...

Oh my God, guys. I am so sorry for forgetting about the blog. I had been busy with work (ada projek translation 30 episod yang telah menyebabkan aku tak bercuti raya dengan aman dan cam, "What? Dah September?"). As soon as I was able to take a breather, I was told that buku baru dah masuk (dan keluar) printer.

Soooo....


Panjang cerita kelahiran buku ni. Asalnya aku nak tarik balik sebab aku nak start projek baru dan aku tak nak ada something looming inside my mind. So I wrote my editor an email untuk officially take the manuscript back, but then Encik Ali email me back saying "permohonan awak untuk tarik balik ditolak."

I was like, What? How can you reject me taking back my manuscript???? But then I decided, o well, let's just see the editor to explain the situation, because he was of the idea that I was trying to send it to other publishers.

(here's the thing, sending my book to another publisher is never something that I had thought about. I would have done that ages ago when I was approached by some of the newer publishers during my PLAIN JANE years. the truth is, I am so comfortable with Karangkraf since I've started with them that changing my publisher is not ideal).

So I explain to him that I plan to stop writing for now sebab aku dah kehabisan idea (at least idea yang publishable. Idea yang merapu dan tak publishable memang banyak) dan the book industry is at its low sekarang since GST and kebanjiran novel dan publisher baru. I wanted my mss back sebab kalau tak dapat publish tahun ni, banyak yang I have to change since there are dates, songs based on those dates, dan event backdrop yang berkaitan the dates. I thought that if diorang taknak publish, then it's better that I take it back so that I can start anew with my project.

Ramai sangka aku merajuk, except my former AKU KAN NOVELIS editor Ecah, who totally understood where I was coming from. She was like, "Yelah, mestilah nak tarik balik kalau nak berhenti kan, supaya tak ada benda tu dalam fikiran". Oh my God, I thank You for Ecah.

So anyway, they decided to put my book in the schedule dan keluarkan tahun ni bulan Julai. And then somehow, tak jadi and delay sampai Oktober. Me being the pessimist who would think worse, decided untuk tak promote langsung before September, sebab aside from busy dengan kerja, I thought it would get delayed again. Tup-tup in early September ALAF keluar gamba kata dah print.

I was like, "What? But I haven't done anything!!!" and cecepat study camna nak guna photoshop (sebab akak yang dah tua ni dah malas nak belajar teknologi zaman sekarang).

So, for now, here's the details: the book is called AWAK SUNGGUH PERFECT, dan dipublish under banner ALAF 21 (kenapa? Sebab skrg Buku Prima fokus only on seram dan thriller.. or something like that). Untuk pembelian, mohon berikan maklumat seperti dibawah bagi urusan pos:
1. Nama Penuh.
2. Alamat Lengkap dan Poskod.
3. Nombor hp.
4. Nama yang mahu dicatitkan dalam buku.
Harga: RM27 + RM6 Kos POS LAJU.
Pembayaran melalui Maybank atas nama: Mohamad Feroz Bin Mohammad Zaini.
Nombor akaun - 112045101747.
Boleh kirimkan maklumat diatas samada melalui PM, sms atau whatsApp ke nombor 019 2254910 (Abang Long)

Setiap pembelian (for now) akan dapat:

sementara stok masih ada

Butterflies and Hurricanes

Today, I took back my manuscript from the publisher. And there had been speculations about why I did it. Some insinuated that I 'merajuk'. Some said that I got an offer from someplace else. Some even think that it has anything to do with royalty and publishing politics.

Sigh. People and speculations. 
So here's why.

I sent my manuscript on 11 April 2015. It was inspired by my (then still alive) cats, Mugabe, A'a, and Kimon (that's all I can say). In January 2016, I asked my editor about it, and he said that they have slotted in for April (as in for editing, not for release). April came and gone. By 11 May 2016, I asked him again, and then he told me.
There were some changes. Big changes. Not sure my manuscript will get to be released this year. So I asked him if I can take it back. He referred me to another editor. 
The second editor asked me why, and if I didn't want to write with Buku Prima again. I said that wasn't the case at all. It wasn't about money, about who gets what slot, merajuk and all that. Okay, so partly it is about the money, since I am 33. Let's be real. I am not writing for the fun of it. I write so I can eat and pay my bills. If I die today, I have nothing except for some cash in the bank, THAT's how dirt poor I am. So, it would be hypocritical for me to say that I am writing for the love of it. That shit ain't real. Girl gotta live.
Glad that's over with (I just get sick and tired with people trying to beautify the reality of life as a writer with words such as 'dream', 'passion', 'money don't matter' bladibla.... yeah, if you're 20. Try being a single woman at 33 working freelance. You got no time for that fable anymore).
Anyway. If you read my blog dated February, you would have already knew that I am burnt out as a writer. (Read the rest of the post because I am done talking about it and explaining it). It felt like I am doing the same thing over and over again. And I am Nurul Syahida. I don't do the same things over and over again. I used to quit my job with no plan at all. I invest in a business that goes nowhere, and then got entangled in a long court battle. That's how I roll (or Roul, if you catch my drift). I took a leap of faith, and more often than not, I failed. But failure, as much as success, is intoxicating. It even gets me closer to the Maker. 
But right now, I am at a point of my life that I am neither successful nor failed. I am at a static place, a place of comfort, where dreams die and passion goes to hell. I used to think at 30 I will migrate to Australia, selling karipap or kites at the beach. Living life. But where I am right now? At home, doing God knows what.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have what people called 'the writer's dream'. I don't dream of having my book on the bestseller's list for the rest of eternity. I don't dream of seeing it on the big screen (or the small screen for that matter). I don't dream about socialising with celebrities, becoming popular, becoming stinking rich that I can own my own island. My dream is simple. My dream is to become better. Better doesn't come with wealth and fame (having enough money to die and not worry about the family is enough). Better comes with growth.
When my editor told me about the big change in the company, I took it as a sign. The industry is at its balanced best/worst situation, people are getting skeptical about books, I keep on defending writers and books from naysayers than actually writing. I am already burned out from writing the same old thing. And here's my editor, telling me in a nutshell that the sales of my previous books are not putting me in the VIP section. I am a pariah, waiting for some accident in the schedules for my book to squeeze into. 
These are all signs. These are all reasons for me to try that leap of faith again. To do the things I always wanted to do but too afraid to do it for fear of losing what I already have. Now that I am losing what I already have, I have become scared. But it's a good scared. It's crazy "Shai is doing things with no Plan B" scared.

In short, I just want 60 year-old me (if I was still alive, that is. God knows who is holding the red button to the nuclear bombs right now, or if I am even alive next month) to know that I've tried. I want her to know that I took that leap, and that at the age of 60 (or 70 or whatever), I knew that the younger me didn't waste her time living in a comfort zone. That she tried. Succeeding or failing are not the measure here, but the mere fact that she wanted something and she tried getting it.
I owe that much to myself. 
So, what 'leap of faith' am I talking about? Pfft, like I'm gonna tell you that.

And for that manuscript, I don't know. I am still thinking about it. I may do some editing to suit the dates (it was written with the idea that everything ended in 2015 because it was the date I sent it, but now I have to change everything. And I mean everything!). I may publish it into a book, or I may just publish the content into my blog. I can't be selfish. I have readers, even if there isn't a lot of them.
But right now, I am high on that leaping energy. I am gonna go berserk for the rest of the year (questioning why am I doing this stupid crazy thing when I have something good going on, hitting my head on the table going "This is shit! This is shit!", and lie on the floor thinking about the purpose of life... oh yes, I am expecting all those things), but right now, that's all I want.  The randomness.


I am Frogger, the scaredy-cat amphibian who jumps across the busy street. 

Caring too much emotionally, and couldn't care less physically. Otherwise known as emotional laziness.

I think I am having a middle-age crisis at 32 (going on 33 in a month. Yay!).

So if you're having that crisis at age 32, can you call it middle-age crisis? Or should it have its own name? Like, semi-middle age crisis, or post-20s crisis, or stupid-shit-women-in-their-30s-have-after-annoying-people-with-their-problem-when-they-were-in-their-20s?

Or should I just call it "The Inexplicable Syndrome of Annoyance Exclusively Facing Nurul Syahida Kamarudin and The People Who Think Like Her"?

Here are my symptoms:
1. Being annoyed with the situation of the situation around her but not being able to say anything about it because the situation involves people who may be her friends and/or colleagues.
2. Being annoyed by the helplessness of her aforementioned situation and yet doesn't even have any desire to change it.
3. Annoyed with her apparent laziness in trying to make any effort to change a thing she hopes can change, and being all, "Why should I change it? Why can't I just express my annoyance with it and let other people do something about it instead?"
4. Wanting to make an effort to save herself from the quicksand that is slowly engulfing her soul, and at the same time just wanting someone to come save her because she is sick of saving herself.
5. Hating the thought of being the kind of woman she hates, when she said she wants to be saved.
6. Understanding that her actual issue stems from the fact that she cares too much both emotionally and mentally, and yet couldn't care less physically. Like for example, "I care about my friend A and I would like to talk to her sometimes. And yet, I am too lazy to pick up the phone."
7. Bored by the status-quo and yet not interested to move forward.

I think the root of this issue is the fact that I am not able to express the anger I have with it publicly, to say what I really want to say. I think that's the same issue some politicians have. They may start wide-eyed and ambitious, looking at the system through the lens of justice, and then finding themselves slowly being dragged into the dirt by other politicians, who, ironically, started off as a wide-eyed ambitious person who wants to do good in the world as well.

Like a faeces-infested circle of life.

It's the feeling of being trapped inside this stupidity, the kind of stupidity where you just kinda point at it while talking to your friend and asked them "Can't you see how stupid this is?" and your friend said, "Not that I can see", and you're like, "Oh my God this is so stupid. I can't express it with direct words and yet nobody seemed to understand metaphors, so how am I supposed to do this?", and finally realising that I can't get away from it unless I break free, and yet I am too lazy to do it.

Is this because I am Malay? Or because I am an introvert? Or because I was never wired to be a person who can uphold social justice? Or is it just because I am just too lazy?

I think it's the last one.