Tracey Alley's Blog - Posts Tagged "relationships"
There's a reason 1 in 2 marriages fail.
I'm onto my second marriage. That's not a situation I ever thought I would be in when I was younger and much more naive. I honestly believed, as a teenager, that if you were 'in love' that was all that mattered and that, like Cinderella, you'd live happily ever after. I found to my great shame and enormous hurt that it doesn't quite work that way.
I was fairly young when I first married, only 19 and my husband was only 18 but we were convinced we were in love. We'd only been dating for about 5 months and were crazy about each other. The fact was though that we didn't really know each other. We were both caught up in a whirlwind of lust, charm and the idea of being in love. I didn't really know him as a person any more than he knew me but we did get to know each other - oh boy did we get to know each other.
There's something about living in the same house and the mundane routine of life that breaks through the rose coloured glasses of puppy love. When you have to clean the house and pick up his dirty socks somehow his kisses don't tingle quite so much any more. Especially when you find that you don't really have all that much to say to each other.
I'll never deny that my first husband and I were deeply in lust with each other. I thought he was the best looking guy I'd ever seen and we had a lot of sexual chemistry. Now that I'm a little bit older I've realised that sexual chemistry is pretty easy to manufacture but it doesn't equate to real love.
To be completely honest though if I had the chance to do it all over again I probably would. I learned more lessons about relationships from that bad experience than from all the good experiences I'd had then or since combined. The number one lesson I learned, which I wish I could've learned another way, was that for a marriage to really work you have to first of all be best friends.
My current husband, Robbie, and I haven't been married all that long so I can't point to us as a shining example yet but I know in my heart it's a forever thing just because of how close we are as friends. I'd never want to lose his friendship, any more than he would want to lose mine.
We have a connection that's based on similar interests, mutual respect and yes, there's a lot of lust, charm and sexual chemistry too and I think he's the best looking guy I've ever seen :)
Primarily though, we've been through a lot of testing times in our marriage as well as the mundane of day to day living yet I still long for him to come home at night. I look forward to telling him about my day and hearing about his and just spending time in his presence.
Sometimes I feel guilty when I have to work nights on my writing but Robbie always reassures me that just having me in the same house is enough for him. I don't mind doing his laundry and picking up his dirty socks because his kisses do still tingle and because he's my mate.
It may have taken me 30 years of living but at least I did finally learn that the old adage is true. Marry your best friend and you'll be married for life. Relationships are hard and you'll always have to work at them but when you have that real friend connection you'll find that it generally comes pretty easily.
I'm not trying to sound preachy. I just wanted to share my experiences with love and happily ever after.
Cheers from a 41 year old Cinderella,
Trace :)
I was fairly young when I first married, only 19 and my husband was only 18 but we were convinced we were in love. We'd only been dating for about 5 months and were crazy about each other. The fact was though that we didn't really know each other. We were both caught up in a whirlwind of lust, charm and the idea of being in love. I didn't really know him as a person any more than he knew me but we did get to know each other - oh boy did we get to know each other.
There's something about living in the same house and the mundane routine of life that breaks through the rose coloured glasses of puppy love. When you have to clean the house and pick up his dirty socks somehow his kisses don't tingle quite so much any more. Especially when you find that you don't really have all that much to say to each other.
I'll never deny that my first husband and I were deeply in lust with each other. I thought he was the best looking guy I'd ever seen and we had a lot of sexual chemistry. Now that I'm a little bit older I've realised that sexual chemistry is pretty easy to manufacture but it doesn't equate to real love.
To be completely honest though if I had the chance to do it all over again I probably would. I learned more lessons about relationships from that bad experience than from all the good experiences I'd had then or since combined. The number one lesson I learned, which I wish I could've learned another way, was that for a marriage to really work you have to first of all be best friends.
My current husband, Robbie, and I haven't been married all that long so I can't point to us as a shining example yet but I know in my heart it's a forever thing just because of how close we are as friends. I'd never want to lose his friendship, any more than he would want to lose mine.
We have a connection that's based on similar interests, mutual respect and yes, there's a lot of lust, charm and sexual chemistry too and I think he's the best looking guy I've ever seen :)
Primarily though, we've been through a lot of testing times in our marriage as well as the mundane of day to day living yet I still long for him to come home at night. I look forward to telling him about my day and hearing about his and just spending time in his presence.
Sometimes I feel guilty when I have to work nights on my writing but Robbie always reassures me that just having me in the same house is enough for him. I don't mind doing his laundry and picking up his dirty socks because his kisses do still tingle and because he's my mate.
It may have taken me 30 years of living but at least I did finally learn that the old adage is true. Marry your best friend and you'll be married for life. Relationships are hard and you'll always have to work at them but when you have that real friend connection you'll find that it generally comes pretty easily.
I'm not trying to sound preachy. I just wanted to share my experiences with love and happily ever after.
Cheers from a 41 year old Cinderella,
Trace :)
I can't dance....
Well actually I can dance, quite well I've been told, but I woke up with that Genesis song in my head and as it relates to what I want to chat about I thought I'd leave that as the title. [man I'm long winded sometimes lol] Anyway to get to the point. For as long as I can remember I've wanted to learn how to play the drums. We were very poor growing up though so it had to remain nothing more than a longing while I was younger.
Then I started working when I was 12, baby sitting and taking in ironing from the local working women in the neighborhood. Between school and work there was no time and that's the way it stood for many, many years. First I was working two jobs, then when Mum got sick I quit my night job to take care of her and looked after her for over fifteen years until she died. So no time there to even think about lessons or buying a drum kit to even play on.
Then my niece J bought that game Guitar Hero or something but the one that also came with a drum set. Bam I thinks to myself - this is my chance to show everyone what a kick a@@ drummer I could be.
Instead - oh the shame. The bitter humiliation. The huge dent in my somewhat overlarge ego ;) I couldn't play. Could not hit a single note. I even scored lower than my then 5 year old niece Britney.
I couldn't believe it. I loved music. I truly believed I had 'rhythm in my soul' and just needed the chance to prove it. Instead it turns out, not so much. In fact lousy. And of course all my family & friends are laughing their @ss off because I'd been bragging for years about how great I would be if given the chance. I was a little red faced to say the least.
So what's the point? Well, nothing really except that life is a journey meant to be enjoyed. You might not always be any good at that one thing you think you would be excellent at if given a chance, like me. Or maybe something else, a little more serious than a game, will knock you down a bit. You have to learn how to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again, as my dear Mother used to say.
Life is too short not to try out the things you'd like to do, whether you succeed or fail. So if there's something you've been wanting to do or try, no matter what it might be, give it a try, make it happen and see how it turns out. Most of all though remember it's the relationships we form while we walk this road that are really important. Besides forming lasting relationships with people, be they relative, friend or lover, the only other really critical part of living is your contribution to the world.
Try every day to make the world a better place, even if all you do is smile at the cashier in the supermarket and wish him/her a good day. As they say in the Buddhist tradition 'walk softly and leave no footprints'. I also add making time to spoil yourself a little every day, even if it's only a quiet cuppa by yourself or with family or friends, or perhaps just a bubble bath or a long, hot shower. Just make sure you're being at least as good to yourself as you are to others.
Live long & prosper :)
Cheers,
Trace
Then I started working when I was 12, baby sitting and taking in ironing from the local working women in the neighborhood. Between school and work there was no time and that's the way it stood for many, many years. First I was working two jobs, then when Mum got sick I quit my night job to take care of her and looked after her for over fifteen years until she died. So no time there to even think about lessons or buying a drum kit to even play on.
Then my niece J bought that game Guitar Hero or something but the one that also came with a drum set. Bam I thinks to myself - this is my chance to show everyone what a kick a@@ drummer I could be.
Instead - oh the shame. The bitter humiliation. The huge dent in my somewhat overlarge ego ;) I couldn't play. Could not hit a single note. I even scored lower than my then 5 year old niece Britney.
I couldn't believe it. I loved music. I truly believed I had 'rhythm in my soul' and just needed the chance to prove it. Instead it turns out, not so much. In fact lousy. And of course all my family & friends are laughing their @ss off because I'd been bragging for years about how great I would be if given the chance. I was a little red faced to say the least.
So what's the point? Well, nothing really except that life is a journey meant to be enjoyed. You might not always be any good at that one thing you think you would be excellent at if given a chance, like me. Or maybe something else, a little more serious than a game, will knock you down a bit. You have to learn how to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again, as my dear Mother used to say.
Life is too short not to try out the things you'd like to do, whether you succeed or fail. So if there's something you've been wanting to do or try, no matter what it might be, give it a try, make it happen and see how it turns out. Most of all though remember it's the relationships we form while we walk this road that are really important. Besides forming lasting relationships with people, be they relative, friend or lover, the only other really critical part of living is your contribution to the world.
Try every day to make the world a better place, even if all you do is smile at the cashier in the supermarket and wish him/her a good day. As they say in the Buddhist tradition 'walk softly and leave no footprints'. I also add making time to spoil yourself a little every day, even if it's only a quiet cuppa by yourself or with family or friends, or perhaps just a bubble bath or a long, hot shower. Just make sure you're being at least as good to yourself as you are to others.
Live long & prosper :)
Cheers,
Trace
Don't Sweat The Small Stuff... & It's All Small Stuff
You've probably all heard that expression before. Perhaps many of you will have even read the book Don't Sweat the Small Stuff ... and it's all small stuff: Simple Ways to Keep the Little Things from Taking Over Your Life although I must confess that I haven't yet gotten around to reading it myself. Still I do hold to the general principles.
Life is a journey filled with many twists, turns and crossroads. If you allow it then almost any point in your life can be construed as 'do or die'. For example two of my nieces have just sat for their QCS exam [essentially a Uni placement examination that determines their 'ranking']. This exam is seen by many as a 'do or die' moment. Almost as if their entire future depends on the outcome of this one test.
The truth is, however, for all these 17/18 year olds this exam is just one of the twists of life's winding road. Yes, their mark will determine what University offers they are ultimately presented with, but it's not the end of the world if they don't get the mark they think they should get. Even in the worst case scenario, that they receive no University offer - is that really the end of the line? I don't think so.
Speaking for myself, when I sat the equivalent test way back when I was 18, I had no intention at that point of ever attending Uni. I was eager to start life, to start making some real money. At that age I could barely see past my nose or beyond the next big night out with my friends.
I had no way of knowing then how my life would change as the years went by - how could I? And that's really the whole point. You have no way of knowing today what tomorrow will bring. Something that seems earth shattering to you today will seem almost insignificant with the passage of time.
There is, I believe, far too much pressure placed on people today [of all ages]. Perhaps that is one of the reasons we have seen an increase of violence in our schools and our workplaces. Society places unrealistic demands on people to conform, to know exactly where your future is headed, to plan ahead etc etc.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not undermining the seriousness of certain life events. All I'm saying is that what seems critical today may not be quite so important tomorrow. Why cause yourself unnecessary stress over something that, in the long run, may turn out to have negligible impact on your life as a whole.
My older sister has always proclaimed that the true value of life is about the relationships we form. I totally agree. When all is said and done your relationships, your memories are of far, far more importance than any exam result. Nobody ever received a eulogy about their exam results or their bank balance - at your graveside people talk about who you were as an individual and how or what impact you made on the world.
More than anything, when my life is done, I would like to be remembered as a decent person. Would it be nice to be a famous author? Sure, I'd love that. Am I proud of my academic achievements? Absolutely. But in the end I'd like to be remembered as a loving wife, auntie, sister, daughter etc. I hope that when the time comes I will look back on a lifetime of experiences, different relationships and continuing growth of my character.
So live well, love extravagantly, give deeply of yourself, enjoy the moment and treasure the relationships you form. And, of course, don't sweat the small stuff :)
Life is a journey filled with many twists, turns and crossroads. If you allow it then almost any point in your life can be construed as 'do or die'. For example two of my nieces have just sat for their QCS exam [essentially a Uni placement examination that determines their 'ranking']. This exam is seen by many as a 'do or die' moment. Almost as if their entire future depends on the outcome of this one test.
The truth is, however, for all these 17/18 year olds this exam is just one of the twists of life's winding road. Yes, their mark will determine what University offers they are ultimately presented with, but it's not the end of the world if they don't get the mark they think they should get. Even in the worst case scenario, that they receive no University offer - is that really the end of the line? I don't think so.
Speaking for myself, when I sat the equivalent test way back when I was 18, I had no intention at that point of ever attending Uni. I was eager to start life, to start making some real money. At that age I could barely see past my nose or beyond the next big night out with my friends.
I had no way of knowing then how my life would change as the years went by - how could I? And that's really the whole point. You have no way of knowing today what tomorrow will bring. Something that seems earth shattering to you today will seem almost insignificant with the passage of time.
There is, I believe, far too much pressure placed on people today [of all ages]. Perhaps that is one of the reasons we have seen an increase of violence in our schools and our workplaces. Society places unrealistic demands on people to conform, to know exactly where your future is headed, to plan ahead etc etc.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not undermining the seriousness of certain life events. All I'm saying is that what seems critical today may not be quite so important tomorrow. Why cause yourself unnecessary stress over something that, in the long run, may turn out to have negligible impact on your life as a whole.
My older sister has always proclaimed that the true value of life is about the relationships we form. I totally agree. When all is said and done your relationships, your memories are of far, far more importance than any exam result. Nobody ever received a eulogy about their exam results or their bank balance - at your graveside people talk about who you were as an individual and how or what impact you made on the world.
More than anything, when my life is done, I would like to be remembered as a decent person. Would it be nice to be a famous author? Sure, I'd love that. Am I proud of my academic achievements? Absolutely. But in the end I'd like to be remembered as a loving wife, auntie, sister, daughter etc. I hope that when the time comes I will look back on a lifetime of experiences, different relationships and continuing growth of my character.
So live well, love extravagantly, give deeply of yourself, enjoy the moment and treasure the relationships you form. And, of course, don't sweat the small stuff :)
